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Changing Futures. Changing Lives.®
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HERE ON THE FLIGHT PATH by Norm Foster
Announcing our hilarious summer show, HERE ON THE FLIGHT PATH, by Norm Foster. This play is guaranteed to make you laugh! It is a riotous look at a wouldbe ladies man’s relationships with three attractive women. For John Cummings, living in a big city building on the edge of an airport, the coming and going of jet planes is simply a metaphor for the way life flies by. When you don’t grab tomorrow by the tail, you’re left on the edge of the runway, on the outskirts of life. “Fresh and hilarious. The one-liners fly by at top-gun speed.” - London Free Press
July 15, 16, 22, 23, 28, 29, 30 Dinner, 7:00 p.m. | Show, 8:00 p.m.
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Civilians: $40 | Seniors (65 & over), Retirees, DA Civilians, Active-Duty E7 & above: $38 | Active-Duty E6 & below: $30 | Show only: $25
For reservations, call 706.793.8552
Produced in cooperation with The Army Entertainment Program and Dramatists Play Service. Some adult humor. Rated PG-15.
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whineLINE I’m tired of people who are on some sort of Welfare who get it obviously by lying about their need. The government and local offices do not do enough regulating on this, and too many people with no real need for it are getting free money to just be lazy. The GRINGO Loves Janiris VillafnaMartines Look man, you are trying to be in too many bands. That is why we have to turn down some of these gigs. You don’t have the time to put into the band that got you where you are. We wish you would realize that and make up your mind about what you want to focus on. Because it’s not helping us and we’re about to make a decision ourselves. At least one quarter of the drivers in Martinez do not know what an “Acceleration” lane is. Everytime I try to go towards Martinez on Washington Road from Baston Road, there is at least one retard that will stop and cause traffic to back up on Baston Road. The acceleration lane was put there so people would not be blocked on the railroad tracks. This lane cost taxpayers at least $100,000, yet, one in four people are too stupid to use it. The police should give these people a warning ticket for blocking traffic and endangering the lives of the people the imprisoned on the railroad tracks. If I am blocked on the tracks and a train starts coming, I will use my truck to push the offending retards onto Washington Road. Please be at least moderately in shape. I’m not a shallow person but I at least want someone who cares about themself
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enough to not get hugely overweight. Age doesn’t matter just as long as it’s within reason. I go crazy when I hear a cymbal And a hi-hat with a souped up tempo How is what you do art when you do the same exact thing for ten, 15 or even twenty years? Like people find the hairstyle the’yll stick with until they die. Now that is all kinds of messed up. Faces and robots and hearts and doodles for on and on. If you want to be called an “artist” why dont you create something new. Not the same thing til you die? Right? Boring? The road to the pumping station was closed due to “littering and unruly behavior” and generally lacked any real police presence. The same could be said about downtown Augusta (Broad Street). I can hear the one officer in his Mule coming three blocks away...and the crackheads scatter! I know what you mean about too many white people on TV. When I think about it white people have only put 2 good things on TV. The Price is Right, obviously, and the afternoon stories. Those are pretty good, especially General Hospital, even though there aren’t no characters on there I can relate to. I wish Tyler Perry would do a black oriented afternoon soap with Madea. The Price is Right is no where near as good since that Drew Carey started hosting it. They need to bring Bob Barker back. He knew how to relate to his audience. That is one white man I don’t mind seeing on TV.
firstname.lastname@example.org There’s no way he’s giving all those interviews for free, so, just how much is he getting paid to do these interviews?
Mayor Deke Copenhaver looks like a cross between late night talk show funnyman Conan O’Brien and quirky Icelandic singer Bjork. I guess that makes him a Cork.
This year’s fireworks show at Patriot’s Park was HORRIBLE! It’s the 4th of July and the National Anthem wasn’t played!!! The fireworks didn’t have enough altitude so they rained back down on us. According to Pam Tucker’s office that didn’t happen, since there weren’t massive calls to her office. I guess I should have bagged up the thousands of pieces of shredded firework paper and charred remains that were on me, my family, and my vehicle and carried them to her office. Then maybe I would believed.
The ink has barely dried on the Casey Anthony papers and prosecuting attorney Jeff Ashton was appearing on every other talk show known to man (I counted at least a minimum of four!). The media was also stating that he was retiring after a 30 year legal career and he’s only 53! He must have been banking some damn serious jack over the years - or - he’s just like everybody else involved with this case - he’s taking his 15 minutes of fame to cash in.
U.S. women beat Brazil in one of the most exciting World Cup soccer games ever, winning by penalty kicks after a 2-2 tie.
The Greater Augusta Arts Council’s Arts in the Heart 2011 will not feature the work of Sally Keiser, the seamstress we wrote about in our July 7 issue. Arts Council jurors deemed her work not good enough, even though she was a vendor in 2010. We think she’s cool.
METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 5
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Animals Being Dicks If you’d like to waste a few minutes of company time watching a parrot push a turtle into a trash can, one baby monkey pushing another into water or a goat butting a dog in the backside to get to the food dish, then animalsbeingdicks.com is the place to go. Here you’ll also see animals getting a leg up on humans, like the gif of a dog pulling a girl out of a chair by her ponytail and the cat, unimpressed by her owner’s yoga poses, clawing her in the lady bits. We always knew our pets secretly hated us, and this site finally gives us proof. Ungrateful bastards.
To the Editor: While eating lunch yesterday at Bojangles Restaurant on Washington Road, I noticed a white female in her mid 50s enjoying lunch with a younger male, possibly her son. She had a beautiful smile and was talking, laughing and enjoying her meal and the time with her friend. But… she had clearly lost her hair and was wearing a baseball cap. I assumed it was probably from treatments she had been taking due to an illness, but was fascinated by her smile. Upon finishing their meal and putting their trash away, another customer, a younger black man in his early 30s, got up from his meal and went over and whispered something in her ear. I saw her smile and say, “I would appreciate that.” Then he simply put his hand on her shoulder, closed his eyes, bowed his head and prayed for her and her health. This was quite moving to both myself and others in the restaurant. What a wonderful act of kindness, and example to all of us, this gentleman showed. Sincerely, Rick Rogers Augusta
CORRECTION In the July 14 issue of the Metro Spirit, the music story “Pandora’s Box” was written by Josh Ruffin, whose name was left off the story. The Metro Spirit regrets the error.
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INSI ER INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM
Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.
One of These Things Is Not Like the Other Ken Eiseman, vice president of sales and marketing for Ripkin Baseball, attempted to do some sales and marketing using a minor league baseball team in Ohio as a good reason to hurry up and build a baseball park downtown. The Dayton Dragons recently set the record for consecutive sellouts for any professional sport at any level. Alrighty. That applies to Augusta how? What is this far away land of Dayton anyhow? Is it in the continental United States? Okay, class, please pay attention. There will be a quiz after recess. Dayton has a council-manager system of city government. In this system, the mayor is considered the chairperson of the city commission and has one vote on the commission just like the other commissioners. The commission hires a separate city manager, who holds administrative authority over the city government. Mayor Gary Leitzell graduated from the University of London with a bachelor’s in geology. Commissioner Dean Lovelace has an associate’s degree in business from Sinclair Community College, a bachelor’s in business administration from the University of Dayton, and a master’s in applied and social economics from Wright State University. Commissioner Joey Williams earned his bachelor of science degree from Central State University and received a master’s of business administration from
Ohio State University. He is president of the Dayton office of Chase Bank. Commissioner Matt Joseph earned a master’s degree from George Washington University in Washington, D.C., and Commissioner Nan Whaley received her undergraduate degree in chemistry from the University of Dayton and received her master’s of public administration from Wright State University.
Dayton has both quantity and quality of arts. Per capita, Dayton offers more arts organizations (85) than 79 percent of all similar-sized cities. The Greater Dayton Arts Community serves an estimated 3,000,000 audience members annually, generates more than $122,000,000 in local economic activity, supports 3,774 full-time jobs, and delivers more than $8,000,000 in local and state government revenue.
The Dayton Art Institute ranks in the top 3 percent of all North American art museums in three out of four measurements. The Dayton Ballet is the only ballet identified in the nation that has established a fund specifically for the creation of new works and produces a world premiere ballet every two years. Now to this team, this “Dayton Dragons” of which Eiseman speaks. Their schedule begins April 7 and ends Sept. 5. Coincidentally, these are the only six months of the year with no snowfall. (The average high in July is 84. August is 82.) The Metro Spirit joined the waiting list to buy tickets this week, and since there are only 8,000 fans ahead of us we feel our odds are better than getting on the National. So, as comparisons go, a pretty fair argument here. Right Ken? “I’m not going to promise we’d sell out every single game,” Eiseman was quoted as saying in the Augusta Chronicle. “But we know Augusta has the potential to be like Dayton or Aberdeen. That’s why we’re here.” “When we talk about why something like that occurs, there’s a couple of components,” he continued. “One, you have to have the right people with the right mission. And you have to have the right venue, a place where you can create a magical experience for the fan. Part of the reason we can’t do what we want to do [in Augusta] is because we’re limited by the venue.” By the venue, you say? Interesting.
Best. Show. Ever. figured the best way to be heard on the Lori Davis guest hosted the Austin radio in Augusta was to call in to Austin’s Rhodes program for the first, and show. Wow. Bush league. probably the last, time Friday. To the utter amazement of Insiders, she invited Tony Powers to call in. Tony hosts a show that airs the same time as Austin’s each day: Powers to the Person… wait, no… People. The electric toaster he broadcast from doesn’t yet show up in the Arbitron ratings book, so he apparently V. 22 | NO. 47
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metro Eric Johnson
Wolverines Among the Bulldogs Local man writes survivalist novel with an eye to our Cold War past
Local author Christopher Drake Not much about local author Christopher Drake’s first published novel, “Cruel New World,” is normal. It’s a Cold War-style story, but it’s set in contemporary Georgia. Its heroes are redneck lowlifes, and its first review was written by a guy who writes about heathenism. Other than that, it’s just your average war story. “It’s not one of these things where a guy gets shot in the chest and goes on and kills 10 people,” Drake says. “I get sick and tired of superheroes.” There is very little of the superhero in Mitch and his younger brother Wade. After reading a note that their mother has fled to Florida (without really wondering why) and after helping themselves to some cigarettes after stumbling across a looted gas station (again, without really
8 METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11
wondering why), they find out that the United States had been attacked by China. Nukes and bio-chem out west. Chemical weapon attack in Atlanta. “This is big,” Mitch tells Wade. But he’s not thinking about the potential fall of the republic. Instead, the 23-year-old deadbeat is worrying about who’s going to pay the bills now that his mom has gone. “Everybody is crazy upset about the Chinese, but that crap will work itself out in time,” he says. The electric bill, on the other hand. How the hell are they going to pay that now that momma’s gone? This is the way these guys think, and Drake is banking that you’ll recognize their limitations as unintentional, but substantial, strengths. “The average person has too much to lose to stick his neck out,” he says.
“Somebody who’s never had anything and is used to not having anything — they usually field a catastrophe better than the average person. Good times are what really tests people, and these guys have never had the good times.” In a perverse way, the aftermath of the Chinese attack offers them the best opportunities they’ve ever had. “They’re worried about self gratification,” he says. “They want cigarettes. They want girlfriends. They want a place to play videogames and drink beer.” And post-invasion America offers a shifting landscape tailor made for people without sophisticated needs. “As time goes by, you see that the stuff that really does matter — like survival and that sort of thing — they’ve already got that in the bag,” he says.
Drake has fun making it clear that when it comes to the post apocalyptic world, beer-drinking, pot-smoking guys like this have a skill set far more practical than, say, the one enjoyed by English majors. And anyone who’s spent any time at A Day in the Country or Walmart knows there is no shortage of guys like that around here. “We’re surrounded by guys like that,” he says. “Anybody can pick up this book and go — ‘God, that’s just like somebody I know.” And Drake, who’s an engineer for a local company, is obviously intimately aware of a few in particular. “I’ve hung out with a few,” he says. “And as much as it’s cost me in free lunches and broken furniture — I’m going to make something off of them
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with this book. This is the most successful thing that’s ever going to come out of those guys.” That’s the irony of it all. When the chips are down, it’s the lazy, wellarmed losers who have what it takes to succeed. “They’re solid guys,” Drake says. “They’re good when it all hits the fan, but if they ever put an application on your desk, tear it up and throw it away.” Drake, who wrote the book during his lunch break at Yoskos on Columbia Road, knows he will never eclipse the venerable Ed Cashin in critical acclaim. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to stop writing. Though he originally planned on a three-book series, the story — and his exuberance for telling it — has expanded the series to at least five. “There’s no way I’ll be able to cram everything I’ve thought of into just three books,” he says. He’s even thinking of using one book to tell the story through the Chinese invaders’ eyes, a kind of “Rashomon” in the Georgia clay. Not that any of the characters would appreciate the reference, or recognize how it slightly misses the mark. Drake reads a lot of 1980s Cold War fiction — the kind you can only find in
used book stores — and he says that genre is what inspires him the most. “Basically, anything you could put into a movie and make feel like ‘Red
Dawn,’” he says “Red Dawn,” the 1984 action movie about a group of high school kids defending their town against a
Soviet invasion force, influenced the testosterone-fueled fantasies of an entire generation. “We viewed that as more of a documentary,” he says. “We were like, ‘Man, this is going to happen next week — we’ve got to get ready.’” Though the types of incidents people are worried about in the post-911 era are considerably different, he’s trying to tap into the kind of anxiety he remembers the movie exploiting. “It didn’t make me lose a lot of sleep, but me and my teenage friends were getting ready for when we saw the Russian tanks roll across the corn field,” he says. Some readers will also see how living in Augusta has influenced his imagination. A mall that plays a significant part of the story is based on the derelict Regency Mall, which is near where he lives, and the dangerous chemical dust that kills so many and inspires so much fear… “Pollen is just like nature’s own germ warfare,” he says. “The stuff gets everywhere.” Anyone interested in touching his inner redneck can visit Drake’s website at cruelnewworld.com or look for information about his upcoming release party at his blog, cruelnewworld.blogspot.com.
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Option Number Two
If the West Lake resident isn’t hooked up to the sewer, the only answer is that he’s been flushing his money away
If it didn’t involve so much money, you’d think West Lake resident William Jenkins would have kept his mouth shut. But 20 years worth of paying for something — anything — you haven’t received adds up, and while there’s certainly no statute of limitations on embarrassment, money tends to talk louder than the fear of being laughed at. “I’ve got an unusual problem,” Jenkins told commissioners at a Public Works Committee meeting. “I’ve been paying sewage fees for 20 years, but I just discovered I have a septic tank.” While it’s tempting to chuckle at Jenkins’ predicament — flushing all that sewer service money down his own septic tank along with all the other crap he thought he was paying the county to deal with — you’ve got to be just a little sympathetic. After all, when all your documentation indicates that you’re connected to the sewer system and the former owner said he was connected to the sewer system,
you really don’t doubt that first bill when it comes in. The second bill, of course, you pay by reflex, and the rest of the 20 years worth of bills you pay with that low-grade resentment most of us have when paying for those things we’re required to pay for because we can’t really live without them. “You wonder how does this happen?” Jenkins mused before the committee, which heard his initial request for full payment at the old Appling Courthouse, a venue right out of a Norman Rockwell painting of all-American values. “I’ll have to say I don’t know. And I don’t think the county knows.” If that’s not awkward enough, just imagine the day he found out. After 20 years of smooth flushing, he finally has a problem that warrants a plumber. Only the plumber can’t find the hook up to the sewer. So he calls in a sewage specialist who can’t find it, either. With nobody else to turn to, he calls
the county water department. They send four employees in two trucks, but despite the manpower, the dye test does nothing and they leave him as they found him — a guy with a plumbing problem. Finally, Jenkins started doing some digging himself and sure enough — right around his new deck he found his septic tank. Any guess how appropriate his remarks were for the occasion? “All those years I didn’t have any problems,” he said. “So why should I have expected anything? We live in a nice subdivision in the city, so why would I think otherwise?” To an extent, the water department seemed to agree. Their initial suggestion was to pay for three years. Advice from the county attorney was to pay four. Clayton, however, offered him $3,000, or about half of what Jenkins was requesting. “It’s not our fault,” Clayton said. “It’s not his fault.”
Jenkins politely requested full payment. It didn’t really matter how long he’d been paying, he argued. He never actually used the system he was paying into. In the end, the full Commission decided to pay him the full amount, around $6,000. Though he lives in West Lake, because he lives on Stevens Creek Road, the chances of hooking up to the system he’s been writing checks for all these years is pretty slim. To connect, he’d have to somehow go through his neighbor’s property, and, according to officials, he’d also have to have a pump. Good thing he’s got a reliable septic system. Jenkins missed the good news, however. By the time the Commission got around to voting him the reimbursement, he was out of town on a fishing trip. Guess he caught a big one.
