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[Issue 61.5] “Taser this... Fuck Bush.”


-The Rocky Mountain Collegian editorial board

ecently, at Colorado State University, The Rocky Mountain Collegian newspaper decided to use a couple of four-letter words (in sixty-point font) that always seem to get people’s attention: “Fuck,” and “Bush.” The headline (which was the entire article) read, “Taser This... Fuck Bush.” During the last week, the Collegian has come under heavy scrutiny from across the country. Right-wing conservatives have asked for heads to roll, ex-patriots have suggested retaliation, advertisers have pulled thousands of their dollars from the paper, and various forms of media, some being print, have dubbed the Collegian’s actions as irresponsible journalism. On the other hand, you have everyone from raging liberals to practicing journalists praising the paper for pushing the boundaries of free speech, as well as CSU students saying, “So what? It’s how we all feel anyway,” and with only four words, it filled up an entire page of opinions... I’m just sayin’. My initial reaction to this was one of praise, not only for the Collegian as a paper for having the balls to print something which most college students think but fear saying, but also for shedding some much needed light on Andrew Meyers’ tasering at the University of Florida (which actually ended up being more of a hoax than a direct attack on Meyers’ freedom of speech). It’s funny, because I never thought I would have to make a distinction between being a journalist, and being an Editor-in-Chief of a college newspaper. But the more I thought about the Collegian Editor-in-Chief, David McSwane’s decision to print this, the more I started thinking of the implications and inevitable repercussions for the “Fuck Bush” article, and the more I disagreed with his decision. Allow me to explain before you call me a hypocrite and point me to our very own back page. I’m a huge “pro/con” guy, so let’s do the math. Pros: saying something that they (the Collegian) felt needed to be said, bringing the issue of free speech to the forefront, putting the Collegian in the national spotlight, filling a page

of opinions. Cons: severe backlash, thousands of dollars in lost revenue, possibly losing his job as Editor-in-Chief, losing readers, putting his staff in harm’s way, and dividing his staff between those who did and didn’t want to print it. I’m sure there are more issues I haven’t thought of, but those are the ones that instantly popped into my mind. Call me crazy, but I assume my greatest responsibility during my time as E.I.C. of this paper is to protect and better the Union as a whole. The reason why I don’t agree with McSwane’s decision is simply because in my mind, the pros do not outweigh the cons. His paper isn’t in a better place because of the article, on the contrary, the Collegian now faces an uphill battle to regain much needed funding and possibly the extremely difficult task of finding a replacement for himself as E.I.C. if things go south. “The Editorial Board felt very strongly that it’s time college students, especially CSU students, start talking about issues,” he said. “We’re zealots for freedom of speech and we felt that after Andrew Meyers on the University of Florida campus was pulled from his mic and abused … that we started getting people to talk.” That’s all fine and good Mr. McSwane, but “Fuck Bush,” was as creative and intelligent a statement as you could come up with? I mean, “fuck” is a strong word, and it definitely serves a purpose in the English language, but I just don’t think it was that clever. Maybe if you printed something like, “Fuck John Kerry,” it would have made some sense. It is actually a little bit more clever if you understand that Andrew Meyers was actually tasered by Kerry’s security people. We push the boundaries of free speech every single week here at the Union, but I like to Greg think it is clever, and serves a very important service as satire. “Fuck Bush,” in my opinion isn’t funny, clever, interesting, or original, it was just a lazy attempt to fill some space and push the boundaries of freedom of speech. –Ryan Kobane


Dino of the Week

October Horoscopes By Tessah Schoenrock & Ynez Tongson

ARIES March 21-April 19

On the 20th, you will miss both the Off-Campus and the West Express shuttle buses, only to be fortuitously picked up by a friend on his way to campus. This is where your luck ends, however, because you end up late to class anyway when your saviour talks you into a quick “sesh” (of skateboarding, obviously) before class. When you slide into your seat fifteen minutes late you realize that you have an oral presentation today and you forgot all your notes.

TAURUS April 20-May 20

This is your month to go wild and crazy. Try something new—like freight hopping! You can get a stick and rucksack, and keep emergency bottles of Thunderbird and packets of Pall Malls to barter with your new friends. Two bottles and you won’t have to sleep in the pig car.

First of all, happy birthday! You will most likely spend yours face-down in a pile of vomit, having your picture taken for Vice Magazine’s “Dos and Don’ts” style column.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 21

Better keep an eye on those birth control pills this month, Scorpio. I mean, I’m not saying anything, but better safe than sorry, right? While I’m on the subject, you might want to limit yourself to four drinks on Saturday the 13th.


You spend most of these crisp October nights doing various dirty things in piles of autumn leaves with a hot coed. Oh, wait—that’s me! You’re in the dorms, lying on a pile of dirty socks and skidmarked Fruit of the Looms....with your R.A. Happy Halloween!

You will take an Educational Leave this month to go on a spiritual undertaking to the mountains in Tibet, but you return in three days when you find out that most Tibetans don’t take American Express. You spend the money you saved from your summer job at Hot Dog on a Stick and blow it on a subscription to Us Weekly, daily Chipotle burritos, six thirty-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon. You put the rest of the money in one of Brad and Angelina’s charities for malnourished children, forever freeing you from any socio-political, moral, or spiritual obligation.

CANCER June 22-July 22

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19

GEMINI May 21-June 21

You will learn what it is to be alive this month. You will travel to the top of a mountain with six holy mystics, and have a spiritual epiphany with Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. You will reunite with your spirit and power animals, and return to your home twelve hours later, scratched and dirty with a bit of poo on your elbow and the realization that you have been tripping on acid all day and really just walked to upper campus with your friends.

LEO July 23-Aug 22

Livers are evil and deserve to be punished. Did you know that livers are powered by love? Whenever a liver uses its powers, love is sucked out of the universe. The death beam from one liver causes the divorce rate to rise by 2%.

VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22


LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 23

You spend every night in the third week of October staying up playing endless games of beer pong in a lame attempt to prove your skills to a neighbor girl who probably doesn’t give a shit in the first place. Beyond all probability, this works and you two will be dating by the end of the month.

You astonish friends and family by hosting a kick ass autumn barbeque this month, complete with homemade cornbread, okra, and the best “secret sauce” they have ever had. I would recommend tipping 20%, and be sure to thank the kind folks at Boston Market for giving you that family discount, you sneaky son of a bitch.

AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18

Call your mother as soon as you read this. Due to an unfortunate drunken prank call by a close friend, she now believes you to be in Mexico, picking up two grams of various illegal pharmaceuticals to smuggle across the border with your new “boy toy” named Eduardo.

Ryan Kobane Editor-in-Chief Erin Hickey Managing Editor Michael Pallotta Matt Dupree Associate Editors Ryan Kobane Business Manager

Vincent Girimonte News Director Kathy Miranda Opinion Editor Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor Victor Camba Comics Editor Katie Reinman Creative Arts Editor Michaël Veremans Random Reviews Editor Earl Grey Grunion Editor Philip Vargas Literature Editor & PR Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Sean Boulger Music Editor & PR Ryan Kobane Photography Director Steven Carey Feature Editor Erin Hickey Michael Pallotta Copy Editors Vincent Girimonte Advertising Representative Steven Carey Graphic Design Chris Barrett Internet Caregiver

Philip Vargas On-Campus Distribution Vincent Girimonte Off-Campus Distribution Chris Barrett, Andrew Wilson, Darren Davis, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Derek Crossley, Dominic McDonald, Christopher Troutman, Jason Oppliger, Cynthia Romanowski, James Kislingbury, Rachel Rufrano, Tessah Schoenrock, Ynez Tongson, Danielle Slakoff, Mark Duenas, Christina Duenas, Sergio Ascencio, Brandi Perez, Robert Masucci, Allen Steiner, Ashley Marie Weis, Leslie Stanton.


Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

PISCES Feb 19-March 20

You finally see the light at the end of the tunnel this month, Pisces. Walk toward it and you will begin to feel full with the promise of change. Unfortunately, that light is coming from the refrigerator. It’s three in the morning, you are sleepwalking, and that “change” you’re looking for is coming from the new flavor of Ben & Jerry’s you bought the night before to drown your sorrows in.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Questions? Comments? 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 Phone 562.985.4867 Fax 562.985.5684 E-mail Web Mail

1 October 2007


The Lost Art of Being a Human Being

Kerouac Has Nothing on This Road By Derek Crossley Union Staffer

By Sean Boulger

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

to voice this concern is because I feel that it is a reflection of my generation’s inability to enjoy anything than immediate gratification. he other day, as I innocently logged onto my Facebook From AOL Instant Messenger to discussing aspects of art and culture account, I was very rudely (though not through a social networking website, it seems that unexpectedly) informed that I had we simply cannot bear to experience any other been bitten. Not only did someone have type of connection than the ones that are the audacity to actually go ahead and immediately gratifying—no matter what “To be honest, I use Facebook a lot. It’s a bite me (electronically, no less), but that means for the long-term. great tool for keeping and staying in touch this was a person I had never even So what are the consequences of with your friends. It also allows us to be met before. Perhaps I’m to blame for all the things I’ve pointed out? Is updated on what our friends are doing.” this, as I have been known to accept my generation one filled with angry, random friend requests on Facebook stupid youths who don’t know how -Binh, 20, Business from people I’ve never met before. to interact? Surely the very nature of Nevertheless, as I ignored both the human beings hasn’t undergone some sort electronic “bite,” and the invitation to “start of radical change? So then why is it that biting chumps,” As I clicked the “ignore” button, people can’t seem to wait for legitimate my mind presented me with a thought that was as jarring as it connections to be established? Doesn’t was daunting: a question that wouldn’t let me rest until it had been anybody remember what it’s like to actually be a human being? answered: “What the fuck does this mean?” We seem to exist in a culture where everyone has forgotten what It was at this point that I decided to it means to reach out and touch someone. To look go about exploring peoples’ Facebook across a table at someone, over a plate of food, pages. In ways that I can’t even begin and laugh because their eye movements to understand, much less find amusing, or hand gestures have enriched the “I am a frequent user of Myspace and I Facebook has become vastly more funny story they’re telling. To sit with believe that each website has their own involved than Myspace. People can someone on some grass and talk useful purpose. Yes, it brings drama, and “share drinks” with each other, turn about a movie that you recently saw, yes, we can easily become occupied with each other into zombies or werewolves, or a book you read the other day. To pictures and comments, but if used wisely, poke each other, and I think I saw an make eye contact. it can be fun and especially entertaining.“ application that lets you take a virtual I urge you, log off Facebook. Turn dump on your buddy’s chest if you feel off your computer. Go talk to someone. -Carla Empeno, 20, Nursing so inclined. As I made my way about the Sit across from your boyfriend or girlfriend Internet, I saw application after application, next time you eat dinner together. Watch your and was eventually smacked in the face with the significant other’s eyes as you listen to the story you’re horrifying realization that this kind of bullshit is actually beginning being told. Pay attention to hand movements, facial expressions, to take the place of real human interaction. and drink in the actual connection that you’re making with another Facebook is everything now. Not only can participants human being. Next time you want to “bite” or “poke” “bite” each other and “pass each other drinks,” or perform some other sort of ridiculously among other stupid activities, but now, people meaningless verb on someone over the can share their interests as far as movies, Internet, call that person up and go “I use internet networking sites but I try books, and music, and other avenues of eat some food together. Or go watch a not to get sucked in. It’s really easy to culture are concerned, by way of posting movie together. Or just go to a park and base your whole life on a website. You can reviews, taking surveys, and editing just talk for a little bit. Talk about Jimi ultimately lose sense of reality. It’s great applications that showcase tastes in the Hendrix. Talk about The Untouchables. for opportunities, but you just have to be aforementioned art forms. Now don’t Talk about Chuck Palahniuk. Talk about careful.” get me wrong, this is all well and good. anything—just talk about something. My problem is that it seems to be taking You, as you’re reading this, are surrounded -Israel, 21, Kinesiology the place of real interaction. I’m talking about by hundreds and thousands of human intellectually stimulating human discussion. Why beings. People talk endlessly, prattling on would anybody want to review a movie, solely for the purpose of and on, only being heard through tubes, wires, and microphones… posting it on Facebook? Why not call up (or better yet meet) a friend, but Charlie Kaufman put it best when he wrote that “constantly and discuss it in person? talking isn’t necessarily communicating.” Maybe this makes me look like an angry 20-year-old bent on Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ crapping all over the latest Internet trend. The only reason I bother Or comment online at


