Tees Bally Fibber by Sixth Element

BY DEAN WILKINSON FOREWORD BY HARRY HILL

www.teesbally.co.uk

THE PRE SS

www.wilkinsonpress.co.uk

The Tees Bally Fibber Volume 1

Dedicated to my late father, who should have picked me up half an hour ago. Raymond Earle Wilkinson 26th November 1929 – 4th July 1985. York’s finest. With thanks to: Graeme Wilkinson and Gillie Hatton of Sixth Element Design and Marketing, Radio Teesdale, TFM, Harry Hill, Richard Dolan, Jan Wilkinson, The Evening Gazette, Rob Nichols of Fly Me To The Moon, and Alex Lewczuk of Southside Broadcasting.

The Wilkinson Press www.wilkinsonpress.co.uk Copyright © Dean Wilkinson 2009 The Author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work. ISBN 9780956275011 Typeset by Sixth Element • www.6e.net Cover illustration by Graeme Wilkinson All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

FOREWORD BY HARRY HILL I will never forget the first time I met Dean Wilkinson, I was a young reporter eager to make a name for myself and the Tees Bally Fibber was my local paper, if you didn’t mind the three hundred mile walk. I was ushered into his office, he sat there taking a deep toke on a bottle of Tippex which he gently heated from below with a Zippo lighter. Photocopies of the various stories he’d broken adorned the walls: ‘Thornaby Chap Who Ate Wife Is Ordered To Vomit In Grave’ and ‘Man Who Swang Cat Around By Tail Was Trying To Show How Small His Living Room Was’ and so forth. He slung me a typewriter and a concise English dictionary and said, ‘Type that out!’ It took me 18 months to get as far as ‘F’ then I remembered what I’d come in for. I’d wanted to meet the man behind the Tees Bally Fibber and

thank him for changing my life. Born a soft southerner, and at an angle of 45 degrees, I knew little of the North East outside a few moments snatched in front of ‘When The Boat Comes In’. Then, a local Bloater salesman smuggled a copy of the Tees Bally ‘darn sarf’, laundering it through the Watford Gap services as a maxi pack of crisps. Me, and a few other southerners - Camilla Parker Bowles, Trevor Macdonald (the burger magnate), and the Duke of Monmouthshire - passed that copy round till the pages were dog eared and folded like an origami expert’s laundry. Until Jamie Oliver stepped in and banned crisps altogether. But not before I’d got a handle on what makes the North East tick... now, thanks to Dean Wilkinson, I am now able to converse fully with Ant and Dec. Thanks Dean, I owe you one. HARRY HILL

TEES BALLY FIBBER

GOT THE BASTARD! A rare albino squirrel, occasionally sighted in the woodland areas of Preston Park, has finally been brought down. Keen animal hater Pete Bog saw the ridiculous creature whilst out tormenting peacocks at the park last weekend.

‘It was looking bright eyed and bushy tailed as it skipped merrily amid the branches. Like it owned the bloody place. So I took aim with my miniature Swiss army crossbow and shump!, I got the bastard right through the chest!,’ he told us.

The little git squirrel, before it was taken down

A spokesman for the Wildlife Trust commended Mr Bog for his sharp shooting as the squirrel was a show-off, bigheaded tosser.

THE HEADS TODAY B.N.P. Elects First Black Candidate Teesside Crossing Lady Suspended After Beheading ‘Cheeky Get’ Kids With Especially Sharpened Lollipop ‘Dogs That Don’t Kill Cats Are Homos’ Claims Stockton Vet Tees Nuns Bustiest in Europe! Kalashnikov Found In Baby Milk Isn’t Such A Big Deal Says Manufacturer

TEES BALLY FIBBER

Council rodent exterminator branded ‘cruel’ for breaking rodent hearts This, in turn, would lead to feelings of anguish and pointlessness which would shut down their vulnerable little systems. In effect they would die of sorrow.

A council rat catcher has been suspended after it was revealed he destroyed rats and mice by breaking their hearts. Hugh Jars would spend hours chatting up rodents and telling them how much he loved them. He would leave cards and presents for the vermin like expensive cheeses. He was even spotted carrying boxes full of rats into cinemas and restaurants – giving them a wonderful evening – before dropping the bombshell that

A mouse thinking about ending it all, yesterday.

it was all over! The feelings of betrayal and hurt would crush the rodents’ self confidence causing massive self doubt.

Mr Jars told us this was an old gypsy method of dealing with rats and mice dating back to the plague days. The Council are thought to be opting for a more humane method of pest control, a machine gun. ‘It’s quicker, safer and sounds cool,’ a Council 10-year-old told us.

REUNITED AFTER 20 YEARS IN SAME HOUSE! Two long lost brothers from Saltburn have been tearfully reunited despite both living in the same house for over 20 years. Bill (66) and Benny Divot (69), twins, apparently just kept missing one another. ‘It’s laughable when you think about it,’ said Bill, ‘I’d go out and within minutes he’d come in, and vice versa.’

Benny told us he did wonder if the house was haunted because he likes the sofa by the door but every time he came back in it would be by the window. Bill thought the same thing. Both men had the

Bill and Benny Divot – lost each other again

backbreaking effort of moving the sofa five or six times a day. The brothers only bumped into one another when Benny came home earlier than usual from the pub because someone gave him a lift.

TEESSIDE MAGISTRATES URGE YOU TO GET THE WELLY DOWN Teesside Magistrates Court are hoping for a good few speeding convictions today

as they have nearly enough fine-funds for a new coffee machine. A spokeswoman said,

‘Just a couple more and we can get a smart one that does lattes, imagine that!’

TEES BALLY FIBBER

MODERN ARMY IS FOR LITTLE GIRLS Ex-squaddy speaks out against how soldiers today have it easy! A Teesside man is claiming today’s army is a haven for weeds and wimps who wouldn’t have lasted five minutes when he was in the armed forces. Mr Alan Scrote, 34 told us he is disgusted by milksop new recruits moaning about bullying. ‘In my day we had to bully ourselves. I once shoved my own head down the toilet and hid my own uniform from myself. It’s par for the course when you’re a squaddie. Get over it.’

could disassemble a tank and reassemble it in less than a day – stark naked – with the Sgt Major constantly menacing you with a stick that’d been dipped in dog dirt. And quite often we’d be sent on manoeuvres to the moon – with only the air in our jumpers to breathe.’

Mr Scrote - army dreamer - yesterday

for morale. ‘Some of the games we got up to would have modern squaddies wetting their boots. Every Saturday night we’d play Machine Gun My Legs where we would literally “In my day we had to bully He admits training machine gun can be gruelling but ourselves. I once shoved my each others legs. it’s supposed to make own head down the toilet..” We played quieter a man of you, like it games too. Like Kerdid with him. ‘We had Plunk. Obviously we used glass, with live pumas on to eat chemical weapons strings being swung across a bomb instead of a ball.’ for breakfast everyday the square at them. ‘Boy We checked Mr Scrote’s to build up our immune those cats can bite. A mate credentials and could find system and became of mine got his head bitten no record of him ever impervious to them.’ clean off. He just picked serving in Her Majesty’s He also claimed he was it up and, in a Tweety Pie Armed Forces. He said, trained to sleep wide voice, said I tawt I taw a ‘Of course you won’t it’s awake as there were puttytat. He then put his classified innit. If any several Japanese snipers head under his arm and foreign enemy found out hidden in the barracks carried on marching. I was where I lived my life could ready to pick off anyone bad laughing, me.’ be in perilous mortal clear who nodded off. ‘I slept and present danger.’ We’d Mr Scrote said the Army wide awake for ten long like to thank Mr Scrote top brass were very keen years. Still do,’ he laughed. of 6 The Garstang, for recruits to bond as ‘You weren’t considered Coulby Newham for a regiment and hi-jinks a full solider unless you this interview. were always important He went on to say that square bashing, or marching practice, was made all the more difficult because they had to do it in bare feet, on broken

TEES BALLY FIBBER

QUICK NEWS

S.S.M.A. MEET The monthly meeting of the Stockton Strange Men Association will meet by the town hall clock tonight at 7.30 and will wander around the town worrying children and single women. ARSON ABOUT Top Teesside Fire Starter Harriet Arson will be out and about tonight setting light to wheelie bins and adventure playgrounds to raise awareness of our under funded and over burdened fire brigades. ANOTHER PENSIONER SLIPPER-JACKED 89 year old Farrah Jeans of Guisborough had her slippers stolen from her feet as she watched the snooker yesterday in her own home. She was left with her feet jacked up on two sets of house bricks. KIDDY CLEAR OUT Barnardos is asking people who no longer want their children to donate them by dumping them at one of their charity shops. Please wash the children and fill with Sugar Puffs first.

Dawn Raids to sue

Dawn peering through our window very early this morning to prove a point.

A woman with the unfortunate name of Dawn Raids is suing the police after her life has been turned into a living cak-mare of mockery.

‘I’m sick of people at work say things like Oooh, Dawn, you got another bunch of burglars this morning, you stupid getting-upearly idiot, you.

More and more early morning forced entries of suspected burglars’ houses are hitting the headlines and poor Mz Raids is getting the golden-soup ripped out of her as a consequence.

‘Why can’t the Police call these raids Early Doors Chav Napping, or something? People are cruel. I just hope there’s never another war because my daughter Ayr will suffer too.’

IT’S A 4-KING RECORD! A Middlesbrough labourer has entered the Guinness Book Of Records for adding the most expletives to one single sentence.

What should have been a simple 9 word assertion – ‘We are going to MacDonalds, I am very hungry’ – was elongated to a 72 word barrage of meaningless swear words, needlessly foul nouns, adjectives and verbs, with crass, sexually explicit punctuation.

Mr Rob ‘Robbo’ Robinson (21) yesterday issued a short statement upon hearing of the record – which he is still issuing as it’s got that many expletives in it.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

HEIFER EMOTIONALLY SCARRED BY REMARK

A young heifer has been awarded £66,000 in damages after a farmer commented she is developing into a ‘big fat cow.’ The heifer, Daisy Moo Jones of Bickertwit Farm, Yarm, was said to be emotionally scarred for life after the heartless, sexist remarks made by Farmer Douglas Buggerlugs two years ago, a tribunal heard.

