Searching for Solutions to END MY SINGLEHOOD

Themoment for full marriage equality finally arrived on June 26, 2015, with the Supreme Court decision in Obergefell v. Hodges. In a landmark 5-4 decision, marriage equality became the law of the land and granted same-sex couples in all 50 states the right to full, equal recognition under the law.

Well times are different, but This profound day is still emblazed in my mind, as I was blessed to be in New York City on that Friday when it was announced. I had just landed in New York, to celebrate gay pride, and I was so overjoyed at this decision. While I had one failed marriage under my belt, I was optimistic at this new opportunity at love. My first marriage was to a woman, and with my pansexual identity, I was happy that my attempt at a forever love would be recognized no matter the other person's identity. That Sunday, I was given a beautiful opportunity to join a local agency on their parade float. The sun was shining so bright that day, and the pure love of sexual freedom, partneredwith a new fresh perspective on love and life was present with everyone getting ready to ride our floats down 5th Avenue. With the parade being over 3 miles, there were a lot of floats, and the float I joined was in the middle. To this day, I will never forget the outpouring of love, smiles, laughs and good energy riding down that avenue, and the promise of a new day.

Fast Forward and 8 years later, I am still single.

While I am wise enough to recognize that the challenges that most people, regardless of sexual orientation have difficulties finding successful love partnerships, within the queer world, the challenges are multi-layered. Additionally, statistics show that more people are satisfied with the single life, and have no desire for marriage. A new Pew Research Center analysis of census data finds that in 2019, roughly four-in-ten adults ages 25 to 54 (38%) were unpartnered – that is, neither married nor living with a partner. This share is up sharply from 29% in 1990.2 Men are now more likely than women to be unpartnered, which wasn’t the case 30 years ago. Combine two men, and those rates are more dire.

What is fueling this lack of partnering/marriage within the gay men world. For one, I often wonder, does the sex positivity movement give the ability for people to engage without the baggage, and sex leads the initial exchange? I have seen a trend where “dick pics” start conversation, and if love does happen, it is AFTER SEX. While I recognize sex is an important part of a satisfying relationship, I think intimacy trumps sex each and every time. The core definition of intimacy is close familiarity or friendship; closeness. Can two men experience that by just engaging in oral sex? I beg to differ. While I respect everyone’s decision to live their lives, and “forever love” a relationship doesn't automatically mean a richer, fuller life. But, with rates of depression, suicide and other social ills continuing to plague our community, one argument showcases the validity of having a successful partner.

I wrote this article for a number of reasons. For one, I wanted to find the solution to end my singlehood. I want to have a partner, with the goal of a marriage, as I believe the value of marriage is a beautiful thing, and makes living more deeper and easier, as you have someone to uplift and inspire. Yes, I know sometimes that has to happen within, and the partner should not fill your cup, but only enhance your cup, but sometimes that partner is the ice cube in your glass of life. With your liquid, it can be a refreshing cocktail, and make life worth living. If we continue to not seek loving and deeper bonds with each other, and finding mates, what is our true purpose in life?

So, I ask, has eight years later and having the right to marry made us better citizens, and fuller, or has it not had a ripple effect in other aspects of life? I am reminded of love in many aspects of my life and have seen plenty of successful and beautiful unions. I went to my first gay marriage in 2016, and it was a sight to behold. The love, that I assumed was unattainable, was in front of my eyes, and applauded and feted with grandeur. I left the ceremony inspired, and feeling great. I knew my partner was looking for me, as I looked for them. Being a man who identifies under the pansexual scope, I often meet people, and find their conversation fulfilling, and I am quickly smitten when their conversation leaves me wanting more. I have met plenty of men and women who I have considered possible mates and desired to make the next step for love. But, without appropriate photo portfolios and sex talk leading the way, I fall short. In my next article, I will reveal how love should be treated, once you find that one, while I continue my daunting search.

By David WyleyLon g

David Wyley Long hails from East Orange, New Jersey. He has been working in social work for the past 17 years, earning his Credentialed Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselor training from New. York State in 2005. He has led various outreach programs in Staten Island, Brooklyn, and Nashville, Tennessee. David Wyley holds an Associate degree from Nashville State and a Bachelor's Degree in Urban Studies from Tennessee State University.

David Wyley loves the community he serves. He leads with an unapologetic approach with love and compassion. He is determined to find the best solutions for his people.

David Wyley Long believes everyone black and brown are important to the fabric of America. Additionally, he understands the equity and equality needed for his people to overcome systemic barriers that impede growth. He walks and talks with a united passion to uplift his people to be unapologetic and dynamic in everything they do. He is proud to serve and aims to be a part of the vision to end HIV/AIDS in his community. He is the proud author of his first book, a memoir of his life so far: Up Against the Wind.