Volume XCII Forks in Residence
Editors-in-Chief Meg Harding Jeffrey Silver Abstract Paintings of Spoons
Daniela Bucay Design Wizards Miguel Davila Max Levy ‘17 Daniel Gelfarb Tiff Pham Daniel Gillis ‘17 Theo Trampe
MANAGING EDITORS Sam Anthony Sam Anthony Zac Endter ‘16 Noah Goldman ‘17 Bart Buurman Kishan Patel ‘17 Mike Coyne Matt Solowey ‘17 Luke Hoban Susanna Buff ‘18 Tom Nowlan Iman Charania ‘16 Myles Wolfe
BIG SPOONS David Cantú ‘15 Zac ‘15Endter Michael Fortunato ‘15 Dan ‘15Gillis ‘15 Goldman Noah ‘16 Claudia Hogan ‘16 Laberee Nora ‘16 Loud Daniel ‘16 Amanda Prager
‘18 ‘16 ‘18 ‘16 ‘16 ‘18 ‘18 ‘18 ‘18
LITTLE SPOONS Jonah Arnheim Ezra Brooks Stephan Cho Celine Cumming Ben Greenberg Scott Rubenstein Bill Saunders Andrew Stachel
‘19 ‘19 ‘19 ‘19 ‘19 ‘19 ‘19 ‘19
‘16 ‘17 ‘17 Michael Coyne ‘17 Matthew Kelemen ‘17 If you like to see Davidwould Cantù ‘18 your name on this, make sure to check Jeffrey Chen ‘18 our Facebook and Twitter page (@thepunchbowl) and get on Michael Fortunato ‘18 our Amanda listserv for updates‘18about staff meetings! We can bE reached Prager
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Well SAC, somehow we survived the year 2015. It had its ups (that group project we crushed together) and its downs (that time you spilled all those Saltines in our room), but I think we can come out of this year stronger than ever. But for real, if this relationship is going to last, we’re going to need to talk about your Saltine addiction. It’s driving a wedge between you and your friends and family, and we’re not sure if there’s anything we can do
about it. We can’t keep coming home to find the white powder cracker crumbs all over the floor of our apartment. It’s really affecting your health, and we’re starting to worry. Saltines are supposed to help you when you’re sick, not give you nose bleeds. We’re also pretty concerned that we never actually see you with Saltines, where are you hiding them? Maybe if you shared with us, we’d be able to calm down, but right now we’re just not sure.
Copyright Punch Bowl 2015. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead, or living-dead, is purely coincidental.
Dear Children, Because that’s what you are. Kids. Born in the 90s? Please — the only true 90s kids were 90s adults like me. By the time that shit-show of a decade closed out I had done more blow and kissed more babies than most of you will in your entire life. Everyone’s always asking about my unprecedented degree of success and also about my timeless good looks. My secret? Blow…. And also babies. Who doesn’t like a cute baby? Although few of you were sentient enough to partake in those bygone days, the 90s were a time of hope, a time of despair, a time of comedy, a time of tragedy, a time to learn, a time to profit, a decade in which rap music prospered, a decade in which AIDS also did prosper, a time to push boundaries, and a time to crawl into a shell and figure out how to pass time without Netflix. Seniors probably look back at the 90s and think about cartoons, hide-and-seek, and Tammy from kindergarten. She was a total babe. Juniors likely reminisce about better days – lollipops, and still getting away with peeing the bed every now and then. Sophomores might look back fondly upon days of Lite Brite masterpieces, and SAT prep. And freshmen... Are freshmen even considered 90s kids? Obviously individuals born after 1997 scarcely possessed object permanence until the 2000s. Freshmen — I’d advise that you don’t even try to think too hard about it because you’ll probably just get a mixture of empty spaces and memories of up close views of your mother’s teat; the mammary gland from which you gleaned the initial privilege you’d become accustomed to in later years. But I digress, who am I to tell you what to do, and how to remember? I’m just the one who spent the decade redefining political philosophy, and teaching at a small school just about an hour northeast of here. What’s really important is that we focus on the present. The Penn Fund is the single most important component of our goal to expand Penn’s reach in the professional and academic world, as well as its physical hold on West Philadelphia. Every dollar counts, and helps in our westward expansion to 44th street and beyond. It should be clear that both our University’s manifest destiny as well as earnings potential lies in your hands, and more specifically within the checkbook that’s in your hands. Please don’t confine Penn to a “bubble” or “border.” Instead, fantasize about a Penn whose reach extends beyond 44th Street. Once this is the case (and it will be the case!), the Dining Dollars you overpay for now will also be spendable at restaurants like Honest Tom’s, Tampopo, and Ethio Café, simply adding to our University’s existing collection of fine, cultural cuisine! Penn, as an imperial Ivy League institution, must take initiative in propagating ideas and ideals that are pivotal in our nation’s success. But alas, I know that you students are just as likely to donate to the Penn Fund as that young Cambodian bellhop was to not stay for that drink after helping me with my bags. The only students with money to give are those with Goldman or Bain offers, whose signing bonuses are burning holes in their miserly little pockets. Honestly though, who am I to say that you shouldn’t spend that money on something that will derive immediate happiness before your start date — like a jetski or a fleet of nanobots. Just kidding, give to the Penn Fund, or else!
