A “volunteer staff” member is defined as a person who has had three volunteer articles, photographs, or pieces of art of reasonable length and/or substance published in three different issues of the current publishing year of the Manitoban. Any individual who qualifies must be voted in by a majority vote at a Manitoban staff meeting. Elected representatives and non-students may be excluded from holding votes as volunteer staff members in accordance with the Manitoban Constitution.
The Manitoban is the official student newspaper of the University of Manitoba. It is published monthly during the summer and each week of regular classes during the academic year by the Manitoban Newspaper Publications Corporation.
The Manitoban is an independent and democratic student organization, open to participation from all students. It exists to serve its readers as students and citizens.
The Manitoban has learned, through files obtained via a Freedom of Information request, that Degrees has pizza.
Documents show that the restaurant owned by the student union has been producing a catering-only “classic crust” version for years. Employees, à la Canadian Museum for Human Rights, have been placed under a strict gag order, barring them from discussing the company’s pizza policies with the press.
Restaurant manager Thomas Blumer was hesitant to divulge further details last week, refusing to give straight answers prior to a press conference being scheduled sometime in the next few days.
“I guess it depends what you mean by ‘pizza,’” he told the Manitoban
“I’m running a restaurant here, and I’m not in the business of championing every social justice cause you throw my way. Do you have any idea, the budget nightmare with pizza toppings? Other than that, I have no comment for you,” he later added, under persistent questioning.
University of Manitoba political studies professor Bartholomew Humbert Welch weighed in on the revelations, noting that sometimes campus restaurants reserve pizza for catering in order to avoid the high risks associated with the infamously cutthroat market.
“They choose to leave the everyday business of dough-twirling, cheesesprinkling, and sundried-tomatoing to those with the capital to take such gambles,” said Welch.
“Really, it makes perfect sense under the tenets of Porter’s Five Forces [ . . . ] but the ethics of withholding the product from students are dubious at best.”
“Especially when the crust rises all nice like theirs does.”
Adding fuel to the already wellfed fire, several UMSU Council
members have come forward under the condition of anonymity to admit that they have been receiving and consuming Degrees pizza at their monthly meetings all year.
Recently re-elected president Al Turnbull declined to comment on the unfolding story.
The Degrees pie is said to come in white, unmarked boxes. A range of toppings, from the banal to the bizarre—pepperoni to artichoke hearts—are amply scattered under mild mozzarella, and on top of a Domino’s-style sauce. Vegetarian options are available on request, and UMSU Council members confirmed suspicions that it is sliced into squares.
For the time being, Degrees is working with university administration on a plan to quell the discontent already beginning to bubble up within the student body.
“It’s fucking bullshit, man,” said third-year electrical engineering student Max Ferraris.
“All my buddies are so fucking choked. How many times can I get the goddamn beef burger, meanwhile the anthropology club is dining on vegan pizza at a roundtable talk with David Graeber? Bullshit.”
UManitoba Confessions has already started to see complaints pouring in. From confession #751:
“The other day when I was in Dafoe, second floor, pretending to be studying but actually checking out these four dimes studying together that I followed from the tunnels by Armes, I overheard these kids whispering about Degrees having pizza. If that is true, then I am so pissed at them for covering that up. As if going to the U of M wasn’t bad enough, you’re holding out and forcing us to resort to Pizza Pizza? C’mon, son.”
Protest is expected to reach a boiling point in the coming days.
Ask UManitoba Confessions 2.1
Dear UManitoba Confessions 2.1,
I’m a first-year female student, and I’ve managed to go the entire year without ever meeting that special someone. There is a totally cute guy in my Psychology of Anonymous Internet Relationships class, and he added me on Facebook yesterday. He keeps “poking” me on Facebook, but so far he hasn’t made a move in person. I’ve tried everything – from pleasant conversation, to humorous jokes, to just being kind and friendly. I don’t know how to get his attention. Help!
Signed,
Lonely with Longing Loins
Dear Loins, You’re going about this whole courting thing all wrong. It’s pretty obvious to me what you need to do. Are you physically attractive? Because chances are, you’re not – that’s probably why he’s not talking to you in person. He’s seen your Facebook photos (after all the Photoshop edits, of course) but when he sees you in person, he’s really turned off by your true self. Take some time to work on your appearance. You’ll want to create the aura that you’re desperately longing for sex, and your clothes and demeanour are the best way to do so. Revamp your ugly hairdo to a hot one – if you have short hair, definitely get some hair extensions. If there’s
something he can grab onto, you’re on the right track.
Slap a smile on that almostpretty face. It doesn’t hurt to wear low-cut shirts and tight pants, either. We all know that wearing yoga pants is a universally unmistakable invitation for men to stare at your ass. Bright-coloured lipstick and lots and lots of makeup will draw attention to your otherwise unattractive features, and loud, fake laughter will ring like wedding bells in his ears. You’ll feel so much better after empowering yourself with such beauty tricks.
Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Signed, UManitoba Confessions 2.1
l e t ter to the eD itor
senD your letters to eDitor@themanitoban.Com or Drop them off at 105 uniVersity Centre
Re: A response to “Can’t brag about Winnipeg anymore,” published on Power 97
Iam writing this in response to “Can’t brag about Winnipeg anymore,” a letter you posted on your website last week that was sent in by a listener.
I utterly agree with everything written. Winnipeg astonishes me on a daily basis, and not in a good way. This morning, when I tried to open my four-car garage with the automatic clapper opener, the garage door just wouldn’t budge. My hands were a little slippery from some Parisian essential oil, mind you, but it’s clear that there was a momentary lapse in electricity.
