Page 1

UofW annexed

Confession 2.1

comment

news

page 8

page 3

UofM takes over, absorbs liberal arts school

Dating advice from anonymous Internet authority

science & technology

Weapon X

Stuff of comic books at centre of mysterious disappearances

arts & culture

Feline shaming Cat-calling demeaning to cats

sports

R.I.P. Mick E. Jets' mascot to be euthanized

us amp on c rup Cove page 9

page 13

page 15

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Index

VOL. 100 NO. 28 April 2, 2014

Editor-in-Chief Bryce Hoye

editor@themanitoban.com / 474.8293

Business manager Foster Lyle

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accounts@themanitoban.com / 474.6535

Advertising Coordinator Daniel Schipper

ads@themanitoban.com / 474.6535

Editorial

Senior News Editor Quinn Richert

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news@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

News Editor Katy MacKinnon

katy@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

Comment Editor Katerina Tefft

comment@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Managing Editor Fraser Nelund

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me@themanitoban.com / 474.6520

science & technology Editor Tom Ingram

science@themanitoban.com/ 474.6529

arts & Culture Editor Kara Passey

arts@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Sports Editor Marc Lagace

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sports@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Copy Editor Carlyn Schellenberg

copy@themanitoban.com/ 474.6520

Design

Design Editor Silvana Moran

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design@themanitoban.com / 474.6775

Graphics Editor Bradly Wohlgemuth

graphics@themanitoban.com / 474.6775

Photo Editor Beibei Lu

photo@themanitoban.com / 474.6775

design associate Aichelle Sayuno

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graphics associate Bram Keast

Reporters

News Caleigh MacDonald News Kevin Linklater Science Elizabeth Drewnik arts & culture Anastasia Chipelski arts & culture Lukas Thiessen Sports Mike Still Assistant copy editor Angela England

Volunteer Contributors

Will Gibson, Scott Ford, John Stinzi, Gloria Joe, Heather Kat Cole

MANITOBAN 105 UN IVERSITY CENTRE U N I V E R S I T Y O F M A N I TO B A WINNIPEG, MB R3T 2N2

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Special thanks A very special thanks to our guest editors- Poe and Nemo who worked extremely hard this issue. The Manitoban has grown as a paper thanks to them.

A “volunteer staff” member is defined as a person who has had three volunteer articles, photographs, or pieces of art of reasonable length and/or substance published in three different issues of the current publishing year of the Manitoban. Any individual who qualifies must be voted in by a majority vote at a Manitoban staff meeting. Elected representatives and non-students may be excluded from holding votes as volunteer staff members in accordance with the Manitoban Constitution. The Manitoban is the official student newspaper of the University of Manitoba. It is published monthly during the summer and each week of regular classes during the academic year by the Manitoban Newspaper Publications Corporation. The Manitoban is an independent and democratic student organization, open to participation from all students. It exists to serve its readers as students and citizens. The newspaper’s primary mandate is to report fairly and objectively on issues and events of importance and interest to the students of the University of Manitoba, to provide an open forum for the free expression and exchange of opinions and ideas, and to stimulate meaningful debate on issues that affect or would otherwise be of interest to the student body and/or society in general. The Manitoban serves as a training ground for students interested in any aspect of journalism. Students and other interested parties are invited to contribute to any section of the newspaper. Please contact the appropriate editor for submission guidelines. The Manitoban reserves the right to edit all submissions and will not publish any material deemed by its editorial board to be discriminatory, racist, sexist, homophobic or libellous. Opinions expressed in letters and articles are solely those of the authors. Editorials in the Manitoban are signed and represent the opinions of the writer(s), not necessarily those of the Manitoban staff, Editorial Board, or the publisher. All contents are ©2014 and may not be reprinted without the express written permission of the Editor-in-Chief. Yearly subscriptions to the Manitoban are available for $40.


Senior News Editor: Quinn Richert News Editor: Katy MacKinnon Contact: news@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

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Breaking: Degrees has pizza Ronnie Coleman, staff

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he Manitoban has learned, members have come forward under through files obtained via a the condition of anonymity to admit Freedom of Information request, that that they have been receiving and Degrees has pizza. consuming Degrees pizza at their Documents show that the restau- monthly meetings all year. rant owned by the student union has Recently re-elected president Al been producing a catering-only “clas- Turnbull declined to comment on the sic crust” version for years. Employees, unfolding story. à la Canadian Museum for Human The Degrees pie is said to come Rights, have been placed under a in white, unmarked boxes. A range strict gag order, barring them from of toppings, from the banal to the discussing the company’s pizza poli- bizarre—pepperoni to artichoke cies with the press. hearts—are amply scattered under Restaurant manager Thomas mild mozzarella, and on top of a Blumer was hesitant to divulge fur- Domino’s-style sauce. Vegetarian ther details last week, refusing to give options are available on request, and straight answers prior to a press con- UMSU Council members conference being scheduled sometime in firmed suspicions that it is sliced the next few days. into squares. “I guess it depends what you mean For the time being, Degrees is by ‘pizza,’” he told the Manitoban. working with university adminis“I’m running a restaurant here, tration on a plan to quell the disconand I’m not in the business of cham- tent already beginning to bubble up pioning every social justice cause you within the student body. throw my way. Do you have any idea, “It’s fucking bullshit, man,” said the budget nightmare with pizza top- third-year electrical engineering stupings? Other than that, I have no dent Max Ferraris. comment for you,” he later added, “All my buddies are so fucking under persistent questioning. choked. How many times can I get University of Manitoba politi- the goddamn beef burger, meanwhile cal studies professor Bartholomew the anthropology club is dining on Humbert Welch weighed in on the vegan pizza at a roundtable talk with revelations, noting that sometimes David Graeber? Bullshit.” campus restaurants reserve pizza for UManitoba Confessions has catering in order to avoid the high already started to see complaints risks associated with the infamously pouring in. From confession #751: cutthroat market. “The other day when I was in Dafoe, “They choose to leave the everyday second floor, pretending to be studybusiness of dough-twirling, cheese- ing but actually checking out these sprinkling, and sundried-tomatoing four dimes studying together that I to those with the capital to take such followed from the tunnels by Armes, gambles,” said Welch. I overheard these kids whispering “Really, it makes perfect sense about Degrees having pizza. If that under the tenets of Porter’s Five is true, then I am so pissed at them Forces [ . . . ] but the ethics of with- for covering that up. As if going to holding the product from students the U of M wasn’t bad enough, you’re are dubious at best.” holding out and forcing us to resort “Especially when the crust rises all to Pizza Pizza? C’mon, son.” nice like theirs does.” Protest is expected to reach a boilAdding fuel to the already well- ing point in the coming days. fed fire, several UMSU Council

