Winter Edition November 2016
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Political
Economics
General
SF History & Politics Science student shocked that heartfelt status of support for Clinton wasn’t enough to swing Florida
80 Likes on Erasmus Instagram doesn’t fill the void of crippling loneliness JS Law Student learns
College community somewhat disappointed that GMB did not remain locked permanently
Feature Top 10 Pranks Calls to Kieran McNulty on (01) 6468 435
The Piranha a political, economic, and general newspaper
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Winter Edition, November 2016 earthworms, insects and grubs on the floor of the AGM venue.
Uproar as Badger Elected Vice-Chair of DUCAC
NOTES FROM THE THRONE
The Piranha In-Depth
“I mean, I just don’t understand how it got in here,” explained Laura Brennan, former ladies harriers captain of DU Harriers and Athletics Club, and only other candidate running in the race for vice president, here was shock and “I mean, don’t they live out outrage at the recent in the countryside? Did it DUCAC AGM when it ap- take a bus to get here or peared that a large, feral something? Aren’t they rebadger had been elected ally aggressive?” vice chair of the Dublin University Central Athletic The badger (Meles meles) Club. seems to have entered the race entirely by accident, The badger, who beat out this reporter learned, its nearest rival by a good when a muddy paw-print twenty votes, seemed non- on a sheet of paper was plussed at its recent el- mistaken for an expresevation to power, focused sion of candidacy, instead as it was on foraging for of the track mark of a
T
Here we are, the week after Reading Week. You’ve done no reading, you’ve missed several job applications and you’ve ended up in Coppers three out of the last four weeks. Never fear, because the latest edition of The Piranha (which you are, right now, at this very moment, holding in your hands) is here to provide you with temporary respite from the stresses of the world at the expense of the most upstanding/social media active members of this little walled community. Unless, of course, you are one of these
chosen few lampooned in these pages, in which case you’re probably only delighted with the shout-out, so go away with yourself if you’re going to try to complain. This edition of The Piranha was produced against all odds, springing into life in a college term so devoid of drama that Trinity News has started inventing stories of electoral fraud just to keep itself relevant and University Times is publishing articles about cherry tree diseases. The SU sabbats don’t hate
short-legged omnivore in the family Mustelidae, which also includes otters, polecats, weasels and wolverines.
get allocations.”
“Chitter, chitter, growl, growl,” said the badger, when asked about its motivations for election, set“I mean, I really don’t tling down in a large pile know why everyone is just of DUCAC finance reports. When pressed about the sort of accepting this,” accusations of collusion Brennan continued, wea- surrounding its election, rily watching the badger the badger dodged the as it snuffled and shuffled question by retreating into around the room, “Bad- a large, subterranean netgers are incredibly ag- works of tunnels and cavgressive animals, I’m sur- erns that can stretch up to prised it hasn’t attacked 300m in length. anyone yet. I mean, I know the election was sort of a Other badgers were sought joke, but I never thought for comment, but as they people would take it this are nocturnal, and this refar. Badgers can run at porter didn’t want to get speeds of 25–30 km/h for their shoes muddy trackshort periods of time. That ing through the woods, is not a safe speed to con- none were found. duct a thorough examination of sporting clubs’ bud-
each other, the Hist hasn’t set itself on fire yet and Donald Trump is going to be President. The world has certainly changed, but The Piranha is always willing to rise to new challenges. As Christmas approaches, The Piranha has one wish – could everyone planning on running for the SU/societies please become more interesting in the next few months? We know who you are, and frankly you’re not going to get more than a minor paragraph in the election special unless you
start upping your game now. Please. Our entire existence is premised on in-jokes and petty feuds, and without the mask of "biting" satire, all we are is an unreasonably elite yet sub-optimal front for a pizza budget from Publications. A few incriminating photos is all we’re asking for. Your civic duties start here. If you’re very good, we’ll get Kieran to send you your very own kettle. Merry essay deadlines, H&M
SF Law Student Decides To Call It A Day After Being Spotted By Three Noted Lawheads on Berkley 1
“J
ob done! Atta boy, Paddy!” SF Law student Patrick O’Connor exclaimed internally while dropping his copy of whatever textbook everyone else seemed to be using back into Counter Reserve. “Goodbye, de Londras or whatever you are, you’ve served me well today,” he muttered as he stuck it back on the shelves.
