The Oxford Student | Friday 12th February 2016
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Screaming Spires
Cycling in Oxford: a recipe for death... THE TRAUMA BEGINS AT HOME
A recentlymaimed cyclist gives his advice Other motorists, pedestrians, tourists, and drunkards all have to be contended with on Oxford’s roads
Cycling in Oxford is a pain. But the trouble beings before one even begins to turn one’s pedals. More often that not, there’s something wrong with the bike, which often means one arrives at their commitment late and dishevelled. Not a good way to start the day. If only bikes were simple mechanical machines... OTHER CYCLISTS However, the real problems commence once one ventures onto Oxford’s streets. One of the principal hazards to be negotiated is other cyclists. Now, depending on what sort of cyclist you are, the threat level that other cyclists pose varies. If you’re a fast cyclist, one prone to doging in and out of slow traffic, other cyclists are just plain annoying they get in your way as you speed towards your essay on kingship during the time of the Hundred Years’ War. Perhaps a horse would be a
better means of transport... However, as a slow cyclist, one has to contend more with the phenonmeon of the arrogant pedestrian. But cycling on the Turl is always a recipe for disaster. Just because you want to see your mate from Jesus, doesn’t mean that you have licence to dash across the path - it’s still a fucking road! But above all, the ‘shit cyclist’ prize must go to him who overtakes you on a roundabout. Not only is it stupid, but we both know that I’m going to overtake you once we hit the Iffley Road, so seriously mate, there is really no point. TOURISTS As a cyclist in Oxford, one will be well accquainted with tourists. In fact, it is often said that it’s the best way to meet-and-greet them given the high chances of them walking out in front of you when you’re trying to bomb down the High on the way to sports training. To be frank, I don’t care that you want to go and take photos of the Radcliffe Camera, so long as you don’t attempt to
Why wait for Valentine’s Day? For some time now, we have been made all too aware that Valentine’s Day is approaching; the Christmas decorations had barely gone cold in their clearance bin grave before the next commercial extravaganza was shoveled upon us. For the past month I have barely been able to walk down Cornmarket Street without the stark reminder that the dreaded day is fast approaching, and I should find someone to love, ASAP. Now, I’m no bitter singleton having a moan because I secretly just really want someone to spend Valentine’s with. The fact that I do have someone is beside the point. My
gotten Netflix episode; you should be lighting candles or experimenting with new positions at the very least. Don’t get me wrong, this does sound great. But what if you’re just not feeling it? Perhaps you’ve eaten so much at your romantic dinner with your chosen one that it’s all you can do not to unbutton your trousers right there, not out of burning sexual desire, but to unleash the giant food baby bursting beneath your waistband? My plan to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day may well end with a similar scenario, except this time I’ll feel bad about it. Why? Because I have to have sex on Valentine’s Day. So maybe, even though I may well be feeling like a baby porpoise, I’ll have sex. It will
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take back a physical imprint of Oxford by walking out in front of me! PEDESTRIANS One might excuse tourists, who, unsued to British roads , and particularly the complexities of Oxford’s various one-way systems, can on occasion, be forgiven for their blunders. Yet there can be no such forgiveness for inadequate knowledge of the Highway Code on behalf of other students. But whether one is happily cycling along Broad Street, or crossing the perilous Broad/Catte/ Holywell/South Parks junction, pedestrians are almost guaranteed to step out in front of you, their head no doubt in some intellectually virtuous work. In some cases it’s almost safer to walk. And when, after numerous near misses, a couple of derailed chains, and an exchange of expletives with other Oxford-dwellers, one comes to lock up their bike. At which point, one discovers that there aren’t any free bike spaces left. Perhaps it was a better idea to walk after all!
Cliterary Theory objection to the day is the sheer amount of pressure it places on people. If you’re not with someone, you need to be, or risk s p e n d ing the day graciously accepting your smugly coupled friends’ sympathetic words through gritted teeth and drowning your commercially-manufactured sorrows with a monster tub of Ben & Jerries, because you hear that’s what single people should do on Valentine’s Day. If you are with someone, aside from you anniversary, Valentine’s is probably the one day of the year when you definitely should be having sex. Not only that, you should be having great sex. Forget the usual pre-bed quickie enjoyed to the soundtrack of your for-
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DOM APPLEWHITE
Best known for his work with Monty Python alongside John Cleese, Applewhite is a lifelong comedian, as well as a television and radio actor. His impressive resume has made him a househould name in British comedy, but few people know that he is credited with writing ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’. Just look at that smile! Keep up the good work, Applewhite!
ERIC IDLE
be average because I won’t be 100 per cent into it, so both of us will be left feeling dissatisfied and slightly miserable. To this, I say no. It’s 2016; I don’t need a day to tell me that I should have sex, or to make me feel bad if I don’t. Ideally, your sex life shouldn’t need the push of Valentine’s Day to keep the cogs whirring or to try out new things. Why restrict your sexual adventure to one measly day of the year? Be comfortable and honest enough with yourself so that you don’t have to hide behind or cower to the image of Valentine’s Day. If I’m in the mood for sex then I’m not going to wait for a specific date or time to have it, and equally, if I’m not in the mood for sex, I’m not going to just do it for the sake of it. Admittedly, Valentine’s Day can be a romantic occasion or a reason to make time for your significant other who can all too easily be neglected during the term time rush. Make of the day what you will, but don’t make of it what you don’t want to.
Often confused for prominent British comedian Dominic Applewhite, Idle was the child star of The King’s Speech, and is now a big name in university theatre, with several Playhouse shows under his belt. He’s always admired Monty Python - a confidential source tells us that he spent his childood years perfecting a silly walk. Sadly, he’s taken a break from acting to pursue his dream of studying for a degree in Music at New College.
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