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Summer Special Session 2011

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SUMMER SPECIAL SESSION

2 0 1 1

www.calstatela.edu/extension/news Offered through the

College of Extended Studies and International Programs California State University, Los Angeles

ISSUE 68.11

KEVIN O’BRIEN Editor-in-Chief

ANDY KNEIS

Managing Editor

CLAY COOPER

Managing Editor

CHELSEA STEVENS Opinions Editor

NOAH KELLY

Campus Director

KATY PARKER Literature Editor

MARCO BELTRAN Entertainment Editor

noah.union@gmail.com katy.union@gmail.com marcob.union@gmail.com

LEO PORTUGAL

leop.union@gmail.com

JEFF BRIDGES

jeffbridges.grun@gmail.com

CLAY COOPER

clay.union@gmail.com

GABE FERREIRA

Assistant Art Director

gabe.union@gmail.com

JEFF CHANG

jeff.chang.art@gmail.com

CONNOR O’BRIEN

connor.union@gmail.com

Head Illustrator Photo Editor/Cover

CHRIS FABELA

On-Campus Distribution

cfab.union@gmail.com

ANDY KNEIS

andyk.union@gmail.com

STEVE BESSETTE

steveb.union@gmail.com

Web Editor

Advertising Executive

TO

STAY

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Illustration

CHRIS FABELA COMICS EDITOR

chelsea.union@gmail.com

cfab.union@gmail.com

Art Director/Cover

KEVIN O’BRIEN

clay.union@gmail.com

CHRIS FABELA

Actor, Grunion Editor

HERE

andyk.union@gmail.com

Music Editor

Culture Editor

AND

kevinob.union@gmail.com

MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN merm.union@gmail.com Comics Editor

KEVIN SENT

This Week’s Assistant Editors:

COLLEEN BROWN, ALISON ERNST, FOLASHADE ALFORD

Contributors:

MIKE PALLOTTA, VICTOR CAMBA, PARKER CHALMERS, DEVIN O’NEIL, STEPHANIE HERNANDEZ, BRYAN WALTON, COREY LEIS, DEBORAH ROWE, LISA VAN WIJK, TANNER PARKER, KEVIN JORGE-CRUZ, CHRIS PAGE, MICHAEL IACOUCCI, DANIEL PEREZ, CHRISTINA MOTT, KEVIN NICHOLSON, CHELSEA HOBBY, SARA HATAKEYAMA, KATIE BROWN, DANIEL SERRANO, JORDAN MAEVE, MARLON DELEON, ALLISON HUITT, JILLIAN THOMAN, KIMBERLY TORREZ, JARRED BLUNK, TYLER STAFFORD, JUSTIN JUNG, WES VERNER, KEVIN NG, JOHN VILENUEVA, GENE KANG, RON MITCHEL, RACHEL CLARE, ADAM FAY, ELISA ANG , ANNETTE SCANLON, CLAUDIA RODRIGUEZ, SALLY KEY, JONATHAN BALDERAS, CAREY BAXTER, SHANE RULING, TRAVIS BARON, ALBERTOE MATA, DONNIE BESSON, KENDRA ABALZA, ERIN FREY, JESSICA BERTOLLUCCI, LAURA HEMBD

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication.

However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?

MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com

L

ast Friday, the American Indian Student Council (AISC) and Justice And Gender Education (JAGed) delivered a petition for my dismissal as Editor-in-Chief to the ASI Media Board. A week before I was quoted in the Daily 49er saying that, “I don’t believe [they] will get 500 valid petitioners.” They ended up getting over 1,000 signatures. We’ll see.

I was in attendance, and having drunk heavily the night before I was douchily disheveled, bed head, bright pink shirt, and the shaded senate chambers left me with no excuse to hide behind my Ray-Bans. Members of AISC and JAGed took turns yelling in my direction about how I had lead my staff on a year-long liquor fueled assault on the women and Native American people of this campus. I disagree.

Not the best morning. I stuttered and burbled through the meeting. I had to choose my words carefully; it felt like a game of fucking Scrabble. I knew nothing I said was going to change anyone’s opinion, so I should have gone off the rails and said what I wanted, that the idea that an opinion is upsetting to someone is not a valid reason to squelch said opinion. But it wasn’t a meeting of the Union Weekly; no, it was a meeting of the ASI Media Board, which I walked away from with a better appreciation for the Union Weekly. Where else can I sit down, think about something and then truly express myself to my peers? The only place is the Union Weekly, and I am truly grateful for the years I have been privileged to work within it.

Maybe they can fire me, maybe they can’t, at this point nothing could matter less to me. I’m more worried about learning how to tie a bowtie in time for my friend’s wedding. What they cannot take away me is the friends I have made, the fun I have had and all the office supplies that I am currently cramming into my pockets and under my shirt. Work hard, play hard, steal office supplies harder. I’m going to live forever!

Bellow are letters in support of the Union Weekly from fellow students. We need to organize a group hug.

was mistaken in picking up the Union Weekly and thinking that this was exactly what the publication embraced. My bad.

But hey, I do enjoy zombie stories, sudoku puzzles, and the occasional Chewbaccathemed comic strip. Maybe that’s just me.

You just keep picking up your old run-ofthe-mill newspapers with “proper” news about the budget deficits and other such pleasantries. I’ll just hang out over here and indulge in another copy of the Union Weekly. I’d much rather start my week with well-intended amusement and a few handfuls of profanities anyway.

Humor? Yes, I like my humor. The dirtier and the more offensive the humor, the more I inevitably enjoy it. Perhaps I

Hi there!

I’m writing mainly in response to Corey Leis’ short piece in this week’s issue of my

-Rachel Clare Dear Pesky Plumbers, Okay, I’m a little bit uninformed because I haven’t been reading (go figure) any of your guys’ stuff at all this semester because of... stuff. But the gist of what I’m hearing is that someone pissed off someone again, but now that someone-pissed-off wants to cancel our your guys’ funding.

Well, to that I say, no, because the Union is a good, honest paper filled with different levels of shit and Tom Foolery that I used to like to read often. Although, as racist or offensive or ignorant as that guy (myself included) was who wrote the Pow Wow article, it’s his own opinion from however he felt up to that day, and we ALL had the chance to refute it. For example, I remember in one issue back when Beef [Mike Pallotta] was the editor, some guy was saying something about potheads or something, and in the very next week, that one guy who did the colomn “Post-Industrial Homesick Blues” [Matt Dupree] verbally capped his ass! (This incident scared me from writing anything in here, but now I’m not as much of a pussy. Well, kinda.) With this paper, you can do almost anything as long as it’s in text or image format, and that comes in varying levels of poorness or richness for me to enjoy. So I’m in your support. But, if you guys do get shut down... will I be able to still use the microwave that’s in there?

-The Black Guy That Uses Your Microwave Sometimes

favorite publication, the Union Weekly.

I too, have (had?) been a little scared to approach the Union in many forms. I’ve been an avid reader since my freshman year in 2005 (yes, I know) but I’ve always wanted to write for the Union, or at least to the Union, and since I’m finally graduating from CSULB next month, I wanted to finally take the time to give my deepest appreciation for the paper.

I tell all of my friends about how awesome the Union is, and I encourage everyone—who is into witty humor and good music like me—to check it out. I think a couple of years ago I signed up to become part of the staff during Week of Welcome, but I guess it never panned out. I live pretty far away and don’t have class on Fridays so it’s a little difficult for me to make the time to come to staff meetings on Fridays, although I’ve desperately wanted to. The paper’s articles about things like a Coachella (from this week—loved it btw, especially since I’m going), a review of a Jens Lekman show from 2008, a writer’s reviews of awesome books I should read (I lost the list and forgot the writer’s name—but if I ever remember the name of those books, I definitely want to read it) lead me to believe the Union is definitely the best newspaper I’ve ever read and ever will read.

Plus, I’d like to say “Hi!” to Folashade Alford who reminds me of myself.

I read a couple of pieces from her last week and I’ve never known another black vegetarian who also loves Donald Glover (I’ve seen/met him so many times too...).

Made me excited, just a little.

On the ~flipside~ I kind of disagree with some things about the Union, including a recent sexist article by you, and the fact that I always try to enter the short story contest only to find out that the only winners are Union staff members. Plus, I kind of was a little weirded out by Alison Ernst’s short piece about her boyfriend. Mainly because I know I’m going to grow up to be an old cat lady with no one to love her.

Keep up the (mostly) good work!

-Jessica C. Simmons Thank you all and namaste.

Ask Away!

Finished the paper but still have questions or comments? Send them to the editor at kevinob.union@gmail.com!

