Dear youths, You’re back from Winter Break, or as I like to call it, “finally some goddamn peace and quiet around here.” Whether you’re coming back to campus from a European ski trip, African safari, or 25-day Netflix binge, you all return with a clear mind and clean slate. Well, except those of you whose New Year’s Eve photos are forever immortalized on Facebook. Anyway, as you once again distract me from augmenting my ever-increasing collection of pantsuits, here are some things to remember: Freshmen: This semester, you must keep one very important fact in mind. You are still n00bs. You may have experienced hard classes, harder curves, and even harder drinking this past semester, but until Penn Preview Days you still have as much authority as a grandmother telling her grandson how to use the computer (read: none).
Editorial Staff Editors-in-Chief: Monica Schechter Justin Starr Nikhil Menezes
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Benjamin Jiang Max Levy Tiffany Pham
Executive Editors: Julia Hurley Kira Simon
Managing Editors: Andres Gonzalez Jonathan Calles Meaghan Harding Myles Wolfe
‘15 ‘16 ‘16 ‘16
Hayley Brooks ‘14 Emily Leven ‘14 Naomi Mae Shavin ‘14 Conor Nickel ‘14 Jamie Picano ‘14 Daniela Bucay ‘15 Suvadip Choudhury ‘15 Laura Doherty ‘15 Tarek Elsayed ‘15 Daniel Gelfarb ‘15 Daniel Gillis ‘15 Gloria Huangpu ‘15 Rob Golden ‘15 Hamza Qaiser ‘15 Connor Ryan ‘15 Katie Sgarro ‘15 Theo Trampe ‘15 Ben Behrend ‘16 Adam Cole ‘16 Noah Goldman ‘16
Official Scapegoat: Miguel Davila ‘15 want to see your name on this page? come to our meetings! info can be found on our website, thepunchbowl.net and if you have any questions/ comments/ brownies, email thepunchbowl@gmail. com or check us out on facebook (facebook.com/pennpunchbowl) and twitter (@thepunchbowl).
TL;DR - We’re Still
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Sometimes we wonder what it would be like to breathe without our mouths fastened to the financial nipple that is SAC. But damn it, those funds taste too good. After all, in today’s world of quantitative easing, tapering, and you looking up those terms on Wikipedia, money can’t be taken for granted. Students have to go through OCR to make sure they’ll be getting their daily ration of the green stuff and all we have to do is offer SAC a freshman sacrifice every two years (by the way, Bart, it’s an even year, so start eating
Brendan Murray ‘16 Kishan Patel ‘16 Matt Solowey ‘16 Brendan Smith ‘16 Shira Stearns ‘16 Jaimie Zhang ‘16 Bart Buurman ‘17 Iman Charania ‘17 Michael Coyne ‘17 Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie ‘17 Chris Haddad ‘17 Luke Hoban ‘17 Camille Jwo ‘17 Matthew Kelemen ‘17 Max Levy ‘17 Leora Mincer ‘17 Caitlyn Rand ‘17 Rachel Rubin ‘17 Jeffrey Silver ‘17 Ariel Smith ‘17 Sheida Takmil ‘17 Miranda van Dijk ‘17 James Wang ‘17 Wendy Wei ‘17
a lot of spices). There’ll always be the alternative though. After finishing this magazine you could cut it up into rectangles and start trading them with other people as currency, until it reaches a critical mass of exchange. Then we could fund our new magazine with our old magazines! Or you could just finish it, throw it in the recycling, and then buy a seasonal mocha at Starbucks. Viva la revolución. Special thanks to alums James Fuld, Justin Schechter, Mia Paterno, and Jonah Lustig for helping us get started.
Copyright Punch Bowl 2013. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead or living-dead, is purely coincidental.