Daisy Moo, yesterday

Daisy told us, ‘This is a victory for bovine rights. We cows have feelings too and deserve better treatme ---,’ her words were cut short as the abattoir assistant’s bolt tore through her head.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

GADGET CORNER With Dav Ross

David Ross is the Tees Bally Fibber’s new science and technology correspondent. Not because he’s particularly knowledgeable on the subject, mainly because he’s a cripple and we want to be seen as representing minorities. And he’s very aggressive. ‘Modern life is rubbish’, as Blur once said. Before they started making good records. And it’s true! We might think our white goods and gadgets are making life easier for us, but they’re actually having the reverse effect. So before we all get so fed up and stressed with unreliable technology that we go out slashing horses, here’s my advice for improving 21st century living. Mobile phone memory low? If your phone’s memory is jam packed with funny pictures, wanking frog ring-tones and brilliant racists jokes, don’t delete any, there’s no need! Place the entire handset into the mouth of a child under five years old and seal it shut with gaffer tape. Then ring your own number 3 times from a friend’s handset. The child’s brainwaves are absorbed into your phone’s own memory expanding it at least twice. The child may lose some of his or her memory. And hair. So tell them it’s a game or something. Lap top not finding the router? Sometimes a lap top needs a little helping hand to find the router signal and no amount of shaking and swearing at it is going to help. Simply dowse the laptop in lighter fluid and set fire to it. When all of the fluid has burned off the internal clockwork mechanisms will have expanded with the heat and be working at 200% their normal capacity. You’ll soon be on those free porn sites! DVD freeze? It’s so annoying when a DVD suddenly stops midplay and you haven’t accidentally sat on the pause button. It’s frozen! Now you’re going to have to take it out, put it back in, sit through all those bloody warnings again, and adverts for films with Jennifer bloody Aniston in that you’re never ever going to watch, and find the bit you were up to!

To stop it happening again, smear the DVD with thick piccalilli and toast it until fully dried. Then gently chip away the dried condiment and the disc will be 100% playable. Your own excrement is just as good, but not as hygienic. And let’s face it, if it’s the film Ghost Town there’s already enough shit on the disc. Lost your car? As all cars are now silver, it’s increasingly difficult to find your own parked vehicle in a sea of other silver sods and your remote control key isn’t strong enough to locate the blooming thing for you! Unless, you shove the key up your arse and depress it by clenching your cheeks. Then, point determinedly in every direction until you see your car lights flash. Your innards amplify the key fob’s carcinogenic signal exponentially making your body a powerful radio mast. You can now open your car from a thousand miles away! Lazy checkout girls? You’ve got a trolley full of food, screaming kids, and you’re dying for a piss. You could really do with the checkout girl to pack your stuff for you but they always come out with that dead-ended question don’t they? ‘Are you alright with your packing?’ Even saying ‘no’ and they pretend you’ve said no to any help. The bitches. Simply take out your supermarket loyalty card, put it under your bottom lip and bend it. Then say, ‘Alright me flicking phlegm in your face?’ Then make guttural, lung-oyster summoning noises. Hopefully the subtle irony won’t be lost on them and they will pack your bags for you. If it’s a bored young lad just smack the bastard in the face. What’s he going to do about it? You reading this Tesco, Ingleby Barwick?!

TEES BALLY FIBBER

Hoax caller sentenced to death - not! He thought he’d only receive a severe ticking off, perhaps even a hefty fine, but for 27-year-old Paul Cineworld of Hartburn, when the judge donned a black cap and sentenced him to death by hanging, he not only lost his breakfast – and a perfectly good pair of boxers – but his mind.

Paul was up at Teesside Crown Court for jokingly phoning an estate agents claiming he’d just killed and eaten their employee by mistake. The hoax call, which came after a viewing of a property in Ingleby Barwick, was made in defiance of the company being ‘a little light’ with true facts about the house. They said it was nice.

In retaliation Paul rang up and claimed Maureen Showcase of Knock, Dover & Killed Estate Agents had been murdered and devoured after being mistaken for a Cornish pasty – because of her strong Cornish accent. However, when the case came to light Judge Elaine Blockbuster-Rental pretended to sentence Paul to death as a punishment. For a giggle. ‘His face was a picture!,’ laughed the court usher, ‘And you could hear him ruining his knickers. He went incredibly pale and just stood blubbering incoherent nonsense about mummy and God. I think his mind snapped. Ha!’

Paul, being humorously jibed, yesterday.

Even when Judge Blockbuster-Rental burst out laughing and said, ‘How it’s feel now the glove’s on the other foot, clever clogs!,’ Paul remained blubbing, shaking and staring into thin air. He’s still like that, 14 days later. Psychiatrists say he may never recover, which means the brilliant gag will go on indefinitely.

FALL’S ECONOMY

DIY expert, and unjustly smug twat, Jack Fall gives us his top 5 tips for recycling

1) Farmers, your old cows and pigs can be recycled as burgers and sausages.

weapons for throwing at people you hate. Like Journey South for example.

2) Made too much toast? Don’t throw it out, write a nice message on a slice in food colouring and post it to someone as a goodwill card.

4) Rotten fruit mushed up makes an ideal paste for warding off the black death. Smear some on your back.

3) Journey South cds make great

5) Dog dead? Hollow it out to make a fetching hat.

REMEMBER THE THREE R’s - Recycle, Recycle, Ricicles!

TEES BALLY FIBBER

TWO MORE SUSPECTED ITCHY ASS CAMEL RASH CASES Forget Mad Cow Disease or Bird and Swine Flu, Britain now has a shocking 78 reported cases of Itchy Ass Camel Rash.

Last night 2 more people were admitted to Thomas Cook Hospital & Travel Agent with un-scratchable itchy bottoms. A rare two headed camel, yesterday. Or possibly two camels next to one another.

Sufferers develop an itchy rear that no

manner of violent scratching can cure. The constant need to scratch leaves their posteriors red raw. Itchy Ass Camel Rash is thought to have begun in Egypt by tourists sharing dirty camels. Government officials fear there could be a pandemic of itchy bottoms by the end of this sentence.

THE HEADS TODAY Nazis Call The Council : ‘We’re A Minority, Crawl Round Us Too!’ Middlesbrough Council Critisised For Putting Grangetown On Ebay. New Police Sniffer Dolphins Useless Claims C.I.D. Officer

Nurses Deny Being In Ibiza When 143 Patients Died In One Week

TEES BALLY FIBBER

HELPING HAND ANDY FACES JAIL ‘It’s political correctness gone mad’ claim the good folk of Saltburn as one of their kindest residents, Handy Andy Rangoon, was arrested and carted away by the Police for nothing more than keeping community spirit alive.

Andy (42) has been selflessly helping out local pensioners for 10 years now – whether the codgers want his help or not - by cutting down trees in their gardens, shooting cats, and beating up kids who harass old folk – and never charges a penny! ‘Well, perhaps a cup of tea now and again,’ said the kind hearted soul

house and uncovered an Aladdin’s cave of old people’s belongings. ‘Old folk are proud. They don’t want to offer handouts to those who help them. That’s why I secretly took something from each old person I helped,’ Andy explained.

The new Cleveland Police logo, probably! (Actually we did this on Photoshop. We did a course at the Uni.)

and ex-con via his lawyer last night. Yesterday, the final nail in the coffin of neighbourly feelings was hammered in by politically correct, immigrant loving Police as they raided Andy’s

Tellies, DVD players, pension books, and all manner of jewellery were found stashed in Mr Rangoon’s house. ‘It’s scandalous! Community spirit has dropped by 57% since Andy’s arrest,’ said one furious resident. His mum. The crime rate has dropped by a similar percentage too.

British Bobbies are only allowed one arrest a year now, and that doesn’t count unless they’re wearing condoms! Blood and swash, that’s really going to help the crime rate. Not! Can you believe it!

I tell it like it is! Straight talking with no bovine excrement. So they’re letting the homeless and gypsies and Polish immigrants have free holidays on the moon now. Blood and swash! How long before it’s cripples holidaying on the sun! For free! What a sorry state of affairs!

They’re giving bear meat to our kids in schools now! Bears have no nutritional values and they’re pumped full of hormones before they shoot them. Blood and swash, our school children are going to grow tits! Damn this government! Single mothers are getting their benefits paid in sunbed tokens now. No change there then.

More ‘straight to the pointless’ with Manfred next time.

from? Professor Husk is a child prodigy in trivia. TEES BALLY FIBBER

Bossy Wife Amnesty

Nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag! If that’s all you hear from your wife then it’s time you handed her over to the Police.

Dear Professor Husk, How do aeroplanes stay up in the sky? And if they ran out of fuel would they just stay up there? Andrew Fish aged 34 and 5 quarters, Billingham. Professor Husk Says… Ho ho, what a great couple of questions, Andrew. Aeroplanes use clouds as a form of propulsion. They have a large metal mouth at the front of the plane which eats clouds as it flies high in the sky. The clouds then go into the plane’s tummy, or the fuselage, where millions of mechanical fingers tickle the cloud until it sneezes. The force of the sneeze is fired out of the back of the plane, or the botty, and this propels the plane forward. This system requires many clouds that’s why you never see a plane fly on a clear day, because – in answer to your second question – they would run out of fuel and yes, they’d stay up there until a cloudy day came along. More from the knowledgeanious Professor next issue – or alternatively you can always find him in the Griffin Pub, Thornaby, asleep in the corner.

Cleveland Police have set up drop off points around the region in the shape of skips (or Harridan Bins) where know-it-all, yap yap spouses can be dumped ready for collection. Ring your local station for details.

THIS WEEK: TEESSIDE

Eye poppingly amazing facts about Teesside with Woodrow Chump

DID YOU KNOW the very first takeaway on Teesside opened in 1876 in Marton and sold only snack sized portions of salt in small paper cups. It was an instant hit with teenagers who enjoyed casting the empty cups into the street and that’s how littering was born. DID YOU KNOW Middlesbrough was originally called Ironopolis because the

first decorative ironing board covers were invented there. DID YOU KNOW there is an ancient by-law, still in effect in some rural areas of Teesside, that states it is illegal to steal God’s sunshine. Anyone with a solar panel in Great Ayton, for example, can face burning at the stake. My ex-wife lives there and she’s got a solar panel! More eye popping facts with Woodrow next time… he’s drunk.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

Paper boy admits to rewriting headlines to worry residents A vindictive paper boy has been sacked after admitting doctoring news headlines on the front pages of the papers he’d delivered to ‘worry the hell out of people.’ Reece Lightning, (10) of Sedgefield, altered headlines with Tipex and a black biro before pushing the bogus broadsheets into people’s houses.

THE S.S.M.A. ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING REPORT The Stockton Strange Men Association held its annual general meeting last night in a skip behind the swimming baths. Here are the minutes of the meeting. THE OFFICIAL ‘STRANGE MAN’ 10 THINGS TO MUMBLE TO YOURSELF ON THE BUS TO WORRY THE PASSENGERS SAT NEAR YOU. (Note : * means you should beat your own head when you’re saying the line.)

Reece, rewriting headlines, yesterday. The little wanker.

One victim, Mrs Victoria Sponge (29) –although she looked 40+ (sunbed) -, was shocked to read a headline saying she had died earlier that day in mysterious circumstances.