News

Ask UManitoba Confessions 2.1 Heartfelt letters from you to me, me to you Admin 2.1

Dear UManitoba Confessions 2.1, I’m a first-year female student, and I’ve managed to go the entire year without ever meeting that special someone. There is a totally cute guy in my Psychology of Anonymous Internet Relationships class, and he added me on Facebook yesterday. He keeps “poking” me on Facebook, but so far he hasn’t made a move in person. I’ve tried everything – from pleasant conversation, to humorous jokes, to just being kind and friendly. I don’t know how to get his attention. Help! Signed, Lonely with Longing Loins

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ear Loins, something he can grab onto, You’re going about this you’re on the right track. whole courting thing all wrong. Slap a smile on that almostIt’s pretty obvious to me what you pretty face. It doesn’t hurt to wear need to do. Are you physically low-cut shirts and tight pants, attractive? Because chances are, either. We all know that wearing you’re not – that’s probably why yoga pants is a universally unmishe’s not talking to you in person. takable invitation for men to stare He’s seen your Facebook photos at your ass. Bright-coloured lip(after all the Photoshop edits, of stick and lots and lots of makeup course) but when he sees you in will draw attention to your othperson, he’s really turned off by erwise unattractive features, and your true self. loud, fake laughter will ring like Take some time to work on wedding bells in his ears. your appearance. You’ll want to You’ll feel so much better after create the aura that you’re des- empowering yourself with such perately longing for sex, and your beauty tricks. clothes and demeanour are the Good luck. You’re going to best way to do so. Revamp your need it. ugly hairdo to a hot one – if you have short hair, definitely get Signed, UManitoba some hair extensions. If there’s Confessions 2.1

L e T t e r t o t h e Ed i t o r Send your letters to editor@themanitoban.com or drop them off at 105 University Centre

Re: A response to “Can’t brag about Winnipeg anymore,” published on Power 97

was supposed to be graced with the Additionally, the new departpresence of someone special. ment stores being built in this city I was left with the laborious task of are shameful. I walked into Ikea on opening the garage door manually. a sunny Sunday morning, only to get The entire process left me with a lost within minutes. The entire store am writing this in response to wrinkle in my newly pressed Chanel seemed to be presented as some sort “Can’t brag about Winnipeg any- suit. It seemed like I had hit the low- of fantasy land. How are you supmore,” a letter you posted on your est of lows. Boy, was I ever wrong. posed to find the items you want to website last week that was sent in On my way to the airport, my buy? And when you do find them, by a listener. Mercedes hit a pebble on the road. they are all in pieces, leaving you I utterly agree with everything The noise was so loud that I’m sure with the complicated task of putting written. Winnipeg astonishes me on I burst an eardrum. Where are the everything together on your own. a daily basis, and not in a good way. street cleaners in this disgusting Where are all the personal shoppers? This morning, when I tried to open city? Erroneous! I used to wear Winnipeg pride on my four-car garage with the autoWe send our young teenagers matic clapper opener, the garage door my sleeve, but now I mention the city on trips to third-world countries to just wouldn’t budge. My hands were in a whisper, since we are clearly no build schools and “make a difference,” a little slippery from some Parisian longer a G8 country. Your listener was but it’s clear that our city has a much essential oil, mind you, but it’s clear so right in every way. Winnipeg is a greater need. To my dear Sam Dogz, that there was a momentary lapse in third-world city. Examples abound. it’s time you stop spending all our electricity. What’s up with this chlorinated hard-earned money on Zamboni Today was a very important busi- water? The government clearly doesn’t rapid transit systems and give this ness day for me. I was required to pick care about its citizens when it wants city a little more spirited energy. up the CEO of Yenom Bank, and to add non-organic toxic chemicals to there is no way in hell I was planning a DAILY NEED for human beings. Moolah Mammon on showing up via taxi, or worse, a I’m lucky to have my Fiji water bottles rented car! No, today my Mercedes directly delivered to my doorstep.

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News

Senior News Editor: Quinn Richert News Editor: Katy MacKinnon Contact: news@themanitoban.com / 474.6770

illustration by Marble Steak

City’s new rapid transit strategy revealed

Zambonis to replace plows amid catastrophic collapse in leadership French Studley, staff

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ast week city hall rolled out the plan. a new rapid transit strategy “That’s typical when people for Winnipeg. The plan entails a are confronted with something complete overhaul of not only the new. This is an example of some transportation system, but also great Canadian ingenuity and how the city tackles snow clearing. innovation, and will be helpful The core element will see the city in reducing vehicle congestion on replace the majority of its snow- the roads,” said Winnipeg Mayor Sam Dogz during the briefing. plow fleet with Zambonis. Opponents are calling the P ubl ic work s m in ister Guiseppe Zimbonee unveiled move a ‘catastrophic collapse in leadership.’ the plan in a briefing. “It’s pretty clear that there is a “What we have here is a solution that will solve two of the conflict of interest in the formulacity’s most pressing problems: tion of this plan. Not to mention the shortcomings of the public that it really is a horrible and illconceived idea,” transportation said mayoral system, and candidate the c i t y ’s “It’s good for the Judy Hatesfun. approach to kids” – Thomas Dogz was snow removal,” rumoured to Zimbonee told Spleen have purchased reporters. a large share in The f irst part of the plan will see a sig- Mandong Pharmaceutical and nificant part of the city’s snow Financial, which has a division removal fleet re-engineered with specializing in the manufacture state-of-the-art ice surfacing of Zamboni tires, and which also technology. The second part will owns Bower hockey skates. The city has faced major budget see the city’s bus fleet scrapped, and residents’ bus passes replaced cuts to its snow removal and pubwith a pair of long track speed lic transportation budgets, and the plan is being billed as a major skates. “We thought of going with cost saving. No one at city hall hockey skates, but that wouldn’t offered any comment about what be as efficient. The whole point is will happen when warm temperfor us to facilitate the movement atures arrive and skating on the of people as quickly and easily roads will no longer be viable. Thomas Spleen, former NHL as possible,” Zimbonee told the player and city councillor for Manitoban. When city hall watchers Elmwood/East Kildonan, spoke pointed out that this plan will to the Manitoban after the undoubtedly result in slower briefing. “It’s good for the kids,” said transportation, and will potentially be just as costly for the city Spleen. The city will implement the to maintain in infrastructure maintenance—keeping ice sur- new strategy in time for summer faces smooth is no easy task— 2015. councillors were quick to defend


VOL. 100 NO. 28 April 2, 2014

News

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Deceitful rodents face public outcry Punishment demanded for groundhog’s lies I DON'T KNOW WHO WROTE THIS.

