THE CRAB

by Rachel Williams

I’m a Cancer Sun, Venus, and Mars. If you don’t know what any of that means, all you need to know is that Cancer is represented by the crab. So I’m very crabby.

Cancers are often notorious for retreating into their “shell,” their safe space, when threatened. This metaphor became relevant in my life this year after I went through a debilitating depression spell that started around December. It snuck up on me, and it came to a head in February. I was forced back into my shell to evaluate how I had gotten to this point of inability to function. I started medicating again, after an unsuccessful attempt in 2019, and took time off work. But, despite my best efforts to regain my sense of stability, I moved to a new apartment in March, so my world once again became unfamiliar and overwhelming. I had shed my old shell, and the new one didn’t feel like home yet.

I had to pause making plans, going to workout classes, even going on a walk or out to eat was feeling debilitating. I was so hard on myself for not doing anything, but really, not doing anything was what saved me and got me back on my feet. If I didn’t take a hard stop, I would have crashed. Who knows what would’ve happened.

Now, I’m trying to find the delicate balance of my new shell. I was unable to see the signs of the oncoming depressive episode, or maybe I just ignored them. Either way, I’m navigating how to advocate for myself. When to say no. I’m notoriously hard on myself, especially when comparing myself to others.

Living in New York is hard for people who sometimes just need to be home. My friends are always out and about, and sometimes I can’t keep up, but that didn’t stop me from trying. There is always some new exhibit to check out or a new restaurant you want to try. Telling yourself to stop and rest isn’t always easy, even if that is what you need. I still feel like I am getting back on my feet and trying to be gracious with myself in the meantime. But I feel myself alchemizing, and I know I will come out of my shell ready to enjoy the world again. And that the shell will always be there if I need it.