UNION WEEKLY

18 APRIL 2011

OPINIONS

A LIFE ON FACEBOOK

THE DEFINING FACTOR OF OUR GENERATION COLLEEN BROWN UNION STAFFER

Illustration

ALLIE GOERTZ

CONTRIBUTOR

GOING PLACES FOLASHADE ALFORD UNION STAFFER

F

acebook is arguably the most essential tool of our generation. Most of us use it on a daily (and probably hourly) basis.

Staying connected to people near and far has never been this easy. But staying so connected with everyone from our past, present, and ultimately, our future has taken a toll on people’s selfimage. There arises a new “Facebook persona,” in which individuals attempt to make their life look appealing on-screen.

It starts with thinking in Facebook statuses—a process I’ll admit influences my own life. If something even remotely interesting or slightly random happens to me, I exaggerate it and up it goes on my wall. I like to make people laugh. I don’t think thinking like this is a bad thing, because I surf my friend’s status updates to find humorous posts as well, but creating these posts becomes a bad habit. The other day I almost put up a status of a funny occurence in my life that I thought was hilarious—but it happened to me in seventh grade. Also, come to think of it, it actually didn’t happen to me, it happened to my friend. But naturally, I was going to write it in such a way that you would think it happened to me just moments before I posted it. Again, there’s nothing inherently terrible about this, but I realized the lengths I was going to just to get a laugh out of people via Facebook. I couldn’t just tell the story to a group of friends and laugh about it with them, I wanted to reach as many people as possible and have them all think I was funny.

That’s part of the appeal of Facebook for many people: trying to have a lot of virtual friends reading and seeing how awesome everything in your

4

UNION WEEKLY

18 APRIL 2011

life is compared to their own lives.

While sitting in class with a friend, we were zoning out on our computers, and he looked over to my page and saw the event invitations I had at the time.

He turned to me and said, “I wish I was as good of a college student as you are.”

Of course, I thought he meant “good” as in “you have the intellectual mind of a god,” but it turns out he just wished he had more invites on Facebook. It didn’t bother me too much at first, but then I realized that he valued me more because he thought I had a solid amount of social invitations on a networking site. His perception of my online persona factored significantly into his opinion of me.

And it’s not just appearing socially active online—it’s a portrayal of an identity. I love to read people’s “About Me” sections. So rarely does anyone have anything to say that resembles who they are. Sure, it’s difficult to nail yourself down in a paragraph or less, but this portion of the site should really be called the “Who I’d Like to Be” section, the “How to Make Yourself Look Interesting While Looking Like You Don’t Really Care” section, or the “I Wrote This My Freshman Year of College and Don’t Want to Update It, Quit Creeping on My Page, Colleen” section.

But seriously, people offer up the most obscure information about themselves to try and magnify their uniqueness.

There are also the over-emotional sharers. They don’t try to make their lives look awesome, they just want people to take part in everything they think is crappy. This is especially true of people who have recently been dumped. I think if I personally went through a terrible break-up, I would either avoid social networking sites,

or fall into the category of “look how great life is going for me” posts. But the feeling-sharer types will post “...missing that son of a bitch...WHY?!” while their ex can fully view this. It’s this incredible need for attention and validation of feeling that makes my heart hurt, or makes me want to throw up all over the keyboard (depending on how much I like you, mostly).

These issues on Facebook—the want to look cool, seem popular, and feel validated—are all problems humans have without social websites. I’m not saying that any of these problems have arisen from the creation of Facebook, merely that it causes these internal conflicts to intensify. We’re all under the impression that we’re constantly under the eyes of hundreds of people, and insecurities are a byproduct of this. I’m not trying to denounce anyone who takes part in these behaviors, we all do it to some extent. I mean, I wouldn’t write this if I myself didn’t want to appear like I have all my shit figured out and am now free to comment on everyone else’s sad life, right?

But hey, now that I’ve thought about it more, being funny on Facebook is cool. Trying to make your life appear perfect is pointless, and I just don’t understand people who have lots of feelings that need to get out, but please, share a funny story. It’s a nice thing to do, and it fuels positive energy, because it makes everyone laugh. I don’t care if it’s made up (I’m a writer, after all), but I want to laugh.

Or better yet, come write something funny for this paper. Then you can post a link to it on your Facebook and bask in the glow of everyone commenting and “liking” the fact that you’re published.

I finally got a story. Thanks to James Kislingbury, former Entertainment Editor. No thanks to the rest of you keeping all your feelings bottled up inside. One more thing, last time the column ran, it had an awesome illustration of me by my friend Erich Frey but he got no credit. So here’s your credit man! Don’t beat me up, please (he’s really buff). I got a new email address: goingplaces.union@gmail.com. Use it! James writes: Parking on CSULB is strictly for the birds. It’s a great way to get tickets, drive around like a jerk for an hour, or walk to class like a schmuck. The alternative I chose was to take the bus. I didn’t have to drive and, other than the odd bag of chicken feet on my walk to the bus stop, it was a hassle free way to get to campus. But this story is about the only time I’ve ever encountered the n-word in the wild.

I was picked up by the 91 in front of a bad Mexican restaurant and a carniceria that I accidentally bought horse meat from (by the way, if you’re going to sell “caballo” in your store, don’t misspell the word, alright?). Travelling towards campus, I was probably listening to either Joy Division or Mark Kermode, when I was interrupted by a Vietnam veteran who asked me if I wanted to hear a story.

Of course I did. I’m sure most know that the Veteran’s Affair’s Hospital is a neighbor of CSULB and many veterans take that bus to the hospital (Hey, fun fact, it’s actually where my uncle died). There’s a heraldry of US NAVY and US AIRBORNE and VIETNAM VET hats and patches on the bus almost every single day of the week. I never spoke to any of them, but I wish I had. Instead I listened to my iPod like a jackass.

Fate decided to shake me up on that day. After I said yes, he told me to take off my head phones, don’t be rude. I did. Then he told me that all of the most chickenshit guys in the ‘Nam were n-words. Fact. All of the guys who raped women and in the brig were all n-words like that guy who just walked off the bus that called him a cracker. Then he gave me a primer course that if you wanted to cut a guy with a knife, you need to lead with your shoulder and not your wrist.

Then, as though he felt the demiurge of liberal progressivism, he started talking about how when the Red Tails in WWII (better known as the Tuskegee Airmen), were spotted by the Germans, the Krauts would fuck right off because they knew better than to try to attack those particular African Americans.

Towards the end of my bus ride, he told me that he was Mexican, which really confused where I needed to aim my White Guilt at. I thought of saying that he shouldn’t use those words, but for whatever reason, I didn’t feel up to lecturing a Hispanic ‘Nam vet on the language he uses. After that, I got off and headed towards my European Cinemas of Fascism, Communism and Resistance class.

Anyways, there’s a quote I heard from an airman in a PBS documentary about the Red Tails, which was “Black ace to black base, find me some black landing space.” Lord knows we all need some place to land.

I doubt you’re going to find it by busting out the n-word, though.

- James Kislingbury

OPINIONS

RAISING AWARENESS, KATY AND HER GRANDPA’S FIGHT AGAINST

RAISING H0PE PANCREATIC CANCER Photo

KATY PARKER LITERATURE EDITOR

My life has rarely unfolded in a way that I would describe as “expected,” and this summer is no exception. On June 14th, I will be next to my mom at the US Capitol in Washington, DC advocating for Congress to pass the Pancreatic Cancer Research & Education Act. We are going in honor of her father, my grandfather. He was diagnosed with locally advanced pancreatic cancer on April 1, 2010 in what has been the most abysmal April Fool’s Day occurrence to my memory.

Over a year later, he is still fighting for his life. He has undergone extensive chemotherapy and radiation treatments, and in spite of the enormous physical and emotional toll this has taken on him, the tumor in his pancreas has remained stable, wrapped around a major blood vessel so intricately that it cannot be removed. The dignity and tenacity with which he has fought this illness is astounding to me, and I am moved by how generous, loving,

and strong all of my family members have shown themselves to be. It can’t be denied, however, that this disease has been nothing less than devastating. It has become one of the most significant events in my life. In the grand, statistic scheme of things, however, this one story is just a tiny piece of a tremendous, poisonous epidemic.

Here are many numbers and facts.

They’re important to me. Pancreatic cancer has the highest mortality rate of all major cancers. It is the fourth leading cause of cancer-related death in this country and kills people of all ages.The American Cancer Society reports that of the nearly 44,000 people who will be diagnosed this year, around 75% of these people will die within 12 months. 96% will be gone within five years. You have a one-in-71 chance of having it in your lifetime.

