GERALD UNDERPAY Enac t h*ck in’ unethical business prac tices with these emo -inspired strategies C12
THURSDAY
THE
HAMILTON SPECULATOR Waiting on purchase orders since 1934
November 2, 2017
NOTSPEC.COM
Amazon is setting up their new headquarters in Hamilton No one planned this far ahead, and some big issues remain
The new headquarters will be built with parts shipped in giant boxes like this one. It will take approximately 100,000 shipments to complete, and at least three people will develop carpel tunnel because of the signature needed for each.
SAINT PETER VEGAS Jesus costumes were only $50
After city representatives patted one another on the back for the initial proposal and readied speeches for a seemingly inevitable first round exit, the impossible has happened. #HAmazon is a reality. However, there is one tiny stipulation. The headquarters are in universe six. We are in universe seven. As you may recall from the recent local zoning laws that shifted the student vote between planes of existence, universe six is a mirror image of our universe. It is an equal and opposite representation of our
reality. As such, cats are better than dogs, StarCraft is not a dead game and Hamilton put forward a desirable enough pitch to win the bid for Amazon’s headquarters. City representatives from our universe, however, will still continue to take credit for the successful universe six bid. “So the only way they could have possibly done so well is if we did so poorly, right? That was the plan all along,” said mayor Werner Heisenberg. “Every tool carries with it the spirit by which it has been created.” No comment was given when asked if they had coordinated or communicated with
POLL: What’s your favourite Halloween activity? Not participating in Halloween
Eating candy alone in my room
Having spooky nightmares
anyone about this plan. Universe six plans to capitalize on this more by requesting that the most qualified employees in universe seven’s Hamilton be transferred over to help out, but critics say this will add to the current brain drain issues the city has. “We prefer the students in the area to move to other places in our universe. While we have no real interest in keeping students in the city, they should at least stay in the same galactic area code,” said Heisenberg. Some members of the student population do not share this sentiment. “Hamilton is a fantastic city with an incredibly support-
ive community and a strong young professional network,” stated Damien Trombone O’Malley, vice president (Finance) of the students union and acclaimed ska musician. “However, if that requires me to switch universes, then that is a process I will undergo to find opportunities that will challenge me and help my professional growth.” Moving forward, the universe six version of Hamilton will submit applications to host the Junos, the 2036 Canada Summer Games and the Interuniversal Salt Competition.
Tweets to the Editor
Watching scary movies
Amazon sucks! Why would we ever want them here?
This Speculator is bad and you should feel bad.
Listening to the Emo Forever playlist on Spotify
Using it as an excuse to drink in the office
Slapping together a bad costume at the last minute
- Jason, 34, Google advocate
All of the above
- Sean, 21, Interuniversal Salt Competition participant
INSIDE HOW TO PUBLISH A PAPER WITHOUT ANY LICENSES A4 ARE STUDENTS SMELLY? B2 WILL I BE ABLE TO GET ON A BUS HOME TONIGHT? PROBABLY NOT B4 MAYBE YOU WILL PICK UP THE PAPER IF WE INCLUDE AS MUCH WEED AND BEER AS POSSIBLE SO HAVE FUN WITH THAT C1 SECOND HEADQUARTERS FOR OUR ADOPTED DOGS WILL BE BUILT D3 TINDER FOR SMASH BROS. PLAYERS D5 PER ISSUE: Screamo covers of your favourite Halloween songs.
Disclaimer: The Hamilton Speculator is a work of satire and fiction and should not under any circumstances be taken seriously. This year’s extended lore for the Speculator is getting pretty intensive, but you can catch up if you miss a few. Don’t worry about it.