Blaming the Ghosts
Commissioners pick a fight with staff over accountability by channeling the Ghost of Votes Past
On the surface, it seemed like an easy enough request. Citing some apparent confusion about the titles and roles involved in the organizational structure for Equal Employment Opportunity and Minority and Small Business Opportunity, Matt Aitken requested a report to look into clarifying the topic. “I’m open for suggestions to figure out how we can be better educated in the process,” he said. Hearing this, Bill Lockett, anchoring Commission, stage right, took the opportunity to educate Aitken and the other commissioners on how the roles and positions have changed throughout the years, winding up at Sept. 2, 2003, where the final vote occurred on the subject. “They realized it was a charter change,” he said. “The vote was 10-0.” At this point, Jerry Brigham, anchoring Commission, stage left, voiced his doubt that it was, in fact, a valid charter change, since it had never been publication in the local legal organ. “I believe that has not taken place,” he
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said. Lockett, however, was not buying it. “It’s not the commission’s responsibility to advertise this,” he said. “It seems to me that when the commission took the vote, that changed the charter. Any administrative tasks, like publishing in the legal organ, were not the responsibilities of the commission, he insisted, therefore the action has been taken. General Council Andrew MacKenzie, who Lockett tried to ax with a noconfidence vote last month, responded that a charter change needed to go through a very detailed legal procedure in order to become legal, and that in this case it didn’t appear to have happened. Brigham then recommended a work session, a move that received a lukewarm response from other members of the committee, but allowed Alvin Mason to claim the floor. “When these votes are taken and you have a situation like Mr. Lockett was referencing, whose responsibility is it
to do the necessary due diligence to ensure that it goes through the proper channels?” he asked MacKenzie. “I think it would probably be a dual responsibility on the part of the administrator and the legal council and the commission as well to make sure that the request was followed through,” MacKenzie said. “If it didn’t go though the appropriate legal channels to effectively amend the consolidation act, then it doesn’t have the legal effect necessary. That’s the best answer I can give.” “That’s the best answer you can give?” Mason asked. “I think that’s the correct answer,” MacKenzie replied. Mason disagreed. “You can’t vote on it,” he said. “We did our part, and after we’ve done our part, then it goes to, as you say, a dual responsibility between the administrator and legal.” Of course, Mason was not a commissioner in 2003, nor was MacKenzie general council, but Mason had a point to make about accountability
and he was going to make it every way he could. “I can’t do anything about what’s happened here in the past, but I’m telling you I’m doggone tired of seeing things slip through the cracks and people come back and say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘it was a dual responsibility’ or ‘best answer I can give,’” he said. “I’m just ready for us to start doing what we should be doing. I’m concerned about whether we’re doing the job the taxpayers are paying us to do.” Before voting on Brigham’s work session motion, Lockett announced his disfavor. “I don’t think a work session is going to do this,” he said. “If we’ve got something to work out, we need to work it out now. We have to do it in committee.” In the end, Brigham was the only one to vote for the motion, and immediately after the vote, he excused himself, announcing that he had to pick up his grandkids.
METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 11
TURN WEIRD n e w s
t h e
Todd Whitehurst may be the “father” of from 42 to 60 children, based on statistical probability that recognizes his virtuosity as a sperm donor, according to a June New York Post profile. Whitehurst, who was selected based on his sperm’s profile and speed, donated weekly for about three years in the late 1980s (for $50 a session), and has been contacted so far by nine teenagers who sent him their photos after piecing together evidence identifying him (despite sperm banks’ promises of confidentiality). Whitehurst, acknowledging the resemblances to his “offspring,” seems to find the relationships fulfilling, however limited they are. Said he, “I love Father’s Day.” Bright Ideas New York scent artist Christopher Brosius had made his name with fragrances recalling childhood (such as Clean Baby Butt, Green Bean and Baseball Glove), but felt it was time, according to an April report in New York magazine, to approach the next frontier — to make a perfume so exclusive that no one could smell it. By Brosius’ reasoning, the scent’s chemicals would provoke whatever reactions scents provoke in those exposed to it, but the actual scent would be undetectable to the nose; hence, no one would know why they were reacting as they were. By trial and error, he combined jasmine, sandalwood and natural amber, and scaled them down in power, yielding what he calls Where We Are There Is No Here. Said Brosius, “The question, ‘What perfume are you wearing?’ should never arise.” Bank of America had the tables turned on it in June after the company attempted
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to foreclose on homeowners Warren and Maureen Nyerges last year even though the couple had bought their house with cash — paid directly to BA. It took BA a year and a half to understand its mistake — that is, until the Nyergeses sued and won a judgment for expenses of $2,534, which BA promptly ignored. The Nyergeses’ attorney obtained a seizure order, and two sheriff’s deputies, with a moving truck, arrived at the local BA branch on June 3 to load $2,534 worth of furniture and computer equipment from the bank’s offices. After about an hour on the phone with higher-ups, the local BA manager issue a check for $2,534. Police in Doncaster, England, were on the lookout in June for an organized group of four female and two male shoplifters who hit a liquor store on Bentley Road in May but left an interesting crime-scene story on the surveillance video. While five of the crew distracted employees, one woman, wearing pants, walked to the back but emerged minutes later wearing a large wraparound skirt and waddling slowly toward the front door. After the unsuspecting employees bid farewell to the six, they discovered that the office safe was missing and concluded that the waddling woman was holding it between her legs. The Continuing Crisis Alleged gang members Barbara Lee, 45, and Marco Ibanez, 19, were arrested in Hallandale Beach, Fla., in April and charged in the assault and stabbing of four deaf people. Lee was at the Ocean’s Eleven Lounge one evening when she saw several people in a group make hand signs that she interpreted as disrespecting her own gang’s signs, and, according to police, left to recruit Ibanez to come administer retribution. Unknown to Lee or Ibanez, the group were deaf people using sign language and had no idea they were making “gang” signs. Oops! In Tooting, England, in May, an unnamed senior was rescued by firefighters after he got his testicles caught in a shower seat in which he was sitting while bathing.
A look back at the news the Metro Spirit was covering at the turn of the century
June 7, 2000 Richmond County Sheriff Ronnie Strength
This week’s edition was all about the upcoming primary election, starting off with a full-page ad paid for by the Committee to Elect Ronnie Strength Sherriff. Who do you trust to manage a $40 million budget and 790 employees? the ad asked. Who do you trust to apply the law fairly and equally, while ensuring that everyone is treated with dignity and respect? Who do you trust to protect the values that are at the heart of our community? Former Augusta Chronicle editorial cartoonist Clyde Wells blasted Robin Williams, including dropping a very Turn of the Century reference. Robin Williams is a self-serving, craven politician and has left an onorous [sic] trail of questionable moral and ethical lapses during his tenure representing the 114th District. His enormous campaign contributions from special interests is [sic] enabling him to grossly outspend his opponent, Sue Burmeister, in Tuesday’s primary. Hopefully the voters of the 114th will see past this and, also, the constant strident harping in Phil Kent’s tidbit column on The Chronicle editorial page Burmeister is a capable and honest candidate who deserves the support of the voters of the 114th District. It’s time to vote Robin off the island! In a column basically defending Williams, Austin Rhodes wrote: I knew Robin 15 years ago when he was working like a dog behind the scenes in virtually every GOP campaign between here and Rutledge. He became personally offended a few years back when he heard Republican state Representative Dick Ransom making excuses for the party and
bragging about how much House Speaker Tom Murphy hated him. Robin took Dick on in the party primary, and he whipped his butt. Since then I have known Robin as a “can-do” legislator, who is bright enough to know when to pick his battles and when to make an enemy. If that wasn’t enough, Rhodes went on to drop the name of another soon to be incarcerated local figure. While attaching Robin for his support of the bill [an education reform bill], my good friend state School Superintendent Linda Schrenko did a horrible job at articulating exactly what was so bad about the plan, and still has not full explained what she has done (right or wrong) to directly effect change in our state’s comparatively horrid public education system. And to this day neither she nor her department has made it clear that one of Georgia students’ biggest problems is Georgia parents. Finally, Rhodes complemented William on his ability to cross the aisle. Watching Robin Williams work the Democratic power structure to our advantage has really opened my eyes as to what a real “diplomat” can do when needed. That diplomat — now known as Inmate No. 11969-021 — was later sentenced to 10 years for money laundering, health care fraud and bribery. He’ll be out in 2014. Schrenko pleaded guilty to trying to roll $600,000 in federal education funds earmarked for deaf students and honors students into her failed bid for the governor’s office in 2002. She’s scheduled to be out on August 29, 2013.
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How a drainage project in Springlakes destroyed habitat and inflamed relations with the countyBy Angel Cleary
It’s been a contentious year for Columbia County’s Springlakes subdivision, and therefore it’s been a tough year for Commissioner Trey Allen. Not only is Springlakes in his district, the frustrated and angry residents are his neighbors. Allen lives in Springlakes, too. “It’s kind of surprised me that I’ve had so much as close to home as I have,” he says. First, there was the issue of the lights at Augusta Prep’s football field. Springlakes residents objected to the lights, worrying that the light and the noise from the night games would be detrimental to their quality of life and the value of their homes. They were also afraid that once up, the times and usages agreed on for the lights would be expanded. After a long and sometimes ugly slog through public meetings, Allen and the Board of Commissioners overturned the Planning Commission’s recommendation by siding with the neighborhood and voting the school down. Now, there’s the issue of the Ridge Crossing drainage project, where the county is coming into Springlakes and expanding the size of the culverts in order to increase the flow of the water so that it won’t back up Reed Creek and cause flooding. Though Springlakes is okay, areas upstream are vulnerable V. 22 | NO. 47
during heavy rains. “It’s a project that’s been a long time coming,” Allen says. “We finally had the SPLOST dollars for it, and in order to do that work, we had to cut some trees down, the majority of which were sweet gum — not exactly premier trees.” The trees — and the way the county took them — have become an issue with political overtones, especially for Allen. “In the end, it’s a matter of cutting down a few trees to spare people’s homes and property,” Allen says. To Springlakes Community Association President John Capes, the trees are not as easily dismissed. “They pretended,” he says of the county. “And I’m not being ugly — I’m a business guy and a real estate developer. They pretended they really wanted to help out, but all of a sudden they turned tough, and boy they screwed us. We’re going to have a storm drain there that’s going to look like something out of Los Angeles. I’m not exaggerating — it’s pitiful.” Standing beside the property in question, Capes, who like others has had run-ins with construction workers unhappy with the attention, struggles to explain the before and after of what he sees.
“It was beautiful before the crews came in,” he says. “It was a perfect place as it was, and we were going to try to make the best of it. But it’s going to be a mess, and it wasn’t necessary. With a little bit more money, they could have worked around the trees.” After the trees came down, an owl was seen searching the felled trees, presumably for a home that was no longer there. Many residents have stopped beside the worksite as if to pay their respects. The problem in Springlakes has been a long time coming. Years ago, according to Water Utility Director Billy Clayton, the development boom at I-20 and Belair Road generated a lot of runoff from the area around the former Funsville, now Adventure Crossing. That water makes its way into Reed Creek, and during periods of heavy rain the creek hasn’t always been able to handle the load, occasionally backing up and flooding. A federal grant allowed them to start the project in the upper end. “That’s not normally how you would approach the problem,” Clayton says. “Normally, you would start downstream and work upstream.” After that first phase, neighborhoods southeast of Adventure Crossing started
experiencing flooding after every really heavy rain. “It hasn’t breached any homes yet,” Clayton says, “but it’s come mighty close.” He says 10 or 12 homes are directly affected. The current phase of the roughly $800,000 project will involve the Springlakes portion as well as more work by Adventure Crossing. By Adventure Crossing, workers will be enclosing the creek stream in big culverts. “In that area, you won’t even see a stream,” he says. Downstream, workers will enlarge and realign the culverts near the start of Spring Lake, work which the county says is requiring the elimination of the trees. “Basically, what we’re doing is just kind of opening the throat of the drainage basin a little bit so that the water will have an appropriate time to drain on out of there without backing up,” he says. The way the county chose to “open the throat of the drainage basin” angers Capes and several on the Springlakes board, who have resisted the project from the beginning. “We’ve been fighting with them for a METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 13
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year since they knocked on the doors and wanted us to sign an easement to get us to agree to tear all those trees down,” Capes says. The fight over the trees became more complex because the community association owns the property in question. “Every other private homeowner we
parties couldn’t reach an agreement. “It was a very long negotiation and I did my very best to come up with some funding to go back in and do some landscaping and clean up behind us,” he says. “But it was just a tough negotiation. They were very much concerned that it was going to affect their values and the aesthetics of the neighborhood.” Springlakes Community Association President John Capes
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came to an agreement with,” Allen says, indicating the easements they obtained along the stream before and after the lake. “The homeowners association was very reluctant to sell.” Capes alleges that it’s that reluctance to deal with the county that caused the deterioration in the relationship. “It became a vendetta,” Capes says. “It was personal with a couple of the Columbia County people, because they didn’t like the fact we held up the project and wouldn’t agree to do it, and they had to go through eminent domain. I was in those last two meetings, and it was almost like ‘in your face.’” Allen is also disappointed that the two
Those are fears, he says, that he doesn’t share. “There are some people in the neighborhood who think tearing the trees down de-beautifies the area and might hurt their property values,” he says. “But I don’t feel that way. I think that when it’s all said and done it will be a good-looking project that’s going to help people.” Capes, however, envisions an unsightly disaster that will look similar to the lake behind Mullins Crossing shopping center, which is an undulating landscape built of white bricks with holes in them similar to the articulated blocks Clayton has planned for Springlakes. V. 22 | NO. 47
“It’s horrible-looking crap,” Capes says. “You can’t cut the weeds that grow through the holes, so you’re going to have to use herbicide, which is going to damage the water in the stream.” Clayton, however, says that the idea is actually for the grass and weeds to grow up through the holes in order to resemble natural growth. “We want it to get back as close to its original natural environment as we can get back to,” he says. Capes and the community association wonder how weeds growing through concrete can re-create the green space that was originally there, not to mention the trees. And while Allen says the association will be able to beautify the area around the streambed however it wants, Capes is frustrated that the county didn’t agree to their requests. “We tried to get them to give us some money to landscape it back, but they argued us and have now offered us $600,” he says. “The trees alone are worth more money than that. Those trees belonged to Springlakes. They didn’t belong to the county.” He says the trees — and they weren’t all sweet gum trees that were cut down — have become a rallying cry to many in the community. “They took the land — there was nothing they could do about that. But
then they got hostile because we wanted $19,000 to restore the stream to some semblance of what it would look like,” he says. “We can’t duplicate those trees, but we were going to use some boulders and do some creative landscaping to
make it look like a mountain hill.” In spite of all the meetings and all the uproar, Capes says that some in the neighborhood had no idea what was going on until it was too late. Being civically active himself, he says he finds
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such ignorance frustrating. “All of a sudden they’re tearing up the place and now you’re wondering what’s going on?” Capes asks rhetorically. Because of their refusal to sell, the county went through the condemnation process.
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“I hated that,” Clayton says. “We just couldn’t come to an agreement.” While condemnations in these cases are relatively rare, drainage issues are not, especially for Allen, whose district includes Martinez. “Most of the drainage issue projects in the county are in the Martinez area because it’s the earliest built and most developed,” Allen says. “A lot of these projects we’re working on now are rectifying problems from the way things have come about, so a little bit of it is retrofitting.” To Capes and his neighbors, who have lost their trees and are now waiting for workers to begin installing the 40-foot drainage ditch, retrofitting sounds about as palatable as downsizing does to the recently fired, and he vows not to forget his anger. “The people in Springlakes feel that we just got screwed,” Capes says. “I’m not trying to exaggerate the situation, but I’m really sick in my stomach. I could be a revolutionary person and overthrow the Columbia County government if I had a mind to. And I have a mind to as far as the people who screwed us. I don’t think our county commission is going to stand a prayer the next election.” Allen is shrewd enough to know that the brunt of Springlakes displeasure with the commission will continue to be leveled at him. But in spite of that, he says he’s continuing to explain to people in the neighborhood that when all is said and done, it won’t be that bad. “I live there,” he says. “I’m going to do my absolute best to make sure that there’s no terrible open scar left on the land when they’re done with the project. And I trust that Billy Clayton and his team wouldn’t do that no matter what, but certainly because it’s literally in my back yard I’m going to keep a close eye on it.” As far as how it looks now, he says he’s surprised… in a good way. “It wasn’t near as bad as even I suspected, and I really don’t think it’s near as bad as some of the people who were concerned were thinking it was going to be, either,” he says. “As a matter of fact, since it’s happened, I haven’t really heard anything.” Capes, however, wants to make it clear that silence should not be mistaken for happiness. “If you think we’re happy,” he says, “you wait until we’re ugly.”
www.AugustaSouthernNationals.org 16 METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11
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Rhodes celebrates 15 years on the air. Readers don’t join in.
On Friday, July 15 Metro Spirit columnist and radio personality Austin Rhodes celebrates 15 years behind the microphone at WGAC. Augusta never knew what hit it. We’ll let Austin sing his own praises for this occasion. He’ll undoubtedly do a better job of it than we could, and anyway — he’s the one with the microphone. But as Augusta’s Independent Voice, we’ll go ahead and uncork a random, far from comprehensive selection of whines like we’ve been doing since 1995. November 16, 1995 Austin Rhodes should keep his comments confined to his rude and crude radio show. We stopped listening when he started using vulgar language. This could be due to the fact that he has an extremely limited vocabulary, which is a sad commentary on the Westside High English Department. May 14, 1998 While I was very happy to see the local band’s guest appearance on the May 4th Jones Connect Live program, it would have been so much better had the interviewer conducted by someone with a knowledge of music instead of the incompetent (and embarrassing) job done by Austin Rhodes stick to local politics, Austin.-e-mail June 4, 1998 Austin Rhodes, please leave your brain to science at the Medical College of Georgia. It will be very interesting to see what it looks like. June 25, 1998 Do you know anyone who is more self-serving or sanctimonious than Austin Rhodes? July 9, 1998 I wonder what a poll on Austin Rhodes would show? However he is such an insignificant individual, except in his own head, it is hardly worth the effort.
