HEALTH

What If Life Had a Backspace Key?

Thoughtful and healthy framing of the thoughts and ideas that come out of the “do over” wish is important. It’s also important to record the thoughts that surface.

What if life had a backspace key is a “do over” question. It’s the kind of question that pops into the foreground of your mind on a lazy weekend, vacationing or traveling, or just staring out a window – day dreaming. And if you do something much more intentional for relaxation, reflection and self-exploration – for example, a meditation retreat (which I highly recommend) – these “do over” questions can loom heavily.

When the reflection urge does surface, the question is excellent if accompanied by a healthy state of mind. It’s not intended as a way to “beat yourself up” or “wallow in regret.” However, it’s important to acknowledge that is exactly the way such questions most commonly get raised. The questions typically surface when facing an important life crossroad or “fork” in the road – around birthdays or anniversaries, at a time of significant loss or death, when facing a looming and challenging decision, after or perhaps facing a hard conversation or an argument with someone important to you, or when feeling mildly depressed or anxious.

Acknowledging the mind’s tendency to sometimes head in an even slightly negative, self-deprecating direction, it’s important to know that you can turn it around and create a time of reflection that actually leads out of regretful, negative or self-defeating thinking and helps with clear decisions and healthy future directions.

Thoughtful and healthy framing of the thoughts and

We simply have a tendency to believe what we think! And without a deep breath and thoughtful examination, a distortion can head us in the wrong direction.

ideas that come out of the “do over” wish is important. It’s also important to record the thoughts that surface. The emphasis on writing is to get the thoughts out of your head, where, if not channeled in a healthy direction, can create, quite rapidly, distressing feelings. Thoughts can quickly start to feel like reality, distorting good decision-making. Our worst, most irrational or distorted thoughts can quickly grow to feel like reality and head us in the wrong direction. We simply have a tendency to believe what we think! And without a deep breath and thoughtful examination, a distortion can head us in the wrong direction. (Note: if the concept of thought distortion raises questions for you, see my blogs on the topic for more detailed information.)

If you feel ready to explore some structure that gets you moving in a productive, problem-solving direction, use these ideas in sidebar on following page to get started.

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REFLECTION PROCESS

Make a list of the major crossroads in your life. Go as far back in history as you are comfortable exploring. Examples might be an early move that you made with family that had a significant impact on you; or moving away from home to go to college or start a first job; adventuresome travel; or joining the military. As you reflect, just follow the crossroads and turning points you recall with these details:

1) Identify the year and then 2) the choice/decision made. For example: I graduated and moved to ____ to take a job as a ____. The OPTIONS I had at that time were: ____. 3) The WAY I FEEL about the decision is ____.

OR... 1) I met the love of my life and ____. 2) The choices I faced were ____and 3) the way I FEEL about the decision is ____.

Slowly take yourself forward, change by change, or through turning points you see and recall. Certainly note emerging patterns and any regrets or truly challenging decisions you faced. It’s also important to see if you felt “in charge” of your choices and decisions, or whether you felt you “had no choice” or that perhaps someone else made the decision and you were not in a position to challenge it … or simply felt you couldn’t. Some typical things individuals share with me:

“I didn’t know what else to do.”

“I thought it was the best thing at the time.” ”I regretted it within days” (or weeks or months).

“It was the very best choice I’ve ever made.”

“It shaped my future and I’m grateful.”

“I want and need to learn from my mistakes.”

“I want to reinforce the way I made such a good decision and keep it up.”

“I want to learn how to reflect more carefully on next steps.”

There are no right or wrong responses, unless you experience giving yourself a hard time. Then just reflect on what directed, perhaps pushed, you or what you failed to thoroughly think through. Finally, identify ways to correct the thinking, the decision making, especially if facing something similar in a current decision or choice. And see if your reflections provide insight for what you can do to keep yourself on a far better, healthier track.

We obviously can’t change the past; however, we can learn what we need to learn to get handles on what is right in front of us now, and most important, where we want to head next.

A good final reflection is: Is this where I was going?

And if you have questions about this process, let me know.

A footnote: I found the question “What if life had a backspace key” in a New York Times article by Frank Bruni. It had nothing to do with psychology, but hats off to Bruni for a stimulating turn of phrase.

Dr. Linda Moore has been in practice in the Kansas City area for over 25 years and is a published author on personal and family issues.

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