Butterfield

TW // self-harm

Alone in the dark, Kean was on a mission he only knew about. Inside his favorite spot, a revolutionary machine was strategically designed. It was a novel idea no one could steal, so he never wanted to be intruded on by anyone unless it had been completed. Unluckily, someone seemed to be following him.

"Is anybody there?"

Kean’s voice sounded bothered when he waited for the intruder’s response. He was troubled by a noise disturbing his solitude. Then, he found out it was his best friend, Mei.

Mei had always wanted to follow Kean to his secret spot, so she hid behind the thickest tree trunk. She was curious why Kean spent his time inside a cavernous tunnel encircled by gigantic trees. For Kean, he spent his night digging through the hardened morass and devising electronic headgear for days to help him communicate with extraterrestrial creatures. He wanted solitude when the clock ticked at seven in the evening, but as sneaky as he thought he was, Mei caught him underneath.

“I’m sorry I followed you”

With her droopy eyes, he swiftly changed his irritated mood and shrugged it off. He directed her to his hiding place, his favorite place.

“Come, follow me," Kean invited.

“Where do we go? What is this place?”

“Shhhh… Just you wait.”

And they went to the end of the jet-black tunnel. A round and wide object, shaped like a satellite with airplane-like ears, reflected the light from the flashlight.

“What’s that big thing over there?” Mei asked. It sparked his enthusiasm.

“I made a machine, so I can stop the invasion of the Unknown.”

“Unknown?”

He nodded. Mei knew his abilities. She believed he could be the youngest scientist who could talk to and decipher the language of the creatures in the extraterrestrial world. She wished she could be with him when the time might come.

"What did they say?" Mei's curiosity made her stare at the electric nodes that adhered to his head. It could be a revolutionary machine, and to be the first witness would be an honor for her.

"Do you want me to put this on you?" Kean asked. He knew she would love to try it on.

Mei was eager to see what the creatures looked and sounded like. Kean was enlivened that someone finally appreciated his masterpiece because wherever he went, he felt unacknowledged.

Kean has always been interested in scientific theories and is a genius in class. Even with his early achievements, he felt non-existent. At school, his ideas were laughed at and responded to sarcastically. While at home, everyone pressured him. His dad was a NASA scientist, and he never had a conversation without his look of disapproval. He was authoritative. His mom was a busy astronomer, but she did her best to make time for his son. She was his only best friend. But two years ago, she died, leaving Kean alone with the constellations they spent hours staring at. Just like the Betelgeuse star completing an Orion, he felt fragmented.

After her death, Kean immersed himself in his computer, searching for undiscovered solutions to human problems. He strived for his father’s genuine attention, but still, he was distant.

He was dejected until he found close company with Mei, a fellow outcast. Sitting at the edge of the classroom, they talked endlessly while the teachers were discussing; as though they had their own world separated by a transparent glass. His friendship with Mei was exceptional because she seemed to replace his mom.

-

Kean woke up and was confused about where he was. His dad was the first blurry image he saw with his newly opened eyes.

“Son, are you up?”

‘Where am I?’ he asked himself. The last thing he remembered was the face of Mei. Nothing more. He wore a hospital robe, with his body lying on a soft mattress. He tried to open his mouth, but he failed. He remained only half conscious.

“How’s my son, Doc?”

Mr. Butterfield was worried, the glabella on his face wrinkled. Nonetheless, the doctor wanted to be honest.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Butterfield. Your son might need medication and therapy with his current condition."

A day ago, Kean was found inside their backyard tunnel electrocuting himself with his headgear. His father thought he self-harmed, but it was unintentional. Fortunately, he was brought to an emergency room right on time.

Mr. Butterfield always sensed something wrong with his son for always mumbling and laughing when in solitary, like he had an imaginary friend. He often spoke about being acquainted with the aliens and that he attempted to stop their invasion. Every time he conversed with his father, he would fidget and have unrelated answers to his simple questions.

He hinted that Kean might have schizophrenia, which his mom also had. When Mr. Butterfield consulted these symptoms, it was confirmed to be the disorder. Now, it brought his son harm.

Even though Mr. Butterfield was stoic and apathetic, he never wanted to lose another loved one again. After his wife's death, he realized he had lost an essential part of himself. His dream of being a renowned scientist sacrificed his relationship with his family. Losing a beloved transcended the feeling of being stuck in a black hole. His immersion in the vast universe made him forget to return to his own home. This time, he hoped to be a better father, but there was another battlefield he needed to confront– to bring back what had been shattered. His dreams now meant nothing when his most priceless treasure, his son, was distant and half-dead.

Note: An overuse of technology does not cause schizophrenia. Hallucinations and delusions are signs of schizophrenia (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).

—

written by Catherine Ugsang

illustration & layout by Lydeth Roque