She told us, ‘I was traumatised and immediately rang the undertakers to organise my funeral.’ It turned out the real headline was about the recent death of some famous actor or someone, but Reece had skilfully altered it. Another man, who does not wish to be named as Ronny Nose, turned himself into Catterick Army base when he read he’d been found guilty of war crimes in Iraq. He said, ‘I’ve never left Teesside in my life, but there it was in black and white on the front of me Gazette!’ Reece has been banned from working as a paper boy for life, but has been headhunted by several Fleet Street newspapers.

COMING UP... Autistic people – yes we understand, but why do they have to be so bloody rude? And are petrol station staff right to take their cigarette breaks on the forecourt?

1: It ate her. IT ate her, not me. It did.* 2: But how can we go to the Police when I’m the only one who can see you? 3: If these fools only knew what I know they’d be wearing a parachute too!* 4: What do doctors know anyway. How could I infect anyone? Utter tosh. 5: Note to self, underpants made of bacon equals bad idea. 6: My God, this is just like the bus in my premonition. I recognise the people from the bodies too. 7: As long as we don’t hit a bump, this thing won’t go off.* 8: Hurry up, driver, these wounds are getting bigger by the minute. 9: This is a stick up. This is a royal gun. Damn, I mean ‘real’ gun. Am I ever going to get this right. 10: That driver, I know him from somewhere. Of course, Captain Zerox, my arch nemesis.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

AMAZING WAR POETRY FIND! Thornaby’s Central Library has recently been refurbished, because it stank of old people, and the new one opens soon.

During the makeover the librarians uncovered some lost poetry by the famous WW1 poet Wilson Festoon. Wilson was Thornaby’s most famous wartime son and was a changed man when he returned home from the Great War, almost two days ‘Ever Surrender’, the memorial to Wilson in Thornaby’s after it began. Pleasure Gardens, yesterday.

Here is the previously unpublished poem which has not seen light for nearly 100 years! SHIT – THEY’RE THROWING BOMBS AT US! Private Wilson Festoon, 1915, Flanders. Shit, they’re throwing bombs at us!, Oh shit, oh shit, there’s a load, Shitting hell, I don’t like this, I’m legging it down the road. Ta’ra my pals, I’m out of here, I’m siding with the Hun, Or hiding in a Frenchman’s house, I’m on the bloody run. I find a frightened enemy lad, He too is on the hoof, So I shoot him and take his food, That’ll learn the German poof. What’s that?, the shelling’s stopped?, I return, telling lies and toss, I show the German’s lunchbox, And they award me the George Cross. Then they start throwing bombs again, Shitting shitty shit shit shite!, Shit this for a game of soldiers, I disappear into the night. It’s hard not to weep tears of bitter pride isn’t it? Let us remain silent for 1 minute and remember Wilson Festoon and what he nearly gave up for us.

THIEVES TARGET CHURCH Sacrilegious thieves have stolen a listed 11th century church from Norton Green. St Marie’s Of the Holy ArmWrestle was dug up and taken in one piece by four men in the early hours of last Sunday morning. They were last seen carrying the church on their shoulders heading for the coast. There is an illegal trade in France for medieval churches which are boiled in garlic and served as starters. To add to the loss it’s thought the Vicar, Reverend Tim Cassock, was inside at the time polishing his catamite. SWORDS AND SHIELDS DETERRENT WORKING! At the time, it sounded barmy. Giving the drinkers in Middlesbrough real swords and shields to protect themselves, but Cleveland Police say it’s doing the job and stopping fights and fracas. As well as putting free armouries on street corners, a daring poster campaign was launched saying ‘Start Trouble And I’ll Get Medieval On Your Arse.’ Bar brawls and scuffles amongst the ignorant young drinkers have dropped by an amazing 76% as most people are now terrified their opposite number in a fight might be a better swordsperson. Fatal runnings-through and beheadings are up 89%, however.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

Barmy judge forced to retire cases to be thrown out of court and irreparable damage to the Teesside Crown Court buildings.

The worst being last week the Judge was presiding over a fishing permit case and called the River Tees as a witness. The Tees was temporarily re-routed to flow through the Courts and asked to give evidence.

Judge Mental being judgemental, yesterday.

Judge Royston Malleable Mental (98) has been forced to retire from civic duty after a string of badly-thought-out court fiascos. Judge Mental’s ever loosening grip on reality has caused countless

THE HEADS TODAY

Other equally bizarre rulings have included demanding everyone in court strip naked on the basis that ‘you cannot tell lies when you are nude.’ And, last month he sentenced as a man to hang for ‘looking far too much like Richard Branson.’ It’s thought that in future, the Judge will concentrate on his hobby, amateur air traffic control.

Woman Who Got Eyesight Back After 20 Years Leaves Ugly Husband ‘Cyclists Who Wear Lycra Deserve To Be Knocked Off’ Says Top Cop Teacher Sacked For Using Fat Kids As Draft Excluders Farmer Whose Cows Froze To Death Overnight Says ‘I Was Playing With Them Before Bedtime And Forgot To Put Them Away’

TEES BALLY FIBBER

We all dislike a lull in a conversation. Both parties seem to have run out of things to say and, more oft than not, pregnant pauses give birth to awkward moments. To keep the banter flowing, I, Morty Vicar, the Tees Bally Fibber’s resident lifestyle guru, have spent literally minutes researching some amazing facta-zoids for you to drop into any conversation that’s getting a tad stale. Trust me, just pull a couple of these stunning facts out of the ether and the person you’re chatting to will be stunned into silence by your amazing encyclopaedic knowledge of trivia. Here goes… • In Japan the currency is live

fish. Mini banks are aquariums and wallets and purses must be waterproof otherwise the value of your ‘cash’ depreciates. There are 100 goldfish to a herring and the biggest ‘coin’ is a blue whale – which people rarely have change for. • If you laid your internal organs out on a football field you would die. • The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a professor of mathematics and he has worked out God weighs 23 stone. But, because he is also 12 foot tall he carries it well. The Archbishop has also uncovered the Holy Ghost is 94% methane so he’s a tad pongy! • Pepperoni is made from suicide victims.

• Technically, according to atomic calendars, there’s 8 days in a week. There’s a day in between Wednesday and Thursday called Carl and it was done away with in 2500 BC to reduce overtime pay for labourers. It’s thought this is why worked ceased on Stonehenge. • The biggest cause of death in Africa is from hippos falling out of their nests onto people.

• If you put a pair of headphones on, and stick the jack end up your dog’s arse, you will be able to hear if it loves you or not. • Radar was invented by Roadrunner. Meep Meep! No it wasn’t.

More fascinating conversation savers next time, folks! Morty! X

Man who shot dog dead - innocent?

10.00 am. Mr O’Shay could take no more and let rip with a barrage of one .22 air pellet at the audibly annoying cur, getting it right between the eyes.

The dead dog, yesterday

A man who was fined for shooting dead his neighbour’s ‘barkybastard’ dog with an air gun may not have fired the fatal shot, it has been uncovered. Rick O’Shay of Nunthorpe was fed up with the dog barking and waking him up at ungodly hours like

FACT ME!

However, forensic evidence has now shown a second shot hit the animal up its arse which may well have shocked the beast to death. The shot has been proven by ballistic testing to have come from a grassy knoll on the other side of the road. At the time of the incident, two cats were seen running away from the scene. The investigation continues.

The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you! Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print we donate all our old clothes to an endangered Brazilian tapir! ‘I once had a job as a Drunk Driving Instructor. I used to train people to drive cars on the wrong sides of roads, mount kerbs and ignore red lights.’ Joy Sunshine, Long Newton

TEES BALLY FIBBER NEW SCHOOL NO GO AREA FOR PUPILS Stockton Council have made a bid for a new secondary school in Thornaby because the others are ‘absolutely shit.’ A spokes-idiot said, ’The existing ones are full of horrible children who won’t do anything you tell them to. We intend to build a nice, much smaller, new school and move all the teachers in and none of the pupils. No kids, no trouble. That’ll learn the little gets.’ WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! Wynyard Woodland Park Planetarium are hosting their first ever ‘Death From Space’ night tonight. The fun event for kids is a wacky lecture and star-gazing event focusing on how the Earth will be destroyed by a giant asteroid sometime soon. A 3D simulation of the Earth being decimated by a rogue asteroid will be shown continually and hot dogs and hot chocolate will be served free. Fun starts at 7.30. Indoors if wet. WELCOME TO HELL A homeless man who reportedly dodged the law, stole, drank and generally made shoppers lives a misery with his anti-social behaviour has been given the worst sentence anyone can get – life, married life! Lou Pole, (31) of no fixed abode has been given a custodial sentence in a ready made family consisting of a domineering, naggy wife and 2 children. From now on he must work full time, worry about and pay bills, do DIY, entertain ungrateful kids, and have sex with someone he doesn’t fancy.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

THE HEADS TODAY Norton Duck Pond To be Filled With Soup For Homeless Transporter Bridge Made From Cardboard – Shock Revelation Fury Over Plans To Demolish Aldi Store To Make Way For New Hospital Middlesbrough Town Planners’ Morals Found Behind Back Of Filing Cabinet The following Teessiders have been found guilty of really stupid crimes so we’re a-naming and a-shaming ‘em! Olive Oil of Norton, fined £45 for taunting diabetics with delicious sweets, rubbing her tummy and saying ‘God these are so nice.’ Boyd Stiff of Saltburn, sentenced to life in solitary confinement for constantly ranting on about his computer’s abilities and role playing sword and sorcery games. Daniel Druff of Dormanstown, given a 3 month custodial sentence for walking at the same pace as attractive women and pretending they were his wife.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

WHAT’S ON TELLY? WHAT’S ON TELLY? WHAT’S ON TELLY? WHAT’S ON TELLY? WHAT’S ON TELLY?

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TEES BALLY FIBBER

STRICKEN FERRY OFFLOADS CARGO OF AUSTRIAN NUNS The hull of the ferry has now split open and its cargo of nuns is being washed ashore onto Redcar’s shoreline. The nuns, who don’t speak a word of English, are old, cold and disoriented. Despite this, hordes of greedy Teessiders are storming the beaches and taking them home.

SHORT LIVED CRAZE Robbo Robinson, a labourer from Middlesbrough said, ‘I got one to take around the pubs of Middlesbrough so me and my mates can have a muck about with it.’ Some people have taken more than one and intend to use them as garden ornaments or pets.

Nuns have been spotted as far as Saltburn

Teessiders are flocking to Redcar beach, the scene of the capsized ferry disaster – to pick up an Austrian nun, the latest must have chav accessory. The ferry was taking a large party of Austrian nuns on a sight seeing trip of the North Sea but accidentally crashed into England.

