Penitence

By Khrystal Key Claridad

My love for you, Halley, is so deep that it transcends time. Despite being lost and waitingfor too long, my love for you has and will never change.

As I am about to raise my arm to offer my hand to Halley, a man in a black tuxedo emerges behind me and reaches for her hand instead.

“You look so beautiful, my love.”

No, I am already lost, and I do not know what to do.

My eyes felt so heavy as I tried opening them up again. I leaned my head on the transparent walls of the convenience store. My head hurts so much, and I have not been eating for days. Good thing, I am losing my appetite, and my body seems ready to give up. I cannot deal with this anymore. I never once believed in divine beings, but whoever is listening to me right now, please take me with you now. I beg you.

A deafening silence filled the surroundings as I patiently waited for my end, but a familiar intervention emerged in front of me. It was a portal. I can't do this anymore. Every time I hop on a portal toward a new universe, I face the same outcome, so how is this different from the others? Will I see her again with her new boyfriend? Will I see her as an old lady on her deathbed? Will I see her liking only girls? What more? All universes seem to gang up on me and torture me in many ways that they can, and I cannot afford to be led on once again. This is too much.

“Go away! Just leave me here rotting.”

For some reason, the portal widens and strongly pulls me in. I tried to move my body against it, but the force was so powerful that I could not move my legs and arms. Why is this forcing me to go to another reality? Is this the universe telling me that I still have a chance? My body is slowly deteriorating, and I don't think I will be able to continue to the next dimension after this. Should I give it a try for the last time?

Thisismylasthope,hopefully.

1... 2... 3...

I am back in the current universe.

The smile on Halley’s face never faded as I saw her gracefully walk down the aisle with our eyes locked in with each other. I couldn't help but also smile. I am so happy I could die. Finally, a happy ending. The sweet and solemn orchestral music really matches the atmosphere of the vicinity. Everyone in their wedding attire was grinning from ear to ear like they had witnessed what I had been through and rooting for me ever since. Everything is so perfect.

I am glad I took the chance.

One of the guards mockingly grinned at me while the other was holding his laughter, “Are you nuts? Sophie won’t hit on you because she only likes girls.”

What?

Not this again.

What outcome was I expecting to have? Of course, she wasn’t Halley. She has the same face as her, but she is not her. When will I ever realize that?

I closed my eyes, still trying to process everything that I heard. We can never be together, aren’t we? When will I ever get that happy ending I always wanted? Can I never be happy just for once? Even if I hop on the portal toward the different universes, I feel like God has put a curse on me. A curse so strong that it affected all other realities. What did I do wrong to be cursed like this?

I felt the guards’ grip around my arms, pulling me away from Halley. The customers waiting in line stared at me like a lunatic. As much as I want to fight back, I know in my heart that there’s nothing that I can do. Ilost.Again. My heart felt way heavier than my body weight as the guards dragged me out of the store.

It baffles me how love truly pushes some people to the edge. I was one of those people who despised the idea of love and always thought that it was the silliest thing ever but look at me now. Look at how pathetic I am traveling through different dimensions, clinging to that speck of hope that maybe maybe in another reality, we could be together. Since when did I crave a happy ending so badly in my life? Is it because of the intense guilt and regret I felt that pushed me into changing the way things were?

That memory still haunts me every day.

Ever since the day I saw her body run over by a truck, my heart just gets smashed into pieces again and again. Maybe if I had tried my hardest to save her at that moment, I wouldn't be investing my whole life trying to look for her in the different timelines, trying to change everything I couldn’t do in my original timeline, but everything seemed impossible now. I can never go back to what it was before. I can never save her from that tragedy. I can never muster up the words I wanted to say when she was still alive.

Getagrip,Nico.Youarelosingyourself.

She heaved a sigh of disbelief and looked down, trying to compose herself. Why are you embarrassing yourself in front of her, Nico? Get a grip. Tell her what you really want to say. You traveled a hundred universes searching for her, but you couldn't even muster up the courage to say what you really feel after what you've been through?

“Is there any problem here, Sophie?”

Sophie. So that is her name here, but with the hundreds of names she has, she will always be Halley to me.

I saw the two muscular guards march behind my back with their piercing stares, enough for me to be thrown out of the store, but I looked back toward Halley with no fear of what would happen next. They don’t matter to me now. I need to do this now. This is my chance. My last chance, perhaps.