1 October 2007

Music Editor

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

So, there we were on our second, or was it our third, West Coast tour. Either way, it was two bands wedged into an old, black van with a giant grizzly bear spray-painted on the side. We played in a few decent sized clubs, a couple basements and were on our way up to Tacoma, Washington, to try to blow out the windows in the house we were going to play in. We liked to play loud, so loud that it was no longer music, it was a giant headache covered by screams. And it was amazing. Watching kids shout the words we wrote back at us. Watching their energy rise and explode. Their young bodies sweated. They screamed till their throats were dry. They bounced off walls and hit each other in the face. And when we screamed through aching larynxes, “This world is fucked up. I’m walking proof,” they all chanted along. They knew exactly what we meant, because we were young, we were proud, and we were going to save the world. But if I’ve learned anything, I know that everything always goes wrong; but it’s always a lot more fun that way. So, we were in the van a block from the venue when our grizzly was killed, murdered. Well, to be completely honest, it blew up. The hood flew up; flames and smoke billowed out like a factory fire. We stopped and jumped out. The fire dissipated and we ended up pushing the van to the house where we were supposed to play. We got there to a few truckloads of sympathy. We played and everyone bought a shirt, CD, or tape. They pitied us. And we spent the night at the kid’s house, trying to find a way home. (This is where I met the girl that was the star of Call Me A Prostitute from last year’s column). So after I flirted way too much with the girl that was dating the guy who let us crash with him, we decided to rent a truck to take us home. No, it was not a van, or a car, or a normal truck; it was a moving truck. Yes, the giant kind. That’s all they had. So, the next morning we put three people up front and the rest of us in the back. We felt like Roal Dahl’s oversizedpeaches inside this gigantic tin can. We had no light, no heat or air-conditioning. We were in the dark, pitch black, careening over potholes and smashing our heads against the quaking floor. But that wasn’t the worst part. Through Washington and Oregon it was freezing and our breath condensed on the walls. We had to snuggle all eight of our bodies together to stay warm. But when we crossed into California it began to get warm, then hot, then we reached hell shoved inside an oven. All our coughing and breath began to rain down on us, in large disgusting drops. We sweated and burned ourselves against the walls and floor. Eventually, I ended up naked and alone in the back of the truck; dancing in light-deprived insanity, screaming New Found Glory lyrics at the top of my lungs. I slammed my body against the walls till I had wide burns across my chest. And twenty-four hours later I was home, showering the sweat, saliva, and breath of all my friends off of me, counting the days till we could go out and do it again. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ Or comment online at




Burnt Orange vs. Undercooked White

By Vincent Girimonte

By Darren Davis

Aspiring Mr. Rogers

Parking Space Bandit

I’m not willing to split hairs here, Darren. We need a tanning salon in the same I have never understood the concept of tanning salons, at least not in sunny way your mother needs to put less sex in her humble pie: desperately, Darren. Southern California. Those born and raised here have melanoma by default. As a person of fair and milky skin, I feel somewhat obligated to defend the If anything, they seem like there would be reserved people like Vince: ASI’s recent leasing of the former Music Listening Lounge (how fucking dare those who are stricken with the ol’ Polish pigment and somehow grow they) to some new businesses, one of them being a tanning salon intent on more transparent the longer they spend in the sun, attempting to distract making our campus a more profound tint of orange. Incidentally, it will from their mournful complexion with loud-colored cardigans. Yet, I be the campus’ second provider of cancer following in the footsteps of the associate tanning booths with orange, sad-eyed girls in jean skirts and convenience store vending cigarettes. platform sandals, burnt to a crisp and dragging their over-masculine, We often talk about community and how much we long for it here over-denim shorted boyfriends with them in a pathetic attempt to spend at CSULB, this only further confuses me when I hear students and ASI quality time together and combine hues. employees lambaste the on-campus tanning location. If we really want Cal State Long Beach is going to embarrass itself if it puts a tanning salon some continuity around here, then we should all look the same: crispy and where the Music Listening Lounge used to be. We are a campus that could, taught around the edges. I see no reason why a campus referred to as “The in the near future, be without a daily newspaper. We are a campus without Beach” should welcome any student who is powder-like and unwilling to change enough lighting in our massive parking lots to keep women from being preyed this repulsiveness. Get with it and get a tan. You’re part of a manufactured image on. We are a campus that has ‘beach’ in its name, for crissakes. Why then set upon convincing prospective students that we’re carefree, skilled at Ultimate are we going to spend money on something that will only benefit Sorority Frisbee, and promiscuous. Wouldn’t you just hate to be the piece of shit in our girls and certain members of the Union staff who not-so-secretly hope said chemically enhanced spa? I know I would. Sorority girls will confuse the Union office for the salon, which, after all, sits It’s no coincidence that the new tanning feature will be situated adjacent next door to where they want to build the monstrosity and would have a “Yes, to the esteemed offices of the Union Weekly. Collectively, and in honor of our we are definitely the tanning salon!” sign out in front. fashion ish, I’d like to think of our nook as the power-suit of the campus. We will While the confusion would be fun to watch, and I never said I wouldn’t groom you into the self-loathing, disgustingly witty, beautiful, and now perfectly want to fan a freshman girl with a giant leaf, her oiled body basking bronzed machine that your parents only dreamed you’d become when they on top of laid-out copies of last week’s issue, soaking in the pulsating Illustration By Andrew Wilson first dropped you off at the dorms. So after your tan, come in and let us talk light from our new IMAC, it would begin to get old when Sorority Susan sense at you. Never will you feel more superior to your fellow students. goes next door to the campus police and interrupts their video game sessions to report our well-mannered, gentlemanly harassment. And really, is there a better time to improve your image, ladies? The fact that What I am saying is if the tanning salon is built, the Union Weekly will be shut down this campus has a sexual assault tendency can be easily ignored, like you will be if you do not within three months. That is the long and the short of it. Then Dig might be the only print get with the fucking program. media on campus. We will be the college with a tanning salon and Dig. Think about that. Note: Having a tanning booth on this campus is an absolute insult to the integrity of this People! We don’t need a Starbucks in our library and we don’t need a place to fake-anduniversity. Any student set upon squeezing a tanning session between classes should be rebake. This is a college campus, not The Block at Orange. evaluated for stupidity and subsequently institutionalized. I hope this business fails miserably. Who Reigned Supreme? Last week’s winner on ‘Tupac: Dead or Alive’: Vincent Girimonte, Purebred Poodle

We Must Fight For Our Right To Lounge By Tessah Schoenrock Contributor Picture this: It’s 11 a.m. on one of those cold-as-shit days, perhaps in February, and you have a two-hour break between classes and need a nap to cure the hangover stemming from an ill-advised weekday drinking binge. “Where on earth should I curl up for an hour or so when it is so bitterly cold outside?” The library, perhaps? Oh wait— they replaced those old mildewy chairs for a Starbucks. There is no way you’re going to risk death by exposure by resting your laurels under a tree, so naturally you turn to what was up until recently the best-kept secret napping hotspot on campus—the music listening lounge. You excitedly book it to the student union, only to discover that it has been shut down permanently. Wait—what? Are you going insane? Are you residually drunk? My fellow readers, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your eyes are not deceiving you. The music listening lounge is indefinitely closed, and word on the street is that our beloved cave den is being replaced by a tanning salon and a bank. Personally, I’m outraged, and most of the people I’ve talked to seem to feel the same way. Caitie Rolls, a junior


art student, had this message for ASI: “I’m really glad that CSULB has decided to support skin cancer instead of musical discovery. Good going, guys.” Skin cancer advocation aside, my main question for Associated Students, Inc. is who the hell do they think is going to tan on campus? Call me crazy, but I can’t really picture students lining up for a fake n’ bake in between classes in a town where it’s sunny 90% of the time. They might tolerate this shit in Orange County, but here in Long Beach, the concept of an on-campus tanning salon is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Who are the assholes on the budget committee that approved this? I understand that in an endless cycle of budget crises our school needs to make money however we can, but a tanning salon is not necessarily my idea of a cash crop. We already have a nail/hair salon that is completely empty everytime I walk by. I’m sure there are more lucrative businesses to invest in, such as expanding the bookstore so students wouldn’t have to stand in that heinous earlysemester line to buy a binder or a CSULB shot glass. I know one thing I’d like to see on campus is a new “healthy alternative” snack shop so I don’t have to live off of seasoned fries from the Nugget or $2 ham and cheese sandwiches from the convenience stores.

More importantly, I always thought of the listening lounge as the place to get away from the commercialization on campus. It was decorated like the inside of a teenager’s bedroom in the nineties—complete with glow in the dark paint, black lights, and psychedelic felt posters. It was like a time warp, and that’s what I loved best about it. The fact that it’s being replaced by a tanning salon and a bank (two of the most obvious symbols of American consumerism) feels like a slap in the face. The reason I came to Long Beach in the first place was because the campus had this really laid-back vibe somewhere between the hippy-dippiness of UC Santa Cruz and the blonde surfer’s paradise that is UC Santa Barbara. In the three years that I have been a student here, I have seen this campus become more and more similar to a strip mall, and I think most people would agree that we have enough of those. As a result, I propose a call to arms: CSULB students, assemble! Make your frustrations known to the superiors in the ASI office, located directly across from the Union Weekly office. Let’s not take this standing up—fight for your right to lie down!