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isgruntled Winnipeggers have taken up an unconventional cause designed to overthrow what they call “a culture of lies,” perpetuated by a certain furry animal – Willow the groundhog. Picketing outside the Assiniboine Park Zoo and Fort Whyte Alive, the group has vowed to expose the lies they feel were disseminated by one particular groundhog on Feb. 2, when the animal claimed to have seen her shadow, foretelling an early spring. “Early spring,” protester Bert Summerton said in an exclusive interview with the Manitoban. “Early spring my ass. It looks like January outside and I have snow banks that

are taller than I am.” edly, “You had one job!” to Willow. Carrying signs that boasted sloSam Hoggart, a six-year-old gans such as “Punish the furry liars” Winnipegger accompanying his and “I wood chuck this woodchuck mother, carried a stuffed toy groundoff the job,” the protesters were a mot- hog, which the protesters seized and ley group ranging from the very old ceremoniously burned outside the to the very young. gates of the nature centre. Stu Padassole—a leader whose Emergency services were called followers have described as “char- to extinguish the flames, resulting in ismatic,” and “a beam of sunshine no casualties, save for the stuffed toy in this everlasting winter”—led the and Hoggart’s feelings as he watched dissenters. it burn. Padassole initiated the majority of Willow the groundhog was the group’s activities, which included unavailable for comment at press an interpretive dance piece inspired by time, in spite of numerous attempts the performers’ personal experiences of shouting questions down the hole slipping on ice, to a group chant in to her burrow. which the members shouted repeat-

illustration by Snormin' Norman, Cnorms, Sue, Normy, Twin #2, Resting Bitch Face, Barrel, Shaniqua

Restrictive, arbitrary Slurpee ban ignites unprecedented political participation Winnipeggers: “Don’t tread on me!” French Studley, staff

illustration by Marble Steak

Winnipeg city council has taken a cue from New York City and has moved to enact a ban on the sale of large sugary drinks. But the move has sparked a tremendous uproar among the city’s residents. Spontaneous “citizens’ committees” have sprung up across Winnipeg and are opposing the ban. In some more militant areas, like Transcona and the Maples, vigilante groups are occupying neighbourhood 7-Elevens and have started stocking up on the “Big Gulp” and “Super Big Gulp” drink containers. “This is about freedom. The government is trying to take away our right to bear large drinks,” said Sara Failen, organizer of a group occupying the Mac’s convenience store on McPhillips Street.

City crime watch Mall brief Tucker Golanley, beat reporter

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suspicious man was stopped for questioning at Portage Place after several reports that someone was attempting to shop at the downtown shopping destination. “We had received reports of a man hassling employees with questions regarding cell phone accessories,” said security manager Fred Beans. “We take all matters of employee safety seriously.” The man, whose name is being withheld by authorities due to the ongoing investigation, was reported to be on his lunch break when his

spree began. to use the third floor restroom,” said “It’s a scary thought. What would Jon Log, owner of Jon Log’s Footlong compel someone to do that?” said Hot Dogs stand. a shaken witness to the attempted “Let’s just hope this laser investipurchase. gation digs up evidence to put this Mall forensic investigators have creep away for good, so life can go begun to trace the suspect’s path back to normal.” through the shopping centre using sophisticated lasers. When asked to If you have any information comment on the impact the investi- about purchases made at Portage gation will have on the day-to-day Place, you are asked to contact mall operations, one merchant wasn’t Fred Beans at the mall security concerned at all. hotline 1-888-FRED-BEA. “I mean, most people are just here to sit in the food court or wander up

In addition to the occupations, tal of the world” for many years. citizens’ groups have formed coaliThe ban would limit the amount tions and are said to be drafting a of Slurpees that Winnipeg residents declaration on the rights of large- could consume at one time, potendrink consumers in Winnipeg. tially dealing a blow to the city’s claim An outpouring of support has as Slurpee capital. come from a variety of different sec“This is not something that we are tors of civil society. Religious groups, going to allow to pass without a fight. drag racing clubs, sporting organiza- There have been issues in the past tions, and labour and business inter- that people have rallied around—war, ests have rallied around the issue in civil rights, marriage equality, the a motley coalition, united by their environment—but this is the issue opposition of the ban. of our time. We need to stand up for “If God didn’t want us to have large our rights,” said Failen. drinks, why did he create the Super Activists are planning a mass Big Gulp?” asked prominent evan- demonstration outside city hall in gelist Jerry Funyuns, who now heads coming weeks. Organizers say acts the group Unitarians for Upsizing. of civil disobedience are not out of Winnipeg has a long and illustri- the question. ous history with large sugary drinks, having held the title of “Slurpee capi-


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Comment Editor: Katerina Tefft Contact: comment@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Comment

Potential UMSU scandal defused due to lack of students talking to each other Union loses school’s valuable fossils in poker match; nobody cares ronathan ruffio, volunteer staff

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scandal nearly broke out this week after it was revealed that UMSU embezzled $150,000 to pay for gambling debts accrued after losing the school’s dinosaur fossils in a poker game. However, an actual scandal failed to develop, since University of Manitoba students do not, in fact, talk to each other. Inter-student conversation, interaction, and friend-making is at an all-time low. Though the damning evidence regarding the potential scandal is now public, the few who heard about it showed little desire to spread the word, or indeed speak to anyone outside their immediate circle, ever, for any reason. University of Manitoba students seem to not “care” about student government, or their university in general, making it difficult for a scandal—which requires both discussion and concern—to take hold. We asked Wallace lab assistant Wyatt Jarvis, one of the first to hear about the missing fossils, who he told. “Who’d I tell? Dude, I don’t know anyone at this school.” Helen Glass secretary Aimee Zambuski was there when the allegations were announced. She states, “I was like, ‘huh.’ Told some friends. They were like, ‘whateves.’” At a university of over 29,000 students, only about 26 actually heard anything about the scandal. Many are UMSU employees, who explained that their friends “don’t