“Halle I mean, Sophie, I know this is weird, but I like you so much that it's crazy. And I have already traveled so far looking for you. Hoping for a chance that maybe... maybe—”

Halley stared at me with puzzlement. She must be thinking I am crazy for saying this, but I do not care anymore because since when was the last time I cared for something? I almost got the chance to be with her in the past and I will not let this chance slip over again. Never .

“I'm sorry, but I don’t know you. You must have been mistaken me for another person—”

“No, I mean, yes but... but you’re still Halley—the girl that I loved ever since middle school.”

Shaking her head in confusion, Halley looked towards one of the guards like she was signaling them to do something. Maybe to get rid of me? No, I have to make this quick. She needs to hear what I am about to say.

“Is this creep bothering you, Sophie?”

One of the guards tried to hold my arm, but I shrugged it off immediately.

“No, I’ m not, you you don’t understand! I love her and—”

The Last Hop(e)

By Seige Mode

I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

She looks… good. I mean, she always does, but today, she just seems too ethereal. Her almond-shaped eyes wandered the pristine walls and windows as if she couldn’t believe what was happening before her eyes. As she continued to examine the place, her steady gaze landed on me, and the corners of her lips curved into a smile.

Damn.Iamsowhippedforthiswoman.

I closed my eyes and heaved a sigh of relief. I have been waiting for this moment in my lifetime. Now, I am here. Finally . The trials and tribulations I had to get through before witnessing this reality almost broke my spirit, but I think it’s worth all the pain it caused me.

I have already lost count of the universes I am in, and I don’t think I would ever be able to keep up with the numbers. But all I can say is that the previous universes were chaotic as hell, and I will never wish to return to any of those.

"Is there anything that I can do for you, Sir?"

The apparent exasperation in her voice cut me off in my reverie. Oh, she’s pissed. So as the customers waiting behind my back. Without any coherent thought in my mind, I grabbed the nearest chocolate bar at the side of the counter. Really, Nico, what were you thinking?

“That would be 38 pesos, Sir.”

38 pesos for a chocolate bar the same size as my index finger? Dang, that’s hella expensive.Sincewhendidachocolatebarcostlikethat?

“Sir?”

My hands went straight to my pocket to grapple some coins as I heard her enraged tone peeking through her voice.

Oh... wait... I don’t have any money here.

Retelling Tales

By Katreena Bernal

What if I didn’t go camping?

What if I stayed and spent your remaining days talking about the things we want?

What if I'm wiser to think that adults lie when they promise us things?

My dearest Gil, you’ve always been at the back of my mind for years and years. We are eternal best friends tied with a knot that even death can’ t sever.

In you lies my brightest days and sincerest laughs. You are my childhood.

My favorite summer.

I said a little prayer before touching the grass growing around your grave.

“It’s manang, Gil. I forgot to say this, but I love you to the moon and back. More than pink cars, more than silly camps, and more than backyard games.”

I ran outside and sat in the car, attempting to compose myself. No, it's a lie. Dad said he was in heaven, but maybe he just went home. It's not like he said he's dead, right? Why would Gil die? He was getting well. I saw it, and Mom promised that. His surgery was over. We talked. He even said we're going to fly our kites again. Yaya even cleaned the yard because we're still going to play bahay kubo! There’s so much we haven’t done yet.

“Liya... Liya,” Dad said as he pulled me into a hug again.

My head was spinning, and all I did was cry. I prayed as hard as I could. I called out all the angels and saints I remembered so bad. They can't do this to me. I felt betrayed, and my heart couldn't take it. Like a bottle of soda shaken up abruptly, my heart feels like it's going to burst.

We arrived in this dim-lighted place. It wrote St. Peters at the desk counter. We walked and walked and walked. We arrived at this room with a green cover lying on the top of a table. A strange-looking man removed the green thing. There,Isawhim. Peacefully resting. I pulled all the strength in my legs to go near. I tiptoed so hard to reach his hands. I don't care about toe bruises anymore.

“To? To? To Gil? This is manang. Why are you sleeping here? Come on, wake up! You promised to buy me a pink car, right? How can you if you stay here?!" I pleaded with this ugly, shaking voice as I tried to grab his arm.

Dad stopped me. I saw the look of pity in his eyes. It was painful. My soul is shattering, and words are not enough to paint the grief that filled my young bones. My flesh felt like it burns in hell. I was achingly numb.

Shouting. Loud, desperate shouting.

It filled the four corners of that room, leaving every wall deaf.

