In Response to Active Shooter Threat, Public Safety Reaffirms College Policy of Inaction

In light of the recent active shooter threat, Middlebury’s Department of Public Safety has announced that, had there actually been a shooter, they would only have engaged if he had parked in a faculty spot, or was holding an open alcoholic beverage.

“Had the shooter been caught drinking underage, we would have leisurely walked over to offer to hold his AK47 while he poured his beverage out,” Julian “Little Chief” Skidmore, a rookie PubSafe officer, told the Noodle. “We would then have issued a citation, recommended that he meet with a substance abuse counselor, and gone on our merry way.”

The college’s relaxed approach to campus security may come as a surprise to students, prospective students, and their families. However, the administration and PubSafe have remained firm in that even if they had the surveillance to know of a dangerous situation, their policy is to assume the best and prepare for it, too.

“In fact, at first, when we heard that there was potentially fire in Davis, we assumed it would be of the bonfire variety, not the bullet variety. Our one officer who is up past 10 rubbed his hands together in glee at the idea of issuing a burn permit citation and moseyed on over. Imagine his surprise when he saw the Vermont SWAT team! Poor guy had even brought along his favorite s’mores stick.”

Upon facing criticism for the delay in getting a warning out despite the robust testing of the emergency messaging system earlier this month, officers and administrators alluded to the hierarchical bureaucratic nightmare through which text must pass.

“We really tried our best to get a warning out, “ said Officer Skidmore, when pressed. “But we had to send the draft emergency message to the Vice President of DEI, and then to the Council on Community Relations, and then through the Police Liaison Office, and finally to the Creative Writing department, who were unavailable as all their desks are in Davis. It’s just standard protocol. We have emergency alerts for things like candles indoors, strong aromas of marijuana, broken signs, shattered windows at the bike shop—you know, real threats.”

SKILES ROBERTS-SALVADOR Hot Dog

DAVID FACTOR Genuine Schlub

LUCAS FLEMMING Jive Turkey

PATRICK HENDERSON Active Listener

CAROLINE HARDING Helping More Kids

CECE CALDWELL AK Pelletier’s Ghost Writer