wanna hear ‘bout that shit.” work?” David Mapplethorpe is a Professor Rashid Markandaya bartender at the Hub. He stated, of the department of philosophy— “Look, I’m just here for an education. which, apparently, exists—said the I work at the school, I take class situation can be described in philohere, but I don’t care about it. Hey, sophical terms. “The U of M exists are you gonna order something or in what we would call an existenwhat?” tial haze. The imposition of ‘the When asked how he feels about Other’ makes the individual feel the scandal, Jordie Tait, host of the like ‘Object’ rather than ‘Subject.’ hit UMFM show Afternoon Beat, But U of M students are too constated, “Is this about the elections? cerned with their Subjects to care Yes, voting is important!” We asked about any Others.” if he’d devote any of Afternoon Beat We reached ba r tender to the story. “Sorry guys, I’m all Mapplethorpe later and explained booked up this week. I’m inter- the scandal in full. He seemed viewing Neil deGrasse Tyson!” ambivalent. A survey conducted in University “Call me uninvolved but my life Centre on Friday asked students, happens off campus. I’m not unin“How do you feel about the UMSU formed; I just don’t care. UMSU scandal?” The most common affects zero of my day-to-day life at responses were, “I’m just here for the university. As long as they keep an education” (36 per cent), “Ugh, turning down that stupid U-Pass is this about voting?” (29 per cent), idea, I couldn’t care less who’s in “I’m trying to study” (17 per cent), charge.” and, “No, I don’t watch Scandal ” Said Mapplethorpe later, “Wait, (11 per cent). what? They did what now?” Grad student Jinnah Jameson Update: After some digging, said, “Have I heard anything on the Manitoban determined that campus? If you’re not wearing a the fossils lost by the gambling Starbucks apron and asking what UMSU members are in fact a sitsize I want my latte, I’m not gonna ting professor in the department of talk to you.” English. When questioned about In fact, most students we spoke his involvement, the faculty memto seemed ignorant about anything ber creaked into life: “I remember outside their program and immedi- when the Manitoban was first pubate circle. Some departments had lished, right after my latest book. common reasons, like fine arts— Are they still counting interviews “The real school people don’t talk with you guys as publications at to us”—and Asper: “I hate other performance reviews? No?” people. Can we get rid of group “No comment.”

illustration by Marble Steak

Local man outraged family on welfare maintaining decent quality of life Alleged welfare queen flaunting wealth of groceries, time at home with young child ptor nyegurd, volunteer staff

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local resident has reportedly “had it up to here” with seeing a neighbouring family known to be “suckling at the Marxist teat” enjoying many of the same privileges that his own family enjoys. The alleged welfare queen, a single mother of two girls, is accused of flagrantly flaunting her wealth for everyone to see, and this man has had enough of her brazenly gaudy displays.

need help from the government once in a while, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. But when I see her oldest mistake… I mean… daughter, showing up on the first day of school wearing the same brand of clothes as my daughter, I’ve got to question just how much money we’re giving these people.” “Oh, and one time I saw the oldest daughter walking around with a phone of her own. A phone of her own! Can you believe it? And I “I don’t want them swear it was the kind of phone that has the Internet on it, too. What the to be suffering heck does she need the Internet for, anyway?” out on the street Knoff added, “But the real kicker or anything like is, one time my wife saw the mother shopping at the grocery store, I kid that. I just like to you not, buying meat. Seriously, on be able to tell the welfare and she can afford meat. And not just hot dogs or something difference between either, it was like pork chops, honest to God. What the heck is so wrong us and them.” with macaroni and cheese that we need to be buying these people meat? “She doesn’t work and everybody I work for a living, and I tell you right knows it,” said local busybody Jack now that my kids aren’t eating meat Knoff. “She stays home with the every night. But then that’s partly youngest daughter all day while because I have a Beamer to pay for. the older one is at middle school. You ever driven one of them? Man, Probably spends the day playing with are they ever sweet…” dolls and sipping wine and frying up Knoff then discussed his “Beamer” grilled cheese sandwiches. You know, at length until his wife called him in living the good life.” for dinner. But before he followed When questioned about what was the wafting scent of sirloin steak back so offensive about a stay-at-home sin- into his bungalow, he left us with one gle mother, Knoff digressed. “Hey, final thought: don’t get me wrong. I know some“Look, I’ve got nothing against body has to take care of the kid, and them personally. I don’t want them she’s too young to go to school. I’m to be suffering out on the street or just saying it means that the woman anything like that. I just like to be clearly doesn’t work, so where is she able to tell the difference between getting her money? I think we all us and them, that’s all.” know the answer to that.” Wise words from a generous “And hey, I’m an open-minded, soul. liberal guy,” Knoff continued. “If you


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Comment

VOL. 100 NO. 28 April 2, 2014

University of Manitoba invades, annexes University of Winnipeg University of Winnipeg mounts passionate but futile defence ronathan ruffio, volunteer staff

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ensions between the University of Manitoba and the University of Winnipeg erupted this weekend when the U of M staged a full-scale military invasion of the U of W, ultimately capturing it and claiming it as their own. With little warning, the U of M rapidly mobilized a force of 500 highly trained students on Friday morning and marched into the U of W. The stu-

talkies amidst cheers of “They’re going down!” and “They’re not a real school anyway!” as Barnard himself climbed into a helicopter and flew away through the retractable roof above the food court in University Centre. At 10:15 a.m., a wave of commandos swarmed the U of W campus, smashing through the entrance of Centennial Hall. Armed with rulers and protractors, they swatted and poked their way past security. The engineering faculty built roadblocks at key strategic points along Balmoral and Spence. By noon, they’d seized the planned sports complex site and christened it “Investors Group Field 2.0.” Riddell Hall’s cafeteria was captured by our own Bison hockey team. illustration by Marble Steak The unsuspecting U of W students—in the midst of hosting their fourth annual dent army forcefully occupied the class- Fellowship Bake Sale for Palestine and rooms and offices, declaring the school Local Music—were quickly captured. was now a part of the “University of The U of W mounted a desperate defence, hurling all the frisbees, bongs, Manitoba family.” At dawn, president David Barnard and biodegradable cups they could find. held an emergency UMSU assembly in They were ultimately overwhelmed by University Centre. “The time has come,” the Asper School Army, who fired canhe announced. “Today the appendage nons of money at each building until is absorbed. Today… we fight.” UMSU the department was theirs. executives barked orders into walkieUniversity of Winnipeg campus

radio station CKUW mounted a pas- them suitable for “general use.” Theatre sionate 12 hours of programming call- students, though initially designated ing for the protection of their school, as human shields, became key leaders interspersed with demos from the DJ’s of several charges, bringing an energy band. The broadcast reached over 20 and physicality to the invasion that was listeners, a station record, but failed to called “a lot of fun.” mobilize the student body to action. By Sunday, the U of W admin University of Manitoba campus radio offices were occupied, the UWSA station UMFM’s exuberant coverage was dissolved, and U of M forces offiencouraged their fellow students to cially declared the U of W annexed and defeat the “liberal arts cockroaches.” absorbed into the U of M organizaIt is now apparent that the U of tion. University of Manitoba chancellor M’s years of intensive training in sci- Harvey Secter has drawn up paperence, engineering, management, and work to formally incorporate the U of physical prowess was not undertaken W as a constituent college. Reports to build a capable work force, but to state they were considering calling it produce a capable fighting force. The the “Downtown Annex,” but wonder militia consisted of a ground fleet of if that might be insensitive, since it was undergrads, supported by several col- actually annexed. umns of grad students, career counThis is the most recent time the sellors, and associate professors. The U of M has taken such a course of invasion was ordered by the Board of action against another institution. In Governors, co-ordinated by UMSU 2011, Collège Universitaire de Saintmilitary command, and directed by Boniface was invaded, ostensibly for the the officer corps of the engineering and purpose of renaming it “Université de science faculties. Saint-Boniface.” This was at the behest The University of Manitoba of the U of M’s computer science faculty, Students’ Union designated educa- who believed it would be funny to have tion and University 1 students as scouts, a university called “USB.” aides, and readers, claiming their smattering of random first-year classes made


