This Is...
Dear Younger Me, The story I’m about to share is the most vulnerable story we carry within ourselves and our only “secret” but truly the darkest time in our life. At fifteen we were mentally healthy, emotionally happy and physically whole - but this is the story of how all that changed because our heroin-addicted boyfriend abused and raped us. You’re laying in shock in the back of his car, you can feel the numbness receding and the emptiness settling in. Your boyfriend is cleaning himself up and your body feels heavy and paralyzed at the same time. You can’t move; you can’t speak. You slowly gather your clothes and redress. Your mind is in disbelief that someone who said they loved you could hurt you so deep. You are confused as to why the word “NO” didn’t stop him from taking the one thing that doesn’t belong to him. You were a virgin and now you’re not. You changed your mind and said that you weren’t ready but he said, “It’s normal to be scared” and that you would enjoy it - but you didn’t. You were angry because your body couldn’t identify all the emotions flooding through it. The drive home was longer than it ever has been. He drops you off and he says, “I love you.” Those words have never felt so empty upon hearing them. You smirk and shut the car door and run inside. Your parents are home but you don’t go to them because they hate him. Instead, you run upstairs to take a shower and lay down in your bed. You think if you close your eyes and fall to sleep, the overwhelming confusion and emptiness will stop and be gone in the morning. Instead, you lay there watching the light leave as the darkness settles in. It couldn’t have been rape because he’s your boyfriend and he loves you; plus, you got in the back of his car, you got undressed, you thought you were ready. But he helped undress you, he pressured you and ultimately he didn’t listen to the word “NO.” Okay, I know you’re going through the motions in the oncoming days and still the anxious stomach is staying. You’ve started to walk through the days in a defensive armor that you placed yourself in. All the thoughts you had while laying there a couple nights ago are still streaming through your mind. You have justified his actions and refused to acknowledge them for what they were. You can’t break up with him because you don’t understand the feeling that lies inside you or why you can’t sort through it and make your feelings make sense. In your 15-yearold mind, you rationalized staying with him would be the right choice because you don’t break up with someone over just a feeling. Your pride blinded you and made you feel as if you couldn’t fail at a relationship that no one else approved of. You were going to make this work, because that’s what people that are in love do. People that are in love stay through the good and the bad times and maybe that feeling you’re feeling is just a bad time. Over the next few weeks you become an island. The man you are so determined to make it work with starts to tell you that your guy friends are starting to make him feel uncomfortable and that their flirting with you is disrespectful to him. As his girlfriend, you shouldn’t flirt with people and put yourself in a situation for guys to flirt with you. He asks you if you love him, because if you did you wouldn’t talk to other guys anymore. So, you decide you shouldn’t text your friends anymore - even if you’ve been friends since you were little. You are determined to show him how much you love him. You are loyal and you won’t let anything ruin this relationship. You. Will. Not. Fail. Bit by bit, his isolation controls your life and numbers start to be deleted from your phone and text messages from you to others start to become rude. “Stop texting me, I have a boyfriend.” “I don’t want to be friends anymore, it just isn’t good for my relationship.” You start to find any reason to tell your guy friends you can’t be their friend anymore because you have to prove how much you love your boyfriend. School becomes the bleakest part of your day. No one can look at you as you walk by, no one can talk to you without him getting angry and even friends can’t say “Hi” or hug you to start your day. Your new normal starts to set in. There is no eye contact from you unless it’s towards him, there are no conversations where he isn’t the only one talking back and no longer can you try to maintain friendships because his impatience is quick to anger. Your grades are slipping, you can barely pass, sleep is no longer for you alone because he steals it by calling you and staying up all night on the phone and yells if you nod off. What’s important to you now is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep your head afloat even though you’re almost drowning. Things you can’t identify or
17