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July 16, 1998 Austin Rhodes suffers from delusions of grandeur. October 29, 1998 I heard Austin Rhodes recently won an award. It must have been the Biggest Legend in His Own Mind Award. December 17, 1998 This is to the man who thinks that, not only should Austin Rhodes have been suspended, but fired, who asked when the last time you heard a black person using the “N-word.” Hey Dude, this is the ’90s and I am an African-American male. Black people use that word every four words in a sentence. Where have you been? December 3, 1998 If all you need to be elected mayor in the city of Augusta is a voice and a face to be seen and heard, then watch out Augusta. Here comes that ignorant Austin Rhodes. December 17, 1998 The “Mouth” Austin Rhodes claimed that, upon being appointed to the Coliseum Authority and discovering any wrongdoing he would use his show to shout and scream to expose it to the public. Hey “Mouth,” I can’t hear you. January 14, 1999 Austin Rhodes is like the “prez”: He can’t get enough and, like the Democrats, lost the moral high ground. Shame on The Metropolitan Spirit for providing Austin another column. Where is your journalistic integrity? January 14, 1999 Austin Rhodes’ first article for The Metropolitan Spirit was malicious, insulting, self-righteous and just plain silly. Please replace his offensive column with another page of The Whine Line. January 28, 1999 I started reading last week’s Spirit and had to go out of town. Just got back and started reading it again, and I’ll be
damned if you don’t have Austin Rhodes in here again January 28, 1999 Well, I was reading about Austin Rhodes, in the Spirit, and he said when he was a child his teacher washed his mouth out with soap. Well, she must have got his brain because he sure ain’t got one. I can’t stand the man. Why don’t thy get him off the air? January 28, 1999 Your addition to your paper, a weekly article by Austin “the mouth” Rhodes, now makes the paper worth just about what you charge for it, or maybe a little less. January 28, 1999 Thanks to the whiner who gave the definition of “moron,” I now know exactly how to define Austin Rhodes. August 12, 1999 I always enjoy a good comedy, and the biggest clown on radio, Austin Rhodes, makes me sick and laugh at the same time October 7, 1999 Wouldn’t you folks like to see Austin Rhodes run for mayor? I think it’s time Augusta had a real mayor. Think about it. October 7, 1999 Guess what, folks? I like Austin Rhodes! He speaks his mind; he is right on target the majority of the time; and I think he is a wonderful addition to an independently
thinking publication like the Spirit. October 28, 1999 Austin Rhodes, you should run for county commissioner. You would make a good one, but since you live in Atlanta now, oh well. October 28, 1999 Who spends the most time promoting themselves, the mayor’s wife or Austin Rhodes? November 4, 1999 Austin Rhodes would make an excellent mayor and, come to think of it, so would James Brown. Thank God I live in Aiken. November 18, 1999 Austin Rhodes should get a job selling used cars in Atlanta. That’s where his true talent lies. He should realize he’s never going to make it to the top in the journalistic field. December 30, 1999 I wonder why Austin Rhodes always pins roses on himself. I thought other people were supposed to compliment you, not you yourself. I wonder what his new in-laws think of him. December 16, 1999 I really and truly think Austin Rhodes is about the best thing going in this community as far as news and ideas and so forth are concerned. I really think he is excellent at what he does.
METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 17
September 14, 2000 Austin Rhodes must have a death wish. His wife ought to kill him after that last column.
May 31, 2001 Hey, Austin isn’t smug. He has the same quirky smile that George W. has. So cute!
December 14, 2000 The more I listen to Austin Rhodes the more I am convinced that you could shoot his brain through a straw.
May 16, 2002 Is Austin Rhodes the best Augusta has to offer? No wonder we are in such a terrible state of being.
December 21, 2000 Austin Rhodes is a bigoted, opinionated slob. We get enough of this partisan type of journalism in our local daily paper.
June 6, 2002 When are Austin Rhodes and Ronnie Few going to show the public their high school diplomas?
January 11, 2001 Austin Rhodes ticks me off nearly every day and that’s why I listen. I love to catch him being outrageous. When will everyone finally get it that Austin Rhodes is great fun and quit trying to run him off? Augusta will be nothing but boring if he leaves for good. February 8, 2001 U had no idea that Austin Rhodes’ show was syndicated out of Atlanta! Wow Austin, you had us all fooled. So tell us, how well are you keeping up with Augusta events, from Atlanta? March 1, 2001 It amazes me, with all the people Austin Rhodes has offended, that no one has enough clout to get him off the radio. I fixed that, however: I don’t listen to WGAC anymore. March 22, 2001 I knew Austin when he was in high school too. He is sure not a loser, just a genius ahead of his time. May 17, 2001 Why is it that Austin Rhodes, with his smug-looking look-at-me-I-think-I’m so-sexy look on his face, has to be in the Metro Spirit?
June 20, 2002 So, you don’t think Austin is smarter than 90 percent in Augusta. You are so right. He is smarter than 99 percent. August 29, 2002 Austin Rhodes doesn’t cause the problems; they are already there. April 24, 2003 Why does your paper continue to publish the inane ramblings of an egotistical jerk like Austin Rhodes? He is a failing grade on your otherwise very reputable newspaper. Dump him. You don’t need him May 29, 2003 Austin Rhodes called Lowell Greenbaum an uneducated dolt. Hmm….Lowell Greenbaum taught pharmacology, while Austin Rhodes didn’t even attend college. Austin needs to look in the mirror when he uses the words “uneducated dolt.” September 11, 2003 Well, well, well. So you fired Austin. The truth is so hard for many people to stomach. Say all the negative things you like about Austin-he always tells the truth. September 11, 2003 Austin Rhodes is a poster boy for what’s wrong in Augusta today. Thanks Metro Spirit for taking a stand, even if it was a day late. June 3, 2004 If I were Austin Rhodes or Phil Kent, I don’t think I’d go for a jet plane ride with Robin Williams. May 25, 2006 Austin Rhodes needs to grow up. Whenever he’s confronted with someone who has a different viewpoint than him on his radio program, he starts interrupting them and then he resorts to cussing them and calling them names. Austin, act your shoe size on your own time, because we don’t want to hear it in public and this is the most unprofessional way to act I’ve ever heard of. Grow up!
18 METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11
August 3, 2006 Bravo to Austin Rhodes for his lawsuit against the disgusting criminals Ryan B. and Champ Walker. Those two have scraped the bottom of some dung heap in Hell for the rot of lies they just noted about Austin and deserve to be banished from the airwaves permanently, as well as charged fines for those offenses. Go Austin, go! June 13, 2007 I am disappointed that the Metro Spirit has not dumped Austin Rhodes. His popularity is fading faster than melted butter. August 29, 2007 Austin Rhodes must be really afraid to lose his job because he’s calling everyone his “good buddy” or his “good friend.” I remember when he called Robin Williams his good buddy and Linda Shrenko his good friend. October 24, 2007 Can you please put the Whine Line farther away from Austin Rhodes? I can’t stand to see his picture. October 24, 2007 Austin Rhodes is already educated beyond his intelligence. Bless his heart. His next career move is to become Andy Cheek’s dome polisher. January 23, 2008 Austin Rhodes has a talent for taking the most interesting subject and hammering it into sterility. February 27, 2008 Austin Rhodes, you are no spring chicken. You are almost a fossil yourself. You need to show some respect to your elders, son.
Austin is wrong about most of the stuff he writes about. September 16, 2009 If those two yahoos over at 95 Rock beat Austin Rhodes because of some Facebook campaigning, I’m gonna be sick. November 11, 2009 Austin Rhodes played a troll in Storyland Theatre’s “Bilbo and the Magic Ring.” Some would think that ironic. May 5, 2010 What’s up, Austin Rhodes? Is that failed attempt at a goatee on your chin a desperate attempt to make you look less like an old lesbian? May 26, 2010 A whine about those opposed to Austin’s columns, despite their informative, fair approach. Just because you don’t agree with the truth doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be published. Go Austin! January 19, 2011 Grow up, Austin and Metro Spirit and mend fences. I actually miss reading his piece. Sometimes it was garbage, other times I liked it, but either way your paper needs a column like that. May 26, 2011 Did Austin really just make a column out of stuff he found on Google? Hope ya’ll are paying him enough coz that is some genius writing. A special thanks to Austin Rhodes for friending us on Facebook and, therefore, providing the pictures for this feature. Austin, you might want to rethink that decision.
April 16, 2008 Hopefully, Austin Rhodes will never receive a penny because he should never be rewarded for spewing his vile views on hate radio. July 1, 2009 Looks like Austin was wrong about Mr. Sanford’s whereabouts. Then again, V. 22 | NO. 47
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Can’t Be Too Country Bradley Gaskin grew up listening to the traditional country music that his father and grandfather played — George Jones, Merle Haggard, Buck Owens and John Anderson are just a few that the Alabama native mentions. “I remember standing up on his kitchen table at his and my grandma’s house and singing songs on top of the table for his friends and them giving me money,” Gaskin said recently by phone. “I remember thinking, ‘Hey, these people are giving me money. Maybe this is something I could do later on.” From that time on Gaskin told anybody and everybody that all he wanted to do was sing and write country music for a living. But when he grew up and moved to Nashville, Tenn., to try and make it big, he discovered something he didn’t think was possible. “People would tell me that I didn’t really fit today’s radio and that I was too country,” he laughed. “I’m an Alabama boy so I don’t understand what too country means.” After moving back to Alabama to help his father in the family drywall business, Gaskin was one day struck by inspiration. “We were coming home from work to the trailer we lived in and my dad asked me to help him bring the tools in from the truck,” he said. “I said, ‘Yeah, I’ll be glad to help you but I gotta write this song real quick. The first line was ‘Mr. Bartender.’ He came in a few minutes later and I said, ‘Dad, I wrote a song while you were out there’ and he said, ‘I wasn’t out there long enough.’” Gaskin continued to have an uphill battle getting anyone in the country music world to notice him until his wife, a nurse, mentioned that he should try for a spot on John Rich’s Get Rich Talent Search. Jaded from years of rejection, Gaskin declined but let his wife upload some of his songs to MySpace. Three weeks after posting the songs, none other than John Rich called him. And far from others Gaskin had met in the music business, Rich liked him just the way he was. “When I met John, he didn’t want me to change nothing,” Gaskin said. “So if I was a boxer, I’d say John Rich is the best cut man I ever had.” Since 2008, Gaskin has performed at Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium and at the Grand Ole Oprey; not only that, he got to see his 2-year-old daughter Madi’s reaction to hearing his song on the radio. So where does he go from here? “Well, my wife asked me, ‘Where do you go after all your prayers and dreams have came true?’” he said. “And honestly, I don’t know. I’ve set out to do everything I wanted to do and I’m married to the prettiest girl in the world. I guess I’m just taking it day to day.” Kicks 99 Presents Bradley Gaskin The Country Club Friday, July 15 706-364-1862 augustacountry.com
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calendar 793-8552 or visit fortgordon.com.
Sunday Sketch at the Morris Museum of Art, in which participants can sketch in the galleries, is Sunday, July 17, from 2-3:30 p.m. Supplies provided. Free. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. Arts groups are invited to apply to the Greater Augusta Arts Council for grants, awarded on a competitive basis with primary consideration given to the quality of artistic activities, management of fiscal responsibilities, demonstrated financial need, and the degree of benefit to the Augusta community. Deadline for application is Friday, July 22. E-mail Grace Inman at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit augustaarts.com. Day of Art, hosted by the North Augusta Artists Guild, is each Tuesday from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at the Arts and Heritage Center and includes a group of artists painting in the center who will answer questions or allow visitors to join in. Call 803-441-4380 or visit artsandheritagecenter.com.
Jane Popiel Exhibition shows at Sacred Heart Cultural Center through the month of August. Call 706-826-4700 or visit sacredheartaugusta.org. Civil War Redux: Pinhole Photographs by Willie Anne Wright shows at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-828-3867 or visit themorris.org. Artwork by local artists Lisa Baggs and David Godbee will be displayed at the Walton Rehabilitation Hospital Art Hallway through the month of July. Call 706-823-8584 or visit wrh.org. Philip Juras: The Southern Frontier, landscapes inspired by Bartram’s travels, shows at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org.
Jamp-Cert, a performance by students from the James Brown Academy of Musik Pupils, is Friday, July 15, at 7 p.m. at the Augusta Museum of History. Free. Call 706-736-6216 or visit V. 22 | NO. 47
“The General and His Lady,” a production of Enopion Theatre Company in conjunction with The Salvation Army of Augusta’s Kroc Center, shows Friday, July 15, at 8 p.m. and Saturday and Thursday, July 16 and 21, at 7 p.m. The original music production depicts the story of William Booth, the founder of The Salvation Army, and his wife Catherine. $10, students and seniors over 65; $15, adults. Call 706-771-7777 or visit enopion.com.
Eastern Star Dance Theatre presents Artists for Animals, a fundraiser for the CSRA Humane Society on Saturday, July 16, at 7:30 p.m. at Le Chat Noir. Also at the event will be a silent auction with items donated by the Columbia County Artists Guild. Call 706-7223322 or visit lcnaugusta.com.
jamesbrownfamilyfdn.org. Pick’n and Praise’n, a live music event featuring the Sugarloaf Mountain Boys and Lewis and Marla Rogers & New Direction, is Saturday, July 16, from 6-9 p.m. at Glenn Hills Baptist Church on Lumpkin Road. This free, family friendly event also includes grilled hamburgers and hotdogs, and homemade ice cream. Call 706-373-7855. Opal String Quartet performs Sunday, July 17, at 2 p.m. at the Morris Museum of Art as part of the Music at the Morris Series. Free. Call 706-8283867 or visit themorris.org. A Tribute to Clifford Brown featuring A Step Up, part of the Candlelight Jazz Series, is Sunday, July 17, at 8 p.m. at the River Stage at 8th Street. Participants are invited to bring their own seating and picnic. $6. Call 706-495-6238 or visit gardencityjazz.com. Auditions for the Augusta Chorale’s 2011-2012 season are July 1819 at 7 p.m. in classroom 3 of the Paine College Music Building. Appointment required. Auditions will also be held at the same time on July 25-26. Call Phyllis Anderson at 706-830-0991 or email email@example.com.
Doug and the Henrys perform at Hopelands Gardens in Aiken on Monday, July 18, at 7 p.m. as part of the Hopelands Summer Concert Series Call 803-642-7630 or visit aiken.net/ hopelandsgarden.html.
Lunch Bunch Book Discussion is Tuesday, July 19, from 11:30 a.m.-1 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. The group will discuss “Miles To Go” by Richard Paul Evans, a story of an inspirational journey across the country. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Harlem Book Discussion will be held Thursday, July 21, at 4 p.m. The group will discuss “Dragonfly in Amber” by Diana Gabaldon. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org. NOOK Tutorials at Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall are each Saturday beginning at noon, followed by a NOOKcolor tutorial at 12:30 p.m. Free. Call 706-737-0012 or visit bn.com.
“Here on the Flight Path,” a production of the Fort Gordon Dinner Theatre, shows July 15-16, with dinner at 7 p.m. and show following at 8 p.m. $24$40. Reservations required. Call 706-
Auditions for “The 39 Steps” by Bobby Dimon will be held FridaySaturday, July 18-19, at 7:30 p.m. Available are three parts for men, one part for a woman. Contact Steve Walpert with the Fort Gordon Dinner Theatre at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Friday Dance is every Friday night from 8:30-11 p.m. at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans. $10. Call 706854-8888 or visit thebdc.us. Christian Singles Dance, for ages 18 and over, is every Saturday night at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans from 7-11 p.m. $8-$10. Call 706-8548888 or visit thebdc.us.
“Gulliver’s Travels” shows Thursday, July 14, at 2:30 p.m. at the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-7932020 or visit ecgrl.org. “The Hidden Fortress” (Japanese) shows Thursday, July 14, at 6 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. “Yogi Bear” shows Tuesday, July 19, at 2:30 p.m. at the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org. “Rango” shows Tuesday, July 19, at 6:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. “Tangled” shows Tuesday, July 19, at 6:30 p.m. at the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org.
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“Tron: Legacy” shows Thursday, July 21, at 2:30 p.m. at the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org.
Drop-InWineTastingatVineyard Wine Market in Evans is Thursday, July 14, from 5-6:30 p.m. and features Peter Spann of Spann Vineyards. Call 706922-9463 or visit vine11.com. “Dealing with Difficult People,” a professional development luncheon, will be held Wednesday, July 20, from 11:30 a.m.-1 p.m. $25 for chamber members; $25 for first-time visitors. Lunch provided by Marco’s Pizza. Visit columbiacountychamber.com. Third Thursday Wine Tasting at Wine World will be Thursday, July 21, from 5-8 p.m. Sample three whites, three reds, and cheese. $5, with a $3 rebate with purchase of a featured wine. Call 803-279-9522 or visit wineworldsc.com. Couponing with Carol is Thursday, July 21, from 6:30-8 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. WeeklyWineTastingsatVineyard Wine Market in Evans are each Friday at 6:30 p.m. and each Saturday from 1-6 p.m. Call 706-922-9463 or visit vine11.com. Nominations sought for 2011 Preservation Awards. In order to be considered for an award, a property must be on or eligible for nomination to the National Register of Historic Places, either individually or as part of a historic district, and the project must be completed. Nominations will be accepted until Aug. 15. Call Robyn Anderson at 706-724-0436, e-mail robyn@ historicaugusta.org or mail to P.O. Box 37, Augusta, GA 30903. Saturday Market at the River, located at 8th Street Plaza, downtown Augusta, is each Saturday through Oct. 29, from 8 a.m.-2 p.m. Visit theaugustamarket.com.
SouthernCare Annual Pain Management Conference is Thursday, July 14, from 9 a.m.-5 p.m. During the conference participants will learn about the types of pain, how to assess, and how to manage pain. Pre-registration required. Call 803-643-9888. Car Seat Class will be held Thursday, July 14, from 5:45-8 p.m. in MCGHealth Building 1010C. $10. Pre-
22 METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11
registration required. Call 706-721-7606 or visit mcghealth.org. Weight Loss Seminar, covering obesity causes, side effects, health risks and surgical treatments, is Thursday, July 14, at the Columbia County Library at 7 p.m. Hosted by Georgia Health Sciences University’s Weight Loss Center. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-721-2609 or visit mcghealth.org/ weightloss. Look Good, Feel Better Support Group at Aiken Regional Medical Center meets Monday, July 18, from 1-2:30 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 803-6416044 or visit aikenregional.com. Breastfeeding Class at Aiken Regional Medical Center is Tuesday, July 19, from 6-8 p.m. on the sixth floor, classroom A. $5. Call 800-322-8322 or visit aikenregional.com. Breastfeeding Class is Tuesday, June 19, from 7-9 p.m. Class will be held in the Ambulatory Care Center, room 5306. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-721-9351 or visit mcghealth.org. American Red Cross Babysitter’s Training is Thursday, July 21, from 9 a.m.-4 p.m. Students ages 11 to 15 learn about leadership, safety, basic care and first aid in order to provide safe, responsible care. $30 fee includes babysitting text and certificate. Preregistration required. Call 803-641-5000 or visit aikenregional.com. Weekender Childbirth Preparation Class, a complete childbirth preparation class designed for those with time constraints or fluctuating schedules, is Friday, July 15, from 6:30-9:30 p.m., and Saturday, July 16, from 9 a.m.-5:30 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706774-2825 or visit universityhealth.org. Multiple Sclerosis and Parkinson Disease Aquatics Class, sponsored by the CSRA Parkinson Support Group and The Family Y, is a group class designed specifically for ambulatory participants affected by Multiple Sclerosis and Parkinson Disease. Held each Friday at noon at the Wilson Family Y indoor pool. Call Claudia Collins at 706-922-9664 or visit thefamilyy.org. Joint Efforts, an informational class about knee and hip pain causes and treatments sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets every Thursday at 11 a.m. at Augusta Orthopaedic Clinic. Call 706-481-7604 or visit trinityofaugusta.com.
