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THE RICE THRESHER
BACKPAGE
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2017
the Backpage Presents: The Tragedy of the Commons
Ah, EcoNODmics at Wiess College. The only discipline where you’re excited to boom and bust. You don’t need to be a D2 major to know that when liquidity is involved, things are gonna get wet. On the big day, you’re gonna see a lot of emerging markets. A lot of deregulation of the clothing variety. A lot of moral hazards. Time to trim your hedge funds and dive into that human capital. Please remember: You can’t spell clitoris without “C-T-I-S” and despite inebriation, property rights still apply.
CASE STUDY: Supply/demand analysis of RHA condoms on the night of NOD
Demand for condoms up, supply responds accordingly, but you’ll notice that usage does not change at all. Like, worryingly so. I mean, if getting a bunch of college kids (and that’s what you are; don’t try and delude yourself into thinking you’re a grown-up. Grown-ups don’t do this kind of shit, and you know that, you immature ignoramus) naked in a room can’t get you laid, then you know what, you probably do belong here at Rice.
Reproduction-possibilities frontier
The Boxer-Tent distribution
Well, I haven’t seen a setup like this since sleepaway camp, and the dollars you dropped on that ticket aren’t the only form of hard currency in the room. Make sure to give everyone a wide berth, and to keep your eyes at respectable levels (Besides, who can tell inferior from normal goods through boxers and the compression shorts?). Whatever you do, just don’t get too excited or you might experience some premature trickle-down economics (It didn’t work in the ‘80s and it’s not going to work now).
Senior’s cost/benefit analysis of hooking up with a freshman COST BENEFIT • • •
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Any economist can tell you that everybody faces trade-offs. But that reality is never as apparent as it is on the night of NOD. As this curve shows, if you consume alcohol to a point where you get too inebriated, then you effectively sacrifice any chance of hooking up. You may not know it, but every intoxicant you consume has an associated “opportunity cock” (i.e., the “cock” – or sexual organ of the MPS – that you sacrifice playing around with as you continue to get drunker and drunker).
Reputation down 3 points Might be their first time (awk.) Have to explain to your friends that you hooked up with a freshman Wonder if they ever even watched The Wild Thornberries “... You’re definitely 18, right? Or, by Texas law, 17 and no more than three years younger than me?” You’re their advisor They’ll probably wake up at 8 a.m. the next day because their bodies are still good at digesting alcohol
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Blood flow up 10 points Definitely your first time They only inquire because they notice a very conspicuously torn open condom wrapper right on the coffee table. And wouldn’t you know it, you invited them over for coffee. How forgetful you are! You can say “SMASHING!” while you’re smashing, and they’ll think you’re just being original and goofy (though probably not very sexy) You’re abiding by the law. And just, ya know, not being a douchebag. It’ll be slightly less weird when they’re calling you Daddy You’ll be able to return to your desolate life of solitude. A life where the window blinds are always closed, and you change your bed sheets once a year, when you buy new ones on move-in day. A life where “sex” is nothing more than a biological classification, and “love” is the emotion you feign for your childhood dog Mr. Woofles, because face it, even that fire stopped burning years ago.
The Backpage is satire by Joey McGlone and Isaac Schultz. This week, Lizzy Kalomeris, Ben Baldazo and Amelia Calautti helped get the room hot with their sultry content contributions. For comments or questions, please email farts@rice.edu.
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