a good start with a chance encounter with noted upand-coming BNOC Jessica O’Neill on the stairs. Brushing off Jessica’s confused half-nod response to his cheery “heya, Jess, how are you getting on?” as early-morning tiredness rather than her having no idea who he was, he was pleased to be so “in” with the Law Soc Social Sec. O’Connor’s day got off to O’Connor is hoping that
this new-found relevance will be remembered when LawSoc AGM comes round. “Jessica is great to hit the buzzers, but need to put a bit more work in with the senior cadre of law, the elusive old SS crew. This is why I’m trying to hit the library for a few hours every day, scope them out.” O’Connor remains true to his personal motto, adopted from a gym meme he
saw at 16, “put in the slog work, lad, and it always pays off.” His day of social climbing continued with a brief smile from Tom Cantillon across the Berkeley pit. However, it was after flicking through the third chapter of “Principles of Irish Property Law” that O’Connor really hit the big time, with Law Soc Audi-
tor Hilary Hogan asking him to take his chair off her coat. “She might have sounded annoyed, but you know what they say - it’s a fine line between love and hate!” O’Connor told Piranha in the Arts Block smoking area before scuttling away to offer Gavin Kiely a lighter and a back massage.
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Winter Edition, November 2016
1972
Watergate Scandal Breaks TN Editor Oisín Vince Coulter conceived
2016
Scandal as 30,000 deficit explained by Kieran McNulty’s purchasing of likes for new relationship status
2017
Fresher “not looking for anything serious right now” on Tinder has been considered for anything serious by women exactly 0 times in the past 6 years.
“I just don't like the idea of all these so called ‘trans’ people like, peeing where I eat my lunch, you know?”
Wind Waves & War Crimes: Controversial decision to move Surf Trip to Nicaragua goes South
“But I bought the REPEAL jumper. Why am I still getting friendzoned?”
2025
2050
Anti-neutral bathroom campaigner
Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt “So, what’s the plan for next year?” ‘’This Lucozade™ Student Counselling Centre will be such a benefit when undergraduates realise I’m literally shitting on their degree’’
Smug Adult Prick to SS Student
“My
Provost Patrick Prendergast
workload this year overwhelming”
is
Final Year student taking “My most used words on Facebook” quiz for the fifth time.
Male JF Computer Science Student
2050: God Himself speaks to the Phil
The Piranha
Address all frivolous complaints to: The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2. Editor-in-Chief: Hannah Beresford Deputy Editor/Designer: Manus Dennison
2036 - The Lecky Library is converted into one giant three-pin plug. All are welcomed into its Electrical Embrace
Writers: Darren O'Dowling Elizabeth McBride Orla Heatley Mark Finn Conor Nevin Alex Devine Hannah Colgan Will Dunleavy Shannon Buckley Barnes Claire O'Nuallain Niamh Lynch Úna Harty Miranda Priestly: Christopher Bowes Hare Coursing Correspondent: Tom Cantillon
2017 - Provost unveils the Denis O'Brien Inaugural Underpass (Formerly Nassau Street Entrance) after months of construction
just
The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do
with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
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Winter Edition, November 2016
Student Naming Initiative Launched by Provost I
social capital of the student in question, with society heads, sports captains and insta-celebrities costing the most, and those random people who only seem to show up whenever there’s an essay due, costing businesses the least. n an effort to prop up 50 students already ex- “It was difficult to get Trinity’s dwindling bud- periencing a forced name used to,” admitted Tolteget, the Provost today change. ca Brady, formerly Áine unveiled a new service, whereby business and in- “I think I’m getting off dividuals could pay to re- easy,” said Ryan “Dominame individual students nos” O’Meara, a third year dentistry student, “I was as they saw fit. only a third-tier rename, so they could only change The plan comes just my middle name. It was months after the terms Dermot anyway, so this and conditions of Trinity’s is actually a bit of an imstudent registration were provement. You should see changed, allowing for col- some of the others, they lege to claim the rights weren’t half as lucky.” over students’ name, education, job prospects, hap- The service, which aims piness, well-being, and to raise almost 40% of Brady, a first year BESS future in general. Despite college’s total revenue, student. “I mean, I’ve being launched only today, is banded into tiers de- only been in college a few a number of businesses pending on the degree to weeks, when suddenly, have already expressed which a student’s name WHAM! My entire identity an interest, with around is to be changed, and the was eroded by college au-
thorities. But after my parents’ legal challenge wore down and I found a new set of friends who didn’t crack up at my very existence, things have been pretty good. I’ve even gotten a job out of it! Yeah, it is working in Tolteca, but who doesn’t want free burritos?