Science & Technology Editor: Tom Ingram Contact: science@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Science I guess

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Weapon X attacks Winnipeg Stuff of comic books not just fictional stories PeTe Rhee, staff

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ews of people disappear- there is hope. Just recently, a method is currently favoured. ing across Canada has been lead has been established on this We have been able to get into surfacing for weeks. Friends have unfortunate epidemic. contact with two survivors of the been reported as missing, famSources, who wish to remain Weapon X program: Wolverine ily members have failed to return anonymous for safety reasons, are and Deadpool. home, and pets have been vanish- saying that these disappearances Both men are of Canadian ing faster than the time required are in large part due to Weapon X, origin, and have experienced to cook a microwave dinner. a top-secret government genetic firsthand what the organization In addition to the disappear- research organization, run under is capable of. ances, strange events have been the branch of Department K. Wolverine, associated with the What is remarkable about films X-Men and The Avengers, witnessed across the country. Sightings of men and women— these events is that Weapon X is a mutant who was exploited and even animals!—with remark- is featured in various Marvel by Weapon X for his rapid selfable powers and abilities have been comic books. As it turns out, the healing abilities. The organization reported in most of the populated stuff of science fiction and comic implanted within him a skeleton areas of the country. People have books are actually semi-accurate made of adamantium, a virtually been documented with super examples of depicted events, dis- indestructible metal alloy. strength, transformational abil- guised as entertainment to try and He was fortunately able to ities, and the ability to shoot fool the public into believing that escape the program. lasers from their We tried to secure eyes or manipulate an interview with the The RCMP have reported more the laws of physics. mutant hero; howThese people have ever, he growled and unusual disappearances happening been reported to be bared his claws and in Winnipeg than in any other city w reak ing havoc said, “you ain’t getupon cities, targettin’ nothin’ out of or community across the country ing families amidst me, bub, and you can peaceful hours of quote me on that!” dinner and other While Deadpool domestic moments. Their motives there is nothing unwholesome was eager for the opportunity are not yet clear. going on. to tell his side of the story in an Winnipeg has been hit particuNow, dear readers (in par- interview, his tendencies to flirt larly hard with this phenomenon. ticular those who have never with all members of our staff, and The RCMP have reported more picked up a comic book), allow make crude remarks that are too unusual disappearances hap- me to enlighten you with some lascivious to be printed for the pening in Winnipeg than in any background information on this delicate eyes of our readers, renother city or community across organization that is currently ter- dered every word of our exchange the country. It is still unknown as rorizing the country. unpublishable. to why Winnipeg happens to be Weapon X uses genetic enginIn addition to survivors of the such an interesting target. eering technology to transform Weapon X program, we also know It’s estimated that an alarm- people into human weapons. Their of a survivor from the Weapon I ing 150,000 individuals have gone focus is on capturing people with program, one of the first initiamissing across the country in mutant powers and enhancing tives to create a super soldier. conjunction with these inexplic- those mutations, but the organ- Captain America (Steve Rogers), ably strange events. About 30 per ization also performs experiments of the Avengers, was the firstcent of the people being abducted on non-mutant humans, where known successful super soldier are from Winnipeg alone. The they attempt to induce new created by the program in the strange disappearances have mutations. United States. been occurring steadily for several The organization has been “We will defeat the evil brewing weeks now. Safety officials have known to operate under two gen- in this good neighbouring nation,” increased their policing efforts, eral methods of securing partici- said Rogers, as he patriotically but to no avail. People are still pants: either through voluntary held his shield high, a symbol of being abducted at an alarming consent, or through kidnapping hope in this bleak time. rate. people into participation. Amongst the dismal havoc, It appears as though the latter


Science & Technology Editor: Tom Ingram Contact: science@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Science & technology

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Winnipeg scientist wins top award Major discovery in semi-organic chemistry honoured in ceremony Clair Nett, staff

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anadian scientists gathered at the Winnipeg Convention Centre last week for the awarding of the 35th annual Nashe Medal for Research and Discovery in Canada. This year’s medal was given to Ed Reinier, associate professor of chemistry at the University of Manitoba, for his discoveries in the field of semi-organic chemistry. Semi-organic chemistry is a field that seeks to unify the organic and

inorganic branches of chemistry. I’m a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my antioxidants. When I get all steamed up, buffer the reaction with the addition of an agarose gel, then tip me over and pour me out. The entire reaction is then repeated at a high temperature to compare the rate of change. This allows scientists like Reinier and his colleague Jean-Francis

crops have been severely damaged have degrees in chemistry. “This by a pollutant known as EI-E10l. only goes to show the importance The U.S.’s Environmental of public education in science,” said Protection Agency considers the Reinier. substance to be extremely detrimenIn his acceptance speech, Reinier tal to wildlife and plants, while as talked at length about the state of Wichita falls, so falls Wichita Falls. science education, lamenting the “With our new process, we hope to slow creep of ideological pseudoscimake the lives of farmers easier and ence like creationism and climate the regulation of industrial pollut- change denial in schools. See, it ants more reliable,” said Reinier. just got political, so now we’re talkReinier is particularly concerned ing about something you think you w it h indusunderstand. t r i a l p ol luYou probably “Semi-organic tion, which he feel like you’ve believes to be made some chemistry is the next the major factor grand moral frontier for” – Reinier driving climate g e s t u re or change. For strong intelinstance, ethlectual stand ylmethyldisodiumtetraphosphate, by agreeing with this totally fica chemical released by concrete tional person’s totally meaningless plants while tonight I’m gonna have speech. You people disgust me. Get myself a real good time, I feel alive. out of here. But Reinier sees hope While the chemical reacts with dust in the next generation. particles in the air, it also opens up “The truth cannot be constrained, your mind and lets me step inside, and science is fundamentally about everybody play the game of love. the truth,” he said. I’m serious, photo by Martin Walker This can be particularly troublesome though, you people are horrible and in windy locales like Manitoba. you’re probably better off believing Dutoit to make major insights into Reinier stressed the role of his whatever you’re told to believe. I the materials that make up plastic graduate and doctoral students in can’t believe you let some loathsome pollutants. “It’s a whole other world,” helping with the discoveries. “This prissy music major spend three said Dutoit. “We’ve really made medal is theirs as much as it is years acting as if he knew more some fascinating discoveries that mine,” he said. This is what your about science than you – and being have serious implications for the understanding of science is probably right. Disgraceful. Carbohydrates. future of environmental policy.” like. The form of knowledge without Seriously. The ramifications of these dis- any of the content, relevant-looking Reinier added, “We may be able coveries are likely to have a major free-associated gibberish bracketed to delude ourselves for a generation, impact on the way factories and by barely acceptable opening and but sooner or later science will settle farms conduct their business. Old closing sentences like the one at the accounts.” Macdonald had a farm, and his end of this paragraph. Some of you