Today was a very important business day for me. I was required to pick up the CEO of Yenom Bank, and there is no way in hell I was planning on showing up via taxi, or worse, a rented car! No, today my Mercedes
was supposed to be graced with the presence of someone special.
I was left with the laborious task of opening the garage door manually.
The entire process left me with a wrinkle in my newly pressed Chanel suit. It seemed like I had hit the lowest of lows. Boy, was I ever wrong.
On my way to the airport, my Mercedes hit a pebble on the road. The noise was so loud that I’m sure I burst an eardrum. Where are the street cleaners in this disgusting city?
I used to wear Winnipeg pride on my sleeve, but now I mention the city in a whisper, since we are clearly no longer a G8 country. Your listener was so right in every way. Winnipeg is a third-world city. Examples abound.
What’s up with this chlorinated water? The government clearly doesn’t care about its citizens when it wants to add non-organic toxic chemicals to a DAILY NEED for human beings. I’m lucky to have my Fiji water bottles directly delivered to my doorstep.
Additionally, the new department stores being built in this city are shameful. I walked into Ikea on a sunny Sunday morning, only to get lost within minutes. The entire store seemed to be presented as some sort of fantasy land. How are you supposed to find the items you want to buy? And when you do find them, they are all in pieces, leaving you with the complicated task of putting everything together on your own. Where are all the personal shoppers? Erroneous!
We send our young teenagers on trips to third-world countries to build schools and “make a difference,” but it’s clear that our city has a much greater need. To my dear Sam Dogz, it’s time you stop spending all our hard-earned money on Zamboni rapid transit systems and give this city a little more spirited energy.
Moolah Mammon
City’s new rapid transit strategy revealed
Zambonis to replace plows amid catastrophic collapse in leadership
F R en C h Studley, staff
Last week city hall rolled out a new rapid transit strategy for Winnipeg. The plan entails a complete overhaul of not only the transportation system, but also how the city tackles snow clearing. The core element will see the city replace the majority of its snowplow fleet with Zambonis.
Public works minister Guiseppe Zimbonee unveiled the plan in a briefing.
“What we have here is a solution that will solve two of the city’s most pressing problems: the shortcomings of the public transportation system, and the city’s approach to snow removal,” Zimbonee told reporters.
the plan.
“That’s typical when people are confronted with something new. This is an example of some great Canadian ingenuity and innovation, and will be helpful in reducing vehicle congestion on the roads,” said Winnipeg Mayor Sam Dogz during the briefing. Opponents are calling the move a ‘catastrophic collapse in leadership.’
“It’s good for the kids” – Thomas Spleen
The first part of the plan will see a significant part of the city’s snow removal fleet re-engineered with state-of-the-art ice surfacing technology. The second part will see the city’s bus fleet scrapped, and residents’ bus passes replaced with a pair of long track speed skates.
“We thought of going with hockey skates, but that wouldn’t be as efficient. The whole point is for us to facilitate the movement of people as quickly and easily as possible,” Zimbonee told the Manitoban
When city hall watchers pointed out that this plan will undoubtedly result in slower transportation, and will potentially be just as costly for the city to maintain in infrastructure maintenance—keeping ice surfaces smooth is no easy task— councillors were quick to defend
“It’s pretty clear that there is a conflict of interest in the formulation of this plan. Not to mention that it really is a horrible and illconceived idea,” said mayoral candidate Judy Hatesfun. Dogz was rumoured to have purchased a large share in Mandong Pharmaceutical and Financial, which has a division specializing in the manufacture of Zamboni tires, and which also owns Bower hockey skates.
The city has faced major budget cuts to its snow removal and public transportation budgets, and the plan is being billed as a major cost saving. No one at city hall offered any comment about what will happen when warm temperatures arrive and skating on the roads will no longer be viable.
Thomas Spleen, former NHL player and city councillor for Elmwood/East Kildonan, spoke to the Manitoban after the briefing.
“It’s good for the kids,” said Spleen.
The city will implement the new strategy in time for summer 2015.
iLLuStRAtiON by MARbLE StEAK
Deceitful rodents face public outcry
Punishment demanded for groundhog’s lies
' t K noW W ho WR ote thi S.
don
i
D
isgruntled Winnipeggers have taken up an unconventional cause designed to overthrow what they call “a culture of lies,” perpetuated by a certain furry animal – Willow the groundhog.
Picketing outside the Assiniboine Park Zoo and Fort Whyte Alive, the group has vowed to expose the lies they feel were disseminated by one particular groundhog on Feb. 2, when the animal claimed to have seen her shadow, foretelling an early spring.
“Early spring,” protester Bert Summerton said in an exclusive interview with the Manitoban. “Early spring my ass. It looks like January outside and I have snow banks that
are taller than I am.”
Carrying signs that boasted slogans such as “Punish the furry liars” and “I wood chuck this woodchuck off the job,” the protesters were a motley group ranging from the very old to the very young.
Stu Padassole—a leader whose followers have described as “charismatic,” and “a beam of sunshine in this everlasting winter”—led the dissenters.
Padassole initiated the majority of the group’s activities, which included an interpretive dance piece inspired by the performers’ personal experiences slipping on ice, to a group chant in which the members shouted repeat-
edly, “You had one job!” to Willow. Sam Hoggart, a six-year-old Winnipegger accompanying his mother, carried a stuffed toy groundhog, which the protesters seized and ceremoniously burned outside the gates of the nature centre.
