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Want to advertise in the Metro Spirit? 706.496.2535 or 706.373.3636 AmyChristian|production director

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GabrielVega|lead designer

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Contributors Amy Alkon|Brian Allen|James Allen|Greg Baker|Rob Brezsny|Sam Eifling|Brandi Freeman|Anna Caroline Harris|Matt Lane|Austin Rhodes|Josh Ruffin|Matt Stone|Tom Tomorrow|Jenny Wright


Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us at© 15 House, LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

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Tuesday night

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Wednesday night

Bone in fried catfish over blue cheese grits and salad $6.99 *dine in only



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375 Fury’s Ferry Rd. next to Earth Fare · 706.855.5111 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11


WHINELINE Fresh Market robbed on a Sunday? Mess with my super crab dip and it’s on.. What on earth is going on with the jam box holiday cheer cranked up to 11 at the grocery store? The bell is one thing. It amazes me how there are Dads out there who cant pay their child support but yet they seem to have money to go to the clubs & get drunk & afford plane tix to fly around the country. I guess they think their children are stupid & cant see whats going on. It’ll all come out in the wash! These DEADBEATS are only hanging themselves in the long run. Children are VERY perceptive! If one thinks that the Richmond County School System(RCSS) fails miserably in meeting state academic standards as revealed in its AYP status, wait until RCSS’ performance is judged in terms of its meeting the national standards contained in the Common Core curriculum. Of course, if the local press doesn’t print such information, then most folks in Richmond County won’t know about it- much to the relief of Pete Fletcher and the self-serving educrats in the The Temple on Broad at James Brown Boulevard. Hey Vox, stop it with the constant Facebook spam already. Have you read any of the details from the Hulk Hogan divorce settlement? Somebody got camelclutched and it wasn’t Hogans exwife. I’ve always wondered why women (and I use that term loosely) get nervous when I drop the word “pre-nup” in their laps. It’s time for



you guys to find your spines and quit going all mushy-soft......look what it got The Hulkster - what cha’ gonna’ do brother, what cha’ gonna’ do? Two statements from the Terror Town controversy blew my mind. First of all, John Carter claims that you can’t “make it” doing a haunted house by paying people in this town. Second of all, Jimmy Collier himself said you can’t “run it by paying employees.” So let me get this straight: there are for-profit ventures (and I’m presuming these things are for-profit, as Collier also complained about losing money on the whole venture) whose business model requires them to not pay people for making their establishment (and by extension, them) money? Am I missing something? This makes me wonder how long until companies like McDonalds and Wal-Mart start to make the same argument. It also sounds to me like Mr. Long missed a much bigger story that was dangling right in front of his face. Hey, Coneheads! If you don’t like the “Metro Spirit”, don’t pick it up any more. I mean, come on, IT’S FREE! Quitchurbitchin! I am seeing so many under the license age children (sometimes in single digit years) driving golf carts on public roads in the neighborhood that I am forced to conclude that their patents don’t like them that much to allow such dangerous conduct. @ Terror Town. If YOUR managers promised to pay these teens, then pay them what they promised. Or are verbal agreements and keeping your word a foreign concept? Jimmy Collier, I don’t know you, but you

sound like a sleazy businessman. I am sure you fit right in, in Vegas. You hired these managers to represent you, so accept responsibility for their and ultimately your actions/words. Moral obligations don’t end with a liability agreement! The buck stops where? I think anyone that buys a Christmas present from a store that does not display the phrase “Merry Christmas” is a hypocrite. Happy holidays doesn’t get it. Why would you support a business that is more concerned with sales than the meaning of Christmas. I won’t shop at these stores. How many of you will join me? Merry Christmas! I think Metro Spirit should investigate cab situations with Ft. Gordon soldiers. I know some of them are being cheated by drivers who charge all the vanload of soldiers the price of a single fare each person.

who the hell is linkedin and why are they ALWAYS WAITING ON ME????? If I am not mistaken Austin Rhodes does not have a Phd, Master degree or even a college degree. I am not even sure he passed econ 101. What makes him think he can speak on national economic policy. I.E cashless society. he has no more business doing that than George Clooney or Woopi Goldberg. stay focused on the local issues for your own benifit...... I’ll tell ya! Those Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are More Than DropDead Gorgeous”! They’re Tough Too! As Proven during their “Thanksgiving Weekend Game”! Two Linebackers, Tackled One of Them, That Cheerleader Didn’t Miss a Beat! She Got Up! Pom-Poms In Hands, Smiling Ear to Ear finishing That Cheer! ? 4 Rep. Barrow: I am not voting for


Finally, someone shuts up Ann Coulter, if only for a couple of minutes. Thank you, MSNBC.


Former Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky is conducting his own investigation into the sex abuse allegations he’s accused of. Maybe OJ can help him find the real killer… er, rapist.

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Pres Obama in 2012. Will you make the same commitment? Are you voting for Obama in 2012? Isn’t it sad that you can’t take a stroll around downtown without being bummed on and/or harassed or even threatened by street thugs, derelicts or crazies? Downtown Augusta has come a long way in the past few years, but it still

seems like the red-headed step-child of all the other downtowns I have visited. Something is missing. Except for a few spots on upper Broad, there’s a sense of desolation. Once I leave the art district on Broad Street, I feel I’m in no-man’sland. All the normal people are gone and I am now in some desolate ghost city, inhabited only by the mean and the desperate. Best to travel in groups or carry a weapon. And that’s really sad.

LETTER TO THE METRO SPIRIT It’s a Little Early for Christmas Rage, Isn’t It? To the Metro Spirit This is to the “gentleman” (I use the term very loosely) in Michael’s Saturday night that decided to call me the “B” word when I helped you by letting you know that another register was open. God was watching over you that night because you were spared a good beat down by my husband not being there. You are a disgrace to the older population whom I was raised to respect. Valerie L. Dodson Martinez

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INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

Pretty in Harrisburg

MCG… GHSU… whoever they are, they’re looking good

According to the Medical College of Georgia Foundation’s Consolidated Financial Statement, MCG, now begrudgingly called Georgia Health Sciences University by those of us who remember to do it, is sitting pretty in Harrisburg. Very pretty. Over the last several years, the MCG Foundation, through its Resurgens Properties subsidiary, has been snatching up property around the 15th Street Kroger, which it also owns through its

Central Square subsidiary, at a pretty decent clip. The foundation gets $252,780 a year in rent payments from Kroger, which is hardly chump change, but the lease is up this year, and though there’s an option to renew the lease for a total of 10 additional years, you can’t help wondering if the school’s pro-growth president, Dr. Ricardo Azziz, isn’t ready to do something splashy with the property, possibly something along the lines of that campus he thinks

is so vital to attracting the best and the brightest, who in spite of their intelligence are apparently fickle enough to care more about things like grass and trees and pedestrian-friendly crosswalks than they do the quality of the education they receive. Rather than viewing the encroachment as a negative, as some in the Laney Walker neighborhood viewed the idea of the pedestrian mall that would have closed Laney-Walker Boulevard and potentially cut off neighborhood

businesses, longtime residents of Harrisburg welcome the foothold of change the school could provide. For those who have been over there, Harrisburg can be a pretty sketchy place (just ask Lori or Butch or the cops that patrol it). Bringing in some money, some concrete and some lights couldn’t hurt, and if some people are smart enough to make some money off the sea change, you know what? More power to them. It’s what successful people do.

IF YOU’RE GONNA USE ME, AT LEAST USE ME RIGHT! Reservations appreciated (not required| free of charge)


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Color Me Suspicious

Racial divide keeps commissioners assuming the worst Listening to Augusta commissioners talk, the racial divide on the commission is growing wider by the day. “It’s very frustrating right now,” says one white commissioner. “I wish I knew what some people wanted to do, but I don’t think they know what they want to do.” Not to be outdone, a black commissioner accused the whitecontrolled government of taking little interest in the process. “We have a white mayor, we have a white sheriff, we have a white administrator,” he says. “Many of my colleagues don’t say anything at all because they received their marching orders and all they’re going to do is vote and that’s it.” Ironically, more than one of the white commissioners has accused the

black commissioners of the same thing, specifically Bill Lockett and Alvin Mason, who they say are receiving texted marching orders of their own during meetings from Heery International consultant Butch Gallop, who just so happens to be related to imprisoned State Senator Charles Walker. Divided by sparring over the Personnel Policy and Procedures manual, which black commissioners have consistently failed to acknowledge since it was passed in March, commissioners of all races were briefly united in August when Administrator Fred Russell sprung a pay increase for 44 employees on the unsuspecting group. But while the white commissioners worked behind the scenes to find a replacement, looking to recently retired Columbia County Administrator

Steve Szablewski among others, the black commissioners, largely through Lockett’s Administrative Services committee, tried to protest the raises by questioning the qualifications of the senior staff. The move tapped previously demonstrated discontent within the fire department and helped bring about the resignations of its top brass, but did little else other than lower morale and further divide the commission. Russell survived two motions for termination and will continue to plug away until the next crisis. Though Alvin Mason was the front man for the termination motions and led the march through the senior staff, Lockett has taken back the baton in recent weeks, aggressively questioning the land acquisition process for the TEE Center parking deck and calling for a forensic (read criminal)

audit of Augusta government. On November 15, Lockett, Mason and J.R. Hatney walked out of a commission meeting just before a budget vote. While white commissioners have been consistently critical of what they characterize as obstructionism from their black counterparts, they have recently stepped up their criticism, particularly of Lockett. “From my perspective, he’s fishing for a reprimand,” said one white commissioner. “It would take six votes to say we’ve had enough.” The last reprimand came in 2007 when Calvin Holland was censured for asking a city employee to give him a copy of Fred Russell’s computer hard drive. Is such a thing likely, however? “Not very,” the commissioner said. “But if he keeps it up, it will be a lot more likely.”

Only Joe Jackson had anything negative to say, and that was not directed at the man, but at the abruptness of the decision to change the request, something others have questioned, though quietly out of respect for the family and Gray’s memory. How you stand on grand gestures probably depends on whether you view impulsive displays of emotion as examples of genuine feeling or kneejerk empathy. While the idea is certainly noble and undoubtedly deserved, the execution struck some as clumsy, and in a roundabout way, Fryer explained why. “In conversation with the family, they feel the gesture is honorable and request

that after they have had a time for reflection they will work with us on this most noble purpose,” he said. After they have had a time for reflection… That time for reflection would have been nice for us all. Nice, because some of us would undoubtedly like to contemplate how Gray’s life will be immortalized in our own hearts before we start talking about how he will be immortalized by our city. General Gray’s memorial service won’t be until Friday. Can’t we at least get through that before we start throwing around the grand gestures that make us feel so good but too often come up short?

everybody’s starting to feel the pain of Jeffery Harris’ overconfidence. It’s unfortunate that Harris happens to be black, because some are asking whether the county went with him out of a sense of obligation or out of a sense of fear, since the image of five white guys who are always preaching fiscal conservatism choosing to go with a white contractor when Harris had bid $200,000 less is a PR nightmare. Either way, the result is they’ve now got a community literally gutted by a contractor who just about everyone could see didn’t have what it took to see the project through to a satisfactory end. It’s even sadder when you realize

how obvious the signs were. About the time the Springlakes contract was awarded, Harris had to appear before the commission in order to hold onto another job he had been awarded. For that one, he couldn’t manage to get the paperwork done and he had to literally beg for mercy. If it takes you 50-some days and two 10-day notices to get you to contact the county on a project you supposedly want, how do you expect to manage the complexities of things like articulated blocks and gabion walls and a clean work site?

A Bridge Too Far

Gestures made too soon sometimes fall unintentionally short After months of being scratched from the Engineering Services Committee agenda, Rev. Larry Fryer finally stood before Augusta commissioners to request the naming of the Walton Way Bridge between 5th Street and 7th Street. However, instead of naming it the Children Memorial Bridge as he’d been planning to request, or the Edward McIntyre Memorial Bridge as he had planned to propose back in August and September, he asked that the bridge be named in honor of Lt. Gen. Robert E. Gray, who was killed on Nov. 23 when his pickup collided with a semi truck near Millen.

Gray served as commander of Fort Gordon briefly in 1990 and then from 1991 to 1994. Several members of the commission as well as the mayor spoke glowingly of Gray, who also served as chairman of the Democratic Party of Columbia County. Grady Smith said he was a credit to the military force he served and called him a soldier’s general. Bill Lockett said the honor of naming the bridge was the very least they could do for such a great American. Copenhaver expressed his support, as did Matt Aitken. Alvin Mason, who actually served under Gray in 1990, also agreed with the honor.

Big Dig, Big Mistake

Poor choices have left the county paying the price Talk to just about anyone in Springlakes and they’ll tell you what a disaster the county has made of its effort to increase the flow of Reed Creek in the name of flood prevention. It’s not unheard of to hear people call the whole debacle the Rape of Springlakes, and from the county’s bullying attitude regarding the deforestation apparently required to lay in a carpet of bricks to the caterpillar-slow pace of construction that has left local traffic detoured since June, the project has been a textbook study in how not to undertake a public project. That windstorm that blew over the big oak that crushed the truck? According to a fireman on the scene, it wouldn’t have V. 22 | NO. 66

been vulnerable if the trees around it hadn’t been thinned as much as they were. Now you can throw in the fact that the contractor they picked — the one they were warned against by the wellrespected engineer running the show — not only can’t finish the job on time, but can’t even manage to do a satisfactory job of the stuff he’s completed. People are fed up. As one resident put it, you pay twice for everything you have to tear up and do again, and it’s looking like Jeffery Harris Trucking’s off-roading adventure is going to cost some big bucks. And look for equipment rental companies to surface looking for money, too. Seems




The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher.

This Candidacy Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds Herman Cain. Herman Frigging Cain! Part of me wants to punch him in the nose. The other part of me wants to nominate him for Playboy’s Multi-Tasker of the Year. Sad thing? I cannot think of a single political issue he has wrong. His only mistake was thinking that if three Kennedys, Barney Frank, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, John Edwards and David Patterson could get away with it for so long, maybe he could too! He seemed to forget that sex scandals just seem to make Democratic politicians sexier and more fun for their minions to support. For the GOP... not so much. At least Newt Gingrich appears to have married every woman he ever had sex with. Eventually. In the meantime, those of us who said we wouldn’t support Gingrich in his quest for the presidency are having to reassess our position. The truth of the matter is that we, as a nation, are sinking into a deadly cesspool of massive debt and political cluelessness. The marital track record of the guy steering the only lifeboat that

stands between us and oblivion ain’t so much on my mind right now. As political conservatives, we either sail with an imperfect pilot, or we die. Former Augusta State University graduate student Jennifer Keeton is appealing federal Judge Randy Hall’s rejection of her religious discrimination lawsuit. In the suit, Keeton maintained that instructors Paulette Schenck and Mary Jane Anderson-Wiley ordered her to “change her beliefs” on the topic of homosexuality. Sources at ASU simply claimed the women did no such thing. What they reportedly did do is tell Keeton that her admitted solution to dealing with a (hypothetical) troubled client expressing homosexual thoughts or behaviors, which was based on the Biblical concept that such actions are a sin and should be rejected, is to withhold her religious opinions in the course of such a case. ASU maintained in their answer to the lawsuit that all Keeton’s instructors did was demonstrate their concern that her Christian views on homosexuality were not germane to the counseling tasks at

hand, and that, in fact, offering solutions based on the counselor’s religious beliefs run contrary to the professional code of ethics all graduate students in counseling must embrace in order to receive a diploma. (That is the rule of the American Counseling Association’s Code of Ethics, and it is a constant nationwide.) The bottom line is that Schenck and Anderson-Wiley refuted Keeton’s version of events. It was argued ASU has never taken a stand where they urge any student to “change their beliefs,” nor would they. The case attracted nationally known religious litigation specialists from the Alliance Defense Fund, and they got a lot of press in the process. Of course, a disagreement between a student and teachers over what was said in class or in a meeting does not make a sexy, headline-grabbing story. A southern university ordering a God-fearing young student to embrace the ways of Sodom and Gomorrah or face expulsion does. When this case originally played out (in Augusta 2010), I wrote the following in this space:

“I have a very conservative track record, and I have always defended those who are persecuted unjustly for their legitimate religious beliefs, as long as they are legal. I also have a very well known distaste for education bureaucracies, and the way they tend to steamroll past common sense in the effort to cover their behinds in the midst of a controversy. “I don’t believe we have either scenario playing out here, and in due time that case will be made. The university and its people did nothing wrong, and Keeton’s concern is an overreaction, a misunderstanding based on their instruction to her to change her approach with clients in the workplace, not her personal beliefs. “If ASU or its employees were really as “anti-Christian” as the ADF attorneys would have you believe, in Augusta, Georgia, they would have a helluva lot more people fighting them than just Jennifer Keeton. I would be one of them.” I was right then, and on August 20, 2010, Judge Hall agreed with me. I believe our shared conclusions will be upheld as many times as the ADF cares to appeal them.