Sophomores: Second semester of sophomore year is much like the first. Only hang out with the friends you made freshman year and change your major four more times. Although you may have accidentally called Penn “home” in front of your mom, you still hold no authority. But at least you have enough confidence to think you do. Juniors: Many of you are returning from exotic study abroad programs, while the rest of you are returning from your semester-long hibernation (#fomo). For those of you reluctantly returning to your rat-infested UCH apartments, everything is the same, but like, totally different now that you’ve had this major life experience. Your friends will still like you as long as your every sentence doesn’t start with, “this one time when I was abroad.” Your selfie tour of Europe has really opened your eyes to the culture limoncello of Rome, the art wines of Paris, and the theater ales of London. Just keep in mind, your fake still won’t work at Smoke’s. Seniors: Welcome to your last semester of learning, your last semester of Thirsty Thursdays (not to mention Margarita Mondays, Tipsy Tuesdays, and Wine Wednesdays), and my last semester of your tuition checks. That last one really stings for me. For those of you who are part-time, get ready to do nothing. For those of you who are full-time, get ready to do nothing and then get B’s in all of your classes. Sorry, we can’t all be as generous as Harvard. On the topic of generosity, I hope you keep me in mind as you get ready to enter the “real world.” My wallet does not fill itself. Although with some of the new investment schemes I have devised, it might. I have invested all of this semester’s tuition in Dogecoins. I hear it will take off just as quickly as Bitcoins, but will “wow” with its “such profit.” If that doesn’t work there’s always the bribe I took from Blackboard to not discontinue our contract, and the wire transfer I am still waiting on from that nice Nigerian prince I invested in over break. I sent him our endowment to get him out of a tight spot and he promised to repay me double! As you can see, despite my rumored cold heart and frozen features (it was the polar vortex, not botox, I swear) I can be quite generous at times. But at least on the Internet nobody knows it’s me. Can you imagine if word got out? Sheesh, just think how poorly the student loan business would be doing! tl;dr: Give me your money, Amy “QuakerBetch1740@aol.com” Gutmann
Amy Gut mann
Penn Student’s Paper Without the Internet We’ve gained access to a Penn student’s paper written during January’s polar vortex, when they were out of power, and worse, out of Internet. An Archaeological Examination of a Cave Site The history of the [which genus?] [name of the site?] is intriguing. The [genus] [type of skeleton?] found there on [INSERT DATE HERE] makes it an exceptional site. This project undertook to learn more about the site and its former inhabitants. The research design for [site name] is both thorough and lacking. Excavators went to great lengths to learn more about the cave and its former residents. Data collected included [what stuff did they find?!]. For excavation, workers used [shovels?], but for smaller and more delicate items, excavators used [toy shovels?] to move the dirt away from the object. After the contents had dried, it was analyzed. The screenings usually produced [DNA? Bullshit?], evidence of [evolution?! Fire?! Cannibalism?!]. [PARAGRAPH ABOUT HOW THEY DID THE THINGS THEY DID.] Unfortunately, there was little data to collect from the burial site of the [genus] [type of skeleton]. The absence of its skeleton, which is at the [stodgy old museum] in [old historic city?], made it difficult to make any interpretations about the skeleton because it was not in its true location [which was where?!]. While [things they found there] were discovered, there appears to be no relation to the [genus] skeleton, so nothing more has been learned about the [genus] skeleton [Chicago-style citation*]. Overall, the research design for the [cave name] is well done. The explanations by [that famous dude] and [that other famous dude] of [that thing they did] are excellent, especially the use of the [whatever technology they had to use] and the [other thing they did] of [whatever they did the thing they did to]. While [that other other famous dude] argued that [whatever he argued was wrong with the other dude’s argument], [thing that is okay], [other thing that was okay], and the [third thing that was okay because you need three for a list] make the project more accessible to [non-archaeologists? Kids? Monkeys?]. [More conclusion bulls***t] [Something about Indiana Jones?!] Works Cited [TO BE EASYBIB-ED AND ALPHABETIZED BY AUTHOR’S LAST NAME]