“I don’t want to talk about it,” said The Shelbourne Hotel, A Renaissance Hotel, 5-star Luxury Hotel In the Heart of Dublin, auditor of Law Soc.
Provost Patrick Prendergast says that he is delighted with the uptake of the scheme so far. “This is what a real Trinity education is all about,” he said, pausing to pick up several hundred euro notes that had spilled out of his overflowing pockets. “Not a place to learn, but a place to be shaped into the man, woman, or corporate entity that you were always meant to be. It’s all inside of you! Right there! And entrepreneurship! We’re all entrepreneurs! Startups for some, corporate rebranding for others!” Our interview was cut short at this point, as the Provost had spotted an as-of-yet unnamed 3x3m patch of gravel off in the distance and had dashed off in search of yet another sponsorship opportunity.
Renovations Commence to Preserve Famed GMB Echo Chamber
T
wo societies both alike in indignity are reportedly joining forces, together with Estates & Facilities, to improve the acoustics in the GMB Debating Chamber to better the quality of discussion. The society leaders hope that the increasing echo can ensure that the dogmas student speakers propagate can be adequately bounced back into their own ears, and into the ears of those around them who already agree. “After 300 years of the Hist being derided for alleged sexism and the Phil for liking glitter, it’s great to see this synergy in action,” commented GMB Security man Joe, who is reportedly incredibly pleased about this move, as he is
frankly “so fucking done” with breaking up drunken slap-fights on the stairs over which society’s poster should get the more prominent spots. The beneficial effects of the renovations thus far can already be seen. At a recent debate, “This House Believes That Minorities Should, Generally Speaking, Be Helped”, noted Phil member Mark Sweeney, speaking for the fourth time this term, noted in his opening statements that “women are oppressed”. Slow murmurs of approval resonated throughout the chamber, escalating into rapturous cries of “hear hear!” When the ruckus died down, the speaker continued his speech with “oppression is bad.” This
statement was welcomed with a series deafening bangs on the chamber table, The ruckus continued for the entire seven minutes of the speech, perpetuated by the noise resonating back and forth off the walls of the chamber. The echoes of the student’s words bounced around for so long that time ran out before any of the opposition speakers could put forward their case. “It’s so great to be at the helm of an institution through which we can innovate like this to provide an effective platform for people to voice their opinions and ideas,” enthused noted GMB figurehead Matthew Mac Giolla Rua. “In this era of divisive discourse, we are proud to host such unifying dis-
cussions.” The Piranha is excited for the upcoming debates to be held in the newly-refurbished chamber, including “This House Believes that the Govern-
ment should Help People if it Can Afford To” and “This House Would be Nicer to Old People.”
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Winter Edition, November 2016
What's Hot // What's Not In The Eyes Of The Duty Librarians
The Library: the beating heart of all things Trinity. The Piranha went straight to the coolest kids on campus, the duty librarians, to get the low down on the latest and the lamest.