Emergency services were called to extinguish the flames, resulting in no casualties, save for the stuffed toy and Hoggart’s feelings as he watched it burn.
Willow the groundhog was unavailable for comment at press time, in spite of numerous attempts of shouting questions down the hole to her burrow.
Restrictive, arbitrary Slurpee
ban
ignites unprecedented political participation
Winnipeggers:
“Don’t tread on me!”
F R en C h Studley, staff
City crime watch
Asuspicious man was stopped for questioning at Portage Place after several reports that someone was attempting to shop at the downtown shopping destination.
“We had received reports of a man hassling employees with questions regarding cell phone accessories,” said security manager Fred Beans. “We take all matters of employee safety seriously.”
The man, whose name is being withheld by authorities due to the ongoing investigation, was reported to be on his lunch break when his
spree began.
“It’s a scary thought. What would compel someone to do that?” said a shaken witness to the attempted purchase.
Mall forensic investigators have begun to trace the suspect’s path through the shopping centre using sophisticated lasers. When asked to comment on the impact the investigation will have on the day-to-day mall operations, one merchant wasn’t concerned at all.
“I mean, most people are just here to sit in the food court or wander up
Winnipeg city council has taken a cue from New York City and has moved to enact a ban on the sale of large sugary drinks. But the move has sparked a tremendous uproar among the city’s residents.
Spontaneous “citizens’ committees” have sprung up across Winnipeg and are opposing the ban. In some more militant areas, like Transcona and the Maples, vigilante groups are occupying neighbourhood 7-Elevens and have started stocking up on the “Big Gulp” and “Super Big Gulp” drink containers.
“This is about freedom. The government is trying to take away our right to bear large drinks,” said Sara Failen, organizer of a group occupying the Mac’s convenience store on McPhillips Street.
In addition to the occupations, citizens’ groups have formed coalitions and are said to be drafting a declaration on the rights of largedrink consumers in Winnipeg.
An outpouring of support has come from a variety of different sectors of civil society. Religious groups, drag racing clubs, sporting organizations, and labour and business interests have rallied around the issue in a motley coalition, united by their opposition of the ban.
“If God didn’t want us to have large drinks, why did he create the Super Big Gulp?” asked prominent evangelist Jerry Funyuns, who now heads the group Unitarians for Upsizing.
Winnipeg has a long and illustrious history with large sugary drinks, having held the title of “Slurpee capi-
tal of the world” for many years.
The ban would limit the amount of Slurpees that Winnipeg residents could consume at one time, potentially dealing a blow to the city’s claim as Slurpee capital.
“This is not something that we are going to allow to pass without a fight. There have been issues in the past that people have rallied around—war, civil rights, marriage equality, the environment—but this is the issue of our time. We need to stand up for our rights,” said Failen.
Activists are planning a mass demonstration outside city hall in coming weeks. Organizers say acts of civil disobedience are not out of the question.
to use the third floor restroom,” said Jon Log, owner of Jon Log’s Footlong Hot Dogs stand.
“Let’s just hope this laser investigation digs up evidence to put this creep away for good, so life can go back to normal.”
If you have any information about purchases made at Portage Place, you are asked to contact Fred Beans at the mall security hotline 1-888-FRED-BEA.
iLLuStRAtiON by SNORMiN NORMAN CNORMS, SuE, NORMy, twiN #2, REStiNg bitCh FACE bARREL, ShANiQuA
iLLuStRAtiON by MARbLE StEAK
Potential UMSU scandal defused due to lack of students talking to each other
Union loses school’s valuable fossils in poker match; nobody cares
Ascandal nearly broke out this week after it was revealed that UMSU embezzled $150,000 to pay for gambling debts accrued after losing the school’s dinosaur fossils in a poker game.
However, an actual scandal failed to develop, since University of Manitoba students do not, in fact, talk to each other.
Inter-student conversation, interaction, and friend-making is at an all-time low. Though the damning evidence regarding the potential scandal is now public, the few who heard about it showed little desire to spread the word, or indeed speak to anyone outside their immediate circle, ever, for any reason. University of Manitoba students seem to not “care” about student government, or their university in general, making it difficult for a scandal—which requires both discussion and concern—to take hold.
We asked Wallace lab assistant Wyatt Jarvis, one of the first to hear about the missing fossils, who he told. “Who’d I tell? Dude, I don’t know anyone at this school.”
Helen Glass secretary Aimee Zambuski was there when the allegations were announced. She states, “I was like, ‘huh.’ Told some friends. They were like, ‘whateves.’”
At a university of over 29,000 students, only about 26 actually heard anything about the scandal. Many are UMSU employees, who explained that their friends “don’t
wanna hear ‘bout that shit.”
David Mapplethorpe is a bartender at the Hub. He stated, “Look, I’m just here for an education. I work at the school, I take class here, but I don’t care about it. Hey, are you gonna order something or what?”
When asked how he feels about the scandal, Jordie Tait, host of the hit UMFM show Afternoon Beat, stated, “Is this about the elections? Yes, voting is important!” We asked if he’d devote any of Afternoon Beat to the story. “Sorry guys, I’m all booked up this week. I’m interviewing Neil deGrasse Tyson!”
A survey conducted in University Centre on Friday asked students, “How do you feel about the UMSU scandal?” The most common responses were, “I’m just here for an education” (36 per cent), “Ugh, is this about voting?” (29 per cent), “I’m trying to study” (17 per cent), and, “No, I don’t watch Scandal ” (11 per cent).