The reasons behind this insane mortality rate are not complex. This type of can-

cer is nearly undetectable until it becomes very advanced. There are very few noticeable symptoms. More striking is the fact that while this disease is a leading cause of cancer death, funding for pancreatic cancer research is minimal compared to that of other cancers. This is the only major cancer which has not seen a significant improvement in survival rates in the last 40 years.

The government has not provided any type of comprehensive research and awareness strategy for this disease. Other illnesses such as breast cancer have become widely publicized and supported and have seen advances, and the same should become true for pancreatic cancer. There is no clearly understood cause, there is no form of early detection, there is no effective treatment, and there is very little public awareness of this cancer.

The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network is a national organization which works to

KARY PARKER UNION MOMMY

promote awareness, funding, and research for the disease. Their goal is to double the survival rate by 2020. Volunteers like my mom and me will spend June 14th, Advocacy Day, attempting to communicate these needs to elected officials. If any of this information has made an impact on you, or if you know me, I personally ask that you google “Pancan National Call-In” to find out how you can email your elected officials on this day to help advocate for the cause.

Please also see pancan.org for more information and resources.

Additionally, if your life has been affected by pancreatic cancer, I would love to hear your story. Please email me at katy.union@gmail.com. Finally, although this article in no way can justify what my grandpa has gone through over the last year, I just want the general world to know that I love and respect him very much.

Thank you for reading.

HAIKUPINIONS

OUR SAPPIEST SENTIMENTS IN SEVENTEEN SYLLABLES MIKE PALLOTTA

THE O’BRIEN BROTHERS

CHELSEA STEVENS

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF/PART NOODLE

UNION STAFFER, POET WHOREATE

OPINIONS EDITOR, JILLIAN SHAKESPEARE

Oh fuck, I farted And felt something wet. Thank God It was only blood.

Milk gallon challenge Is chocolate milk allowed?

That seems more filling.

Hooray, Daddy’s home!

My soul is trapped in a box That he shits into.

Dirty dishes are A gift from the deepest depths Of the devil’s butt

Government shutdown Teenage anarchists’ wet dream Near reality

I got 2 percent, I got Nesquik, stir it up, Drink it down right quick

Birds were dinosaurs Big hot space rocks fell from sky Birds are such shit, right?

Chinese food tastes good But when you microwave it It smells like dog shit

Silent Friday night Spent reading Hulk comic books Forever alone

Drink milk so cold my Teeth hurt, feel it come back up, I puke in my shirt

Everywhere, fat kids Push them all into the sea Sink or swim... just sink.

I hate when people Take up collective sound space Buy fucking headphones

Spiderman web swings On daydreams, classmate rambles I don’t give no fucks

With fruit by the foot, When you’re done eating, you get A ninja headband.

Tall yellow hummer Need a ladder to get in Step on your knuckles

Feminists don’t play You make a joke about rape They will rape your soul

Office tip: if you Wanna look like you’re working Walk around with files

I don’t always drink Dos Equis, but when I do, It’s ’cause it’s on sale

The noodles, they dance And then they get all of ya’ll Noodle-y bitches

The worst friends are the Ones who think that you like them When you really don’t

People in heaven Don’t check their facebook pages That’d mean they’re in hell

Greasy chopsticks poke I choke to death on chow mein Interracial kiss

Racquetball is fun Unless you get a court that Somebody pissed on

Sometimes I feel like Ending it all... but then who Will feed all the cats?

UNION WEEKLY

18 APRIL 2011

5

CAMPUS

FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE FALLOUT FROM IMPROMPTU CLOSING OF BROTMAN HALL DURING RALLY JESSICA BERTOLLUCCI CONTRIBUTOR

A

s you may or may not know, a statewide protest was held on Wednesday, April 13 to protest cuts in education in the state budget. The protest at CSULB had some very strange fallout.

Any seniors attempting to pay their summer tuition fees before 3pm may have stumbled upon an unusual situation. All of Enrollment Services was under police lockdown. Initially, students could be let into Brotman Hall if they had a faculty or staff member vouch for them. By the time I was able to get someone on the phone to agree to let another senior and myself enter to pay our tuition, so as not to be dropped from our summer classes, the Long Beach Police Department changed the protocol. LBPD would not allow any-

one other than faculty and staff to enter the building.

The thing I find most disconcerting is that the college did not seem to think that the closing of Brotman Hall warranted the use of the emergency email system. Disseminating information to the student body is supposedly the purpose of this system. I spoke to Enrollment Services and explained that if they simply sent out an email notifying the student body that they were closed due safety concerns stemming from the protest, the deluge of confused students attempting to access Enrollment Services would end.

Apparently, this was not a priority for the University, as no email was ever sent.

It seems irresponsible to close Enrollment Services, without warning, the week

that tuition is due. Particularly for transfer students with senior status, who have priority enrollment dates and no access to financial aid disbursements until July. For Spring 2011 transfer students, like me, who are dependent upon financial aid and the Pell Grant to fund their education, they may have found themselves in a precarious fiscal situation this week. Spring transfer students were not included in summer financial aid distributions. However, I called the financial aid office on Monday and found out that there is a separate list of transfer students who qualify for assistance and will receive a disbursement in July.

For those of you who are freaking out because you have to come up with nearly $4,000, you may want to call the financial

aid office and make sure that your name is not on this list. Simply by inquiring about this discrepancy Monday morning, I received an estimated Pell Grant and subsequently only needed to come up with $1,039, still a substantial sum but not nearly as devastating as $4,000.

When I spoke to Enrollment Services on April 13, the woman on the phone put me on hold for 10 minutes to speak to a supervisor. When she came back on the line she said that they would postpone dropping people from classes for one week in order to make up for the inconvenience of being closed due to the protest. Whether or not this was mere lip service or if the University will uphold this promise, only time will tell.

professor here and at Cal Poly, and a current business owner, concluded the panel.

Lynch urged her audience to negotiate when a salary is offered by a potential employer. Most women are likely to just accept the first offer on the table, so Lynch provided us with a handout of her top ten tips for negotiating a salary.

But perhaps the most immediate concern presented was in regards to the Paycheck Fairness Act, which would not put an end to the problems of equal pay, but it would update the 48-year-old fair pay laws to address issues such as closing the loopholes that were used against the women in

the Dukes v. Wal-Mart case. This act went through the Senate last year, but despite the support of the majority it did not pass. The bill will be re-introduced this week, and the members of the American Association of University Women urge students to show their support for a bill that will help put an end to this battle.

After all, some of the women in that room have fought this war their entire lives.

I definitely don’t want to continue to fight it for the rest of my life. As I left, the words of the panel’s moderator, Gerrie Schipske, rang through my head, “Equal pay for equal work is not a radical concept!”

EQUAL PAY DAY PANEL BY WOMEN FOR WOMEN LAURA HEMBD CONTRIBUTOR

Equal Pay Day is a national event that takes place every April 12. Statistically, a woman would have to work three months and 12 days more than a man to make the same annual amount.

I never had to worry about pay discrimination in my three, part-time, $8-an-hour jobs. When I got to the event, I noticed that the audience consisted of more than just students—there were women of retiring age who still feel the impact of this issue.

After the introduction, Alejandra Edwards, an Economics professor here at CSULB, relayed a brief history of women in the work place and gender discrimination.

She then went on to stress the importance of networking among women. Sometimes facing the monumental effort needed to draw even with their male coworkers, women forget to work not just toward equality, but toward advancement. Carlynne McDonnell, an organizational consultant, spoke to the audience next. McDonnell informed the audience about the lawsuits that have taken place because of gender discrimination, such as Dukes v. Wal-Mart, which involved women across the nation who have worked at Wal-Mart and experienced unequal pay, fewer promotion opportunities, and hostile work environments. Pat Lynch, a former

SAKURA BLOSSOM BENEFIT FOR JAPAN

BENEFIT FUNDRAISER FOR VICTIMS OF JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE AND PACIFIC TSUNAMI SIERRA PATHEAL CONTRIBUTOR

As one of my friends said a few days ago, crossing the boring, “On March 11, 2011, a 9.0…” off of the flyer I was holding for her perusal, “If they don’t know what happened in Japan by now, they’ve been living under a rock.” I had to agree that she was probably correct (if you have been living under a rock, carry on. I’m impressed that you get the Union there.)

That said, if you’re anything like me, you’ve been looking for, and finding, ways to help Japan since the earthquake. On behalf of the Golden Key International Honour Society and the University Honors Program Student Association at CSULB, UNION WEEKLY

18 APRIL 2011

I would like to invite you to another way to help.