NOT
HOT
PUERTO RICANS: WHITEWASHING! ERASURE! TRIGGERED! There’s nothing like a good irrelevant controversy, and the Piranha has caught the whiff of a particularly pungent one wafting its way into our nostrils like the chemical waste they charge a fiver for in Yum Thai. The Trinity Musical Society - a known bastion of intolerance - have decided to stage West Side Story, a musical in which half the cast are Puerto Rican, as their premiere production. The musical remains, as yet, uncast, but we’re fairly certain there exists no heretofore undiscovered pocket of jazz-squaring Puerto Ricans within Trinity College. The moral high ground is there for the taking. Who will seize it? Our bets are that Trinity News will be all over this like feminists on a Judd Apatow film. DISCOMFORT: Everyone’s feeling it. Students seeking to avoid essay deadlines, artists shying away from unpopular issues, social activists unwilling to confront their opponents. It’s the new anxiety: a onesize-fits-all excuse to avoid doing anything that may push you in any way beyond your comfort zone. We here at the Piranha completely understand, though; who wouldn’t want to live in an ideologically enclosed bubble in which one’s only contact with an opposing worldview is mediated through the filter of the outraged social-media post of your similarly-minded friend? Not us… TRUMP: The merchandise writes itself. The waste disposal service: Donald Dump. The 90s-esque hairstyle: Donald Frump. The loveable Pixar character: Donald Grump. The fitness programme: Donald Jump. And finally, the yuppie-friendly bakery: Donald Crumpets. Anyone? Scoing… Scoing… Scone.
LIBERAL INTELLECTUALS: Congratulations, you have abjectly failed. Despite your countless social-media diatribes, thrice-daily “call-outs” and frequent cries of “institutionalised misogyny”, you have demonstrably failed to provide a political ideology which offers anything to the majority of people on either side of the Atlantic. But, by all means, remain barricaded within that intellectual ivory tower; we hope your life-sized cut-out of Bernie Sanders keeps you warm at night. SU CONTROVERSY: We are genuinely concerned. Are you still there, House 6? Are any of you still alive? If we don’t hear reports of a minor policy infringement in the next week, we will have no choice but to seek medical advice. But, seriously, not one lousy scandal. Not so much as an unnecessary taxi ride on the college account. We’re not asking for much. Just take a stand on something, anything! We’re genuinely running out of things with which to fill this paper. If this continues, we’ll have to start commenting on...real-world affairs. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT???!!! DEMOCRACY: Although we at the Piranha would like to respectfully remind you that we have never supported the deliriously naive political opinion that people should be allowed to decide things for themselves, there is something heartrendingly pathetic about watching a defeated enemy in the last throes of death. For surely, democracy has reached the end of it’s Barney and Friends-esque adventure in political optimism. If there is one consolation to be had, it’s that we were never much good at it anyway.
SMF Member to Place Entire Self-Worth on Upcoming Internship
investment bank” McKatie-O’Mahony said of his upcoming role. “It’s something for the LinkedIn, and Turkmenistan is up and coming, you know? The Economist recently said that it’s more of an autocracy than a dictatorship and that’s definitely an im“I mean Bank of Northern provement.” Turkmenistan is a very reputable bank, and I’ll As the weeks wore on totally be able to pull bet- without any offers from ter on tinder if I have that the Big Four firms, McKI am an intern at a global atie-O’Mahony’s sense of Paul McKatie-O’Mahony, SMF sector manager and SF BESS student has recently come to terms with the fact that his entire self-confidence rests upon the bedrock of his upcoming internship in Bank of Northern Turkmenistan.
self was increasingly whittled away. “There were mornings when I’d look in the mirror and just didn’t recognise the face staring back at me. I’d look around me and all my friends were sailing right through the group interview phase and into cushy little numbers in the Docklands, and what was I doing? Smoking rollies in the Arts Block and fading further and further into insignificance.”
Having exhausted the internship opportunities available in Europe, McKatie-O’Mahony started to look further afield. “Banking, it’s all about creativity. So I started stepping out of my comfort zone. Creative chaos, that’s the trick, and where better to learn about that than in a country listed by Human Rights Watch as one of the most oppressive in the world? Dynamic solutions to regulation problems
starts here! I knew when I saw Prince Sabirow Kemran advertise for internships on the TCD Freshers 2016-2017 page that I was onto a winner” When approached by The Piranha for more information about the internship scheme, sources at the Bank of Northern Turkmenistan rapidly hung up while shouting “no bank here, no no!” to the sound of gunfire.
