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303-994-9683 Issue 853 - January 6, 2014 “The Automotive Experts”

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Z

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(Continued next page)

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• Why do Americans pronounce the letter as “zee” while Brits, Canadians, and others say “zed”? It harks back to the original Greek letter, “zeta” which came from the Old French “zede.” After Americans split from the British, a lot of language was re-formed as regional dialects gained a foothold. According to the Concise Oxford Companion, “The modification of zed to zee appears to have been by analogy with bee, dee, vee, etc.” Lye’s New Spelling Book (published in 1677) was the first to list “zee” as the “correct” pronunciation, and Webster followed suit in his dictionary of 1827.

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Z FACTS • Z is the most rarely used letter in the English language. However, it’s more common in American English than it is in British English because Americans use word endings such as “-ize” instead of “-ise” (realize vs realise) and “-ization” instead of “-isation” (civilization vs civilisation). The American method of spelling is derived from Greek origins whereas the British spelling comes from the French language.

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January 1st is National “Z” Day, whose purpose is to give recognition on the first day of the year to people and places whose name begins with the letter Z and are always listed or thought of last. Come along with Tidbits as we consider Z!

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FRONT PAGE CLASSIFIEDS Queen Pillowtop 5-Pc bedroom Set. Mattress Set. Brand New Includes the Queen Bed: with warranty. $175. Can Headboard, Footboard, Rails, Chest & Nightstand. New in Deliver 303--758-1312 Boxes, $689. Can Deliver 303-758-1323.

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2

Tidbits® of Douglas & Elbert Counties

Z FACTS (continued)

• During the Viet Nam war when young American men were defecting to Canada, they often betrayed their American origins when asked to recite the alphabet by border guards. “Zed” is the only letter of the alphabet that Canadians pronounce differently from Americans.

Zink, Ziegler, Zeno, & Zarb etc. • Mr. T. M. Zink of Iowa died in 1930 and left his $100,000 fortune to fund a womanless library. He specified that his daughter should receive $5 and his widow a single penny. The rest of the fortune was to be held in trust for 75 years, until the year 2005 when Zink’s womanless library would be funded. Signs reading “No Women Admitted” were to be posted above the doors, and no books or art by women were to be allowed. Fortunately, Zink’s family successfully contested the will. • In 1974 the Doublespeak Award for outrageous language went to Ron Ziegler, who was Pres. Nixon’s press secretary. When asked whether a certain bunch of Watergate tapes was still intact— a question that could have been answered with ‘yes’, ‘no’, or ‘I don’t know’— Ziegler used a colossal 99 word sentence that left everybody scratching their heads. During Watergate, Zielger said, “If my answers sound confusing, I think they are confusing because the questions are confusing, and the situation is confusing and I’m not in a position to clarify it.” • Greek philosopher Zeno in the year 264 B.C. suffered a broken toe and decided this was God’s sign that he had lived long enough. He killed himself, dying at age 98. • Florenz Ziegfeld of the Ziegfeld Follies once offered Gracie Allen $750 a week to appear in a show in London. Gracie asked how much the pay would be if her husband, George Burns, appeared too. “Five hundred,” was the answer. • The story goes that Greek painters Zeuxis and Parrhasius had a feud concerning who could produce the most realistic painting. Finally they agreed to a paint-off. Zeuxis painted a picture of a boy holding a bowl of grapes. It was so realistically done that birds came down to peck at the picture. Then Zeuxis asked Parrhasius to draw back the curtain covering the painting he had drawn. At this point Zeuxis realized that what he thought was a curtain covering a painting was actually a painting of a curtain covering a painting. Zeuxis had been able to fool the birds, but Parrhasius had been able to fool Zeuxis. • In 1975, Frank Zarb spent $25,000 and used 19,000 gallons (7,200 liters) of fuel flying around the U.S. to lecture on the need to conserve energy. He used a plush Air Force jet that burned enough fuel in one hour to supply the average American driver with enough gasoline to drive for an entire year. • A computer programmer working for a large bank wrote instructions to the main frame in which it was directed to deduct the odd cents below ten cents from every current account at the end of each month and credit it to the last account on record. The programmer then opened an account for himself under the assumed name of Mr. Zyglit. Things went fine for six months. Then a Polish immigrant legitimately named Mr. Zyzov opened a new account. When he went to the bank to ask them why so much money was being deposited in his account, an investigation was launched and the programmer arrested. • In a Greek myth, Zeus wanted to have an affair, so he convinced the nymph named Echo Continued on page 4