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Reasons to Interact Online Too comfortable in your Snuggie? Too wrapped up in your 8th hour of Breaking Bad? Can’t reach the pause button for Breaking Bad because you’re too wrapped up in your snuggie? Well, all of those things are great excuses to not interact with other people and stay home instead. It’s basically why the Internet was created, according to Al Gore. Here are a bunch of other reasons why it’s better to interact with friends online instead of in person: • You won’t have to smell your friend’s halitosis...and they won’t smell yours • Pauses can be strategic instead of awkward • You can show your friend your penis without investing in an expensive trench coat • The burning need to live up to the reputation of being the social media generation • No one can see your boner • Vibrating your vocal chords is too much effort • No pants required • Emojis are a great tool for communication- a smiling pile of poop says more than could ever be said in person • You can Wikihow situations before responding to them • No shirt required • Your prefer people not to know if you’re being sarcastic or not • It’s cold outside • On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a nudist. Nobody…
#ThrowbackTuesday The Punch Bowl has a long-standing relationship with the Insta-verse. Through a viral marketing campaign -- a virus on the Punch Bowl’s website that put unremovable hashtags at the bottom of all your Game of Thrones torrents #sorrynotsorry -- the Punch Bowl was able to get #throwbacktuesday trending to help people let out traumatic memories. Here are some of the more note-worthy results:
The Christmas music in the stores today reminds me of when my dad and I used to kill a hobo every Christmas Eve. #throwbacktuesday #nofilter #picstitch Watching Silence of the Lambs is making me all nostalgic about the first time I ate human. #throwbacktuesday
#selfie #throwbacktuesday to the time I was beat up in an alley and left to die by a bunch of masked men My first sofa. It was the first thing we bought together. And then you started cheating on me with my brother. I caught you making love one day when I came home from work. #throwbacktuesday
#throwbacktuesday to the time I sent dick-pics to my professor and he invited me to office hours
Self-Promoting LinkedIn Profile
We might like to joke around here at Punch Bowl, but at the end of the day we’re still highly interested in success. That’s why in honor of the Web Issue we spent countless hours pouring through LinkedIn in search of the brightest young entrepreneur of 2014. Heck — we’d hire him. Though to be honest, chances are we’ll all be working for him someday.
Wait, isn’t #throwbacktuesday actually #throwbackthursday? I don’t know anymore… the nurses have stopped telling us what day it is. Send help!
Famous Dick Pics
Before Snapchat, sending non-incriminating dick pics drunken texts was a hassle. You had to fumble with your zipper phone and send an image that would remain permanent until it was deleted. Fortunately, this allowed the Punch Bowl to collect photos of some of history’s most important schlongs. However, the powers that be said we couldn’t run most of them. Here are the Dick pics that made it through. Richard Nixon They didn’t call him “Tricky Dick” for nothing. Richard Branson Richard Branson. Dicks. Virgin. Get it? Richard Simmons It was a dick move even including this picture, but we couldn’t pass up any opportunity to make this magazine more “fabulous, ladies.” Richard Pryor There’s something very phallic about this image in particular, but we can’t quite wrap our fingers around it. 6
Richard III Wasn’t this a Shakespeare play? I should have read this. No wait, I should have looked up the summary for this. Well, if you want the apex of patriarchy, a king is a good place to start, right? Ricky Ricardo Ricardo is a bit of stretch, but this pic of Montalban might leave you wet and dripping. Moby Dick Why name the book something phallic if it’s about a whale? Am I the only one who read all 500 pages hoping for a raunchy sex scene. Oh well, I guess this picture is pretty hot if you look at it right. The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl
7. You’ve been on the Web long enough to know it’s hard out there for a startup. Mom and Dad keep trying to talk you into selling out, but you don’t need no corporate sponsor. Your weird idea might just nab a niche of hipsters who eschew the mainstream platforms to hang with you, the lizard petting zoo of internet newcomers. You’re going rogue on the ‘net, and even if you crash and burn, the fallout is going to be glorious. This time, you’re going #nofilter.
5. It was cool being popular at first, you had your moment in the sun. But sunlight leads to acne breakouts, and pretty soon you find yourself slipping down again into social irrelevance. Sure, people use you, but who are those people? People with metal sporks, people who listen to Katy Perry for the lyrics, people who you’re deeply scared are just like you?
4. “I just don’t understand what they’re playing with these days.” If you have any luck, these will be the words of parents describing their children interacting with your product. You see your creation as the new cool kid from California who knows how to skateboard and smoke reefer. By this point you may have also realized you have no idea what constitutes “cool” anymore.
3. It’s your first day at school and some of those big kids don’t like sharing toys. Facebook and Google seem like the biggest bullies, but you soon realize there isn’t anyone willing to share a ball with you. Except MySpace of course, but he’s a freak.
