Volume XCIII Forks in Residence
Fall 2016
Issue Two
Editorial Staff
Editors in Chief Bart Buurman ‘17 Susannah Buff Jeffrey Silver ‘17 Mike Coyne Abstract Paintings of Spoons Daniela Bucay ‘18 Luke ‘15 Hoban Tom Nowlan
Managing Editors ’17 Ezra Brooks ‘17 Celine Cumming ‘17 Ben Greenberg
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Miguel Davila ‘15 Design Lord Little Spoons Daniel Gelfarb ‘15 Little Spoons Tiffany Daniel Pham ‘17 Michelle Cossette ‘19 David Cantu ‘18 Gillis ‘15 Michael Schwoerer ‘19 Stephan Cho ‘18 Theo Trampe ‘15 Warden of Cartoons Sam Anthony ‘16 ‘20 Michael Fortunato ‘18 Jacob Faber-Rico Jonah Arnheim ‘19 Zac Endter ‘16 Loud ‘20 Daniel ‘18 Mark Steiner Noah Goldman ‘16 Kishan Patel ‘16 Matt Solowey ‘16 Susanna Buff ‘17 your name on this, make sure to check If you would like to see Iman Charania ‘17 our Facebook and Twitter page (@thepunchbowl) and get on Michael Coyne ‘17 our Matthew listserv for updates‘17about staff meetings! We can bE reached Kelemen David Cantù ‘18 at thepunchbowl@gmail.com or through ESP. FOR OLD ISSUES Jeffrey Chen ‘18 AND MORE ARTICLES, HEAD ON OVER TO THEPUNCHBOWL.NET Michael Fortunato ‘18 Amanda Prager ‘18
Allgedgly, we are
The Punchbowl would like to thank S(uperP)AC for untraceable donations under, around, and through the table to our “worthy” cause. Due to their unwavering support, our exploitation of child labor has been kept to a healthy minimum, and we endlessly appreciate SAC for this. All the time we saved on email spamming readers for donations was devoted to numerous worthy causes: namely, Anthony Weiner erotic fiction. As George Orwell once said, “if liberty
means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear”. With the tight coupling of unpalatable jokes and the paralyzing realism of our decaying political system, we think we upheld this tradition of liberty to the fullest. Copyright 2016, anyone who copies this is a liar and will be sued after the election.
Copyright Punch Bowl 2016. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead, or living-dead, is purely coincidental.
al.
Dear uninformed electorate, So it’s come to this. After over a year of analysis, deliberation, and soul-searching, you hapless ballotcasters have picked Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton as your two options for President. Really? That’s the best you could do? In an election season that has focused almost entirely on rebelling against our nation’s “elites,” you have given yourself a choice between a shyster playboy businessman and a morally suspect spouse of a former president. This is what you call the democratic will of the people? Pathetic. That’s not to say that I don’t feel a good deal of kinship with both candidates; as you know, we (wo)men behind the curtain of society stick together and share quite a bit in common. Donald and I go back years, dating to the halcyon days in which he roamed Penn’s campus, acting in a suspect manner towards the coeds. I, of course, wasn’t here; I was off in Boston getting a real education at Hahvard. But, as he amassed a fortune off of the luster of a Wharton degree, he was more than happy to fork over a yuge amount of dough to his alma mater. Of course, he didn’t do it out in the open (lol ‘transparency’), but I can assure you that Huntsman Hall was funded almost entirely with money funneled from the Trump Organization. Why the hell else do you think we would have let three of his spoiled kids in here? Meanwhile, Hillary and I are BFFs going back decades. As fellow carpetbaggers residing in New York, I have attended several of her closed-door Wall Street speeches. I honestly don’t remember if they had any scandalous content; I spent the entire time trying to keep Bill away from the waitresses at the luncheon. (Hillary was not happy that they kept serving him appetizers; she claimed that there was a “vast chicken-wing conspiracy” to feed him hors d’oeuvres.) In any case, despite my deep personal connections to each candidate, I still don’t understand how the American people find their policies palatable. Build a wall? Just hire AlliedBarton! Make college debt-free? How the hell will I control my indentured minions? These are all half-baked ideas that will last as long in the Courts as a freshman at a HamCo pregame. So can’t I get a little bit of recognition? I have successfully run an organization with a $3 billion operating budget for over a decade with only minor hiccups. You students seems generally happy, and my donor base is more than happy to pony up (occasionally above-the-table) fundraising checks. And sure (like Trump) I don’t pay any taxes, but, as he says, that makes me smart. So, next time you attend an interesting lecture, take in the view from a highrise, or even just see a well-landscaped bush on College Green, think of me. Because I actually know how to be a competent President. I can competently run an organization without scandal, fraud, or overt slimy politicking.
Amy Gut mann
Thank me later.
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