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Winter Edition, November 2016
Lack of Snowfall To Have Little Effect On
Upcoming Ski Trip
The DU Snowsports committee is confident that the poor snow forecast will have little to no impact on their upcoming trip to Val Thorens. Drastic climate change, causing shifty winds and dodgy rays has resulted in a significant drought at the upmarket
ski resort and snowfall has yet to recorded. “We’re pretty confident that the region will be well dusted for our trip. It’ll be a winter wonderland for all our loyal skibunnies,” Captain Alex
Moore assured the Piranha. “There were concerns about snow last year but everyone was showered with the white stuff on their arrival. DU Snowsports never lets the punters down.”
intoxicating landscape, it’s amazing to share it with like-minded people and friends. By the end of the trip we were all leaping joyfully into piles of snow at any hour of the day”
The Piranha spoke to several students who went of the trip last year to get a feel for the upcoming trip. “I had never been skiing before, so mostly took my lines from the more experienced ski enthusiasts,” SF BESS student Fiachra O’Reilly told our reporter. “It changed a lot of things for me - the world is just so much clearer when blanketed in soft, white powder.”
DU Snowsports committee were keen to emphasise that they are dedicated to providing the most authentic experience for its members. “The advantage of Val Thorens is that they know what we are looking for. Some resorts offer this fake, synthesised stuff, shot at you from a cannon or something. DU Snowsports is only interested in the pure stuff. This is the real deal.”
“It was an incredible trip, I’m definitely going back this year,” according to JS Engineering student Caoimhe Sutcliffe. “There is nothing like waking up, stepping outside and inhaling that fresh, snowy air. Such an
The club is keen to share the wonderful world of snow with the Trinity community and all students are warmly welcomed to their next training session in the Turks Head.
Fossil Free TCD Launch Vicious Attack on Museum Building Fossil Collection
T
he Trinity community has expressed its “shock and horror” following a savage attack on the hallowed Museum Building by well-known fundamentalist insurgents Fossil Free TCD. The group took their Rainforest Alliancecertified clubs to the College’s Palaeontology Department in the early hours of Monday morning, leaving the Museum Building in a state of chaos. There were limited witnesses to the attack but The Piranha was able to track down several eye witnesses to the ferocious violence. One such onlooker, who requested anonymity, was in the 24 Hour Library at the time of the assault. “It was carnage, there were bones everywhere, I was almost hit in the head by an ammonite someone threw through the window. I just wanted to get my sociology essay
done, but these images will never leave my mind.” At this point the witness broke down, seemingly from the shock, horror and acute sleep deprivation. An extremist splinter group from the movement Rock Lives Matter, has become increasingly aggressive in pursuit of their political aims. Clashes with security have recently boiled over into protest and even violence, of which the latest attack is the most serious. A recent demonstration led to a state of emergency being declared between the Campanile and Rubricks.
The guerilla group is known for their belief in the oncoming apocalypse, preaching that this nightmare scenario can only be avoided by armed struggle leading to the ‘purification’ of the earth. They were first catapulted to international notoriety last year after the picketing of the premiere of Pixar’s The Good Dinosaur. A spokesman for the group described the film as ‘a clear piece of profossil propaganda, typical of the company’s ecologically reckless consumerist values.’ Unsubstantiated reports have also linked them with a recent cyber attack which led to the disappearance of all 14
editions of The Land Before Time franchise from iTunes. However, this latest attack is their most outrageous move yet. It is thought to be several million years before the majority of the relics can be adequately replaced. The group is believed to be emboldened by recent political successes. A statement from the group’s de facto leader, “Stormin” Aine O’Gorman, released exclusively to this publication, announced that the group is willing to “fight to the bitter end to scrub fossils from the record.”