Celebrating our our Sixth Sixth Anniversary Anniversary in in Martinez! Martinez! Celebrating Always made from scratch for discerning taste buds.






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Digging Out

Controversial culvert project stalls as county races to hammer out completion strategy

A bad year for Columbia County’s Springlakes subdivision got even worse last week when the county sent a termination notice to the contractor working on the controversial Ridge Crossing drainage project, better known as the Sandalwood project. The project, which has closed down Sandalwood Drive since early summer and has stirred up unrest in a neighborhood already riled up by Augusta Prep’s decision to construct lights for its football field, was supposed to be completed last Friday, but according to county officials, the job is only 50 percent complete. “Fifty-five percent,” says Water Utility Director Billy Clayton. “There’s a good little bit of work that has to be done at that site to button it up and then there’s another site where the road has to be dug up and another culvert replaced.” That site, Kestwick Drive, remains V. 22 | NO. 66

untouched, though the contractor, Jeffery Harris Trucking, was apparently about to start on that before the county told him to put the brakes on. “He wanted to actually start on the second phase,” says District 2 Commissioner Trey Allen, who lives in Springlakes. “We prevented that from happening.” Allen has heard a lot of criticism from those unhappy with project and says that even if the project had gone according to schedule, the two phases were never supposed to occur at the same time. “I understand their frustration and I share it, because I’m a neighbor,” he says. “My own kids’ school bus had to reroute its entire route for the whole school year, now.” The $800,000 multi-phase project, intended to prevent Reed Creek from flooding upstream, angered many Springlakes residents, who felt the

county was overzealous in its pursuit of the land needed for the project and unnecessarily destructive with the project’s implementation. Complaints about the expanded culvert, which claimed many neighborhood trees and has so far left a large, unsightly bricked-over area in its place, have been vocal and widespread. Jeffery Harris Trucking was awarded the contract over the objections of project engineer W.R. Toole Engineers, who expressed concern over the firm’s ability to handle the ambitious project. “It employs some disciplines and some materials that are not normal on any run-of-the-mill job,” Clayton admits. “You’ve got the articulating block and you’ve got gabion baskets and those types of things. There are probably not a lot of people that have a lot of experience in putting that stuff in.”

Allen agrees that it appears the scope of the project was too much for the contractor, who had previously done minor jobs for the county without incident. “My true belief is that he is a local small businessman who was trying to be aggressive and get ahead and just bit off more than he could chew,” he says. “I don’t think he’s a bad guy, I think he is just way over his head.” In spite of the engineer’s misgivings, the commission chose to go with Harris, whose bid was significantly lower than the others. “They were recommending spending an additional $200,000 of the taxpayers’ money to go with somebody else when we had a man that said he could do it,” says Chairman Ron Cross. “We felt it was in the best interests of the public to go with the low bidder.” None of the commissioners would METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11


publically state that race had anything to do with their choice, though they do maintain that there are no advantages to hiring a minority contractor. But it’s not hard to see how awkward it would have been to pass over Harris, a black contractor with no prior problems who was $200,000 under the next closest bidder. Though Harris has continued to work on the project while the complex termination process runs its course, that work may not continue for much longer. According to Cross, ongoing

meetings with Harris and his insurance company will likely throw the decisions over to the insurance company, which has a lot of options on how it might proceed. “They have the right to bring in someone else on their own to finish it,” Cross says. “They have the right to subsidize the current contractor to assist him in finishing it, and all that’s something we have to honor because that’s between them and their client. We cannot just go ahead and get the work done and send them the bill.”

Allen says his No. 1 priority is to get Sandalwood’s road open and get traffic moving. After that, he wants to see the project completed as quickly as possible, and he feels that would be done if the bonding company chose an experienced contractor to finish the project. “If they can knock this job out, they will have fewer liquidated damages to pay and they will get it over quicker, as opposed to allowing him to continue to work and possibly do things the wrong way,” he says.

Act Two

Given the ongoing strife and its potential to affect his political future — like many voters frustrated by specific, hyper-local issues, Springlakes residents have been adamant about their desire to get their pound of flesh in the voting booth — Allen remains relatively positive about the whole thing. “I still think that it was a worthy project,” he says. “It’s just unfortunate that following our protocol the way we have to, this contractor got this job and couldn’t complete it on time and in the way he needed to.”


Terror Town saga enters next phase According to those close to the case, about 60 of the workers claiming they’re owed compensation for working at the Terror Town haunted house this October are moving forward with a lawsuit against the operators. Local attorney Jack Long has agreed to represent the workers, and though he hasn’t yet decided how he intends to file the suit, either as a class action suit or as individual plaintiffs versus a few defendants, he said he’s hoping to file something by next week. Though the owner and managers of the Martinez haunted house also face possible child labor law violations

10 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11

stemming from what could be considered unsafe working conditions, a lack of work permits and working the minors more and later than they are allowed, Long’s representation will focus on the recovery of unpaid wages and any additional damages that are recoverable. While he wouldn’t discuss the specifics of his case, he did mention the liability form that, among other things, acknowledged the activities the workers were to perform were possibly hazardous. “I am voluntarily participating in these activities with knowledge of the

danger involved, and agree to assume any and all risks of bodily injury, death or property damage, whether those risks are known or unknown,” the waiver reads. “I am aware that these activities are possibly hazardous activities and that I could be seriously injured or even killed.” The release was signed by the minor participant and no one else. “I’ve never encountered somebody trying to have a child sign a liability release,” Long says. As for the argument that the workers were volunteers rather than employees, Long was more than a little dubious

about the logic. “I think it’s counterintuitive to make the argument that you have employees who are volunteers when these people sign in and keep time and sign certain documents, which really isn’t in line with the idea of a volunteer,” he says. And if that’s not enough, he suggested an even broader look at the situation. “It’s always a red flag when a forprofit business’ sole source of labor comes from ‘volunteers,’” he says. “I understand that argument, it just didn’t work out that well for us in the South 150 years ago.”

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By Trip Payne / Edited by Will Shortz ACROSS 1 ___ World Tour (sports circuit) 4 Stew 8 Comedian Nora 12 School hall feature 18 Rank in kendo 19 Article’s start, to a journalist 20 Former New York governor Cuomo 21 Like some moving estimates 22 Justice Fortas 23 Computer animation option 25 Some harvesters 26 Calculator symbol 28 The “B” of B&N 29 Lincoln ___ (L.A. neighborhood) 31 “___ You Glad You’re You?” 32 Fill-in 33 Teeing off 34 Mountain in Deuteronomy 36 X-ray units 37 Settee settings 39 Gourmet’s treat 41 Paid, with “up” 42 Within the grace period? 45 Thuggish sorts 49 Armored truck company 50 Is persistent at an auction 51 Alternately 52 Ill-gotten gains 53 Signs 54 Dieter’s unit: Abbr. 55 The Great Commoner 56 Front of a coin: Abbr. 59 Aunt ___ (“Star Wars” character) 60 Lead-in to 1812 or attrition 62 Stat that may be “adjusted” 63 How to get this puzzle’s final word 69 Suffix with malt 70 You can believe it 71 Way off 72 Furthermore 73 Burned out 75 You go by one in Québec 76 Strike down 77 Season Pass offerer 81 Some ninths 83 Rattlesnake, at times 84 Singer Morissette 86 2011 International Tennis Hall of Fame inductee

87 Bob Marley’s group, with “the” 88 Vodka source 89 Not ethereal 91 County northwest of San Francisco 92 Traumatize 95 Men in the middle of the peerage 96 Takes a bit off 99 La Città Eterna 101 Trojan War figure 103 “I’d never have suspected!” 104 Veep before Spiro 105 Gurus’ titles 106 Oscar winner for “Cocoon,” 1985 108 “My sources say no” source 111 Years, to Yves 112 Word with note or case 113 Like some accents 114 Item to thrust 115 “Details forthcoming”: Abbr. 116 Pants 117 Prudential Center team 118 – 119 “___ questions?” DOWN 1 Make fit 2 Dinner date request 3 Zithromax treats it 4 Sitcom waitress 5 Cardinals 6 Awards with a “Best Fact Crime” category 7 Will’s ex-wife on “Glee” 8 Morse bits 9 Swiss canton 10 Seasonal saint 11 Hole in the head 12 Cap 13 Fit to be called up 14 Fruit-flavored soft drink 15 Emperor Taejo united it 16 Correct 17 Is quiet 20 Video file format 24 “Dear ___ Landers” 27 Watching without being watched 30 Jiffy 34 Minds 35 Sci-fi series set in the 23rd century 38 “Yikes!” 39 It was first broken in 1954

40 Monitor inits. 41 “Independent Lens” network 42 Puzzler 43 Come back from adjournment 44 “Awake in the Dark” author 46 Wasn’t lackadaisical 47 ___ nous 48 Chi Cygni, for one 51 Italian province or seaport 54 Desk chair features 57 Short while 58 One step up from a fourcylinder 60 King, for example 61 Rock’s ___ Fighters 63 Politicians’ supporters, sometimes 64 Incorporating 65 Singer Marie 66 Grandson of Adam 67 Send away 68 Certain muscles 74 Oscar-nominated sci-fi film of 2009 76 Besmirches 78 Ladylove 79 Thiamine 80 Spanish bear 82 Intel interpreter, for short 83 TV award discontinued in 1997 84 Ardent adherents 85 Actor Chaney 87 Electrical worker 90 Conversation stopper 91 Over-the-shoulder garment 92 Sends millions of unwanted messages, say 93 Animal crackers animal 94 Georgia Dome, e.g. 96 Color whose name is French for “flea” 97 Blood type system 98 Rise up 100 Appraise 102 Most-quoted author in the O.E.D.: Abbr. 104 #1’s, e.g. 107 Chicago trains 109 Kind of course 110 CBS’s Moonves
















53 58



54 60








72 77 84





91 96

103 107




95 102





































25 29













33 37


8 20






104 108















Note: In some squares of this crossword (as indicated by slashes), the Across and Down answers do not actually cross. Write both parts in the squares. Then use the central Across answer to interpret them properly to spell an appropriate final word.

























V. 22 | NO. 66

METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 11


Unseating the POTUS

The Newt, the Spider and the gloriously punchable GOP field

Rick Perry I admit it: Perry certainly looks presidential as hell. He’s physically poised and attractive, with a certain Marlboro Man ruddiness. Unfortunately for him, he also forms sentences like seizure victims draw circles. It’s absolutely deplorable that he wasn’t arrested for murder a few debates ago, when he forgot the names of government agencies and promptly shot his campaign in the head. Counterpart: Travis Lutter, a highlyranked Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt who emerged as the No. 1 contender in an already weak field (he won a

12 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11

freaking reality show over other UFC washouts). Lutter talked so much s**t leading up to the fight that he had to

kick dirt over the podium after leaving press conferences. He then proceeded to come into the fight two pounds heavy, rendering it a non-title affair, and was submitted by Silva in the second round. Michelle Bachmann Or as she’s better known, “Eyeballs.” Bachmann and her gay-curin’ hubby rode a wave of barely-sensible gibberish and gullible villagers to an early non-Romney lead, but soon crashed and burned when it became apparent that her campaign was predicated on little more than almost being Sarah Palin and the ability to pronounce the president’s name “Buh-rick Oh-behma.” In a matter of months, she’s gone from promising frontrunner to mild, eyelash-in-yourtear-duct irritating. She’s not even trying anymore, wearing straightjackets to debates, not bothering to conceal the jar of souls from which her eyes take sustenance, and is just a general embarrassment to herself and anyone involved. Counterpart: Forrest Griffin. Don’t get me wrong; I used to love Forrest. Because of his legendary, brutal fight with Stephan Bonnar at the finale of the first Ultimate Fighter, my television can say “blood” in six different languages. But he’s also a little bit… off. He’s been cryptically short in interviews, usually sounds like his mouth is full of mashed parsnips

and that was before he got KOd three times in his last six fights. Silva went up 20 pounds in weight to fight

Forrest, and knocked him out in about a minute with a backwards-moving Jedi jab. Griffin was never really the same. Recently, after getting stopped in the first round during a rematch with Mauricio “Shogun” Rua, Forrest has taken to making rape jokes on Twitter, which is about as logical a career move as Bachmann hiring Skeletor’s stylist. Herman Cain Oh boy. Ohhhhh boy. Herman Cain is the political equivalent of your girlfriend always beating you at Wii Boxing by holding her breath and flailing at the screen: There’s no strategy or finesse behind it, and she may look like a monkey shaking fire ants off of its arms, but she somehow keeps winning. That’s Cain. He rose to political prominence by running a crappy pizza joint and farting out of his mouth into the radio. The GOP loves him because he can say all the vaguely racist things their vanilla asses can’t get away with, and look-he’s-even-blackerthan-Obama! It took a multi-pronged sex scandal, which his campaign is now not even bothering to fight, to knock him off his perch, and his poll numbers have halved in the last two months. Counterpart: Vitor Belfort. Belfort is a BJJ black belt who usually wins fights by running a full Mr. Potatohead routine on his opponents’ faces. His hands are so quick and powerful, Yeti sightings


This week the daily printed an editorial called “Why Not Newt?,” in which the GOP shills enthusiastically support the final not-Romney left on the ballot, as they’ve also most likely (you think I read that mess on a regular basis?) done for Perry, Bachmann and Cain when those nutbags were peaking. Listen, daily: I get it. The “establishment,” which could mean anything from the mainstream Republican machine to Vince McMahon to the all-seeing Yog Sothoth for all I know, is obviously geared towards clinching this thing for ol’ Willard, who just doesn’t have a history of kowtowing to the crazy. And we all know that you loves you the crazy. Which brings me, somehow, to UFC Middleweight Champion Anderson “The Spider” Silva, who has held the belt for so long that lungfish are flopping up on it to evolve ankles. For almost six years, the UFC has been trying to find him a credible challenge. Silva, in response, has rendered most opponents crumpled masses of things that used to be bones and organ paste. In his organizational debut, it took him one minute to knock the hair dye and stupid out of notoriously iron-jawed Chris Leben. Coincidentally, this is about one-third the time that it takes Herman Cain to spell “concession speech.” Point is, Barack Obama is the longreigning champion, and the GOP base is desperately hitching its wagon to every possible long shot they hope has a chance in hell of unseating the POTUS. Here, then, are the most notable not-Romney challengers to Obama’s job, and their Anderson Silva victim counterparts:

are more common. Opponents only wake up after the shockwave jolts them back into consciousness. Anyway, Belfort vs. Silva was the first time that a UFC title would be contested between two Brazilians (are you getting the parallel?). “The Phenom” earned his shot by not even fighting once at middlweight in the UFC, defeating Rich Franklin at a 195-pound catchweight. Late in the first round, Belfort was caught by the most traditionally ineffective karate technique known to man: the front snap kick, which is the first thing they teach you during day one of both taekwondo and massage school. It caught Belfort on the point of the chin, and he collapsed like a soufflé. Newt Gingrich He got busted teaching a college course for political gain, left his first wife when she had cancer and had numerous extramarital affairs. His face looks like a squash, he’s far less scrupulous than the lizard he’s named after and hates the f**k out of welfare. He is the last hope. Good luck, conservatives. Counterpart: Chael Sonnen. A man-shaped sack of xenophobia and horse DNA, Sonnen came closer to unseating Silva (who had a busted rib at the time) than anyone else. Prior to the fight, Sonnen denigrated Silva’s abilities, credentials, family and country. Everyone was sure Silva’s fists were going to light on fire just before the beatdown. Amazingly, Chael backed it up. For 24 minutes of the 25-minute fight, Sonnen manhandled the champion, tossing him around the cage like a PFC using sandbags to fortify a bunker. With just seconds left, Silva secured a triangle choke/armbar combination, and Sonnen was forced to tap. As a follow-up, he got busted for synthetic testosterone use, lied to the athletic commission about it (at least twice), was indicted on charges of real estate fraud and was suspended for one year. Now he’s back, fans are clamoring for a rematch and my forehead is getting welts from all this face-palming.