“Hi,” a young maiden whispered in the wind.

Putting a bouquet of yellow bells on a marble plate, she let out a sigh. With heavy shoulders, she stared at your name only to see a reflection staring back. Barely recognizing herself, eleven years made its own lines and scars. Eleven years later, the ghost of regret never left her side.

Cold and gloomy September came. Mom said Gil was doing fine, so I was assured that all was good as I went for our school's camping trip. I don't even wanna go since it's raining, but what power do I have over Mom, right? So I packed my things, and Dad drove me to the site. It was fun! We cooked eggs on oiled paper, did knot-tying, and slept on tents. The bonfire even gave me a chance to sit next to my crush! I can't wait to tell all of this to Gil.

Finally, it was time to go home.

Gil would surely love my stories. I hope I can go camping with him next time.

I was overjoyed seeing our red gate again that I clumsily unlocked it with my spare keys and ran as fast as I could to get in. However, I was greeted by a deafening silence. No one was around. There was this quiet sound that made my heart beat too crazy, like it was going out of my chest. I checked every bedroom, comfort room, and even the backyard. It was empty. At that time, I don't know what to call the feeling that creeps within me.

Was it fear? Anxiety? Loneliness?

The phone rang.

I immediately grabbed it as if it was my life on the line.

“Hello? Hello? Hello!” I said in desperation.

“Liya, are you home? I’ll pick you up.”

It was Dad. I was so lost I started crying. Minutes later, he arrived and hugged me tight as if it contained all the words he couldn't say.

“Liya, listen to Dad, okay? Gil, went home to heaven,” his voice faded.

I know I'm not smart, but I felt like cold water was being poured into me as I read between his words.

I froze. I can't speak. I can't think clearly.

"I'll go to the hospital," was all I managed to say.

Dad and Aunt Liza looks serious in the garage.

They are talking as if the candies went poof from the world. Out of curiosity, I went closer.

“We should take him to the hospital, Ne. Don’t worry about the bills,” Dad said while embracing Auntie.

They quickly packed stuff, and as if it was a blur, we're now in this white building called "the hospital." At first, I was confused, then the next thing I knew, I was scared.

Why hospital? Mom said it's for the unwell people, right?

I’m not sick.

Not Dad.

Not Mom.

Not Aunt. Then it struck me.

Gil?

As if everything happened in time-lapse, he was placed now in this room with nauseous white walls. Tubes are clinging to his body. I’m not supposed to enter warned the grumpy-looking guard, but Mom did her magic.

Gil was sleeping, so I gently placed all my favorite toys near his bed. I bet he'll giggle when he wakes up.

More months passed, and my ten-year-old brain couldn't process everything. It was too fast. I heard "surgery," "coma," "tumor," and "hydrocephalus." What are those words?

No one explained them to me, and I was left connecting dots to my notes, trying to figure out things on my own.

Months passed, and classes had already started. I hate July. I haven't seen Gil for a while since he stopped visiting. Maybe I'll go to his house later. When I went home, I begged Dad to take me to their place. Lots of crying is the key! While on our way, I was thinking of what I should narrate to him first. I have tons of stories to tell.

“Dad, can I borrow your pen?”

I started writing all the funny stuff in my hands. There was this time when Hannah slipped on the floor in front of our class. That time when my crush greeted me good morning. Also, that one when I was asked to–

“Liya!” called my dad.

Oh, we’re already here.

"You didn't have to shout, Dad."

“I called you three times already.”

Oops, my bad. But I was so excited! My hands are getting sweaty, and I'm trying to cool them off, but I'm only making it worse. Now, I can barely read what I wrote. I ran straight to his room, and he was just lying there.

“Gil!” I knocked.

“Hi, manang," he replied as soon as I got close.

"You look funny. Like Megamind. Are you sick?" I immediately touched his forehead and compared it with mine.

“I don’t know, manang,” he said in a meager voice.

“I’ll get you fish ball. I brought some. Wait here, it’s in the car,” then I ran back down the stairs.

Dearest

By Elizabetheia

It was the summer of 2010. Clear blue skies, yellow bells, and genuine laughter of youth. We flew our poorly handcrafted kites made of junk food wrappers and thought of it as something that could magically grant our wishes once it was up in the air.

“What’s your wish?” I asked.

"For me to have a red car and you a pink one," you replied.

