39 The SandPaper/Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Money in the Bergs; Choked Floodwaters Had Nowhere to Go M
ONEY WITHIN THE WARMING MADNESS: The Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore continues to all but hand rally the ranks of Doomsday Preppers by hyping Super Sandy as a storm of things to come – a glum indicator of increasingly radical skies as global warming whips the planet’s atmosphere into a lather. We’ll overlook the fact that keeping such sky jitters alive and kicking spells job security for storm-chasing Jimbo. Seeing Jim in action, I realize there’s likely a mint to be made in the hot global warming market. I’ve therefore begun brainstorming among my various personalities. And I think I’ve got a planet-rescuing winner. You’ve seen all those fear-evoking photos of ancient icebergs collapsing into the sea, right? Well, I believe we’re more than ready for iceberg scaffolding. Roughly speaking, Jay Mann’s Hold-a-Berg: “Your ailing iceberg will stand up and salute my Hold-a-Berg’s system of pipes, struts, beams, buttresses and optional stained-glass windows.” Now all I need to do is learn a few words of whatever the hell they speak in Iceland. I can only carry a
sales pitch so far by repeating “Björk” over and over. Anyway, the worst iceberg melt sufferers can opt for my Brace-a-Berg Pro. “It not only holds your berg, it cools your berg.” “Brace-a-Berg Pro’s solar-powered refrigeration coils nestle within the Brace-a-Berg famed scaffolding, reaching an Eskimo-pleasing minus 10 degrees F.” Per my literature, “You’ll hear your iceberg going, ‘Ahhhh’ as the frigid coils penetrate its soggy, sagging face.” You snigger and even sneer at my inventiveness. Just wait for some scientist who reads this column 75 years down the line and mutters in awe, “Holy crap. Clear back in 2012 this Jay Mann guy somehow predicted our trillion-dollar intercalating critical iceberg infrastructure containment substratumizing system.” Damn straight, dude. SUPERSTORM TECHNOTALK: I’m under the weather. Oh, I feel fine enough – all demolition things considered. I’ve simply been steamrolled by weatherish stuff this entire week, including a continuing story line about why Sandy was
Ryan Morrill
That’s a Promise ‘And Hopefully This Plywood Won’t Float Away’ MARK OUR WORDS: Impromptu signage outside Fantasy Island in Beach Haven highlights a sentiment held by hard-core Island locals and LBI tourists alike. Despite being within one of the hardest-hit areas of the Island, this popular amusement center fared far better than its sister park in Seaside Heights. far more floodacious south of the LBI Causeway. (Hey, this is important stuff as we wonder what’s on the tempestuous horizon.) Shortly after our foul floodfest, I had written that north winds had
surely blown Barnegat Bay’s floodwaters into Manahawkin Bay, and, gradually, southward into Little Egg Harbor. In fact, a series of Sandy-related high tide surges prior to her landfall easily overfilled the bay areas north
of the Causeway bridges. Then, her Superness’ hurricane-ish north winds essentially forced the water southward, powering through the channels beneath the Causeway bridges. From there, the former floodwaContinued on Page 46
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