ASU and Metro Spirit alum Josh Ruffin is a published journalist and poet, who just received his MFA from Georgia College & State University. He was once the most un-intimidating bouncer at Soul Bar.

V. 22 | NO. 66


On the First Cyber-Day of Christmas, My True Geek Gave to Me…


Gregory A. Baker, Ph.D., is vice president and chief rocket scientist for CMA, which provides information technology services to CSRA businesses and nonprofits. V. 22 | NO. 66


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Yes, Augusta Tek readers, it is the time of the year where we all start getting giddy over the tech gadgets arriving for the holidays. Tablets are probably the most popular tech gift this year, with the Amazon Kindle and Barnes & Noble Nook shaking up the market with strong products at low price points. Other technology products can’t be dismissed, however. A large number of tech gifts are out there, including several under $50. The Roku LT is an extremely small Wi-Fi streaming-media box. The Roku LT provides dozens of streaming video and audio services, including Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon Instant Video, HBO Go, Pandora, MOG, Radio and MLB.TV. Older TVs are also supported using an included breakout cable. The SanDisk Sansa Clip Zip is an under $50 MP3 player that supports most audio formats, works with audiobook and subscription music services, can be used as a voice recorder, and tunes in to FM radio. The practical clip-on design is perfect for the gym. Unfortunately, the Clip Zip does not play well with iTunes. If you’re tied into the Apple ecosystem, the iPod Shuffle will be your best choice if you are trying to stay under $50. The X-Mini MAX II is a portable speaker system that defies the conventional notion that size matters. The X-Mini Max II is designed to be ultraportable, with two speakers that pop together in a magnetic pod. Its Bass Xpansion System (BXS) successfully mimics the resonance of a sub-woofer, and a modular Buddy-Jack design allows you to daisy-chain several of the $30 X-Minis together to pump up the sound. If headphones are more your thing, the Koss PortaPros might be your best bet. These $35 headphones sport a retro, over-the-head design. The true worth comes through in the sound quality delivered by the PortaPros. With a collapsible design and carrying case, they are an ideal companion for the mobile audiophile. While retro videogames to me include such classics as Galaga and Missile Command, Microsoft has released a refreshed classic from a more recent era. Halo was originally released in 2001 and set the standard for console first-person shooters. The game has been given a graphical makeover and now supports online multiplayer via Xbox Live. Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary retails for under $40. Finally, for something a little different, let’s talk about all the crumbs and other junk that gets trapped in your keyboard and other parts of your computer. We all try to ignore it, but just stop now and take a look and your keyboard. (Yes, that’s dog hair that got stuck in the gook from yesterday’s Pop Tart.) Cyber Clean is a high-tech cleaning compound designed to get into the cracks and crevices of your high-tech device. Essentially, it’s a ball of fluorescent green goo that you mash into a keyboard or similar surface, and the tacky surface picks up dirt and grime. Only a few bucks for a pouch… did I hear someone say, “stocking stuffer?” Until next time, I’ll see you on the internet. Tweet me @gregory_a_baker. L8R.


621 nw frontage road, augusta, ga 30907 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 13


Getting the Lead Out

Meeting on Sibley Mill cleanup yields ideas, but future still in doubt

The soil around Sibley Mill is contaminated with lead, arsenic and mercury. But cleaning up the toxins might be an easy task compared to attracting investors willing to purchase and redevelop the historic property in an uncertain economy. The Augusta Canal Authority held a public meeting at Enterprise Mill last Monday, November 21, to inform the public about its application for an Environmental Protection Agency grant to help pay for Sibley’s environmental cleanup. The meeting drew a crowd of 30, comprised of developers, engineers, architects and concerned citizens. Representatives of the Augusta Canal Authority made a presentation on the prospective grant, which would provide $275,000 to begin to clean the soil around Sibley and to remove a fuel tank from the building. Attendees strongly supported the grant and the cleanup, and also offered lively opinions on what the old mill should become. Sibley is in the midst of a cleanup process that the Canal Authority estimates will cost $3.1 million and take

several years. “Our vision is to get it cleaned up and get it developer-ready, and spin it off to a redevelopment company,” says Dayton Sherrouse, executive director of the Augusta Canal Authority. The Canal Authority expects to hear back about the grant in the spring of next year. Sibley Mill ceased operating in 2006 when then-owner Avondale Mills shut it down, leading Historic Augusta to place it on its annual Endangered Properties List. Sibley was built in 1882 on the former site of (and from the bricks of) the Confederate Powderworks, which was demolished after the Civil War. The chimney of the old Confederate Powderworks still stands in front of the mill, looming over the canal across from the Kroc Center on Broad Street. Augusta Capital, an investor group led by developer Clay Boardman and now known as Flywheel, had a contract to purchase Sibley from Avondale, but negotiations fell through in 2009. The Augusta Canal Authority then bought Sibley for $800,000 in 2010. Erick Montgomery, executive director

of Historic Augusta, was pleasantly surprised by the meeting. “A lot of times you go to public meetings and you wonder why you even came,” he says. But this meeting was different, he says, with all kinds of interesting ideas for Sibley’s redevelopment. Proposals for the mill included a mixed-use housing and commercial building; an arts center and studio; and a senior citizen assisted living center that would capitalize on Sibley’s proximity to the medical district. The mill still houses hydroelectric turbines, which generate up to $1,000 to $1,200 worth of electricity a day, which is sold back to Georgia Power at a discount. This power source, attendees noted, could make Sibley attractive to any future owners — or could allow Sibley to house a data center, or perhaps one of the first urban sites for large-scale electric vehicle recharge. Lori Davis, president of the Harrisburg West End Neighborhood Association, liked the exchange of ideas but suspects that the meeting, which was required by the EPA for the grant application, was a mere formality.

“You don’t know how serious they are about hearing your ideas,” she says. “Historically in Augusta, the plan has been in place before public hearings.” Davis would most like to see a multiuse facility with shops, restaurants, and apartments, that could create local jobs and connect Harrisburg to downtown. But she’s not confident that the needs of Harrisburg will be respected. “It could end up where a few people make a lot of money,” she says. Local developer Clay Boardman attended the meeting. Anne Catherine Murray, project manager at Boardman’s company Flywheel, confirms that Flywheel still has its eye on Sibley. “We would love to be a part of it down the line, if possible,” she says. When Flywheel had Sibley under contract from 2007 to 2009, they were planning on developing the mill for mixed residential and commercial use. “But now,” Murray says, “the whole model will have to be adjusted, depending on what the economic climate is once the cleanup is done.” Lori Davis is more blunt. “Nobody’s going to open anything like that with this economy,” she says. For now, the Canal Authority’s priority is cleanup. “Our interest is first and foremost the preserving of the building and getting it cleaned up,” says Sherrouse. Few deny the merits of cleaning up a site so rich in history. Even the lead in the soil, Sherrouse explains, must be older than the mill — nothing in the textile process leaves a lead byproduct. The lead, like the chimney, is a remnant of the Confederate Powderworks. It turns out that even Sibley’s toxins are historic.

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Olde Town Tour of Homes

This First Friday will be especially merry, and the festivities will extend all the way down into Olde Town, where the neighborhood association has planned their annual tour of homes to coincide with both Friday night’s celebration, as well as Saturday’s heralding in of the Christmas season. It is here, in one of Augusta’s first neighborhoods — the one that used to be called Pinched Gut — that seven homeowners along the 300 block of Broad Street will welcome visitors to their gussied up abodes. And, for even easier access, a trolley will bring visitors from the Common right to the tour’s front door. Once all the homes have been explored, visitors will also have a chance to check out the newly renovated Christ Community Health Services, The Vine Inn and Heritage Academy, all located on Greene Street. Olde Town Tour of Homes | 346 Broad Street (registration) Friday, December 2-Saturday, December 3 | 6-9 p.m. $10, advance; $15, door Tickets available at: Fireside Outdoor Kitchens and Grills, Martina’s Flowers and Gifts, Sundries Urban Market, Heritage Academy, Schweitzer Art Glass, the Fox’s Lair and the Book Tavern

V. 22 | NO. 66

METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 15


features traditional holiday tunes by Celtic duo Lillie Morris and Michael Hay, a gallery scavenger hunt and Artrageous! Family Sunday activities. Free. Call 706-724-7501 or visit

Cash & Carry Art Show is Friday, December 2, from 7-10 p.m., at Gaartdensity, 1155 Broad Street, and features original artwork by Jason Craig, Jay Jacobs, Leonard Zimmerman, Rich Menger, Staci Swider, Carrie Brooks and more. Artworks are priced at $100 or less. Call 706-466-5166.


Rochelle “Cissie” Levy’s show of mixed media work opens Thursday, December 1, from 5-7 p.m., at the Aiken Thoroughbred Racing Hall of Fame and Museum. Free and open to the public. The work remains on display through December 31. Call 803642-7758 or visit

Artist Workshop: Watercolors with Mary Whyte is Saturday, December 3, from 9 a.m.-4 p.m., at the Morris Museum of Art, and will focus on portraiture techniques for all skill levels. Space is limited to 13 participants. Advance, paid registration required. $300 for members; $325 for non-members. Basic materials included. Call 706-724-7501 or visit

Working South: Paintings and Sketches by Mary Whyte opens Friday, December 2, at 6 p.m., at the Morris Museum of Art, and features a discussion led by the artist. Reception follows. Free for members; $5 for non-members. Call 706-724-7501 or visit

Diamond in the Rough Artistic Showcase is Saturday, December 3, from 4-6 p.m., at the Headquarters Branch Library. Free. Call Joe Rob at 704-200-1293 or visit Sunday Sketch is Sunday, December 4, from 2-3:30 p.m., at the Morris Museum of Art, and gives patrons the opportunity to sketch in the galleries, with materials provided by the museum. Check-in in the activity room. Free. Call 706-724-7501 or visit Very Merry Morris Sunday is Sunday, December 4, from 2-5 p.m., at the Morris Museum of Art, and

16 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11

New cycling advocacy group Wheel Movement will host a Ride of Celebration in memory of Dr. Matthew Burke, Dr. Dan Dickinson and Johnathan Tisdale, three cyclists who died this past year. The free ride on Saturday, December 3, at 9:30 a.m., begins at Enterprise Mill, where it ends with a meeting and lunch to discuss its strategic plan and to sign up members. For more information, email wheelmovement@

December exhibitions at the Aiken Center for the Arts include T’is the Season Invitational of pieces $300 and under, the Plein Air Painters, and Judy Adamick and Anne Rauton Smith. Call 803-6419094 or visit David Swanagin and Mike C. Berry Exhibit shows through December 31 at Sacred Heart Cultural Center. Call 706-826-4700 or visit

V. 22 | NO. 66

“Local Color: Photography in the South” is an exhibition that shows through January 29, 2012, at the Morris Museum of Art and includes photographers Dave Anderson, John Baeder, William Christenberry, William Eggleston, Meryl Truett and more. Call 706-724-7501 or visit

Theatre at Augusta State University. Mill Cafe and the Greater Augusta Arts Council. Call 706-826-4702, ext. 6, or visit Proceeds will benefit local children’s charities. Call 706-860-0998 or visit Augusta International Folk Dance Club meets Tuesday nights from 7:30 to 9:30 at the Augusta Ballet Studio on 2941 Walton Way. No partners needed. First visit free. Info: call Tim at 706-399-2477.

The Annual Quilt Exhibition shows through December 31 at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History. Call 706-724-3576 or visit


“Eli’s Bethlehem Inn,” a Musical Dinner Theater Production, shows through December 2 at the Kroc Center. $15. For performance dates and times, and to purchase tickets, call 706-771-7777 or visit

William Willis: Paintings and Drawings shows at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art through December 13. Call 706722-5495 or visit Making Something Ancient of the New, sculpture by Kath Girdler Engler, shows through January 8 at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-724-7501 or visit

give the gift of local art friday, december 2, at gaartdensity


A Celtic Christmas is Friday, December 2, at 7:30 p.m., at St. Mary on the Hill Catholic Church’s parish hall, and features Harry O’Donoghue, host of Georgia Public Radio’s “The Green Island Radio Show,” and Carroll Brown, acclaimed singer, songwriter and guitarist. $15. Call Jeff Ryan at 706-2841531 or email Holiday Concert with Lyra Vivace and the Augusta Children’s Chorale is Sunday, December 4, at 4 p.m., at Church of the Most Holy Trinity. Free. Call 706-826-4718 or visit Tuesday’s Music Live, featuring the University of Georgia Accidentals, is Tuesday, December 6, at noon, at Saint Paul’s Church, and features lunch, catered by Crums on Central following the noon concert. Reservations for lunch are required. Call 706-722-3463 or visit Augusta Collegium Musicum: Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols is Tuesday, December 6, at 7:30 p.m., at Sacred Heart Cultural Center, and features Davidson Fine Arts School Choir. $25. Reservations required. Call 706-7335619 or visit Celtic Christmas Guitar Concert is Wednesday, December 7, at 7:30 p.m., at Enterprise Mill Event Center, and features Robin Bullock and Steve Baughman. $15 in advance; $20 at the door. A percentage of the proceeds will benefit PRESS ON, committed to medical research for the treatment of childhood cancers. Tickets are available for purchase at Fat Man’s V. 22 | NO. 66

Vino e Voce: an Evening of Wine and Song is Thursday, December 8, from 7-9 p.m. at the home of Al Cheatham, 808 Milledge Road. $50 per person. Black tie optional. RSVP by December 1. Call 706364-9114 or visit The Salvation Army School of the Performing Arts holds classes each Tuesday. Included is instruction in piano, drums, guitar, voice and brass. Call 706364-4069 or visit


“The Happy Everything Cookbook” Event is Thursday, December 1, from 3-5 p.m., at La Dee Da, in North Augusta, and features a kitchen workshop and cookbook signing with authors Laura Johnson and Susie Murray. Free. Call 803-426-1655.

Films on Friday: “The Palm Beach Story” shows Friday, December 2, at noon, at The Morris Museum of Art, and will be followed by a discussion led by museum Director Kevin Grogan. Participants are invited to bring a lunch. Free and open to the public. Call 706-724-7501 or visit “Rodelinda,” streamed live from The Met, shows Saturday, December 3, at 12:30 p.m., at Regal Augusta Exchange Stadium 20 & IMAX. $18-$24. Call 706-667-6653. “Satyagraha,” streamed live from The Met, shows Wednesday, December 7, at 12:30 p.m., at Regal Augusta Exchange Stadium 20 & IMAX. $18-$24. Call 706667-6653.

