St
EMILY DEIBERT STRANDED EDITOR
MERYL SWEEPS!
In perhaps the most controversial move in the histor y of film, The Academy of Motion Picture Ar ts and Sciences has decided to nominate Mer yl Streep in ever y award categor y for the 87th annual Academy Awards. A member of the Academy, who wishes to remain anonymous, said: “The idea came about after we’d put Streep’s name down for Best Actress in a Leading Role, only to realize that she hadn’t, in fact, starred in any movies this year. It had sor t of become second nature for us to nominate Streep no matter what roles she’d had. We put her down for Best Suppor ting for her role as the witch in Into the Woods, and we’d originally planned to leave it at that, but it just didn’t sit right with any of us. I mean, she holds the record for most nominations. To only have her name on the ballot for one suppor ting role—it just didn’t feel right.” Streep does indeed hold the record for the most Academy Award nominations of any actor, with a grand total of 19—15 for Best Actress and four for
Best Suppor ting Actress. She has been nominated seven more times than Katherine Hepburn and Jack Nicholson, who are tied in second-place with 12 nominations each, and has won a total of 151 different awards throughout her career. In fact, Streep has an entire Wikipedia page dedicated solely to her awards. “The idea is this,” our source continues. “Although Mer yl Streep doesn’t technically qualify for ever y award, she’s such a dedicated, versatile ar tist that no one would be surprised to see her name in any one of the categories. So we’re asking those casting their ballots to just imagine what she would have been like had she qualified for the role. You see? For example, Mer yl Streep isn’t technically a shor t documentar y, but if she were, how good would she be at it? How would she compare to all the other contenders in that categor y?” Upon hearing the news, Streep was shocked. “I’ve known for a while that I’m a bit of a running joke within the Academy, but this is taking it to an-
other level. Do I think it was a good decision? Well... yes, of course I do. Ever yone knows I would win any categor y I qualified for—is it really necessar y for me to go to the trouble of actually qualifying at this point? No, not really.” While Streep and the majority of the Academy have no qualms about this contentious decision, not ever yone feels the same way. Multiple petitions have already sprung up online citing the Academy’s choice as “outrageous,” “a mocker y,” and “just really, really unfair.” Although Stranded approached a host of actors for comments, it was perhaps Leonardo DiCaprio who best summed up the public dissent against the Academy by simply sobbing into the other end of the phone, pausing only to wipe his eyes with the distinctive crinkling of a $100 bill. The nominations are official, but only time will tell if Streep really is wor thy of being considered for ever y categor y. The most controversial Academy Awards to date will air Februar y 22 from the Dolby Theatre in Holly wood, Los Angeles.
TEXTSPEAK 4 NOOBS CLAIRE WILKINS FILM & MUSIC EDITOR
Parents, are you tired of having to read through entire pages of your daughter’s diary just to figure out what’s going on in her life? Is your son getting a little too big for that ankle monitor? Do you feel old and irrelevant? I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. With cellphones, telegrams, and countless other technologies out there nowadays, it’s easy to be confused about what’s current. We’ve compiled a list of some of the acronyms today’s youth are using from sources such as Margaret Wente and the next-door-neighbour’s dog! Next time you’re scanning through your child’s cellular device for necrophilia, look out for these acronyms:
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.
TFCFFCJ – Take The Fucking Cookie From The Fucking Cookie Jar Code666 – Underworld emergency; Satan calling Stink60! – One time I didn’t do laundry for two months FCACC – Fuck Capitalism and Consumerist Culture FCFD – Fuck Christmas Family Dinner SLS – Shrek Is Love, Shrek Is Life BRBBMB – Be Right Back, Burning My Bra IDKIIEWHC – I Don’t Know If I Ever Wanna Have Children IAC – I Am Communist INCG – I Never Call my Grandma AHS – All Hail Satan #dead – I am a ghost
VIVIAN CHE
Know any other acronyms parents should know about? Shoot me a smoke signal @theyear150BCE.
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