Silly boy, age six. You can barely reach my shoulders. Why would you even spend half of your wish for me? That thought made me laugh. Dear Gil, my favorite cousin, my best friend; this is our childhood.

“Manang!” you said to snap me back to reality.

"What? What?" I replied, confused after realizing where my pondering had led me.

“It’s the ice cream vendor! Buy me that chocolate-flavored ice cream, please.”

Well, who can say no to ice cream? We bought our favorite dirty snack and hid back in the yard. If our moms caught us, we'd probably get scolded and spanked by their mighty tsinelas . Phew. That was the last cents in my pink barbie wallet. I got it when I volunteered to dance last family reunion. Gil was overjoyed. He even forgot to thank me.

“Toto, time to go!” shouted my Aunt Liza from the kitchen.

And just like that, he went home. Gil’s house is a few miles away, so he always likes to visit. Last time we played bahay kubo . I was a food vendor, and he was a rich man buying my meals. I got lots of money from him, and when I say money, I mean dried leaves of the jackfruit tree falling just near our fence. I wonder what we would play next. Maybe jackstones? Too boring. Dodge ball? He can’t run fast. Aha! Tintincross! I wrote that down in my list and fell asleep onwards.

Josmar

Date: March 19, 2022 | 8:00 a.m.

The sun’s up and frickin’ bright. It’s been quite hot these past few days. Ah, right. My hands. I need to wash them. I went to the kitchen and neatly stacked the dishes, turned the faucet, and let the water run through my fingers. It’s pink, not red. That’s funny. While I was washing the colors away, I heard the rev of a motorcycle by our gate. It’s Mai! I turned the faucet off and hurried to see her.

“Mai! Nanindahan kamo? ‘La gid kamo kahambal ba,”

She stares at me. Not look, she stared at me, for a bit too long. Did I say something wrong?

“

Papa! Nakita ko Cocomelon sa tinda, ‘pa! Ga- Ara- Hmm! Kanami pa!” Tupe interrupts my thoughts.

“Abaw. Te ginbuligan mo si mama mo gali panindahan. Good boy si Tupe namon ba!”

I picked him up and ruffled his hair. I looked at Mai and she didn’t look very happy.

“Anoniinyoginpamakal, ‘ga?”

She doesn’t answer me nor does she look at me.

“

Uy. Mai, sabat,” I jokingly said.

Bam! I stepped on a landmine. Mai-Mai stops moving and looks at me in a painfully slow turn.

I swallowed hard.

“Um...” I say, hiding my terrified self behind a smile. “Happy birthdaysary?”

Her face turns sour, and she opens her mouth. I close my eyes and prepare myself for the explosion.

“Anghulugasan,Josmar!”

I search the room. The cabinets’ drawers and doors worn out and tired from what I expect are daily struggles to satiate a child’s tantrums. The rugs are all out of place and fading in color. I look for her in the kitchen. At the sink, lies a story untold or at least to me, as piles of dirty dishes, metal chopsticks and rounded little plastic spoons lie on top of each other. By the burners of the gas range are the used pots and pans, from frying...

“Ham and eggs?” I inhaled the left-over smell from the pan. “Maybe some laswa?”

I looked under the makeshift island counter and there I find a rogue avocado green Lego block. But wherever I look, there’s just no sign of Mai-Mai.

Where is she?

Mai-Mai

Date: March 19, 2022 | 6:38 a.m.

The potatoes clung close to the light green plastic bag, beside the packets of MSG and banana catsup. With my purse safely tucked under my left arm, staple vegetables on my right hand and my sleepy four-year-old on my left, we explored the wet market for the week’ s batch of groceries and what-nots.

It was early but as usual, it’s as busy as every other Saturday – Isabela’s market day. The streets were clothed with political tarpaulins as vegetable covers, tabletops, and some used it as shade. More use than its intended purpose, I’d say. The uneven pavement, pungent smell of nearby canal waters mingled with the enticing scent of oven fresh bread, ground, roasted native coffee beans, and the smell of ukay-ukay.

“Ma! Cocomelon!” Tupe, my four-year-old exclaimed. That was a wake-up call to hurry home and prepare for the day.

“Sorry ‘nak. Inditadanaymakabakaltoys.Mayhapitanlangsimama,ha?”

We stopped in front of the massive grocery store – still closed and worn out from countless marketing posters and ads plastered on the railings and concrete walls. I remember it was a beautiful shade of royal blue, but now it’s blue and white rectangular markings of adhesives.

One last stop and I’ll come home.