“The Best Christmas Pageant Ever” shows Friday, December 2-Saturday, December 3, at 8 p.m., at the Aiken Community Playhouse. $20. Call 803648-1438 or visit

“Santa Buddies” shows Wednesday, December 7, from 4-5:30 p.m., at North Augusta Branch Library. Free, and participants are invited to bring their own refreshments. Call 803-642-7575 or visit

“Fruitcakes” shows Friday, December 2-Saturday, December 3, at 8 p.m., at William Miller Bouknight Theatre in Edgefield. $15. Call 803-637-3833 or visit Auditions for “The Marvelous Wonderettes” are Sunday, December 4, at 3 p.m., and Wednesday, December 7, at 7 p.m., at the Aiken Community Playhouse. Performances are February 17 and 18. Call 803-648-1438 or visit “My Fair Lady” shows Tuesday, December 6, at 7:30 p.m., at Bell Auditorium. $32-42. Call 1-877-4AUGTIX or visit “The Frog Prince at Christmas,” a Patchwork Players production, is Wednesday, December 7, at 9:30 and 10:30 a.m., at Maxwell Theatre at Augusta State University. $3. Call 706737-1625 or visit


“Twas the Night” Christmas Play is Thursday, December 8, at 10 a.m., at the Headquarters Branch Library. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-8212600 or visit

“It’s the Night Before Christmas,” presented by Augusta West Dance Guild, is Saturday, December 3, at 11 a.m. and 3 p.m., at Maxwell Performing Arts


“Christmas Belles” shows Friday, December 2-Saturday, December 3, at 7 p.m., at Fort Gordon Dinner Theatre, and features Santa, sheep and an Elvis impersonator. $25-$40. Call 706-7938552 or visit

Book Signing and talk, featuring Steve Naifeh and Gregory Smith White, authors of “Van Gogh: The Life,” is Thursday, December 1, at 6 p.m. at the Aiken Center for the Arts. Free. Call 803-6419094 or visit “Nutcracker,” presented by Dance Augusta, is Friday, December 2, at 7 p.m., at the Imperial Theatre. $20-29. Call 706-722-8341 or visit

December 31. Mail scripts to Quickies, c/o Le Chat Noir, 304 Eighth Street, Augusta, Ga., 30901, or email them to

Local authors are invited to submit original scripts for Quickies 2012, the short play festival at Le Chat Noir. Scripts should be 10-15 pages; all styles and subject matters considered. Deadline is

Special Events

First Thursday in Summerville is December 1 from 5-8 p.m. on Kings Way, and features food, cocktails and shopping. Visit Fort Gordon Tree Lighting Ceremony is Thursday, December 1, at 6 p.m., at Barton Field Outdoor Theater, and features Santa Claus, Chris Kringle Mart, hayrides, refreshments and a bonfire. Free and open to the public. Call 706791-6433 or visit Holiday Tree Lighting at Augusta State University is Thursday, December 1, at 6 p.m., and features caroling, refreshments and a visit from Old Saint Nick. Call 706737-1610 or visit 41st Annual Christmas Craft Show is Friday, December 2-Saturday, December 3, from 9 a.m.-5 p.m., at the Odell Weeks Center, and features vendors from all over the southeast. Free. All ages are invited. Children must be accompanied by an adult. Call 803-642-7631. Holiday Open House and Artisans Market is Friday, December 2-Saturday, December 3, from 10 a.m.-9 p.m. on Friday and 10 a.m.-4 p.m. on Saturday at the Arts and Heritage Center of North Augusta. This free event features art exhibits, samples of gift shop foods, and holiday music. Call 803-441-4380 or METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 17

visit First Friday is December 2 at 5 p.m. in downtown Augusta, and features art and craft vendors, and live entertainment and music. Visit First Friday Wine Tasting is December 2 from 5-8 p.m., at Wine World in North Augusta. Call 803-279-9522 or visit Old Sckool Holiday Party, featuring live music, dancing, food, door prizes and more for the entire family, is Friday, December 2, from 6-9 p.m. on the second floor of 601 Broad Street. $5 admission benefits the CSRA African American Arts Alliance, a nonprofit community organization. Visit Olde Town Candlelight Christmas Tour of Homes is Friday, December 2, and Saturday, December 3, from 6-9 p.m., on the 300 block of Broad Street, and features a diverse selection of apartments and homes, as well as festive music. Three renovated organizations on Greene Street will also be open to tours. Tickets are $10 in advance, $15 at the door, and are available at Fireside Outdoor Kitchens and Grills, Martina’s Flowers and Gifts, Sundries Urban Market, Heritage Academy, Schweitzer Art Glass, Fox’s Lair and The Book Tavern. Call 706-664-8228. Annual Downtown Aiken Christmas Tree Lighting is Friday, December 2, at 6:30 p.m., at Laurens Street and Richland Avenue, and features music, refreshments and a special visit from Santa and Mrs. Claus. Visit Sixth Annual Red Ribbon Ball, in honor of World AIDS Day, is Friday, December 2, from 7-10 p.m., at the Marion Hatcher Center, and features a charity raffle, an appetizers buffet and a cash bar. $35. Sponsored by St. Stephens Ministry. Call 706-722-7092. A Holly Day is Saturday, December 3, all day, and features a festive shopping experience in downtown Aiken. Free. Call 803-6492221 or visit Alleluia Community Christmas Festival is Saturday, December 3, from 10 a.m.-8 p.m., at Peach Orchard and Lumpkin roads, and features baked goods, German and Italian foods, live entertainment, games, silent auction, bookstore, crafts and a coffeehouse. Call 706-798-1882. Christmas Light-Up Spectacular is Saturday, December 3, from noon-8 p.m., at the 18 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11

Augusta Common, and features Saturday Market on the River, activities, vendors, music, a parade at 3 p.m., and fireworks.

and Santa. Businesses will stay open late. Free. Call 803-649-2221 or visit

Christmas in the Country is Saturday, December 3, from noon-9 p.m., at Kackleberry Farms, and features a Christmas tree farm, Santa, s’mores and hot chocolate. This event continues each weekend through December 18 from noon-9 p.m. on Saturdays and 2-8 p.m. on Sundays. $7; an additional $10 for Snow Days. Call 487-625-8668 or visit

Hayride through the Life of Christ begins Thursday, December 8, at 7 p.m., at the Columbia County Fairgrounds, and includes hot chocolate. Free. Sponsored by Sharon Baptist Church. 706-541-0667.

Augusta Christmas Parade is Saturday, December 3, at 3 p.m., downtown. Visit

A Harrisburg Mill Village Christmas Open House is Thursday, December 8, from 7-9 p.m., at Salon 606 on Crawford Avenue, and features Christmas jazz. Reservations requested. $5. Visit events/177569065671512.

Columbia County’s Christmas in America Tree Lighting Ceremony is Saturday, December 3, from 3-7 p.m., at the new Evans Towne Center Park, and features Santa, music and more. Bring canned food items to benefit Columbia County Cares Food Pantry. Call 706-312-7192 or visit

Berry Center Inc. 50th Anniversary Art Sale and Holiday Celebration is Sunday, December 4, from 2-4 p.m., at The Partridge Inn, and features holiday jazz with Bill Karp. Free. Visit Deck the Halls with Historic Augusta is Wednesday, December 7, at 10:30 a.m. and 5:30 p.m., at the Boyhood Home of President Woodrow Wilson, 415 Seventh Street, and features a seasonal floral demonstration by Greg Boulus of Charleston Street Fine Flowers and Events. Attendees will create their own evergreen displays to take home. Bring clippers. $30 per person. Call 706-7240436 or visit Aiken County Historic Gingerbread Contest begins Thursday, December 8, at 10 a.m., at the Aiken County Historical Museum. Free. Call 803-642-2015 or visit Night of 1,000 Lights is Thursday, December 8, all day, in downtown Aiken, and features luminaries, food, festivities

Total Package Day Spa Party is Friday, December 2, at 6:30 p.m., at Elegant Extensions Salon & Spa, 923 Broad Street, and features THRIV Wellness & Weight Loss sessions, massages, mini makeovers and beauty tips, manicures and pedicures, music, door prizes, and refreshments. $75 for singles; $125 for couples. Reservations required. Call 706-925-1352. Low Cost Rabies Vaccination Clinic is Saturday, December 3, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m., at the Columbia County Animal Shelter, 1940 William Few Parkway, and features 200 one-year rabies vaccinations, available on a first come, first served basis. $5 per pet. Call 706541-4077.

Lingerie Fashion Show, featuring local designer Sally Keiser, is Saturday, December 3, at Sky City. Doors open at 8 p.m.; and the show, featuring music by DJ Cielo, Coca Dylan and Funk You, begins at 9 p.m. Visit Merchants Association of Columbia County Christmas Parade is Sunday, December 4, at 2 p.m., beginning at Evans Town Centre Boulevard, to Washington Road, to North Belair Road, and ending at Cox Road. Free. Visit

1, from 5:45-8 p.m. at Georgia Health Science’s Children’s Medical Center (Building 1010 C), and features instruction in how to provide safe sleeping spaces for infants. Sponsored by Safe Kids East Central. Call Rene Hopkins at 706-721-7606 or visit

Multiple Sclerosis and Parkinson Disease Aquatics Class meet every Monday and Friday, at noon at the Wilson Family Y. Free for members; $3 for non-members. For more information and registration, call Claudia Collins at 706-922-9664 or visit have a celtic christmas friday, december 2, at st mary’s with harry o’donoghue Tours of the Boyhood Home of President Woodrow Wilson are Tuesday-Saturday, from 10 a.m.-4 p.m., on the hour, at 415 Seventh Street, and feature Civil War era holiday decorations by Charleston Street Fine Flowers and Events and a Christmas tree by students at C.T. Walker Traditional Magnet School. $3-$5; free for children under 5. Groups of 10 or more need a reservation. Call 706-724-0436 or visit Lights of the South continues daily through December 30 from 6-10 p.m. at 633 Louisville Road, and features light displays, hay rides, Santa and holiday treats. $7.50, adults; $4, children ages 4-17. Call 706-825-6441 or visit Weekly Wine Tastings at Vineyard Wine Market in Evans are each Friday from 4:30-6:30 p.m. and each Saturday from 1-6 p.m. Call 706-922-9463 or visit


Cribs for Kids is Thursday, December

Adapted Wii Special Populations available by appointment at the Wilson Family Y, and feature individual ½-hour classes for physically and developmentally challenged individuals of all ages. $10, members; $20, non-members. Call Claudia Collins at 706-922-9662 or visit Child Safety Seat Inspections, offered by Safe Kids East Central, are available by appointment at either MCGHealth Building 1010C or the Martinez Columbia Fire Rescue Engine Company 3. Call 706-721-7606 for an appointment at MCGHealth or 706-860-7763 in Martinez. Car seat classes are also available by appointment at these two locations, and those interested should call 706-721-7606 for an appointment. Visit Infant CPR Anytime Learning Program will be held Thursdays at 6:30 p.m. at the first floor information desk (west entrance) of MCGHealth. Visit


Burn Support Group meets each Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. in the Lori Rogers Nursing Library at Doctors Hospital. Call 706651-4343 or visit V. 22 | NO. 66

Moms Connection, a free support group for new mothers and their babies, meets Tuesdays from 1-2 p.m. at MCGHealth Building 1010C. Call 706-721-9351 or visit

number for each child, ages 1-12. Each registered child must be present at the toy giveaway Monday, December 19, at 9 a.m., at the James Brown Arena. Visit


12th Annual Augusta Motorcycle Toy Run to Benefit Military Families is Sunday, December 4, at 1:30 p.m., and features hot soup and refreshments after the ride. The run leaves from the Augusta Museum of History and ends at 4010 Deans Bridge Road, where toys will be collected. All motorcycles welcome. $10, or one new, unwrapped toy. Sponsored by the Southeastern Chapter of the Paralyzed Veterans of America. Call 803634-0785.

GED Classes at Headquarters Branch Library are offered every Monday and Thursday at 6 p.m. Registration not required. You must have a PINES library card. Call 706-863-1946. Classes are also offered at the Harlem Branch Library every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 8:30 p.m. Call 706-5569795 or visit ESL Classes at Headquarters Branch Library are offered every Wednesday at 6 p.m. To register, call Charles Garrick at 803-279-3363 or visit


Trees for Troops is Thursday, December 1, at 4 p.m., at Fort Gordon’s Barton Field, and features live evergreen trees for active duty military personnel. Sponsored by Christmas Spirit Foundation and FedEx. Free, on a first come first served basis. Call 706-7918777 or visit SafeHomes’ Jingle Jam 10K is Saturday, December 3, at 8 a.m. at the Evans Town Center Park. $35 in advance; $40 at the race expo. Race expo and packet pickup is Friday, December 2, from 1-8 p.m. at Evans Town Center Park. No race-day registration available. Visit register/?event=6396. North Augusta Tour of Homes is Friday, December 2, from 5:30-9:30 p.m., at The River Club at Hammond’s Ferry, and features the historic star of Edgefield, the Heritage Corridor’s “Rivers, Rails and Roads” exhibit, and refreshments. Tickets are $20 and may be purchased at Communigraphics, Jim Bush Flower Shop, North Augusta Chamber of Commerce and Parks Pharmacy. Proceeds benefit Beta Sigma Phi scholarships to North Augusta High School seniors, the North Augusta PAL Boxing Club, North Augusta School Wish List and other North Augusta charities. Call 803-279-4844. Pet Food Drive is Saturday, December 3, from 8 a.m.-1 p.m., at Health Center Credit Union in Evans, and features a pet food drive, art and pet-themed gifts. Proceeds benefit Long Dog Rescue and Pawprints Foundation. Call 706-863-2067. James Brown Toy Giveaway Registration is Saturday, December 3, from 9-11 a.m., at the James Brown Arena. Parents must bring a valid state ID, birth certificate and Social Security V. 22 | NO. 66

2011 Cares for Kids Radiothon begins Thursday, December 8, from 6 a.m.-7 p.m., with WBBQ and Kiss FM broadcasting live from Georgia Health Sciences University Children’s Medical Center. Call 877-719-5437 or visit Salvation Army Angel Tree Christmas Assistance program is going on now at six area Walmarts, the Augusta Mall, CSRA Credit Union, the Kroc Center and the Salvation Army Family Thrift Store. To participate, removea tag from the Angel Tree, shop for the items requested and return them, unwrapped, to the same place by December 9. Gifts will be distributed December 20. Call 706-9221524 or visit

for members; $25 per month for nonmembers. Register at any Family Y or visit

the woods, led by Janet Haskell. Meet at Beach House. Free with park pass. Call 706-541-0321 or visit

The Spirits of the Holidays Historic Trolley Tours begin Friday, December 2, at 7 and 9 p.m., at the Augusta Museum of History, and features tours of downtown Augusta and North Augusta Christmas lights, and Merry Scray Christmas Karaoke and Holley-Trolley Dessert Tour. $12-$22. Reservations required. Tours continue Fridays and Saturdays through December 31. Call 706-364-6608 or visit tours@

Saturday Historic Trolley Tour is Saturday, December 3, from 1-4:15 p.m. at the Augusta Museum of History. Reservations required 24 hours in advance. $12. Call 706-724-4067 or visit

Augusta Riverhawks vs. Mississippi Surge is Friday, December 2, at 7:30 p.m. at the James Brown Arena. $10-$18. Call 706993-2645 or visit

The Augusta Fencers Club is open five nights a week from 5:30-9 p.m. and most Saturday mornings from 10 a.m.-noon. Visitors always welcome. Call 706-722-8878.