On April 20, 2011, the Sakura Blossom Benefit for Japan, a gala benefit fundraiser, will be held in the beautiful Earl Burns Miller Japanese Gardens at CSULB. A common response when I tell my friends about the event is, “I’ve never been there,” spoken in a wistful tone. If that counts for you, too, here’s your chance. And even if you have been there, the Gardens are lovely in the spring, and that kind of beauty never gets old.

Local indie rock band Squarefish will be performing and the silent auction will fea-

ture CSULB student artwork. Light refreshments will be provided. The price is only $5, but additional donations will be graciously accepted. All proceeds will go to the Red Cross for victims of the Japan Earthquake and Pacific Tsunami, and a separate station will be set up for donations to World Vets in support of Japan’s animal community.

The CSULB student community is a powerful one; we can make a difference.

By coming out and spending the evening listening to music, socializing, bidding on student artwork, and generally showing your support for Japan, you can expedite the recovery. Together, we make a difference.

This event is funded in part by the Earl Burns Miller Japanese Gardens at CSULB. For more information about the American Red Cross, please call (562) 595-6341 or email arbinim@usa.redcross.org.

When: April 20, 6-8:30pm Where: Earl Burns Miller Japanese Gardens Who: Open to the public Dress: Casual Cost: $5

ETERNAL

JAMNATION OUR MANAGING EDITOR SHREDS WITH LOCAL MUSICIANS

Photos

ANDY KNEIS

I

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

MANAGING EDITOR

like reading and learning about music. I read reviews for albums I’ve never heard, and I feel like I’ve watched every music-based documentary and film that exists. The only problem is, when people write about music, they write about the context of the music. They say who the musicians are, where they are from, their mom’s maiden names, but sometimes it gets to be too much.

Yeah, yeah, I get it, music is subjective, art is not creative in a vacuum, an apple a day keeps the doctor awake… or something like that, but I read about music to learn more about music, not the artist’s life story and a brief history of the earth. Since I am the kind of guy that takes charge and grabs the bullshit by the horns, I decided to set out to be the change I wanted to see. Instead of just interviewing local musicians, I decided to set out and play along and improvise with them. I wish there was a better word for it, but I guess I’d say we jammed.

Before I began, I got a chance to speak with Josh Freese, a Long Beach local, and one of the most prominent and prolific session drummers ever. He’s played with Katy Perry, Weezer, Avril Lavigne, Devo and a ton others. Basically, if you hear live drums on the radio, it’s probably Josh. I asked him what the secret was to playing with so many varied artists, but turns out it’s not that complicated.

It’s all about listening, and being “aware of what the other musicians are doing around you, constantly using your best judgment on how to fit in with the people you are playing with.” Turns out it was good advice, if only I could apply it to my real life.

DJ STON3WALL The first musician I played with was Ryan Keegan, also known as DJ Ston3wall, a local electronic musician and DJ who’s played several shows around Long Beach, and even

in our very own campus beer and gross pizza dispensary: The Nugget. Ryan told me he mainly creates “dubstep” and “electro” music. I was excited, I hoped to learn

more about dubstep and electro, and how DJs create music. The only information I had about dubstep was this: once, my friend from high school invited me to a dubstep show in Berkeley, and when we were waiting in line a homeless man gave him free drugs.

And he took them. And then deafening bass thumped at my brain and rumbled my butt.

My experience with Ryan was different. First of all, he has a home. Also, I got a chance to see how DJing and dubstep works. Ryan walked me through his gear, which was a couple of electronic turntables that allowed him to manipulate and sync up different samples and prerecorded musical sections. The turntables also allowed him to put different effects on the samples. My personal favorite is the one that makes it sound like the music is coming out of a bathtub from down the hall, then it gets closer and closer until it gets right up in your face. Apparently most clubs usually have even more advanced DJ equipment, which is cool, but I’d probably just do the bathtub effect over and over until they booed me off the stage.

Ryan explained that dubstep has a very specific tempo, 70 beats-per-minute. For reference, your resting heart rate is probably somewhere around 70 beats-per-minute as well. The set seemed to follow a similar structure: the beat would begin in double time (140 beats-per-minute), and a sample would be introduced. Ryan told me the most popular samples are the ones the crowd can recognize instantly, like Far East Movement’s “Like a G6,” or “The Monster Mash.”

After the sample and the beat build enough, Ryan cut the beat in half to 70, making it sound super heavy, and then he dropped the big dubstep bass on top, Since we were only in a guy’s bedroom, I decided to just play my guitar acoustically as Ryan played through his computer speakers.

Things weren’t quite meshing at first, since dubstep’s famous bass “wobble,” which just sounds like a guy going “wom wom wom wom wom” a bunch, didn’t really have a distinct note or tonality. I decided to focus on the samples playing in the background, which all seemed to be in the key of D#, so I was able to play along. At first my guitar sounded kind of out of place, but after I got used to the contrast, the acoustic guitar gave the music a cool organic sound over the industrial sounds of dubstep. Ryan later told me that his setup also can adjust the key of songs, which explained how I was able to play in the same key despite the samples being from different sources.

After focusing on dubstep for a while, Ryan switched to playing electro, which was a bit less heavy, and sounded more like Daft Punk style electronic music. I decided to switch over to bass, and all of a sudden things meshed instantly. The deep bass worked perfectly over the bleeps and bloops of the music, and Ryan’s excitement was instantly noticeable. All I had to do was play a couple riffs over the music in a C major scale, and musical synergy was made. It’s that easy.

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18 APRIL 2011

FROM LEFT: ANDY KNEIS, CHELSEA STEVENS, ANTHONY VEZIRIAN, REZA MOHAJER

FOX AND BEAR BAND I had played a couple shows with Fox and Bear Band, and I had been big fans of their super energetic, super complex music. They manage to make a lot of noise with just a two-piece band with drums and bass. That’s why I was excited when I heard from them they’d like to jam. Of course, the more I thought about it, the more nervous I became. What was so intimidating was their manipulation of time signatures.

This is going to take some time to explain so you can stop reading now if you hate learning and hate having an enormous brain. Okay, so, a time signature basically tells you how many beats there are per measure in a song. Most songs you hear on the radio are in 4/4, meaning that there you can count 4 beats before the next measure starts. The snare drum usually hits on the 2 and 4 of the measure, so that might give you a hint, but of course, this isn’t always the case, so reader beware!!! Fox and Bear Band, however, experiment with craziness like 7/4, which means there are 7 beats in a measure. Pretty much the only comparable popular song is Pink Floyd’s “Money,” which has 7 beats, but lacks cred unless you’re trying to impress your dad.

Much of Fox and Bear Band’s stuff is in 5/4 as well, which gives the music a disjointed feeling by adding an extra 5th beat that you aren’t expecting. There really isn’t a popular music equivalent until you start getting to stuff like Radiohead’s “15 Step.”

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18 APRIL 2011

5/4 is probably closer to something like iambic pentameter, which also has five beats per line.

Anyway, as you can see, the shit’s complicated. I got to sit in and play along with one of Fox and Bear Band’s practices, and although I was overwhelmed, I don’t think I ruined any songs, which I am proud of. I was pleased to find that they played mostly in A major, my personal favorite key. Although major keys are usually happier, lighter sounding, something about A major on guitar and bass has a really interesting, bittersweet kind of sound. Imagine like... a clown’s funeral.

Even though I did get lost a couple times when playing, I managed to not ruin songs by just flailing around in the same key. It kind of added to the hectic sound, or at least that’s what I tell myself so I can get to sleep at night. I pretty much just played a couple notes while I stood in awe as these guys were able to make music that sounded like it was one note away from falling apart, but it never did. They even worked on a new song, and I realized that they play like this all the time. They don’t have to work out every complicated bass line or time signature change, they’re so in tune with one another, they can somehow keep up with all the complexities on the fly.

I don’t know why the heck I’m writing this feature, someone call up the Fox and Bear Band. Fire me.

BLOODY ANAL LEAKAGE OF SYLMAR I got a chance to jam with Culture Editor Leo Portugal’s band as well. Leo is a modest guy, but he did tell me that his band was on the radio once, and was even listened to and enjoyed by the actor Adam Scott (the skinny guy with the big head on Parks and Recreation). That right there is far more recognition than anything I’ve ever done musically or in my life. I found out that they’re more of a comedy band, with Leo writing joke lyrics while his friends back him up on guitar and drums.