ALS Support Lunch and Learn is Thursday, July 14, from 11 a.m.-1:30 p.m. in MCGHealth Medical Office Building’s fourth floor, room 4306. Lunch is provided. Pre-registration required. Call 706-721-2681 or visit mcghealth.org. Breast Cancer Support Group meets Thursday, July 14, from 5:30-7:30 p.m. in MCGHealth’s Cancer Center’s first floor community room. Call 706721-4109 or visit mcghealth.org. YoungWomenwithBreastCancer meets Friday, July 15, at 12:30 p.m. Call 706-774-4141 or visit universityhealth.org. Skip To My Lupus meets at Aiken Regional Medical Center Dining Room A Thursday, June 19, from 7-9 a.m. Call 803-282-9193 or visit aikenregional.com. Oral, Head and Neck Cancer Support Group meets Tuesday, July 19, from 6-7:30 p.m. at the MCGHealth Cancer Center. Call 706-721-0550 or visit mcghealth.org. Trauma Support Group will meet Wednesday, July 20, from noon-1 p.m. Locations will alternate. Call 706-7210278 or visit mcghealth.org. Cancer Support Group at Aiken Regional Medical Center will meet Wednesday, July 20, from 3-4 p.m. in the First Baptist Church parlor. Call 803644-6140 or visit aikenregional.com. Blood Cancer/Stem Cell Support Group will meet Thursday, July 21, from 5:30-7 p.m. in the MCGHealth Cancer Center’s first floor community room. Call 706-721-1634 or visit mcghealth.org. Registration is going on now for Men’s Support Group: Social Skills Build Self-Esteem, a group for those who suffer from social anxiety or other problems that make it tough to fit in. Closed to public after group starts on Monday, July 18. It meets every other Monday from 6-7:30 p.m. until the end of the year. Held at Family Counseling Center of CSRA through a grant provided by The Community Foundation. Call Sue at 706868-5011. Moms Connection meets every Tuesday from 1-2 p.m. at 1225 Walton Way (the old Fairway Ford dealership), room 1010C. Pre-registration required. Call 706-721-9351 or visit mcghealth.org. Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meets each Wednesday at 1:30 p.m. in Suite 110 of Medical
Office Building 2, 3624 J. Dewey Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Call 706-651-2229 or visit doctors-hospital.net.
Beginning Computer II Computer Class is Thursday, July 14, at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org. Microsoft Word I Computer Class is Tuesday, July 19, at 6:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Facebook for Seniors is Wednesday, July 20, at 10 a.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Tips and Tricks from Ancestery.com and HeritrageQuest. com, a seminar on online search tools in genealogy, is Thursday, July 21, at 2 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-8261511 or visit ecgrl.org. Saturday Historic Trolley Tour, every Saturday, begins at the Museum of History and tours historic downtown Augusta from 1-3:15 p.m. Reservations required. All seats are $12. 706-724-4067.
Eban Brown of the Stylistics performs at the Julian Smith Bar-B-Q Pit on Friday, July 15, in a benefit for RHEMA Connectons. Doors open at 7 p.m.; music starts around 8 p.m. Tickets, $15, are by advanced purchase only. Call 706-496-1701, 706-414-1937 or visit rhemaconnections.org. Artists for the Animals Fundraiser is Saturday, July 16, at 7:30 p.m. at Le Chat Noir. This is a special benefit performance for the CSRA Humane Society is presented by Eastern Star Dance Theatre and other local artists. Proceeds benefit the CSRA Humane Society. $15. Call 706-722-3322 or visit lcnaugusta.com. Karma Yoga is offered at Just Breathe Studio, downtown Aiken, each Friday at 10 a.m. and is free if participants bring a donation of a personal item which will be given to the Cumbee Center to Assist Abused Persons. Call 803-648-8048 or visit justbreathestudio.com.
The Augusta GreenJackets play the Hagerstown Suns ThursdaySaturday, July 14-16, at 7:05 p.m., and V. 22 | NO. 47
the Savannah Sand Gnats Sunday, July 17, at 5:35 p.m. and Monday, July 18, 7:05 p.m. at Lake Olmstead Stadium. $1-$13. Call 706-922-WINS or visit greenjacketsbaseball.com. 26th Annual Augusta Southern Nationals, held on the Savannah River, is July 15-17. Gates open each day at 8 a.m., with races starting at 9 a.m. Races usually conclude around 6 p.m. The event includes the Night of Fire on Friday, July 15, at 7 p.m. at the Augusta Common. Series tickets, good for all three days, are $22 in advance or $30 at the gate. Daily tickets are sold at the gate for $18. Children 10 and under are admitted free with a paying adult. Call 803-278-4849 or visit tixonline.com. Grass Roots Cross Country Race Series continues with an 8K race Saturday, July 16, at 8 a.m. at Blanchard Woods Park in Evans. $12 entry fee, and day-of registration is available from 7:157:50 a.m. Call Adam Ward at 706-7317914 or email email@example.com. Augusta Rugby Football Club meets every Wednesday from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Larry Bray Memorial Pitch, 100 Wood Street. New players are welcome. Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
V. 22 | NO. 47
Group Run begins each Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. at Nacho Mama’s. Three- and four-mile routes are available for all ages and abilities of runners. Call 706-414-4059 or email email@example.com. Hockey Skills & Drills is every Thursday from 6-8 p.m. at Augusta Ice Sports Center. $10-$15. Call 706-863-0061 or visit augustaicesports.com. Thursday Night Chain Reaction Ride begins at 6 p.m. each Thursday at Patriots Park in Grovetown. For intermediate to fast-paced cyclists, who average 25-32 miles. Participants should bring their own water and helmet. Call 706-855-2024 or visit chainreactionbicycles.net. Riverview Disc Golf League meets each Thursday at 6 p.m. at Riverview Park in North Augusta. $5 entry fee and $1 ace pool. Call 803-2158181 or visit augustadiscgolf.com. Road Bike Ride meets each Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse downtown for an approximately 25-mile ride at a moderate to fast pace. Front and rear lights, as well as a helmet, are required. Call 706-7246777 or visit andyjordans.com.
Wheelchair Tennis Clinic, presented by the Walton Foundation for Independence, meets each Monday at 6 p.m. (weather permitting) at The Club at Rae’s Creek. Free and open to the public. Call 706-826-5809 or email alsalley@ wrh.org. Augusta Canal Boat Tours lasting one hour are offered daily at 10 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m. and 3 p.m. Saturday Sunset Cruises, lasting three hours, are at 5 p.m. All tours include admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center. Call 706-823-0440 or visit augustacanal.com.
AJADACO and ABATSU African Drums and Dance is a program in which participants will dance, drum and have fun while learning about West African traditions at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library on Thursday, July 14, at 10 a.m. For all ages; pre-registration required for groups of 6 or more. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org.
Special Story Times at Pendleton King Park with Inspiration Sensation will be Thursday, June 14, at 10 a.m. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Bricks 4 Kidz: Building with
Legos is Thursday, July 14, at 6 p.m. at the Harlem Branch Library. Call 706556-9795 or visit ecgrl.org. “Winnie the Pooh” will show Saturday, July 16, at 2 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Art Travelers! Summer Camp at Episcopal Day School will be held Monday-Friday, July 18-22, from 9 a.m.1 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706-828-3867 or visit themorris.org. Our Friends In China Craft Program is Monday, July 18, at 3 p.m. Participants will create a Chinese fan with tissue paper at the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org. Animal Sounds Around the World will be Tuesday, July 19, at 10 a.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. A Trip to Brazil, presented by Kahfre Abif, is Tuesday, July 19, at 10 a.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org. K-9 Dogs from the Richmond County Sheriff’s Department will visit the Friedman Branch Library Tuesday, July
METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 23
19, at 10 a.m. Call 706-736-6758 or visit ecgrl.org. Lions: Stories and a Craft is Tuesday, July 19, at 10 a.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Participants will listen to stories about lions and make a lion mask. Best for ages 6-12. Pre-registration required. Call 706722-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Tie-Dye T-Shirts Craft Workshop is Tuesday, July 19, at 2 p.m. at Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Participants should bring their own cotton T-shirt to dye. Best for ages 14-17. Pre-registration required. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Insect Investigations is Wednesday, July 20, from 10-11 a.m. at Reed Creek Park. Participants will learn about insects as they catch and release them using bug nets in different areas of the park. For ages 5 and up. Preregistration required. Free for members and $2 per child for nonmembers. Call 706-210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com. K-9 Dogs from the Richmond County Sheriff’s Department will visit the Maxwell Branch Library Wednesday, July 20, at 10 a.m. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org.
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Therapy Dogs is Wednesday, July 20, at 10:30 a.m. at the Appleby Branch Library. Call 706-736-6244 or visit ecgrl.org. Choco-Latte Craft for Teens is Wednesday, July 20, from 1-2 p.m. at the Maxwell Branch Library. Participants will make chocolate coffee stirrers and participate in coffee trivia for a chance to win prizes. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org. Puppet Show is Wednesday, July 20, at 2 p.m. at the Euchee Creek Branch Library. Call 706-556-0594 or visit ecgrl.org. Puppet Show is Wednesday, July 20, at 2 p.m. at the Evans Library. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org.
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Ben and Keeters Puppets is Wednesday, July 20, at 2:30 p.m. at the Harlem Branch Library. Call 706-5569795 or visit ecgrl.org. Hands on Science Activity with Nate Hobbs of Reed Creek Park is Wednesday, July 20, at 4 p.m. at the Friedman Branch Library. Call 706-7366758 or visit ecgrl.org. “The Bremen Town Musicians,” a Porkchop Productions presentation, is Thursday, July 21, at 10 a.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. This
telling of the classic German fairy tale includes music, songs and a chance for audience members to become a part of the story. Best for ages 4-10. Call 706772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Special Story Time at Pendleton King Park with children’s librarian Eileen McCoy will be Thursday, July 21, at 10 a.m. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Nurturing Nature Walks at Reed Creek Nature Park, for ages 3 to 5, is on Thursday, July 21, from 10-11 a.m. Free for members and $2 per child for nonmembers. Call 706-210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com. Tae Kwon Do lessons are at the Wilson Family Y, Family Y of Augusta South and North Augusta throughout the month of July. Lessons are twice a week and for all skill levels, ages 5 and up. $35 per month for members; $55 per month for non-members. Register at any Family Y location or online at thefamilyy.org. The Power of Art, a summer arts camp for children ages 4-6 who have not yet started the first grade, meets from 9 a.m.-noon the weeks of July 18 and 25. All take place at the Aiken Center for the Arts. Camps are $130 per week and pre-registration is required. Call 803-641-9094 or visit aikencenterforthearts.org. Larry Cat in Space shows at USC-Aiken’s Dupont Planetarium Saturdays in July at 8 p.m., while To the Moon and Beyond Shows at 9 p.m. Tickets for each show are $4.50 for adults, $3.50 for seniors, $2.50 for 4K-12th grade students and $1 for USC-A students, faculty and staff. Call 803-641-3769 or visit usca.edu/rpsec/ planetarium/. Monday Movie Matinees at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library show at 2 p.m. throughout the summer. Participants may bring their own snacks. Call the library for a list of movies to be shown. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Less Than Two Minutes Film Contest for Young Adults is going on through Monday, July 18. Movies less than two minutes in length submitted by that deadline will be eligible for prizes and will be shown at the Diamond Lakes Library’s Less Than Two Minutes Film Festival on Monday, July 25, at 6 p.m. Prizes will be awarded for best of show, best of show runner-up, most innovative and fan favorite. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Registration for Gertrude V. 22 | NO. 47
TABLE OF CONTENTS Welcome to Gold’s Gym CSRA residents lose weight, gain fitness at three area locations
Locations - Augusta - Premier Fitness Tip of the Month - North Augusta - Aiken
More than 45 years ago, Joe Gold opened a modest fitness center in Venice Beach, Calif., and began a tradition of commitment, passion and dedication that is now practiced at more than 600 locations across the globe. Today, in the CSRA, there are three locations to serve you: Aiken, North Augusta and our newest location in Augusta. Our state-of-the-art fitness facilities are built with the most diverse amenities and the best staff in the industry to help people realize their goals. We hope this publication will help you in getting to know the folks who work so hard in making Gold’s Gym the best experience in the fitness industry. This month we want to introduce you to our managers: Mitch Hearns from Aiken, Brad Martin from North Augusta and Ben Daniels from Augusta. These young men are dedicated to helping our members feel right at home. You can also look forward to learning fitness tips from Tony Dempsey, owner of Premier Fitness Personal Training, and read about the unbelievable success story of Tammy Malcolm, who has lost over 100 pounds and is now a valued team member in our North Augusta location. If you have not started on your path to physical fitness yet, we hope you will consider Gold’s Gym. Whether you would like to lose 10 pounds or 100, we promise to help you meet your goals. It’s never to late. Enjoy reading and please feel free to share with your friends or family. Real people, real results.
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596 Bobby Jones Expressway | 706.396-4653 (GOLD) | Open 24 hours Mondays at 5 a.m. - Fridays at 9 p.m. | 8 a.m. - 8 p.m. Saturdays | 10 a.m. - 8 p.m. Sundays
PREMIER FITNESS LIVES UP TO ITS NAME Venture to the back of Gold’s Gym in Augusta and you’ll find a 5,000-squarefoot facility covered in astroturf. It’s the home of Premier Fitness PT, a personal training company owned by Tony Dempsey and Megan Bohlander (pictured above) that partners with the health club. “We are a personal training company with one sole focus, and that’s personal training,” Tony said. “We’re not in the health-club business and we don’t sell health-club memberships.” Rather, Tony and Megan offer ways for Gold’s Gym members to have the
best possible health-club experience. “We want to know what’s going on, almost from a psychological standpoint,” Tony explained. “We don’t just want them to lose weight but we want to help them feel better about themselves. We want to partner with them to improve their overall quality of life.” And that’s why, when someone joins Gold’s Gym, they automatically receive an initial fitness consultation with Premier Fitness. Some, Tony said, are reluctant to pay for the services of a personal trainer when they could just as easily (they think) do it themselves.
Fitness Tip of the Month: Staying in Shape While on the Go In life, sometimes it can be difficult to find time to get into the gym. That is no excuse to not continue to exercise and put your health first. The most important thing is always carving out time for yourself. Listed are some key exercises you can do at home or work that do not require the gym. Lower Body: Walking lunges (3 sets, 15 reps each leg) Step Ups (3 sets, 15 reps) Air Squats (3 sets, 25 reps) Upper Body: Pushups (on knees if needed) (2 sets, 10 reps) Chair Dips (3 sets, 15 reps) Curl and Shoulder Press (3 sets, 20 reps) Core: Plank (3 sets, 30 sec) Traditional Situps Lying Leg Raises (3 sets, 12 reps) Cardio: This is something you can do at work, home or wherever you are. The key to cardio is finding the time. Power Walk/Hike Bike Ride The key is making the time. Find a buddy and stay motivated! There is no excuse to not be happy with the way you look, the way you feel and the confidence you have in yourself. If you are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired and ready to make a change, then focus on the simple exercises listed and you will develop the confidence to know that you are doing everything you can to feel better, look better and have a better quality of life. Make it happen! Tony Dempsey and Megan Bohlander Premier Fitness Personal Training
Sometimes, he said, it’s not that easy. “My question to them would be, ‘How has that worked for you so far?’” he said. “People need the accountability, they need the motivation, they need the guidance of, ‘What do I do?’ When they join a gym, it can be exciting, but it can be intimidating as well, and they need somebody by their side.” With Tony or Megan by their sides, new gym members can learn how to use the equipment, as well as take advantage of Premier’s Boot Camp classes, in which groups of 3-4 rotate between 15-17 stations with very little rest time between stations. “They are simplistic exercises, but it’s a matter of keeping their heart rates up,” he explained. “We do some pretty creative things in the Boot Camp class.” Normally, $49 a month gets a Gold’s Gym member unlimited Boot Camp classes for a month but, during July, Tony said that they are signing up people for the Biggest Loser contest, which means, for $35, they get 16 boot camp classes, one a week for the 16week program that also include nutrition counseling and a prize to the winner at the end. And the nutrition counseling that Tony and Megan provide, he said, is based on sound advice. They give clients a master food list and a food journal, then spend time with each individual working to make the list fit in with their lifestyles and tastes. “We’re really just trying to encourage healthy lifestyles,” he assured. “We don’t believe in crazy diets because diets only work while you’re on them.” Premier’s service is a comprehensive, individualized program that Tony said is as rewarding for him and Megan as it is for their clients. “The reward, for us, is our relationship with our clients,” he said. “That’s why we do what we do.”
Ben Daniels is so full of energy it can’t help but rub off on other people. It’s a good thing, then, that he is manager of the new Gold’s Gym location in Augusta. “I’m an extremely high-energy person,” he said. “I love to see people come in here and want to change their lives and I’m more than happy to be here and help them through the process.” Born and raised in North Augusta, Ben was a weightlifter in high school and competed in strength meets. He began working for Gold’s Gym at the North Augusta location and moved when the new Augusta location opened. “I’ve been with Gold’s Gym for about three years now — three wonderful years,” he laughed. “I got into the gym business in 2007 and just kind of fell in love with it.” Even though he’s in charge of most everything that goes on at the Augusta location, Ben said talking with clients is still his favorite part of the job. “I like to talk to them about how they got to where they are today and what they want to do to change it,” he said. Gold’s, he said, makes that easy with extended weekday hours, a friendly staff and, best of all, affordable fees. “Our claim to fame over in Augusta is our pricing,” he said. “Right now we’ve got the $10 month-to-month membership with no contract and no enrollment fee. That’s the basic membership. The Gold Membership is $19.99 a month and it includes tanning, massage chairs, access to other locations, free guest privileges, so you can bring in a friend anytime you would like, and a Gold’s Gym T-shirt.” Another claim to fame has to be the location’s Biggest Loser competition, which will start up again soon. In the past, the competition has resulted in both short- and long-term benefits for its participants. “Sterling Herrington [the winner of the last contest], he lost 72 pounds at Gold’s Gym in 12 weeks,” Ben said. “Mary Jane Howell, she lost 31 pounds in 12 weeks, but I think she’s actually lost almost 100 pounds since becoming a member of Gold’s Gym.” All it takes, Ben said, is that first step. “The first step,” he said, “is getting in the door here and getting the health club membership.”