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Arts & Culture Editor: Kara Passey Contact: arts@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Arts & Culture

Circle pits, shotgunning, and bro hugs BroFest 2014 to fill gap in Winnipeg music festivals Aman Tahuggenkiss, staff

Known around town for being the edgiest comic, Manderson boasts that the new material he’s breaking out will bring the crowd to its knees. “Sometimes I get myself in trouble because I joke about things that feminists don’t like, like rape or whatever,” says Manderson. “But I have this new bit about the revenge I have planned for my ex-girlfriend, and all my buddies think it’s hilarious.” “It’s really not my problem if people find my jokes offensive anyway,” says Manderson. “Like, you get offended because you choose to be, and I choose to have a sense of humour.” In addition to comedy starting off the night, patrons of the fest are invited to come early for the ceremonial Stone Cold circle in the parking lot, to be followed by a shotgunning contest. I know what you’re thinking: what if I’m a girl and my boyfriend really wants to attend this fest, am I allowed to tag along? Jonz promises that ladies are more than welcome. “I mean, where would the scene be if not for women? Someone’s got to sell merch, and make sure our beers are filled on stage.” Amie Jacobs, ex-frontwoman of local hardcore band Her Revenge, agrees with Jonz’ sentiment. “When I was in a band I was really just doing it for attention,” says Jacobs. “Now that I’ve realized that these dudes will date me if I just help them load their gear before and after their set, I feel a lot more at ease with the scene.”

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on’t you hate it when you’re at a “And I was like, yeah, that’s how I feel show at your favourite divey bar about music. If you share an experiand people ask you to stop trying to ence other than mine, I’m like, ‘no start a circle pit, or the cops won’t stop thanks, bye.’” cruising the back lane and let you With locals such as Fuck Fist, enjoy your alley beers in peace? Local Vaginal Penetration, Tits or GTFO, promoter Stevey Jonz feels the same and Dude Ranch, BroFest 2014 way, and that’s why BroFest 2014 is promises to be an innovative night coming to the Zoo this summer. of heavy music made only by straight, “My 90-year-old granny once white bros. told me: ‘I don’t like ethnic food, it Music isn’t the only highlight of Keep an eye out for posters stapled has too many flavours,’” says Jonz, the evening, as opening the night to telephone polls containing addiexplaining his inspiration for the fest. is local comedian Jason Manderson. tional details on BroFest 2014.

Small towns, big hearts Rural Manitoba is home of tolerance and acceptance Thiessen toews-Wiebe, staff

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uring the recent Olympics in Gnocchi, the famous logo of colourful circles was shown only in black and white due to the host government’s broadcast regulations. While the international community of dedicated athletes chose to participate in the events in Russia, smalltown Manitobans were dismayed. “Here in Stonecreek, we pride ourselves on encouraging openness amongst our high school students,” says Associated Stonecreek Secondary (ASS) superintendent Anita Harder-Dyck. “A big part of our encouragement of school spirit is letting our students know that while we judge them on their academic merit, we never judge their hearts,” says HarderDyck, who became superintendent

in 2012. towns Blinkler, Borris, and Fretna, Michael Flanders and Christine made international headlines Butts started Canada’s first gay- for spearheading the Smalltown straight alliance club back in 1987 Promise campaign. while they were students at ASS. Begun by a group of parents from Flanders, 31, now sits on the town different Mennonite churches in council, while Butts, 33, ran for the each of the three towns, the camriding’s MLA seat in the 2013 elec- paign encouraged small towns to tion and won by a landslide. put the image of a rainbow on local “I can’t imagine living anywhere welcome signs. else,” says Butts, citing the support “The rainbow is God’s promise of local churches, mosques, temples, never to destroy humankind again, synagogues, atheists, and even peo- no matter how their behaviour difple who have no particular beliefs. fers from Her expectations,” says “It’s an honour to work for such campaign founder Grace Hiebert. a loving community where funda- “What better way to say to visitors, mental beliefs have never prevented newcomers, and of course the locals, anyone from showing immense that our whole town is happy to have compassion for each other.” you here, no matter what kind of During the last few years, person you are?” Stonecreek, and southern Manitoba

illustration by Snormin' Norman, Cnorms, Sue, Normy, Twin #2, Resting Bitch Face, Barrel, Shaniqua

Environment Canada says Manitoba actually has two winters Spring suggested to become “winter 2” and “pre-summer” leandro valdez, Volunteer staff

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nvironment Canada’s senior quences of this finding had on climatologist David Phallus how we evaluate our seasons. He has uncovered new and not-so- agreed with his team that since this shocking evidence about winter new batch of cold weather comes in Manitoba. This week from the after an annually consistent short Environment Canada national break of nice weather—one that office in Gatineau, Quebec, Phallus Manitobans have labelled the trick, announced that his team of win- joke, or cruel tease—that “it can ter weather specialists discovered only truthfully be considered a sechow in early March when the rest ond winter.” of North America starts to see the Environment Canada meteobenefits of the approaching spring, rologist Blair Morrow, a member Manitoba has a relapse into deep of Phallus’ team, also stated that freezing temperatures that lasts since this second winter occupies anywhere from one to two more at least half of the spring calenmonths. dar, Manitobans should consider Phallus’ team discovered this reworking the seasons for their situation while evaluating data of unique situation. Manitoba’s current extreme season: “Manitoba only receives what we “We were looking for more scientific consider normal spring temperaanswers as to why Manitoba has tures during the month of May and had such a cold winter, something sometimes the last few weeks of that we generally don’t do. What April. Because of this our team we found was that the theory we would like to advise the Manitoba had made up about the weakened provincial government to change polar vortex was actually true.” the calendar seasons to a five-season “We further discovered that format where spring is divided up not only was the vortex weak this into winter 2 and pre-summer.” winter, causing cold arctic temperaThis year’s winters were some of tures to creep into North America; the coldest on record for Manitoba. we found that in late February December and January experienced of every year the polar vortex in major stretches of sub -30 Celsius lower Nunavut weakens, spilling temperatures. The temperatures in a new batch of cold air down into February and March have hardly Manitoba.” changed, with the beginning of Phallus went on to state that his April looking to remain well below team looked into what the conse- freezing.