I won’t dance around the subject, Leo’s band wasn’t great. BUT, before Leo murders me, I’ll say this: it didn’t really matter. That’s one thing that happens when you play music with friends, often the friendship and the hanging out takes precedence over playing music, but who cares? We played half of a couple songs, then ate In-n-Out and played Trivial Pursuit. Music is about enjoying yourself, but sometimes you’re just in the mood to eat a big ole burger and hand everyone their asses in Trivial Pursuit.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT JAM For my final jam, I got our Opinions Editor and Music Department person Chelsea Stevens to get some of her friends in the music department to jam with me. I thought I would go straight to the source of the music on campus and see what everyone’s up to in that cluster of buildings by the pyramid. Secret pyramid power rituals? No, just music it turns out.

Chelsea got a few of her friends from the jazz department to come in and jam with an uneducated jerk like me. Turns out jazz people are always down to jam even when they’re busy with recitals and stuff. Word around the music buildings is that the string players can be real jerks sometimes and don’t like to improvise. I entered the practice room and everyone was ready to go. I had played with the drummer, Anthony Vezirian, a couple times before, so he was a good introduction into the world of jazz.

Anthony is one of those guys who is born to play drums. He’s got a bizarre energy that he translates into a solid but unique style.

As we started, they made the very grave mistake of allowing me to start. Since I am mostly a bass player, my guitar style consists

of my playing a melody over and over again and making the dumbest face imaginable.

Mostly it works since my face distracts people, but working with these guys who really knew their stuff probably couldn’t tell I only know like 5 chords and don’t even know a blues scale and stuff. Guitarist Shane Savala attempted valiantly to change around the chords and do fancy music people shit, but the jam kept moving along.

After a little bit, I hear an awesome, screeching high sax note playing over the top of our guitars and drums. Reza Mohajer was in the back of the room playing over us in a semi-impromptu, long-haired addition to our jam. Chelsea jumped in too, and before we knew it we had a full band of music department buddies. With the addition of more people, I felt like my guitar had a better place in the band. I was like the stable center while these music majors revolved around me, playing all their fancy jazz notes. A thing that seems to set their chords and scales apart from my beginner guitarbook style is the use of lesser used chords like major sevenths and suspended chords.

This basically means they take a chord that

might sound familiar, and then rearrange a note or two to create some dissonance and shake things up a bit. Jazz musicians used to be rebels, you know. They decided they didn’t want to play boring old people chords, so they moved some notes around until it sounded weird enough to make people mad.

Good work guys. Sorry I dishonored your memory by explaining things terribly.

At first I stuck with my trusty A major as a key to improvise in, but all these fancy music majors inspired me to slap a capo on my guitar and change the key to C#. I pretty much played the same as I did before, but whatever. I’m not on trial here. Reza and Shane had to head out, so me and Chelsea decided to follow through on our long anticipated Farty Bass Jam. I grabbed an electric bass and Chelsea somehow lifted her enormous upright bass. Anthony played along as our basses rumbled the walls. I also got to play an upright bass for the first time. I’m

not sure why they have to make it’s so darn big and make the neck so darn thick. Actually I guess I do, and it’s even more boring than you’d imagine. You see: all sound is just waves in the air that lovingly tickle the hairs in your ear, which we interpret as noise. The lower the frequency, the bigger the waves are. These waves need more room to resonate, which is why the lower the instrument is, the bigger it usually is. And since an upright bass was designed to be able to be heard along with violins and trumpets and those bassoon things that have mouthpieces that look like straws so the musicians look like they’re sipping on a crazy future drink.

Anyway, there’s your boring fact for today, straight from my brain to your butt. Note for copy-editors: please make sure I didn’t say “ass” or “asses” when I was trying to type “bass.” If I did, please don’t read anything into it. Thank you.

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MUSIC

WHAT WE’VE BEEN LISTENING TO COLD CAVE: CHERISH THE LIGHT YEARS NOAH KELLY CAMPUS EDITOR

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ne-handed wonder Wes Eisold silenced his screaming vocals and picked up a synthesizer a few years back in 2009 when his new band, Cold Cave, released Love Comes Close. Love Comes Close seemed to bring together the droney, darkwave elements of the previous Cold Cave EPs, American Nightmare’s hooks and a level of pop catchiness that really leaves Cold Cave stuck in your brain. Does 2011’s Cherish the Light Years live up to the hype that Love Comes Close amassed?

Cherish starts off incredibly strong, not pulling any punches or waiting for any build-

up with “The Great Pan is Dead” and “Pacing Around the Church.” Both songs are incredibly catchy and fast paced, and highlighting Eisold’s vocals is just a slight hint of echo that carries his breathless monotone voice further than it did on their previous album. The sound effects keys on their Casio must be worn smooth with all the beats that appear in just “The Great Pan.” The first two songs are actually so great that I often have found myself repeating just the first two before forgetting that I have an entire album left.

After the strong openers is where I start to drift off. The pace slows down and tinkle-y keys pervade the background of “Confetti.” The fe-

male vocals really add something to “Confetti,” but it just isn’t enough. The dancey-ness of the opening songs just leave the third track lacking, but thankfully it does pick itself back up as the album continues.

Cherish is clearly more focused on beats, dance-appeal and vocals than Love Comes Close, but somehow it just goes in one ear and out the other. The droney, depressing and repetitious songs of the previous album latched themselves onto my brain a lot easier than the new, more upbeat tracks. I feel like I would rather hear Cherish the Light Years at a dance party or PartTime Punks, but I would rather listen to Love Comes Close when I’m alone and relaxing.

that repeats throughout most of the song, joined by an equally hooking bass line. TNV’s strength is in the length of their songs. When they give themselves a longer track length, it feels like a well thought out and orchestrated tune, rather than their simpler 1:30ish songs. This is probably the best song on the album for this very reason, but also because it’s both anthematic and understated at the same time.

Right when things were getting boring, the speedy “Fuck Her Tears” picked things back up. The best part of this song was yet another awesome keyboard line and the deeply introspective chorus, “My heart beats, yes/to your

cigarettes/I’d fuck her tears.” If you get bored, skip to last track “No Good.” Its chorusy vocals are reminiscent of King of the Beach-era Wavves and it has a mandolin that’ll make your head swim.The lyrics as a whole are simple and youthful. These type of boy-meets-girl, summer of love lyrics held in the hands of grinding, yet chilled-out indie rock with vocals shared between guitarist Jared Phillips and keyboardist Beth Murphy (drummer Adam Elliott keeps his mouth shut) is nothing new. It’s a great listen and worth adding to your collection, mostly because these guys are basically The Vaselines of our generation.

on Me,” which perfectly establishes a blissed out nostalgic tone. The first half of Tomboy is nearly flawless. The tracks build off each other from J Dilla worshiping “Slow Motion” to the sugar coated highs of “Surfer Hymn.” The textures that Panda Bear builds in to these songs give them a great richness that imitators can’t even begin to approach. Consider showstopper “Last Night at the Jetty.” The song starts with a fairly barren drum and organ arrangement but layers on bits of distorted noise samples, and vocals that range from the pits of despair to the

most joy filled chorus the Animal Collective machine has written to date. The album drags a bit in the middle especially on downer track “Drone” which does its best to kill the good time vibes. However, unlike on Person Pitch, Panda Bear here manages to create a far more balanced effort. Some might see Tomboy’s lack of 10-minute-plus songs as a sign that Panda Bear failed to live up to the dizzying amount of hype he had to contend with, I see it as a backto-basics dedication to song structure. Tomboy is better because of it.

TIMES NEW VIKING: DANCER EQUIRED STEVE BESSETTE UNION STAFFER

As soon as I pressed play, this band immediately reminded me of early ’90s alt duo The Vaselines. It would be easy to believe Times New Viking was created out of a Sunday afternoon when a few friends got high while listening to records and decided to jam using similar tones.

That may or may not be how this Ohio based band started, but that would be awesome.

Dancer Equired is Times New Viking’s fifth full-length album and it’s pretty swell. Opener “It’s a Culture” mixed laidback flower-power guitar licks with echoey, over-driven vocals.

“Ways to Go” has an addictive keyboard line

PANDA BEAR: TOMBOY MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN MLK OF PIZZA

For about a year-and-a-half now the Internet has been on red alert waiting for Tomboy to leak. Panda Bear has been under a lot of pressure to follow up his own watershed last album, Person Pitch, as well as Animal Collective’s crossover hit, Merriweather Post Pavilion. While Panda Bear might not have topped his last two classic albums, he by no means dropped the ball. Tomboy is another perfect blend of Beach Boys’ vocals warped hip-hop beats and folk.