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If a genie had appeared to Tammy Malcolm three years ago and predicted her future as a fitness instructor, she would have scoffed. “If somebody told me that I would be a member of a health club three years ago I would have laughed at them,” Tammy said. “Much less work for one.” In 2009, you see, Tammy had just had her fourth child and weighed 200 pounds. “I had just had a little girl, child No. 4, and decided it was time to get in shape and do something for myself,” she explained. “Gold’s is conveniently located about five minutes from my house, they have a really good name and they have Les Mills classes.” Tammy admits that she had never seen the inside of a health club before. “No, I had never stepped foot inside of a health club before Gold’s,” she said. “It was very new to me.” Overwhelmed and intimidated was how Tammy remembered feeling upon first crossing Gold’s Gym of North Augusta’s threshold. Then she met facility’s staff. “The instructors are encouraging and motivated,” she said. “They are real people, they are moms, they knew what I was going through. They kept me accountable and would call me at home if I wasn’t there and say, ‘Hey, we missed
your face,’ or would send me Facebook messages. The staff here has always been extra-friendly.” That accountability was just what Tammy needed to lose 76 pounds and get her body fat down to 16 percent. She’s maintained her weight loss for more than a year, and has joined the staff at Gold’s Gym as an instructor of RPM, the Les Mills group cycling class. “I was here so much they decided I might as well work here,” she laughed. Since the many health changes she’s made in her life, Tammy says she’s seen her energy skyrocket — a good thing since her children range in age from 9 to 2 ½. “I’m up at 5 a.m. and don’t go to bed until 10 p.m. and all day long I’m running around with my kids and I feel great,” she said. “They’re my motivation to work out. You’re never going to be any good to anybody until you’re good to yourself.” She also wants her children to grow up with healthier eating and exercise habits, something Tammy said she was never taught growing up. “Now, there are pictures of me riding bikes and playing and being healthy,” she said. “That’s what I want my kids to remember me by.” And for all the other women out there who think their schedules are jam packed
enough as it is, Tammy doesn’t let them off the hook. “There are a million excuses, but there’s not one good reason to not spend 30 minutes doing this for yourself,” she said. “The body you want is inside this gym; you just have to want it bad enough.”
Brad Martin began working for Gold’s Gym while he was studying exercise science and business at the University of South Carolina-Aiken. That was in 1998, and he been with the health club ever since. “I played sports in high school, so this was definitely the route I wanted to take — something in the fitness realm,” Brad said. After college, Brad said he worked at the Gold’s Gym in Spartanburg, S.C., before returning to the Aiken location and, finally, landing at the North Augusta health club three years ago as manager. Under his leadership, the location has gone through some renovations. The most notable is probably in the group fitness room, which just received a new floor. “Before, we had a low carpet in there and it was a little bit difficult ot do the dance classes in,” he said. “This one is definitely better. Like the people who take our Zumba classes, they can move around much more freely and easily now.” The new laminate floor, he explained, has some cushioning, which helps keep impact to a minimum. Renovations aren’t the only changes that Brad says clients can expect at the North Augusta Gold’s Gym. While the health club has a variety of fitness classes — most notably Zumba and Les Mills offerings such as Body Pump, RPM, Body Flow and Body Combat — they recently introduced something a little bit different. “We have a class called CX30, a personal training style class that strengthens and trains all the muscle groups from your core,” he said. “It’s a very, very good class.” Amenities abound at the location Brad helms, including childcare from 8-11:30 a.m. and 4-8 p.m., cardio cinema, extended weekday hours, saunas for both women and men, and the juice and supplement bar located inside. Everything, Brad said, comes together for one common goal: To help the club’s clients achieve something positive. And that’s something he loves being a part of. “Seeing people who have never worked out before, never got results before, coming in and seeing their whole self-esteem and lifestyle change,” Brad said when asked about the part of his job he enjoys the most. “In just a matter of weeks you see a difference and a change in them.”
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Pictured, from left to right, are Gold’s Gym employee Willy Curry, Manager Mitch Hearne, member Luanne Greer and trainer Kathy Rowland.
Those new to Gold’s Gym in Aiken may have a difficult time locating it, but once they step inside they’ll find themselves in one of the largest privately owned health clubs in the CSRA, if not the southeast. This Gold’s Gym location, managed by Mitch Hearne, is right off Whiskey Road, behind the Shops at Whiskey and next door to South Aiken High School. It has, for 11 years running, been voted best health club in Aiken County by the readers of the Aiken Standard. It’s no wonder. The club features more than 50 group exercises classes a week, a private women’s only area, cardio cinema, steam room with sauna, more than 100 pieces of cardio equipment, personal training and a childcare facility that would look more at home at an amusement park. “It’s not just a room with coloring books and toys,” Hearne said. “There’s a kids movie room, an arcade center, a play gym that looks like a McDonald’s play gym and a homework center.” The club also has a junior Olympicsized pool with a retractable roof where they will, in the next few weeks, debut a new class. “Water Zumba is coming,” Hearne announced. “It will be part of our water aerobics and aquatics program.” Aiken Gold’s Gym members love group exercise classes, whether they be in the water or on land. The Les Mills series of classes — Body Pump, RPM, Body Flow, Body Step and Body Combat — are popular and Hearne said that the location is preparing for a new launch of these classes. “These classes are choreographed and the new launch, which happens every quarter, features new music and some new exercises,” he explained. Hearne, who has been working for Gold’s Gym for almost seven years now, says his favorite part of the job is the environment, as well as the fact that he and his employees are helping others. “It’s a fun environment, not like a desk job or being in a cubicle all day long,” he said. “We see over a thousand workouts a day, so you see a lot of different people a day. And it’s exciting to see someone step into the health club and, next thing you know, they’re a totally different person.”
5 Energy-Boosting Snacks to Keep You Going All Afternoon If you experience a post-lunch lull, adding a healthy snack to your daily routine may help you focus on your work — and prevent overeating at dinner. Here are five healthy snacks that will help get your energy up without adding inches to your waist.
1/2 cup sliced banana (or a small apple) with 1 tablespoon peanut butter
Physical Fitness Review
Eat this because: Midday snacks should contain about 100 calories or 15 grams of carbohydrates. The natural sweetness in fruit takes longer to metabolize than the processed sugars you’ll find in candy. And the protein in peanut butter provides a long-lasting form of energy.
4 whole-grain crackers spread with 1 tablespoon hummus Eat this because: Complex carbohydrates such as whole grains and beans are some of the best energy boosters out there, and can fill you up without making you sluggish. Hummus, a spread made from garbanzo beans, contributes fiber and a little olive oil, both of which help satiate hunger pangs.
1/4 cup dried fruits and nuts
Across 2. any activity that improves or maintains physical fitness 4. a _________ caliper is a tool that measures the thickness of a fold of skin 6. _________ heart rate zone is 60 to 85 percent of your maximum heart rate
Down 1. _________ injury: an injury that happens suddenly 3. how hard you work out 4. the amount of force muscles produce 5. how often you work out
8. discomfort that happens a day or two after hard exercise
7. the ability to move a joint through a wide range of motion
Eat this because: Thanks to their mix of good fat and protein, nuts are a slow-burning food that provide sustained energy. Dried fruit provides a touch of sweetness, but with the added benefits of fiber. Just a small handful is best, though: Too many carbs can cause low blood sugar, resulting in mid-afternoon sleepiness.
6 ounces of plain nonfat yogurt mixed with 1 tablespoon granola Eat this because: Granola’s mix of grains, nuts and dried fruit is the perfect crunchy complement to creamy, protein-packed yogurt. If you like your yogurt a little sweeter, stir in a dab of honey and sliced fresh berries.
12. how long you work out 13. how many times your heart beats per minute 14. the ability of your heart and lungs or muscles to work for long periods of time
9. __________ injury: an injury that happens of a period of time 10. chemicals your brain makes when your exercise for a long period of time 11. uses height and weight to estimate body composition
Puzzle #784924. To view the solution or reprint this puzzle, please visit: http://www.classhelper.org/puzzle-solutions/
A whole-grain, high-protein bar Eat this because: Pre-packaged cereal bars aren’t just for breakfast, and they’re the perfect snack at work or on the go. Choose bars with at least five grams of fiber and protein, but with less than 15 grams of sugar. Watch out for meal-replacement bars that are overloaded with calories — though you can always cut them into halves or quarters to create 100-calorie portions.
Herbert Institute of Art Summer Camps, for kids ages 5-11, is going on now. The camps, held at either the GHIA location downtown or at The Quest Church on Washington Road in Martinez, are held in one-week sessions. Afternoon camps at the GHIA’s downtown location, are offered the weeks of July 11 and July 18. Camps are $60 per week for members and $75 for non-members. Call 706-7225495 or visit ghia.org. Family Y Day Camps, at all area branches, run weekly throughout the summer. For ages 5-17, pre-registration is required for all camps, and a deposit of $15 per child per week is charged upon initial enrollment in a camp program. Register at any Family Y location or online at thefamilyy.org. Summer Art Camps at the Aiken Center for the Arts, for those ages 4 and up, will be conducted weekly through July 25 and feature a different theme each week. Half-day and full-day programs available. $117-$193.50 for members and $130-$215 for non-members. Preregistration is going on now. Call 803-6419094 or visit aikencenterforthearts.org. The Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club Junior Academy, for boys and girls ages 5-8, meets each Thursday at 5:30 p.m. at
the Augusta Soccer Park. Call 706-8540149 or visit augustasoccer.com. Toddler Time, free play for children ages 5 and under, is each Monday and Wednesday from 9:3011:30 a.m. at the H.O. Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Ceramics Class, for ages 14 and up, meets Mondays at 9 a.m. or 6 p.m., Tuesdays at 6 p.m. and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. in the Weeks Ceramics Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Wacky Wednesday Story Time is each Wednesday at 10 a.m. in the children’s department of Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall. Call 706-7370012 or visit bn.com.
Mondays and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at 11:15 a.m., while Silversneakers Yogastretch is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 11:15 a.m. at the Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Ceramics Class is offered at 9 a.m. on Mondays or Wednesdays and 6 p.m. on Mondays or Tuesdays at the Weeks Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Fit 4 Ever is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 10-11 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.
Homeschool Playgroup meets each Thursday at 10:30 a.m. at Creighton Park in North Augusta. Call 803-613-0484.
Yoga I and II is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 8:45-9:45 a.m. and on Mondays and Wednesdays from 5:30-6:30 p.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.
Line Dancing is each Tuesday at the Weeks Center in Aiken at 10 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Silversneakers I is offered
Augusta Genealogical Society meets every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday at 9 a.m. and Sundays from 2-5 p.m. at the society’s Adamson Library, 1109 Broad St. Free. Call 706-722-4073.
Georgia-Carolina Toastmasters Meeting, for those who want to brush up on their public speaking skills, is every Wednesday at noon at the Cotton Patch downtown. Free. Call 803-593-6605. French Club meets each Thursday at 7 p.m. at Borders. Free. Call 706-737-6962.
Friday Jazz with artist Julie Dexter is Friday, July 15, from 5-10 p.m. at the High Museum of Art in Atlanta. Call 404-733-4437 or visit high.org. Thursday Nights at the High Museum of Art in Atlanta features half-price tickets each Thursday from 4-8 p.m. A guided tour of permanent collection highlights is offered at 6:30 p.m. Call 404-733-4444 or visit high.org. Modern By Design by MoMA shows through August at the High Museum of Art Atlanta. Call 404-7334437 or visit high.org. If you would like to see your organization’s events listed in our calendar, please email Amy Christian at firstname.lastname@example.org. The deadline for each Thursday’s issue is the previous Friday at noon.
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When you see someone out there that gets it, it’s really fun to watch. It’s even more fun when that organization is in your own backyard. This week, I had the opportunity to see something fun. What I’m talking about is the new Comcast Xfinity Spectrum set-top box. Comcast has chosen Augusta as one of the few select areas to market this product. That is fortunate for us, because, in my opinion, this product really demonstrates that Comcast understands cloud computing. And it shows that they are not waiting around for someone else to define the market. Ever since there has been television, all traditional content providers (overthe-air broadcasts, cable, satellite, etc.) follow the same model of pre-defined broadcasts over individual channels, and viewers schedule appointments with their TVs to watch their favorite shows. VCRs and DVRs create some flexibility in viewing, but the content delivery paradigm remains the same. The disruptive nature of the internet is changing all that. Cloud services allow content providers to distribute media on demand, giving the audience more flexibility in content selection and schedule. The transformation of the music industry brought about by iTunes is largely complete, although Amazon, Google and Apple are currently engaged in a battle over cloud storage of music. The transformation of the video market is just beginning. Netflix took the early lead in this space, but other providers are beginning to fight back. With this product, Comcast is taking the next step by moving its content to the cloud. The stations themselves are delivered via their conventional infrastructure, but everything else you see through the Spectrum box has moved to the cloud. The conventional channel guide still exists, but it’s much cleaner and provides a quick search feature allowing you to search by channel name or program name. Alternatively, you can browse content
using an interface that mirrors current web-based services. More options related to the content are available. Selecting a show retrieves information from IMDB-like database of cast and crew with links to other programs by the same individuals. A “More Like This” feature provides references to similar shows. Viewers can specify favorites and receive recommendations for personalized content. The cloud nature of the box facilitates the integration of a number of web applications. Weather information is provided through The Weather Channel app, and Pandora provides streaming music. Traffic information is provided and, if a traffic alert is given, the live feed from the local traffic camera is displayed. And, of course, Facebook is also integrated. Some capabilities related to Facebook will be coming out soon, including a Friends Trend feature which allows viewers to track which programs their friends “like.” And finally for all you uber-surfers, the Previous Channel button brings up a viewing history, allowing you to quickly and easily flick between more than two shows. (Yes!) As mentioned before, the content itself is still transmitted conventionally, and the DVR still uses an on-board hard drive. Comcast’s transformation to a cloud-based content provider won’t be complete until all content is moved to the cloud, but they seem to be headed in the right direction. It’s refreshing to see an established company embrace a disruptive technology like cloud computing to transform its service offerings. The easy road would have been to lobby for protectionist barriers and maintain the status quo. But where is the fun in that? To view the Spectrum demo, see the YouTube video by Googling “Brian Roberts Next Generation Video.” Until next time, follow me on Twitter at @gregory_a_baker.
Gregory A. Baker, Ph.D., was raised in Columbia County and is vice president and chief rocket scientist for CMA, which provides information technology services to businesses and nonprofits. V. 22 | NO. 47
“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” tops the box office again this past weekend. Enjoy it until Friday, boys. Harry Potter is hot on your tail. RANK TITLE
WEEKEND GROSS TOTAL GROSS
“Horrible Bosses” Sam Eifling Black comedy could have gone a little further… but it’s still funny In its wildest dreams, “Horrible Bosses” would have captured a bit more of the “Office Space” spirit also exhibited by decent poetry and memorable stand-up comedy, a sense that someone is articulating a widespread but mostly unacknowledged sentiment, and that we can now describe, as a group, ideas that we’d all been cooking up separately. Of course, “Office Space” tanked in theaters and Mike Judge had to wait until the magic of DVD for it to achieve, slowly, true cult status. By contrast “Horrible Bosses” is unlikely to suffer quite so much at the front end nor bloom so strongly. It’s a solid wad of chuckles now, with just enough to endear it that you might watch it one day when it comes on cable, if there’s nothing else on. Far from exhibiting the weasel-sleaze of a Lumbergh, the titular antagonists of “Horrible Bosses” are caricatures of stereotypical Bosses From Hell: Kevin Spacey (spitefully lording over Jason Bateman’s Nick) as the Corporate Slimeball; Colin Farrell (scornfully, over Jason Sudeikis’ Kurt) as the
Family Company Brat; and, lo, Jennifer Aniston (lasciviously, over Charlie Day’s Kenny) as the Domineering Letch. Between those six, and an appearance by Jamie Foxx as a slick hoodlum with an unprintable name, the cast surpasses the middling source material. Even when you don’t care what’s going to happen, the players are beguiling. Bateman in particular makes comedy look effortless, and Aniston, far from her “37 piece of flare” days, is a creepy delight as a sex-fiend dentist. She and the other bosses manage to push their respective employees to the breaking point and beyond, such that the men convince themselves that it would be not only convenient but morally righteous to whack their bosses. But how to do it? Nick is a white-collar drone. Kurt is randy as a goat and has all the street smarts of a new puppy. Kenny watches enough “Law & Order” to know not to leave any fluids at a crime scene but is also a twerp. They aren’t bumbling idiots so much as they are reasonable fellows hopelessly out of their depth. It’s no small feat that even while undertaking
highly unlikely acts, the three leads all seem fairly plausible, and director Seth Gordon (“Freakonomics”) mostly skips right along, bothering with nothing that ain’t at least worth a giggle. If it’s brisk, the film also misses a chance to plumb more deeply into what makes work such a great environment for inspiring homicidal thoughts. One conceit the story makes clear is that these guys are trapped in their stations because the job market is such a sinkhole that none of them could plausibly quit and be able to put beer on the table. Part of what makes Kurt’s plight so acute is that he actually enjoyed his life working under his previous boss. When the cokehead replacement starts demanding that people get fired just for his own jollies, you start doing the math in your head. How many livelihoods is a life worth? If you start melting people’s working lives, how long can you go unpunished? When one of the guys’ friends, a former Lehman Brothers employee, says he could just kill those Lehman Brothers, you squirm a little and wonder how many others have made a similar declaration, not in jest.
MOVIE REVIEW V. 22 | NO. 47
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Opening Friday, July 15
THE8ERS Going to the movies this weekend? Here’s what’s playing.
