OPINION
THE STINGER
Heiney
9
December 2013
Hotspot
Questions or concerns?
Dave Heiney Section Editor of Opinion
Talk to someone else. It’s not my problem, and I don’t really care.
Yearly dose of holiday cheer Salutations, conscientious humanitarians of Emmaus High School, and welcome to the Heiney Hotspot. I imagine that the extra month without me to compose this righteous beacon of hope in your life must have driven you to the brink of insanity. In an attempt to quench the universal thirst for Heiney and keep you satisfied until February’s dosage, I’m jam-packing this issue full of sweet and savory Hotspot flavors for your anxious and scholarly taste buds. I would first like to investigate the life of one of Mother Earth’s most complex and fascinating creatures: the teenager. Specifically, I shall dissect the day-today affairs of the average EHS. Normally I would oppose the generalization of a group as diverse as the student body, but, in this case, I choose to misrepresent a handful of students in order to put the lives of many into perspective. Pressing onward, let us examine the morning routine of the typical sap bound to EHS. The average Joe awakens from a semi-decent slumber and proceeds to bathe, don a fresh assortment of clothes, eat a mediocre breakfast, and safely transport himself to his establishment of learning. After staggering through a humdrum
slew of classes in a tragically WiFi-less compound that can never seem to be the right temperature, the individual freely chooses how to occupy the remainder of his or her day-- whether it be to sleep the afternoon away, hang with some homies, go to a job for meager pay, or play with the surety of his future in some naive hooliganistic affairs. If life were like Monopoly, the typical teen of Emmaus would be furiously attempting to erect the third house of Baltic Avenue. Secretly he dreams of leading bigger, more glamorous ventures in Marvin Gardens or, maybe, just maybe, Park Place. Rarely does the resident of this podunk town consider the truly fortunate conditions in which he lives. Whilst cursing his existence over begrudgingly slow WiFi reception and unsatisfactory television programming, the average Emmausian maintains a blissful ignorance/merciless apathy regarding the global majority’s constant state of turmoil. In an effort to peak your intrigue on the horrific magnitude of international poverty, I have a tool in my arsenal that has been known to stupendously influence the opinions of most high school
Fruit-Flavored Candy Canes
Every year these abominations desecrate the stockings of children everywhere.
Barack Obama
President or not, Nelson Mandela’s funeral is not the appropriate place to take selfies.
EHS Staff
Seniors deserve lunchtimed Santa that represents the people.
students: mildly credible statistics. Approximately 21,000 children die every day around the world due to circumstances of poverty. 21,000 children. Every day. Let’s get real. That’s as if the total estimated death toll of the 2010 earthquake in Haiti would occur every 10 days, and all of those 210,000(ish) individuals were children. Somewhere close to 640 million children live without adequate shelter; that’s double the population of the United States living a life in dirty squalor. I realize that merely presenting these statistics does little to strike a substantial emotional chord within you, my readers, but fear not, for I’ve held the most shocking figure for last. Prepare yourselves. Throughout the globe, 270 million children live without any access to healthcare. So, if a child living in constant fear of contracting some atrocious flesh-eating disease were to contract one of those atrocious flesh-eating diseases, he would have no option but to die a slow and painful death. “That really sucks, Dave,” you may say, “But why should I care?”
Well, young Hotspotter, know that approximately 440,000 Americans die of smoking-related illness every year. As a comparison, if one accumulates the total American death tolls from the Revolutionary War, Vietnam War, World War I, the Korean War, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, double that number, it comes out to nearly 410,000 More Americans die by willingly breathing cancer into their body every year than the amount of Americans that died so valiantly to protect our country. The tobacco industry is also one of the most financially successful industries in America. Furthermore, patient readers, American fast-food companies spend $4 billion dollars annually on advertising. $4 billion spent every year on grossly fattening the citizens of America. While 270 million children cannot defend themselves from the common cold, we Americans spend billions of dollars promoting obesity and lung cancer (and cardiac cancer, oral cancer, esophageal cancer… Don’t smoke, kids.) Now, dear Hotspotters, I’m not a expert of finance, but I am fairly certain that the money spent promoting overweight children and respiratory disorders may be better used on other, much more pertinent endeavors. America utilizes its vast wealth to poison its citizens instead of aiding dying children around the world. So, my beloved fans, next time you go bananas when Netflix spazzes out and you can’t finish an episode of Breaking Bad, remember all of the sick children who just want a bed to sleep in.
Nelson Mandela
May his name remain eternally on the nice list.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Not even a skilled pilot could land a sled carrying billions of gifts guided only by a single red incandescent bulb.
Families that celebrate Christmas
Never have they questioned bizarre traditions like putting a tree in your house or hanging socks on the fireplace.