A spokesman for some church or other told us, ’This will be a short lived craze. Once the novelty of owning a trophy nun has worn off we are going to see a surge of discarded and unwanted nuns on the streets of Teesside.’

Police intend to cordon off the beach until the ecumenical disaster has been cleared up. Concerns have also been raised about whether the nuns are safe after one exploded and a Redcar youth was hit in the face by a flying rosary.

Wedding Album The Tees Bally Fibber website is starting its ‘Just Married Photo Page.’ And, like all local newspaper wedding albums only fat and ugly couples need apply because they make the rest of us feel happy with what we’ve got.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

MY BOSS’S DOG SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME A woman, who does not wish to be named as Gloria Fogg, is to sue her former boss after she revealed his dog molested her. She claims Mr Harcourt of Harcourt Sticky Labels, brought his dog into work while his wife was away as there was nobody at home to look after it.

Andrew and it wasn’t long before he pushed his nose up my skirt.’ Mz Fog was too upset to carry on with her story, so we bullied her into it. Apparently the dog sniffed her thigh then put its paw on her boob. She felt dirty and cheap and complained to the boss who fired her.

The dog, a pedigree mongrel called Handsome Andrew, allegedly waited until the boss was on a call before repeatedly harassing Mz Fogg for a fuss. She told us, ‘I was petrified and physically nauseous, but I knew if I didn’t stroke the dog he

Mr Harcourt issued the following statement, ‘The silly cow was caught nicking from petty cash. I wasn’t going to press charges but I am now. And Handsome Andrew is suing her for deformation of character. That’ll lean her.’

Handsome Andrew: dressed for court, yesterday

would tell Mr Harcourt and I’d be out of a job. This was an open invitation to Handsome

THE HEADS TODAY

Teesside Perfume Manufacturer Concedes ‘Essence Of Damp Dog’ May Have Been Bad Name For New Brand Stockton Man Found Claiming Benefit Legitimately Playful Middlesbrough Paramedics Refused To Take Dying Woman Because She Wouldn’t Say ‘Simon Says’ Stockton Taxi Drivers To Be Given Deodorant Awareness Lessons

TEES BALLY FIBBER

TEES HISTORIAN FINDS THE BEAR FACTS I.M. Prudence, the amateur Teesside historian who shot to fame after finding Hitler’s missing gonad in a hen’s egg, has uncovered some startling literary evidence that A.A. Milne’s much loved character Winnie The Pooh wasn’t originally the little bear we know him as today. In the first draft outlines for the character, Winnie was a talking poo who lived in an enchanted toilet.

Winnie The Shit, as we know him today.

Milne’s publisher thought the whole scenario inappropriate

WHAT’S IN A NAME? • Well quite a lot according to I.M. Prudence. Next time you tuck into a bowl of cornflakes just think – if it hadn’t have been for a quick re-think you might be eating Severely Burned Horse Flesh Chips. Yes, that’s what they were originally called! Here’s some other brand names that were thankfully changed : • The manufacturers of the 70s superjet Concorde had other plans for its title. Luckily names like ‘The Flying Death Box’ and ‘Stupid Big Nose’ were rejected. • Coca Cola hasn’t always had it’s distinctive trademark. When the drink was first launched it was called ‘Rat Pee.’ Sales were poor, but picked up after the drink was re-titled ‘Poison’ then ‘Radioactive Acid’ then finally Coca Cola. Only then it was a hit.

for children and asked the author to re-write him as a lovable, yet retarded, bear.

This isn’t the first time Mr Prudence has unearthed startling first drafts of popular literary classics. Last year he found preliminary notes for Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula in which the central character was a snot drinking handkerchief called Count Dave. Stoker’s editor didn’t consider the character scary enough and had him change it to a blood sucking vampire called Dracula and the rest is history.

• John Logi Baird invented the television and originally called his amazing invention ‘A Microwave Oven’ because it looked like one. He then changed the name to ‘Big John’s Amazing Transmitting Box Of Demonic Belching Sprouts’, but the name still didn’t catch on because it was stupid. John finally called it a TV in honour of the Scottish tradition of men wearing women’s clothes. • When the famous baker Archy Pastie saw a very small man being crushed to death by a large sausage rolling out of control down a hill, he hit upon the idea for sausage rolls. They didn’t sell very well to begin with because Archy called them ‘Person Killers.’ It was only when his best friend Tommy Sausageroll came in to try one of his new savoury treats that Archy came up with the name we use today.

TEES BALLY FIBBER holster and the other end to a tree. Then drop to your knees so your shoulder clicks back into place with a sickeningly loud wrenching, cracking sound. It’s true! I’ve seen it on the filums! Dear Doc, I have been off work nine times in the last month with man-flu and my female bosses are really nagging me about it. The cows. Help! Harrison Fordcapri, Stockton

Not legally allowed to practice medicine anymore, Dr Struckov is The Fibber’s resident quack. We wouldn’t trust him to hand out plasters, let alone advice, but we like him and that’s good enough for us. Dear Doc, I have started playing squash and seem to have really hurt my shoulder. Should I stop and find a gentler sport? Or what? Carol Singer, Guisborough A poorly shoulder is easily put right. You need to tie your arm to your gun

Ho ho, yes women are cows aren’t they. They’re too simple to understand just how devastating man-flu is. If they still won’t go for it, claim to be having a lady’s ‘time of the month.’ This isn’t as debilitating as something genuine like man-flu, but you DO get to behave like an utter bastard for a week and get flowers when it’s over. Result! Dear Doc, I am a cat. Recently I have found myself attracted to dogs. Does this mean I am gay? Snuggles, Coleton Gardens, Ingleby Barwick Please don’t abuse my column with stupid jokes like this. I know for a fact cats cannot write letters, put them in envelopes, and post them!

TEES BALLY FIBBER

POLICE CRACKDOWN ON BOGUS DISABLED DRIVERS Cleveland Police are putting up stiff penalties for the increasing tide in deliberate disabled drivers. Motorists are purposely decreasing their mobility, by self induced amputations and assisted accidents, in order to claim parking badges for their cars. DI Why of the Cleveland Motorist Persecution Department said, ‘We have cases where drivers have intentionally hacked off feet, arms and noses just so they can park closer to shops just like fortunate naturally disabled people.’ He went on to say a married couple from Ormesby were recently convicted of bogus disabilities after it was found they had sewn themselves together and were claiming to be Siamese twins.

Disabled? Or liar?

HAVE-A-GO NEWSAGENT WALLOPS THIEF punched a would-be-thief in the face. Mr Bobby Dazzler of Fags ‘N’ Rags, Billingham, said he knew the youth was trouble the second he walked in. He started disrespectfully touching everything, messing up the magazines and poking the crisps.

Mr Dazzler, celebrating his victory for justice, yesterday.

A brave Stockton newsagent, who has been plagued by no less than three shoplifters in the last 15 years, has finally taken a stand and

with his Gran at the time. Mr Dazzler told us, ‘She started giving it yap yap yap when she’d seen what I’d done so I popped her one as well.’

Mr Dazzler admits he could have been seriously hurt in the incident and will keep When the “She started giving it weaponry yob made yap yap yap when she’d behind his for the counter seen what I’d done so I sweets Mr popped her one as well.” from Dazzler now on leapt over the counter and just in case. Mr Dazzler walloped him one right then attacked our in the kisser. The youth, a reporter for looking at three year old toddler and his newspapers in the known hoody wearer, was ‘wrong way.’

BEWARE – FAKE PETS An Arthritic African Sleeping Snake, yesterday

A major crackdown has begun on Teesside in a bid to foil a vast fake pet scam. Counterfeit pets which may look like normal, healthy creatures are indeed cheap knock offs that won’t last five minutes. The most popular are pet bunny rabbits which are actually live rats stuffed with sponge to make them cuddlier, with their ears cruelly stretched to become floppy and cute. Similarly, there are some goldfish around that are only gold plated fish. In some cases they’re just

FACT ME!

minnows sprayed orange. But by far the most ridiculous scam feeds from the current craze of owning an Arthritic African Sleeping Snake, a must have chav accessory. Be warned, Arthritic African Sleeping Snakes are nothing more than painted walking sticks. All these bogus pets are manufactured in Eastern European sweat shops by exploited labourers – so they are fantastically cheap! The downside is they’re dangerous and explode when dehydrated.

The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you! Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print we send some sellotape to Africa! ‘I once got a parking ticket for leaving my car on a Traffic Warden!’ Pauline Flumps, Yarm

TEES BALLY FIBBER DOG FIGHT CHEAT JAILED A vicious thug who’s ‘dog’ won illegal fights for many years has been jailed when it was uncovered the animal was actually a crocodile in a fur coat. In summing up at Teesside Crown Court, Judge Mental said of 30 year old Neville Breville ‘You are lower than the lowest as you have cheated your fellow scum. You will go to Stockton Jail for two years and will be forced to kiss the prison ostrich, on the lips, every day until you learn respect for animals.’ F.A. RULING A VICTORY FOR BORO Boro manager Gareth Southgate is delighted that the F.A. have ruled that any players he deems to be sufficiently injured can carry on playing on mopeds. Southgate said, ‘This is a victory for sportsmanship, but I shall not abuse the ruling. It’s a pure coincidence that we’ve just bought a big hammer and 11 Hondas, that’s all.’ NEW CRIME INITIATIVE HIGHLY IMAGINATIVE Cleveland Police have launched their new Figments Of The Law crime tackling scheme with a multi-million pound dinner. Speaking at the elaborate gala luncheon, D.I. Why, who is spearheading the scheme, said, ‘It’s simple. We urge criminals to imagine there are several police officers watching everything they do, 24/7. This will deter them from committing crimes. It’s as easy as that.’ The initiative has been deemed necessary as the force had no money left over for any real coppers.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

SORTING OFFICE SAY HOMELESS MAN CAN USE RIVER TEES AS ADDRESS If you receive a soaking wet letter with a return address of ‘The River Tees’, don’t be alarmed, it’s just Barrowgate Crumpet, a mad tramp, who can now legally do such a thing.

Barrowgate moved into the River Tees two years ago when he was evicted from a puddle on Riverside Road, Stockton. Since then, the soggy smoggy has been living the life aquatic treading water in the Tees. He was originally banned from having his mail delivered into the Tees but now The Post Office said, ‘Most of the foreign post men we employ dump their letters in the river anyway, so what the hell.’

HOME SWEET HOME

Barrowgate : If this were France he’d be in Seine

too and will be decorating by floating rolls of wallpaper on the surface of the water under Victoria Bridge, which is my living room

Barrowgate is delighted by the ruling and And I’m throwing a river warming party on Saturday night. Everyone’s invited, said, ‘The river really feels like home to just jump off the bridge 7.30 for 8 ish.’ me now. I have big plans to spruce it up

The following Teessiders have been found guilty of really stupid crimes so we’re a-naming and a-shaming ‘em! Pete Yourleftlegin, 22, of Berwick Hills, jailed for 8 months for saying the word ‘axe’ instead of ‘ask’ in conversation. Pete Yourleftlegout, 43 of Darlington, sentenced to ‘driving-for-12months without-stopping’ for pulling racist faces at pedestrians.