Family “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2,” rated PG-13, starring Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Ralph Fiennes, Alan Rickman, Helena Bonham Carter. Expect much wailing and gnashing of teeth during this finale of the seven-book series. Who lives and who dies? It’s enough to make you want to hit the bottle, right Daniel? “Winnie the Pooh,” rated G, starring Craig Ferguson, John Cleese. Who’s the only one crazy enough to go up against Harry Potter? Winnie the Pooh, of course. From the looks of the trailer, and the choice of Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know” as accompaniment, you might want to bring tissues to this one as well.
The Big Mo thebigmo.com July 15-16 Main Field: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (PG-13) and Horrible Bosses (R); Screen 2: Cars 2 (G) and Zookeeper (PG) Screen 3: Transformers: Dark of the Moon (PG-13) and Bad Teacher (R). Gates open at 7 p.m.; shows begin at 8:30 p.m. (approximately)
Zookeeper (PG) 10:05, 12:40, 3:10, 4:15, 7:30, 10:10, 10:40, 12:45; Larry Crowne (PG-13) 12:20, 2:45, 5:10, 7:40, 10:05, 1; Transformers: Dark of the Moon (PG-13) 11:05, 11:35, 12:05, 12:35, 2:35, 3:05, 3:35, 4:05, 6:30, 7:05, 7:35, 8:05, 9:55, 10:30, 11, 11:30, 1:20; Bad Teacher (R) 11:45, 2, 4:25, 7:15, 9:35, 11:50; Cars 2 (G) 10:20, 1, 3:40, 7:15, 10, 12:40; Green Lantern (PG-13) 10:55; Super 8 (PG-13) 9:05, 11:40; The Hangover Part II (R) 11:15, 1:45, 7:30, 1:20; Bridesmaids (R) Noon, 4:10, 7:05, 10:20, 1:15
Masters 7 Cinemas georgiatheatrecompany.com July 15-16 X-Men: First Class (PG-13) 1, 4, 7, 9:55; Priest (PG-13) 10; Jumping the Broom (PG-13) 1:45, 4:30, 7:15, 9:50; Thor (PG-13) 1:15, 4:15, 6:45, 9:30; Fast Five (PG-13) 12:45, 3:45, 6:30, 9:35; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) 1:30, 4, 6:45, 9:45; Rio the Movie (G) 2, 5, 7:30; Soul Surfer (PG) 1:15, 4:45, 7:15; The Lincoln Lawyer (R) 9:40
Evans Cinemas georgiatheatrecompany.com July 15-16 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (PG-13) 11, 11:30, noon, 12:30, 1, 1:30, 2, 2:30, 3, 3:30, 4, 4:30, 5, 5:30, 6:30, 7, 7:30, 8, 8:30, 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30; Winnie the Pooh (G) 11:05, 12:50, 2:40, 5:30, 7:15; Horrible Bosses (R) 11:20, 1:50, 4:10, 6:50, 9:15; Zookeeper (PG) 11:35, 12:20, 2:10, 2:50, 4:40, 5:20, 7:10, 9:40; Larry Crowne (PG-13) 11:15, 1:40, 4:15, 6:45; Monte Carlo (PG) 7:50, 10:15; Transformers: Dark of the Moon (PG-13) 11:45, 1:10, 4:20, 6:40, 7:45, 9:45; Bad Teacher (R) 3, 5:10, 7:35, 10:05; Cars 2 (G) 11:45, 2:20, 4:50, 7:20, 9:55; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13) 9:55
Regal Exchange 20 regmovies.com
D N E M M O C E R E W “Real Genius” (1985) Being at the top of the class is an achievement battled between scholars; but who is to say when it’s time to have fun? This movie personifies what it means to work hard and play harder, an eye for an eye, and smart guys do get laid. — MS
July 15-16 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (PG-13) 9:45, 10:10, 10:30, 11, 11:30, 11:55, 12:15, 12:50, 1:15, 1:35, 1:55, 2:30, 3, 3:20, 3:55, 4:20, 4:40, 5:05, 5:30, 6:05, 6:25, 7, 7:25, 7:45, 8:10, 8:40, 9:10, 9:30, 10:05, 10:30, 10:50, 11:35, 12:15, 12:35, 1:10, 1:35; Horrible Bosses (R) 10:45, 11:45, 1:10, 2:10, 3:45, 4:45, 7:20, 7:50, 9:45, 10:15, 12:10, 12:50;
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METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 37
the download Matt Stone
Matt Stone can be heard weekdays from 3-7 p.m. on 95 Rock Raw.
Improv on Your iPod
Scott Aukerman Improvisation is defined as the practice of acting, singing, talking and reacting, of making and creating, in the moment and in response to the stimulus of one’s immediate environment and inner feelings. You get all that? Well I couldn’t of put it better myself in describing each week’s episode of Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast. Comedy Bang Bang is hosted by comedian Scott Aukerman,
best known from the HBO series “Mr. Show” and the co-creator of the Funny or Die web series hit Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis. If you lived in Los Angeles, you would know Aukerman. He’s one of the most well-respected comedians out today for a number of reasons. He performs Comedy Bang Bang live each week at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater in Los Angeles,
records his own podcast weekly and is the creator of the podcast network Earwolf, which hosts 11 podcasts. With the likes of Kevin Smith and Adam Carolla, Aukerman is setting up Earwolf to be one of the most popular and, more importantly, profitable podcast networks. Being considered a comedian’s comedian, Aukerman can pull in A-list guests, including Andy Samberg, Patton Oswalt, Paul Reubens (yeah, Pee Wee!), Sarah Silverman and Jon Hamm, just to drop a few names. The celebrity guests are great, sure, but what sets Comedy Bang Bang apart from the rest is the comedians don’t sit down with Auckerman and just chit-chat, they go in as characters. Some of my personal favorites come from Paul F. Tompkins and Nick Kroll. This is where improv is crucial to the show. The guest is set up to riff back
and forth with the comedian who is playing the most insane character. Auckerman plays the best as the middleman, driving the podcast in some kind of direction. A good example of one of the characters on the show: comedian Andy Daly will come on the show as the character BillCosby Bukowski. It’s as if comedian Bill Cosby is mixed with author Charles Bukowski. Pretty much it’s Daly doing poems about “The Cosby Show.” I told you it was insane. You can see Daly do the character on funnyordie.com. To get your fill of Comedy Bang Bang, check out earwolf.com and get to downloading. The episode with Weird Al Yankovic and Paul F. Tompkins, portraying Dame Sir Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, is one of my latest favorites. Yes, it’s ridiculous, but it’s hilarious.
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38 METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11
1-877-81-BIKER V. 22 | NO. 47
By Pete Muller / Edited By Will Shortz
V. 22 | NO. 47
When this puzzle is done, the circles will contain five different letters of the alphabet. Connect each set of circles containing the same letter, without crossing your line, to make a simple closed shape. The resulting five closed shapes together will form a picture of a 117-Across. The five letters can be arranged to name a good place to get a 117-Across. 1
D R E A M O F
L O W N O T E
H E L I C A L
O N E N A M E
S T O P S I T
N A M I B
O R A M A
G R I P S
A N G A M E O M Y O R K M S G E O F E N E R S S T E O F C R U N T I E D L O S G E N T O E L A Y F T P A J A D E E S S D A N C T G I R E T A S I V E T D E N S E N D S S I S T
D J U S O O S H I N U E A L A L L B L I L Y L A Y E R T Y C O K A T T A K E E Z E S M A S P N I E I V K N I H A K E E R I P R E M T A S I A S T R
T T U S T A T A E S T C A I R E R I B W B O I E N H T A S I P C E P O R Y T S S J O O A R T N G O S
K O N R A D
O I L P A L M
P E T E R
D R O N E
O R O N O
G A N E F
S N A R F
E L Y B S O E W R S O P C O C I U L P I A E L D E
M O O N
B R O A D W A A X S A T T R E K A L S M O N N
E N S N A R E
R A T T L E S
S I L V E R Y
C O A X E S
DOWN 1 Fellas in “Goodfellas,” e.g.
2 Barely manages 3 Bad thing to be in 4 Container for a 117-Across 5 Cortisol-secreting gland 6 Family member, in dialect 7 Construction crane attachment 8 It’s crunched 9 Baby baby? 10 Besmirch 11 Like many a 117-Across 12 Private eye Peter of old TV 13 “___ Man” (1992 movie) 14 Obscure things 15 Neophytes 16 Manchester United rival 18 Bristle 20 Wild ones may be sown 26 Lived and breathed 28 Pizazz 29 Gobble up 31 Meas. of screen resolution 33 Valuable iron ore 37 Possible response to “You’ve got spinach between your teeth” 38 Fails 39 Excessively orderly, informally 41 Jewish deli order 43 State straddling two time zones: Abbr. 45 Thailand, once 47 West Coast evergreens 50 Like mountains and computer images 52 Burned things 54 Caustic cleaners 55 ___ corn 56 Twisty tree feature 57 “Beau ___” 58 ___ sponte (of its own accord) 60 Pots and pans for baking 61 Spanish wine 62 It may be burnt 63 Hurdles for high-school jrs. 66 Main lines 70 Six: Prefix 72 Mountain sighting, maybe 74 Mountain 77 Breathing aids 79 Movie villain who sought to disrupt a space launch 81 Union opponent 84 Utensil for a 117-Across 85 Field unit 87 Quantity of a key ingredient in a 117-Across 90 Scoreless score 92 Inside look? 93 The primary instruction 94 Bit of gymwear 97 Winnemucca resident, e.g. 99 Low-rent district 100 Artist whose name is an anagram of “artisan” 101 Director Lee 103 Offer, as a hand 105 French teacher 106 It may come after a typo 108 ___ Pérignon 111 Need nursing, say 112 Rents out 114 Cos. that offer access 116 Old U.S.P.S. routing codes 118 Manitoba tribe 119 Pull (in) 120 “And Winter Came …” artist 122 Is for two or more? 125 Shade of blue
ACROSS 1 Essence 5 Start of a nursery rhyme 9 “I won’t bore you with the rest” 12 Actress Davis 17 They’re often deep-fried 19 1964 title role for Tony Randall 21 ___-jongg 22 Indy 500 legend 23 1950s NBC icon 24 Spanish for “rope” 25 Some versions of a 117-Across 27 Ingredient in a 117-Across 30 “How is this possible?” 31 Repeat 32 Green lights 34 “___, danke” 35 Reversal of sorts 36 “Top Chef” host Lakshmi 40 Trouble’s partner, in Shakespeare 41 Kimchi-loving land 42 “___ honor” 44 Some cuts 46 “___ straight!” 48 DKNY competitor 49 1960s campus grp. 51 “In case you weren’t listening ...” 53 Amazon’s business, e.g. 55 Whence spiderlings emerge 59 Ingredient in a 117-Across 64 Suffix with meth65 Island visited by Captain Cook in 1778 67 Year Columbus died 68 French kings’ coronation city 69 Imprudent 71 David of television 73 Brawl 75 Thin Japanese noodle 76 Salsa seller 78 Ready, with “up” 80 Broadway lights 82 Word with black or stream 83 Utensil for a 117-Across 86 Sugary drinks 88 ___ nothing 89 Like the buildings at Machu Picchu 91 Watched 92 ___ Fields 95 Filmmaker Riefenstahl 96 Senator Hatch 98 ___ nova (1960s dance) 102 Characters in “The Hobbit” 104 “Web ___” (ESPN segment showing great fielding plays) 107 Sniggled 109 A stake, metaphorically 110 Holly genus 111 Attack fervently 113 Doing some cartoon work 115 Cruise, say 117 Something delicious to drink 121 Version of a 117-Across 123 What a graph may show 124 Baltimore and Philadelphia 126 Come to ___ 127 “Catch-22” bomber pilot 128 “Later, alligator!” 129 Versatile utensil 130 Whizzes at quizzes? 131 Name connector 132 Pizazz 133 Influence
METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 39
free will Rob Brezsny
a s t r o l o g y
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
firstname.lastname@example.org CANCER (June 21-July 22)
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The great-grandson of a slave, Cancerian Thurgood Marshall was America’s first African-American Supreme Court Justice. According to Marshall, his unruly behavior as a school kid played a role in launching him toward his vocation. As punishment for his bad behavior, his teacher exiled him to study the U.S. Constitution. In your immediate future, mischief could lead to opportunity.
“He got a big ego, such a huge ego,” sings Beyonce. “It’s too big, it’s too wide / It’s too strong, it won’t fit / It’s too much, it’s too tough / He talk like this ‘cause he can back it up.” This is one of those rare times when the cosmic powers-that-be are giving you clearance to display your beautiful, glorious self in its full radiance. Extra bragging is most definitely allowed, especially if it’s done with humor and wit.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Do you mind if I call you “The Original Liontamer”? It really fits you right now. You have the power to control the wild, ferocious forces of the unconscious. Here’s a tip to help you soothe the savage rhythms with maximum aplomb: Mix a dash of harmonious trickery in with your charismatic bravado.
“Dear Rob Brezsny: Please, sir, if you could do me a cost-free favor and tell me something special about my upcoming future. My age is 34 and I am sharply eager to know in detail about my next five years at least. Kindly be very specific, no cloudy generalizations. — Fayyaz Umair Aziz, First-Degree Scorpio.” Dear Fayyaz: I’m happy to inform you that you have the power to carve out the destiny you prefer. And it so happens that the next four weeks will be prime time for you to formulate a clear master plan.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You have maybe 10 more days to locate the healthiest possible gamble for the second half of 2011, a smart risk that will shed at least 10 percent of your narcissism and 15 percent of your pessimism. Trust your gut as much as your brain. It will be important to have them both fully engaged.
were riding. The man said no. Steiner replied, ‘Then you just missed a spiritual experience.’” This is a good tip for the coming weeks. Dramatically expedite and intensify your education about spiritual matters by noticing the beauty and holiness in the most mundane things.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Teacher Rudolf Steiner “once had a devotee who complained that after years of meditating and studying he had not yet had a spiritual experience. Steiner asked him if he’d noticed the face of the conductor on the train on which they
I’ve got two bits of information for you late bloomers out there. First: While some oak trees begin growing acorns after two decades, many don’t produce a single acorn until they’re 40 or even 50 years old. Second, from poet Robert Bly: “I know a lot of men who are healthier at age 50 than they’ve ever been before, because a lot of their fear is gone.” Keep the faith and continue your persistent efforts. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Russia has more psychic healers than medical doctors, says the World Health Organization. I feel most comfortable when there are equal amounts of officially sanctioned practitioners and supernaturally inspired mavericks. I want as many unorthodox rebels who mess with the proven formulas as serious professionals who are highly skilled at playing by the rules. I recommend a similar approach in the coming week. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
“The most frequently leveled criticism of Jimmy Fallon is that he laughs too much,” read New York magazine. “He laughs before jokes, after jokes, during jokes.” He is “TV’s most inveterate cracker-upper.” Cynics say he’s suffering from a profound character defect. But there is another possibility, says New York: “Fallon laughs so much because he’s just having a really good time.” You’re
Chandler’s Mystique Creations
primed to have a Fallon-like week. People addicted to their gloom and doom might try to shame you; don’t you dare let them inhibit your rightful relief and release. ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You have permission from the universe to dwell less on what needs to be resisted, protested, flushed out and overcome. Instead you have license to concentrate on what deserves to be fostered, encouraged, bolstered and invited in. It may not be as easy to accomplish as it sounds. There are many influences around you that are tempting you to draw your energy from knee-jerk oppositionalism and cynical naysaying. Figure out how to rebel in a spirit of joy and celebration. TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
“Dreams are today’s answers to tomorrow’s questions,” said the seer Edgar Cayce. Not just in dreams, but in your waking life as well, you will be experiencing insights, hearing stories and getting messages that provide useful information for the crucial questions you have not yet framed, let alone posed. I hope to expedite your work on formulating those pertinent questions. GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
“The most important thing in acting is honesty,” said George Burns. “If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” The same thing is true about life itself in the coming weeks. The more you dispense the raw truth, the more successful you’ll be. Being a fount of radical authenticity might feel like a performance at first, but it’ll eventually get easier.
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V. 22 | NO. 47
Styling for a Cause
Lead singer of Stylistics performs in benefit for RHEMA Connections
Augusta smooth jazz fans are anticipating a meet and greet/listening party featuring the irresistibly smooth sixstring and vocal tones of Eban Brown. On Friday, July 15, Eban (pronounced E-bann) will bring his joyful musical stylings to the Julian Smith Bar-B-Q Pit near Lake Olmstead and Augusta GreenJackets baseball park. The event is a fundraiser to support Augusta-based RHEMA Connections, Inc., a nonprofit agency that supports less fortunate persons in the CSRA including those suffering from the HIV/ AIDS virus. Pamela Baker is CEO of RHEMA Connections and anticipates a wonderful night of great music — all for a great cause. All proceeds from the concert will assist her organization, she said. “We’re so happy that Mr. Brown has decided to help us,” Baker said. “He realizes the plight that many people are going through, including the poor economic conditions that affect people in Augusta and throughout the U.S.” She helped found the organization
in 2002, with the support of original CEO, the Rev. Dr. Gregory M. Fuller of Macedonia Baptist Church in Augusta. “It’s been our vision to be the difference in our community. Our acronym RHEMA stands for Reaching, Healing, Emancipating, Mentoring and Answering the call,” added Baker.
The all-volunteer agency is supported by a 10-member board of directors. All proceeds from the concert will be used to support the organization, she said. In the past year, the group has fed 5,000 families, supplied school supplies to 1,700 students and helped more than 150 HIV/AIDS patients, according to
its website. Brown’s performance is considered a coup for the organization and the artist is equally excited to help the cause. From his Newark, N.J., home, the singer/songwriter said he’s prepared to offer an exciting show, while playing his guitar and singing his many original tunes and cover songs including cuts like “Going Out of My Head,” “Walk on By” and “Never Can Say Goodbye.” Brown says he’s most influenced as a guitarist/vocalist by George Benson. “He’s the king of jazz guitar,” he said, adding that he also does a cover of Stevie Wonder’s “Creep.” He admits that he’d enjoy sharing similar stages and genres with his namesake, Norman Brown, who is considered one of today’s premier lions in the smooth jazz arena. Eban Brown has recorded four LPs with Stardom Records label, and said he’s ready to show the world another side of his musicality, showing that he’s more than just a lead singer. continued on page 42
sightings Michael Johnson
Due to a failure to communicate, we did not publish these photos last week. W resemble the error.
