Page 12


SpeculatoR The Hamilton


INSIDE THE SPECULATOR A6: Whiskey shits: an obituary C9: Muffs: a scratch and sniff appreciation E14: Buttholes. That is all.

Thursday, March 31, 2011 F The greatest dick joke that ever was .

Dead after all these years Solomon Ostero murdered in mysterious anti-necrophiliac slaying BUCK HOROWITZ SPECULATOR

Tragedy struck the McMaster community today as one of its be-tolerated political figure was gunned down in the period which most closely resembled his prime. Solomon Ostero, a longtime History of Hygiene major, and former candidate for MSU President and Mayor of Hamilton, was shot to death as he drove through campus in his black convertible golf cart. “He was just driving along and his head snapped back and to the left. Back and to the left,” said Abraham Wong, a bystander who witnessed the event. “But then it turned out that he had just driven into a low doorway. Apparently he was shot about an hour later.” How exactly Ostero was killed has come under question. McMaster security guard Jim Keeler has posited that the ex-politico was killed by multiple shooters. “Ostero was shot while passing between this sod-covered ground protuberance and the Mills book depository,” Keeler said while pointing to said protuberence. “There could have been shooters at either of those locations, although it’s hard to tell since some of his followers made off with the body as soon as they realized it was riddled with holes.” The circumstances surrounding Ostero’s death are particularly suspicious considering that he had only recently thrown his hat into the ring for the upcoming Canadian federal election. Running on a fascist necrophiliac platform, as he had in three consecutive student union and one municipal election, Ostero was branded the people’s candidate early in the race. “He was so popular,” said a teary Professor H.R. “Stretch” Armstrong, who was a long-time cohort of Ostero’s. “Not amongst people,

Bye Bye Bucky! by Peter Goffin, Special to The Speculator

maybe but certainly in the morgue he was very well regarded. There was an old saying I just came up with that Solomon, or ‘You,’ as I called him, never met a corpse who had a bad word to say about him.” Other acquaintances, however, paint a different picture. “Sure he claimed to be a necrophiliac of the people,” said

former aide Johnny St. Huebert, “but he came from one of those upper-class East-coast intellectual necrophiliac families with strong ties to industry. The whole scene was very snobby about the class of corpses he associated with. It was one of the reasons I quit his mayoral campaign.” Though there is no doubt a

After three years and 15 metric tones of degrading filth, The Speculator’s Buck Horowitz is hanging up his typewriter and retiring. “He was the best pseudonym I ever worked with,” said Managing Editor Julian Scheisskopf. “He could just sit there stroking out a long story until his arms were sore.” In this exclusive interview, Horowitz discusses life, love, and disease as he rides nude into a DayGlo sunset. PG: How have you changed since you began this job? BH: I think I’ve learned that good journalism is about the details. PG: For example? BH: Well, if you look at my early work – like, my first article, back in 2008, was about a guy who banged his mom and tried to blind himself by looking at the sun. I wrote 700 words on him and didn’t even think to ask who was on top. Rookie mistake. PG: What was your favourite article to write? BH: Well I thoroughly enjoyed bugging the White House during the Obama inauguration, but I am still very partial to what has become known as “the Page of Dicks”. It was an open letter I wrote in response to a reader who complained about the use of the term “dick joke” in The Speculator. It allowed me the chance to really take a philosophical stance on dick jokes and make an intelligent defense of my work. I also covered the entire page with pictures of common objects that look like cocks. PG: Who was your favourite interview subject? BH: Well, my interviews with God, Satan, and Jesus Christ, were all tops.

great deal of devastation in the affluent corpse circles, and perhaps the Ostero family, it is the students of McMaster who have been most burdened by these tragic events. “I’m in a Peace Studies seminar and they’re making us write an essay on this ass-hole for extra credit,” said fourth-year Peace Studies student Maggie Quant-Yeo-

man. “My prof says he’s a modernday Gnand...Gnu... Ghan-something. You know, the African guy with the eating disorder.” When asked for confirmation, Professor of Peace Studies, Dr. Marvin Heller said, “Yes, it’s true. Getting a credit in Peace Studies really is that easy.”

I found Satan to be the most compelling, particularly his stories about the entertainment industry. PG: Is this a true retirement? We’ve seen you reneg on promises to quit before. BH: Well it’s hard to – I mean I guess you’re referring to the time last year that I said I was eloping. I had met a girl, her name escapes me now, but I remember she had deliciously attractive shins. But it didn’t work out. She jumped out a window at my parents’ house and started running for the highway. PG: So you came back. BH: Yes, right, I came back. But this time, it’s official. I’m done, at least until I come back next time. PG: Do you have any plans for the future? Where are you taking your talents? BH: Thailand maybe. They need copywriters to help them advertise the rub and tug shops. There’s a real Maddison Avenue thing happening over there and I’d like to get in on the ground floor. Incidentally, In Your Ground Floor is the name of one of the more popular shops. PG: We’ll miss you Buck. BH: I’ll miss you too, pal. And may I just say, you’re handsomer than anyone gives you credit for.

“What Did You Learn This Year, Timmy?”

“I learned that three years went faster than my dignity did.” Disclaimer: Stories printed in The Hamilton Speculator are fact. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is likely intentional and done out of spite. Opinions expressed are those of The Speculator and if you disagree with them you are wrong. And stupid. Possibly ugly as well.

March 31st, 2011  

March 31st, 2011 issue of The Sil

Read more
Read more
Similar to
Popular now
Just for you