Case in point: album opener “You Can Count

ZION I AND THE GROUCH: HEROES IN THE HEALING OF THE NATION MIKE TAYLOR UNION STAFFER

If someone were to try to sell you on a hip-hop album by saying it has an uplifting message, you would assume it’s a lame Christian rap group. When it’s skilled Oakland hip-hop duo Zion I collaborating with The Grouch of Living Legends fame, you have to consider it.

Heroes in the Healing of the Nation is the second release from this collective, and it extends past their 2006 effort by infusing more UNION WEEKLY

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musical influences and forming a more positive message. “Frankenstein” is the standout track, with heavy drums kicked off by screams of “It’s Alive!” The track rings of hypnotic despair against the reliance on technology until the beat becomes stripped down for The Grouch to make an epic rant, saying, “Clear out the excess, get rid of the unnecessary.

Now’s the time y’all, reclaim your souls.”

The album is entirely produced by Amp Live, who displays his prowess by adding live

instrumentation and guests to provide elements of electronic, jazz, reggae, and dubstep into hip-hop beats. The result is a wide-reaching landscape for Zumbi and The Grouch to trade sharp verses about spiritual health, love, hope, and social-economic problems while sounding fun and engaging. Heroes in the Healing of the Nation is not only enjoyable in terms of entertainment, but also serves as an inspiration for positive change.

ENTERTAINMENT

FEEL LIKE CRAP? LET ME MAKE IT WORSE TWO MOVIES THAT FUCK YOUR HEART TO PIECES MARCO BELTRAN

SICK: The Life & Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist (1997)

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

T

he term “supermasochist” might keep a couple people reading this from watching this documentary, but you’d be missing out on feeling like shit for a few days and possibly crying a little bit. I couldn’t finish this movie the first time I saw it because I couldn’t deal with how shitty his life was. Bob was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at an early age, so for the rest of his life he’s forced to think about whether or not he’ll be able to survive the day. It’s worse to see his family go through it, to know every moment of their life, your son or boyfriend is slowly dying before your eyes and there’s nothing you can do about it.The whole thing is shown through a series of home videos filmed at different points in the latter years of Bob’s life. It’s a disease from which people don’t last many years, yet Bob lived to be 43. There’s that need for the release. I’ve been in a car accident before where I thought I was going to die. As the car hit the barrier, I convinced myself I was about to die, and I didn’t. For the rest of the day I felt that pressure on me, that pressure of almost dying and it doesn’t happen. I could barely deal with it for a few days, I can only imagine what it’s like to do it for the rest of your life. I would have killed myself.

Illustration

VICTOR CAMBA UNION STAFFER

Mayor of the Sunset Strip (2003) Regardless of how you feel about Rodney Bingenheimer (that guy that comes out on KROQ after midnight with the high pitched voice that sounds like he’s inhaling helium in between songs), you have no idea how shitty that guy’s life is. Through the course of the documentary you discover how unfortunate it is that he’s extremely rich. He was the first DJ to play most of the popular bands and artists of the ‘70s, ‘80s, and ‘90s, yet he lives in his ailing mother’s house, driving a beat-up car, recalling every encounter he’s ever had with an artist almost like a celebrity memorabilia hoarder. Why? Because instead of using his status as a pop culture icon and all the connections in the music industry he made, he chose to work his life around the music without accepting money for his contributions. It’s fucking shitty, to be recognized as the person to discover so many bands and have nothing to show for it. The worse part about this documentary is that he’s deeply in love with this lady, you can see it in his eyes. When an interview asks her how she feels about Rodney, she confesses to having a boyfriend. The camera zooms into Rodney’s face and actually captures on film the moment that his heart breaks.

A STUDENT WALKS INTO THE THEATRE A review of A Man Walks Into the World COREY LEIS UNION STAFFER

This week, CSULB’s University Players bring us the interesting and daring theatrical exploration A Man Walks Into the World.

Written by Martin Heckmanns, the play examines the great existential questions that life poses to us: who are we and what are we doing here? The action of the play follows a central character, Bruno, from his birth to his death. Throughout his life, Bruno grapples with what it means to be a successful artist and the choices one must make in order to live a fulfilling life.

After a riot of red tape and a profusion of hoops to jump through, director Valentin Levitsky, a citizen and resident of Russia, was finally able to make it to CSULB to preside over this production. Levitsky, who holds a PhD in Art Criticism with an emphasis in theatre from St. Petersburg University, has been at the helm of a number of Russian and German plays, including Alexander Ostrovsky’s Snegurochka.

Levitsky’s unique theatrical vision is manifest in Man’s presentation. He explains: “The structure of the play makes it possible

to use the full ranger of theatrical elements, including all the different ways of working with unusual technical combinations.”

Levitsky and the University Players (actors, crew members, and designers alike) indeed make use of a wide range of theatrical elements. Minimalist set pieces are used in inventive ways to create the various scenes.

And, in true Brechtian fashion, the actors continually reference the fact that they’re putting on a play, making the experience a fun and enjoyable one. There are some moments that are a bit sloppy in their execution, and there are some that are unclear or nebulous in their intention; however, as a whole, A Man Walks Into the World is a successful show.

A Man Walks Into the World runs in the Studio Theatre this week, Tuesday through Saturday (19 April - 23 April), at 8:00PM, with a Saturday matinee at 2:00PM. Tickets are $15 for general admission and $12 for seniors and students (with valid ID).

For tickets, call 562.985.5526 or go to www. csulb.edu/depts/theatre.

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CULTURE

AROUND THE WORLD

CHILE IS SO HOT

B

KENDRA ABLAZA CONTRIBUTOR

orn and raised in the outskirts of LA, I grew up knowing many MexicanAmericans, Guatemalan-Americans, El Salvadorian-Americans, NicaraguanAmericans, you name it, but I had never met a Chilean-American nor knew anything about Chilean culture upon my arrival in Santiago.

Thus, by picking Chile as my host country for studying abroad, you can imagine the best and worst things that were in store for me.

To those who have never visited South America’s “southern cone”, which covers Chile, Argentina and Uruguay, expect to be not just surprised, but taken off guard. They are well-off down here, much more than you would expect anyway, and BLONDE (though not as much in Chile, more in Uruguay and Argentina). The host family I lived with during my first month here last July was richer than anyone I knew personally back in California. They had a two-story condo with a pool in one of the richest parts of the city.

They lived next to a three-story shopping mall that had a McDonald’s, T.G.I. Friday’s,

and Tony Roma’s on the outside. Sure, these might all sound similar to life back home in California (oddly enough there is also a city called Los Ángeles in Chile) but, to me, that was the weirdest part. We are in Latin America, and if Chile is known for anything, it would be for being the most economically stable country in Latin America, mainly due to modeling itself after the US and Europe.

Chile is distinct from any other country in Latin America geographically and culturally. Sure, they speak Spanish, but their slang is tough to pick up on and understand when you first hear it, even for a native Spanish speaker. Their chilenismos, or Chilean slang, incorporates words from English, Italian, and Mapudungun, the language of Chile’s indigenous ancestors, the Mapuche, which makes Chilean Spanish somewhat non-translatable when used in other countries.

Their manners in public are not very Latin American-esque either. People are cold here.

You can literally walk around Santiago for hours not saying a word to anyone unless it

involves a purchase. To make matters worse, I was taken aback when I first arrived here because it did not matter how many Spanish courses I had taken, I was dumbfounded at the incredibly fast, barely-heard-what-yousaid-but-I’m-going-to-guess-based-on-thekey-words Spanish they speak out here. And their accent is so strong it sounds like they don’t pronounce their D’s and S’s. It was like cracking a code whenever I wanted to buy a bottle of water and an empanada.

But that was the beginning. After living here for seven months, I have adjusted to Chilean culture for the most part. I can’t say it was easy, but it was definitely a learning experience that continues to reveal new things as each day goes on. I’ve met my share of nice, rude, indifferent, and a little-too-intrigued Chileans (on top of the growing international community living in Santiago), but overall, I would say that if it was not for living here for as long as I have, I would have never learned about the unique global fusion that Chile is today that cannot be found in any other part

of the world.