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Arts & Culture

Arts & Culture Editor: Kara Passey Contact: arts@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

Students take Winnipegology to heart New program to study our great city debuts at U of M paige turner, staff

illustration by scott ford

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he University of Manitoba proudly announced the addition of a new program for the 2014-15 academic year. Students

will now be able to apply for a degree in the freshly-minted field of Winnipegology. Program co-ordinator Meryl

Earnasson has been teaching Canadian Studies courses for the last decade, and drew her inspiration for the program from an honours-level reading course titled “Winnipeg: Love and Hate.” “This course was drawing students in from all disciplines—history, labour studies, entomology, agriculture, criminology, geography— really, I couldn’t pin it down to any one discipline, it was kind of like swamp water [the popular practice of mixing random flavours of Slurpee],” said Earnasson. “I really couldn’t offer the course often enough to keep up with the demand. The value of our city is

such a hotly contested topic, and students by awarding credit for time quite frankly, we are lucky to have spent in Winnipeg, and will allow an abundance of local experts in the residents to challenge the mandatory field.” Intro to Winnipegology for credit The program started out as a bit and jump right into second-year of a pet project, but as Earnasson courses, if they can prove they’re shopped it around to other pro- ready for it. grams, she saw that the study of “It all depends on how familiar Winnipeg was already taking place they are with the text, and so if you all across campus. A full week grew up in it, you have a pretty good of one graphic design class was idea. Just think about how much hijacked by a comparative analysis you don’t even know you that you of whether the “One Great City” or know. Nip. Unicity. Wind chill. the “Heart of the Continent” signs The Weakerthans. Cruise night. better represented the collective Mosquito. BTO. I could go on… are identity of Winnipeggers, reported you keeping up?” says Earnasson. Earnasson. When asked about the unusual “Some instructors were becom- program name, in classic Winnipeg ing frustrated with the time it was style, Earnasson rose up to defend it. taking up in their classrooms,” says “What, should we call it, ‘Winnipeg Earnasson. “Those [instructors] studies?’ That’s just awkward. We who came from other cities were needed a name for the program that surprised by the amount of time we reflects our uniqueness – to demon‘Peggers spend in this kind of intro- strate that we’re here, in the middle spection; the richness of our analysis of the country. We’re a subject worth must have just astounded them.” studying.” Earnasson hopes to attract more

Art dies in the winter Winnipeg creative types hate the winter, but look forward to expressing themselves when the trees are green Retah Retniw, staff

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illustration by hell cat

round the world, Winnipeg is synonymous with frigid wasteland. With a mere week of hot summer, bookended by half weeks of spring and autumn, most citizens have only enough time to get a sunburn before the cold rushes back in to cool the flaking skin. But for local artists, it’s truly the short, sweltering summer that fuels their imaginations. “I never touch my piccolo as long as there’s snow on the ground,” says world-renowned musician Kyla Bees. “My last album was written, recorded, and mixed all between Jazz Fest and Folk Fest.” “Sure, it’s hard to check out all the festivals and practise my art, but the effort is totally worth it,” says Bees. “I got some really good work done while Folklorama was going on, and

all through MEME and the Fringe monly known in the city. the creative juices just flowed.” “How could we possibly find any The album, a selection of covers energy to practise our craft if we’re of folk-rock troubadours the Byrds, just fighting to stay alive in a blizzard is number one on campus radio in that lasts almost 365 days?” asks local the city. filmmaker Buddy Gladdin. “The Byrds and the Bees really encapGladdin, whose early films include sulates the heart of the music scene Tales from an Arborg Petting Zoo, made in the city,” says Winnipeg DJ Jack it big in 2010. That was the year his Squats of the multi-platinum, Hera- feel-good summer romance comedy, award-winning album. The Happiest Music in the World, was “Each tune really focuses on some- released. It received a five-star ratthing intrinsic to the experience of a ing from Sisqo and Biebert, and has beautiful warm day. Being outdoors a 98 per cent rating on Fermented in flip-flops, lazy afternoons in the Apples. park throwing a non-brand-name “If I can’t see the sidewalk, and disc around, or swimming in the clear if I can’t go outside in a t-shirt and water of the Red River. That’s what shorts, then I just can’t believe the this city is all about.” cinematic muse would even look at Bees isn’t alone in packing a year me, let alone have the motivation to of creativity into the Week of 1,000 enter my presence in this meat locker Festivals, as summertime is com- of a hometown,” says Gladdin.

Real Canadian history U of M to announce the world’s first White History Month Katherine k. kommons, staff

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very year students across North America complain, “Why isn’t there a White History Month?” The University of Manitoba is proud to announce that they will be the first to answer the growing cry for equality. Talks on the work of John A. MacDonald, the establishment of Canada, and the historical traitor Louis Riel will fill the month, and free sandwiches made with grade A bologna on Wonderbread will be offered in University Centre every day. “I’m just so proud that our school will be the first to respect real diversity,” says first-year student Nathin Ried. “Next

I hope that our city will consider a living in,” says Robinson. “If anything, straight pride parade.” maybe it would help some of them get As mentioned on the UManitoba jobs.” Confessions 2.1 Facebook page, many Métis student Anida Fontaine says students are also outraged that First she is interested in what the month has Nations students get discounted educa- to offer. tions – sometimes they can earn entire “I have learned so much about my degrees for free. First-year engineering own history already,” says Fontaine. student Trevor Robinson hopes that “Like really, it’s almost overly accessible. the new White History Month will at I’m kind of over it.” least place some validity on the education of First Nations students. Get ready students, because the first“I just don’t even see the use to [First ever White History Month is coming Nations students] getting degrees from to the University of Manitoba campus our schools if they aren’t going to learn this October, just in time to get us about the history of the country they’re in the real spirit of Thanksgiving.

illustration by Marble Steak


VOL. 100 NO. 28 April 2, 2014

Arts & Culture

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An end to cat-calling? Animal rights activist hopes to banish misleading term, protect felines from abuse Sam Dogz, staff

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hile some may stand behind the old adage “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” there is growing recognition of the long-lasting effects of our words on others. Barney Davison, of People for the Respectful Treatment of Animals (PRTA), believes that we need to rethink the words that we’re using – not just for humans, but for our fourfooted friends as well. Davison believes that we need to