Grad student Jinnah Jameson said, “Have I heard anything on campus? If you’re not wearing a Starbucks apron and asking what size I want my latte, I’m not gonna talk to you.”
In fact, most students we spoke to seemed ignorant about anything outside their program and immediate circle. Some departments had common reasons, like fine arts— “The real school people don’t talk to us”—and Asper: “I hate other people. Can we get rid of group
work?”
Professor Rashid Markandaya of the department of philosophy— which, apparently, exists—said the situation can be described in philosophical terms. “The U of M exists in what we would call an existential haze. The imposition of ‘the Other’ makes the individual feel like ‘Object’ rather than ‘Subject.’ But U of M students are too concerned with their Subjects to care about any Others.”
We reached bartender Mapplethorpe later and explained the scandal in full. He seemed ambivalent.
“Call me uninvolved but my life happens off campus. I’m not uninformed; I just don’t care. UMSU affects zero of my day-to-day life at the university. As long as they keep turning down that stupid U-Pass idea, I couldn’t care less who’s in charge.”
Said Mapplethorpe later, “Wait, what? They did what now?”
Update: After some digging, the Manitoban determined that the fossils lost by the gambling UMSU members are in fact a sitting professor in the department of English. When questioned about his involvement, the faculty member creaked into life: “I remember when the Manitoban was first published, right after my latest book. Are they still counting interviews with you guys as publications at performance reviews? No?”
“No comment.”
Local man outraged family on welfare maintaining decent quality of life
Alleged welfare queen flaunting wealth of groceries, time at home with young child
pto R nye G u R d, volunteer staff
Alocal resident has reportedly “had it up to here” with seeing a neighbouring family known to be “suckling at the Marxist teat” enjoying many of the same privileges that his own family enjoys. The alleged welfare queen, a single mother of two girls, is accused of flagrantly flaunting her wealth for everyone to see, and this man has had enough of her brazenly gaudy displays.
“I don’t want them to be suffering out on the street or anything like that. I just like to be able to tell the difference between us and them.”
“She doesn’t work and everybody knows it,” said local busybody Jack Knoff. “She stays home with the youngest daughter all day while the older one is at middle school. Probably spends the day playing with dolls and sipping wine and frying up grilled cheese sandwiches. You know, living the good life.”
When questioned about what was so offensive about a stay-at-home single mother, Knoff digressed. “Hey, don’t get me wrong. I know somebody has to take care of the kid, and she’s too young to go to school. I’m just saying it means that the woman clearly doesn’t work, so where is she getting her money? I think we all know the answer to that.”
“And hey, I’m an open-minded, liberal guy,” Knoff continued. “If you
need help from the government once in a while, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. But when I see her oldest mistake… I mean… daughter, showing up on the first day of school wearing the same brand of clothes as my daughter, I’ve got to question just how much money we’re giving these people.”
“Oh, and one time I saw the oldest daughter walking around with a phone of her own. A phone of her own! Can you believe it? And I swear it was the kind of phone that has the Internet on it, too. What the heck does she need the Internet for, anyway?”
Knoff added, “But the real kicker is, one time my wife saw the mother shopping at the grocery store, I kid you not, buying meat. Seriously, on welfare and she can afford meat. And not just hot dogs or something either, it was like pork chops, honest to God. What the heck is so wrong with macaroni and cheese that we need to be buying these people meat? I work for a living, and I tell you right now that my kids aren’t eating meat every night. But then that’s partly because I have a Beamer to pay for. You ever driven one of them? Man, are they ever sweet…”
Knoff then discussed his “Beamer” at length until his wife called him in for dinner. But before he followed the wafting scent of sirloin steak back into his bungalow, he left us with one final thought:
“Look, I’ve got nothing against them personally. I don’t want them to be suffering out on the street or anything like that. I just like to be able to tell the difference between us and them, that’s all.”
Wise words from a generous soul.
iLLuStRAtiON by MARbLE StEAK
University of Manitoba invades, annexes University of Winnipeg
University of Winnipeg mounts passionate but futile defence
R
on Ath A n R u FF io, volunteer staff
Tensions between the University of Manitoba and the University of Winnipeg erupted this weekend when the U of M staged a full-scale military invasion of the U of W, ultimately capturing it and claiming it as their own.
With little warning, the U of M rapidly mobilized a force of 500 highly trained students on Friday morning and marched into the U of W. The stu-
dent army forcefully occupied the classrooms and offices, declaring the school was now a part of the “University of Manitoba family.”
At dawn, president David Barnard held an emergency UMSU assembly in University Centre. “The time has come,” he announced. “Today the appendage is absorbed. Today… we fight.” UMSU executives barked orders into walkie-
talkies amidst cheers of “They’re going down!” and “They’re not a real school anyway!” as Barnard himself climbed into a helicopter and flew away through the retractable roof above the food court in University Centre.
At 10:15 a.m., a wave of commandos swarmed the U of W campus, smashing through the entrance of Centennial Hall. Armed with rulers and protractors, they swatted and poked their way past security. The engineering faculty built roadblocks at key strategic points along Balmoral and Spence. By noon, they’d seized the planned sports complex site and christened it “Investors Group Field 2.0.”
Riddell Hall’s cafeteria was captured by our own Bison hockey team. The unsuspecting U of W students—in the midst of hosting their fourth annual Fellowship Bake Sale for Palestine and Local Music—were quickly captured.