Anita Tripp and Nicci Bush with Cindy and Barry Wheeler at French Market Grille.
V. 22 | NO. 47
Jason Juntunen, Gabrielle Gumuse, Raquel Fritts and Charlie Creech Hurt at the GreenJackets game at Lake Olmstead Stadium.
Meredith Stone, Erica Ellison and Kathy Prince at Bar on Broad.
METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 41
For the past 10 years, Brown has performed as a front man/lead singer for Grammy Award-winning quintet The Stylistics. As lead singer for this ’70s classic soul vocal group that was first fronted by Russell Thompkins Jr., Brown says he has enjoyed his working with legends, especially when his
velvety vocals are often compared to his predecessor, Thomkins Jr. “I’ve been singing this way since I was a child,” he said. “Never did I set out to mimic Russell.” Brown started playing guitar and other instruments at six, having been influenced by his musician-father who
played music at St. John United Freewill Baptist Church in Newark. “I cut my teeth performing quartet music,” he said. “We all know it starts in the church.”
Friday, July 15 Doors, 7 p.m.; music, 8 p.m. $15 706-496-1701, 706-414-1937 rhemaconnections.org
Eban Brown Julian Smith Bar-B-Q Pit
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Lynn Gilmore, Alex Gilmore and Cade Hardin at Amazing Art by Gus & Us at the Columbia County Library Cafe.
42 METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11
Oscar Perez, Lili Macias, Paul Lacentra and Ales Macias at the GreenJackets game at Lake Olmstead Stadium.
Philip Kent with Dr. Kathy and Tom Brittingham at French Market Grille.
V. 22 | NO. 47
JENNY is WRIGHT
Jenny Wright lives in Summerville with her husband, who she calls The Man, and two kids, who she affectionately calls The Boy and The Girl. She enjoys taking photos, cooking and playing tennis.
Parents Behaving Badly Being a parent brings out the best in us. We smile more, love more, hug more. We are more tolerant and patient. However, in this episode of Parents Behaving Badly, we’ll examine two instances when we might have been one breastpump away from a brawl. At the pool the other day, a friend’s boy was tossing dive sticks across the pool. He wasn’t aiming for anyone. As a matter of fact, at his age, he couldn’t have aimed and hit his eventual target. Said target was a baby. In a float, sucking a pacifier. Whoops. Sure, he could have paid more attention to the surrounding area or not thrown them at all. It was crowded. However, he made a kid decision, which resulted in an accident. The lifeguard came up to The Big Kid, the tosser of pool toys, asking him to be careful and letting him know that he’d hit someone. TBK’s mom was totally mortified and TBK burst into tears. He was embarrassed, too. TBK’s mom wanted to go, with her child, to apologize. Mom of The Little Baby was in the center of the very large pool, making the approach difficult. Mom of TBK waited a few minutes and finally MoTLB got close enough. As they made their way over, what appeared to be the baby’s older sister yells “HERE THEY COME!” proving that they’d been talking about it. This whole time. I didn’t see any blood and I’m pretty sure the baby was over it. Why wasn’t
his mama? An apology was politely given, though MoTLB still seemed miffed and actually lectured TBK. What else could MoTBK do?
Marcos and Kelly Fernandez with April Campbell and Sean Cavez at Bar on Broad.
V. 22 | NO. 47
Once while playing putt-putt in Martinez, several adults and I had five kids with us, all age 7 and under. We were just about to get started when a
Kelly Gagne, Arieal Washington and Amy Eakin at Somewhere in Augusta.
guy and his teenage offspring breezed past us, saying they’d “just skip ahead so we didn’t hold them up.” In some ways I understood what he meant. We had little ones and he assumed we were going to be slow. As we played, the two oldest boys in our group were finishing first and running ahead to the next hole. They’re little enough that they didn’t understand to wait for the previous putters to finish before teeing off (is that still what you call it for mini golf?). At least twice the Man in a Hurry glared at them as they interrupted his game. Finally, after six or seven times being forced to wait on this guy and his daughters, I said (enter sickly sweet tone and smiley face), “Boys, I know it’s hard to be held up by another player, but we must be patient and wait our turn!” The moment following my comment included a look that only happens between competing parents. He knew he’d been busted. Although I’m pretty sure he went even more slowly for the last three holes, I was satisfied. Was I the one who acted childishly? Maybe, but he started it. So when we do these things, what are we teaching our kids? An apology won’t cut it? Cut in line if you’re in a hurry? I’m not saying we have to go all Kumbaya My Lord, but a little compassion and understanding never hurt anyone. Let’s just try to ride the Peace Train next time.
Emily Olson, Paco Serrane and Kayla Flahtery Seidel at the Pizza Joint in Evans.
METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 43
The Polka Dot Pig Gastropub celebrates its first anniversary
Pizza Malizza is a popular dish at the Polka Dot Pig. The jalapeno slices, pepperoni, andouille sausage, red onions, crushed red pepper and marinara sauce combine to give it a little kick. When the Polka Dot Pig opened in Surrey Center last year, many in the area had never heard of a gastropub. But owner Duane Harris wanted to model his restaurants after the trend that started in England in the early 1990s. “It’s more the style I wanted to present,” explained Harris, former food and beverage director for the Partridge Inn. “Great food, great beer, great wine, an eclectic menu, not too expensive.” Of course, pubs have existed in Great Britain almost since the beginning of time. And though they’ve served food to customers who come in for a pint, it was very basic: fish and chips, sheppard’s pie and bangers and mash. The gastropub movement still includes many of these pub dishes, although the recipes have often been updated and creatively changed. At Polka Dot Pig, for example, Harris’ version of fish and chips features cod battered with Guinness and house cut fries served with remoulade.
44 METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11
Shrimp and Grits is one of the Polka Dot Pig’s signature dishes. It includes shrimp on a bed of Carolina stone ground grits and andouille Cajun cream sauce.
V. 22 | NO. 47
Owner Duane Harris’ Polka Dot Pig Gastropub is a year old this month.
Customers will also find a few fancier items as well. “We have a few higher-end items like our scallops with tomato risotto and our certified Angus beef burgers,” he explained. “More so in a gastropub, everything’s fresh and homemade. Nothing is processed and everything is made from scratch.” Fresh, inventive and fancy don’t equal high prices, however. The most expensive entrée on Polka Dot Pig’s menu is $20 and that’s not even for the Lobster and Parisian Gnocchi. Harris, a sommelier (a trained and certified wine steward), also prides himself on his wine list. “I try to find wines that you may not have been adventurous enough to buy, but you can come in and have a glass and decide whether you like it,” he said. “I have 30 wines at $30 or under a bottle. I like to keep it affordable so people can enjoy themselves.” That hunt for the unusual and the V. 22 | NO. 47
eclectic extends to beers as well; the ones Harris offers sport names like Wild Heaven’s Invocation and Mama’s Little Yella Pils. “We try to bring in different items that you’re not going to see around,” he said. We just try to do some different, smallerbrew beers.” Customer can sample many of these at Polka Dot Pig’s happy hour, which the restaurant offers Tuesday-Friday, from 4-7 p.m. Now is a good time to visit, since the gastropub is celebrating its first anniversary. Though they won’t celebrate it until the fall, when more residents are in town and not vacationing, Harris is already making plans for year two. “I want to grow the business and get into a little more catering,” he said. “Whether it even just be office lunches or medical lunches, I’d like to build more of a lunch crowd.” Still, Harris says he’s happy with what
the restaurant has accomplished in the first year. “When we opened, it was exactly how I expected,” he said. “We were swamped. Busy as busy can be. We had a few bumps in the road, but we’ve worked through all the issues we had and have succeeded in putting out a stellar product.” One of the issues, he said is that new customers sometimes believe the restaurant to be a barbecue joint. “We do some pork — we do have a killer barbecue sandwich with slowroasted pork and a homemade barbecue sauce,” he said. “But it’s not a barbecue place.” Instead it’s a restaurant that Harris and his wife Deanna have put their hearts and souls into. From laying the flooring to painting to upholstering the booths, the Harris family has done most everything. And customers have noticed. “Our business now is steady and
improving,” Harris said. “We’ve been able to create a nice little market for ourselves trying to bring something different to the area.” Polka Dot Pig Gastropub 399 Highland Avenue, Surrey Center 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Tuesday-Thursday, 11 a.m.11 p.m. Friday and Saturday. Bar stays open late. 706-496-2930 polkadotpiggp.com
METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 45
Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-TalkSports 1630 AM. He can be reached at email@example.com.
With last year’s results, off-season news and the rumor mill providing what we have to work with here, as teams are currently in their summer lifting and conditioning programs, we catch a glimpse of two football programs that have been pretty much on mute since they both ended their seasons with losing records: the Clemson Tigers and the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, (both finished 6-7, including losses in their bowl games). To be fair, let’s take a look at some of the good and bad news for each.
Clemson Good: Signing Day happened! Somehow, Head Coach Dabo Swinney took his 19-15 career record, including a 1-2 bowl record, and stole the show on National Signing Day by leading the nation with his signing of four 5-star recruits, as graded by rivals.com. Many times with recruiting, we are excited about certain prospects signing with our teams on signing day only to wake up the next day puzzled as to what we should realistically expect from these “can’t-miss” prospects. Here, I’ll make it easy for you. This is what you should expect with this group: two starters in Sammy Watkins, WR, and Stephone Anthony, LB, another potential freshman starter Tony Steward at linebacker, and finally, Mike Bellamy, a speedster at running back who will contribute on special teams and offensives packages that could potentially get him in the open field. Bad: Like Mark Richt, the rope is getting shorter by the season for Swinney. He has shown he can win with talent like C.J. Spiller, Jacoby Ford, Da’Quan Bowers and Kyle Parker, but can he reload the star cupboard while winning with solid talent? One of Clemson’s best attributes is that they can hold their own against anybody when it comes to recruiting. The worst part is that’s no secret, making the expectations sometimes smothering for whoever is in charge. This added to the fact that the biggest rival two hours away in Columbia is on the up-and-up, and also winners of the past two Palmetto Bowls, composes an ever-stringent “Honey-Do” list for Swinney and Co.
Good: Really the only direction you can go here is with a Paul Johnson reference. One positive thing that Tech will always have going for them as long as Paul Johnson is behind the wheel is uncertainty. And this is a good thing. Sure, there will be games where you will leave scratching your head as to what just happened (Kansas and Air Force-2010), but there will also be games where you’ll leave scratching that same head of yours, except, this time, it’s a good thing (North Carolina and Virginia Tech2009). The triple option offense is built around having a successful regular season, one in which the opponent is strapped for time to install a different defense in one week, and get his entire team on board with playing a different style of game. Bad: Pretty much a reverse of the good here. While the triple option will get you wins in the regular season (including the second best ACC record in the past three years, second only to Virginia Tech), when the topic turns to bowl wins and recruits with intentions of playing on Sundays, the reviews are not quite as glowing. Johnson’s 0-3 bowl record since coming to Georgia Tech from Navy gives light as to how hard it is to win a bowl game while only running the triple option, and not creating distinct packages for bowl opponents. It’s not the offense’s fault entirely; Tech has been outscored 76-24 in the three-straight bowl losses.
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advice goddess Amy Alkon
Coma Sutra I’ve been married for over 20 years, and though my wife and I have a very good relationship, she has a low sex drive and never initiates sex. She used to make snide remarks about my sex drive, but I pointed out my options (no sex, self-service, her or someone else). She knew I wouldn’t cheat, so rather than let this cause a rift, she said she wanted me to come to her for my sexual needs. We now average two to three times a week. A couple times a month, we have mutually mind-blowing sex, but other times, she does it just for me. I never get the feeling she really wants me, and it’s deflating when I sense she’d rather do laundry, watch TV or water the plants. I’ve tried holding back and waiting for her to make the first move, but that seems like a head game to her and makes her feel something’s wrong. Is there a way to get her more interested? — Frustrated You poor darling. After 20-plus years of marriage, you only have sex three times a week. And only a couple times a month is it “mind-blowing.” What’s next on your list of complaints, “There’s a cracked tile in my Aspen ski house”? Or maybe “My Ferrari has a small scratch under the bottom left side of the bumper.” Every month, I get a slew of letters from married people — mostly men — whose spouses haven’t had sex with them in this century. Of course, it’s got to sting a little to feel you’re competing with houseplants for your wife’s attention, but if you look at this another way, you’re writing to complain about how good and healthy your marriage is. There was no dragging your wife off to years of marriage counseling or therapy weekends. You simply explained your needs, and she set about meeting them. Sure, sometimes you get the sense that she’s jumping your bones when she’d rather be getting a jump on the week’s laundry, but if she might not always be in the mood for sex, it seems she’s often in the mood to make you happy. Both men and women are prone to what evolutionary psychologist Donald Symons calls the human tendency “to imagine that other minds are much like
our own.” This causes us to project our sexual psychology onto the opposite sex and expect them to think and act as we would. So, your wife thinks you’re oversexed because you want it more than she does, and you’ve diagnosed her with a “low sex drive.” I suspect that many marriages and relationships that have tanked have done so because of the assumption that male sexual desire and female sexual desire play out the same way. They actually don’t. Sexual medicine specialist Dr. Rosemary Basson discovered this after she wondered about data suggesting that a third of women were pretty uninterested in sex. She began to suspect that the problem wasn’t in the women themselves but in how male sexual response, with its spontaneously occurring lust, was held up as the female sexual norm. This led to couples sitting around waiting for desire to strike the woman. Basson discovered that in the early stages of a relationship, or if a woman is away from her partner for days or weeks, she’s more likely to experience the “spontaneous sexual desire” and “conscious sexual hunger” that men typically do. But, once a woman’s in a relationship, the desire for sex may be there, but it often needs to be physically activated. Basson’s findings suggest that, for many women, initiating sex doesn’t come naturally. So, your “holding back and waiting for her to make the first move” and then getting pouty that she isn’t reading your mind is a particularly bad strategy. Seeing as she made an effort the last time you told her what you needed, there’s a pretty good chance she’d do it again. Just tell her you think it’d be really hot if she’d initiate sometimes. You might also try to appreciate what you have. You two are probably somebody’s parents and you’re still doing it — regularly and even “mindblowingly” — 20 years in. You’ve got a lot to be happy about — even if when the wife’s looking for “The Big O,” she’s probably wondering where she left that magazine that always has that really famous black woman on the cover.
©2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email firstname.lastname@example.org. Also visit advicegoddess.com and read Amy Alkon’s book: “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).
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French Market Grille
Big shell-on shrimp sautéed in butter, beer, garlic, creole seasonings and Worcestershire, served over rice, the Barbequed Shrimp here is super hot! Bistro 491 fancy food with a sense of humor Calvert’s Restaurant old school Continental
Sit and the bar with yer lady and order a shrimp and carmelized onion wood-fired pizza and a bottle of wine.
Club Argos LGBT Crums on Central live jazz on weekends French Market Grille New Orleans in the Garden City Helga’s med student heaven Polka Dot Pig unique atmosphere & unique bar
Pray that their Scotch Egg — a hard-boiled egg covered in sausage, deep-fried and served with sauce — is a special. If not, get your English on with fish and chips.
Sheehan’s Irish Pub the nicest pub ever Surrey Tavern the original neighborhood bar Tako Sushi Asian / Mexican fusion The Vue upscale dance club w/ occasional bands
Pretend it’s October with a tankard of their finest ale and a schnitzel.
Verandah Grill at the Partridge Inn Augusta’s best balcony Coyote’s great live music & DJs Road Runner Cafe in front of Coyote’s Villa Europa German / Italian /International favorites since 1974
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Manuel’s Bread Cafe - locally sourced bistro The Highlander - real Bristish pub
Thursday The rowdiest trivia contest in town. Just hope when you spin the wheel that you don’t end up with ice down your pants.
Augusta Canal - music on the water
Sweet Lou’s Crab Shack - Broad & 13th
Friday Don’t know how to dance? Good thing they offer salsa lessons from 9-10 p.m. … and $1 drinks for ladies until 11 p.m.
Frog Hollow Tavern - upscale restaurant & bar / locally sourced
Tropicabana - salsa. no chips. Pizza Joint - 40 beers on tap and slices Mellow Mushroom - plus full bar Sky City - large music venue Firehouse - proud downtown dive
1102 - block deep restaurant & bar
Metro Coffee House - coffee, beer, liquor, people Soultry Sounds - jazz club Wicked Wasabi - authentic Japanese
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Soy Noodle - Asian sensation Blue Sky Kitchen - new parents New Moon Cafe - ecclectic grindhouse
Frog Hollow Tavern
You don’t have to go to the country to get yourself some peaches: Come here for Titan Farms Peach Carpaccio or peach barbecue sauce on the duck breast.
Bees Knees - small plates Rooster’s Beak - tacqueria w/ great ice cream Soul Bar - pure funk
Blue Sky Kitchen
Yay! Bulgogi and Redneck Stir Fry for dinner once more.
Playground - rock-n-roll
Stillwater Taproom - blugrass before bluegrass was cool Casa Blanca - JB White’s storefront
Nacho Mama’s - rolling ‘em flat
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Wheels - cool & on the corner The Loft - liquor with attitude Bar on Broad - contemporary South Beach vibe Club Rehab - upscale sportsbar Joe’s Underground - live music underneath Broad St. Tipsy McStumbles - confess later
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Wednesday Trivia and Tunes begins at 7 p.m. If you go for their lunch special that day — roast beef, rice and gravy and lima beans
C’mon — be more adventurous and step away from the California Roll.
It’s not chocolate-chicken pot pie, but even Cartman would approve of their Chicken Mole. Especially if it was served with a giant Texas margarita.
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Sector 7G - laundromat turned landmark Eagle’s Nest - best view downtown Blue Horse Bistro - jazz tapas The Sports Center - old school pool hall and burgers Luigi’s - Augusta institution Beamie’s Restuarant & Oyster Bar - taste of the beach downtown The Boll Weevil - great food and the best desserts Cotton Patch - eat, drink, be happy Mi Rancho - chips & salsa on the Savannah 209 Restaurant & Lounge - soul food & lounge La Maison on Telfair - fine dining & tapas Fox’s Lair - coolest bar in America
The Joker Lounge girls dancing nightly Fantasy Showgirls girls dancing nightly Discoteque girls dancing nightly
Wednesday Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy from 95 Rock.
