theMQ.org
May 1, 2013
Page 9
Jennifer Lawrence Too Likeable:
Films to Include Gun Control
Resorts to Killing Puppies
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
BY ANDREW DENERIS
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I PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS
BY WESLEY CHAN
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B
eing universally loved by doting strangers is a dream come true for millions of young adults around the world — unless your name is Jennifer Lawrence. Tired of all the praise she’s been given for being “candid,” “witty,” and “genuine,” Lawrence has decided (under the direction of her PR firm) to film herself killing puppies in order to cultivate an edgier reputation, so as to not become typecast as America’s favorite sweetheart who also happens to be a total badass with bows and arrows. Such a move is being lambasted by the likes of the popular micro-blogging platform, Tumblr. “Animated .gifs of Jennifer Lawrence tripping, smiling, and doing anything else considered endearing or worthy of a ‘like’ are responsible for over 87% of our traffic and potential revenue,” Tumblr CEO David Karp said in an official statement. “The more puppies she kills, the less people will repost images of her.” So who gets reposted instead? “Second-tier heroes,” according to Karp. “No more Katniss from The Hunger Games; without a role model to look after, children will just reblog pictures of mediocre nobodies like Hawkeye and the Black Widow from The Avengers, or, God forbid, Aquaman,” said Karp. “Do you really want that to be the direction of our culture? Reveling a bunch of characters
and actors that have no lasting impression, nor any real superpowers?” Physicists say there is no reason to worry, however. According to cutting-edge research conducted by the renowned DeVry University, the amount of charisma that surrounds Jennifer Lawrence has enough gravitational force to pull in fans and non-fans alike — being a puppy-killer has no effect on that gravitational pull. This news was discouraging to Lawrence, who commented that she just wishes she could experience the same feelings that “normal” people experience, such as indifference from 99.9% of the world population, or even mockery from 95% of the human population, such as what happens to Bono (the other 5% are reportedly conflicted as to how to reason between his contributions to music and disaster relief efforts and his STD-inspired name). “It’s really surprising how much power her doe-eyed expressions, rosy cheeks, and quirky sensibilities have to pull in the attentions of people around the globe,” DeVry’s lead researcher Adam O’Malley said. “We’re now trying to find a way now to harness that energy into nuclear warfare.” At press time, Lawrence was reportedly quitting acting to go to college to pursue a degree in nuclear physics.
Hollywood Ends Racism: Centuries of Bigotry Unravel One Heartwarming Tale of Triumph at a Time
n support of the Obama administration’s bid for stricter gun control laws, the Motion Picture Association of America released a mandate demanding that all new films produced by U.S. studios “portray guns and gun-related activities in a manner consistent with proposed gun control laws currently before Congress.” In addition, the mandate states that some past films involving guns will need to be remade using these new regulations. “After recent gun-related tragedies, we here in Hollywood want to show solidarity with the gun control movement,” MPAA Public Relations Director Megan Wolff said in a statement on these new regulations. “And we’re feeling kind of guilty since the release of the third Gun Party Massacre sequel,” she added. “Plus, Americans only seem to learn things like moral values and spelling through film,” she stated. Filmmakers appear to be taking this mandate very seriously. Rolling Stone has received exclusive copies of scripts of extra scenes to be inserted in recent and blockbuster films. A Blu-Ray rerelease of Skyfall, for example, will feature a scene in which James Bond files paperwork for a background check and waits a week before receiving his MI6-issued weaponry. The Matrix will be modified such that characters using automatic weapons will not carry more than one magazine at a time. As a result, the movie’s climactic scene, a massive gun fight between Keanu Reeve’s character Neo and the Agents, will be shortened by about 5 minutes. Additionally, Keanu Reeves’ scenes will be reshot in order to remove his concealed weapons, as he is never shown to have received a concealed carry permit. President Obama’s press secretary Jay Carney reacted positively to these and other changes to classic Hollywood films due to the administration’s push for gun control. “Hopefully when the American public sees that our proposed gun control laws still allow for spellbinding action thrillers, they’ll be more supportive of our plans,” he said, “We’ve always been able to rely on Hollywood to support the liberal agenda, and these changes are no exception.” The movie-going public, however, seems more skeptical than Mr. Carney lets on. After a screening of a modified version of The Dark Knight, viewer Alan Rodman complained, “I can’t believe they actually showed entire, uncut scenes of Batman filling out and signing forms in order to hold the weapons that he uses in the movie. “I mean, he’s a masked vigilante for God’s sake, why does he give a shit about gun laws?”
TOP 100
Unnecessary Prequels
PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS
BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
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t is not uncommon to arrive at a movie theater box office to see show times for sequels, explosion-filled time wasters, and the perennial Oscar winner’s movie where he or she stars after working in a Malaysian sweatshop for six months to truly understand their character. Only infrequently do we see movies like 42, in which Harrison Ford plays an integral part in chipping away at the years of racial corrosion accumulated by the United States. Although the charming rogue smuggler-turned-baseballfranchise-owner is depicted as overcoming years of racism in America, his efforts do not stand alone. Other movies like Remember the Titans, Glory Road, White Men Can’t Jump, and The Last Samurai all depict the slow degradation of the color barrier preventing minorities from entering previously inaccessible arenas solely due to the color of their skin, with the help of gracious and oftentimes beautiful white people. The tale of Jackie Robinson breaking into an otherwise allwhite professional baseball league is both an inspiring story of perseverance and a chilling reminder of just how pervasive such blatant and cruel racism was only a couple of generations ago. It is not out of memory that Hollywood was a bigger avenue for movies that depicted different races in a negative light like Birth of a Nation, Planet of the Apes, and White Chicks, but thanks to the efforts of whites, racism has been all but erased from the face of the Earth. As we are deep in the era of affirmative action and political correctness, the use of the “n-word” in movies, while a tribute to
the authenticity of the era, is surprising for the everyday moviegoer to hear especially as the racist opposing team manager in 42 rhythmically chants it to unnerve Jackie Robinson during the game. Ultimately, this seems to be a testament to either the collapse of racist ideologies in this country or the immaturity of the audience to accept nudity and violence but not words with archaic meaning, and is a true testament to how far our society has strayed away from the path of being racist. Nonetheless, the acting pair of Chadwick Boseman and Harrison Ford in the baseball player-franchise owner relationship of Jackie Robinson and Branch Rickey, respectively, shows how a friendship can overcome racial slurs and threats of violence, and how white people have been so helpful in eliminating racism. This friendship between Robinson and Rickey ultimately forges a massively profitable story for movie executives nearly 70 years later as crowds feeling “white guilt” would line up to watch a moving picture encapsulation of one of the most already known successes in breaking the color barrier in history, but leave feeling good that because they have watched and enjoyed that movie, they are not racist. Despite the best attempts by Hollywood to capitalize on the heartwarming efforts by minority athletes trying to break into sports, it still has ground to cover in slightly more obscure but equally relevant scenarios. An eye must be kept out by Hollywood executives for minority athletes still trying to break into various professional sports leagues like black athletes into professional hockey or any non-white athlete into NASCAR.
68. February of the Penguins 67. Snakes on the Ground 66. Judd Apatow’s Lovable Schlub 65. Almost Almost Famous 64. Battleship: The Board Game 63. Slumdog 62. Mr. Magorium’s Used Car Emporium 61. Backdoor Sluts 8 60. Jean Valjean, Hungry Upstanding Citizen 59. My Big Fat Greek Girlfriend
Why settle for a human form?
Free bear bodies while supplies last. Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.