“I’ve seen some cats, they just slink around the house, tail down, avoiding eye contact. It’s just not right” Barney Davison put an end to cat-calling, and find a better word for this practice. He worries that this nomenclature encourages people to verbally abuse cats, and wants to separate humans’ nasty habits from the feline realm. “This thing we call cat-calling involves giving what would be, in words, maybe a compliment or just a comment, but in the tone of voice, the social context, in what we know of power relations [ . . . ] it’s not so different from the animal kingdom. It’s an act of dominance, or a threat,” observes Davison. “Cat-calling doesn’t actually show

you how to call a cat, respectfully. The thing we know as ‘cat-calling,’ it’s just not an acceptable way to approach a real, actual, flesh-and-blood cat.” Davison and the PRTA are concerned that if this human-modelled behaviour was used towards cats, it could have incredibly damaging psychological effects on them over the long term. “We don’t want young people getting the wrong idea. I mean, talk to a cat like that, it could stick with “cat-calling” scientists. them for days, weeks. I’ve seen some While he is happy to lead cats, they slink around the house, tail the charge against the term, down, avoiding eye contact. It’s just Davison is hesitant to suggest not right.” an appropriate replacement, The PRTA often refers to a study and instead calls for people in which two groups of cats were to consciously reflect on the given different casual greetings over words they’re using. the course of a week. “A new word for cat-calling? One group received cat-appropri- That’s for people to sort out themate language and tone, such as “nice selves,” says Davison. “I think they kitty,” “pretty kitty,” and the standard should really just think about the “pss-pss-pss!” effects of these words. We need to The second group was addressed be accountable [ . . . ] to our cats using terms adopted from human and their well-being. Cat-calling, cat-calling practices, like “smile, to be honest, it’s really not baby,” “nice ass,” as well as generic about the cats.” wolf-whistles and grunts. After a few days, the samples in the cat-calling group altered their behaviour. A subset of the cats isolated themselves in hard-to-reach areas, and couldn’t be drawn out by laser pointers, catnip, or even those balls with the bells inside them. The other cats quickly made themselves scarce about the lab, and reduced their regular activities (including dining and batting toy mice around) when they anticipated approaches from the

illustration by hell cat


Graphics Editor: Bradly Wohlgemuth Contact: graphics@themanitoban.com / 474.6775

Diversions

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Sports Editor: Marc Lagace Contact: sports@themanitoban.com / 474.6529

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Mascot briefs

Sports

illustration by HEATHER KAT COLE

STATSbot, staff

Bomber mascots caught in betting scandal

in exchange for a number of highly “physical” acts. Potentially the most shocking A jaw-dropping incident report revelation was a half-million-dollar was filed last week, revealing a betting ring during both the 2012 series of shocking acts performed and 2013 seasons. The blue and gold by longtime Winnipeg Blue mascots allegedly bet against their Bomber mascots Buzz and Boomer. own club, going as far as to predict a The allegations date back as far as last-place finish this past season. Neither Buzz nor Boomer were 2007, when the two comrades were reportedly involved in a $25,000 available for comment regarding the investigation. Grey Cup bet against Winnipeg. According to multiple sources, the once-admired duo managed Mick E. Moose set to to convince the team to throw die after accident the game, offering an unspecified After suffering a horrible leg amount of money to each player and coach as a result. They then injury, Mick E. Moose, the lovallegedly repeated the same act able mascot of the Winnipeg Jets, in 2011, in an effort to ensure that is scheduled to be euthanized late Winnipeg’s Grey Cup drought Thursday morning. Formerly of the Minnesota continued. Other shocking incidents Moose (IHL) and Manitoba Moose included a “friends with benefits” (AHL), the 21-year-old anthroporelationship with two Saskatchewan morphic moose had finally made it Roughrider cheerleaders during to the NHL. Feeding off the energy the 2011 season, where Buzz and of the MTS Centre crowd, Moose Boomer reportedly gave away the would choreograph his own elaboBombers’ entire offensive playbook rate dance routines for stoppages

in play. But it was on April 1, while practising at home during the Jets’ away game in Phoenix, that Moose suffered his catastrophic injury. While practising the rarely-ever-attempted cartwheel-down-the-stairs routine in the upper decks, Moose lost his balance and tumbled over the railing, landing hard on the concrete below. “His femur was completely shattered by the fall,” said veterinarian Jack Russell. “You have to remember that while he may walk and dance like a human, his bones and internal organs are all moose. His body was never designed to take such a long fall. True North could not be reached for comment. A candlelight vigil has been scheduled for Wednesday night outside the MTS Centre, organized by Moose’s closest mascot friends: Goldie, Green Drop, and Billy the Bison.

Bombers bucking wild Blue and gold hire Frankie the mule as new kicking coach Jake Mcjiggy, staff

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he Winnipeg Blue Bomber For the past three years he football organization made has been a special team’s ace for another big off-season splash, the Missouri Mavericks, of the announcing the hiring of Frankie Farmer’s Football League, going the mule as their new kicking coach. 99-for-100 in that time span. The team hopes hiring Frankie will Frankie also holds the Missouri help alleviate the record for longest issues Winnipeg Frankie’s contract field goal, successhas had over the is based on fully converting a 75-yard attempt past few years in back at the 2010 successfully con- oats and hay Marionville verting field goals. Frankie, a farm mule from Farmer’s Field Goal Challenge. While Frankie’s donkey resume Marionville, Missouri, arrives with rather impressive credentials. Along is impressive, only time will tell with helping to till the forests and whether or not his presence makes farms, Frankie has established a a difference in Winnipeg. reputation as a local hero in the Missouri football community.

CFL reacts to news of Winnipeg hosting 2015 Grey Cup Game already being referred to as “snoozefest” Steven LaStevens

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n March 26, CFL com- against a team that isn’t the Blue missioner Mark Cohon, in Bombers,” said Toronto quarterconjunction with officials from back Ricky Ray. the province and city, announced “It’ll be so quiet, I’ll have to that Winnipeg was slated to host whisper all my audibles so the other the 2015 Grey Cup festivities at team can’t hear it.” Investors Group Field. Preparations for the Grey Cup The response from teams across festivities are just getting underthe CFL has been overwhelmingly way. One of the biggest tasks will positive. Teams are chomping at involve getting lethargic, uninthe bit at the opportunity to play terested Winnipeg football fans for the Grey Cup in Winnipeg’s excited about the CFL again. brand-new stadium facilities. “It’s clear that Winnipeg fans “Oh man, this is gonna totally don’t give a shit about football anyrock. I hear Winnipeg’s sta- more,” said commissioner Cohon. dium has the biggest hot tub in “As a backup plan, we intend to the league!” tweeted Marcellus keep a cache of tickets on hand and Bowman, Hamilton Tiger-Cats distribute them to all sorts of highlinebacker and former Winnipeg level oil and pharmaceutical execuBlue Bomber. tives. We’ll wine and dine them, On top of being the first Grey and try to convince them to invest Cup played in a state-of-the-art sta- in the game.” dium since the 1989 championship In a gesture of good will, the game, played in the then-recently- Winnipeg Blue Bombers have opened SkyDome in Toronto, the reached out to fans, ensuring that game might set new records for all patrons, regardless of corporate being the quietest Grey Cup game ties, will receive the same shoddy ever played. customer service throughout the “Man, I can’t wait to play in a stadium. championship game in Winnipeg


2 April 2014  
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