Plumber Butts Beware: Passive Agressive Predator on Campus BY TROJAN WHORSE
Manuel Birtcham (above right, probably just looking for attention) and Mr. Nigel Woodworthington (above left, feline) pose for their last photograph together.
Local Depressive to Give the Greatest Gift of All: Life Insurance BY GAELIC FORESKYNE TAMPA, FLORIDA—It was announced early last night that local depressive, Manuel Bircham, age 24, would be giving his family the greatest gift of all, his life insurance policy. “You know, after a long session of listening to Elliot Smith, I decided that it would make the most sense for us—for all of us—if I just gave my family my life insurance pay-off. The biggest factor in my decision was me paying off the last of my credit card debt. I mean digging another hole this holiday season just seems real irresponsible.” “Oh yeah, we get lots of folks like him around the holidays,” says Manuel’s insurance broker, Carter Elwray, “There’s something about all of this holiday cheer and goodwill towards man that really puts these types into a bad mood.” Elwray has been the life insurance provider for Bircham since the young depressive formed a postpunk band in college. “Yeah, [college] was definitely the first time I started putting work into my big plan.” “This is a boom season for us,” professional crime scene cleaner Lee Atriedes said. “And you don’t get the gooification problems in the winter that you do in the summer. But, I don’t have to tell you about the gooification problems!” Atriedes gave us a brief tour
of his workshop, showing us various tools, including his steam cleaner and his brand new corpse-scraping shovel. “This thing’ll scrape a corpse right off of just about anything. Except shag carpet. There’s just something about shag.” “My original plan was to throw myself in front of the crowd gathered in front of Macy’s on Black Friday, but apparently there was even a waiting line for that,” Manuel said while testing a length of industrial grade twine, “I mean, I’m chronically depressed. I’m not a sap.” “As a mother, at first I was apprehensive of Manny’s decision to give us the proceeds of this insurance policy for Christmas,” Manuel’s mother Bethany Helstromm (she remarried in 2006) age 49, said, “But then I realized that this was what he wanted to do with his life. And I have to support my son in whatever path he chooses. What else are mothers for?” “I went through a phase for a while where I was completely anti-Christmas, anti-consumerism, but then I realized something. I realized that the holidays weren’t about me,” Manuel told this reporter as he put another revolver into a pillow case, “The holidays are about other people and helping them out in any way that you can. I know that now.” Manuel then proceeded to check whether or not his stove could do the job. As it turned out, it was electric.
A new predator has graced this campus with it’s unforeseeable presence. Offenses have been carried out in a contrary manner and even so bold as to be committed in broad daylight. This deviant has little to no standard M.O. and seems to operate outside of social norms. His presence is very real. The assailant has been seen running on foot with a cat-like agility, approaching his target wielding a paper of questionable journalistic integrity. He strikes quickly with an almost ninja-like agility. He seems to have no preference regarding victim’s gender and is more compelled to execute his mildly disruptive attacks, by provocation of the victim’s exposed rear. His first attack, on November 12, 2008, was witnessed by many students. Some are still dealing with the images they were subjected to, but assuredly less so than the victim who remains anonymous and has so far not come forward. The predator was reportedly seen running with extreme stealth across the grass between the LA2 and LA3 buildings. He approached the sleeping subject quickly and with noted determination smacked them upon the ass, his weapon of choice a crumbled 49er newspaper. He proceeded to run in an awkward and suspicious manner away from the now awake student after brazenly committing the crime. Other students and witnesses were shocked by the incident and reportedly did not have enough time to react and save their fellow student from the attack. Sending a contrary message, this reporter totally saw them laughing at the victim’s expense. [Editor’s Note: Reports are still inconsistent and do not allow for the media to make judgments regarding the volatile nature and possible political implications of what is clearly a deranged man, but would like to advise the student body to take precautions. Students are advised to choose their place of slumber carefully, to avoid locations of previous attacks, to wear tight-fitting pants and perhaps a belt, but above all, resist the urge to wear crack-revealing garments so as not to provoke an attack unexpectedly. It is a time where support and vigilance of others’ exposed coin slots is necessary. Thank you.]
Bitter Automotive Executives Carpool to Senate Hearings
Local Black Family Moves to Bixby Knolls
Scientists Discern “Moist” to be Grossest Word in English Language
In light of the current economic crisis, leading leaders of the automotive industry bitterly carpooled to their Senate hearings last week. Although the hearings could mean life or death for some of the companies, cramped seating arrangements prevented the executives from considering their plight. “It just sucks,” says GM Chairman Wagoner. “Bill Ford called shotgun before we could even see the damn car.” PAGE C4
The predominantly white residents of Bixby Knolls were stunned yesterday when local blacks James and Cynthia Hill and their son William moved literally one house away on either side of whites. “Well, I’m just shocked, is all,” says local white Jane Wieber. “I never thought I’d see the day. And they’re so young and successful!” Reports that the Hills are almost just like whites residents of Bixby Knolls stunned some PAGE J5
Shocking news for the scientific community of literature today, as a groundbreaking report issued by Dr. Werner Klappt of the University of California, Los Angeles reveals that decades of research had determined “moist” to be the grossest word in the English language. “There were some strong contenders,” says Klappt. “At first, we were strongly leaning towards “cunt,” but PAGE S3
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December 8st, 2008