Community Distant Family Member Program to Offer Uncomfortable Interactions, $15 Stipends

After the success of Middlebury’s Community Friends program, the group is expanding with a new initiative: Community Distant Family Member. While the friends program creates a support system for young citizens of Middlebury, this offshoot program would instead provide family-like support networks for college students.

“Since I started attending Middlebury College, I’ve really missed that familial yet emotionally repressed connection,” says Emogen Eration ‘24. “I am so glad to find that in the Community Distant Family Member program.”

The organization allows for many valuable opportunities such as invasive conversations about “when you’re going to bring kids into this world” and Hallmark birthday cards with a signature and $15 cash.

To adequately serve the Middlebury student body, Counseling Services and the Center for Community Engagement have teamed up to collect an eccentric bunch of middleaged locals that fit the following criteria: mildly off putting, highly skilled in uncomfortable small talk, and the ability to linger in tightly wound hugs.

During training, ‘family members’ are educated in alarming detail on the personal lives of students to ensure accurately agonizing conversation topics. Some concern has been voiced about the lack of supervision and the requirement of sharing your location, but as Shidivorced Mi, the program’s spokesperson explained, “The fear of being in their presence just makes the experience feel all the more genuine.”

“I am overjoyed to meet my little rascals,” says new community family member Richard “Uncle Dickey” Hanson. “Last time I saw them they were yea high! And by that I mean absolutely tripping balls.”

The program’s announcement has the campus buzzing with excitement. Dining Services is currently planning new themed menus, such as “Weekend at Dad’s,” which will feature familiar treats such as a tepid bowl of ramen and a can of olives. Facilities is also hard at work to bring back the Adirondack chairs just in time for students to give their community distant family member a foot rub accompanied by middleaged grunts of pleasure.