Ian Out, 20, of Redcar, fined £100 for weeing on a public toilet seat – from an outside window whilst someone else was using it. Sheik Itallabout, 34, of Ormesby, sentenced to be hoyed out of a first floor window for doing Little Britain and Catherine Tate catchphrases long after they’d become excruciatingly old hat.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

BORO MANAGER SELLS ENTIRE TEAM AT CAR BOOTY Gareth Southgate, manager for cash strapped Middlesbrough’s has stunned critics in the most amazing cash saving idea the game has ever seen. Southgate has sold the entire team at a car boot sale for £70! ‘It had to be done, they were costing a fortune every week. Now we have no overheads and can look forward to a rosy and financially secure future.’ The team was sold to a middle aged woman who claimed she would use them for sexual purposes. When asked how he thought the Boro might do in future matches Southgate told us, ‘Providing the wind is strong and in our favour, we can expect some quite amazing defeats. So is Gareth Southgate really off his rocker for making such a stupid decision? Well, yes, obviously, but he’s not alone. Take a look at some of the other worst football managerial tactics in recent years.

was a lot faster, but being made of only light the ball went right through him! 2. Cecil Gladrags once spent his entire Arsenal budget on solid gold goalposts and had nothing left over for players. His club lost 10,000 to nil EVERY game. And the posts got nicked. 3. Manchester United manager Toby Nipples once sold his best striker and replaced him with his fat wife because she nagged him so much. She was useless, but she enjoyed the bath with the lads afterwards. 4. Aston Villa manager Gary Headcase thought he could speed his players up by putting them on roller skates. It actually slowed them donw because he forgot they don’t work on grass. 5. During the war, Tottenham’s manager ordered all their games to be played during air raids in the hope it would put the other side off. All the players got killed.

6. After watching a documentary about how clever dolphins are, Nobby 1. In 1996 Fulham manager Stylus, the then manager Roy Stobbard replaced his of York City, replaced goalie with a hologram who his centre forwards with

dolphins. They just died and laid there smelling horrible and fishy and that. 7. When the F.A. asked Sir Stanley Ratchews why his players had no shorts on he said they were showing off their ball control. 8. Heinrich Chunderhaus once gave all the players in his Munich side jet packs so they could move quicker. The jet packs were faulty and when they broke down the whole team were left stranded in the air for sixteen weeks! 9. In an attempt to inspire his players, manager Trevor Steaming allowed his team full access to his bank account. They cleared it out and were never seen again. 10. Luton manager Timblehawk Ludicrous rewarded success on the pitch with fresh vegetables, trips to church, and piano lessons, but punished poor performances with arduous nights in the pub, trips to ‘naked lady’ clubs, and days off.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

Asbo ban for pub bore A man has been barred from every pub on Teesside for being a complete and utter bore. Jack Lustre, (36) of Ingleby Barwick, has bothered and bored people at the bars of over 100 Teesside pubs by trying to strike up conversations about his car and its overall petrol consumption. Mr Lustre has also annoyed the hell out of people by standing behind them when they were on the slot machines telling them to hold, nudge, or leave it – always with disastrous results.

Some barmaid or other, yesterday

BITTER BARMAIDS Alma Sweatpatch, a barmaid at Ingleby Barwick’s newest pub The Software Programmer’s Arms told us, ‘It’s his pathetic attempts at humour that cause the most ill-will, particularly when he copies Little Britain. We’d ask him what his drink order was and he’d invariably point to the Guinness pump and say I want that one. The second we’d finished pouring it he

would say I don’t like Guinness. Mr Lustre invariably had the Guinness thrown over him to which he would always retort ‘The drinks are on me.’ Other pathetic attempts at pub humour involved him jokingly sniffing his own armpits when somebody walked away from him, pretending to push his own teeth back in when he’d mispronounced something, and handing his spectacles to any landlord that said can I have your glasses please.

AN EVENING OF COLD READING

Tonight at the Grabbing Hands Pub, Low Morals, 7.30 pm Claire Voyant: I can see a lucrative evening ahead! Come and enjoy an evening of parting with your money and being made to look a gullible fool by Teesside’s Finest Clairvoyant - Claire Voyant. Entrance is £30 with a £15 sitting down fee. For personal readings patrons must bring a further £50 and a complete family history in no more than 500 words. She’s The Medium With An Extra Large Bank Balance

TEES BALLY FIBBER

SMOKING BAN CLAIMS FIRST LIFE The cruel and heartless smoking ban that prevents smokers from making non-smokers smell as foul as they do, has claimed its first life. 46 year old Ian Runes died during heart surgery because the doctors and nurses had to go outside for a smoke leaving him to bleed to death. Chief surgeon Dr Roald Crippen said, ‘The operation was very

gasping for a cancer stick. We went outside – into the freezing cold I might add! – and came back after a mere 10 to 15, or 20 minutes later. If that. When we got back Mr Runes was dead from political correctness.’

Dr Crippen looking suitably ashamed, yesterday.

complicated and taking a hell of a long time, so naturally most of us were

The ironic thing is Dr Crippen doesn’t even smoke. He only went outside because he was worried the others might talk about him.

JAPANESE WW2 SOLDIER ESCAPES FROM TEESSIDE PARK He was captured by the Allies in 1943 and sent to the Teesside Park Shopping Complex for the remainder of the war. But then they completely forgot all about Tenko Shitzu, a brave Jap soldier who surrendered to a wounded British messenger pigeon.

The retail park was where all captured enemy soldiers were sent because it’s lack of traffic control made it impossible The infamous Stalag Teesside Park, yesterday. to escape from. At the end of the war the to him by the staff of Starbucks for the prisoners were mercifully airlifted out of last 65 years. Then, last Saturday Tenko the dismal jail complex and dropped into made a daring dash across one of the the sea to make their own way home. roads when he spotted a two foot gap in However, Tenko was in Borders Books the nose to tail traffic. reading the magazines for free and Tenko was last seen on Redcar beach missed the airlift. He has remained there throwing flares into the air in the hope ever since wandering about shops such of attracting a passing Japanese as TK Maxx and WH Smith just looking whale murdering ship. It’s thought at things to kill time. Tenko stole the flares from Topman’s Tenko has lived on coffee beans given jeans department.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

THE HEADS TODAY Middlesbrough Drug Dealer Found To Have Crack In His Underpants Tees Valley Farmer Claims Obese Cows Have Fatter Calves StokeslEy Man Found Hacked Into Tiny Pieces, Police Rule Out Suicide ‘New Houses In Ingleby Held Up By Red Tape – It’s Cheaper Than Concrete’ Says Building Firm

PAUL DANIELS TO SHOVE TRANSPORTER like it has ever BRIDGE UP HIS ARSE ‘Nothing been tried before.’ return to his native Middlesbrough with his most ambitious and biggest ever magic trick.

Paul, showing off outside his playhouse, yesterday.

In the best traditions of American magician David Copperfield, our very own evil sorcerer Paul Daniels is to

In front of millions of expectant Teessiders, Daniels is going to shove the Transporter bridge up his bum hole in the most large-scale and elaborate magic trick ever attempted. Paul told the Tees Bally Fibber, ‘Nothing like it has ever been

tried before. Although there’s been some brave attempts.

In 1908 the great Houdini got half of the Empire State Building up his poot shoot, but had to abandon the stunt because it was knacking him.’ The Transporter bridge – big, innit!

TEES BALLY FIBBER

MORE CALLS TO CLOSE CONTROVERSIAL WILDLIFE PARK A privately funded animal park has courted controversy since it opened last summer because it actively encourages children to kill animals.

The RSPCA slammed the novel idea as cruel and has been calling for its closure ever since. The Animal Crackers Wildlife Adventure Slay-Ground allows children to track and trap squirrels, chickens, voles, badgers, sheep, cows and all manner of wild animals and shoot them, strangle them, and in some cases even blow them up. The manager of the park Shelia Takeabow told our reporter, ‘Stop whining, they’re only animals for Christ’s sake. And the look of contented glee on a kiddy’s face when he’s just lobbed a hand grenade into a field full of bunny rabbits is priceless. Animals are bastards and if they could kill us they would. Now piss off.’

Mz Takeabow clubbing a hedgehog to death, yesterday.

Ingleboy

You Can’t Leave Me (I’m Diabetic) The Stunning Debut Single The Tees Bally Fibber is proud to offer you the chance to hear the wonderful new ballad by Ingleby Barwick boy band Ingleboy. They’re four 18 stone 18 year olds who live, breathe and eat melody. And chips. Their new single You Can’t Leave Me (I’m Diabetic) is available to download free from our website.

www.teesbally.co.uk INGLEBOY! - PUMP UP THE CHOLESTEROL

TEES BALLY FIBBER

PLANET OF THE APES TV All the telly you want to see, hear and talk about!

6.00 THE MORNING SCRATCH Lively morning kids’ show presented by Ursus, featuring fun interactive games like Hide The Human and sketches like My Wife’s A Mutant. 9.00 TIME TEAM Cornelius and his shabby band of heretic archaeologists unearth more ‘evidence’ of a former civilisation in the Forbidden Zone. Utter tripe! 10.20 MEN BEHAVING BADLY CCTV footage exposing the rising tide in human disobedience. 10.55 BABOON HUNT Antique expert baboon Davius Dickinson seeks out more tat from yesteryear. 11.30 THE MONKEES Zany comedy about four young chimps in a rock band. 12.00 LUNCHTIME NEWS Find out what other simians are having for their lunches. You can guess it’s pretty much fruit and nuts. Hosted by Aldo. 1.10 SEX AND APE CITY Lewd show about high flying, sexually active young female chimps. 2.10 GO BANANAS WITH URKO Cookery show in which Urko shows us even more dishes from bananas. 2.45 CHANGING HUMES Make over show. Make your human look 10 years younger. 3.10 FILM : PLANET OF THE HUMANS Far fetched sci-fi hokum about an ape astronaut stranded on a planet of intelligent humans.