2. The birthing process resembles that of a child, in that it will only be possible with the help of friends, food, and tons of drugs. But when the product is out there in the open, the maternal instincts kick in before you can even Instagram it. This is your baby and you’re going to make sure it grows up right.
hing the t
8. You’ve finally made it. It’s time to hone yourself into something cooler, more mature, less… gross. It’s time for MySpace to shake off the creeps and blossom into a more attractive selfie platform, Facebook. Time for Perez to move from not-news to almost-news and become Huffpost. If you can make it to graduation, you might just be able to be taken seriously some day.
e SC caus
9. There comes a point in everyone’s life when you realize what makes the world go ‘round. And it isn’t grad degrees. This’ll be when you’ll do what you would’ve called “selling out” five years ago, but is now just “life.” The ads come in, welcome to the real world.
banana for scale
1. Everyone knows the friend who has “the idea.” The friend who saw The Social Network and suddenly thought that as long as he was a douchebag, he could make it in technology. Well most of the time these ideas float around like useless sperm, but every now and again they meet the egg. And so the journey begins.
wow, such funnie
13. You knew it happens to everyone, but somehow you never really accepted that it would happen to you. The crackling voice of a grandmother asking her grandchild, “How do I use this?” spells doom for whatever hope of relevance you thought you had. You don’t fight it now, you just accept it and wait for There’s a Wikipedia the grandmother to realize the computer has to be plugged page about you in before she can use you.
Parents are using you
A lot of people think that everything you know and love is over once grandparents are your only clients, but that’s just not Grandparents quit true. There is life after death, and right after you using you say goodbye to your last line of HTML and take a long look at your visitor counter, the Microsoft paperclip will be ferrying you across the river Styx and Grand directing you to the next stage: parents still heaven, hell, or purgatory. use you
Ancient Big Stories
12 Apostles Who Are Better Friends Than You 8 Things Only Serfs Understand
300 Egyptian Slaves That Are Working Harder Than You
If you screw the Lord of the Manor out of his taxes, you’re gonna have a bad tithe.
17 Ways To Tell If She’s A Witch She’s got the devil in her heart.
The 21 Saddest GIFs of Pompeii Being Buried
19 Ways To Know You’re Liuvigild, King of the Visigoths
Fear and hopelessness abound.
5 Lance Moves That Will Change The Way You Think About Jousting It’s not the size of the lance…
40 Ways You Know You’re A 0090’s Kid When I was your age, we were still a Republic.
10 Plagues That Will Restore Your Faith in Yahweh
Alternative Kickstarter Ideas Now is your chance to donate money to people just like you who have great ideas! Below is a list of alternative kickstarters that we feel will be a real success. Make your pledge today!
Need $10,000 to be an accomplished serial killer 1) Pledge $1,000 and you’ll receive my signature (I’ll be famous one day) 2) Pledge $3,000 and you’ll get a VIP pass to my future jail cell 3) Pledge $5,000 and you’ll receive the head of my first victim (Se7en style) Need $1,000,000,000 to become extraordinarily wealthy 1) Pledge $10,000 for a free “I survived Splash Mountain” T-shirt 2) Pledge $20,000 for a $100 Sweetgreen gift card 10
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3) Pledge $30,000 for a leopardprint Snuggie Need $40,000 to start a functioning Ponzi scheme Tupperware party business 1) Pledge $10,000 and you’ll receive 50 free Tupperware bowls! 2) Pledge $20,000 and you’ll receive a free lifetime supply of Tupperware bowls! 3) Don’t tell the cops about the Ponzi scheme and I’ll split profits 50/50 Hello I am a Nigerian Prince who needs help from you, yes you. I need $50,000 to flee to U.S. of America where I can re-
paye you pleaze help my life is in danger 1) Give me $5,000 and I give you real African beads 2) Give me $10,000 and I give you your very own African virgin 3) Give me $50,000 and I stop harassing you with emails Chinese government: we just need an extra $1,000,000 to buy America 1) Pledge $30,000 for your very own Chinese factory worker 2) Pledge $50,000 and we’ll give you Vermont 3) Pledge $100,000 and we’ll give you Barack Obama 11
Don’t forget to check out donour ’t forget to check out a corporate sponsors!
Transcript Of Incognito’s First Therapy Session
few words from our sponsors!
