THE GAUNTLET 2010 EDITO RS V S. STAFF SIMONE HARRISON OPINIONS EDITOR
ANDY KNEIS
Photos
MANAGING EDITOR
I
CLAY COOPER MANAGING EDITOR
don’t know how many of you big city commuter types can relate, but this feature comes to you from a small, isolated town called Moraga in the Bay Area of northern California. Let me try to paint the picture for you. There’s cows, hills, and everyone knows everyone else’s business. You have to go two towns over just to get on a freeway, and the only social spot to hang out was the Safeway (or “Vons” if you want to be an asshole about it) parking lot ever since they demolished the bowling alley for not being handicap accessible. There, picture painted. Life was tough for me and my friends. We weren’t old enough to drive, we weren’t cool enough to have girlfriends, and we hadn’t figured out how to use alcohol yet. For a while we’d fight boredom by pointing to a hill on the horizon and then walking there. We decided to stop after something awful happened every time we did our Point-and-Walks. Mostly to me. Just a word of warning: when you’re out in the wilderness, in an animal’s turf, they do not back down like you think they might. Wild turkeys will fly at your head with their talons outstretched, and cows will charge. As much as I love near-death experiences miles away from the nearest accessible road, we decided we needed a new way to pass the time. One day we found my friend’s mom’s back massager. We immediately discovered that turning it up all the way and putting it on your head felt like getting rapidly punched. We’d have contests to see who could last the longest with the punching machine. Eventually we started adding new events, and the Gauntlet was born. We competed in anything you could think of, from strength tests, to singing range, to pissing, all to see who was the ultimate competitor. Traditionally, every match began with everyone in the group peeing. Then, somewhere in the middle we’d have a soda chug contest, and then at the end we’d all piss into cups and compare them to see who had the most piss for the final event. At the end of the Gauntlet, we were all rewarded with the opportunity to put our piss cups in a line across a busy street and watch cars run over the cups and get piss all over their tires like idiots. The Gauntlet is so much fun, it’s caught on in the Union office, and we decided to adapt it for the ultimate Editors vs. Staffers showdown. Spoiler Alter: the editors literally ground the staffers’ disgusting asses into a fine paste. We condensed the original Gauntlet’s many events into six grueling tests for the body and mind. The top competitor in each event earned a point for their team. Enough back-story, let’s go to our field reporter (me, because everyone else is a lazy piece of shit) for a rundown on the fun. Joke Idea: “If you Gauntlet, flaunt it.” UNION WEEKLY
27 SEPTEMBER 2010
EVENT ONE
S TRENG TH: WEIGHT T OSS For the first event, we decided to test our staff ’s ability to throw a medicine ball the farthest. We saw a lot of different techniques and a bunch of pathetic throws that flaccidly landed at the weak-ass thrower’s feet, showing how unprepared the competitors were for the ultimate challenge that lay before them. Staffer Mike T. aka Mikey T. won the weight toss in overtime against me, earning a point for his team. The jury is still out on whether he kept his feet stationary when throwing or whether he used some kind of black magic to throw farther than me, which is specifically against the rules. A rough start for the Editors team, but the early loss was what we needed to put a fire under our balls and compete for real. “Time to try,” I said.