The U of W mounted a desperate defence, hurling all the frisbees, bongs, and biodegradable cups they could find. They were ultimately overwhelmed by the Asper School Army, who fired cannons of money at each building until the department was theirs.
University of Winnipeg campus
radio station CKUW mounted a passionate 12 hours of programming calling for the protection of their school, interspersed with demos from the DJ’s band. The broadcast reached over 20 listeners, a station record, but failed to mobilize the student body to action. University of Manitoba campus radio station UMFM’s exuberant coverage encouraged their fellow students to defeat the “liberal arts cockroaches.”
It is now apparent that the U of M’s years of intensive training in science, engineering, management, and physical prowess was not undertaken to build a capable work force, but to produce a capable fighting force. The militia consisted of a ground fleet of undergrads, supported by several columns of grad students, career counsellors, and associate professors. The invasion was ordered by the Board of Governors, co-ordinated by UMSU military command, and directed by the officer corps of the engineering and science faculties.
The University of Manitoba Students’ Union designated education and University 1 students as scouts, aides, and readers, claiming their smattering of random first-year classes made
them suitable for “general use.” Theatre students, though initially designated as human shields, became key leaders of several charges, bringing an energy and physicality to the invasion that was called “a lot of fun.”
By Sunday, the U of W admin offices were occupied, the UWSA was dissolved, and U of M forces officially declared the U of W annexed and absorbed into the U of M organization. University of Manitoba chancellor Harvey Secter has drawn up paperwork to formally incorporate the U of W as a constituent college. Reports state they were considering calling it the “Downtown Annex,” but wonder if that might be insensitive, since it was actually annexed.
This is the most recent time the U of M has taken such a course of action against another institution. In 2011, Collège Universitaire de SaintBoniface was invaded, ostensibly for the purpose of renaming it “Université de Saint-Boniface.” This was at the behest of the U of M’s computer science faculty, who believed it would be funny to have a university called “USB.”
iLLuStRAtiON by MARbLE StEAK
Science I guess
Weapon X attacks Winnipeg
Stuff of comic books not just fictional stories
News of people disappearing across Canada has been surfacing for weeks. Friends have been reported as missing, family members have failed to return home, and pets have been vanishing faster than the time required to cook a microwave dinner.
In addition to the disappearances, strange events have been witnessed across the country.
Sightings of men and women— and even animals!—with remarkable powers and abilities have been reported in most of the populated areas of the country. People have been documented with super strength, transformational abilities, and the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes or manipulate the laws of physics.
These people have been reported to be wreaking havoc upon cities, targeting families amidst peaceful hours of dinner and other domestic moments. Their motives are not yet clear.
there is hope. Just recently, a lead has been established on this unfortunate epidemic.
Sources, who wish to remain anonymous for safety reasons, are saying that these disappearances are in large part due to Weapon X, a top-secret government genetic research organization, run under the branch of Department K.
What is remarkable about these events is that Weapon X is featured in various Marvel comic books. As it turns out, the stuff of science fiction and comic books are actually semi-accurate examples of depicted events, disguised as entertainment to try and fool the public into believing that
method is currently favoured.
We have been able to get into contact with two survivors of the Weapon X program: Wolverine and Deadpool.
Both men are of Canadian origin, and have experienced firsthand what the organization is capable of.
Wolverine, associated with the films X-Men and The Avengers , is a mutant who was exploited by Weapon X for his rapid selfhealing abilities. The organization implanted within him a skeleton made of adamantium, a virtually indestructible metal alloy.
He was fortunately able to escape the program.
The RCMP have reported more unusual disappearances happening in Winnipeg than in any other city or community across the country
there is nothing unwholesome going on.
Winnipeg has been hit particularly hard with this phenomenon. The RCMP have reported more unusual disappearances happening in Winnipeg than in any other city or community across the country. It is still unknown as to why Winnipeg happens to be such an interesting target.
It’s estimated that an alarming 150,000 individuals have gone missing across the country in conjunction with these inexplicably strange events. About 30 per cent of the people being abducted are from Winnipeg alone. The strange disappearances have been occurring steadily for several weeks now. Safety officials have increased their policing efforts, but to no avail. People are still being abducted at an alarming rate.
Amongst the dismal havoc,
Now, dear readers (in particular those who have never picked up a comic book), allow me to enlighten you with some background information on this organization that is currently terrorizing the country.
Weapon X uses genetic engineering technology to transform people into human weapons. Their focus is on capturing people with mutant powers and enhancing those mutations, but the organization also performs experiments on non-mutant humans, where they attempt to induce new mutations.
The organization has been known to operate under two general methods of securing participants: either through voluntary consent, or through kidnapping people into participation.
It appears as though the latter
We tried to secure an interview with the mutant hero; however, he growled and bared his claws and said, “you ain’t gettin’ nothin’ out of me, bub, and you can quote me on that!”
While Deadpool was eager for the opportunity to tell his side of the story in an interview, his tendencies to flirt with all members of our staff, and make crude remarks that are too lascivious to be printed for the delicate eyes of our readers, rendered every word of our exchange unpublishable.
In addition to survivors of the Weapon X program, we also know of a survivor from the Weapon I program, one of the first initiatives to create a super soldier.
Captain America (Steve Rogers), of the Avengers, was the firstknown successful super soldier created by the program in the United States.
“We will defeat the evil brewing in this good neighbouring nation,” said Rogers, as he patriotically held his shield high, a symbol of hope in this bleak time.