Therapist: If you don’t mind Incognito, could you tell me something about yourself? A little personal history perhaps? Incognito Man: History! Don’t talk to me about fucking history, doc. Nah, my history ain’t the kind you can erase with a mouse click. These cookies are here to stay. T: Well, um, your background then? IM: Sure doc. I started off as a cop, and I was damn good at it. I’ll tell you, there wasn’t a minority in my neighborhood who wasn’t scared shitless whenever I came by. Well, one day the chief said there was an opening for detective over at Chrome. I took the job, and I remember thinking it was weird that nobody else applied. Now I understand why. T: Could you elaborate on your time at Chrome? IM: Well, it was weird from the get-go. I had to deal with some real perverts in my old precinct, but this place made that seem like the fucking Teletubbies. I remember that my favorite animal before the transfer was the octopus. Let’s just say that changed within a few weeks. T: Could you elaborate on the octopus? IM: No. I won’t elaborate on the octopus. I won’t elaborate on the horse. And I sure as hell won’t elaborate on fucking Dipsy. T: Um, Dipsy? IM: Yeah, you know, the green one, with the rod coming out of his head. T: Right…so, what exactly was your job over at Chrome? IM: That’s just it. The chief told me all I could do was watch, that I was there just as “the eyes for the station” or some
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bullshit. And the worst part was the plain inconsistency of it all. Sometimes I just watched people shop or stalk a friend of theirs innocently, then without any warning I’m suddenly face to face with a veiny, throbbing…it was horrible. T: It doesn’t sound like whoever came up with the job really thought it through on a conceptual basis, does it? IM: Clearly. But I mean some things just don’t make sense. Murder. Rape. Why the sun in the Teletubbies has a baby’s face. None of it makes sense. T: The sun in the…? Well, uh, yeah, of course. Do you think you’ll be going back? IM: You ask like I have a choice in the matter. Do you know I’m on duty right this second? That at any moment during this session I might get called back into action? How would you like it if you could just be pulled out of this office at any second of the day to watch some bizarre sex-show that you can’t even be sure is legal? T: They make you watch porn? IM: Porn, Facebook, Twitter, Chat Roulette, Teletubbies, it’s all the same at its core isn’t it? Voyeurism or whatever. It’s enough to make you sick. T: That’s very true Incognito. It’s good to see that at least you’ve remained perceptive through this trying experience. Just one more question, where exactly does Tele–? IM: Oh, sorry, that’s my cue. I think it’s just a standard subreddit job, but you can never be sure. You know, what I fear most isn’t what I could see, it’s that I might get used to it. See you, doc.
Amazon’s “You May Also Be Interested In”
While Amazon.com’s famous “also interested in” algorithm often pairs buyers with other fantastic products in which they may have a genuine interest, it does occasionally suffer from “technology hiccups.” As the holiday e-shopping season comes to a close, we at the Punch Bowl would like to share some of our favorites we’ve come across. You bought: “Game of Thrones DVD Box Set: Seasons 1-3” You might also be interested in: A Song of Fire and Ice Complete Book Set; How to Deal with Loss by Melissa Wiengart, Ph.D; Recovering from Depression by John S. A. Donahugh Ph.D; I’ve Seen too many Floppy Penises: A Biography by Betty White? You bought: “Bluetooth Headset” You might also be interested in: 3 Piece Armani suit, Gold Cufflinks, “I Survived OCR” T-shirt, a Crate for Your Ego, your Father’s Affection (out of stock)?
You bought: “Jumbo Family Pack Kleenex Tissues” You might also be interested in: Durex Lubricant, Crippling Shame When Your Roommate Walks In, Your Newfound Sexuality? You bought: “Xbox One” You might also be interested in: a PS4 instead? Seriously.
You bought: ”Large Oversized Vintage Sweater” You might also be interested in: Skinny Jeans, Pre-Weathered Boots, Large Frame Eyeglasses Designed to Look Reminiscent of Raybands, a Record Player, Greatest LP’s of the 70’s Collector’s Set?
You bought: “Big Bang Theory Season 9 on Blue Ray” You bought: “Shovel” You might also be interested in: a Sense You might also be interested in: 1988 of Humor, a List of Legitimate Dodge Caravan, Hatchet, Chlorox Comedy Shows, 100 Hour Footage Bleach, Sulfuric Acid, Home Garden- of Paint Drying, Friends Complete ing for Dummies? DVD Box Set?