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Interesting Stuff

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“Bio-identical” Hormone Replacement Hormone Consultations with Saliva Testing Pain Management • Dermatologic Preparations • Dental Preparations Pediatric Formulations • Nutritional Supplements Veterinary Preparations

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Sound of the Rockies Chorus Announces

Open Auditions Current Openings Available for 3 Tenor and 4 Bass Singers Tuesday, January 7th, 2014 at 7:00 p.m. 7691 S. University Blvd. in Centennial.

For more information call 303-663-7111, email sing@soundoftherockies.com or visit the website

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Pet Page

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READER(S) of the WEEK!

Tidbits® of Douglas & Elbert Counties

Cat Q & A Dr. James Olson - The Meow Doc Genetics Will Determine Future Feline Diet Plans

Debra, Wendy, Stacy, Jamie, Nick, Laurie & Carolynn were caught reading Tidbits in Castle Rock, CO

Tidbits of Douglas County 303-994-9683

The genome in humans was sequenced in 2004 and “Cinnamon” the cat in 2007. Knowing the genetic makeup of each species will help fight disease, help in feeding the best diets and help in extending the best possible quality of life. Genetic screening for healthy pets will soon be a reality. Genetic Testing is evolving into choosing which diets and supplements may be needed to prevent diseases and promote health. If a gene was commonly known to cause dementia in older cats and if feeding a specific supplement would forestall its development, then the treatment of choice would be to feed the supplement and cure the disease. Genetic risk factors for disease are being identified and there is hope that many diseases will be treated with individualized diets and changes in lifestyles. Nutrigenomics -- is the study of how nutrition affects genes and their expression. The future holds promise that our ‘new’ diets will keep us healthy, longer.

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A gene promoter triggers specific genetic responses for disease BUT eating a specific food or taking a supplement, a change in the environment or reducing excessive exercise could delay or stop the disease from developing. Vitamin B 12, 3-omega fatty acids, vitamins A and D have been shown to be promoters. Current diets have adequate amounts of most nutrients but in potential disease states hyper-supplementation may be needed to reverse a disease from forming.

The Buddy Center Needs Your Help

Pet of the Week

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Hold the salt, bring on the Pepper! I’m a lively, 9-month-old, female, Australian cattle dog mix

Feeding cats, what is the best diet? Mice, birds, rabbits have fed the feline through early evolution to today. Looking at the proportions of proteins, fats, carbohydrates, fiber, vitamins, and minerals in their prey diets can give us good start. There are no dehydrated, dry foods in nature and the relative lack of water in the feline diet appears to create a harmful physiological dehydration in the feline species. Mice and birds are meaty and juicy so the only explanations for dry diet are that they are convenient, lower cost and that they use foreign ingredients that are readily available. At the other extreme are the raw diets that run the risk of being unbalanced and contaminated. So what is the best diet for domestic felines? Healthy mice and birds! Some good diets are available for cats – talk with your veterinarian about available choices. The perfect human made diet does not exist

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3

Dr. James K. Olson is "The Meow Doc", a nationally recognized veterinarian specializing exclusively in cats. Dr. Olson holds the title of Diplomate, Feline Specialty, from the American Board of Veterinary Practitioners. He is certified to practice nuclear medicine by the State of Colorado Department of Radiaton Safety. His practice is located in Castle Rock, Colorado. For more information please visit his comprehensive website: CatSpecialist.com