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ Or comment online at

1 October 2007


NEWS You Don’t Know

Cars Not Driving Sierra Brown By Vincent Girimonte


News Director

ome of us rise in the morning hoping to find the bathroom before finding our roommates naked across the living room floor. We do this, quickly get ready and then drive to school in hopes of not losing grips with our sanity while searching for a parking spot. Sierra Brown has an entirely different morning routine than both you and your naked roommate, and starting today (Monday), she plans on making you feel, useless, wasteful, and lazy for driving to class—not her real intention, but effectively the final result. The fourthyear grad student would simply be pleased to make you re-evaluate your life in transit. Alternatives to the morning gridlock? Plenty, according Brown, including the entirely feasible eleven-mile swim from her home in San Pedro. That’s only the tip of a very daunting iceberg, however. In addition, as part of her “Port-to-Class SuperCommute,” Brown will commute to class via bicycle, rollerblades, a long-board paddle, a run, an extreme Razor scooter adventure, and sailing; not to mention a mystery commute with even money on it being hanging from the paws of Falcor. Each commute will begin in San Pedro and end on the CSULB campus, hopefully before class begins. “The swim is probably going to be the most difficult,” said Brown just a few days before taking the plunge. “It’s across shipping lanes, and the water is pretty dirty,” she continued, also citing plastic bags as a possible hindrance. Damn those plastic bags. The eleven-mile aspect of the journey seemed to be the least of her worries.

1 October 2007

The idea for this string of bold commutes came to Brown last semester while riding her bike from San Pedro, the alternative from a two and a half-hour bus ride that required three transfers. She made it here in two hours, and felt good enough about it to conjure up several more methods of attending class sans the evil car. The Vincent Thomas Bridge, the most direct route from her residence, allows no pedestrian or bicycling traffic, forcing Brown to navigate through Wilmington and add several miles to her journey. “The Southern California metropolis is probably the worst place in the world for bicycling,” said Brown, something easy enough to gather while riding in a car. “We just don’t have the infrastructure to support pedestrians and bicycles.” She emphasized the fact that we’ve gone backwards, at least in Long Beach (in tune with the rest of the city), with public transportation, citing the fact that a trolley system did exist circa way back when. And most importantly: “the answer is not for everybody to drive a Prius.” Traffic is traffic. In the short term, the solution is simple according to Brown: “For a lot of people it’s actually possible for them to walk or ride a bike. A lot of people may only live a few miles away, and are still driving. By Illustration By Andrew Wilson the time they try and look for a parking spot, it’s actually faster.” If you’re a newly annointed Sierra Brown fan, make sure to greet her as she surfaces in the water adjacent to the Marina Pacifica mall late Monday evening. Or, wait here at school while she stays true to form and walks from the shore to her 7 pm class. In any case, visit her website at and rally behind a person working towards her goal in making this world a better place.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

But Should By Chris Barrett Union Science Guy

I Like To Spend Some Time in Mozambique Maputo Archbishop Francisco Chimoio, the head of the Catholic Church in Mozambique, has decreed that the church formally opposes any use of condoms, instead promoting marriage fidelity and abstinence. At a recent celebration of Mozambique’s 33rd year of independence, he revealed that he believes condoms and anti-retroviral drugs sent to Africa from two European countries are intentionally being infected with HIV. He declined to name which two countries he suspects, but he went on to claim “They want to finish the African people. This is the program. They want to colonize until up to now. If we are not careful we will finish in one century’s time.” His comments have outraged AIDS awareness activists who claim condoms have been extremely effective at slowing the spread of HIV while anti-retroviral drugs have been effective for treating people with AIDS despite there still being no cure. About 16.2% of Mozambique’s 19 million inhabitants are currently infected with AIDS while 500 more become infected every day. It is feared that the respect the people of Mozambique have for Archbishop Francisco Chimoio could result in them ceasing to use condoms and antiretroviral drugs which will only hasten the spread of HIV in the country. Questions? Comments?

Chris Barrett can be contacted at Or comment online at



Cologne O’ The Week

Driven, the musk of choice for all majorleague-homerun-recordsetting former Dirtbag rookies.

Tulowitzki Makes Mile-High Impact Former Dirtbag has been a major part of Colorado’s wildcard chances all season.

always been a passion. Baseball has become his addiction. He is a prisoner of the everyday grind, but he doesn’t want out. “My father taught me the game at a really young age,” Tulo says. “Once I picked up a bat and ball that’s all I ever wanted to do.” He says he will always remember draft day. But come on now, who wouldn’t? By Brandi Perez “It was one of the greatest days of my life,” Conflicted Padres Fan Tulo says. “I had a big party at my house. It ig Bird has made it to The Show—Mawas a special moment. Going into that day I jor League Baseball that is—with the was told I’d be one of the high picks but before help of former Dirtbag shortstop Troy that I had no idea.” Tulowitzki. Another thing Tulo didn’t realize was that The 22-year-old made his major league he would be playing against his heroes. The debut as the shortstop of the Colorado Rockrookie was a bit star-struck early on. But the ies this season, and his rookie year has turned sparkling lights have dimmed down and he’s out to be quite a smash. Part of the perks of realized the guys he’s facing are baseball playbeing a rookie: carrying around a designated ers just like him. stuffed animal, breaking records, setting new “It’s unreal growing up watching all these ones and being part of a winning club. Photo by Brandi Perez guys on TV,” Tulo says. “You’re fans of them Tulo, a 2005 first-round draft pick, is a It’s been a challenging yet successful transition from college to the pros for the 22-year- and it’s definitely amazing. For me it’s getcandidate for Rookie of the Year and currently old shortstop Tulowitzki, who set an NL rookie record with 23 dingers this season. ting normal. I’ve met them and played against holds several records. He has more RBIs than them. And I realized I can play with them.” any other rookie shortstop in the major leagues and his 23 tocol for shortstops. He’s proved they come in all different He said he felt prepared going into the majors because of home runs are the most ever by an NL rookie shortstop. sizes.” his time spent at Cal State Long Beach. The coaches mentally The seventh overall pick was drafted his junior year from Tulo says his favorite baseball figure is Yankees’ 6’3” short- trained him for long seasons. Even playing at Blair Field was Cal State Long Beach. He has been impressing players, coach- stop Derek Jeter. a key in preparation. es and fans every since he’s stepped into the spotlight. “He plays the game the right way,” Tulo says. “Just his pres“The infield, surface wise, is real similar to major league “I’ve learned so much more about him this season,” said ence. He’s someone that runs hard, always diving after balls.” parks,” Tulo says. “It’s one of the best fields you can play at.” Rockies manager Clint Hurdle. “He’s a winning player, he He has definitely taken some jokes for his open admiraplays with a lot of passion. He wakes up wanting to win.” tion. During the Yankees series in June, Tulo asked Jeter for t’s hard to get past the baseball uniform when it comes to his autograph. His teammates brought in bottles of Jeter’s coTulo. Sure, he loves going to the beach, body boarding and inning is something Tulo has been used to. He has logne, Driven, the next day and spritzed themselves with it. cruisin’ around in his Cadillac bumpin’ Jay-Z. But everything earned honors from Freshman All-American in 2003 The guys definitely got their money’s worth—they swept comes back to baseball. to first team all Big West and was even selected as the starting the Yankees. So when Tulo isn’t at the baseball field, he’s playing as shortstop for Team USA in 2004. Tulo said he took something “It was a big series for me,” he says. “I definitely played himself in a videogame. When he’s relaxing on the couch, he from each experience and transferred it to the majors. well. I think saying I got a home run off Roger Clemmens is snacks on—surprise—sunflower seeds. And when he’s home “[College] was probably three of the best years of my life,” cool. It was neat.” and can drink what ever he wants, what does he go for? Gatohe says. “I’ve learned a lot [at Long Beach] and learned from Tulo may be all smiles and giggles in the clubhouse but rade. He just can’t have enough of it. some of the best coaches around. Coach Weathers has a good once he steps foot on the field he puts on his game face. It’s a “If you look in my fridge you’ll see milk, water and Gatorapport with infielders. They play the game hard. It was a per- face that some find intimidating. He’s even caught his man- rade,” he says. “Even in the off-season I’ll find myself craving fect fit.” ager off-guard. it,” he said. The major leaguer hasn’t forgotten his roots. You can find “He has a game presence, a focus in his eyes that captivates Talk about taking your work home with you. But for Tulo, him helping out the Dirtbags during the off-season. me at times,” Hurdle says. “It’s almost a stare down. That’s one playing baseball isn’t work at all. He knows how many mil“I go back every season,” Tulo says. “The thing I enjoy of the things that continues to let us know we have something lions of people love baseball and want to live it. And he also most is going out to the field with the guys and teaching them special here. He’s there for everybody.” knows that very few are able to. what I know now. My advice is to work hard and never give His enthusiam is visible and everyone takes notice. He doesn’t take anything for granted. He’s thought about up because you never know what will happen and what op“He plays with a lot of excitement for the game,” Holli- baseball ever since he was young. It’s something that will alportunity you’ll get.” day says. “Tulo’s a good friend of mine. He’s a very mature ways be on his mind. At 6’3”, Tulo also plays a position normally filled by small- 22-year-old. He works hard, like everybody else on the team. “Coming to a baseball field everyday is just awesome,” er athletes. But he also plays the position better than most. He’s a good guy, fun to be around.” Tulo says. “It was my dream. All I ever wanted to do was be“He’s a big shortstop,” says Rockies scouting advisor and come a baseball player.” former Dirtbags head coach Dave Snow. “Guys like Troy are ulo can’t pinpoint exactly what it is he loves about the Questions? Comments? Let us know what you think at breaking down some barriers of what some consider the prosport. It’s just something he grew up loving, he said. It has





49ers Fall to USC, 3-0 By Sergio Ascencio Contributor


ou could measure how much this game meant to the Long Beach State women’s soccer team by the amount of tears shed after the 49ers fell at home to USC, 3-nil. It was supposed to be a showdown between two of the most talented teams on the left coast. It ended up being an impressive performance by an aggressive and physical USC team. “We played everyone else toe-to-toe,” said head coach Mauricio Ingrassia. “Today the game just got away from us.” The defeat dropped the 49ers to 6-4, all losses coming to top-25 ranked opponents—the previous three by one-goal deficits. After several plays that drew offside calls—and sarcastic chants of “cheaters” from the crowd—USC forward Marihelen Tomer snuck behind the defense and headed in a long-cross from Karter Haug in the 23rd minute for the 1-0 lead. Long Beach State tried to answer back in the 30th minute when Grace Shevlin’s cross skimmed through the goalie box with no 49er head able to redirect the long pass. It was that type of game for Coach Ingrassia’s team—who managed only five shots in the match.