Best hamburger around. And their onion rings ain’t too shabby either.
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Strong drinks. Music videos on the big screen. Just don’t ignore your date. That’s just rude.
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Carolina Ale House
Try the Dry Rub Wings before your big night out and stay clean! Seasoned with a spicy dry rub and baked.
Reputation for a great DJ and a chill crowd. Allie Katz good cheap drinks Cadillacs cozy neighborhood spot Cadwallader’s Cafe Italian flair Carolina Ale House sports themed restuarant / feat. outdoor covered bar Country Club dance hall and saloon
Friday Ladies-only balloon drop Friday at 11 p.m. Thousands in cash and prizes.
French Market Grille West
Cue & Brew great burgers
Paula Deen says, “Y’all git own ova’ thayer.”
Doubletree Hotel popular restuarant French Market Grille West NOLA in the Garden City Hooters hooters Limelite Cafe extensive beer selection Malibu Jacks beach themed restaurant & bar
Rack & Grill true pool hall
Wednesday Matt Acosta and the Special Guests
Coconut Shrimp. Yummmmy.
Rae’s Coastal Cafe worth finding Rhinehart’s backyard seafood Robbie’s Sports Bar true pool hall Shannon’s old lounge / new look Somewhere In Augusta sports bar & grill TakoSushi Asian / Mexican Fusion Wild Wings Cafe live music 7 nights a week
Laura’s Backyard Tavern Laura’s house
Stuffed Portobello Mushroom cap with garlic butter, artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomatoes, spinach and feta, topped with mozzarella.
Tempura-fried shrimp tossed with Bada Bing Bada Bing sauce (TakoSushi Sauce, teriyaki, sweet chili and Sriracha). Firecracker Shrimp indeed.
Pizza Joint Beer Me Tuesday Rhinehart’s backyard seafood The Tavern at the Bean discreet, top shelf Sidetrack Bar & Grill by the railroad tracks Pickles Tako Sushi Asian / Mexican fusion Mellow Mushroom plus full bar
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10 Questions with John Robinson
John Robinson, singer/guitarist for Turf War, returns home this weekend to play a show on Saturday, July 16, with The Shaun Piazza Band and Eat Lightning. I caught up with him to ask him a few questions about the band and his status as a newlywed. Coco Rubio: Congrats on your recent marriage to Leela Hoehn. How does being married change your view about being in a band? John Robinson: I think being in a serious relationship has changed me because I can’t be out every night networking, partying with rock ‘n’ rollers.
I have to be a real person every now and again. CR: Any little Turf War babies in the near future? JR: I don’t see any babies in the future. We have to be able to support ourselves first. CR: Who came up with the name Turf War and what does it all mean? JR: Johnny boy (me) came up with Turf War. It doesn’t mean anything. It just sounds cool. Makes me think of The Outsiders or The Warriors. I kind of want that feel with our band. CR: Do you feel you made the right move by taking the band to Atlanta?
JR: Atlanta was a big step that we had to take in order for people to find out about us. It took us a year. Now we have a following up here. We’ve got a following in Athens now as well. If it wasn’t for the move here we would not have played SXSW or got Ian Saint Pe (Black Lips) to produce our record. Also we would have never met Ian McDonald our third guitar player. He’s awesome. CR: What are some of the main differences between being in a band in Augusta and Atlanta? JR: In Atlanta it’s more challenging and we like the challenge. Through being in Atlanta we got to meet people that we respected musically so that’s really awesome. Plus the Braves are here and the zoo among other things. CR: Tell us a little bit about your debut album... when is it coming out? Where did you record it? JR: The album is coming out this fall on Old Flame Records. They put out the last Dead Confederate and the last Twin Tigers albums. So that’s awesome. And the owner is a really great guy. We recorded it in Atlanta with our guitar player Ian McDonald. We can’t wait to put it out. CR: How did you guys get on Sirius XMU satellite radio? JR: When we played Athfest a few weekends ago the guy who runs
Aquarium Drunkard, which is a very important music blog, saw us and thought we were great but we didn’t have an album. So I hit him up on Twitter. I emailed him a song and he has a show on Sirius XMU every Friday. Don’t let people fool you. Twitter is how our record label found us and how we got in touch with Aquarium Drunkard. Twitter, for some reason, is important CR: What new bands are you listening to right now? JR: I like Kurt Vile, F%cked Up and War On Drugs a lot right now. Brandon is really into Tyler The Creator. Brian is really into Fletcher C Johnson. Brad doesn’t listen to music. Ian is into that new Britney Spears stuff. Also there is a really good young band from Atlanta called Balkans. You guys should check them out. They sound “Strokesesque.” CR: What local Augusta band(s) are your favorites? JR: My favorite local bands in Augusta are, as always, Shaun Piazza, Eat Lightning and The Cubists. Also the Skuds are awesome and so are Mongolord and Nuklear Blast Suntan. See you downtown, Coco
3112 Washington Road (behind Picadilly)
A Neig hborh ood Ba r
$1 $2 $3
DRAFTS JELLO SHOTS
L THE ALL THEAL IMEE TTIM !! 6 DAYS
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Thursday, July 14
LIVE & LOCAL
and ne ver a c over! the line-up. 7.14 Thursday Josh London Band 7.15 Friday Night Rocks with Toyzz 7.16 Saturday Casual Kings 7.17 Sunday Blue Jeans Brunch 11am-3pm David Aldonuken Washington Road just past I-20 • 706-364-WILD (9453) w w w. w i l d w i n g c a f e . c o m 52 METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11
Live Music Coyote’s Miss Willie Brown French Market Grille West Doc Easton Smooth Jazz Joe’s Underground Jeremy Graham Band Malibu Jack’s Wayne Capps Manuel’s Bread Café Bastille Day Celebration w/ Turner Simkins One Hundred Laurens Kenny George Rose Hill Stables Preston & Weston Sky City Five’s a Crowd, Green Thrift Grocery Surrey Tavern Sibling String Wild Wing Josh London Band The Willcox Four Cats in the Doghouse What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s Karaoke Casa Blanca Thursday Tango Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Candy Stripers Cabaret Cocktails Lounge Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Fox’s Lair Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) Karaoke Pizza Joint, Evans DJ Kris Fisher The Playground Open Mic with Brandy Shannon’s Karaoke Somewhere in Augusta Karaoke with Charles Soul Bar Boom Box Villa Europa Karaoke with Just Ben Wooden Barrel ‘80s Night Karaoke
Friday, July 15 Live Music Bell Auditorium CSRA Fellowship Choir Concert Cotton Patch Ray Piazola Country Club Bradley Gaskin Coyote’s Mulch Brothers Doubletree Hotel 3 Sides of Jazz Fox’s Lair Roger Enevoldsen French Market Grille West Doc Easton and Karen Gordon Joe’s Underground Mike & Nate Laura’s Backyard Tavern Live Music Malibu Jack’s South Atlantic One Hundred Laurens John Kolbeck Partridge Inn A Step UP Polo Tavern Robbie Ducey Band Shannon’s Preston & Weston Sky City Eastern Standard Reggae, El*Ra and Freedom Black Stillwater Tap Room Blair Crimmons and the Hookers Surrey Tavern Wrong Way (tribute to Sublime) Wild Wing Toyzz The Willcox Kenny George What’s Tonight?
Cadillac’s DJ Doug Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4 Cocktails Lounge Grown-Up Fridays with DJ Cork and Bull Pub Karaoke with Libby D. and Palmetto Entertainment Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Iron Horse Bar & Grill Karaoke Islands Bar & Lounge Caribbean Night with DJ Spud Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Ryan Moseley Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke with Jeff Barnes Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Three J’s Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke Palmetto Tavern DJ Tim The Place on Broad Rock DJ Rebeck’s Hideaway Open Mic Roadrunner Cafe Karaoke with Steve Chappel Somewhere in Augusta Footloose Dance Party Soul Bar ’90s Night Tropicabana Latin Friday Wooden Barrel Karaoke Contest
Saturday, July 16 Live Music The Acoustic Coffeehouse Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold Blue Horse Bistro Live Music The Cotton Patch Alan Thompson Coyote’s Deepstep Joe’s Underground Camp VIP Benefit w/ Sibling String, Happy Bones, Randall & the Rest of ‘Em, R.P.M., Stone Dogs Malibu Jack’s Pretty Petty P.I. Bar and Grill Live Music Polo Tavern Jim Fisher Band Shannon’s South Atlantic Sky City Turf War, Shaun Piazza Band, Eat Lightning Somewhere in Augusta The Endalls Surrey Tavern Soul Deminsions Wild Wing Casual Kings What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s DJ Doug Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4 Cocktails Lounge Latin Night Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Fox’s Lair Karaoke Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge Reggae Night with Island Vybez The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Rockin Rob Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Karaoke with Danny Haywood Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke One Hundred Laurens DJ Kenny Ray The Playground DJ Fugi V. 22 | NO. 47
Lara Fortune, our outrageous new nightlife columnist, is real, fun and she gets around, which is mandatory if you’re going to be our heels on the ground. Did we mention she’s real?
One Degree of Separation Everybody knows everybody else in this town, so be careful!
One degree. We’re separated by one degree. That seems to be the way this town works. If I don’t know you, then I know 10 people you’ve slept with... and of those, five of those I’ve slept with, too. That’s how things roll in the small, all-American city. Everyone knows everyone’s business... or thinks they do. Reputations are skewed and massacred to the nth degree while people spread rumors hotter and faster than a raging South Georgia forest fire. Guess what, people? Only you can prevent forest fires. This is why I don’t date in this town anymore. If I happen to be ready to roll, I take every necessary precaution to ensure that no one knows about it. I am never seen leaving the bar with he/
she/them. I park a block away from their house. I leave before morning. If anyone asks days later, I play dumb. So remember to always be aware of that one degree of separation... you never know when it will come back to bite you. And because it can come back to bite you, I’m careful about protecting people’s identities when I talk about them… but not so careful you won’t recognize some people. Like Ittey and Bittey, the underage stoner chicks. Think “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”’s Spicoli, only hot. Now think of them with their clothes on. See — they’ve probably served you before, if you like a certain kind of chicken. Or Miss Lopsided and Underage.
Soul Bar DJs Cielo & Dust Tropicabana Salsa Saturday Wooden Barrel Kamikaze Karaoke
Somewhere In Augusta Poker Tournament Wild Wing Trivia and Karaoke
Sunday, July 17
Tuesday, July 19
Live Music Crums on Central Jim Perkins Jessye Norman Amphitheatre Candlelight Jazz w/ A Step Up P.I. Bar and Grill Live Music Wild Wing David Aldonuken
Live Music Blue Horse Bistro Tim Sanders Cocktails Lounge Live Music Fox’s Lair Happy Bones Wild Wing Sabo & Mike The Willcox Hal Shreck
What’s Tonight? Caribbean Soul Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jack’s Karaoke with Denny Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke, Salsa Dancing
What’s Tonight? Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Club Sparx Karaoke with Big Tony Fishbowl Lounge Dart League Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice Malibu Jack’s Karaoke with Denny Somewhere in Augusta Trivia with Charles
Monday, July 18 Live Music Hopelands Gardens Doug and The Henrys Soul Bar Metal Monday What’s Tonight? Applebee’s (Evans) Trivia Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Malibu Jack’s Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Danny Haywood V. 22 | NO. 47
Wednesday, July 20 Live Music 209 on the River Smooth Grooves Cadillac’s Live Band Joe’s Underground Sibling String Malibu Jack’s Marilyn Adcock Manuel’s Bread Cafe The Henrys Shannon’s Preston & Weston Wild Wing Matt Acosta & The Special Guests
The underage part is obvious, but why lopsided? You’d have to ask her plastic surgeon, but bless her heart. What’s not so obvious is that she’s underage, which is surprising since she is out drinking all the time. She enters a ton of bikini contest but never wins. Catch her on one of her many breaks from her socially inept boyfriend and you’ll have quite a good time. From what I hear. And maybe you’ve seen Ms. Divorced with a New Pair. She must have had her kids when she was a teenager because she still is pretty hot, and her children are well into their teenage years themselves. Newly divorced, her first outing was a trip to the boob boutique for a pair of new ones. Although she seemingly has nothing to her name, I run into her all the time. The crazy thing is that she is basically homeless. She lives with whoever she’s dating at the time. If she breaks up, she hops directly to the next guy’s house. Her kids can come along if they want, but they usually just
bounce around friend’s houses, so it really doesn’t matter much. Pretty sad. What about Beer Belly Scene Guy? Have you seen him around? This guy is so annoying. His goal in life is to be at every single thing going on. Wherever you go, there he is. He always has attractive girls hanging out with him because he buys them whatever they need. Gas, drinks, food, whatever. A low rent sugar daddy, he brags about his girls, is always texting them and wanting everyone to believe he’s hooking up with them. But there’s no way. He’s just too much of a pudgy loser. And then there’s the Bus Bartender. If you’re in a band and roll through Augusta, she’s one of the chicks who winds up on the bus with you. Or you wind up at her apartment and get to meet her roommate. Her reputation is dirt, and she’s slept with everyone and even some of their dads. You’ll get a few dads when you’re a bus girl like that. You’re bound to.
The Willcox Hal Shreck
August 13 Casting Crowns USC-Aiken Convocation Center November 25
What’s Tonight? Club Argos Santoni’s Satin Dolls Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Club Sparx Trivia Cocktails Lounge Augusta’s Got Talent The Cotton Patch Trivia and Tunes with Cliff Bennett Laura’s Backyard Tavern Karaoke The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke with Rockin’ Rob The Place on Broad Jazz DJ The Playground Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy Polo Tavern Karaoke with Tom Mitchell Somewhere In Augusta Trivia with Charles; The Comedy Zone w/ Brad Brake and Chris Killian
Elsewhere Corey Smith Johnny Mercer Theatre, Savannah July 14 OAR Family Circle Magazine Stadium, Charleston, S.C. July 16 Elvis Costello North Charleston Performing Arts Center, Charleston, S.C. July 18 Wiz Khalifa Time Warner Cable Uptown Amphitheatre, Charlotte, N.C. July 21 Emmylou Harris Atlanta Botanical Gardens July 22 Bob Dylan, Chastain Park Amphitheatre, Atlanta July 28 Lucinda Williams, Fort Stewart Stadium, Hinesville July 30 311 Aaron’s Amphitheatre at Lakewood, Atlanta July 30
Panic Manor, Mazes & Monsters, Death of Paris Sky City July 21 Dave Desmelik Band Stillwater Tap Room July 22 Jemani, Velvet Jonez Sky City July 22 Gaslight Street Surrey Tavern July 23 Modern Skirts, Oryx & Crake Sky City July 28 Merle Haggard Bell Auditorium August 6 Keith Urban James Brown Arena METRO SPIRIT 7.14.11 53
This War Will Never End Every now and then there will be a headline that seems to portend a serious assault on the clean living, innocent and well-meaning people of the CSRA. Then comes the rest of the story. Last Thanksgiving in Augusta there came word that not one, but two teenaged girls had been struck down in the prime of their promise-filled lives by some horrible, nasty evil that no doubt was supernatural in its malevolence. Was it Jack The Ripper, or perhaps The Boston Strangler reborn? A Son-of-Sam psychopath on rampage, or perhaps a cult of freaks reminiscent of Charles Manson and the orgy of death his followers staged on unsuspecting Los Angeles suburbanites? Nope. It was most likely a drug deal gone bad. The two victims? Suspected drug mules with criminal records driving a pimped-out Cadillac Escalade. While cruising at 2:30 in the morning near the
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corner of Laney Walker Boulevard and Twiggs Street, authorities believe they ran afoul of either their intended customers, own associates or their competitors. I wonder if the film crew from “America’s Most Wanted” was able to get their airfare refunded when they canceled their plans to cover that one? Fast forward to Tuesday morning, as I awoke to the sweet voice of Lynnsey Gardner breaking the news to all us sleepyheads that an Augusta man’s life was hanging in the balance after a kidnapping attempt left his home in a shambles and a bullet hole in his face. Holy crap! This is the big one! Was it Billy Morris targeted for a ransom of millions? Was it some bank executive abducted by a disgruntled underling who knew he had the combination to the big vault? Was it another Jon-Benet Ramsay case that would go unsolved and bring Nancy Grace’s satellite trucks to the steps
The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. of the new courthouse for months on end? Nope. It was most likely a drug deal gone bad. The victim? A convicted drug dealer. Theoretically, as cool as it would be for all of our local undocumented pharmaceutical distributors to methodically take each other out, it is far too impractical (see the victim above who survived, with a huge medical bill that I bet we will be paying) and too dangerous (too many innocent bystanders at risk) to seriously consider. Besides, the day the last thug was left standing, we wouldn’t know whether to execute him or throw him a parade. All this is important to keep in mind because we have a small but loud chorus of folks in the area who want to blame Augusta law enforcement officials and Augusta politicians for what they believe is some huge and Augusta-centric crime wave. Those folks need to read a paper and get a clue. Yes, we do have drug and gang issues in the area, as well as more property crime than anyone finds acceptable. But that same “heavy air” is settling in on most metro areas of our size and socioeconomic make up. This ain’t an Augusta problem, it is an
American problem. For those who say Augusta proper is far worse than Aiken, North Augusta, Evans, Martinez, etc., when it comes to certain crimes, I say: “No shizzle, Sherlock.” The City of Augusta is the urban center of the entire Central Savannah River Area. That means it is going to have its issues. But for the rest of the area citizens to point fingers and cast aspersions, it reminds me of a mouth, a stomach and a liver complaining that the colon is stinking up the bathroom. Our community is a body of the whole, and singling out the smelly parts is all fine and well until the body tries to get along without them. Anyone can be a target of a property crime, any house can be burglarized, any downtown patron mugged, but when it comes to serious deadly crime in Augusta, there is a better than 90 percent chance that the victim is either related to or knows the attacker intimately, or is in the midst of illegal activity (drug or gang activity) when they are dispatched to their Eternal Reward. You can put a cop on every street corner, and it won’t alter that reality one damn bit.
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