Join Cat Specialist’s Five Star Team! We’re sure proud of our team: Five Stars in every on-line review in 2013! *See them at catspecialist.com* Veterinary Nurse: Full time position. CVT or equivalent practical experience as Veterinary Assistant. Our nurses are feline medical professionals with an absolute passion for cats and their people. You should be comfortable with restraint, dentistry, in-house lab, digital X-ray, cystocentesis, blood draws, anesthesia, catheterization, intubation, and oral meds, along with thorough, sensitive guidance for our clients with questions about caring for their cats. Nuclear medicine and/or DVMax software experience a plus. Clinic Assistant: Part time position, flexible schedule. Entry level, helping the Nurses care for our feline patients and keeping our facility sparkling clean. Our former assistant has been promoted to reception, so growth is an option for the right person. You MUST love cats, and you will learn a lot about them working on our Five Star Team! Interested? e-mail your resume and cover letter to purrs@catspecialist.com. We’ll get right back to you!

2195 N Highway 83 #23 Franktown, CO 80116 303-688-2127

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734 Wilcox Street #100 Castle Rock, CO 80104 (720) 733-2584 www.timothybrownagency.com

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Z FACTS Continued to divert his wife’s attention by involving her in conversation. When his wife found out about it, she confiscated Echo’s ability to talk and sentenced her to forever repeat the last words of whatever she heard.

A New Flower • In the 1700s a botanist was exploring Mexico,

looking for new plants. When he found an interesting new flower, he gathered a sack full of the dried-out seed heads. Suddenly he was seized by bandits who thought his sack must be full of gold. When they opened it and found only a bunch of dead flowers, they were convinced he was an idiot, wandering through the desert with a bunch of dried plants. Because it was considered bad luck to murder the feeble minded, they let him go.

• The flower seeds he was collecting were sent to

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Europe where they were cultivated. Later the flower was examined by another botanist named Johann, who was the director of the Botanic Garden of the University of Göttingen in Germany. He named the new flower after his last name, and they rapidly became a popular annual, cultivated in gardens worldwide. Johann died young, at the age of 32, but the flower spread quickly because they are easy to start from seed. A long-stemmed flower with a single head, they come in many colors, re-seed easily, and attract butterflies. Today it is one of the most popular bedding plants. Can you guess the name of the flower that Johann named after himself? Answer at the bottom of the page.

• Karl von Zois was an Austrian botanist in the

1700s. He is the namesake of the grass now called zoysia. Zoysia makes great lawns because it grows sideways along the ground instead of up, so it needs less mowing. It tolerates drought, so it needs less watering.

• An entomologist who had just discovered a

20.

What is a rabbit’s best-developed sensory organ? What do you call the part of speech typically used to indicate an action? What is the science that is primarily concerned with flight, though its principles are also used in designing automobile and train bodies for minimum drag and in computing wind stresses on bridges, buildings, smokestacks, trees, and other structures? What was prohibited during the Prohibition Era? What do bees gather utilizing their enlarged hind feet? What is the popular name for the three-tunnel railroad connection running under the English Channel, connecting Folkestone, England, and Calais, France? What do you call the technique for conception of a human embryo outside the mother’s body? Where is the city of Nuremberg located? Where did the Holstein breed of cattle originate: in Texas, Spain, or Holland? What is the most familiar and abundant liquid on earth that, in one form or another, covers about 70% of the earth’s surface? What does ICBM stand for? What do you call the mythical beast usually represented as a huge, winged, fire-breathing reptile? What popularly used index was started in 1884 by Charles Dow (1851-1902) and Edward Davis Jones (1856-1920) as an average consisting mostly of railroad stocks? Where was the fist atomic bomb exploded in the USA? What was the popular name for a failed 1970s Arkansas real estate venture involving former President and Mrs. Clinton? What was the name of the Clinton law partner and White House counsel who committed suicide during the early months of the Clinton presidency? Two American brothers invented the airplane. Name them. They flew their plane at town in North Carolina. Name the town. Name the first African-American player in the modern major leagues. An oboe and a bassoon are both _________ instruments.