Ride of Celebration, sponsored by Wheel Moment cycling advocacy organization, is Saturday, December 3, at 9:30 a.m. at Enterprise Mill. The hour and a half ride will be held in honor of Dr. Matthew Burke, Johnathan Tisdale and Dr. Dan Dickinson, three cyclist who died over the past year. After the ride, Wheel Movement will hold a luncheon in which is will lay out its strategic plan and start a membership drive. Free. Email

Lakeside Rideouts at Hilltop Riding Stables at Fort Gordon are each Sunday beginning at 1:30 p.m. on a first-come first-served basis. The ride, which begins at two, is a two-hour guided ride to Wilkerson Lake. $45-$50. Call 706-7914864 or visit


Augusta Riverhawks vs. Knoxville Ice Bears game is Thursday, December 1, at 7:30 p.m. at the James Brown Arena. $10-$18. Call 706-993-2645 or visit Break Dance Class begins Friday, December 2, from 7-8:30 p.m., at the Wilson Family Y, and is designed to promote dance and culture for individuals ages 13 and older while emphasizing Christian character values. Sessions are four weeks long. Free

Group Run begins each Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. at Nacho Mama’s. Three- and fourmile routes are available for all ages and abilities of runners. Call 706-414-4059 or email Thursday Night Chain Reaction Ride begins at 6 p.m. each Thursday at Patriots Park in Grovetown. For intermediate to fast-paced cyclists, who average 25-32 miles. Participants should bring their own water and helmet. Call 706-855-2024 or visit

Fleet Feet Sports in North Augusta is giving away free shoes for a year, as well as five other prizes, when participants buy raffle tickets for $10 Each. Proceeds from the raffle sale will go to Action Ministries to provide 10 local children with Christmas gifts. Call 803-426-1474 or visit Karma Yoga is offered at Just Breathe Studio, downtown Aiken, each Friday at 10 a.m. and is free if participants bring a donation of a personal item which will be given to the Cumbee Center to Assist Abused Persons. Call 803-648-8048 or visit

Augusta Riverhawks vs. Huntsville Havoc is Thursday, December 8, at 7:30 p.m. at the James Brown Arena. $10-$18. Call 706-993-2645 or visit

Riverview Disc Golf League meets each Thursday at 6 p.m. at Riverview Park in North Augusta. $5 entry fee and $1 ace pool. Call 803-215-8181 or visit

see sally keiser’s eye-popping lingerie saturday, december 3, at sky city

Road Bike Ride meets each Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse downtown for an approximately 25-mile ride at a moderate to fast pace. Front and rear lights, as well as a helmet, are required. Call 706724-6777 or visit

Civil War 150th Anniversary Petersburg Boat Tour is Saturday, December 3, and Sunday, December 4, at 10 a.m. on Saturday and at 1:30 and 4:30 p.m. on Sunday. This one-hour tour explores the role the canal played during the war. $12.50. Visit

Wheelchair Tennis Clinic, presented by the Walton Foundation for Independence, meets each Monday at 6 p.m. (weather permitting) at The Club at Rae’s Creek. Free and open to the public. Call 706826-5809 or email

Geocaching Event is Saturday, December 3, from 1-4 p.m., at Mistletoe State Park, and features a treasure hunt in

Augusta Canal Boat Tours lasting one hour are offered daily at 10 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m. and 3 p.m. Saturday Sunset Cruises, lasting three hours, are METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 19

at 5 p.m. All tours include admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center. Call 706-823-0440 or visit

December 5, at 5:30 p.m., at Euchee Creek Branch Library. Free. Call 706556-0594 or visit

Yoga Class at Euchee Creek Library meets every Tuesday at 4 p.m. Call 706556-0594 or visit

Drop and Shop is Monday-Friday in December, 9 a.m.-noon, at the Family Y of North Augusta, and features childcare for children 6 months-12 years of age. $9 per child per day for members; $15 per child per day for non-members. Register at any Family Y or visit


Toddler Time: Crazy About Collage! is Thursday, December 1, from 10-11 a.m. and 11:15 a.m.-12:15 p.m. at The Morris Museum of Art. Free for museum family members and parents; $4 per participant for non-members. Call 706724-7501 or visit Tae Kwon Do lessons begin Thursday, December 1, at the Wilson Family Y. $35 a month for members; $55 a month for non-members. Bi-weekly lessons available for all skill levels, ages 5 and up. Register at any Family Y or visit Nutty Squirrels is Saturday, December 3, from 10-11 a.m., at Reed Creek Nature Park and Interpretive Center, and features information on how squirrels are an essential part of our ecosystem. Children must be accompanied by an adult. Pre-registration required. Free for members; $2 per child for nonmembers. Call 706-210-4027 or visit Parents’ Night Out is Saturday, December 3, from 6-9:30 p.m., at the Wilson Family Y, and features a fun, entertaining night for children ages 2-12. $10 per child for members; $15 per child for nonmembers. Register at any Family Y or visit Laughing Pizza is Sunday, December 4, at 3 p.m., at the Kroc Center. $15 in advance; $20 at the door. Call 917-7206019 or visit

Lap-Sit Story Time, for children under two, is every Tuesday at the Columbia County Library at 11 a.m. Story time for two-year-olds is every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 10:15 a.m. and for preschoolers at 11 a.m. Group registration required. Call 706-8631946 or visit

Ceramics Class, for ages 14 and up, meets Mondays at 9 a.m. or 6 p.m., Tuesdays at 6 p.m. and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. in the Weeks Ceramics Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit Wacky Wednesday Story Time is each Wednesday at 10 a.m. in the children’s department of Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall. Call 706-737-0012 or visit Homeschool Playgroup meets each Thursday at 10:30 a.m. at Creighton Park in North Augusta. Call 803-613-0484. Toddler Story Time and Preschool Story Time take place every Thursday in September at 10:30 a.m. and at 11:15 a.m. at the North Augusta Library.


Preschool Story Time is every Tuesday at Headquarters Branch Library at 10 a.m. Toddler Story Time is every Wednesday at 10 a.m. Group registration required. Call 706-821-2600 or visit

Games for Seniors at the Weeks Center in Aiken include Rummikub each Thursday from 9 a.m.-noon, Mahjong each Thursday from 1-4 p.m., Bridge each Friday from 11:30 a.m.-3 p.m., Bingo each Tuesday at 9 a.m., Pinochle each Tuesday from 10:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; and Canasta on Tuesdays and Fridays from 11:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Call 803-6427631 or visit

Kackleberry Farms is open Saturdays 10 a.m.-10 p.m. and Sundays 1-5 p.m. Visit

Line Dancing is each Tuesday at the Weeks Center in Aiken at 10 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit

The Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club Junior Academy, for boys and girls ages 5-8, meets each Thursday at 5:30 p.m. at the Augusta Soccer Park. Call 706-8540149 or visit

Silversneakers I is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at 11:15 a.m., while Silversneakers Yogastretch is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 11:15 a.m. at the Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-6427631 or visit

Toddler Time, free play for children ages 5 and under, is each Monday and Wednesday from 9:30-11:30 a.m. at the

Ceramics Class is offered at 9 a.m. on Mondays or Wednesdays and 6 p.m.

on Mondays or Tuesdays at the Weeks Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit Fit 4 Ever is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 10-11 a.m. Call 803-6427631 or visit Yoga I and II is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 8:45-9:45 a.m. and on Mondays and Wednesdays from 5:306:30 p.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit


Augusta Genealogical Society Meeting is Thursday, December 1, at 3 p.m., at the Augusta Museum of History, and features a discussion, led by Marguerite Fogleman, of the War of 1812 and Sackett’s Harbor, N.Y. Free. Call 706722-4073. Crafters Night is each Monday from 6-8 p.m. at the Kroc Center. Call 706-3645762 or visit Simple Cooking Class meets each Monday from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Kroc Center. Call 706-364-5762 or visit The Garden City Chorus, the area’s leading men’s singing group and a member of the Barbershop Harmony Society, is seeking new members. Those interested are welcome to attend Tuesday night rehearsals, held at 7 p.m. at North Augusta Church of Christ on W. Martintown Road. Visit

If you would like to see your organization’s events listed in our calendar, please email Amy Christian at The deadline for each Thursday’s issue is the previous Friday at noon.


Magical Holiday Story Time is Monday,

Mother’s Morning Out is every Tuesday and Thursday, 9 a.m.-1 p.m., at the Wilson Family Y for children ages 3-4. The schedule follows the Richmond County school calendar. $90 per month for members; $110 per month for nonmembers. Register at any Family Y or visit

H.O. Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803642-7631 or visit

(actual size) 1.5” x 1.9” Tall $40 per week 20 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11

All declassified ads are Cash in Advance (credit card payment required) and are $40 per week. Visit to place your ad in minutes. V. 22 | NO. 66

Rock Bottom Music offers musical instrument packs that include everything you need to play. The photo is a Fender Strat-Pack, Ludwig Legacy and Ludwig Junior Drum Kit. Packs for guitar, bass, mandolin and banjo usually range from $149.99-$299.99. You can also personalize a pack at a discounted price. Get a free lesson with a professional music instructor with the purchase of most instruments. We offer layaway, service after the sale and the lowest price.

Rock Bottom Music/Karow Sound 758 Broad Street, Augusta | 706.724.1172 202 Richland Avenue W., Aiken | 803.649.1919

The greatest gift is self-confidence. Breast Reconstruction Breast Enhancement Surgery The Mommy Makeover Body Contouring Surgery Dermal Fillers & Fraxel速 Rejuvenation Botox速 Therapy

Dr. Troy Austin

Plastic Surgery, Cosmetic, Reconstruction, Hand

Southeastern Aesthetic Surgery 447 N. Belair Road | 706.854.2080

Visit Columbia County’s newest tobacco shop for all of your cigar needs. Not only do we feature premium cigars and tobacco, but also top of the line lighters, cutters, and pipe lighters. We carry authentic Spanish cedar humidors and humidifiers which make great holiday gifts. Relax in our smoking lounge and enjoy a cigar. 10 a.m.-8 p.m. Monday through Thursday 10 a.m.-9 p.m. Friday and Saturday Noon-6 p.m. Sunday

Tobacco House 341 Fury’s Ferry Road | 706.863.0610

We’re the authority for all things regarding outdoor kitchens! We can design your very own outdoor kitchen or educate you on the differences between the 16 brands of outdoor grills we sell. Our expert staff will show you how to use every product in our store, from charcoal and smoking chips to the more than 60 spices and rubs we stock. Free cooking lessons are offered every Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. in front of our store.

Fireside Outdoor Kitchens & Grills 1242 Broad Street, Augusta | 706.722.3939

It’s a fact. People’s lives are changed in our gym. Working mothers, housewives, teenagers, dads, kids, you name it. Someone in your circle of friends has been touched by Greubel’s. For Christmas this year, give your loved one a gift certificate to work out with us. We promise we’ll help them be the best doctor, the best mom or dad, the best delivery driver, attorney or student they can be. It’s our passion and you’ll feel it when you step in our doors. Ask about our free month. No strings attached!

GREUBELS MIXED MARTIAL ARTS 2917 Riverwest Dr. Suite 105 | Augusta | 706.737.0911 Conveniently located at the intersection of Riverwatch Parkway and I-20

Serving the CSRA since 1960, Neptune Dive and Ski has specializing in SCUBA, snow ski/snowboard and swimming. Conveniently located off Washington Road next to Lake Olmstead, Neptune features complete lines of SCUBA and wakeboard equiptment, snow ski and snowboard clothing, and equiptment (for sale and for rent). We have great gifts for the skier, snowboarder, diver or hunter starting at $20. Open Monday through Saturday from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Neptune Dive and Ski 2305 Redwood Drive, Augusta | 706.737.7900

Offering a wide assortment of gifts for $20 and under made by local artists and craftsmen.

Art On Broad

1028 Broad Street, Augusta | 706.722.1028

Gift cards are available at all five Top Notch locations with special holiday pricing that includes a 20 percent bonus value added to each gift card purchase now through Christmas! Use for washes, oil changes, retail merchandise and services such as waxes, shampoos and details! Top Notch is the only locally owned car wash that offers express washes, exterior only, and full service washes.

Top Notch Car Wash

Washington Road | 706.738.0753 • South Augusta | 706.793.3762 Evans | 706.868.1450 • Martinez | 706.868.1550 Wrightsboro Road | 706.738.1300

Assorted Holiday Cupcakes Cranberry Amaretto Chocolate Peppermint Gingerbread Eggnog Pralines N Cream Pumpkin Spice Red Velvet Regular Size - $36 Minis - $12 Includes ribbon & bow.

Neapolitan Cupcake Shoppe 106 Pleasant Home Road, Augusta | 706.814.8959 126 Laurens Street NW, Aiken | 803.514.4240

We’re the super hip boutique known for chickie gifts and fabulous finds. Our store is a place to slip away and fall in love again with a fab handbag or super girlie scent. Find gifts galore that are sure to please this holiday season! Decorate yourself and your friends with a Swanky scarf and add sparkle to your gal pal’s holiday party with these great earrings! Holiday hours, starting December 1, are Monday-Saturday from 10 a.m.-7 p.m. and Sunday from 1-5 p.m.

The Swank Co.

Surrey Center | 351 Highland Avenue, Augusta | 706.364.3421

Our gift certificates make great gifts! Women’s Massage Center (separate entrance, women only) and Georgia Therapeutic Massage are located directly behind the new Lady Antebellum Amphitheater in Evans. With a combined 12 beautifully appointed massage rooms, the spa is welcoming and warm, and our gifted massage therapists will far exceed any other massage experience. Find our massage and body treatment menus on our websites!

Women’s Massage Center & Georgia Therapeutic Massage 7013 Evans Town Center Blvd. Ste 201 | 706.651.0202 | 706.364.7347

50 percent off all frames in stock during December! Kenneth Cole, Harley Davidson, Izod, Sponge Bob, Uber, Nickelodeon, Jalepenos, Harry Potter, Nike, Jane Barnes, Kensie, and more! Also, check out our Costa Del Mar sunglasses, available with prescription lenses! Eye exams by Dr. Steven Hovet, O.D. and Dr. Yan Wu, O.D. Phillip Harris, Optician Open Monday-Friday, 8:30 a.m.-5:30 p.m. and Saturday, 9 a.m.-noon *Most insurances accepted. Some limitations apply.

Murphy & Robinson Opticians 1571 Walton Way, Augusta | 706.737.2020

Perplexus is the bendy, trendy, can’t-put-it-down challenge. All three $24.99 ea PlasmaCar harnesses the natural forces of inertia, centrifugal force and gravity. Regularly $69.99 ON SALE NOW $49.99 Z-Curve Bow is the longest shooting bow around with a range of more than 100’! It’s super safe for kids! Regularly $26.99 ON SALE NOW $19.99 Remote controlled fish swim through the air. $39.99ea Monday-Saturday, 10 a.m.-8 p.m. Sunday, noon-6 p.m. FREE gift wrapping and Santa every Sunday!

Learning Express Toys of Evans 4158 Washington Road (across from Club Car) | 706.364.1795


387 Highland Ave. | Augusta, GA 30909 Mon through Fri 10 to 6 & Sat 10 to 5

Augusta’s specialty retail and fly fishing

% 0 2 E V SA

outfitters, located in Surrey Center.