5.15 BOBO THE BUILDER Children’s show about a kindly gorilla builder. 6.00 BEASTENDERS Dirty Deno makes an unwelcome return and the feud between the chimpanzees and the gorillas heats up when Galen finds gorilla poo pushed though his letter box. 6.35 CAESAR’S SALADS More mouth watering vegetarian dishes from Cesar. 7.00 THE WEAKEST CHIMP Game show hosted by red haired orang-utan Annius Robinson. 7.40 THE SIMIANS Cartoon comedy. Homerk and Barto join the Springfield human hunt but end up living with a family of humans, even adopting their ways – like bathing! 8.30 ONLY FOOLS AND HUMANS Delius and Rodderks buy a dozen second hand, damaged humans and try to sell them on the market, but little do they know they all have the plague. Can Delius sell them to the military as target practice? Hilarious comedy. 9.30 YES, LAWGIVER Comedy set in the upper ranks of the orang-utan government. 10.00 APE EXPECTATIONS (NEW SERIES) Lavish costume drama of the classic novel by Dr Zaius (as all books are.) 11.05 MONKEY NUTS Light hearted chat show hosted by Zira. Amongst her eccentric guests tonight is an ape who has shaved himself bald for charity, and a human who claims to be an astronaut from our very own past.

How did you score? If you got a quarter of these Planet Of The Apes jokes then you’re an intelligent person who has seen the film and remembers it via a mechanism known as the mind-box.

If you got half of these jokes, you are a borderline sci-fi fan. Get out more. Interact  with people who AREN’T into computers, science fiction and size 46 jeans.

If you got all of these jokes then oh dear. It’s time to sell all those DVDs, comics, books and trading cards on eBay to raise enough money for an assisted suicide holiday in Amsterdam.

Dear Professor Husk, I love the Sherlock Holmes books, me. However, I am of an extremely timid and nervous nature and find them altogether far too scary and poo-pant-inducing. Can you recommend some of the more gentle adventures of 221b’s favourite amateur sleuth – for the sake of my skirts! Mz Harriet Nolife, Great Ayton Professor Husk Says… Ho ho, you sound like a right scaredy cat, Harriet. Boo! Only joking, hope you haven’t soiled yourself. Yes, Sherlock Holmes can be exciting can’t he. The first Holmes story was a Study In Scarlet published in The Teletubbies Get Naked Magazine in 1892, and was written by Sir Arthur Conan Barbarian. The paper came with a free toilet roll so you could mop up any wee wee that leaked out as you read it. Sherlock had many exhilarating adventures, but he also had a few really boring ones too. Here’s a list of his five dullest adventures...

TEES BALLY FIBBER

YAWN, MY DEAR WATSON A Letter From Kent Watson is intrigued by a strange letter sent to him anonymously. Then Holmes points out the top of the letter which clearly states the letter is from their friend in Kent. Painfully boring.

The Strange Case Of The Toilet That Would Not Flush Properly The toilet mysteriously won’t flush. Dr Watson calls a plumber and Holmes’ work is done for him. Utter drivel. Sherlock Holmes Meets His Dad The great consulting detective goes for chips with his Dad and are surprised because there is no vinegar anywhere to be found, until some is found. Boring as! The Mystery Of The Disappearing TV Remote Unable to find the remote Holmes tries to work out how to change telly channels by opening the flap on the front. It’s too baffling even for him. Eventually the remote is found down the back of Moriarty’s sofa. Dull dull dull. The Day Nothing Happened A day in which nothing happens. Holmes and Watson just sit quietly for a day occasionally smiling and nodding at one another out of politeness. Yawnsville.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

TEESSIDE TRAFFIC COPS TO STAMP OUT LYRIC CRIMES Cleveland Police’s Motorist Persecution Department are warning innocent motorists they will be fined if they are caught singing along to songs without knowing the lyrics. PC World told us, ‘Yes we’re grasping at straws now, but people who sing along to songs and get the words wrong are scumbags so perhaps we really are doing our jobs after all.’

try and drown out the mistake.

He told us the tell tale signs of a motorist singing along to a song they don’t really know is an abrupt and embarrassed stopping of singing, or a deliberate increase in volume to

Any driver suspected of singing without knowing the words will be pulled over and asked to supply a sample of one verse and a chorus without the song’s accompaniment.

FACT ME!

A woman, pulled over for forgetting the words to Single Ladies, yesterday.

The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you! Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we take a local band to one side and gently explain how awful they are and advise other areas of self expression. ‘I can see major catastrophes simply by screaming at old newspapers. I call it RetroNostradamusing.’ Mr Gary Pacman, Hemlington

CLARRY CLOCKS UP ONE MILLIONTH BOOK Teesside pensioner has entered the record books by defacing one million books in her local library. Clarry Oncabby, (89) has been drawing on and ripping up books in Coulby Newham’s Library for over seven decades. Head Librarian Hilda Pigg said, ‘It’s a real milestone and we’re very proud of Clarry. We’d show you the Guinness Book Of Records she’s in – if Clarry hadn’t defaced it earlier today.’ LEWIS HAMILTON: I CAN’T EVEN DRIVE! Lewis Hamilton has admitted he doesn’t even know how to drive a car! The reason he’s won loads of Grand Prix races is because he’s an incredibly fast runner. Lewis, (7), doesn’t know how to change gear, or drive an automatic car that even a woman can, so he has the bottoms cut out of his racing cars and drives them like Fred Flintstone does – by running! IDIOT THIEVES CAUSE MORE TRAIN DELAYS Idiot thieves have been branded idiot thieves by the Transport Police for stealing vital pieces of Rail Network property, putting hundreds of lives in danger. Firstly they stole the track clips that hold train lines in place, but they soon moved up to kidnapping train staff. First to go missing from the never popular GNER line was the obligatory surly Scottish ticket inspector, then the highly strung female buffet car staff. But by far the most serious theft was the train cleaners who’s job it is to ignore toilets blocked with paper and stale piss. A major investigation... would be nice.

TEES BALLY FIBBER pterodactyls are extinct – so is the function of the kidneys. Here are some more body parts that we have but no longer need. THE GURNING GLAND This is a redundant section of the brain that is triggered when we are asleep. It makes us pull scary faces whilst at rest. It was handy in caveman days to deter dinosaurs attacking at night.

OUR AMAZINGLY PECULIAR & WONDERFUL HUMAN BODIES With Dr Strukov

Dear Doc, Does carrying a donor card entitle me to free kebabs? DOCTOR STRUKOV SAYS... Sorry, no. You’re confusing the word ‘donor’ with ‘Donna’, as in Donna Kebab, who is a girl I used to go out with. Interestingly though, did you know the human body doesn’t actually need kidneys. I sold mine on eBay! Before mankind evolved from tortoises we needed the kidneys to help us digest pterodactyls. As we are now men, and

THE HEADS TODAY

NECK PIVOT BONES This is a pivoted bone in the neck which enables involuntarily nodding. We sometimes use it now when talking to really boring people whilst trying to feign interest. BOWEL SCALES In mankind’s infancy, we used a muscle in our bowels to weigh how much food we had eaten so the bowel could work out how much poo to push out. This stopped vital organs being pooed out, such as the heart, pancreas or dorsal fins. BELLY BUTTONS There is no real use for a belly button apart from if you smoke in bed and can’t find an ashtray. Belly buttons were originally a third nipple which made it easier for Victorian women to feed a litter of kittens. Don’t ever try and unpick your belly button as you will let all your air out and fly around the room like a deflating balloon. I reckon.

Burglars Target The Elderly Say Police, Well D’er Say Burglars Post Office Worker Who Smiled Confesses, ‘It Was Wind’

TEES BALLY FIBBER

SON’S HEARTACHE AT CALLOUS REAL MUM A mum who gave her son up for adoption has made an emotional appeal for him to stay out of her life. Miriam Bun made the decision to have her son Colin adopted 3 weeks ago because he was ‘getting on her nerves.’ Colin, 19, came home from a hard hour at University to find his home empty save for an

adoption application form and a pen. Miriam told us, ‘Colin was a miserable pain in the backside, complaining about everything, laying in bed all day and playing terrible music too loud. I decided I just didn’t love him anymore and ran away from home.’ Colin has vowed to track his reluctant mother down, when he can be arsed.

Mrs Bun hiding from her teenage son, yesterday.

ROCK FARMER ADMITS – I’VE WASTED MY ENTIRE LIFE Brewster Biggles purchased two rocks from a friend in 1974 and set up the Biggles Rock Stud Farm with a view to breeding rocks and selling them to people to make rockeries.

check on the rocks in their hutch to see if any baby rocks had been born and everyday I’d be disappointed.

‘The rocks haven’t even moved in decades, let alone mated with ‘At first I wondered if the one another. It’s all One of the rocks, yesterday. rocks were actually a male been a complete waste The world’s only rock and a female because rocks of time.’ farmer has today given up are notoriously hard to Mr Biggles was on his dream of breeding sex. My friend assured me declared officially rocks and declared the they were,‘ he told us. and mentally bankrupt lifelong ambition as a ‘Every day I would go and yesterday. silly waste of time.

COMING UP... we ask the questions you daren’t, such as... Do you have to smell of booze to shop in Iceland? Why was the eccentric Mayor Of Thornaby allowed to swap his limousine for a Space Hopper?, (he just looks stupid!) And Billingham Town Centre, how the hell did they manage to build it in black and white!?

TEES BALLY FIBBER

MAN ON FIRE PUT OUT A Thornaby man who deliberately set fire to himself to prove a point has finally been extinguished by Fire Fighters. Jimmy Fuego, a daft pensioner, was appalled by the length of time it took fire crews to answer 999 calls. He told us, ‘I have been making crank calls to the Fire Brigade for several months now and timing how long they took to come out. My findings were shocking to

say the least.’ Over the last few months Mr Fuego has rung 999 fifty seven times saying different things were aflame ranging from his shed to a neighbour’s car, even on one occasion a rogue leopard which was biting and burning shoppers in Thornaby town centre. ‘They stopped coming out after the 17th bogus emergency so I decided to call their bluff. Mr Fuego set himself on fire

and continually rang the Fire Brigade until they agreed to come round three days later.

Sam Knob, Senior Fire Putter-Outer at Thornaby Fire Station said, ‘By the time we arrived there really wasn’t that much left of him, but he still managed to give us some derisory looks.’ Mr Fuego is in intensive care at Stockton Hospital where his condition is critical... of the nurses.

COMIC RELIEF UPDATE money for the loser countries are flying about like buns at a loony festival. Here’s some of the crazier ones that may inspire you to get involved in Comic Relief. Come the big day…..