Junior Hayley Bolt worked well in the middle distributing to Dana Farquhar and Kristen Kiefer along the right side the entire first half, but could not get by the USC defense for a clear scoring opportunity. CSULB defender Caroline Shevlin—twin sister of Grace—got tangled up in a play on the USC side of the playing field, then limped slowly across to her position. A Long Beach player cleared the ball out of bounds to give the injured player time to recover. Proper soccer etiquette is to return the ball to the team with the injured player—instead USC’s Amy Rodriguez sent in a cross to Lauren Brown, who headed the ball past CSULB goalkeeper Liz Ramos for the 2-0 lead. “I think we definitely could have played better,” said Bolt. “We respect USC, but today we had too much respect for USC.” The 49ers hoped to prove they have bridged the gap with programs such as USC. And despite this disheartening loss, coach Ingrassia’s work is reminiscent of a current Southern California coach. Ingrassia—who started five true freshmen and zero seniors in his lineup—is like the Pete Carroll of the Big West. Since he’s come to LBSU, Ingrassia has had two recruiting classes in the top25, and the roster includes six players with international soccer experience.

Also, check out the Union SportsNight podcast for more!

Photo by Russell Conroy There just always seemed to be more Trojans than ‘9ers.

That is why it’s no surprise the 49ers are favored to win the Big West this year. Long Beach State will start off their conference schedule next week on the road against Pacific and UC Davis. The 49ers’ first conference home match is against rivals Cal State Fullerton on Friday, Oct. 19. “For us it is all about conference,” said coach Ingrassia. “It always has been from the beginning.”

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

1 October 2007

Good Luck Chuck Sucks a Fuck Review of Good Luck Chuck By Danielle Slakoff


hen I was ten years old, I never dreamed of hexing a boy. Probably because I viewed the male population as a different species altogether. So when I saw that the movie opened with a young version of Dane Cook’s character being hexed by (who else?) a ten-year-old Goth girl, I thought to myself, “That is probably the worst premise for a movie that I’ve seen in a very long time.” Enter Charlie. He is good-looking, charming, witty, and a successful dentist. God’s gift to women, right? Well, sort of. You see, it isn’t Charlie that women really want. It’s the person that comes next. I know you never saw this coming, but the hex that the ten-year-old Goth girl put on Charlie ended up being the real deal. She wished that every girl Charlie became intimate with would find love in the following relationship. Charlie, on the other hand, was going to end up alone and unfulfilled. Harsh, I know. When Charlie goes to the wedding of one of his exes, the bride proposes a toast to Charlie, calling him “[her] lucky charm.” When Charlie ponders what she means by the awkward gesture, it dawns on him. The curse is real! And he is now one of two men (the other being Brad Pitt) that women line up around the block to sleep with. He meets a beautiful girl at the wedding named Cam Wexler (Jessica Alba), but, after a failed attempt at asking her out, he drops it. He has work to do, after all. It would be an understatement to say that Charlie capitalizes on his role of “lucky charm.” Fashioned in a

Photo Courtesy of Lions Gate Films

1 October 2007

way similar to the scene in Wedding Crashers, the viewers are treated to a montage of topless women. However, Good Luck Chuck went about it far more distastefully. I honestly felt slightly uncomfortable sitting in that theater; I was watching no-holds-barred, hardcore sex. The worst thing about it, however, was that it did not contribute to the plot at all. We understand that he is going to sleep with tons of women, but director Mark Helfrich should have stuck with the “less is more” theory. Although walking out of the theater never occurred to me, I did notice tons of parents pulling their children out of the theater. After Charlie is done making like Hugh Hefner, he realizes that “sex without love” is unfulfilling to him. Despite his best friend Stu (a hilarious but crude Dan Fogler) saying that he should reap the benefits for as long as possible, Charlie decides to further pursue the beautiful woman he met at the wedding. Cam, played by Jessica Alba, is a complete klutz, and although the viewer may find it entirely annoying (I know I did), Charlie confesses to Stu that he is “falling for her imperfections.” The love story that ensues has its endearing moments. The chemistry between Charlie and Cam is undeniable. However, it doesn’t take long for Charlie to realize that he has a slight problem on his hands—he can’t sleep with her because she’ll fall for the next guy she meets. Because of the realization, he decides to test out the curse on a morbidly obese woman with back and chest acne. I’ll spare the delicious details, but when he sees that this woman does not find true love shortly afterward, he decides to sleep with Cam. Then, of course, the obese woman does find love. What are the odds? The rest of the movie drones on like any other romantic comedy. There are heart-warming parts, but they, like the sex scenes, also seemed overdone. Honestly, almost all aspects of the movie—Cam’s klutziness and love for penguins, Charlie’s curse, the sex scenes, the romantic scenes—were taken too far. The only truly likable part of the movie was, of course, Charlie himself. Dane Cook was born a funny, entertaining man, and he took a weak role and squeezed all of the comedic juice out of it as possible. If someone other than Dane Cook had been cast as Charlie, I probably would have fallen asleep. Bottom line: The movie is worth seeing once. I think we can all agree that Dane Cook needs to broaden his acting horizons.

Previews • Reviews • Release Dates Superman: Doomsday Starring: Adam Baldwin, Anne Heche Directors: Lauren Montgomery, Bruce Timm, and Brandon Vietti Retail Price: $19.98 Run Time: 75 minutes Rating PG-13

Warner Bros. has finally released the best-selling graphic novel of all time, as a direct-to-DVD animated movie. When I first heard they were making this, I wasn’t sure if I could watch as the iconic Superman was killed right in front of me. I had trouble getting through the comic as it is, so to sit back and watch my childhood hero getting beat to death was something I wasn’t sure I was ready for. But I managed to sum up the courage. Doomsday, the one responsible Superman’s death, is just pure carnage driven by rage to destroy everything. He is worse than the Hulk. At least after a while, the Hulk changes back into Bruce Banner. Doomsday is just a killing machine. He has no conscience and no sense of compassion. Superman is used to winning all his battles, so when he goes toe-to-toe with Doomsday, he faces an enemy unlike any other he’s ever fought. The movie is broken up into three parts: the death of Superman, the world without Superman, and the return of Superman. Even though each of these parts mention Superman, they mostly revolve around Lois and the citizens of Metropolis. Lois essentially is the one who we see the most as the story unfolds. The world lost its savior, but Lois Lane lost the love of her life. I am glad that Bruce Timm and the creative staff made this movie the first animated Superman movie to be rated PG-13. The violence was necessary to completely tell the story. It was actually a relief to see the villains and even Superman bleeding, because after watching Justice League, they only got scratches and purple marks on themselves. Watching this movie was like watching all the Justice League Unlimited battles in one. This DVD has a lot of good bonus features including a Superman vs. Doomsday game, a history of the death of Superman, and a sneak peek at the upcoming Justice League: New Frontier. It’s an essential to any Superman fan’s collection. -By Mark Duenas

Doctor Strange: The Sorcerer Supreme Starring: Michael Yama, Tara Strong, and Bryce Johnson Directors: Jay Oliva, Frank Paur Retail Price: $19.98 Run Time: 76 minutes Rating PG-13

Doctor Strange: Sorcerer Supreme is the latest installment of Marvel’s straight-toDVD movies. As unfamiliar with Dr. Strange as I was, I found myself pleasantly surprised by how completely hooked and drawn in I was to the character development and the storylines that accompanied it. Dr. Stephen Strange is, yes, a doctor, and yes, his last name is Strange. He is a talented, prestigious, arrogant, wealthy, handsome surgeon who is only concerned with his success being printed in medical journals. There is, however, one “failure” in his medical career that has haunted him with guilt and grief and is one of the reasons for the solitary life he leads. Dr. Strange’s life dramatically changes when he is involved in a devastating car crash. Upon realizing the severity of his injuries, Dr. Strange is relentless in his search to find a cure for his pain. Sadly, the chase to find the solution to his problem becomes too much for his bank account to handle. As Strange reaches rock bottom, a man named Wong offers him a solution in Tibet with the Ancient One. Strange’s journey to Tibet is long and difficult and upon his arrival, he is unsure about his place there. Amid skepticism, he decides to listen to and practice the teachings of the Ancient One. By learning to accept the unacceptable, Strange learns the power of sorcery. The strength and knowledge Strange gains through the practice of magic is exciting and fun to see. Some of the most suspenseful scenes involve battles with various magical creatures such as the Shadowhounds, Wing Mark, and the Chinou, who enter the world seeking to destroy the Sanctum Sanctorum. The Sanctum Sanctorum contains the Nexus, the center of all other dimensions. The Ancient One and his pupils, including Wong and Dr. Strange, must defend the Sanctum from Dorammamu. Dorammamu is a spooky, devilish creature composed of dark magic that resides in the Dark Dimension. If Dorammamu seizes the Nexus, then he has control of all dimensions. Dr. Strange is forced to question his preconceived notions about himself, the life he leads, and the world around him. Dr. Strange: Sorcerer Supreme is a highly entertaining movie I recommend viewing whenever possible because it is in fact, supreme! -By Christina Duenas

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper


“Fashion fades, style is eternal.” -Yves Saint Laurent, French Designer Fashion is a complex and often tricky concept. For some, rolling out of bed and putting on yesterday’s jeans with that same smells-and-looks-sort-of-clean Vneck is considered the perfect outfit. For others, standing in front of the mirror for hours on end, mixing and matching colors, accessorizing with jewelry, hats, scarves and whatever else they may find lying on their closet floor, carefully constructing the perfect outfit is a rational and praiseworthy approach. Here at the Union, we don’t care either way—to define fashion on our terms is easy: an individual’s way of liberating their inner persona through cotton—or cashmere or silk or leather—whatever you like. It’s your style and the creativity levels can extend beyond your imagination— that’s the beauty of it. Essentially, it’s not about what you’re wearing as much as how you’re wearing it. Looking across the CSULB campus, its difficult to find one single-bound


Our Style

Urban Rock Climber:


Just because you’re outdoorsy doesn’t mean you have to look like a hippy. Combine sporty and rugged with racing stripes and leather, because nothing is sexier than a man who can carry fifty pounds of books and look sleek doing it. To complete your tour de force of style, slap on some dark shades and keep things functional with some flat-front chinos. Women love it when things are functional. It’s not enough that you’re headed for the Alps this winter; you got to look cool doing it.


fashion identity when so many students already seem to have one that is so uniquely their own. Sure, there are the athletes, the Greeks, the indie-hipsters, and the completely clueless, but where does that leave you? At some point you may have to ask yourself—does your style dictate you or do you dictate your style? It’s fall now and deciding what the meaning of fashion is for an entire college is foolish. Instead, we have provided for you the fashion must-haves of fall, the inspirational fashion icons of the Union, and snapshots

The 'That One Huck-Finn Guy': Chic: You may be slightly embarrassed that you only know this person as 'that one guy who wears the suit all the time.' But fear not, because this is exactly how everyone else knows this person and that's exactly how it's supposed to work. Because even if you think that dressing up in a suit everyday is beyond weird, he's still firmly embedded in your memory. And on a campus that dooms all but a few to complete anonymity, 'that one guy' is an automatic celebrity.