Science & technology
Winnipeg scientist wins top award
Major discovery in semi-organic chemistry honoured in ceremony
Cl A i R n ett, staff
Canadian scientists gathered at the Winnipeg Convention Centre last week for the awarding of the 35th annual Nashe Medal for Research and Discovery in Canada. This year’s medal was given to Ed Reinier, associate professor of chemistry at the University of Manitoba, for his discoveries in the field of semi-organic chemistry.
Semi-organic chemistry is a field that seeks to unify the organic and
inorganic branches of chemistry.
I’m a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my antioxidants. When I get all steamed up, buffer the reaction with the addition of an agarose gel, then tip me over and pour me out. The entire reaction is then repeated at a high temperature to compare the rate of change.
This allows scientists like Reinier and his colleague Jean-Francis
Dutoit to make major insights into the materials that make up plastic pollutants. “It’s a whole other world,” said Dutoit. “We’ve really made some fascinating discoveries that have serious implications for the future of environmental policy.”
The ramifications of these discoveries are likely to have a major impact on the way factories and farms conduct their business. Old Macdonald had a farm, and his
crops have been severely damaged by a pollutant known as EI-E10l.
The U.S.’s Environmental Protection Agency considers the substance to be extremely detrimental to wildlife and plants, while as Wichita falls, so falls Wichita Falls.
“With our new process, we hope to make the lives of farmers easier and the regulation of industrial pollutants more reliable,” said Reinier. Reinier is particularly concerned with industrial pollution, which he believes to be the major factor driving climate change. For instance, ethylmethyldisodiumtetraphosphate, a chemical released by concrete plants while tonight I’m gonna have myself a real good time, I feel alive. While the chemical reacts with dust particles in the air, it also opens up your mind and lets me step inside, everybody play the game of love. This can be particularly troublesome in windy locales like Manitoba.
have degrees in chemistry. “This only goes to show the importance of public education in science,” said Reinier.
“Semi-organic chemistry is the next frontier for” – Reinier
In his acceptance speech, Reinier talked at length about the state of science education, lamenting the slow creep of ideological pseudoscience like creationism and climate change denial in schools. See, it just got political, so now we’re talking about something you think you understand. You probably feel like you’ve made some grand moral gesture or strong intellectual stand by agreeing with this totally fictional person’s totally meaningless speech. You people disgust me. Get out of here. But Reinier sees hope in the next generation.
Reinier stressed the role of his graduate and doctoral students in helping with the discoveries. “This medal is theirs as much as it is mine,” he said. This is what your understanding of science is probably like. The form of knowledge without any of the content, relevant-looking free-associated gibberish bracketed by barely acceptable opening and closing sentences like the one at the end of this paragraph. Some of you
“The truth cannot be constrained, and science is fundamentally about the truth,” he said. I’m serious, though, you people are horrible and you’re probably better off believing whatever you’re told to believe. I can’t believe you let some loathsome prissy music major spend three years acting as if he knew more about science than you – and being right. Disgraceful. Carbohydrates. Seriously.
Reinier added, “We may be able to delude ourselves for a generation, but sooner or later science will settle accounts.”
phOtO by MARtiN wALKER
Students take Winnipegology to heart
New program to study our great city debuts at U of M
pA i G e tu R ne R , staff
T
he University of Manitoba proudly announced the addition of a new program for the 2014-15 academic year. Students
will now be able to apply for a degree in the freshly-minted field of Winnipegology. Program co-ordinator Meryl
Earnasson has been teaching Canadian Studies courses for the last decade, and drew her inspiration for the program from an honours-level reading course titled “Winnipeg: Love and Hate.”
“This course was drawing students in from all disciplines—history, labour studies, entomology, agriculture, criminology, geography— really, I couldn’t pin it down to any one discipline, it was kind of like swamp water [the popular practice of mixing random flavours of Slurpee],” said Earnasson.
“I really couldn’t offer the course often enough to keep up with the demand. The value of our city is
such a hotly contested topic, and quite frankly, we are lucky to have an abundance of local experts in the field.”
The program started out as a bit of a pet project, but as Earnasson shopped it around to other programs, she saw that the study of Winnipeg was already taking place all across campus. A full week of one graphic design class was hijacked by a comparative analysis of whether the “One Great City” or the “Heart of the Continent” signs better represented the collective identity of Winnipeggers, reported Earnasson.
“Some instructors were becoming frustrated with the time it was taking up in their classrooms,” says Earnasson. “Those [instructors] who came from other cities were surprised by the amount of time we ‘Peggers spend in this kind of introspection; the richness of our analysis must have just astounded them.”
Earnasson hopes to attract more
Art dies in the winter
students by awarding credit for time spent in Winnipeg, and will allow residents to challenge the mandatory Intro to Winnipegology for credit and jump right into second-year courses, if they can prove they’re ready for it.
“It all depends on how familiar they are with the text, and so if you grew up in it, you have a pretty good idea. Just think about how much you don’t even know you that you know. Nip. Unicity. Wind chill. The Weakerthans. Cruise night. Mosquito. BTO. I could go on… are you keeping up?” says Earnasson. When asked about the unusual program name, in classic Winnipeg style, Earnasson rose up to defend it. “What, should we call it, ‘Winnipeg studies?’ That’s just awkward. We needed a name for the program that reflects our uniqueness – to demonstrate that we’re here, in the middle of the country. We’re a subject worth studying.”
Winnipeg creative types hate the winter, but look forward to expressing themselves when the trees are green
RetA h Retni W, staff
Around the world, Winnipeg is synonymous with frigid wasteland. With a mere week of hot summer, bookended by half weeks of spring and autumn, most citizens have only enough time to get a sunburn before the cold rushes back in to cool the flaking skin.