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Winter Edition, November 2016
dumped the bags in the hostel and headed to the nearest bar. Couple of fishbowls in and oh let me tell you…” Prendergast trails off but winks extravagantly as he shovels some rice into his mouth. “Fucking CARNAGE,” he then When pressed for information spluttered, rice flying all over this about the new educational links mildly disgusted reporter. “Few the trip forged with Vietnamese eh, ghost costumes, if you get universities and the opportunities what I’m saying. Borrowed them this would offer for Trinity stu- from Katie Cogan. And then the dents, Prendergast’s eyes glazed strategic links really got going!” over. “Here, why don’t you call me BEER, BIRDS, BANTER: Inside the Provost’s Trip to Vietnam Prendo? All the lads do,” he said, Prendo was keen to stress the inoffering a chip from his 4-in-1. credible culture he experienced atrick Prendergast is a private Speaking to me across the table “This is some quality curry sauce on his trip. “Some of the bars, man. A dignified man. A man in Charlie’s (No. 3), Prendergast, and I know what I’m fucking talk- you could get like 6 Jägers for a who usually looks like his chief wearing a faded “TCD TAKE HO ing about.” tenner. That’s so different to Hargoal is to be a background shop- CHI MINH CITY” t-shirt and fumcourt street!” per in a George Clooney Nespres- bling with a frayed leather brace- When pressed as to who of the The interview concluded with the so ad. We are all familiar with the let, seemed at ease. “Myself and university faculty were involved Provost assuring The Piranha image of a robed academic talk- the lads, we usually book a trip in trip described by some as “one that his “totally sick” GoPro video ing about entrepreneurship and away every year, just the boys. It’s of the most important strategic would soon be available from the university rankings, but who is the important to get away from it all, links Trinity has forged this year”, Global Room and the TCD Alumni man behind the power tie? The listen to some tunes, recharge the the Provost immediately became Office. Piranha was granted exclusive batteries,” he informed this re- more animated. “Ah, the usual access to the man we all call Pro- porter in between bites of particu- gang! Myself, P-Geogo, Ronan “Between that and the the Instas, vost for a chat about his reading larly crispy piece of chicken.”We “Barry’s Tea” Lyons and Nevs- this college rebrand is right on week trip to Vietnam with the lads. usually hit up Ios or Maga, the ki Cox. We started fairly quiet, track.” classics, you know, but this year we felt like going somewhere a bit more exotic. The old reliables are fucking full of twats from NUIG and other so-called universities. Gotta keep the standards up.”
P
Student Who Can No Longer Afford To Pay Her Fees Comforted By The Fact That Her Alma Mater Has NOT ONE but TWO Well-Designed and Independent Newspapers
J
S Sociology & Social Policy student Eimear O’Fergal has expressed her “deep relief” at the continued existence of two student newspapers in Trinity even though she has been forced to suspend her studies for a year until she can afford to pay her fees. “I may have to take a year, maybe two years, working in a job that I loathe for terrible money until I can scrape together the funds to finish my degree, but at least if someone wants to write an article complaining about people wearing similar jumpers and ripped tights, they have double the chance of getting published.” When pressed by The Piranha as to her views on the necessity for two publications, O’Fergal had this to say. “I think they fulfil very different needs, you
know? TN forgo journalistic ethics and allow trash opinion pieces to circle freely, UT sticks to publishing what the SU tells them to. College needs both.” Inspired by O’Fergal’s dedication to hard-hitting independent journalism, The Piranha has compiled a list of the most important stories broken by UT and TN so far this year Truly, in the words of Henry Anatole Grunwald "Journalism can never be silent: that is its greatest virtue and its greatest fault. It must speak, and speak immediately, while the echoes of wonder, the claims of triumph and the signs of horror are still in the air."
"What role should colleges play in catering to our horticultural needs?" "Fees for universities and not ITs would test commitment to getting to the microwave just before it dings" "New teaching fellows to support implementation of swans" "Transferring course in Trinity is difficult, and the current process lacks gluten-free options"
The Piranha Want to get involved? Email piranhatcd@gmail.com
"In response to Trump, student activism should move from social media to topping up the Leap card by over 15 euro a month" "25% of men aged 15-24 have managed to close a button-fly one-handed, according to new report" "Exclusive: University Times exposé on which Front Square Cobblestones are the most irregular."