ABBY
Teen’s Parents Learn too Late about Alcohol at Friends’ Homes
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EAR ABBY: I have seen letters in your column from parents who want to ensure their children’s and teenagers’ safety when visiting their friends’ homes. A question parents need to ask the hosting parents is what their drug and alcohol policy is.
it’s important they avoid addictive substances even if their friends are indulging. •••
DEAR ABBY: My husband is obsessed with his personal electronDear Abby ic devices and insists on using one most of the time. He gets angry if I ask him to stop even for a short JEANNE time. But the worst part is, he rouPHILLIPS tinely takes his tablet into the bathroom with him for extended periods. And no, We wrongly assumed (and trusted) that our he does not sanitize the tablet afterward – or daughter’s friends’ parents did not facilitate ever, for that matter. access to alcohol or drugs to minors. We realAbby, he reads your column and I’m ized – too late – that from the time she was 15, hoping you might comment on this unsafe and our daughter had access to unmonitored alcorepulsive habit. Please help, because he won’t hol and was sometimes encouraged to conlisten to me. – GROSSED OUT IN NEW sume it in these homes. MEXICO Many parents think it’s OK if teens drink DEAR GROSSED OUT: Because your alcohol under supervision, as long as the parhusband gets angry when you ask him to put ents are there and they have possession of the his electronics down, it appears he may have car keys. They wrongly rationalize that the an obsession. Not only is what he’s doing rude, teens are going to do it anyway, so why not but it isn’t healthy for your marriage because under supervision? communication is important between spousWhat these good-time parents don’t consid- es. When he takes his tablet into the bathroom er is that a teen who may have a genetic pre- “for a long time,” could he be viewing or texdisposition to addiction may have just got- ting things he wants to keep from you? ten a switch turned on in his or her developAs to his hygiene habits, smartphones and ing brain. You can’t look at people and know tablets can be more unhygienic than toilet seats if they are prone to addiction. In our case, our if they’re used for “toilet texting.” The user’s daughter’s addiction became a long, difficult hands should be washed afterward, and the struggle, which led to the untimely death of device should be disinfected, too – particularly our smart and talented daughter at age 24. – if it will be in contact with the user’s face. GRIEVING MOM IN RENO ••• DEAR GRIEVING MOM: I am sorry for the tragic loss of your daughter. In most states, providing alcohol to minors is against the law, not only for public safety, but also for the reason you stated.
Years ago, I spoke with a gentleman who was active with the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD), when he repeated something he’d heard at an AA meeting. He said the subject being discussed at the meeting was what it felt like having that “very first drink.” One of the members stood up and said, “It was like someone switched a light on in my head, and I said to myself, ‘So that’s what it’s like to feel normal!’” This is why it is imperative that families with a history of addiction make their children aware of it and clearly understand why
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DEAR ABBY: I have always tried to be a compassionate person. I have experienced a lot of abuse, and I’m sensitive to others who go through it. A man across the street from me has been arrested three times in the last six months for domestic abuse. I rarely see a woman there, so I don’t know if the victim is a woman or a child. I moved into the neighborhood only six months ago. My elderly mother lives here with me. I’m torn about what to do. My heart says I should reach out to the people who live there and make friends with them. My head says stay out of their business because I don’t need the drama.
How do we as a society not turn a blind eye to abuse in our neighborhoods and still protect
ourselves and loved ones? I don’t want to put my mother or myself in jeopardy, but I don’t want the person/people in that house to think they are alone. – NO MORE IN TEXAS DEAR NO MORE: While I applaud you for being so caring, for your own safety, I caution you to proceed very slowly in getting to know these people. Some communities provide anonymous tip lines so citizens can report a crime without endangering themselves or their families. The best thing you can do is to keep your eyes open and if something is happening, call the police and report it. If it involves a child, contact child protective services. ••• DEAR ABBY: My parents and I were always close. However, recently they stole my debit card, my PIN and child support check. They forged my signature and spent the entire check, which was more than $1,000. I am always lending them money. I have never said no when they needed it. To top it off, they lied to me about the check for an entire month. I only found out when I turned the fraud in to the bank and heard it was my parents who had committed it. Now my account is frozen and I am wiped out. I have two kids and one on the way, and recently I lost my job. My mother keeps trying to make me feel guilty for turning them in and doesn’t understand why I am mad. I am having trouble forgiving them. I am just so angry. Should I forgive them, or do I have the right to be mad? – FORGIVE OR FORGET IN MICHIGAN DEAR FORGIVE OR FORGET: One of the hallmarks of abusers is that they try to make their victims think the abuse was in some way their own fault. Your mother fully understands why you are angry. You must not allow her to make you feel guilty. Your parents stole from you and their grandchildren. They appear to have no conscience. Now you know what they are capable of, it is important that you keep your distance from them, or they’ll do it again. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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