Answers: 1. Nose 2. Verb 3. Aerodynamics 4. Alcoholic Beverages 5. Pollen 6. The Chunnel 7. In vitro fertilization 8. Germany 9. Holland 10. Water 11. Intercontinental Ballistic Missile 12. Dragon 13. Dow Jones Average 14. White Sands, near Alamogordo, New Mexico 15. Whitewater 16. Vince Foster 17. Orville & Wilbur Wright 18. Kitty Hawk 19. Jackie Robinson (1919-72) 20. Reed


Tidbits® of Douglas & Elbert Counties new species of moth was determined to have the final word. He invented a name for the insect that guaranteed it the final spot in every dictionary in the world: Zyzzyx.

Answer: Johann Zinn named the zinnia.

The Gem Advisor

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5

The Gem Advisor PREMIUM FIREWOOD FOR SALE! Diamond

Famous Canadians

MORTIMER ZUCKERMAN

Christmas Trees Available

• Mortimor Zuckerman was born in Montreal,

Quebec, on June 4, 1937. His parents, Esther and Abraham Zuckerman, owned a local neighborhood tobacco and candy store. His grandfather was an orthodox Jewish rabbi. Young Mort suffered a good deal of anti-Semitism as a child. From this humble beginning, however, he grew up to become a real estate tycoon, a media mogul, and one of the world’s richest men. • At the age of 16 he entered McGill University in Montreal, where he earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in 1957, followed by Bachelor of Civil Law degree in 1961. However, he never took the bar exam. He later declared, “I decided law was the exact opposite of sex; even when it was good, it was lousy.” He claims that the most important thing he learned in law school was “not to be afraid of lawyers.” • He transferred to the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, and then went on to Harvard Law School. He remained at Harvard for nine years as an associate professor before transferring to Yale. Next, he spent seven years at the real estate firm of Cabot, Cabot & Forbes, where he eventually became senior vice president as well as chief financial officer. The company specializes in buying and developing trophy properties. • In 1980 he broke into the world of publishing when he bought the magazine The Atlantic Monthly where he served as chairman for nearly twenty years. When he sold the magazine for $20 million, while also selling the magazine Fast Company for $365 million, he quipped, “I averaged out!” • He often airs his political opinions on the Sunday morning talk show The McLaughlin Group.

- Cut, Split, Seasoned Firewood Scott McQueen Diamond is a stone that excels in brilliance and displays a striking play of prismatic colors. It is the preferred gem in engagement and wedding rings, which are worn every day. It is also the hardest natural material known, where hardness is defined as resistance to scratching. Their hardness makes them quite useful in industry as cutting and grinding tools. Diamonds are used to polish, cut, or wear away any material, including other diamonds. There are diamond-tipped drill bits and saws, and diamond powder is used as an abrasive. Less expensive industrial-grade diamonds, known as bort, are used for such purposes. Diamonds were probably first mind in India over 3,000 years ago. Roughly 49% of diamonds originate from central and southern Africa, although significant sources have been discovered in Canada, India, Russia, Brazil, and Australia. Today experts in the field of gemology grade diamonds and other gemstones based on the characteristics most important to their value as a gem. Four characteristics, known informally as the four Cs, are now commonly used as the basic descriptors of diamonds: these are carat, cut, color, and clarity.

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Scott McQueen is the owner of Pinetree Jewelers, Parker’s oldest jewelry store established in 1976. 2 store locations: 11028 S. Pikes Peak Drive in Parker and 190 S Wilcox in Castle Rock. For more call 303.841.2666 or 303-660-2696

Call: 720-933-2144

• Today, Zuckerman serves as the Chairman and Editor-in-Chief of U.S. News & World Report and is also the publisher of the New York Daily News. In addition, he is the founder and Chairman of Boston Properties, Inc., which is one of the largest real estate investment trusts in the United States. His personal net worth is estimated at $2.4 billion, ranking him high on the Forbes list of the world’s richest citizens.

• Zuckerman, a naturalized American citizen, considered running for a New York senate seat in the 2010 elections, but eventually decided against it. In December 2012, Zuckerman pledged $200 million to endow the Mortimer B. Zuckerman Mind Brain Behavior Institute at Columbia University.