*Offer excludes Yeti Coolers


Sparkly vampires and seizure-inducing birth scenes for the win. RANK





































“The Muppets”

Sam Eifling Campy movie makes viewers wonder where these creatures have been all these years Jokes about how out-of-date the Muppets are date to at least 1996, when Lisa Simpson asked Homer, “Dad, what’s a Muppet?” (His response: “Well, it’s not quite a mop and it’s not quite a puppet…”) For anyone familiar with Jim Henson’s cast of foam-and-fur puppets (date of origin: 1954), it’s a bizarre conceit even to ask: The Muppets were staples on “Sesame Street” (since 1969) and “The Muppet Show” (b. 1976, d. 1981) and “Fraggle Rock” (’83 to ’87) and then as pint-sized animations on “Jim Henson’s Muppet Babies” (’84-’91) and, in the last TV show to include the word “Muppets” in its title, the short-lived “Muppets Tonight,” which drew down in 1998. There were eight movies from 1979 to 2005 to remind the world of Muppetdom, but no theatrical releases since the 1999 flop “Muppets in Space.” Their one-time ubiquity is no more. The average 15-year-old might be inexcusably ignorant in myriad ways, but by now you can’t blame the poor thing for wondering what a Muppet is. The sense of general Muppetlessness is a central conceit of “The Muppets,” a reboot title if ever there was one. In it, a boy named Walter grows up in Smalltown, U.S.A., feeling a bit different — kinda short, reedy and made with some kind of supple foam. You could probably diagnose him with Muppetism upon sight, but

V. 22 | NO. 66

he just becomes a hardcore Muppet fanboy without ever understanding why. When his brother Gary (Jason Segel, who also splits a writing credit) invites Walter to join him and his girlfriend of 10 years Mary (Amy Adams) on a trip to the Muppets’ old studio, Walter is elated. Then in L.A. he finds the studio in a state of decrepitude (not unlike the franchise) and learns that an oil baron named Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) is buying the studio in order to raze it and drill. A loophole in the contract means the Muppets can halt the sale if they can scrounge up a cool 10 million bucks, so Walter seeks out Muppet ringleader Kermit the Frog, whose only solution to raising that kind of fliff is to put on a show. But it turns out these “Muppets” Muppets are as rusty as the real-life Muppets. They haven’t performed together for years, and as Kermit tries to get the gang back together he finds the talents of Fozzie the Bear being wasted in a Reno casino fronting a tribute act called the Moopets, while Gonzo is indulging his inner plumbing executive and Animal is in some kind of new age retreat to wean him away from drumming. The Muppets were always a comfortably meta enterprise, happy to kick down the fourth wall if it meant even a chance at a chuckle, but “The Muppets” is self-aware even by their standards. This movie about the

Muppets’ comeback show to help save them from obscurity and ruin is that very comeback show! And it’s pretty funny! Every size and shape of joke gets tossed in; if you balk at Fozzie’s cornball vaudeville, no matter, as a Gonzo pratfall or Chris Cooper rap is moments away. The camp is high, and it’s everywhere. Director James Bobin, in his first feature film, taps the absurdist musical spirit of his “Flight of the Conchords” to slip song into even the smallest crannies of the plot, and it’s in these

numbers that the nostalgia rides highest. When Smalltown’s good citizens jump into choreographed lines as mail carriers and milkmen and florists, the Muppets’ vision of America is realized: quaint yet garish, earnest yet sly, unabashedly silly. If this was all you knew of the Muppets, you’d have to wonder where they’ve been all these years.

METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 21




“Shame,” rated NC-17, starring Michael Fassbender, Carey Mulligan. Don’t know much about this one except that it’s rated NC-17 and is directed by Steve McQueen. Not that Steve McQueen, obviously. “Sleeping Beauty,” unrated, starring Emily Browning. It’s a really slow week in movies, folks. Don’t know much about this one, either, except it’s about a college student drawn into a “mysterious hidden world.”

Movie times are subject to change.

The Big Mo Closed for the season. They will reopen in the spring of 2012.

Masters 7 Cinemas

December 2 In Time (PG-13) 4:15, 7:15, 9:45; The Three Musketeers (PG-13) 4:30, 7, 9:35; 50/50 (R) 7:30, 9:55; Abduction (PG-13) 4, 6:45, 9:35; Dolphin Tale (PG) 4, 7, 9:45; Contagion (PG-13) 4:15, 9:25; The Help (PG-13) 4:45, 8:30; Rise of the Planet of the Apes (PG-13) 6:45; The Smurfs (PG) 5 December 3 In Time (PG-13) 1:15, 4:15, 7:15, 9:45; The Three Musketeers (PG-13) 1:45, 4:30, 7, 9:35; 50/50 (R) 7:30, 9:55; Abduction (PG-13) 12:45, 4, 6:45, 9:35; Dolphin Tale (PG) 1, 4, 7, 9:45; Contagion (PG-13) 4:15, 9:25; The Help (PG-13) 1:30, 4:45, 8:30; Rise of the Planet of the Apes (PG-13) 1:15, 6:45; The Smurfs (PG) 12:30, 2:45, 5

Evans Cinemas

No offense to “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and “Can’t Hardly Wait,” but there’s more to being a teenager than skipping school and having parties. Just ask Max Fischer, who loves everything about his upscale private school — theater, model UN (where he’s pictured at center), his teacher Miss Cross. Everything, that is, except studying, which puts his attendance and his ability to woo Miss Cross in jeopardy. Enter Herman Blume as Max’s mentor turned romantic rival and you have a teen movie unlike

anything you’ve ever seen before. It could only have come from the mind of Wes Anderson and is one of his finest works, one that should have won, or at least garnered nominations, for Jason Schwartzman as Max and Bill Murray as Herman. Just consider it a teen movie for the overachieving only child.

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December 2 Arthur Christmas (PG) 2:05, 2:50, 4:30, 5:20, 7:40, 10; Hugo (PG) 4:20, 7:05, 9:50; The Muppets (PG) 2:30, 4, 5, 6:45, 7:30, 9:20, 10; Happy Feet Two (PG) 2:40, 4:10, 5:10, 7:35, 10; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (PG-13) 2:15, 3:40, 4:50, 6:30, 7:25, 9:10, 10; Immortals (R) 6:55, 9:30; Jack and Jill (PG) 3:10, 5:30, 7:45, 9:55; J. Edgar (R) 6:35, 9:35; Tower Heist (PG-13) 3:50, 7:15, 9:45; Puss in Boots (PG) 2:20, 4:40, 7:10, 9:25; The Ides of March (R) 4:15, 9:40; Moneyball (PG-13) 6:45 December 3 Arthur Christmas (PG) 11:45, 12:30, 2:05, 2:50, 4:30, 5:20, 7:40, 10; Hugo (PG) 1:30, 4:20, 7:05, 9:50; The Muppets (PG) noon, 1:10, 2:30, 4, 5, 6:45, 7:30, 9:20, 10; Happy Feet Two (PG) 12:10, 1:40, 2:40, 4:10, 5:10, 7:35, 10; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (PG-13) 11:45, 1, 2:15, 3:40, 4:50, 6:30, 7:25, 9:10, 10; Immortals (R) 6:55, 9:30; Jack and Jill (PG) 12:50, 3:10, 5:30, 7:45, 9:55; J. Edgar (R) 6:35, 9:35; Tower Heist (PG-13) 1:20, 3:50, 7:15, 9:45; Puss in Boots (PG) 11:55, 2:20, 4:40, 7:10, 9:25; The Ides of March (R) 4:15, 9:40; Moneyball (PG-13) 12:55, 6:45

Regal Exchange 20

December 2 Arthur Christmas (PG) 12:15, 12:45, 2:45, 3:15, 5:15, 7:20, 7:50, 9:50, 10:20, 12:20; Hugo (PG) noon, 1:50, 2:55, 4:45, 7:10, 7:40, 10:05, 10:35; The Muppets (PG) 12:20, 2:10, 3:10, 4:55, 7:10, 7:40, 9:50, 10:20, 12:30; Happy Feet Two (PG) 12:15, 1:45, 2:15, 2:45, 4:15, 5:15, 7:05, 7:45, 8:15, 9:30, 10:45, 11:55; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (PG-13) noon, 1, 2, 2:45, 3:45, 4:45, 5:30, 7:15, 7:45, 8:15, 10, 10:30, 11; Immortals (R) 1:35, 2:05, 4:05, 4:35, 7:35, 8:05, 10:10, 10:40; Jack and Jill (PG) 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 9:55, 12:15; J. Edgar (R) 12:05, 3:10, 7, 10:05; Tower Heist (PG-13) 2:20, 5, 7:35, 10:10; A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (R) 4:50, 10:15, 12:35; Puss in Boots (PG) 12:10, 12:40, 2:30, 3:05, 4:50, 7:10, 7:55, 9:30, 11:50; Paranormal Activity 3 (R) 5:25, 10:25, 12:35; Moneyball/The Ides of March (2 for 1) 1:55, 7 December 3 The Metropolitan Opera: Rodelinda (NR) 12:30; Arthur Christmas (PG) 12:15, 12:45, 2:45, 3:15, 5:15, 7:20, 7:50, 9:50, 10:20, 12:20; Hugo (PG) noon, 1:50, 2:55, 4:45, 7:10, 7:40, 10:05, 10:35; The Muppets (PG) 12:20, 2:10, 3:10, 4:55, 7:10, 7:40, 9:50, 10:20, 12:30; Happy Feet Two (PG) 12:15, 1:45, 2:15, 2:45, 4:15, 5:15, 7:05, 7:45, 8:15, 9:30, 10:45, 11:55; The Twilight Saga: Breaking DawnPart 1 (PG-13) noon, 1, 2, 2:45, 3:45, 4:45, 5:30, 7:15, 7:45, 8:15, 10, 10:30, 11; Immortals (R) 1:35, 2:05, 4:05, 4:35, 7:35, 8:05, 10:10, 10:40; Jack and Jill (PG) 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 9:55, 12:15; J. Edgar (R) 12:05, 3:10, 7, 10:05; Tower Heist (PG-13) 2:20, 5, 7:35, 10:10; A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (R) 4:50, 10:15, 12:35; Puss in Boots (PG) 12:10, 12:40, 2:30, 3:05, 4:50, 7:10, 7:55, 9:30, 11:50; Paranormal Activity 3 (R) 5:25, 10:25, 12:35; Moneyball/The Ides of March (2 for 1) 1:55, 7

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Michael Johnson

Cathy McGee Kishel, Lauren Moser, Carlene Johnson and Paulette Long at the Firehouse.

Felicia Scheneider, Chris Edge, Annmarie Noegel and Leigh McCormack at Marybeth Regan Memorial Golf Tournament at Forest Hills Golf Course.

John Regan, Margret Regan, Maggie Douglas and Father Jerry Reagan at Marybeth Regan Memorial Golf Tournament at Forest Hills Golf Course.


Chris Pinto, Monica Dunn and Matthew Cazenave at the Family Y’s Gasping Gobbler 5K at Warren Road Gym.

Tanner Smith, comedian James Gregory and Casey Smith at Somewhere in Augusta.


Michelle and Chris Bauer with Luke, Sam and Augi at the Family Y’s Gasping Gobbler 5K at Warren Road Gym.

Kayla Thurmond, Parlitha Murray and Melisa Butler at the Vue.

Sandy Bennett, Grace Lollar and Donna Pennington at Somewhere in Augusta.

Michael Johnson

Charles Plunkett, Kecsey Arthur, Elizabeth Werner and Andrew Plunkett at Surry Tavern.

Purchase $100 in Gift Certificates receive a bonus $10 Gift Certificate

Serving Augusta for 28 years





Joy to the World

A gift of cupcakes is certain to provide Christmas cheer

Picture this holiday gift scenario. Someone walks into your office with a box. Nothing too fancy on the outside, but wait till you open the lid and get a load of the mini cupcakes, in two flavors, no less, in the shape of a candy cane. Or the assortment of cake pops, frosted balls of cake on a stick. A little more inclined to remember that insurance agent’s name than if you received a pen, a clock or the dreaded desk calendar? Molly Meek, owner of Neapolitan Cupcake Shoppe, thinks so. “I think it’s a smart investment because people who receive cupcakes have such an immediate reaction to them,” Meek explained. “And it shows you put a little bit more time into deciding on a gift because you had to take the time to pick out the flavors as opposed to just sending some token of appreciation that looks like you picked one out and ordered a thousand of them.”

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about her holiday themed cupcakes and the many gift-giving opportunities they offer. In addition to favorites like strawberry, lemon and salted caramel, Meek and her staff have developed new flavors, including Chocolate Peppermint and Ginger Snap, (gingerbread cake iced with either eggnog or cream cheese frosting), Pralines N Cream, Cranberry Amaretto, Pumpkin Spice and Red Velvet. Customers can choose two flavors for a candy cane cake made of mini cupcakes. But there’s also the option of ordering a holiday assortment of either full-size or mini cupcakes. “Those make great office gifts because, if you get the holiday assortment, everybody can try a little bit of each flavor,” Meek said. “It’s kind of like a wine tasting but it’s a cupcake tasting instead.” Delivery options are also available for larger orders, she said, and gift certificates are available as well. The possibilities of gift giving with cupcakes are endless, Meek explained. And the best part? The giver knows the receiver will love it. “Cupcakes have this wow factor. Not only do they smell great and look pretty, but people love them,” she said. “So they won’t be re-gifted, or thrown away or put in the back drawer. They provide that instant gratification.” And that’s something everyone can get behind, even a certain guy in a red suit who’s probably pretty tired of cookies and milk. Neapolitan Cupcake Shoppe 106 Pleasant Home Rd. Suite 2A, Augusta Tuesday-Saturday, 10 a.m.-6 p.m. 706-814-8959 126 Laurens Street NW, Aiken Tuesday-Saturday, 10 a.m.-5 p.m. 803-514-4240

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“Dear Mr. Brezsny: My name is Sonny McGee and I own a website that caters to people who are addicted to playing poker. I’m wondering if you would like to advertise your work to our audience. — Sagittarian Wheeler Dealer.” I don’t like to encourage anyone to focus their gambling urges on trivial matters like card games, sports events and lotteries. I prefer they direct that mojo to high-minded stuff like daring themselves to excel, pursuing exciting and idealistic adventures, and doing brave things to help save the world. It’s prime time for you Sagittarians to ratchet up your commitment to those kinds of gambles.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I hope you’re not so perversely attached to your demons that you’re inclined to keep providing them with a comfortable home. It’s an excellent time for you to permanently banish them from the premises. It may seem lonely at first without their nagging, disruptive voices chattering away in your head, but bid them adieu. As you plan your exorcism, include a humorous touch or two. They’re allergic to satire and mockery, you know.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The Beauvais Cathedral in northern France has been called “the most daring achievement of Gothic architecture,” but it has never been completed. Work began in the year 1225, and experts are still talking about how to solve certain ongoing difficulties with its construction. In 2012, you will be able to put the finishing touches on your own personal Beauvais Cathedral. And now would be a good time to formulate definite plans to do so.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

I’ve been negotiating with the Goddess to grant you power to change the course of rivers, at least in a metaphorical way. I’ve also beseeched her to show you how to overthrow the Puppet Master and convert overwrought hawks into savvy doves. The Goddess has even hinted she might offer you instructions on how to shape a new Adam out of one of Eve’s ribs. In return, she does request that you do what you can to make sure the sun rises on schedule for the next 10 days.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

This would be an excellent week to head down to Pucón, Chile, and hire a daredevil to fly you in a helicopter into the caldera of the active Villarrica volcano, whereupon you would bungee-jump out of the copter down to within 700 feet of the molten lava. If that’s too extreme or expensive, come up a milder adventure that will still bring you a close encounter with primal heat and light — and maybe even some divine fire.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

As a mouse looks for food or shelter, it is flexible enough to fit through a hole as small as a quarter of an inch. Of course, even if you are as slippery and pliable as you’ll need to be, you will also have to be on high alert for the inviting possibilities, some of which may be brief or subtle. Seize that moment! Refuse to get hung up in shyness. Don’t convince yourself that another chance will come along later.