But for local artists, it’s truly the short, sweltering summer that fuels their imaginations.
“I never touch my piccolo as long as there’s snow on the ground,” says world-renowned musician Kyla Bees.
“My last album was written, recorded, and mixed all between Jazz Fest and Folk Fest.”
“Sure, it’s hard to check out all the festivals and practise my art, but the effort is totally worth it,” says Bees.
“I got some really good work done while Folklorama was going on, and
Real Canadian history
very year students across North America complain, “Why isn’t there a White History Month?” The University of Manitoba is proud to announce that they will be the first to answer the growing cry for equality.
Talks on the work of John A. MacDonald, the establishment of Canada, and the historical traitor Louis Riel will fill the month, and free sandwiches made with grade A bologna on Wonderbread will be offered in University Centre every day.
“I’m just so proud that our school will be the first to respect real diversity,” says first-year student Nathin Ried. “Next
I hope that our city will consider a straight pride parade.”
As mentioned on the UManitoba Confessions 2.1 Facebook page, many students are also outraged that First Nations students get discounted educations – sometimes they can earn entire degrees for free. First-year engineering student Trevor Robinson hopes that the new White History Month will at least place some validity on the education of First Nations students.
“I just don’t even see the use to [First Nations students] getting degrees from our schools if they aren’t going to learn about the history of the country they’re
living in,” says Robinson. “If anything, maybe it would help some of them get jobs.”
Métis student Anida Fontaine says she is interested in what the month has to offer.
“I have learned so much about my own history already,” says Fontaine. “Like really, it’s almost overly accessible. I’m kind of over it.”
Get ready students, because the firstever White History Month is coming to the University of Manitoba campus this October, just in time to get us in the real spirit of Thanksgiving.
all through MEME and the Fringe the creative juices just flowed.”
The album, a selection of covers of folk-rock troubadours the Byrds, is number one on campus radio in the city.
“The Byrds and the Bees really encapsulates the heart of the music scene in the city,” says Winnipeg DJ Jack Squats of the multi-platinum, Heraaward-winning album.
“Each tune really focuses on something intrinsic to the experience of a beautiful warm day. Being outdoors in flip-flops, lazy afternoons in the park throwing a non-brand-name disc around, or swimming in the clear water of the Red River. That’s what this city is all about.”
Bees isn’t alone in packing a year of creativity into the Week of 1,000 Festivals, as summertime is com-
monly known in the city.
“How could we possibly find any energy to practise our craft if we’re just fighting to stay alive in a blizzard that lasts almost 365 days?” asks local filmmaker Buddy Gladdin. Gladdin, whose early films include Tales from an Arborg Petting Zoo, made it big in 2010. That was the year his feel-good summer romance comedy, The Happiest Music in the World, was released. It received a five-star rating from Sisqo and Biebert, and has a 98 per cent rating on Fermented Apples.
“If I can’t see the sidewalk, and if I can’t go outside in a t-shirt and shorts, then I just can’t believe the cinematic muse would even look at me, let alone have the motivation to enter my presence in this meat locker of a hometown,” says Gladdin.
iLLuStRAtiON by MARbLE StEAK
iLLuStRAtiON by hELL CAt
LLuStRAtiON by SCOtt FORd
An end to cat-calling?
Animal rights activist hopes to banish misleading term, protect felines from abuse
SA m d o G z, staff
While some may stand behind the old adage “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” there is growing recognition of the long-lasting effects of our words on others.
Barney Davison, of People for the Respectful Treatment of Animals (PRTA), believes that we need to rethink the words that we’re using – not just for humans, but for our fourfooted friends as well.
Davison believes that we need to
“I’ve seen some cats, they just slink around the house, tail down, avoiding eye contact. It’s just not right” Barney Davison
put an end to cat-calling, and find a better word for this practice. He worries that this nomenclature encourages people to verbally abuse cats, and wants to separate humans’ nasty habits from the feline realm.
“This thing we call cat-calling involves giving what would be, in words, maybe a compliment or just a comment, but in the tone of voice, the social context, in what we know of power relations [ . . . ] it’s not so different from the animal kingdom. It’s an act of dominance, or a threat,” observes Davison.
“Cat-calling doesn’t actually show
you how to call a cat, respectfully. The thing we know as ‘cat-calling,’ it’s just not an acceptable way to approach a real, actual, flesh-and-blood cat.”
Davison and the PRTA are concerned that if this human-modelled behaviour was used towards cats, it could have incredibly damaging psychological effects on them over the long term.
“We don’t want young people getting the wrong idea. I mean, talk to a cat like that, it could stick with them for days, weeks. I’ve seen some cats, they slink around the house, tail down, avoiding eye contact. It’s just not right.”
The PRTA often refers to a study in which two groups of cats were given different casual greetings over the course of a week.
One group received cat-appropriate language and tone, such as “nice kitty,” “pretty kitty,” and the standard “pss-pss-pss!”
The second group was addressed using terms adopted from human cat-calling practices, like “smile, baby,” “nice ass,” as well as generic wolf-whistles and grunts. After a few days, the samples in the cat-calling group altered their behaviour.
A subset of the cats isolated themselves in hard-to-reach areas, and couldn’t be drawn out by laser pointers, catnip, or even those balls with the bells inside them. The other cats quickly made themselves scarce about the lab, and reduced their regular activities (including dining and batting toy mice around) when they anticipated approaches from the
“cat-calling” scientists. the charge against the term, Davison is hesitant to suggest an appropriate replacement, and instead calls for people to consciously reflect on the words they’re using.