For anyone planning to study abroad, the most important and difficult aspect is accepting the little differences between US culture and your host country’s culture. Just try your best to understand why things are the way they are. Trust me, it will make your life so much easier. You’ll see what I mean when you go to the bank only to find out that they close at 2pm everyday, or are waiting in your apartment with your friends at 10pm because it’s still too early to start hitting the clubs, or when you find out it is considered lower class to say “bless you” when someone sneezes, or when you are craving a burger at 3am but must settle for a completo—a Chilean style hot dog loaded with ketchup, mustard, chopped tomato, mashed avocado, and mayonnaise. I know, it sounded amazing in my head too, but just wait until you taste it. Let’s just say you usually have to be drunk to feel satisfied by one of these. With the few months I have left in my year abroad, I think I’ll learn to like completos eventually.

understand WTF and came to this fairly flimsy but possibly correct conclusion: Hong Kong itself is so WTF that people in Hong Kong don’t really grasp the Western idea of WTF. There are countless videos tagged WTF that are just run-of-the-mill commercials from Asia.

Of course, this isn’t entirely true, but one thing that makes Hong Kong such a WTF experience is that it is an amalgamation of Western and Eastern cultures. Hong Kong was under British rule up until 1999, so everything is in English and Cantonese and there is a strange juxtaposition of new and old. Huge, metallic, futuristic buildings sit right next to ancient temples. Funky fish smells intertwine with the fantastic smell of an American burger. Really awkward tasting McDonald’s. Every five feet a person is smoking a cigarette, and my personal favorite, drinking in public! The Indians yell at you to get a custom tailored suit, and when you deny them, they start whispering “hash-

ish, hashish,” and upon further denial, some, will even offer cocaine. Miles of street shops with the same shit, and I mean shit. One of the only things worth buying are the fake Rolexes, but they treat them like they’re made of panda teeth and are incredibly shady about the whole ordeal. Bamboo scaffolding holds up all the construction and looks oddly stable. There are completely packed subways at all times of the day. Giant white British dudes tower over the mostly Asian populous. There’s visible street prostitution, almost no crime or litter, and dried shark fin on every corner. There’s also a 7-11 facing another 7-11 from across the street every hundred yards. If you ever go to Hong Kong, play this game while traveling. Go to 7-11, buy a beer and try to finish it before the next 7-11, buy another and so forth. Very fun.

Hong Kong is pretty cool, but if you go, you better have money. I am now poor, but it was totally worth it.

HONG KONG IS SO WTF CLAY COOPER MANAGING EDITOR

While in Hong Kong on a university trip to present brands and advertisements that address the Hong Kong pollution problem, my graphic design class and I got the opportunity to visit Eight Partnership, a well-known branding and advertising agency. We listened in on their presentation on viral media named “The Power of Viral.”

I was plenty skeptical in the hours leading up to it, thinking that old men were going to try to talk to us about how amazing it is that people can make videos that become popular on their own (Omg, Omg, that’s like free advertising and it’s genius). What was to come was surprising. An Asian man in his mid-20s popped out to begin the presentation and for the first time I had hope. He decisively broke up the concept of “viral” into several sections: Amazing/Talent, Outstanding Production, Funny, WTF, Emotional, and Celebrity, mentioning that most viral videos are combina-

tions. Everything was right on the dot. He knew his shit and could spew it quite well for a non-native English speaker. But then, he reached the WTF category. My eyes widened as he attempted to explain. He explained WTF as meaning, “Why is This so Funny?” Granted, he may have been trying to be polite by avoiding the use of the word “Fuck,” but as the presentation progressed it became very clear to me, and many in the room, that he had no idea what WTF is. He showed the Extreme Sheep Herding video that Samsung made viral, that shows sheep wrapped with Samsung LED lights being herded to create patterns and messages from afar. Pretty cool, but much closer to something like Amazing/Talent combined with Outstanding Production. Not WTF in the least. It was obvious why the fuck.

I could be completely wrong here, but I spent the majority of the next week-and-a-half in Hong Kong trying to figure out why he didn’t

ALISON ERNST UNION STAFFER

This warm weather is great dog walking weather. You aren’t lucky enough to have a dog?! You should adopt one. You should adopt a dog, a new best friend, from the local Seal Beach Animal Care Center (SBACC). Kayla, a lab mix, is one of the many amazing animals that currently reside at the SBACC. Every single one deserves a great home. No animal isn’t worthy of being loved and having a nice, warm home.

UNION WEEKLY

18 APRIL 2011

Kayla was adopted as a puppy to a couple, and they bonded together. After eight years, the couple had a baby who was severely allergic to dogs. Faced with no other options, Kayla was taken to the Seal Beach Animal Care Center in the hopes that she could find another home. Kayla’s previous family adored her, but had no choice. Kayla needs you to give her a loving home for the rest of her life.

Kayla is a total sweetheart. She is very perceptive of her surroundings (she loves to chase ants and squirrels!) and acts much younger than her eight years. Kayla is full of life, and is playful and fun. She loves going for rides in the car and going out on walks. Kayla could be your new walking buddy, encouraging you to exercise and get ready for summer!

KAYLA

LITERATURE

DIGGING UP THE DEAD IN HARRY POTTER DEATH IS THE ULTIMATE SPOILER LEO PORTUGAL CULTURE EDITOR

[Note: I hate spoilers, and you shouldn’t read this if you do too.]

E

veryone knows that the tale of Harry Potter begins with death, as Voldemort slays Lily and James Potter. But not everyone knows that the tale ends with death as well, as I killed myself after being overwhelmed by the extreme self-loathing I felt after reading the Harry Potter books. Just kidding! I liked Harry Potter alright, and I also have generally high self-esteem. The death that ends the series is the death of Voldemort, who accidentally kills himself with the old Avada Kevadra killing curse (rookie mistake), and that pretty much brings the story full circle. But in the middle of it all, Harry lives a life where he is constantly surrounded by death, as he witnesses the deaths of his godfather, Sirius Black, and even his owl, Hedwig. The most astonishing and intriguing fatality in the series, however, is the death of the noble and kind Albus Dumbledore.

I’m not going to go too in depth into Harry Potter, because I can’t. I’ve only had a passing relationship with the series, and I actually only read the last two books, but as a huge pop culture phenomenon it has creeped its way into my life in a few different ways. You could say I’ve had a pretty

weird relationship with Harry Potter… a pretty weird sexual relationship! Haha, not really, just another silly joke to ease you into what is sure to be a serious article about a serious subject, from this point forward.

I acted out a scene from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone in a Theatre 113 class here at CSULB. We reenacted the scene where Harry met Hermione and Ron for the first time during their train ride to Hogwarts. Harry and Ron were played by two girls (in our version, not the film version), and I took the role of Hermione, because our group was radical like that.

We had wands (Just props, not real wands. Geez, I feel like you should understand this already, and me having to clarify simple things to you dummies is getting pretty annoying.), and I got to cast an “occulus repairo” spell on Harry’s face. I had a dual role and also acted as the lady who pushes the candy trolley around and asks Harry and Ron, “Anything off the trolley, dears?” in a sweet and caring British nanny-like voice. Don’t ask me to do my sweet British-lady voice. But I digress. No one even dies in that train scene.

In high school, I remember jerks trying to upset Harry Potter fans by spoiling the death of Dumbledore. “Snape kills Dumbledore!” was a common Myspace post, and a general source of internet

douche-baggery. This upset me, not even because I cared about Harry Potter at the time, but because I hate spoilers. I mean, I was kind of upset when I read the Union Weekly’s review of Rango and it revealed that Rango lives at the end of the movie.

Still, even after hearing about the death of Dumbledore, I decided to start reading the books. It turns out that Dumbledore wanted Snape to kill him! Now, if one of the Union editors casts an Avada Kedavra curse on Editor-in-Chief Kevin O’Brien,

I’m going to believe that it’s exactly what Kevin wanted, and just a part of one of his grand schemes.

Now that you’ve come to the end of my article, I’m sure you have learned a lot. But important questions remain: Is all this death in a series of novels made for children healthy for the children who read it? Doesn’t all this godforsaken witchcraft and wizardry go against God? The answers are, yes, it is perfectly healthy, and no, God actually loves magic.

CB: You want to know when I knew my time was up—when I just gave up?

DP: Yeah, I mean, no. I wasn’t going to put it that way.

CB: Listen, kid, you can’t offend the dead.

I think that’s why it would be a great thing if everyone were dead, because then no one would become offended.

DP: Interesting observation— CB: Okay, I’ll tell you when I decided to give up. It was on a day that “I got up and walked out of / the bedroom and out of the / house and I began walking / down the street and I / turned the corner at twenty- / first street and I walked / down twenty-first street / and I kept walking and / walking past / hedges and driveways and / houses and there / were men mowing and watering / their lawns, and there were / dogs barking, and there was / nothing else to do, there was / absolutely nothing else for me to / do.”

DP: It sounds like it was a peaceful ending.

CB: It was. What, do you think a demise has to be full of bitter regret and shit like that?