All the doctors and nurses at James Cook Hospital are turning up for work with their A Norton dentists is filling all uniforms on back to cavities with marzipan! front, and the only The preposterous plans medicines they’re going for a demented day of to administer all day are comedic catastrophe custard pies. are well underway as The vicar of the church in Teesside gears up for Ingleby Barwick is going this year’s Red Nose to give black masses all Day. Madcap ideas steeped in hi-jinks and day culminating in him raising Satan himself! tomfoolery to raise

All of the Tees fire brigades are going to attend every call out blind drunk. It’ll be hilarious watching them trying to fight fires when they are absolutely hammered. A Norton undertaker is filling corpses with helium and letting them all go. But before that, if you want to get involved now, a butcher in Yarm high street is letting people stick the tips of their own noses in his bacon slicer – so if you want a real red nose, pop along there.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

ROAMING ROMAN GHOST SPOOKS BARWICK RESIDENTS ‘Aaaaagh, it’s a bloody ghost!’ If you’ve said those words recently then its likely you live in Ingleby Barwick and have witnessed the apparition of The Roaming Roman. Ever since Chuckemup Homes uncovered a historically important Roman Villa a few years ago – and quickly built their tawdry semi-detached chav huts on the site – the ghost of a Roman centurion has wandered Ingleby putting the willies up people.

Mr Tom Artosandwich, of Ingleby, a keen ghost and woman watcher, told us, ‘It is a restless spirit that cannot return to its grave which has eternity to wander Ingleby. What would you do in its place? You’d watch women in the shower wouldn’t you. I know I would.’

HISTORY’S MYSTERIES

Mr Artosandwich has researched the history of Ingleby for some hours now and has uncovered that the villa was home to a Roman centurion named Inglius Barvictus sometime between 49 a.d and 1975 a.d. Inglius gained control of the settlement when the residents swapped it for some wine and a pair of trousers. Inglius renamed the village after himself as he thought the name it had back then, Simon, was daft. Over the centuries it became Ingleby Barwick. Inglius’s ghost is often spotted around Ingleby, but despite this some experts have dismissed the ‘ghost’ as merely a trick of the

The ghostly Roman out drinking with his mate Steve, a used car sales bastard, yesterday.

light, or some steam off a warm dog. We believe it all because we took this picture of the spook drinking in The Myton with his mate. Mr Artosandwich is taking it all incredibly seriously and has offered to keep a vigil in the bathrooms of any single mothers who are worried the ghost may be watching them in the shower.

WHAT’S ON? WHAT’S ON? WHAT’S ON? WHAT’S ON?

The Festival Of Sprouts Celebrate 100 years of sprouts

The Royal Society For The Enforcement Of Sprouts promise it’ll be a thrilling day out. There’ll be a sprout rolling competition, hide the sprout games for the kiddies, and for the old folk - free sprout tea.

aren’t really vegetables, technically they are mammals.’ The Stockton Sprout Club will also be re-enacting the infamous 1923 Sprout Riots that occurred in Portrack in which many people died. Hilarious family fun!

Find out some fascinating facts about our little green buddies such as ‘sprouts

Entrance is free but guests are required to bring their own sprouts.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

THE WORD SMITH

Smithcart Smithinson Smith is the Fibber’s resident professor of words and he is determined to re-write the English language in his own manner. We let him do so because we fancy his wife. SMITHCART SAYS :

Salutations, you grievous goslings, it is I, The Word Smith. I shall keep this brief as I am in dire need of a poo. Here are my latest additions to the English language. Use them as muchly as possibilitation will permiticise. Brackle (n) : The sound a dead dog makes when you burn it. Baird’s Detractors (n) : Thoughtless folk who talk whilst one is trying to watch television. Namely Spongbob Squarepants – yes foul and loquacious bitch wife of mine, I mean you, you

THE HEADS TODAY

Baird’s Detractor! Harumph! Crystal Cavern (adv) : A place where omnibuses stop to pick up passengers. This refers to the smashed glass one has to walk over to reach said omnibus. Doom Blooms (adv) : The flowers sanctimonious people leave at the places where deaths have occurred. Car crash sites and the like. Moniker Lewinskis (adj) : Persons who collect the autographs of famous people. Harridanshite (n) : The depressing conversation of lower class women. That is all from me, The Word Smith, for now as I have an appointment in the water closet. I have bum-dogs to walk. I hate you all.

Flasher Sues Woman Who Ridiculed ‘Tiny Knob’ ‘They’re Charity Bags, NOT Free Bin Liners,’ Says Oxfam New Bridge Over Tees To Be Made Out Of Melted Down Brian Clough Statues Polish Workers’ Fashion Shock As They discover The 80s are Over Teesside’s First Arse Transplant Receiver Warned About ‘Ghost Fart Syndrome’

TEES BALLY FIBBER

The Furniture whisperer Nick Yorkar is a psychic sofa salesman desperate to get on telly. Send in a picture of your furniture and he will channel his paranormal abilities to find out exactly what your tables, chairs, settees etc are thinking. Barbara Seville of Yarm sent in this picture of her dining table. YOUR

FURNITURE TOLD ME : I am a desperately unhappy table. You never ever polish me and you have the table manners of Scousers. If you don’t buck up your ideas you will wake up one morning to find this table has four legged it to freedom. I am serious! Most of the chairs agree with me too. April Showers of Acklam sent me a photo of her settee. YOUR FURNITURE TOLD ME : I do love the family, truly I do! However, I object to being continually farted on by the man

of the house. Tell him to go outside if he needs to ‘evict the bowel squatters.’ By the way, your 14 year old son watches porn on me when you’re out. It’s gross. This telephone table is haunted! Sent to me by Mary Contrary of Fairfield. YOUR FURNITURE TOLD ME : Help me! I am terrified because the ghost of an awful old woman lives inside me. She used to own me and was very cruel to me. She would often bang the phone down on me when making angry calls to people. You must have seen the dents?! They still hurt! She died on the phone. As she was a strict teetotaller you can get rid of her ghost by sprinkling lager on me. That’ll drive her out! Hurry!

COMING UP... we ask the questions you daren’t, such as... Why is it only scummy yobs and vicious slags in James Cook A&E department waiting to be seen of a night? And the gleaming new Thornaby Town Centre – how long before they wreck it?

Double glazing cold callers – a newly discovered loophole in the law that allows you to kick the monkey out of them without fear of prosecution. Too good to be true?

TEES BALLY FIBBER

LAMPPOST FLOWERS COMMENTS COURT CONTROVERSY

Another bunch of chavishly pious doom blooms, yesterday.

A Tees Ambulance Driver who shouted at chavs to stop leaving flowers at the scene of a car crash has been branded ‘evil’ by the very same track-suit wearing folk. The paramedic claims his attempts to get

FACT ME!

an injured driver from a crashed car were hindered by ‘sanctimonious idiots.’ He said, ‘The motorist – whom none of them even knew! - only had a broken leg, but those self satisfying, holierthan-thou chavs wanted to plaster the area with nicked flowers.’ One such chav, a Maureen Gutbucket told us, ‘Those of us who have never suffered a bereavement need something to get selfrighteous about when we’re drunk. It gives us a reason to become violently pious when we’re off our faces on cider. Know what I mean, like.’ The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you! Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print we give one of the winos on Victoria Bridge an uncooked chicken. ‘I hates me neighbours so I sends ‘em wolves through the post so they gets bitten when they open their letters. Har har!‘ Miss Ineeda Prozac, Crash Test Supply Teacher, Norton

SAUSAGE MEET STILL ON The Norton chapter of the Stockton Sausage Lovers Club will meet next Thursday night. The theme of the meeting will be fillings, with a focus on getting the most from your pig. Topics covered will be eye-lids, vocal chords and bowel scrapings. Attendees are urged to bring their own pigs and a sharp knife. MAN DIES SHOWING HOW HE CHEATED DEATH A Middlesbrough man has been fatally killed as he demonstrated to friends how he narrowly avoided being fatally killed by a flying brass unicorn which was catapulted from a jack-knifing removal lorry that skidded on the remains of a cockerel. In the original accident the horn of the unicorn missed his head by 3 centimetres and embedded itself in the tree he was sitting against. Carson O’Genic (39) spent a great deal of time and money recreating his accident in front of on-looking friends and family. However, in the reconstruction Carson forgot to sit down and was killed instantly, yet humorously. PRISON EXPULSIONS IMMINENT The Home Office has given clear instructions that repeatedly troublesome inmates in British jails will face expulsion unless their behaviour improves. Major Cole Esterol, warden of Stockton’s Holme House Prison, said, ‘There’s a few dishonest blighters in here I’ll be kicking out that’s for sure.’ Major Esterol has instigated a strict ‘1 Foot Wrong And Out’ regime. So strict in fact, any inmate caught chewing his food with his mouth open will be taken to the prison gates and physically chucked out.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

GAY DOG FINDS NEW HOME When he was abandoned by his unfeeling owner last year, for being effeminate, Gay Gary the gay dog touched the hearts of literally several Teessiders.

Gay Gary, what a woof-ta, yesterday

His previous owner, Mr Max Factor of Hemlington, suspected Gary of gayness from being a pup. ‘He would always try and get into bed with me. When he was older he would chase the postman. Even his bark has that traditional effeminate, helium type twang to it. You know how they speak.’ Mr Factor threw Gary out and immediately bought a replacement pet – a peacock named Julian.

Among the cases dealt with at Teesside Magistrates Court & Motorist Persecution Unit, are these bloody idiots…. Ben Down, 29, of Marton, £600 fine for gluing human face masks to dogs in order to ‘upset and worry’ people. Stan Dupp, 19 ,of Ingleby Barwick, sentenced to 6 months for lying about his height and belief in God to secure a placement in the Salvation Army. Jim Pupandown, 986, of Eston, sentenced to 500 life sentences, to run concurrently, for cheating death with voodoo and cough medicine. Rea Chi, 34, of Rosehill, jailed for 8 years for repeatedly ‘not having a care in the world.’

Gay Gary the gay dog was left wandering the streets unwanted and alone and that’s when the Tees Bally Fibber highlighted his plight. Musical fan Simon Highlights contacted us and offered the poofy pooch a home. Simon told us, ‘Gay Gary the gay dog has a terrific sense of humour. He’s always doing something crazy. We recently had a kennel warming party for him and he came dressed as a hot dog, it was hilarious!’ Simon is soon the leave the Tees area to live in London with his new partner Hoy Fey, a Korean national. Hoy owns a successful Korean Restaurant in London’s Soho and is apparently really looking forward to meeting Gay Gary.

From tomorrow, farters in Middlesbrough Town Centre will have to race home to perform a bowel yodel as the new anti-farting law comes into effect. Mayor Ray Mallon, who quit pumping two years ago, said, ‘This marks a new era for a cleaner smelling Boro. We’ll be able to hold our noses up high in a guff free environment and inhale nature’s purity. And the massive chemical plant

TEES BALLY FIBBER

down the road. Obviously.’ Since last year, all cafés, restaurants and shops have operated a no parping regime, but now the commonplace sight of many workers nipping outside to evict a bowel squatter will be a thing of the past.

Robbo Robinson, a labourer dodging work in the town yesterday wasn’t happy about the new law. ‘It’s like Nazi Germany when Winston Churchill stopped the aborigines

from hunting red Indians. Innit. It’s nature. Innit. Farting’ Mr Robinson carried on talking, but we walked away because really thick people make us uncomfortable.

