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12 • WEDNESDAY, MARCH 20, 2019
fraud .edu The FBI’s Operation Varsity Blues is all over the news. Although Rice wasn’t one of the universities involved in the bribery scandal, we’re always trying to keep up with our elite peer institutions. No one likes all of the construction on campus, so instead of buying a building to get your child into Rice, launder those same funds with one of these unconventional options.
Chug Team Recruit $77,777 Let’s face it: your kid sucks. That’s why you’re going through this ordeal. Put that sucking to good use by swallowing your pride to slide some cash towards your preferred chug team captain. It doesn’t have to be fraud either: get your kid some actual chug practice with a baggo of actual hardworking, deserving teens’ sweat and tears.
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Triangle Performance Student $14,641 Why limit fake recruiting to athletics? Fake an audition for the Shepherd School, too! Even though you paid for decades of piano lessons, your kid only knows how to play the intro to 2 Chainz’ “I’m Different.” Think outside the box; think triangle. Pay off a percussion professor to vouch for your child’s unprecedented skill at playing the triangle. Add to Cart
Men’s Swim Recruit $H2O,000 There may not be a men’s swim team anymore, but some cash flow could change that. The women’s team already doesn’t always get the schoolwide attention they deserve for their consistently toptier performance. So, an imaginary men’s team roster could definitely slip under the radar.
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Women’s Basketball Ballboy Recruit $1,900,000 The women’s basketball team finished 19-0 against their conference opponents. You must be delusional to think you could bribe anyone to pretend your mediocre offspring is an NCAA Tournament contender. While you can’t buy your way onto this fantastic team, you can pay for your daughter or son to fetch for them.
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The Backpage is satire, written by Simona Matovic with help from her Division I Design Team, Simona Matovic. For her Amazon wishlist, please email JamesJoyceLovesFarts@rice.edu
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