If President Gutmann And Provost Price Used Yahoo Answers...
Questions from DontMessWithProvostPrice
Am I allowed to buy the sun? Every time I step outside, the damn thing is just sitQuestions from QuakerbetchAmyG ting in the sky! Like it’s mocking me, all big and yellow and hot. I’ve started only going out at night, the How do I use “twerk” conversationally? I keep hearing all this talk of ”twerk,” but I’m not ex- darned thing is so bright! It practically burns me. I’ve actly sure how to use it in a sentence. Is it a verb? Is it a tried sunscreen, parasols, capes and hoods, hanging thing? Is it a place? Do you do it when interacting with out in dark places, you name it. I know you can buy out someone? Should I twerk in normal converation? Help other things, like for instance the garlic industry, my wife’s family’s farm, and assorted cross-shaped object appreciated, thanks! producers. As an aside, buying out the Church was a Are Key & Peele the same person? lot harder, way more bidders. I know there’s a show people are getting into with a “Key & Peele” in it, but are they two different actors How do I instill the fear of God in children? or the same guy? Is it like when Lindsey Lohan played I’m not necessarily looking to instill the awe of God in two different characters in The Parent Trap? Is it a them, or devotion to Him in particular. I just find that a mirror trick kind of thing? It’s just, they both look the healthy fear of an invisible, all powerful deity who’s always watching you is an effective disciplinary tool. I’ve same to me. Thanks! tried promoting a fear of a punitive boogey monster, Will poor people stain my pantsuits? If so, where can I but I don’t believe it will be as powerful as manipubuy pantsuits in bulk? lating an established metaphysical belief system. Any I have to deal with poor people a lot. On my way to the tips or tricks? office yesterday, one of them actually touched me. It was an honest mistake, but that’s never happened to Is it too late to jump on the feudalism bandwagon? me before. I was able to get the mace out of my blazer I seemed to have found out about this too late. On the in time (I’m pretty good at this by now), but I noticed face of it, it really seems like an effective economic my slacks had a smudge on them. Should I invest in system. I have land, I want to reap crops from other a poverty apron of some sort? Is there some sort of people’s labor, this just seems like a good investment pantsuit warehouse where I can buy in bulk? I’m worried. for me. Does anyone have any with experience in this? 14
A Peek Inside the NSA’s Gmail Account
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Bad Times To Reply-All
Wait! Did I just reply all?! We’ve all had that “oh shit” moment at one point or another. Fortunately, Punch Bowl planted staff members in every listserv on campus to capture those priceless moments and preserve them for all eternity. Here are the best ones from the 2013 fall semester.
Listserv Name: Kings Court English House 2013/2014 Subject: Re: Hall event tonight: Almond milk and kale cookies courtesy of KCEH dining hall! Reply-all message: We’re the one on Sansom, right?
Listserv Name: Penn Dems Subject: Re: Speaker on wealth inequality tonight! Reply-all message: I would totally go if you hadn’t scheduled this right during my Goldman interview!
Listserv Name: DP Writers Listserv Subject: Re: DP full staff meeting tonight Reply-all message: I go to sleep every night wondering why DP Dough got shut down instead of this DP.
Listserv Name: College Republicans Subject: Re: Speaker on women’s issues tonight! Reply-all message: We’re just doing this so people don’t call us sexist, right?
Listserv Name: AA Philadelphia Listserv Subject: Re: AA meeting tonight, 37th and Walnut Reply-all message: You up for Quizzo at Tap House after the meeting? Buy one get one free cocktails!
Listserv Name: All Undergraduates Subject: Re: Message from President Gutmann Reply-all message: My Dearest Amy, you are the light of my life. Just seeing your name in my inbox makes me catch my breath. I know I am only a freshman, but I am eternally devoted to you. Although my love is forbidden, I cannot deny it. I long to be with you. Meet me below the 38th Street Bridge tonight at midnight if you feel the same.
Listserv Name: Quad Residents Subject: Re: Free cookies now in Class of Bishop Graduate Birthday ‘25 Reply-all message: I’m lost, please send help. www.thepunchbowl.net