Amy Gut mann
President Amy Gutmann
Message me baby one more time, I’m away right now ;)
BRB, trying to become an Animorph
Hiding from my furbies, ttyl
I loveee doin u on my desk...ur so HARD...I can’t wait to do u 2nite
OMG I was talking about HOMEWORK u sicKoO!!!
if I don’t reply page me
You’re a virgin who can’t drive, go away.
BCNU RSN QT, CUL8R
need NoNvIoLeNt solutions to the post-80s GeOpOlItIcAl tension
%n is such a BITCH, message me for details, UNLESS you’re %n.
“trying to finish this math hmwrk ugh idk lol roflcopter focl”
Come my lady/come come my lady/you’re my butterfly/sugar baby
Boy Bands and YOU! 1.
Find a Sugar Daddy, preferably Lou Pearlman
The hardest part of this is assigning the roles. We all think we are Justins but sadly a lot of us are really just JCs. The good news is, as a cover band, you can focus on the highlights of the music of the band you are covering and not have to play anything terrible like “On the Line” or “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” In addition, you don’t have the burden of trying to create your own awesome music.
In order to get into the business, you need to have a connection. Lou Pearlman is the man you need. He formed and supported Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, OTown, LFO, Take 5, and 8 other boy bands. His code names, Big Poppa and Incognito Johnson, scream, “I know what I’m doing when it comes to getting 5 guys to harmonize in high pitched voices about generic women.” Simon Cowell is a decent replacement.
Get coordinated outfits
Learn some sweet dance moves
Tighter is always better. Keep in mind, talent doesn’t sell tickets, whereas 5 semi-attractive guys in revealing clothing actually probably won’t either, but it certainly won’t hurt! The Carlton is not a sweet dance move. Learn better ones. Practice makes perfect. You do not start out good at synchronized guy group dancing. Pro-tip, don’t practice in front of your dad. Corollary to the pro-tip, don’t tell your dad you are in a boy band until you are successful. The “dad, my 4 closest guy friends and I are going to sing and dance together in coordinated outfits” conversation never ends well.
Get really good at lip-syncing
Obtain fangirls/guys (we don’t gender discriminate)
Make a music video
Get a cool name
You want something that says, “we are just a couple of dudes having fun in the straightest way possible.” A classic option is to take a word and misspell it so it becomes a pun like “Innosense.” A good example for inspiration is “Sax Appeal” if your band has saxophones, or just trouble spelling.
Consider being a cover band
Let’s be honest, the chances of you actually singing your songs are low. Think about it, does your voice even begin to compare with Justin’s or even Howie’s? No. The best option is to get some good autotune and some even better lip-syncing skills. Instead, focus on your dancing. If the Backstreet Boys rejects in NSYNC can get fans, you can too! Yes, your family can be a part of your fan club. Yes, your cat can be a part of your fan club. No, your cardboard cutout of Justin Timberlake cannot be a part of your fan club. Use “Bye Bye Bye’s” music video as inspiration. And remember, a couple of women in your video can make your dad respect you and your art more.
Make your mom proud
You will not make your dad proud. But you definitely have a chance with mom! So go out there and be great! Or even just mediocre! But definitely be something! And remember whether you are terrible or just average she will love you anyway.
THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
North Korea: A history
1. Supreme Leader Kim-Jong Il defeats President George H. W. Bush in a Dance Dance Revolution contest, obtaining nuclear launch codes. 2. Kurt Cobain succumbs to the weaknesses of Western culture. 3. Sleeper agent Monica Lewinsky successfully infiltrates the American government and wreaks havoc. 4. Kim-Jong Il singlehandedly holds up the Berlin Wall against thousands of others; it is still there to this day, despite what the German and American governments say. 5. Nas’ Illmatic was named for Kim Jong Il. 6. In fact, Kim Jong Il was a major influence for all seminal rap groups of the 90s, especially NWA. His stage name is The Kim Jong Illest. 7. Amazon Prime comes to North Korea 20 years early. 8. North Korean engineers invent AOL. 9. North Korea invades and installs a shadow government in Kuwait. 10. Kim Jong Un overrides puberty, being birthed with fully dropped balls. 11. After losing 4 straight Super Bowls, the Bills name KimJong Il head coach. They have not lost a Super Bowl since. 12. North Korea does not develop a nuclear weapon. Nope, definitely not. Move along. Nothing to see here.
