F April 1, 2019
THE FARCITY Hello members of Farcity Publications, we hope this issue finds you well
GERIC MERTLER TRIES, FAILS TO MAKE IT FROM BADER TO SID SMITH IN 10 MINUTES
Geric Mertler secretly disappointed no one bribed their way into U of T
No one indicted in Operation Varsity Blues wanted to be on the Varsity Blues Petite Steve Buscemi Farcity Contributor
U of T President Geric Mertler has been deeply disappointed to learn that none of the rich and famous indicted in the college admissions scandal Operation Varsity Blues were attempting to bribe their way into U of T, sources from inside Simcoe Hall told The Farcity. On the morning of March 12, Mertler was seen chuckling to himself and muttering about how he could not wait to see which celebrities had attempted to get their children into the elite athletic program of the Varsity Blues. “I never would have described Geric as gleeful before that day,” said a source. “Urban theorists aren’t really known for their glee.” “Boundless really put us on the map,” Mertler said early on that day, according to the source. “Watch out USC, we’re coming for you!” Mertler’s mood sank over the
course of the day, as it became clear that no one involved in the scandal had attempted to gain acceptance to U of T. In fact, there is no evidence to suggest that U of T was ever mentioned as a school worthy of scamming your way into. At 4:56 pm, Mertler informed his staff that they would be having a 5:00 pm meeting to discuss why no one had attempted to bribe their way into U of T. “It’s in the fucking name,” Mertler said, according to a source who wished to remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with Meryl Traeger. “Varsity Blues. How do you fuck that up?” The Farcity has obtained a recording of the meeting. Mertler can be heard asking staff to suggest reasons why U of T was not seen as prestigious or elite enough to justify Alist celebrities bribing their children in. One staff member opened with a list of reasons U of T might not have come to mind, citing the cold,
Biblioteca Nacional do Brasil wins true lue 2019 library bracket
campus closure policy, lack of mental health resources, the school’s nickname being ‘U of Tears,’ and other areas of popular discontent. The staff member was immediately fired. Several staff members from within the Office of the President reported that the work environment has been tense since the scandal broke. “He’s been watching a lot of YouTube makeup tutorials,” one employee said. “Every so often, he emerges from his office and yells, ‘WHERE IS MY OLIVIA JADE?’” Sources say that Mertler has been investigating buying a yacht to entice prospective celebrity students. The Farcity has reached out to Mertler’s office to ask whether or not he has heard of or seen the 1999 classic American coming-of-age film Varsity Blues, starring James van der Beek as a gifted quarterback with a heart of gold who is dissatisfied with life in his small Texas hometown, but as of press time, has received no response.
Credit card statements reveal student union spent all Student Commons funds at Northrop Frye McDonald’s
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UTSG students consider giving up superiority complex in exchange for snow days at UTM Motel Robarts not doing well on Yelp UofT memes for freezing cold teens srsly it’s cold
Many students studying at UTSG are plagued by thoughts of abandoning their sense of superiority to transfer to UTM. These thoughts are the result of UTSG rarely closing despite harsh weather conditions, whereas both UTM and UTSC cancelled classes and closed campus this past winter. “I never thought I’d say this,” said a frostbitten student who transferred to UTSG from UTM after his first year, his teeth chattering, “but maybe I made the wrong decision.” UTM has frequently been the subject of ridicule from UTSG students, who dislike the campus’s airy, naturally-lit modern architecture because it clashes with their ‘inner darkness.’ But with temperatures dropping low but not low enough for UTSG to close, however, downtown students are rethinking their inbred disdain of UTM. “I’m sorry I ever made fun of UTM,” a student shouted while fighting off squirrels attacking his Queen’s Park igloo. “The deer at UTM wouldn’t do this to me.”
Incoming students disappointed to find they can’t opt out of depression
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“I’ve never been happier to be a UTM student than I have been this year,” wrote a UTM student to The Farcity from the comfort of his warm bed on one of the snow days. “All those memes I had to force myself to laugh react to, all those times I told people I went to U of T without mentioning UTM… no more.” U of T Vice-President & Provost Rheryl Chegehr, who is involved in deciding campus status at UTSG during harsh weather conditions, acknowledged the criticisms during a Governing Council meeting earlier this semester, though the tone of her voice suggested that she did not really care, instead suggesting that UTSG students could always stay at the John P. Robarts Research Library if weather prevents them from getting home. “I don’t want to stay overnight at Robarts,” responded a student who pays an exorbitant amount of money to sleep in a rat-infested Annex-area basement apartment that keeps getting flooded. “It’s too hard to fall asleep there with so many students crying nearby.” As of press time, U of T has not disclosed how many UTSG students have requested to transfer to UTM.
Who would win? U of T’s Provost vs. one big brutal turkey boii
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