If you are going to pull off being the campus vagabond this fall, a fine line needs to be walked so as not to confuse your peers into thinking that you are a boxcar jumper or a Berkeley undergrad. You can’t go wrong with a bargain bin button shirt and a cheap pair of jeans and sandals, but it's best to complete the ensemble with a high-end accessory. A really nice pair of designer sunglasses always works.

Mod Aud:

I like my clothes like I like my men—cheap, French, and strewn across my bed. Over the years, I've accquired a look that reflects both indecision and regret for the era I was born into. Audrey Hepburn understood the delicate fusion of elegance and sex. This is a difficult concept to achieve when you’re a college student surviving on the bills your father slips you under the dinner table. Go to Goodwill, don’t take yourself so seriously, and carry the hottest accessory this season—a copy of the Union Weekly.

of our very own personal elegance. For those of you who still think fashion is a universal faux pas, go ahead and continue wearing your hand-me-down sweaters and “I Hate Fashion” tees. But for the rest of us who consider fashion as a significant accoutrement of our personalities, we hope that you can find some answers in the confines of these pages, but even better, we hope you can find the courage to throw out the sweats, make yourself presentable, and show Long Beach what makes you an individual.

Cambridge Cokehead:

You can have your cake and eat it, too. No matter your vices or drunken tendencies, kiss your girlfriend and her mother with an Oxford shirt and sweater… and feel great about it. A dark pair of jeans will do the trick, as will a plain pair of sneakers. Some funky sunglasses will keep you grounded and give you credibility with those lame hipsters. And really, wear a goddamn tie, the more hideous the better. After all, you go to college and have a cocaine addiction. Life rules.

The Handsome Anarchist: I like to convey two things with the clothes I wear: I care about my own appearance and comfort, but I don’t care about you. If that means that people will question my ability to dress myself and women will ignore me completely, so be it. A life of pitiful isolation and few-and-fleeting sexual encounters is a small price to pay for individual style. Down with this oppressive societal domination! Up with bowling shirts!

Art Deco Earrings Every girl should own a pair of gold, silver or Lucite earrings in this 1920s-inspired trend. Match a neutral toned outfit with gold pair of these and you’ll be the belle of the ball. Avoid over-accessorizing; you don’t want to embarrass the 20s.

Oxford Heels Tired of wearing 3-inch pumps? Grab a pair of these and your feet will thank you. You can dress these up or down—they look fantastic with tights and they’re a bold statement for fall.

Scarf When in doubt, wear a scarf. Wear one around your neck or on your head, around your waist or wherever you like, in any color or style. It’s always a good choice. A nice-fitting scarf can beautifully accompany even the simplest outfits.

Beret Do you fantasize about falling in love in Paris? Take a style cue from the French—a beret makes you instantly chic. It can also help immensely on a bad hair day. And

who knows? Maybe you’ll find your pseudo Parisian lover. Menswear-Inspired No need to burn your bra, feminists. Menswear-inspired looks are hotter than ever. Try a heavy fabric pantsuit with wide-leg trousers or your boyfriend’s polo with a cute pair of tights. Think Katherine Hepburn. Think Risky Business redefined.

Heavy Coats Runways are predicting the puffy jacket look, but if you have any sense, and we know you do, go for the timeless classic-cut trench or blazer in a tweed or wool fabric. And don’t forget the peacoat, another stylish way to keep warm.

Aviator/Ray Ban Sunglasses Big glasses are out—don’t worry, they’ll be back. For now, Ray Bans are instantly cool and aviators are probably the most universally flattering eyewear shape.

Boxy-Structured Satchel with Hardware Long gone are the oversized, shapeless, sad sacs of a bag—it’s all about retro boxy-structured satchels. Pencil Skirt It’s sexy, it’s business-casual and, at decent length, conservative-mother approved. Everyone from Marilyn Monroe to the uptight, crotchety librarian will agree that pencil skirts are an excellent way to flatter the female form. Also, playing dress up as a naughty secretary can do wonders for your love life.

Statement Necklace Are you fat? Chronic acne? Not to worry—an obnoxious, gaudy necklace will draw attention away from your worst flaws. Unless that flaw is that you have no neck. In which case, hide behind your outdated, giant sunglasses.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

1 October 2007


Everyday Hat Nothing says, “Take me seriously,” like a small-brimmed fedora. Just think, Sinatra pretty much rocked one during all occasions and seasons, so what makes

you think you shouldn’t do the same? Light colored straw or dark corduroy will work well with most outfits, but if you have the balls, we suggest black leather. Scarf Yeah, Yeah, we know it’s Southern California, but when the weather calls for it, no single article of clothing is cooler than a unique scarf. We think stripes may be in this fall, but solid colors such as brown and black always stay in fashion. Robe Fall is in the air, and so is the smell of Sunday morning breakfast. No man should ever live without a nice robe to waste away a lazy Sunday watching football, drinking some brews, and nodding in and out of sleep. A rule that must be followed: don’t wear anything under said robe. It’s your house, and if things fall out, well, they just fall out. V-neck sweater Layers are key during fall. It’s really nice to start the day off in the chilly morning fog in a comfy sweater, and when the sun pokes its rays through the clouds, just take it off. The style or color doesn’t really matter, just make sure it fits—not too big, not too slim. Remember, simplicity is always in fashion. Corduroy Pants When it comes to versatility, a nice pair of cords tops the list. Most pairs can be worn equally well with a tee or an oxford and tie, God’s little gift for the morning crisis. They are warm, rustic, and most certainly a staple of every single great man to walk the face of this earth. Skinny Tie This is a must guys. No longer is it okay to wear your dads’ four-inch wide tie. A tie should be an extension of your personal style, and unless you’re a withered-up retiree or a frat pledge, all ties must be slimmer than two inches; it’s a new rule. Man Bag Don’t confuse these with the black canvas messenger bags. While they might be similar in design, a leather man bag is a statement of class and durability that you simply can’t exude with a backpack or flimsy looking tote. Don’t believe us? Just ask Indiana fucking Jones. Bottle of Single Malt, Scotch Whisky Most of you are just flat out not ready for a bottle of Scotch. Soon enough, my friend, but for now, stick with your Evan Williams and coke. For the men: buy yourself a bottle of Oban fourteen year and enjoy it the way Jesus will when he returns to this planet-slow and alone. Pullover Hoody This item will be your new best friend in no time. Not too bulky, but just enough for a walk home with your lady-friend; we recommend a soothing tone that works well with most of your wardrobe. Note: it should fit your torso and drop just below your belt. No sports gear, please. Deck shoes Being Southern Californians we have the opportunity to get away with wearing sandals for almost all occasions. But honestly guys, maybe we should cover up the toes for once. What we suggest is a Sperry Topsider, the best of both worlds of gentlemen comfort and style. They scream leisure while also providing just enough class to snazzy up almost any outfit. And even better, they’re almost as cheap as those Rainbows you own.

The Western Tomboy:

When it comes to women’s fashion, one look at Twiggy will tell you that there’s nothing more timeless than “The Tomboy.” And when it comes to being a boy, nothing is cooler than cowboys. So why not combine the two? Pair a western shirt with some slimfitting straight legs, throw some vintage boots on, or wear a bolo tie as a necklace. The key is wearing only one of these elements at a time. Two or more and it's just a gimmick.

Newport Indie Modern Day Chic: Pinup Girl: Take one day and walk around So Cal, and what do you see? A bunch of guys trying to pull this look off. All you really need is a hat that fits your head, a pair of jeans you feel completely comfortable in, and a bad ass scarf. Honestly, this look is more about saying, "Fuck off," than, "Look at me." But the best thing about this look is that it's all about how you carry yourself. If you have no confidence, then good luck man, you're probably going to look pretty lame.

If a woman tells you she’s never dressed up for a man, she’s one hell of a liar. There’s nothing sexier than the classic Pinup girl—think lace lingerie, pencil skirts, and the feeling of having your picture in numerous boot camp footlockers. A woman’s body is a contour I love to define. Form fitting, Pepsi bottle silhouettes and a few simple accoutrements are vital. Imagine the girl next door in a strapless mini-dress, peep-toe pumps, and that sultry stare and you get me, in a nutshell.

Cowboy Nouveau:

When it comes to looking like a real man one need only look to the cowboy, the John Waynes, the true American men. Living in this oasis of Southern California it is easy to forget that we live in a desert already. Granted, this is the city, so a little modern flare doesn't hurt. Grab your favorite designer jeans and Italian leather shoes, a wool coat and a vest and you've got a sure shot every time. We all know everything has already been done. You might as well do it right. Do it cowboy.


1 October 2007

For this look, you want to care as little as possible about your clothes being a representation of you or anything you stand for. Therefore, everything you wear needs to be blank. Start with an undershirt that's either all white or black, then put on some $20 Levis you bought a year ago and wear about 4 days out of the week. Throw on a button up shirt with a nice pattern over that, and roll up those sleeves, so as not to appear too dressed up. Anything more and you’ve gone too far.

Zack Morris – Okay,

Adam Brody – Some people

call it Indie others may call it new age preppy, no matter what the name is, he started a style all his own. Skinny or straight-legged pants, a button down shirt, most likely some sort of plaid button down fitted top, and an accessory, like a hat, scarf, what have you. You could say Seth Cohen started the trend, but Adam Brody makes it live on. Even on the red carpet, Adam Brody can stand out in the sea of tuxedos because he is the one with the skinny long tie and super fitted suit. You can also thank this guy for making those adorable sweaters cute for guys to wear again.