After all, she added, nothing goes with this season of fun, happiness and good food more than Neapolitan’s bitesized treats. And there’s no treat that people love receiving more. “People react differently to cupcakes than they do to any other confection. They just have a very visceral reaction to cupcakes that is very joyous,” she said. “They make people happy.” This time last year, Meek had just opened the Augusta location of Neapolitan in Le Pavilion Shopping Center at the corner of Washington and Pleasant Home roads, and wasn’t able to take full advantage of the season. Now, with a year in business under her belt in Augusta, and a relatively new shop in Aiken, Meek says she is ready to help her customers celebrate. Tonight, for example, from 7-10 p.m., she’s hosting a party at the Augusta store with complimentary mini cupcakes and a champagne toast. Afterwards, customers can browse Meek’s store and perhaps pick out a few items that a certain celebrity loves. “The cupcake bath bombs we have were just named one of Oprah’s favorite things,” Meek said. “The minis are $5.50 a piece and the regular sized ones are $10.50 a piece. They make excellent stocking stuffers or package toppers.” Scarves, Santa Baby wine glasses and the additional cupcake novelty items she’s ordered will be on display. Meek has also invited several of her local vendors to display their merchandise at the event. Additionally, Meek is offering Christmas cupcake decorating classes for children. In Aiken, the classes will be held on Sunday, December 11, at either 1-3 p.m. or 3:30-5:30 p.m. In Augusta, the classes will be offered at the same times on Sunday, December 18. But while these events, along with her plans for Valentine’s Day 2012, are fun, Meek says she’s most excited

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

One of my Gemini acquaintances, Tara, has been playing a slow-moving game of tag with three friends since they were all in second grade. They’re 27 years old now, and still live in the same city. Currently, Tara is “It,” and she plans to make a move this week, sneak up on one of the other players during his lunch break, tag him and run away before he can tag her back. She’s likely to meet with success, since this is an excellent time for Geminis to gain an advantage in pretty much any kind of game.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

“Far more crucial than what we know or do not know is what we do not want to know,” wrote philosopher Eric Hoffer. It may be a challenge for you to figure out what you would rather not know, are afraid to know and might even be allergic to knowing. Maybe you could enlist a smart ally who’d be skillful in helping you uncover the taboo truth. And maybe you could formulate an intention to be as objective as you’ve ever been.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

Biologists say there are 680 species of trees and shrubs in the U.S. and Canada. By comparison, Lambir Hills National Park on the island of Borneo is the home of 1,175 species on its 128 acres. Your own creative urges will be running hotter than usual, and are most likely to thrive in contexts that are themselves teeming with lush fertility and rich diversity. Please surround yourself with inspirational influences, thereby giving yourself the best possible chance to express yourself with vivid imagination.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

“People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home,” wrote philosopher Dagobert D. Runes. Refute that assertion. Travel to all of your usual haunts and treat everything that happens there with the attitude of a first-time visitor. Just assume that the familiar people and places in your life have stimulating gifts to give and lessons to impart. Remember, though, they can’t do that to the fullest unless you expect them to.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The human brain is composed of 30 percent protein and 70 percent fat. So it wouldn’t be incorrect to refer to you as a fathead. In order to nourish your brain cells, you’ve got to eat foods that provide two essential fatty acids your body doesn’t manufacture: omega-3 ALA and omega-6 LA. Get more than your minimum requirements of these basics. Expose yourself to a lot of extraordinarily phat sources of intellectual stimulation.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The mawashi is the loincloth that Japanese sumo wrestlers wear while competing. It’s rare for the garment to come off, even in the heat of a match, but it did happen once in 2000, when a wrestler named Asanokiri suddenly found himself standing naked during his bout with Chiyohakuho. Asanokiri was immediately disqualified. Take extra precautions to prevent a metaphorical version of that occurrence. Get your act very together, and keep it very together. Rob Brezsny


METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 29

Thursday, December 1

Live Music Coyote’s - Jeremy Graham French Market Grille West - Doc Easton Smooth Jazz Joe’s Underground - Ruskin Malibu Jack’s - Mike Swift One Hundred Laurens - Kenny George Rose Hill Stables - Preston, Weston and Sandra Sky City - Black Swan Lane, Romeo Spike Surrey Tavern - Sibling String The Willcox - 4 Cats in the Dog House What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s - Karaoke Casa Blanca - Thursday Tango Club Argos - Karaoke Cocktails Lounge - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Fox’s Lair - Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia The Highlander - Butt Naked Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge - DJ Fred Nice The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) - Karaoke Pizza Joint, Evans - DJ Kris Fisher The Playground - Open Mic with Brandy Polo Tavern - DJ Nirvana Shannon’s - Karaoke Villa Europa - Karaoke with Ben Wooden Barrel - ’80s Night Karaoke

Friday, December 2

Live Music Carolina Ale House - Jim Perkins Cotton Patch - Old Man Crazy Country Club - Bill Gentry Coyote’s - Jared Wade Doubletree Hotel - A Step Up Fox’s Lair - Mike Ritchie and Jo Jo Walker French Market Grille West - Doc Easton Joe’s Underground - Jam Samwich Malibu Jack’s - Tony Williams Blues Express Metro Pub & Coffeehouse - Mama Says Playground - John Berret’s LaRoxes Polo Tavern - Robbie Ducey Band Sky City - My Instant Lunch Surrey Tavern - Playback The Band with Tutu Dyvine The Willcox - Kenny George What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s - DJ Tim Club Argos - Variety Show Cocktails Lounge - Grown-Up Fridays with DJ Cork and Bull Pub - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Iron Horse Bar & Grill - Karaoke Islands Bar & Lounge - Caribbean Night with DJ Spud 30 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11

Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with Ryan Moseley Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke with Jeff Barnes Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Three J’s Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s - Karaoke Palmetto Tavern - DJ Tim Polo Tavern - Robbie Ducey Band Rebeck’s Hideaway - Open Mic Roadrunner Cafe - Karaoke with Steve Chappel Sector 7G - Livewire Wrestling Soul Bar - First Friday DJ Mix Tropicabana - Latin Friday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Karaoke Contest

Saturday, December 3

Live Music The Acoustic Coffeehouse - Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold Cotton Patch - Steve Cheeks Country Club - Gary Ray Coyote’s - Playback The Band Joe’s Underground - Jamie Jones Malibu Jack’s - South Atlantic P.I. Bar and Grill - Not Gaddy Jazz Polo Tavern - Shameless Dave Sky City - Lingerie Fashion Show with music by Funk You, Cocoa Dylan and DJ Cielo Surrey Tavern - The Unmentionables

What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s - DJ Rana Club Argos - Variety Show Cocktails Lounge - Latin Night Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Fox’s Lair - Karaoke Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge - Reggae Night with Island Vybez The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with Rockin Rob Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Karaoke with Danny Haywood Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s - Karaoke One Hundred Laurens - DJ Kenny Ray Robbie’s - Saturday Night Dance Party Tropicabana - Salsa Saturday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Kamikaze Karaoke

Monday, December 5

Sunday, December 4

What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Dart League Islands Bar & Lounge - DJ Fred Nice Malibu Jack’s - Karaoke with Denny

What’s Tonight? Caribbean Soul - Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jacks - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke, Salsa Dancing

Wednesday, December 7

Live Music 5 O’Clock Bistro - Buzz and Candice P.I. Bar and Grill - Bill Karp Jazz The Willcox - Mike Frost and Lauren Meccia

Live Music Sector 7G - Your Memorial, As Hell Retreats, Sovereign Strength, Fall in Archaea, Ironwill, Behold the Messenger What’s Tonight? Applebee’s (Evans) - Trivia Club Argos - Karaoke Malibu Jack’s - Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with Danny Haywood Wild Wing - Trivia and Karaoke

Tuesday, December 6

Live Music Cocktails Lounge - Live Music Fox’s Lair - John Fisher The Highlander - Open Mic Night Joe’s Underground - Happy Bones The Willcox - Piano Jazz

Live Music 209 on the River - Smooth Grooves Joe’s Underground - Sibling String Manuel’s - Juliana Finch What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Santoni’s Satin Dolls Club Rehab - Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Cocktails Lounge - Augusta’s Got Talent Cotton Patch - Trivia and Tunes Coyote’s – Drink N Drown & DJ Jeff Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Karaoke The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke with Rockin’ Rob The Place on Broad - Jazz DJ The Playground - Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy Polo Tavern - Karaoke w/ Tom Mitchell Somewhere In Augusta - Comedy w/ Big Ed Caylor and Patrick Melton


Jucifer - Sky City December 8 Veara, Mudbrute, Miracle Year, My Brother’s Keeper, Panic Manor - Sector 7G December 9 Zach Deputy - Sky City December 9 The New Familiars - Stillwater Tap Room December 9 Amy Grant and Vince Gill - Bell Auditorium December 10 Rene Russell - Manuel’s December 14 V. 22 | NO. 66




see page 08




and ne ver a c over! Thursday The Unmentionables Friday Night Rocks Live Music w/ Toyzz Sat • College Gameday plus Hang Overature Sunday NFL Action • Sabo & Mike later Washington Road just past I-20 • 706-364-WILD (9453) w w w. w i l d w i n g c a f e . c o m V. 22 | NO. 66

METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 31


Last weekend’s Avenged Sevenfold show rocked!

photo courtesy FilmaTroy Media

“Now let’s see Lady Antebellum f***ing do that!” That had to be the best quote of Saturday night at the James Brown Arena after Avenged Sevenfold hit the stage. I tried to tell people to just show up; no matter if you are a fan of Avenged or not, you are going to leave very entertained. And in most cases from Saturday night, you also left with a sunburn. There was so much pyrotechnics going on in that place that the latest winner of “Dancing With the Stars” would have been running for his life from flashbacks (Google it, you’ll get the horrible joke). After a great day of tailgating, the James Brown Arena crammed in over 4,500 people to be entertained by one of the best touring rock bands out today. The following is your rundown of the bands according to me: Black Veil Brides are a prettier version of Motley Crüe. They run around with makeup on and shirts off. They have a long way to go, but I would recommend you checking them out just in case you missed the ’80s. Asking Alexandria are loud. Yeah, very loud. The lead singer screams a lot, but he does it in a British accent so it’s cool. Hollywood Undead are five white dudes who run around rapping with masks on. Oh, and there’s a drummer, too. When standing on the floor, they were entertaining; when in the stands, they were lame. Next time I’ll stay on the floor, or just go get another beer. And last: Avenged Sevenfold. This band was, in one word, awesome. They didn’t disappoint for one second. The stage setup was phenomenal, and with

lead singer M. Shadows (nice name, not) on point, they couldn’t miss a beat. I know $45 is a lot for one show, but in this case it was totally worth it. I do have to say that the turnout was great, could always be better, but the promoter was happy and that’s all that matters. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing another big rock show in Augusta real soon. And now your weekly rundown of music news. Katy Perry has been announced as the host of the December 10 episode of “Saturday Night Live.” Swedish pop star Robyn, who opened up for many of Katy’s arena gigs this year, will be the musical guest. What constitutes Katy as a comedian, you ask? Nothing. What will make her a good host? Her boobs. Oh but wait, she was on an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” and she’s married to Russell Brand, so that’s enough. Has Lorne Michaels officially given up? In a lesson of what not to do with your money, TLC member T-Boz has filed for bankruptcy for the second time in less than a year. See kids, you can become a huge star and later in life be on food stamps. Go America! Reports come out that she owes creditors over $750,000. It is amazing that you can have 10 Top 10 singles and four multi-platinum albums and still be broke. Can’t you borrow some money from Chili? Speaking of chili (you see what I did there?), the Red Hot Chili Peppers have announced a short North American tour and, luckily for us, it’s all in the Southeast. You’ll have five chances to see the band in late January: Charlotte, Raleigh, Greensboro, Atlanta and, closest to the CSRA, Columbia. The tickets for the Columbia show go on sale Saturday, December 3. I wonder what Flea looks like old. Two recommendations for CDs that are in stores this week: Gorilla’s Greatest Hits and Adele Live CD/DVD. That seems like a good mix. And last on a personal note this week, after walking through Kroger, I do in fact know all the words to “Oops I Did It Again” by Britney Spears. Am I ashamed of this? Yes. What shows am I missing? What venues should I go to? Let me know. Email Matt Stone can be heard weekdays from 2-6 p.m. on 95 Rock.

Cremation is not as expensive as you think.

$995 Pre-pay for a complete Direct Cremation 32 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11

706.798.8886 for details V. 22 | NO. 66



Everyone Is Welcome

Somewhere in Augusta is a family-friendly non-chain sports bar that loves its customers

A little more than 20 years ago, John and Cindy Fiske almost found themselves the owners of a pub in Florida. Luckily for sports and food fans in Augusta, that particular venture didn’t work out, but it did plant the idea in their minds. “We had a place we had frequented called the Dark Horse Saloon in West Palm Beach, and the owner wanted us to purchase it when he retired,” said John, now president and general manager of Somewhere in Augusta. “We hemmed and hawed at it for about three weeks, but we were in our early 20s and had no experience so we said no thanks. But at that point, we said someday we’ll buy ourselves a place.” That “someday” turned into reality in March of 2010, when the Fiskes purchased Somewhere in Augusta. The bar had already become somewhat of an area institution, beginning life in 2002 near the former Dillards on Washington Road, then moving to its present, larger location just down the street in 2008. It was during that time that Somewhere in Augusta became one of the premier sports bars in town, with multiple televisions on the walls, in each booth and even in the bathrooms. V. 22 | NO. 66

It is something the new owners continue to focus on and even expand. “I think we’re up to 45 now?” Cindy, chief financial officer of Somewhere in Augusta, estimates of the number of televisions in the large space. “And we subscribe to almost every sports package that’s out there,” John added. “NHL Center Ice, ESPN Gameplan which shows all the college football games and NFL Sunday Ticket, and we’re the only place in town that has all the soccer packages, so we get lots of people from Fort Gordon and from other countries. “This weekend, in fact, a group from England contacted us, so we’re letting them in early so they can watch soccer. I told them I wouldn’t be able to serve them anything right away, but they could come in so they wouldn’t miss any of the match.” The ability to work with customers’ needs, including taking reservations, is something the Fiskes feel is important, since it’s an experience customers often won’t receive at chain sports bars. “During the [soccer] World Cup, we were having to open up at 9 and 10 a.m. to get everybody in here to watch the games,” Cindy said. “And we’re not regulated by

anybody but ourselves,” John added. The Fiskes have expanded Somewhere’s offering, however, to include everything from comedy on Wednesday nights and trivia on Tuesdays to bands on Fridays, dart tournaments, live viewings of the RiverHawks away games, weekly live broadcasts of Hawk Talk and Keno to UFC fight nights and a 13-week poker tournament in which winners could become eligible to play in the World Series of Poker tournament in Las Vegas. “They play for points instead of money, because you can’t play for

money in Georgia, and there are winners every night,” Cindy said of the two Monday night games at 7 and-or 9 p.m. “At the end of the 13 weeks, there’s actually a tournament and whoever wins that goes on to the next tournament.” While sports and special events are a big focus of Somewhere in Augusta’s business, the Fiskes have made an effort to let customers know that the sports bar is more than just that: It’s also a great place to eat. “Everything Monday through Friday is fresh and homemade,” Cindy explained of their daily specials. “We have I Love Burger Mondays from 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. and, for $6.99, you get a classic burger with chips or fries.” “And what makes our burgers different is that we use half-pound Black Angus that is never frozen,” added John. “And for those burger lovers out there we have a grilled cheese cheeseburger which is two grilled cheese sandwiches with a cheeseburger in the middle.” Other weekly specials include meatloaf on Tuesdays, country-fried steak on Wednesdays, spaghetti with homemade meat sauce on Thursdays, and fried chicken on Fridays. It is, however, one of the kitchen’s creations that happens to be a crowd favorite: The stuffed homewrecker. “It’s a foot long, half-pound Nathan’s all-beef hot dog, sliced down the middle and stuffed with cheddar cheese. Then we wrap it with bacon, deep fry it, place it on a foot-long bun, and cover it with chili, melted cheese and diced onions,” John explained with a smile. “And you eat it with a knife and a fork because you sure can’t pick it up.”

