Stranded • The Strand
Ghoul Seeking Man A ghost is seeking a life partner to possess Sophia Savva | Contributor I’m a 100-something year-old ghoul seeking an athletically built, 18 to 25-year-old man in need of a life partner. I’m about 7’0 and 21 grams with a face so horrific that it’s beyond your conceptual scheme. I’m bored of haunting at home, and I want to spice things up by possessing your body for the rest of your natural life. I need someone who’s open-minded and doesn’t play games, especially when committing atrocities against God’s natural order. If you’re single and lonely, then consider unleashing me from my eternal suffering in purgatory’s ashen pits. After I possess your body, you will never feel lonely since you will lose all sentience, and you will never be lonely since I will permanently nest myself inside your sacrificed physical vessel. They say you only live once, but what if you could live once with two souls inside of you?
I was a self-made millionaire and kept up a delightful cranberry bog on the side before I was brutally murdered. I was also married to the town beauty, but I’ve been single (BY CHOICE) for the past century. I was actually murdered on my wedding night, if my hunch is correct, since my wife murdered me, and she had a on a wedding dress on. I can provide you with a luxurious lifestyle and a family in exchange for just one night of intensely painful rituals that will allow me to shatter the gateway between life and death. This arrangement is beneficial if you want to die, but not die-die, or if you’ve given up on your hopes and dreams and want someone else to fulfill them for you. Technically, it will still be you enjoying these things, except it will be me. I want this relationship to be honest and consensual, so I’ll just come out and say it: you must be
comfortable using a mandoline slicer and your own two hands to avenge my murder. I will try to take things slow, but that all depends on the amount of living decedents my wife has. I don’t have a phone or an email, but if you go to Spooky Mansion on Halloween night with a single palm wax candle (Sensual Amber™ scented, please) and chant, “Hey Dave, I’m here about your ad” while spinning counter counter clockwise, you’ll be able to reach me if the full moon is in crescent formation and if a raven, facing westerly, crows thrice toward the East. Do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, only if you want to be ***POSSESSED*** by ***A GHOUL***.
Disputable, Untrue Facts About Danny DeVito: Wilfred Moeschter & Thomas Trimble | Contributors • Danny’s daughter Salmonella was taller than him from birth. • Danny was actually cast as Prof. Dumbledore, but turned the role down to star in Space Jam. • His first name is actually short for Danny DeVito. • He was the winner of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive award, 1948 issue. • Danny earned the nickname “Furious George” after his antics on the set of The Terminator. • His favourite sport is Strip Battleship. • Danny is actually a failed attempt at cloning Grumpy the Dwarf. • Danny DeVito’s name spelled backwards is Olive Donald. • His favourite on-screen portrayal of Batman is “Ben Affleck, obviously.”
• Danny has been known to smuggle entire steak dinners into his pants to avoid paying for snacks at the movie theater, like the cheap sack of shit he is. • Based on the second law of perspective, Danny only seems short, he’s just always far away. • He was once mistaken for a giant tortoise on the Galapagos Islands and was forced to stay there for a week before he was able to convince the locals that he was not, in fact, a giant tortoise. You can catch Danny as Kevin in the upcoming live action remake of Minions.
Meaningless Comment Prefaces: A Tic Tac Toe Game
“So, would you say it’s fair for us to then assume…”
“I think we have to think about the context…”
“I don’t mean to play devil’s advocate here, but…”
“We have to remember that ___ is subjective…”
“I just want to speak to that comment that was made by…sorry, what was your name?”
“To go off of what you said previously…”
to Play In Your Tutorial! Laura Siracusa | Contributor
14
“l think we can all agree that…”
*refers to person who made a comment 8 comments ago*
“This might be “I just want to take a completely off-topic second to but…” acknowledge…”