The Lazy Man The Hoop Head As the air cools and streetComplex: ball runs become fewer and

Olsen Twins

– Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have done a lot for fashion. They have taught us how to cover up every single part of our bodies with oversized clothes and loads of accessories while teetering on the highest stilettos ever made. They also make the “just got out of bed and put on every piece of clothing that was on my floor” look surprising chic. With high-end labels like The Row and Elizabeth and James hitting stores these two aren’t going anywhere soon in the fashion industry

I know this guy is only a character, and in real life Mark-Paul Gosselaar can dress like a bum, but that's beside the point. Everyone knows the Zack Morris style. He made being preppy, and being called preppy, the coolest thing since the creation of his rad cell phone. High-waisted pants, white high tops and a baggy colorful tshirt were essential back in the day, until he decided to up the game and started wearing button down shirts tucked in with a belt and a smooth, simple pair of shoes. I bet if Zack Morris were around today he would be the old man in the Ralph Lauren ads.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

farther between, it becomes less and less practical to wear basketball shorts straight off of the blacktop. Like the NBA Dress Code, you cannot fight this. Maintain your baller status with a crisp shirt or jacket from Jordan, your grittiest jeans and sneakers (you’ve got plenty to choose from, but you’ll never take an L with white Air Force Ones). Perfect for those meaningless hours between open runs at the Gold Mine.

Sarah Jessica Parker – Carrie

Bradshaw. Enough said. This woman makes you want to go shopping. Not just shopping, but shopping for items that you can wear in a way that normal people wouldn’t think of, or pairing things together that truly don't go. Sex and the City made accessories a necessity and made wearing clothes fun again. But Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t only a style icon because of her most famous character, but also because of her daring and fun red carpet fashions. With her line, Bitten, now in stores, at a price that doesn’t break the bank, we can have a little SJP in all our closets. Now, if only we could afford those Manolo Blahniks.


You Should Read:

Sherman Alexie

By Philip Vargas


great author once said, “the dream he needed most was the dream that frightened him more.” That author just so happened to be Sherman Alexie, a Spokane/Coeur d’Alene Indian from Wellpinit, Washington who has found his voice in American Literature. As a gifted storyteller Alexie has been able to spin his unique brand of fiction into tales that the reader, at times, is unable to differentiate from the truth. As a child, Sherman Alexie faced challenges at every turn. Born with hydrocephalia (water on the brain) Alexie underwent an operation at six months of age that no one expected him to survive. Though he made it through the surgery, doctors told his parents that he would live out

the rest of his life as an abnormal person suffering from mental retardation. Despite what they said, he beat the odds once again. Although, in a way they were right; he wouldn’t live out his life as a normal individual. While his peers were stumbling through such books as Green Eggs and Ham at the age of five, Alexie was devouring John Steinbeck’s the Grapes of Wrath. His love for words grew as he did, until this love finally blossomed into something exceptional. Sherman Alexie’s beginnings were as a poet. As the years passed his style began to become more refined. Looking back at his first few works, such as Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven and The Business of Fancydancing, one can’t help but notice the constant in-

Fun Home

Come out and meet the man himself as he visits Cal State Long Beach. This Wednesday, October 3, 2007, at 5:30pm Sherman Alexie will be speaking on campus in the University Student Union ballroom, located on the second

Days and Nights With Japan’s Next Generation

By Alison Bechdel Mariner Books 232 Pages $13.95

By Karl Taro Greenfeld Harper Perenial 304 Pages $14.00

Reviewed By Erin Hickey


floor of the USU. The lecture, titled: Without Reservations: An Urban Indian’s Comic, Poetic, and Irreverent Look at the World, will be followed by a Q&A and then a book signing session for his latest novel, Flight. The event is being co-sponsored by the Office of Equity and Diversity, the American Indian Studies Program, the Department of English, the Odyssey ThemeYear Project, and the USU Program Council. For more information, please contact the Office of Equity and Diversity at (562) 985-8256. 

Speed Tribes:

A Family Tragicomic

A self-proclaimed “family tragicomic,” Alison Bechdel’s graphic memoir, Fun Home is poignant, a bit unsettling, and above all, pretty darn amusing. Perhaps John Belushi was mistaken when he said, “Women aren’t funny.” Maybe his statement should be revised to say, “Women are only funny when they’re being brutally honest,” or even just, “Lesbians are funny.” Fun Home, named for the family business (a funeral home), is black comedy at its finest. It centers around Bechdel’s somewhat awkward relationship with her father, but has its fair share of her somewhat awkward relationship with her mother, and her somewhat awkward relationship with herself. Her father commits suicide shortly after Bechdel (who has just come out of the closet) discovers that he has been having sex with teenage boys on the side for most of her life. The push-and-pull relationship that Bechdel has with her father as a little girl is by far the most intriguing aspect of the memoir. While she struggles to understand her sexuality and accept her femininity, opting to wear her father’s suits in games of dress-up, rather than her mother’s pearls and heels. It isn’t until after she learns his secret that Bechdel and her father really begin to connect. Unfortunately, he decides to kill himself a few months later. Bechdel’s drawing, like her writing, fits

tegration of alcoholism in his work. The reason for this recurring theme in his early work is that he was still drinking but as he began to give up his addiction his work began to evolve into something far deeper. This change in perception allowed Alexie to explore the sociological, emotional, and psychological issues which plagued the characters within his fictional community. With this shift from exploring the effects of actions to the reasons why they occur, the journey that the reader takes alongside the author’s characters is one which is far more fulfilling. His accumulation of awards over the years is a testament to his accomplishments in the craft of the storyteller. Ranging from poetry fellowships to honorary degrees, Alexie’s awards, which he has begun to accumulate since 1991, stand as a testament to his ability to capture the imagination of his audience. As a writer who has been called one of the best American novelists under 40, Alexie has a long and fulfilling future before him.

Reviewed By Robert Masucci the story like a glove. Her illustrations are skilled, but are tinged with self-consciousness and (like her family) each panel has enough imperfection to give it character. My only qualm with the book is that Bechdel frequently uses close-ups on text in lieu of pictures in her panels, a maneuver that, when used occasionally, is acceptable, but when used in bulk, feels like a cop-out. I am neither a lesbian nor do I have a dead gay father, yet I am still somehow able to relate to Fun Home. Perhaps it’s because it’s sprinkled with enough pretentious literary references to satiate even the worst of book nerds (she mentions Colette, Joyce and Wilde several times, to name a few). Despite occasional bouts of pretension, there is a biting honesty to the book. It reads, not like a wellthought out novel, but like the diary of a young woman who is simply trying to figure out the world, her family and herself, cut with the commentary of an adult who has finally come to terms with all three. Want to write for Lit? Philip Vargas can be reached at: philip@ Or read literature page online at

When I say, “Japan,” what comes to mind? A geisha in a kimono sitting under a cherry blossom tree might come to mind for some. Others might imagine a mystical land on the other side of the world. Karl Taro Greenfeld’s book Speed Tribes: Days and Nights With Japan’s Next Generation acknowledges that a lot of Westerners still blindly maintain this stereotypical view of Japan. However, his experiences with today’s Japan and its youth, who will determine the Japan of tomorrow, are a far cry from these relatively tame perceptions. The son of a Japanese mother and a JewishAmerican father, Greenfeld explores the real Japan, the sexy, badass side of Tokyo that most foreigners are unaware of. In writing Speed Tribes, he spent time with various young Japanese people in and around Tokyo and compiled their biographical accounts into his book. His stories about his subjects, mostly disillusioned or under-achieving young adults, have a little something for everyone. Readers visit a 17 year-old leader of a bosozoku motorcycle gang and then follow along in the life of one of Japan’s biggest (no pun intended) adult video stars. The book also uncovers what real-

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

ly happens with the fake orange tanned young ladies in Roppongi, Tokyo’s trendy nightclub district, as well as just how weird certain nerdy kids—the real otakus, not these silly imposters from the States—can really be. Greenfeld also delves into Tokyo’s seedy underbelly, exploring the world of petty thieves, young shabu slangers, and, of course, the Yakuza. Gritty stories aside, readers will still learn about the various facets of Japanese life: Japanese society, the people and their language. Greenfeld’s style in Speed Tribes is thankfully rather informal, not at all like a straight-faced textbook. Wisecracks and smart-ass remarks abound; I found myself frequently laughing throughout the entire book. Each person’s story flows smoothly without any of those boring parts found scattered in so many narratives. If you’re like me and you like Japan but are too broke at the moment to buy a ticket to get yourself there, at least do yourself a favor and check out Speed Tribes. It’s the closest I got to experiencing Tokyo without actually being there.

1 October 2007

Air to the Throne The Fiery Furnaces The Troubadour West Hollywood


Doors at 8pm Monday, October 22nd

Chicago-born brother and sister duo Matthew and Eleanor Friedberger are going to be jamming out with their bizarre twist on folk-tinged classic rock at the Troubadour where, for a nominal fee, you can see a band play in a venue the size of your bedroom. Haters of the Troub’ abound, but the place is so goddamn small that no matter where you are, you’ve got a bitchin’ spot.

Photo & Review by Sean Boulger

A The Great Western Forum Inglewood


Doors at 8pm Tuesday, October 23rd

Remember Interpol? Remember when you could ride your bike to see them at places like the Glass House or the Fonda for just a few bucks after school? Granted, 32 bucks isn’t that much for a concert at the Forum, but if you’re into watching bands play through binoculars and dodging bullets while looking for parking, then I would highly recommend going to see Interpol at the Forum.

Blonde Redhead The Wiltern LG Los Angeles


Doors at 9pm Thursday, October 25th

The Wiltern’s a pretty badass place to see a show, and who wouldn’t want to go check out a band comprised of two Italian twin brothers and one Asian lady? Not to be confused with Deerhoof, Blonde Redhead houses quite a bit more melody, and their drumming has been described as “clockwork.” So…that’s cool, right?


The Troubadour West Hollywood


Doors at 8pm Friday, October 26th

Dan Snaith used to be called Manitoba, until some douchebag punk rock guy made him change his name by threatening to sue him. Now, he’s called Caribou, a name he settled on while tripping on peyote in the desert. I’m not kidding. I really shouldn’t need to say anything else about this guy, you should want to go see him already.

1 October 2007

course, sometimes that’s just what has to be done, but it always kind of bums me out. It’s forgivable, for sure, but I think it tends to detract from the integrity of the actual live performance when a band samples things live. Something about the fact that sounds coming out of the speakers aren’t actually being played by anyone on stage bothers me just a little bit, and I think that’s why bands with a set number of members should keep in mind their live capabilities when arranging their songs. I was absolutely delighted, however, to watch as each and every member of the five-piece live band busied themselves at their respective instruments, effectively recreating every single sound heard in Air’s studio recordings; the attention to detail and live execution was nearly perfect. Though the set might have been a little shorter than I would have liked, it featured pretty much the best songs from all five of Air’s full-length albums, including an awesome rendition of “Playground Love” from the Virgin Suicides soundtrack and everybody’s favorite, “Sexy Boy” during the encore. Not only were Air’s best tracks represented in top form, but many of them were souped-up renditions of their recorded counterparts, a couple of which were infused with surf-rock interludes that were nothing short of badass. In all honesty, Air’s show last Monday was one of the best show’s I’ve seen in the past year. Though I enjoy them greatly, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Air is one of my favorite bands, but there’s no denying that these guys really know how to bring the thunder when they’re playing a show. Any band can get up on a stage and play their songs for a crowd of people. It takes a great degree of finesse, however, to really add something to music that’s already great in and of itself, and Air are certainly masters of their craft.