• He owns homes in New York City, East Hampton, New York, and Aspen, Colorado. He also keeps a 166-foot Oceanco Yacht called the Lazy Z and also has a personal jet, a helicopter, as well as an extensive art collection. • Barbara Walters once described him as one of the best dinner-party companions she’s ever known.

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• Zuckerman’s charitable trust fund fell victim to Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme, though he swore to uphold all charitable obligations. Speaking about Madoff, Zuckerman, (himself a Jew) remarked that no one since Julius and Ethel Rosenberg (executed in 1953 for giving atomic secrets to the Soviet Union) “has so damaged the image and self respect of American Jews.”

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• He once suggested that a sure-fire way to lift the failing newspaper business would be to allow newspapers to take sports bets via their websites, saying, “Plenty of British papers do this; for them it’s a crucial part of their net revenue stream. I know a major newspaper in London that makes $15 million a year from sports betting alone.”

Mon - Sat 10 - 5

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Douglas County Sheriff, Dave Weaver, Needs Your Help

FUGITIVE OF THE WEEK Name:

CHRISTOPHER LEE PATTERSON

40 years old 5'7" 145 lbs Brown hair, Blue eyes LKA: Centennial, CO Charges: Felony Theft,

Criminal Impersonation, DUI

TAKE NO ACTION TO APPREHEND THIS PERSON YOURSELF For immediate action call 303.660.7500 or call your local law enforcement To provide information and remain anonymous, call the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office Tips Hotline: 303.660.7579 or E-mail us at DCSO@dcsheriff.net.


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THIS IS A HAMMER By Samantha Mazzotta Icy Tips for a Frozen Land Q: I’m new to the Northeast, and a neighbor told me that ice is a bigger problem in our area than snow. What is the best way to deal with icy walkways? Salt, kitty litter or something else? -- Shivering Southerner

* Weight Gain? * Constant Fatigue/Poor Sleep Pattern? * Fibromyalgia? * Mood Swings? * Lack of Sexual Drive?

It could be Hormone or Thyroid imbalance We can help! ITC offers Bio-identical Hormone Balancing, Home Hormone test kits, Weight Management, Cosmetic Skin care preparations, Health and Wellness consultations, and Pharmaceutical grade nutritional supplements.

We NOW accept most insurance plans that are administered through Express Scripts and CVS/Caremark for compounded medications. Our Pharmacists and Naturopath are here to answer your health questions. Call us today at

303-663-4224

LARKSPUR PIZZARIA & CAFE Best Pizza, Calzones, Italian Food, Panini Sandwiches and Much More!

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A: Dealing with slippery sidewalks and icy buildup varies depending on a number of factors, such as the outside air temperature, the thickness of the ice, the chance of additional ice buildup and more. Salt is used to melt icy patches, but using it alone isn’t the most effective method. Plus, it only works within a temperature range of 15 to 32 degrees F; below that, the ice doesn’t melt much. You’ll see it more often used as part of a salt-sand mixture when temperatures are within its effective range. The sand provides traction on the icy patch and, when the ice refreezes at night when temperatures drop, the sand often freezes into the patch, providing continued traction. Another negative point for salt is its impact on the environment. Salt can burn vegetation alongside your walkways, so use it sparingly. For temperatures below 15 F you’ll need to use ice melt, available at local hardware and home-improvement stores. Again, use only the amount needed to clear ice from your walkway, as the ingredients in the most effective ice melts can be dangerous to pets and small animals if ingested. Ice buildup is another issue for homeowners in the Northeast, particularly along gutters. Check your home’s gutters frequently (at least once a week if it’s particularly stormy) and look for icicles dangling from the gutters or ice dams building up. This frequently happens at the top of gutterspouts when leaves and other debris keep water from draining efďŹ ciently. Clear away an ice dam as soon as possible, preferably on an above-freezing day so the dam melts and loosens somewhat, and repair the gutter section that is causing the jam-up if you can. HOME TIP: If constant ice buildup on outdoor steps is a problem, work with it by laying a strip of burlap across each stair tread and wetting each strip slightly. The burlap will freeze to the step, creating temporary traction. Send your questions or home tips to ask@thisisahammer.com. My e-book, “101 Best Home Tips,â€? is available to download on Kindle! Pick it up it today for just 99 cents. (c) 2013 King Features Synd., Inc.