13. Kim Jong Il writes, directs, and stars in American film Pulp Fiction. 14. Kim Jong Il gives Leo DiCaprio hairstyle tips for Titanic. 15. North Korea gains 70% market share of slap bracelets. 16. Glorious Leader Kim Il-sung did not die but merely ascended to a higher plane of existence to find the truths of life for his people. He has yet to find his way back, but he’s on the way. We know it. He’ll be here soon. We promise. He can only do so much!
SEXIEST MEN of the decade Newt Gingrich
Words drip like honey from porky, tender lips: his tongue reaches our ears, teasing us with his firm, steady policy, shutting down our government, shutting down our will to resist. What mysteries lie in store for us within that starched suit, under those cushiony folds of manphibian flab? In an act of criminal understatement, Time magazine named him 1995 Man of the Year. We’d like to finally give him the credit he deserves, Sexiest Man of All the 90s.
You’re lying if you try to tell me this football headed fiend didn’t awaken your sexual desires. His catlike grace, his green jellybean pool eyes, and his cornfield colored hair epitomized the Male Form in a fourth grader. If I could, I too would collect pieces of chewed gum just to have an effigy of him to hold as my own. Not knowing his last name only adds to his mysterious vibe - who is he, really? Would he be capable of holding you close at night? Would he sing to you softly, just like you imagine? Why must you only hold him while you dream? It matters not - Arnold, you sultry preteen, you make all of our girlhoods tremble.
Ode to Bill Nye
Oh Nye, you are the apple of my eye. To think of being without you, I cry. I think we have chemis-try I want to explore our biolo-gy Let’s do it like we’re mediterranean fruit flies, Your lab is my version of Versailles, I think of you, and I sigh. All I desire is to lie With you, and think of our time together as we die. I hope this poem makes you reply. Otherwise, this might be goodbye. (It won’t) Your Science Rules my world.
THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
Things You Thought Were In the 90s... but they’re not “Who Let the Dogs Out” (2000) The Number 89 (89) Winona Ryder Shoplifting (2001) “Oops I Did it Again” (2000) Monsters, Inc. (2001) Harry Potter and the Sorcers’ Stone (2001) “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy (2000) Everything that happened “10 years ago” in 2015 Microsoft launches Windows XP (2001)
Only 90s Kids Will Remember: 1. Running home from school to catch Backstreet on TRL! One Direction, who? 2. Needing to keep Tamagotchi alive during the school day.
Dora the Explorer (2000)
4. Having your AOL dial-up disconnected whenever your mom made a phone call! Talk about buzzkill!
The fall of the Berlin Wall (1989)
5. Also, dial-up speeds. ‘Nuff said.
Air Bud World Pup (2000)
9. Getting Pogs stuck in your butt. Cut. It. Out.
Tiananmen Square protests (1989)
10. Sitting in class after getting spanked by a slap bracelet. Talk to the hand!
11. Breaking your light-up Sketchers by going too hard in hop-scotch.
The Great War (1914) Playstation 2 released (2000)
12. Realizing you’ll be this broken inside for the rest of your life! Whoomp, there it is! 13. What if I find connection on this loveless earth! What if I don’t! Like, as if! 15. Trying to figure out which Spice Girl your dad is most attracted to (Baby Spice). 16. Pretending to be attracted to Britney Spears to hide your sexuality but actually having a huge crush on Mr. Bean.
THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL
It should now look like this.
Fold all four coners so that the points meet in the middle.
Te Yel le lo tu w bb y
8 It should look like this. Flip it over.
Fold up all four corners so that the points meet in the middle.
d by e R ub et l Te
Confucius say: early bird gets the worm, but night owl gets his nut
You will live in a nice house with 3 kids, a loving spouse, and 4 musk -rats!
n y ee bb Gr tu le Te
There is a ceremonial blood orgy in you near future
Have you ever tried doing a handstand? I think you can pull it off.
Your lucky number is 666,666
She will be obedient to him even Start digging, as Sarah was folks! obedient to Abraham, calling him lord
2 Place the printed side down and crease diagonally.
T Pu e le rp l t e u b b y
The atomic mass of sulfur is 32.065 u ± 0.005 u
Now fold the top back.
Work your fingers into the forners from the fold side to form the points.