The Distant Sondre of Thunder Supporting Air on their west coast tour was jazz/ rock singer/songwriter Sondre Lerche. On his recent string of California dates (including a stop at the Street Scene Festival), Lerche performed without his excellent back-up band, The Faces Down, opting instead to go solo. Despite the lack of personnel, Lerche delivered a powerful and enthusiastic half-hour set of meticulously crafted songs and charming onstage banter. The selections Lerche performed with his electric guitar, including “Airport Taxi Reception,” displayed his technical prowess on the instrument, franticly picking and pounding out his complex jazz chords, much to the delight of the audience. I was impressed with Lerche’s ability to provide such a full rhythmic and harmonic accompaniment with only one instrument, all the while nearly flawlessly hitting every note in his wide vocal range. Not enough can be said for Lerche’s incredible voice, his spine-tingling falsetto, and his unique, catchy melodies. Sondre’s acoustic set featured the warmer, gentler side of his songwriting, including a heartfelt rendition of “Say It All.” He also played a new acoustic composition, “My Hands Are Shaking,” which, as he gleefully explained, will be featured in the soundtrack for Dan in Real Life, the upcoming Steve Carell vehicle. A key component of Lerche’s performance was his witty and endearing dialogue in between songs; he kept

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

the audience giggling by explaining that he recently began finishing every other sentence with “and shit,” in order to Americanize his speech. I witnessed Lerche win over a handful of new fans with his great set and everybody who stood in line to buy his CDs was greeted by the man himself who stayed long after the show to sign autographs and take pictures with everybody. My only gripe with the show is knowing how much better it would have been if the Faces Down had been there to support him. And despite the slight genre gap, Sondre gave a fitting transition to the main event, the awe-inspiring Air. -By Brian Newhard

Photo by Sean Boulger


nybody who reads this paper knows that we’ve really been digging us some French music lately. Daft Punk has been in especially heavy rotation, mostly due to their recent flurry of live performance activity, and over the summer, Justice put out an album that was beloved by just about everybody, including us. It’s been a France kind of month, and last Monday was absolutely no exception. Almost as soon as Air took the stage, the stale smell of marijuana mixed with the hiss of the fog machines, and the opening strains of “Electronic Performers” began to fill the air of the Grove, a mid-sized ballroom venue smack in the parking lot of Anaheim, California’s Angel Stadium. Thanks to the fact that the Grove is often undersold (and everybody knows that snooty indie connoisseurs refuse to watch opening acts—this time consisting of the marvelous Sondre Lerche, and the unfortunately named Low vs. Diamonds), I was able to enjoy the entire show with my elbows on the stage…and what I witnessed was a fantastic exercise in showmanship. Any cursory listen to Air’s unique interpretation of down-tempo, trip-hop, and electronica makes it clear that Nicolas Godin and Jean-Benoît Dunckel are two musicians who are very comfortable exploring the musical space they’re afforded to the greatest extent possible. At any given moment, songs are rich with everything from inventive percussion to acoustic guitars to electronic trappings that float about the mix like the scent of a nice potpourri, or maybe a Glade Plug-In. Being as they comprise the entirety of the band, Godin and Dunckel are free to experiment and play around as they see fit, loading their music with layer upon layer of creamy French goodness. When this is the case, sampling is often resorted to when playing live…but any simple-minded buffoon can sample something. Of

You want more music? Then get your sweet ass over to the online music section, and enjoy yourself at our expense!


These Ain’t Your Granny’s Pornographers


Photos Courtesy Of Matthias Ingimarrson &

he New Pornographers brought their crew to Los Angeles, where they spent two nights rocking the proverbial fuck out of the Henry Fonda. I caught the band on their first night in town on the 19th of September, which meant trading the second day’s opening band, The Awkward Stage, Todd Fancey’s solo group, called simply: Fancey. When they went on, the venue was the emptiest I have ever seen it and the sound mixing was close to horrendous, but Fancey’s music is really good. Even though the band has a new album due out soon, Todd and his two fellow band members stuck mostly to throwbacks from his self-titled album for his short 30-minute set. Up next was Lavender Diamond. Before the group

went on, the audience chattered about the bands drunken appearance when opening for The Decemberists at the Wiltern. By the time the band came onstage, the sound mixing problems had been fixed, and a very sober Becky Stark took the stage to belt out some of her beautiful hippietastic tunes while wearing the strangest hula skirt/dress I have ever seen. As the band played, more and more people started filtering in, until the entire venue was absolutely packed. During their set, Lavender Diamond apologized for going off on a rant and “telling everyone who buys plastic bags to go fuck themselves” the last time they were in town. The 45-minute set was exactly what you would expect from a group consisting of a dude with a big drum, a guy with an acoustic guitar, and a chick with a voice. Up next were the New Pornographers. As far as I know, this was to be the first show that the band had done in LA with all of their members together since they toured for their first album. As the curtain rose, the 8-member Polyvinyl Recordsoutfit stood in smoke under a sign that glowed with the band’s name. Carl Newman, Neko Case, Dan Bejat, Todd Fancey, John Collins, Kurt Dahle, Kathryn Calder, and Blaine Thurier were all poised at their instruments. The band’s dress was casual, with the average uniform consisting of jeans and a T-shirt. After a quick “Hello, we’re The New Pornographers,” the band jumped quickly into “All the Things That Go to Make Heaven and Earth.” I had a spot a little more than 4 feet away from Kathryn’s keyboards, giving me an incredible view of the entire performance. At one point, Carl Newman stopped the show to mention that the group is “not in it for the clapping.” The group continued to skip between old hits like “Execution Day” and new hits like “All the Old Showstoppers,” pausing occasionally to ruin plot twists for shows like Lost, Heroes, and Rock of Love for the audience. Throughout the entire performance I caught myself thinking “God damn. Kathryn Calder is so hot.” Union As the show Long Beach Septcame 24 to a close, chants for the song “Letters to An Occupant” were everywhere. There were quite a few songs I was looking forward to that they did not play: “From Blown Speakers,” “The Slow Descent

into Alcoholism,” “The End of Medicine,” and “Stacked Crooked” were conspicuously absent from the setlist. As the band walked offstage, the crowd cheered, waiting for the inevitable three-song encore that was to follow, and as the house lights came back on and we exited the main room of the building, it became obvious that the audience was a star-studded one. Members of the folk parody duo Flight of the Concords stood adjacent to members of the shoegazers from the band Film School. I left the building feeling strangely fulfilled: I had seen The New Pornographers, probably indie-pop’s best live act as of right now. I was late to class the next day, but it was totally worth it. Hopefully, I will be back in the audience to see the band again sometime in the near future, but until then, I will have the two blurry images taken with my cell phone, a ticket, a T-shirt, my memory, and this article to remind me of what an awesome night the 19th of September was. Rock on. -By Allan Steiner

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Halloween Has Never Been This Sexy Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

1 October 2007

Fixed Position Camera Embedded in the Noise and Mess


boy once dreamt Of the barrel of the gun And when he woke up He didn’t tell anyone— The blast laid him under rubble, It laid him under spent breath, It laid him in his house Disemboweled in the streets. It was the rumble of the first war His cloud seeding blue eyes (Gaze set on under Rubble, wood, and metal splinters) Would ever dim to dust too.

The minefield became the road home, The broken concrete and wet dirt of war That passed by the elementary school, The cemetery’s schedule, And the apartments Promised and Protected. He watched where the pavement bloomed Into the soot heavy and red sky Around the fresh, warm bomb crater, Whose torn edges pierced the clouds When a drop of blood dried From his glazed over eyes From the concussion against his small nose.

And his chalk drawn and cold face Was peaceful and lost, In the percussion orchestra And shifting dead colors. He could feel his heart beating low And thought he was still alive… But the mortars pounded rhythmically In the distant neighborhoods And echoed dully Between the scarred skeletons Of corroded metal bars And crumbling brick Where smoke wafted Through burnt out windows. The door frame where his mother Measured his height in centimeters (The progressive notches That he would smile proudly at each year) Lay horizontally in front of his torn t-shirt. His vacant peripheral caught The upper half of that wooden beam That was clean and unmarked Waiting and flaking the varnish Where he would have grown, Where he could have been And might have seen Over his mother’s hair, And smile with his Bright eyes and teeth again.

The beam was still whole And he was shattered. As a tank rumbled by, Taking its numbers And kicking up concrete mist that clung To his drying retinas, Its dark wind took his papers, His homework, with it. That one was his best score, That one he learned how to spell “irreversible.” The treads also crushed Cold fragments of concrete. Drops of stone spit into the air Along the broken columns Of the gutted lobby, Bullets breaking the silence And halting the tank Over his spent bedroom And his snuffed life. His fixed camera sight was cut With grey and darkness. When he played army It was never like this. He just wanted To play again.

Creative Arts

By Michaël Veremans

Turn on your cameras.

The Union Weekly Is asking you to


Send in any doodles you’ve drawn in class and we’ll print them for the world to see! Send all Drawings to October Long Beach Unionby Wkly Oct. 1st 25th. Illustration By The Stephen

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1 October 2007

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[Random Reviews] Writing a 200-300 word Random Review + Sending it to = Being on this legolicious page.

The Infinite Joys of Tomato Soup By Erin Hickey You’ve all probably noticed by now that the weather’s starting to turn a wee bit colder. The clouds today were just daring me not to take an umbrella with me to work, and I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up in front of a fireplace with a book and a mug of hot chocolate this whole week. With that said, I assure you with complete confidence that nothing is more of a comfort during the bitter cold winds (and occasional rains) of fall than tomato soup. Campbell’s knows this. Why else would they have chosen this particular broth to occupy the thermos in their school bus ad? I haven’t always thought tomato soup was anything too special. Frankly, I couldn’t really understand its purpose—especially tomato noodle. I mean, isn’t spaghetti and marinara good enough (and far less watery)? Can’t you be satisfied with what you have? Well friends, I once was lost, but now am found. I came off of a four day fast today, and was only able to eat small amounts of soup and orange juice while my body re-acclimated to food. After spending all day at work on the brink of starvation, I stumbled into a small French bistro whose soup of the day was tomato basil. As I said earlier, I’ve never been much of a tomato soup fan but this, my friends, was phenomenal. It had just the right amount of tang, a little bit of spice, and most importantly, it was food. Perhaps it was the fact that I hadn’t eaten in four days, but I’d like to think that it was just really great soup. Perfect soup, if you will. Perfect, delicious, cold-weather soup that warms you to the depths of your soul.