Tidbits Church/Community

Tidbits® of Douglas & Elbert Counties

For Advertising Call Tim (303)994-9683

Classified

New Beginning Community Church

We are a “tapestry of souls” exploring positive living through New Thought...Ancient Wisdom and the Spiritual philosophy of Science of Mind

10550 S Progress Way, Suite 100 Parker, CO 80134-4029

Looking for a New Beginning? YOU ARE WELCOME TO JOIN US A Friendly Place to Worship Sunday School for all ages 9:00AM Coffee and Fellowship 10:00AM Praise and Worship 10:30AM Wed Eve Youth Group 7:00PM Small Groups Meeting throughout the week AWANA for the Children during school year E-mail: Office@nbccparker.com - Phone (303)495-2919 - Web Site: nbccparker.com

We look forward to welcoming you soon! Sunday Service & Children’s Church at 10:00 AM Ruth Memorial Chapel & Parker Mainstreet Center (19650 E. Mainstreet - 80138)

Education THE OCEAN Corp. 10840 Rockley Road, Houston, Texas 77099 Train for a new Career. *Underwater Welder. Commercial Driver. *NDT/Weld Inspector. Job placement assistance. Financial Aid available for those who qualify 1-800-321-0298

Miscellaneous

WANTS TO purchase minerals and other oil & gas interests. Send details P.O. Box 13557, Denver, Co 80201

For information about classes, workshops and special events, please call the office or visit our website. P.O. Box 2945 - Parker, CO 80134-2945

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MOMENTS IN TIME The History Channel • On Jan. 17, 1865, Union Gen. William T. Sherman’s army is delayed in Savannah, Ga., by 10 days of rain as it waits to begin marching into the Carolinas. Just as Sherman and his army had destroyed nearly everything in its path in Georgia, Sherman planned to subject the Carolinas to the same brutal treatment. • On Jan. 16, 1919, the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, prohibiting the “manufacture, sale, or transportation of intoxicating liquors for beverage purposes,” is ratified and becomes law. In 1933, the 21st Amendment to the Constitution repealed prohibition. • On Jan. 15, 1936, Edsel Ford, son of auto pioneer Henry Ford, forms a philanthropic organization called the Ford Foundation with a donation of $25,000. The foundation was established in part as a legal way for the Ford family to avoid inheritance taxes. • On Jan. 14, 1954, Hollywood star Marilyn Monroe marries New York Yankees slugger Joe DiMaggio. The marriage barely got past the honeymoon, and they were divorced 274 days later. In her filing, Monroe accused her husband of “mental cruelty.” • On Jan. 13, 1962, comedian Ernie Kovacs, who hosted his own television shows during the 1950s, dies after crashing his Chevrolet Corvair into a telephone pole in Los Angeles while driving in a rainstorm. The Corvair was later made infamous by Ralph Nader’s groundbreaking 1965 book, “Unsafe at Any Speed.”

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• On Jan. 18, 1985, for the first time since joining the World Court in 1946, the United States walks out of a case, this one concerning U.S. paramilitary activities against the Nicaraguan government. The Court decided against the United States; it charged that the U.S. violated international law with its actions against the Sandinistas. • On Jan. 19, 1977, President Gerald Ford pardons “Tokyo Rose,” a Japanese-American woman named Iva Toguri. Toguri and other women had broadcast sentimental American music and phony announcements in a vain attempt to destroy the morale of Allied soldiers during World War II. (c) 2013 King Features Synd., Inc.

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Laugh Lines

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Blonde Men Jokes!

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." -----------------------------------Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." -----------------------------------A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having relations. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." -----------------------------------A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do . . . it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." -----------------------------A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". -----------------------------------A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. ----------------------------------A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!" -----------------------------------A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging back and forth!" -----------------------------------A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe". -----------------------------------(This one actually makes sense...sort of...) An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

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Issue 853