That’s for people to sort out them selves,” says Davison. “I think they should really just think about the effects of these words. We need to be accountable [ . . . ] to our cats and their well-being. Cat-calling, to be honest, it’s really not about the cats.”
iLLuStRAtiON by hELL CAt
Mascot briefs
S tAt Sbot, staff
Bomber mascots caught in betting scandal
A jaw-dropping incident report was filed last week, revealing a series of shocking acts performed by longtime Winnipeg Blue Bomber mascots Buzz and Boomer. The allegations date back as far as 2007, when the two comrades were reportedly involved in a $25,000 Grey Cup bet against Winnipeg.
According to multiple sources, the once-admired duo managed to convince the team to throw the game, offering an unspecified amount of money to each player and coach as a result. They then allegedly repeated the same act in 2011, in an effort to ensure that Winnipeg’s Grey Cup drought continued.
Other shocking incidents included a “friends with benefits” relationship with two Saskatchewan Roughrider cheerleaders during the 2011 season, where Buzz and Boomer reportedly gave away the Bombers’ entire offensive playbook
in exchange for a number of highly “physical” acts.
Potentially the most shocking revelation was a half-million-dollar betting ring during both the 2012 and 2013 seasons. The blue and gold mascots allegedly bet against their own club, going as far as to predict a last-place finish this past season.
Neither Buzz nor Boomer were available for comment regarding the investigation.
Mick E. Moose set to die after accident
After suffering a horrible leg injury, Mick E. Moose, the lovable mascot of the Winnipeg Jets, is scheduled to be euthanized late Thursday morning.
Formerly of the Minnesota Moose (IHL) and Manitoba Moose (AHL), the 21-year-old anthropomorphic moose had finally made it to the NHL. Feeding off the energy of the MTS Centre crowd, Moose would choreograph his own elaborate dance routines for stoppages
in play.
But it was on April 1, while practising at home during the Jets’ away game in Phoenix, that Moose suffered his catastrophic injury. While practising the rarely-ever-attempted cartwheel-down-the-stairs routine in the upper decks, Moose lost his balance and tumbled over the railing, landing hard on the concrete below.
“His femur was completely shattered by the fall,” said veterinarian Jack Russell.
“You have to remember that while he may walk and dance like a human, his bones and internal organs are all moose. His body was never designed to take such a long fall.
True North could not be reached for comment.
A candlelight vigil has been scheduled for Wednesday night outside the MTS Centre, organized by Moose’s closest mascot friends: Goldie, Green Drop, and Billy the Bison.
Bombers bucking wild
Blue and gold hire Frankie the mule as new kicking coach
JAK e mCJ i GGy, staff
The Winnipeg Blue Bomber football organization made another big off-season splash, announcing the hiring of Frankie the mule as their new kicking coach. The team hopes hiring Frankie will help alleviate the issues Winnipeg has had over the past few years in successfully converting field goals.
Frankie’s contract is based on oats and hay
Frankie, a farm mule from Marionville, Missouri, arrives with rather impressive credentials. Along with helping to till the forests and farms, Frankie has established a reputation as a local hero in the Missouri football community.
For the past three years he has been a special team’s ace for the Missouri Mavericks, of the Farmer’s Football League, going 99-for-100 in that time span. Frankie also holds the Missouri record for longest field goal, successfully converting a 75-yard attempt back at the 2010 Marionville Farmer’s Field Goal Challenge.
While Frankie’s donkey resume is impressive, only time will tell whether or not his presence makes a difference in Winnipeg.
CFL reacts to news of Winnipeg hosting 2015 Grey Cup
Game already being referred to as “snoozefest”
Steven lA Steven S
On March 26, CFL commissioner Mark Cohon, in conjunction with officials from the province and city, announced that Winnipeg was slated to host the 2015 Grey Cup festivities at Investors Group Field.
The response from teams across the CFL has been overwhelmingly positive. Teams are chomping at the bit at the opportunity to play for the Grey Cup in Winnipeg’s brand-new stadium facilities.
“Oh man, this is gonna totally rock. I hear Winnipeg’s stadium has the biggest hot tub in the league!” tweeted Marcellus Bowman, Hamilton Tiger-Cats linebacker and former Winnipeg Blue Bomber.
On top of being the first Grey Cup played in a state-of-the-art stadium since the 1989 championship game, played in the then-recentlyopened SkyDome in Toronto, the game might set new records for being the quietest Grey Cup game ever played.
“Man, I can’t wait to play in a championship game in Winnipeg
against a team that isn’t the Blue Bombers,” said Toronto quarterback Ricky Ray.
“It’ll be so quiet, I’ll have to whisper all my audibles so the other team can’t hear it.”
Preparations for the Grey Cup festivities are just getting underway. One of the biggest tasks will involve getting lethargic, uninterested Winnipeg football fans excited about the CFL again.
“It’s clear that Winnipeg fans don’t give a shit about football anymore,” said commissioner Cohon.
“As a backup plan, we intend to keep a cache of tickets on hand and distribute them to all sorts of highlevel oil and pharmaceutical executives. We’ll wine and dine them, and try to convince them to invest in the game.”
In a gesture of good will, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers have reached out to fans, ensuring that all patrons, regardless of corporate ties, will receive the same shoddy customer service throughout the stadium.
