LITERARY| Growing up…it's scary

LITERARY| Growing up…it's scary

by: Spelle

"When I grow up, there would be people lining in front of me, waiting for me to sign their books.”

She flinched. She fell asleep again while trying to understand her lessons, which made her stay up all night for how many days now. She tried to forget the dream she had, but it is evident that it greatly affected her. “I can’t do this.” The only thing she could utter.

A sign of giving up for today, as she lives up understanding her book. She wanted to start again, but she kept on spacing out. She suddenly realized that the dream she had, was more of a memory…

2013. She was 12

The days where you could see her reading novels, poems, or any written outputs that she could encounter. That was also the time when she dreamed of being a novelist one day.

She knew that she was not that good, but she also knew that she could improve, given that she was still young at that time. But, we all really grow up and tend to mess things up a bit.

2016. She was 15

For the past years, she was sure that she'd pursue writing. But during those years, as she aged, she began asking herself if that was what she wanted to do in her whole life. There are days that she answered "yes," of course, but surprisingly, she was starting to say "no."

She began looking at her future. Imagining the life that she always wanted. She doubts that she would like to write her whole life, and what if she just wants it because she grew up loving it?

Then, she chose a completely different path. The myths that writing could not sustain you also affected her decision. She gave up the supposed to be the career that she wanted to pursue.

The years she spent loving stories and words were not a waste of time because she became genuinely happy and free in those days. Going back to the present, she closed the book. She went to her bed and tried to borrow time for just a short rest.

Tired is an understatement because she is extremely exhausted. This course that she pursued was really tough for her, especially because she has her class online.

The pressure she feels whenever she takes activities is really overwhelming. She knows that if she messes with this one, it will affect the future just years away from her.

She admits that she's just barely having passing grades. Barely waking up to attend class, take the quiz, and take the exam.

But also, she's scared that she may fail the only thing that she fought hard for how many years. She's hurt to see herself losing interest in the future that she is trying to build.

She's in pain because she may disappoint everyone that is rooting for her. She's suffering from the thoughts that she may be unsuccessful in the future because she is not as great as what other people think of her. She is punishing herself for not doing her best. And it was terrifying.

Whenever someone asked her, "how are you" she would always answer, “I’m fine! I’m doing great.” But she wasn’t.

She never felt great about herself. She was never fine by herself. “I’m just scared that I might mess up and then I will lose everything that I’m fighting for.” She said to herself while looking at the pile of books in front of her. It’s scary… to grow up and look at things differently.

From being a child who dreams freely, not thinking about anything, just wanting to do something out of love, no pressure, no buts, no what-ifs.

Just pure love for something and investing your time with it. Just a child who wants to pursue the dream she first wanted, without thinking about whether it would feed her, pay her bills, or support a family.

Because what would a child know about those things, right? She, as a kid, just dreamed of something to fulfill her love for it. It feels nostalgic for her.

A tear fell on her cheeks, one… two… three… then she lost count of it. She smiled as she wiped those tears. She thinks she's crazy because she's giggling while crying.

It was never new to her; the pain, the tears, the pressure, they were never new — they just get worse every time, that's why she could not help herself but to just let it all out.

October 2023.

“CONGRATULATIONS, YOU PASSED THE CPA LICENSURE EXAM!” She just stood there. She gasped as she could not process what she had just read. She passed the exam. She started crying again, but this time, it was because of joy. She finally did it. After her 4 years of punishing herself because she thinks she's not doing great, she's here. Now, a CPA.

She can't explain how happy she was, but it was a huge relief. Finally, after those countless breakdowns she had during her college days, her hard work paid off.

Remembering how she dreamed of being a writer one day when she was still a child, now she's an accountant. She smiled, and she felt like she had come back to her younger self. A child who is now freely dreaming. She still wanted to pursue writing, so … She did.

After 5 years, she worked hard as an accountant and pursued writing. She’s happy about it. It was exhausting, but she loves it so much that she’s okay with it. Whenever a friend asks her if she’s doing just fine, she would always answer, “I waited for how many years just to be able to do what I love, now is not the time to be exhausted.”

As someone who has gone through battles that she just kept to herself, she wanted to reward herself by being happy with her work. She has also forgiven herself for all those years that she was in pain because of self-doubts.

Growing up was terrifying. You may lose yourself if you let it eat you. But one thing she learned is that to never let go of what you are fighting for. You did not win those battles just to give up in the end.

“After all, we are all just humans. We breakdown, we struggle. But those doesn’t make us weak. Those are just indications that we, as humans, we get tired too.

After everything you’ve been through, the most important thing is, to never give up what you’ve been fighting for. Because in this battle, between you and yourself, it’s either you win, or you try again.

You never lose.” She then pressed the save button as she finished her first-ever manuscript that was soon to be published…

-end-