Getting Comfortable With Sober Sex

So, you’ve given up alcohol. You feel more confident, emboldened and maybe even unstoppable. But then the panic sets in. How am I going to have sober sex???

If this thought has creeped into your psyche, you are not alone. But facing sober sex is not all that different from other firsts when getting sober. While it may feel initially unfamiliar and scary, it is ultimately exciting, empowering and liberating.

Here are some tips from Allison Guilbault Therapist & Mindset Coach (sober) Licensed Sex Therapist on facing the bedroom alcohol-free:

Challenge your thoughts: If you are on a sober journey, you have probably had a lot of practice challenging thoughts that no longer serve you You have rewritten stories like “I am more fun (or social, or likeable) when I am drinking” You have replaced that faulty logic with more empowering truths that honor who you truly are, someone who is whole and likeable and worthy without alcohol Now it is time to do the same with intimacy It is likely that you have old narratives telling you that you need alcohol for sex: to relax you, make you more adventurous, more confident even But those are just thoughts None of it is actually true Remind yourself that alcohol is a numbing agent, both emotionally and physically Sober sex actually allows you to be more present, more in touch with your needs and allows you to better communicate and connect That’s pretty hot

Know it is okay to be nervous: Just like the first time you went to a wedding sober, turned down your first drink, or told your first person that you were not drinking, the unknown can be scary Feeling nervous about something new is understandable and valid But just like all the other “firsts”, what is strange at first will become familiar over time The scaries are only temporary, but sobriety is life-changing

Start slow and communicate: Whether it is with a new partner or someone you have a long-standing relationship with, it is okay to start slow Kissing, massages, and gentle touching can all help build confidence in the bedroom Tell you partner what you want, what feels good and what you are uncomfortable with Don’t be shy about experimenting, either with your partner(s) or in solo play

Practice Mindfulness: An excellent benefit of sobriety is you can reconnect to your senses Focus on your breath Feel the touch of your partner Pay attention to your sensations

In the end, sober sex is liberating, empowering and freaking amazing

My name is Sarah. I’m a mum and a wife from sunny Essex, UK, and I quit alcohol when I was 28 years old. Now approaching 15 months sober, with my 30th birthday hurtling towards me, I’ve been reflecting upon my experience of giving up alcohol in my 20s, in a world that is literally obsessed with alcohol.

People my age (the ones I hung around with anyway) were the tail end of the underage cheap binge drinking generation. £1 shots, knowing the right bouncers so you didn’t get ID’d, pre-drinks (never going into a bar without getting hammered first). From the first time I got paralytic drunk at 14 years old, I never drank alcohol for the taste, but to see how battered I could get for as cheap as possible. I would drink to take away my insecurities and give myself the confidence I lacked when sober, and I wouldn’t stop until my body physically couldn’t take any more (enter, the tactical chunder). It was normal… Until it wasn’t.

People my age (the ones I hung around with anyway) were the tail end of the underage cheap binge drinking generation. £1 shots, knowing the right bouncers so you didn’t get ID’d, pre-drinks (never going into a bar without getting hammered first). From the first time I got paralytic drunk at 14 years old, I never drank alcohol for the taste, but to see how battered I could get for as cheap as possible. I would drink to take away my insecurities and give myself the confidence I lacked when sober, and I wouldn’t stop until my body physically couldn’t take any more (enter, the tactical chunder). It was normal… Until it wasn’t.

How do you even do that?) and I knew that eventually, I was going to end up ruining the life I had worked so hard for. The life that was far from the insecure, binge drinking teenager who grew up with an alcoholdependent parent herself.

Anymore

It took me a while to get there, a lot of failed attempts to grasp the illusive, silver-bullet that is moderation, but eventually, I resigned myself to the fact that if I wanted to be the person my family deserved and that I deserved to be for myself, I could not drink alcohol any more. I wasn’t physically addicted, I didn’t have a rock-bottom as such, but I was miserable and hurting people. I knew all too well how it could end, so what was I waiting for?

Giving up alcohol in my 20s is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and my family. I’ve learned so much about myself, I’ve improved my relationships, my career, my mental health and I would say to anybody that struggles with their relationship with alcohol, no matter how young they are, to dip their toe in.

By Sarah aka shesnotdrinking