DP: No, I just— CB: Don’t believe what others have to say.

Even the afterlife is not that bad. Hell has been given a bad reputation.

DP: Hell?

CB: Yeah. C’mon, you don’t think the guy with the big pants would let me in to heaven…”

DP: Yeah, I guess not.

CB: But it’s not that bad. Hemingway and I go on blind dates all the time. We try to bring Carver along but he’s too busy trying to nail some bitch, I tend to forget her name. Wait… Wait. It’ll come to me… Oh yeah, her name is Emily Dickinson.

DP: Ah-ha. I wouldn’t blame him. I mean, have you read her poem “Because I Could Not Stop For Death?”

CB: She fucking writes poetry?

DP: She’s a writer, well… was. Hm, moving on… So what else do you and Hemingway do down there in hell?

CB: Hemingway and I usually end up at the bars where we drink “the devils drink from the breast / of stunned maids.”

As he says this last comment he drinks the rest of the bottle of vodka (without offering me any). His cigarette is long gone, and then with a blink of an eye our interview is over.

A GRAVE INTERVIEW GABBING WITH A GHOSTLY BOOOOOKOWSKI DANIEL PEREZ UNION STAFFER

Alone, I sit in a San Pedro graveyard waiting for Henry Charles Bukowski Jr. The headstone reads “Don’t Try,” but, Mr. Bukowski, I will try. It was always a dream of mine to interview my favorite deceased writer, resurrect him from the dead and make him give one final interview. I don’t know how the nice people at the Union pulled it off, maybe they know God herself, but I will interview Bukowski tonight.

There is no smoke and mirrors with Bukowski; everything he says is straightforward. It doesn’t surprise me that he comes crawling out of his grave with a bottle of vodka and a cigarette.

“Are you going to help me out, or are you just going to fucking stare at me?” he says.

I set up two beach chairs next to his tombstone. Our interview begins.

Daniel Perez: I guess I should start with a generic question, just to get the ball rolling— Charles Bukowski: My balls are so old that the only way I can get around is by having them roll on the floor with me… How’s that for getting the ball rolling?

DP: Hm… yeah, that works. Okay, my first question is: do you have any advice for UNION WEEKLY

18 APRIL 2011

writers, like myself, who are at the starting line of this path of no return?

CB: Do you know that feeling you get when the hemorrhoids of your ass touch the cold, white porcelain of your toilet?

DP: No, I’m sorry I’m not familiar— CB: How about pissing in the wind?

DP: I’m familiar with that term.

CB: Not the term… have you ever actually pissed in the wind?

DP: No, I haven’t.

CB: Then I have no advice for young writers like yourself. Actually, my advice is to kill yourself. It is only when you’re dead that your writing becomes recognized.

DP: Is that so?

CB: Yeah, “most writers I know now / only praise safely / dead writers.”

DP: I guess you could say that was particularly the case with you and your work.

CB: For the most part, yes, “and to those who are quick to praise me / then, I say it now: fuck / you.”

DP: I know you died because of health issues that might have been avoidable— CB: I know what you’re getting at.

DP:…

POOP SANDWICH

LISA VAN WIJK

COMICS

UNION STAFFER

UNION WEEKLY

18 APRIL 2011

Disclaimer:

This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email any questions, concerns, humor, to jeffbridges.grun@gmail.com, then go to hell.

COMEDY!!!

EDITIO

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Volume 68 Issue 11

Facebook, Can You Not List Me as “Dead and Gay” Anymore?

BY JEFF BRIDGES, ACTOR April Fools’ just happened, and I guess it’s a new thing now for websites on the internet on computers to have their own April Fools’ pranks.

The sites usually prank their visitors by making the site terrible for the whole day. I love a good joke, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy when sites get to loosen up a little bit and have some fun, and I like pranks. I even stuck a tiny piece of cilantro to my friend once, and it’s still stuck to him and probably will be until his dies. Then me and his family can have a good laugh at his funeral about this lifelong prank (the best kind of prank).

So as you can see, I love pranks. I go apeshit for pranks. But this is going too far. After April Fools’ day, my status has been listed as “Dead and Gay” on Facebook, and it has not yet reverted back. Facebook has caused me and my family a great deal of grief. For example when my status changed, I wrote it off as a prank and

went about my day. However, the longer it stayed, the more I began to worry that I was actually, truly, dead and gay. Of course, there is no problem with a man choosing to come out as gay, however, as a Bisensual individual, it caused me a great deal of confusion. Did I die and then become a gay ghost?

Did I become gay and then die? Can ghosts even be gay?

These are just some of the questions I asked myself. I began to question that I was even alive. It was horrible.

As I walked down the street, I began to notice no one was looking at me. “Oh no...” I thought. “What if it’s true?

Can anyone see me?” Turns out they were averting their eyes because I was shirtless, but how was I supposed to know that? Also, I just want to say that my parents were very worried during this whole period.

So please, I implore you.

Do not give Facebook your business. Do not support this horrible prank. P.S. If this shows up as just a ghostly blank article please email me. I’m still very worried.

Monday, April 18th, 2011

LBUNION.COM

High-Heeled Skechers Shape-Ups Cause Unprecedented Death Toll

BY EGBERT CROMWELL, Ph.D. Skechers High Heel Shape-ups have been making waves for a couple very different reasons. On one hand, their intuitive blend of footwear fashions helps make the wearer’s legs look long and slender, while at the same time finely toning their buttocks.

On the other hand, they have been linked to growing health problems, including plantar fasciitis, foot bunions, degenerative spine, and buried at the bottom of this list for some reason, an unprecedented amount of deaths.

I guess that’s kind of the big one. Because of the unwieldy nature of the shoes, deaths by falling are at an alltime high. There have been recorded instances of wearers’ butts becoming too toned and exploding, and ankles being launched into wearers’ brains.

Wayne Gretzky and Joe Montana have distanced themselves as Skechers Shape-ups sponsors. Kim Kardashian, conversely, has tripled her sponsoring of the shoes, and a little like the Grinch’s heart, her butt, originally three sizes too big, has grown ten sizes larger. The shoes really do make absolutely anyone who wears them look pretty sexy, and debate has been raging as to what cost beauty is worth.

Bodies with exploded butts are beginning to pile up in Foot Lockers all around the world, spilling out into the

Just a small sample of the shocking amount of death that Skechers’ “High-Heeled Shape-Ups” have caused. The reason their shoes do not look like high heels or like Skechers is because shut up.

streets, splashing blood on the faces of everyone passing by. “The blood is refreshing and all, but the death and disease is a little troubling,” one pedestrian said.

Debating the issue today, EditorIn-Chief of Fashion Rage magazine, Coco Denver, and some other guy: CROSSPOINT COUNTER-POINT Coco Denver: Skechers High Heeled Shape-ups have become the hottest and most talked about fashion trend today. And for good reason!

These shoes are H-O-T, hot!

Other Guy: But people are dying

all around us!

CD: You know what they say, “Bad publicity is good publicity.”

OG: No. Nobody says that.

CD: You have to admit, it beats going to the gym. Am I right? Drop the personal trainer and get these shoes!

OG: At most, Skechers high heeled shape-ups should be used sparingly.

I mean, sure, maybe beauty pageants and pornos should be filled with the sexiest ladies around.

CD: Wrong. The entire world should be sexy ladies.

OG: The entire world?

CD: Yes.

INSIDE

No One In The Entire World Wants To Play Solitaire With Me

BREAKING: Local Youth Wears Pajamas Backwards

I had just finished microwaving my nightly half-Hot Pocket when I decided to spend Saturday night in a rousing game of internet solitaire. I put on some Marvin Gaye and settled down in front of my computer for a little seat boogie.

I was waiting through four songs and an episode of Gray’s Anatomy, but nobody would accept my offer for a game. Even people in Rwanda have access to the internet but nobody there or anywhere else would play solitaire with me. Maybe next week I’ll try Go Fish.

Talk about solitaire confinement!!! Kill me. page LM

Local youths spotted youngster Stevie Belset with pajamas on backwards last Saturday. After being stolen, Stevie’s diary has released the following statement: “So don’t tell anybody, alright? Okay, so the other day I woke up thinking it was going to be a normal morning, but I looked down and realized I had slept the whole night with my PJs on backwards. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t believe it. My face was probably red as a fish. I mean no one saw me or anything, but it was still super embarrassing.

I didn’t tell Mom either. She probably would have stuck clothes pins on my ears and squirted horseradish up my nostrils like she usually does when I do bad things.” page PJ

Grunion Game: Find Me On Google Maps!!!

HINT: I’m in a litter box

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