On a Grand Encounter with Kyle Veremans By Vincent Girimonte

Clear, unbridled good will is hard to come by on this campus. Just the other day, I was reminded of this while navigating through the masses of brick walls known as business students— a frigid day beneath the sun, indeed. Just then, and perhaps in the nick of time, Kyle Veremans came into sight, smiling and taking long, deliberate, BelgianAmerican steps. He noticed my state and gave a hearty shout in my direction, shaking me from my condition of despondency. “Hey,” he said. I shouted back, “sup!” Nothing was really up, as it goes, but look beyond the minutia and soak in the real meaning of this encounter. Kyle Veremans is a damn fine man—the type of chum you can take to a bar and insult the hired help only to have him save the day with soothing words and common sense. At least this is the impression I gathered from our chance encounter—perhaps the best first-impression a singular being has made since Jesus Christ. Do yourself a favor: hunt down Kyle Veramans and deliberately cross paths with this archetypical good man. You’ll be met with a grin and, if you’re lucky, a very witty indie-themed T-shirt.

Adrianne Curry’s Thoughts on Black History Month By Dominic McDonald Who the hell is this lady? Oh, she was one of the many— irrelevant—winners of America’s Next Top Model. I found, from a secondary source, that she posted an opinion on her Myspace page that the Black Entertainment Television (BET) should be boycotted. Then she transitions to a rant about how we shouldn’t have a Black History Month. Now there is a suspicion of substance influence after reading lines like, “Yes, I get it, black people were slaves here once. You know what that does suck some major balls…” I don’t believe that an intelligent person, who is supposed to represent America (model-wise), would say things like that if they were sober. That, however, sounds like it was sparked

by a totally ignorant belief that a whole culture should forget about their oppression. How little morality and value do you have to have to even think that a culture should not remember their struggle and contributions to a country that wasn’t even their home? It’s bad enough that Black History Month is the shortest month of the year, it’s bad enough that you have to get to the college level to really understand black history, and it’s horrible that we have a long-running show glorifying the most effortless “talent” in the world. Well, that last one was off-topic, but really there is no need to debate a drunk woman’s 2 a.m. blog post.

How Does 15% of $1,000,000 sound? The Union Weekly is looking for a few dedicated, business-savvy students to sell ads for our paper. The sky’s the limit. There is no cap on how much you can ear. The more you sell, the more we can print, and the more you make...

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1 October 2007


Girly-Girl by Christopher Troutman

You’re STUCK Here! By Victor! Perfecto

30- Old card game 33- Loses heat 34- Guy’s partner 37- Fishing vessel, perhaps 38- Like gauze 39- Decoy 40- Posed 41- Specialty 42- Lover of Juliet 43- Glaze 44- Mouthpiece of a bridle

Crossword puzzles provided by Used with permission.

45- Flowed out 48- Listener 52- Becoming slower 55- Ten of these equal one dong in Vietnam 56- Indigo 57- facilitate 58- 8th letter of the Greek alphabet 60- Scotch, e.g. 61- Pelt 62- Measured with a watch 63- Compass direction 64- Show to a table 65- Unfolds Down 1- Eats to a plan 2- Atoll unit 3- Unaccompanied 4- One circuit 5- Ore refinery 6- Lethargy 7- Normandy city 8- Four Corners state 9- Consisting of three laminations 10- Robust 11- Fable 12- Milk snake 13- Effects 22- Electrically

charged atom 23- Swiss peaks 25- Russian no 28- Awkward boors 29- Exude slowly 30- Delivery room docs 31- Extinct flightless bird 32- Cave dweller 33- Mercury and Saturn, e.g. 34- Resin 35- Exist 36- Summer sign 38- Virtue 39- Monetary unit of Lesotho 41- Run away 42- Masquerade ball 43- Esophagus 44- Partially opened flower 45- Angry 46- Capital of Yemen 47- Minor mistakes 48- Concerning 49- Topic 50- Like granola 51- Highways, e.g. 53- Grasp 54- Bhutan’s continent 59- In

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Across 1- Clock faces 6- Short tail 10- Heroin, slangily 14- Religion of the Muslims 15- Sworn thing

16- Commotion 17- Run away to get married 18- Fleshy fruit 19- Go back, in a way 20- Sawbuck 21- Brave 24- Loud-voiced person 26- Flowering shrubs 27- Monetary unit of Japan 28- Hanging limply

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Fun & Games

Do you like Comics? Send them to editor Victor Camba: Or drop them off at the Union office Student Union Office 256a

1 October 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper





Detective Invents Awesome New Drinking Game

Bally Parrot to Run for Governor of California See Butt Pirate Accessory page 39


See “CSI: New Jersey” page 3

Headlines Al-Qaeda To Sign Multimedia Contract

Iranian President Finds Homosexuality “Phenomenal”

Mahamouwho?: Other things you won’t find in Iran: Bathroom foot tapping, Flock of Seagulls jokes, ties...apparently.

Judge Declares Mistrial in Christopher Robin Molestation Case

Hung Like an Eeyore: Jury still out on whatever the fuck Piglet is.

Grunion Writer Buys New Pair of Glasses

Don’t Worry: You shouldn’t get this. Just like last week.

with Blu-ray Disc By Calamitous Jones GRUNION LADIES MAN

Throwing their hat, or rather, turban, into the already tumultuous formatting mix, the terrorist group Al-Qaeda announced yesterday their intentions to ink a deal with the Sony backed Blu-ray Disc format, surprising some analysts who believed Al-Qaeda would sign with HD-DVD. “While the information we have as to where many Al-Qaeda cells are actually located is scant to say the least, the market projections we have about their hi-def disc upgrade preferences and Nielsen scores is Red vs. Blue: For those who like their terrorists crisper, sharper, and more plasma-swordy. quite thorough,” said Cindy McGlaughlin Hard 2 without it getting old. cial, “but in the end he knew it was time of the research firm OTAN. “We’re still working on that last one,” to upgrade. We all gave him a pretty hard “The statistics we have on Al-Qaeda said Abdullah as he pointed to an adjatime, calling him things like ‘Muhammad suggested they appreciated the slight price reduction of the HD-DVD, but I think in cent room where a group of on-call sui- Ali,’ and ‘Mohammed Yusef,’ and other Mothe end the specific movie studios that have cide bombers sat re-watching Die Hard 2. hammed names that are not his.” Bin Laden is said to have finally cast his opted for Blu-ray really pushed them over “I mean, these guys really like their Bruce vote for the Blu-ray mostly on account of the edge.” McGlaughlin said, later adding, Willis.” Abdullah went on to describe the plans its large selection of titles available, citing “Blu-ray is a really cool name, especially Al Qaeda has for the future, including the that when he hangs out with Kim Jong-Il it translated into Arabic, where it means launch of a cable channel. “Right now we is really important that he has a wide array ‘pig-swine-white-devil-cool-garden-lakeRay’ and also ‘disc of light’ depending on are pacing ourselves. We don’t want to go of titles to choose from. do something crazy and have Al-Qaeda go “I just wanted to be a part of the great whether it is past dusk or not.” The production value of their projects down in history as the guys who misman- tradition that I think Blu-ray will become,” Bin Laden said through a translator via has long been a focus for the burgeon- aged their production upgrades. “Feasibly, if the market remains the way another grainy, lagging satellite phone in ing filmmakers over at Al-Qaeda who, for it has and the price-to-disc ratio doesn’t front of what looked like Daytona Beach, many years, have been releasing instructional videos on how to successfully ma- inflate arbitrarily, I think that we could be Florida. “When people see my face they neuver across monkey bars in the desert, seeing a lot of masked terrorists climbing think ‘quality production standards’ and I a feat which, until they showed the world, across monkey bars in the desert in the want to ensure that I deliver the best I can very near future. Which, if you haven’t so that when a speech I make about the had gone largely unconquered. Great Satan is played, I am confident that Al-Qaeda technology development seen, looks even better in HD.” Al-Qaeda head Osama Bin Laden, long it is the best representation of what we are chief Abdullah Mohammed said this morna proponent of low-bit, digital recordings, trying to convey.” ing via satellite phone from his house in Bin Laden then added, “I mean, if you Columbus, Ohio that the decision to sign was said to have fiercly fought the change with Blu-ray came after months of thought in format right up until contracts were are going to film cloaked terrorists climbing monkey bars in the desert, you really and investigation into not only the price signed. “He is a pretty stubborn guy,” said Odeh, need to bring your A-game. And that’s exand effectiveness of the format but also of how many times you can re-watch Die al-’Owhali, Al-Qaeda’s public relations offi- actly what we intend to do.”

G.O.P Turns Its Back on New Orleans—Again By Sarcastic Fridgehead GRUNION BREWMASTER

Washington D.C.-In a shocking lastminute proposal to congress on Tuesday night, G.O.P. members have decided that government funding to repair the Katrina ravaged areas of New Orleans should cease immediately, and completely. Walking up to the podium wearing a New Era Tony Romo jersey, Bush refused to answer questions about the new crippling bill, instead opting to immediately brake out in the Dallas Cowboys alma mater. While much of the Senate sat flabbergasted by the inappropriate display of spirit, Texas Senator and League G.O.P.’s Fantasy Football first place team manager, Kay Bailey was spotted laughing her ass off while waving a stack of recently minted hundreds in the air. After the brief yet hilarious meeting, Bush spent many hours in seclusion, but Barbara was available for comment.

“This week was rough for Georgie,” said Barbara. “He had everything riding on Monday night’s game. He had Deuce McCallister as his starting RB, Drew Brees at QB, and Marques Colston as his flex. He was only down twenty-five points to Bailey and she had no players left.” Hearing Barbara’s comments from inside his playroom, George started screaming, “Fuck the Saints, Fuck those Bush on Bush Crime: Sinking to new lows. overrated bitches,” storming out into the bigger playroom connected to his office. only one reason to go to New Orleans last “I was told by many people in my year and the Saints were it. Now looking cabinet that I needed to show more another losing season directly in the face, support for New Orleans,” said Bush. and a significant drop in season ticket “So I thought, what better a way to show sales...It’s time to cut our loses and get the support for them then to draft Reggie hell out of New Orleans once and for all.” Bush at the number one spot, and Brees When asked why the G.O.P. hasn’t with my second pick.” taken a similar stance against the war in Bush continued to ramble as he Iraq, Bush commented, “Because the war scanned Yahoo waiver wires for possible in Iraq didn’t get me a total of negative replacement running backs and QBs. three points last week, that’s why.” “Let’s face it, there was pretty much

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