Stranded ⢠The Strand
Ghoul Seeking Man A ghost is seeking a life partner to possess Sophia Savva | Contributor Iâm a 100-something year-old ghoul seeking an athletically built, 18 to 25-year-old man in need of a life partner. Iâm about 7â0 and 21 grams with a face so horrific that itâs beyond your conceptual scheme. Iâm bored of haunting at home, and I want to spice things up by possessing your body for the rest of your natural life. I need someone whoâs open-minded and doesnât play games, especially when committing atrocities against Godâs natural order. If youâre single and lonely, then consider unleashing me from my eternal suffering in purgatoryâs ashen pits. After I possess your body, you will never feel lonely since you will lose all sentience, and you will never be lonely since I will permanently nest myself inside your sacrificed physical vessel. They say you only live once, but what if you could live once with two souls inside of you?
I was a self-made millionaire and kept up a delightful cranberry bog on the side before I was brutally murdered. I was also married to the town beauty, but Iâve been single (BY CHOICE) for the past century. I was actually murdered on my wedding night, if my hunch is correct, since my wife murdered me, and she had a on a wedding dress on. I can provide you with a luxurious lifestyle and a family in exchange for just one night of intensely painful rituals that will allow me to shatter the gateway between life and death. This arrangement is beneficial if you want to die, but not die-die, or if youâve given up on your hopes and dreams and want someone else to fulfill them for you. Technically, it will still be you enjoying these things, except it will be me. I want this relationship to be honest and consensual, so Iâll just come out and say it: you must be
comfortable using a mandoline slicer and your own two hands to avenge my murder. I will try to take things slow, but that all depends on the amount of living decedents my wife has. I donât have a phone or an email, but if you go to Spooky Mansion on Halloween night with a single palm wax candle (Sensual Amber⢠scented, please) and chant, âHey Dave, Iâm here about your adâ while spinning counter counter clockwise, youâll be able to reach me if the full moon is in crescent formation and if a raven, facing westerly, crows thrice toward the East. Do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, only if you want to be ***POSSESSED*** by ***A GHOUL***.
Disputable, Untrue Facts About Danny DeVito: Wilfred Moeschter & Thomas Trimble | Contributors ⢠Dannyâs daughter Salmonella was taller than him from birth. ⢠Danny was actually cast as Prof. Dumbledore, but turned the role down to star in Space Jam. ⢠His first name is actually short for Danny DeVito. ⢠He was the winner of People Magazineâs Sexiest Man Alive award, 1948 issue. ⢠Danny earned the nickname âFurious Georgeâ after his antics on the set of The Terminator. ⢠His favourite sport is Strip Battleship. ⢠Danny is actually a failed attempt at cloning Grumpy the Dwarf. ⢠Danny DeVitoâs name spelled backwards is Olive Donald. ⢠His favourite on-screen portrayal of Batman is âBen Affleck, obviously.â
⢠Danny has been known to smuggle entire steak dinners into his pants to avoid paying for snacks at the movie theater, like the cheap sack of shit he is. ⢠Based on the second law of perspective, Danny only seems short, heâs just always far away. ⢠He was once mistaken for a giant tortoise on the Galapagos Islands and was forced to stay there for a week before he was able to convince the locals that he was not, in fact, a giant tortoise. You can catch Danny as Kevin in the upcoming live action remake of Minions.
Meaningless Comment Prefaces: A Tic Tac Toe Game
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to Play In Your Tutorial! Laura Siracusa | Contributor
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*refers to person who made a comment 8 comments ago*
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