Holiday Open House December 8 • 3:00 - 6:00 p.m.

Enjoy lovely Christmas music and holiday cheer while savoring festive foods in the company of family and friends! RSVP to Jeremie, Becky or Laura by December 2.

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METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 33

fraternities and even a motorcycle rights advocacy group. They’ve also begun to delve into catering, which customers can either call in and pick up, have delivered or actually have the Somewhere staff come to their places and prepare. And, of course, it’s time for holiday parties, which Cindy and John say they have dates still available for, but which are filling up fast. They have a back dining room that can be reserved for a more private setting or you can reserve space in the main dining room. Whatever their needs for this allpurpose space, the Fiskes want customers to know that all are welcome. “We’re also family friendly and we can turn the TVs to something that the kids want to watch,” Cindy said. “It’s really after 10 p.m. that we want you to be 21 and up.” And because no sports bar would be complete without chicken wings, Somewhere in August has a healthy selection, with sauces that range from mild and honey teriyaki to the spicier Asian zing and Jamaican jerk. There is also a sauce that might not be as healthy for customers, but Cindy thinks it sure would make a good “Man vs. Food” style contest. “Then we have our suicide wings,

which nobody can eat more than two or three of,” she laughed. “We need to have one of those contests and have a wall of flame for those who can finish them. I’ve seen big guys come in here, finish two and then ask for a box.” The recipe is something Cindy won’t give out, but she will hint at the spiciness. “It’s kind of a secret recipe, but I have watched the ‘Man vs. Food’

where he ate the wings and ours are actually spicier,” she said. “Because spiciness is measured by a scale, the Scoville Scale, and ours is actually higher in scale than the ones he ate.” Somewhere in Augusta’s food and setting are so popular that the establishment has begun to host meetings of everyone from the Augusta SteelMasters (a Pittsburgh Steelers fan club) to college and alumni groups,

Somewhere in Augusta 2820 Washington Road 11 a.m.-2:30 a.m., Monday-Friday; 11 a.m.-2 a.m., Saturday; 12:30 p.m.-2 a.m., Sunday 706-739-0002

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Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-Talk-Sports 1630 AM. He can be reached at or follow him on Twitter @Mattlane28.

A Near-Death Experience

New book sheds light on one of the nastiest, most unpredictable rivalries in college football What follows is an excerpt of what happened after a 12-6 Carolina win in 1902 as chronicled in Travis Haney and Larry Williams’ new book “Classic Clashes of the Carolina-Clemson Football Rivalry: A State of Disunion.” The Gamecocks snapped a four-game losing streak against the Tigers, but what happened after the game could have potentially derailing the rivalry forever. After the game, joyous Carolina students celebrated downtown by unveiling a large transparency that depicted a Gamecock crowing over a wounded Tiger. Clemson cadets were not amused, and a bloody confrontation followed after they tore down the image. The Carolina side claimed later that cadets brandished swords and wounded two students. The Clemson side claimed later that Carolina students brandished brass knuckles and inflicted injuries. The account from Charleston’s News and Courier read: The South Carolina College boys were naturally very happy to-night. They had a great jubilee as the result of their victory over Clemson College. About 9 o’clock there came near being a serious row between the Clemson and Carolina boys. The South Carolina College boys had a large transparency with a tiger representing the Clemson team and a game cock on top of this tiger. The tiger had a twist in its tail. The South Carolina College boys were marching down Main street with the transparency when a body of Clemson boys rushed into the South Carolina College boys’ ranks to capture the offending display. It was not ten seconds before a good row was going on. Sticks were in use and the South Carolina boys were incensed because one of the Clemson boys struck one of their number over the head with his drawn sword. The cadets issued an ultimatum: don’t dare bring a similar transparency to the popular Elks parade the next night. Carolina’s students did not oblige, redrawing the image on another piece of cloth and displaying it at the parade. The series of events that followed was disputed between the two sides, but it was generally accepted that Clemson’s cadets marched to Carolina’s campus with swords and bayonets drawn. A vastly outnumbered group of Carolina students, armed with shotguns and pistols, barricaded themselves behind the eight-foot walls that surrounded the Horseshoe. Jerome Reel, the Clemson historian, says the fault was clearly with the cadets. “They were hot-headed and inflamed. The Carolina kids were very proud, and they taunted them. It’s the nature of kids. And the reaction was an overreaction: ‘Fix bayonets and march.’” James Rion McKissic, a Carolina sophomore who would later become the school’s president, was armed with a handgun. A fellow student told him, “Make every shot count.” The two sides were seething and on the verge of a bloody — and, very likely, deadly — riot. From the mayhem, a peacemaker emerged in Christie Benet, who’d helped coach the Gamecocks to the exhilarating victory a day earlier. He climbed to the top of the wall and offered to fight any cadet to settle the dispute. There were no takers, so Benet climbed down to Clemson’s side and tried to arbitrate. A six-person committee

was formed with three men from each side. The committee suggested burning the cloth transparency, and Carolina’s side reluctantly agreed. The event did not create much of a splash in the next day’s newspaper. A short story with the headline “They’ve Buried the Hatchet” ran on page eight of The State, and it painted a picture of a warm, amicable resolution between the two sides: “Every member of the two committees applied a match to the cause of the trouble. Quickly the flames ate their way into the painted cloth and finally the last shreds fell to the ground in darkness and silence. Three cheers were given by Clemson for Carolina and were returned heartily.” But more details began to surface about the incident, and Carolina students weren’t happy to hear that the cadets trumpeted themselves as the victor of the altercation by virtue of the burned image. Benet, who would later become a U.S. senator, wrote a letter to The State presenting his account of the episode, and the story gained momentum. An editorial ran in Monday’s paper chastising Clemson’s cadets while also calling for the retirement of Clemson’s commandant of cadets, Lieutenant E.A. Sirmyer, for abetting the “raid” by disappearing after the cadets announced their intentions to march on campus. The editorial credited Benet and the other arbitrators for averting a disaster that “probably” would’ve resulted in deaths. “The colleges of the State are not enemies of the other, and they should not be permitted to appear as enemies. Fair rivalry in sports should not provoke bitterness nor should its results breed hatred. Harmony between those who are alike the beneficiaries of the State should be demanded.” The flames were fanned further after Clemson president P.H. Mell wrote a letter to The State providing a different account of events while also staunchly defending Sirmyer. The State published a lengthy editorial the same day disputing a number of Mell’s points, asserting that there was “no excuse” for marching on Carolina’s campus and nothing insulting in the transparency. “One shot fired them would have brought on a battle, and perhaps dozens of the young men for whom South Carolina is providing an education would have fallen in death upon the grass of the campus.” A number of other newspapers across the state joined in the condemnation of Clemson and its commandant. Some historians would later argue that The State’s sensationalism made an innocuous confrontation seem much worse than it was. Carolina’s trustees later elected to suspend the series, and the Gamecocks and Tigers would not play again until 1909. But had Clemson’s cadets and Carolina’s students truly lost their tempers that Friday night after the big game, a budding rivalry might not have simply been put on hold but lost forever. To get a free copy of “Classic Clashes of the Carolina-Clemson Football Rivalry: A State of Disunion,” shoot me an email.

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Pest Wife Regression

make a real connection

Two years ago, my man left his 22-year marriage to be with me, but he told me he loved his former wife and would always want a friendship with her. I accepted that (I’m friends with my ex), but I’m bothered by the amount of contact they have. They do have two adult children and own property together. But, although she’s living with a new partner, she sometimes wants to borrow his car, have him pick up the dogs or drop off some paperwork. They phone about every other day, and not a week goes by without his stopping over — occasionally for a family dinner. I get plenty of his time, energy and affection, and I know their relationship isn’t romantic. The issue is split loyalty — all the effort he’s putting into remaining “loving friends” with a woman who’d love to see our relationship fail. Am I being petty and jealous? It feels like she’s clinging hard — and so is he. — The One Who Stole Her Man

Once you get to a certain age, there’s no starting a relationship with a clean slate. You meet somebody and it’s never “Hi, here I am, just me and this little suitcase!” — unless his entire family disappeared into a giant sinkhole or went back in time while on vacation and was caught in the volcanic eruption at Pompeii. There is much to be said for having a mature attitude about one’s divorce. Friends of the divorced encourage it by emailing inspirational quotes like “When one door closes, another door opens.” Annoyingly, in this case, that quote continues “And then that first door opens back up and a woman leans out and asks what time your man’ll be coming over to take the dog to the vet.” Jealousy is the guard dog of human relationships, an evolutionary adaptation that helps us defend ourselves against mate-swiping. As cognitive psychologist Dr. Nando Pelusi and I discussed recently on my weekly radio show ( amyalkon), jealousy is productive when there’s a real threat that your partner might fall for someone else and leave you for them. Jealousy is counterproductive when you know he’s going to leave you for someone else — but just for a few hours a week to drop off some paperwork and deworm the dog. Of course, to be human is to be small and petty. (To be successfully small and petty is to not let it show.) Lashing out, snapping, “Excuse me, but wasn’t she supposed to get her husband privileges revoked in the divorce?” will just make him defensive. Instead, use your vulnerability in a powerful way. Evoke his sympathy by saying something like “Listen, I understand that you two have kids and property and a friendship, but I’m feeling a little insecure about all the time and attention you’re devoting to her.” Chances are he’ll reassure you by explaining why you have nothing to worry about, and maybe even consider dialing it back a little. On the bright side, you’re with a guy who isn’t one to drop-kick his obligations the moment some husband-stealing hussy comes along. Maybe try to laugh at how happy endings are sometimes the messiest and enough to make you pine for a good old Jerry Springer-style breakup. At least when one’s dumping the other’s clothes on the front lawn, pouring gasoline on them and lighting them on fire, the logical human response isn’t ringing the perpetrator up and asking to borrow their car.

Speaking Ill of the Dud

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One of my coolest girlfriends is in love with a total dud. He gets wasted at every party, talks in front of her about how hot other women are, and is generally pretty disrespectful of her. I keep wanting to yank him aside and ask him whether he knows how lucky he is. Now I’m thinking I need to yank my friend aside and tell her she can do better. — Disgusted

It’s considered an act of friendship to tell a girlfriend that she’s got a piece of spinach stuck between her teeth. You’d think she’d be equally appreciative when you point out that she’s got a soulmate stuck in some other woman’s cleavage. But, her ego is probably all tied up in her belief that she’s found love, and she’d probably just get combative. Instead of telling her she’s making a mistake, try to get her to come to that conclusion by borrowing from an addiction therapy technique called “motivational interviewing.” Get her to talk about what she wants (all the wonderful qualities she’s seeking in a man), and then gently ask her how that stacks up against what she has. By drawing the discrepancies out of her, you’re leading her to do the math: She hasn’t so much fallen in love as she’s slipped in a pile of something somebody should’ve picked up with a plastic bag. ©2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email Also visit and read Amy Alkon’s book: “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).

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Augusta, GA | 106 Pleasant Home Road | 706.814.8959

Aiken, SC | 126 Laurens Street NW | 803.514.4240

METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11 37

Jenny Wright lives in Summerville with her husband, who she calls The Man, and two kids, who she affectionately calls The Boy and The Girl. She enjoys taking photos, cooking and playing tennis.

Perfect Picture

Nothing is ever as it seems on Facebook, but it’s entertaining nonetheless

JENNYISWRIGHT Overheard at church: “Hey! I haven’t seen you since high school! I mean, I know we comment on Facebook and stuff, but we haven’t actually been in the same room since high school! Isn’t it so funny that I know your kids? I even know that you went to the grocery store yesterday!” Okay, it wasn’t exactly like that. You know what I mean, though. Facebook has changed things. Small talk is becoming a lost art. I don’t always mind this. Facebook gets all of the little stuff out of the way, so close friends and family can talk about what’s important. Unfortunately, removing such mundane questions about your marital and employment status gives the mere acquaintances little to discuss. If I run into you out and about and avoid you, it’s because I already know what you made for dinner last night, that you take the paper and that you would like to lose

10 pounds. I see a couple of reasons for this. Sometimes, asking someone to look you up on Facebook is safer than giving out a cell phone number. It helps with the noncommittal “We should totally get together for lunch!” that never happens anyway. Plus, if they get to see your Facebook page, these practical strangers can see your perfect children and husband. Oh, admit it. You aren’t completely honest with the way you represent yourself. Statuses (Statui? Statuae?) reading “I have the best husband ever! He makes me breakfast and wears whatever I tell him, all while giving me daily pedicures and serenading me constantly with his rock star voice” are the norm on Facebook. You rarely see “my man and I just had the biggest fight ever and I hate my children right now.” I


can promise you that if someone did post that, I’d be sure to keep them as a friend. What? It’s entertainment. You do it, too. How exciting is it when you stumble upon an ex-boyfriend who has lax privacy settings? You can snoop into their little world without as much as a friend request. Jackpot! You know I love people watching. Although most of you won’t own up to it, you do, too. I tend to believe that the people out there who say, “Well I’m never on Facebook” are actually the ones on Facebook the most. The thing is, Facebook can lead to weird situations as well. I was at a funeral last fall and only knew a handful of people. Because I was close to the family of the woman who passed away, I was being introduced to many of their good friends and the rest of the family. “Hey, Jenny! This is Marcia!” I said, “Nice to meet you Marcia!” but immediately thought, “Oh, she is Marcia Gaye Proctor!” How weird. I knew her entire name, simply because I’d seen her comment on Facebook photos. My friend Walton and I laughed about it. He was being introduced to the same people and was saying, with cadence, their first, middle and last names. At a party the other night, some ladies were standing around discussing birthday party ideas for their children. One suggested a circus theme,

Thursday: December 8


complete with a mini big top and carnival games. Two of us stood there trying to recall the party we’d attended recently with the same theme. We hadn’t been to any party with such a theme. But we did have a mutual friend on Facebook who’d hosted a circus party. She posted pictures. Although sometimes creepy, often overly emotional and mostly annoying, Facebook has been very handy for keeping up with friends I might not have otherwise found. I’m thankful to be in touch with them, and we converse on a regular basis, genuinely happy for each other’s accomplishments. We also share a similar disdain for the politics, emotion and false pretenses that abound on the world’s biggest social network. Can’t we just use Facebook for its intended (rather, most useful) purpose? Instead of freaking out because all of your friends must’ve gone to dinner without you, make your own dinner plans (and brag about them). Look at everyone’s photos, but take them with a grain of salt. No one works out all the time, loves their husband perfectly, maintains constant patience with their kids or channels Martha Stewart every day. Well, I do, but only so I can be super popular on the internet. OMG! LOLZ! Tag me!

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Be safe (and warm) this winter! Sig Cox will check all of your heating system’s connections, the gas pressure, burner combustion and your heat exchanger (A dirty burner or cracked heat exchanger causes improper burner operation). Improperly operating gas (or oil) heating systems are a fire hazard and can contribute to health problems.

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Equal Opportunity Institution

Metro Spirit 12.01.2011  

The Metro Spirit is a free weekly newspaper that serves readers in the Augusta and North Augusta area. Editorial coverage includes Richmond...

Metro Spirit 12.01.2011  

The Metro Spirit is a free weekly newspaper that serves readers in the Augusta and North Augusta area. Editorial coverage includes Richmond...