Preston Park Museum, Yarm. 9.30 am – 11 pm. A whole afternoon dedicated to steps and stairs. Try out new and exciting modern stairs in the Modern Stairs Tent!

Ride the working model of a moving staircase called an ‘escalator!’ Learn to keep fit in the Stair-obics tent!

Learn about the first ever staircase walk by Neil Armstrong a century ago.

There’s also advice on how to look cool after tripping up some stairs!

Lots of fun for any family who are impressed by stairs!

Entrance fee : Adults £2.00, kids £1.00, fat people £9.00

TEES BALLY FIBBER

The Tees Bally Top 10 Ways To Beat The Holiday Blues Come back off holiday lately? Perhaps you’re boring people to death whining on about how quickly it went and how much you want to go back? What’s up, England not good enough for you?, you ungrateful slag. If so, here are 10 Some folk holidaying in Blighty ways to keep that summer holiday going for just a little bit longer.

1: Cut out pictures of the place you visited and stick them to your windows. If it was a hot place turn the heating right up. 2: Only eat suspicious looking meat so you can re-live your holiday tummy trouble. 3: Only speak to people in a completely made up language so they don’t understand you. When they look at you in a funny way repeat yourself – shouting! 4: Pretend to get lost in your own street and ask people where the beach is. 5: Stop getting washed so the dirt looks like a gradually increasing sun tan. 6: Hire a moped, fall off and really hurt yourself. 7: Go to a supermarket and pay ten times the amount for bread and milk. 8: Keep handing postcards to the people you live with saying how much you miss them. 9: Fix your toilet so it doesn’t work and gradually gets smellier and smellier. 10: Savagely kill a bull for your own sick and twisted pleasure. Lastly : Why not try visiting your own country sometime! Rule Britannia!

47 PRETTY FEMALE DRIVERS ORDERED TO ‘PIG-UP’ Cleveland Police are warning good looking female drivers to make less of an effort with their appearances in order to stop male drivers ogling them and not concentrating on the road. D.I. Why of the Motorist Persecution Department said, ‘Our officers now have Stunner Guns that can register how beautiful a woman driver is from 200 feet away. If they’re over the limit we take them down to the station where they are given compulsory lessons in looking plain and ugly by specially drafted in female librarians.’ DAREDEVIL CHARITY FUND RAISER WIMPS OUT A Teesside fund raiser who was going to eat a take-away kebab stonecold-sober has chickened out of the stunt. Adam Fool (22) came up with the crazy idea when he saw an old man vomiting in the street. He told us, ‘As soon as I walked into Greasy Akbar’s in Stockton my stomach churned at the smell of stale fat. When I saw the big chunk of formed kebab meat turning on the spit I nearly passed out with nausea.’ Mr Akbar added, ‘He’ll be back on Saturday night after a skin full. Then I could offer him my own anus hairs and he’d eat them – providing there was chill sauce on them. Ha ha ha!’

TEES BALLY FIBBER

Dear T.B.F., It’s stupid that people put flowers at the sites of terrible car crashes when surely a warning sign would be a much more useful device to stop the same thing happening again. Shamus All, Eaglescliffe

Dear T.B.F., I think it’s lovely when pub landlords leave their bars to be run by people barley old enough to even be near alcohol. I enjoy having to repeat my order several times because the fun loving young scamps are clowning about with one another and playing the pub’s jukebox at incredibly loud levels. I’m being sarcastic by the way. Tim Gentlemen, Beckfields, Ingleby Barwick Dear T.B.F., I think my neighbour is Argentinean. To whom should I report this? Mrs Carol Singer, Yarm. Dear T.B.F., Aw crap, I’ve totally forgotten what I was going to moan about. Mz Jean Poole

Kid’s Korner

The Top 10 Things To Shout Out In Class To Worry Your Teacher! Wait until the class is completely quiet. Don’t look up from your desk, simply shout out one of the following phrases then deny all knowledge of doing so.

Dear T.B.F., So the French call us English people Roast Beefs, or les rosbifs, because they think we overcook beef do they? Froggy arseholes. We English know how to cook meat perfectly and we bloody well proved it with Joan Of Arc! Chris P. Saint, Sedgefield.

Dear T.B.F. I think it’s incredibly sexist of men who say women have no place in comedy because they just aren’t funny. I’m a man and I disagree whole heartedly. All the best jokes have women as the butt of them and long may it continue. Mr Hugh Jass, Middlesbrough

Dear T.B.F., I know Polish workers come to Britain looking for a better life and fair play to them. You should be allowed to go anywhere you want on this planet. Mind you, it’d be nice if some attractive Poles came over for a change. Jesus wept they’re an ugly race. Tommy Banana, Acklam

1: You had no right to kill that monkey!

6: Can anyone smell death?

2: No more corks for you, father!

7: But are you a good ghost or a bad ghost?

3: Look, I’m a kid and you’re a desk, it would never work out!

8: I like what you’ve done with your belly!

4: Oh I get it, we’re here to learn!

9: Get out of my head! I mean it, I will kill again!

5: Good God, woman, I don’t actually own a pony!

10: These aren’t my legs! Damn that hospital!

NEXT TIME IN KIDZ KORNER : Running with scissors made easy.

TEES BALLY FIBBER INQUEST INTO DEATH OF PARTY

An inquest has opened into the slow and painful death of a party last Saturday night in Acklam. The party, thrown by young couple Mark and Claire Bland, was last seen looking quite healthy at 7.30 when guests were starting to arrive. However, things turned sour less than an hour later when the booze began to run out and Mr Bland tried to embarrass guests into supplying their own drink. The Teesside Wasted Weekend Court may fine the couple if they find them guilty of ‘Luring Weekenders Into A False Sense Of Frivolity.’

INCREDIBLY TALL ORDEAL FINALLY OVER

People look like insects to Hilary, not because of her freakish height, because she takes drugs.

Teesside’s tallest resident Hilary Steeple has finally hit the ground after tripping-over 2 days earlier. Hilary, a staggering 7 foot 2 inches, slipped on some sick in Stockton Post Office the day before yesterday, but is so tall it took 48 hours for her to hit the deck. Because of her delayed descent to the floor Post Office workers were able to lay out a mattress for Hilary to land on. It was, however, stolen by yobs seconds before she landed and she smashed her face in.

THE HEADS TODAY Antique Shop Criticised For Giving Away Free Curses With Purchases Puppy Born With Legs Shorter On One Side Goes For First Walk, In Circle, Obviously Woman Shop Worker Wins Million Pound Compensation After Nasty Man Sneered At Her Boyfriend Joy For Fat Single Mother

POLICE SNIFFER DOG – I’M HOOKED ON DRUGS

He says his life is ruined and he’s off his furry face most days. Snowdon was fired from Cleveland Police 2 months ago after being found in Middlesbrough nightclub trying to buy drugs from a known dealer. The undercover C.I.D. officer who arrested him said, ‘Snowdon stood out a mile as he’s a dog. Everyone else in the club was either a man or a woman.’

Snowdon, on marching powder yesterday

Snowdon, Cleveland Police’s former top sniffer dog – who once brought to justice a massive skunk – may sue his former bosses claiming he’s now hooked on every kind of drug going.

FACT ME!

Snowdon told the Tees Bally Fibber he got hooked on drugs after sniffing so many during his time on the force and wants compensation from his former bosses. Recently, Snowdon has been spotted with Kate Moss and there are rumours they are to marry. The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you! Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print we give a bag full of silver paper to a homeless! ‘I am my own worst enemy. I send myself hate mail and shout nasty things to myself in the street. I once waited for myself down a back alley and beat the hell out of me.’ Dr Stanley Fraud, G.P, Stainsby

TEES BALLY FIBBER ‘FOOTBALL IS RUBBISH’ CLAIM SHOCKS FANS Boro Manager Gareth Southgate has stunned fans by being honest about football calling it ‘rubbish’. He said, ‘It’s pointless. It’s just some men running around. What’s the point of that?’ He also added his team will withdraw from matches in future to concentrate their Saturday afternoons on interesting things, like watching telly and going shopping with the wife. EVIL RACIST ARRESTED IN ‘OPERATION YOU’RE ETH-NICKED’ A Hartlepool man who admitted to laughing at a racist joke over 15 years ago has been arrested as part of Cleveland Police’s Operation You’re Eth-Nicked which is geared towards making asylum seekers and ethnic minorities feel even more empowered. The man was dragged from his home by 500 armed Police last night after an anonymous tip-off he found a racist joke funny in 1995. DI Why, who is in charge of Operation You’re EthNicked said, ‘We have to be seen to take racism seriously, and one day we will. And yes, although seventeen houses across Teesside were burgled whilst my officers were on this call out, we feel it’s a great step forward in sucking up to ‘that lot.’

TEES BALLY FIBBER

COUNCILLOR TO BURY HEAD IN SAND Maureen Gimp, a councillor for Stockton, is to bury her head in the sand of Redcar beach in a protest at over working of councillors in general. She said, ‘It’s simply not fair. We councillors are constantly being asked to do things and I for one am sick of it. I can’t go anywhere without someone asking me what I’m going to do about this and that and it’s going to stop.’

A foolish ostrich burying its head in concrete, yesterday.

Mz Gimp went on to say that people only become councillors for the expenses and getting their faces in the local paper. None of them have any idea what’s going on and couldn’t do anything to help even if they cared. Mz Gimp will bury her head in the sand this coming Sunday and remain there until people get the message. Or the tide comes in.

Girl raised by park benches begins new life Patty, the teenage girl who was found living wild in a Middlesbrough park, took another step towards normality as she was given a full time job. It’s thought Patty was abandoned as a baby and was raised by the park’s wooden benches, spending most of her life in an unmoving seated position, mimicking her adopted family. For 16 years countless passers by used her as a bench thinking she was some kind of novelty artwork seating. It was only when she farted last summer that someone noticed she was actually alive.

Patty’s mum, happy for her daughter’s success.

She was taken into care by Cleveland Social Services and given food, clothes and the ironic name Patty O’Furniture. Yesterday she began her first job, with National Express, as a seat for the elderly.

COMING UP... we ask the questions you daren’t, such as... Ooh ducky! Is the new fashion of men holding hands a modern representation of platonic friendship, or just dirty and poofy?

TEES BALLY FIBBER

THE WORD SMITH

Smithcart Smithinson Smith is the Fibber’s resident professor of words and he is determined to re-write the English language in his own manner. We let him do so because his wife is a dirty cow. SMITHCART SAYS :

Salutations, you inept bags of buggery. The Word ‘Smith’, for I am he, brings you my latest additions to the English language. Use them in polite conversation so they become ingrained into the collective psyche – say for example when you are next ordering fish and chips over the Internet! Ho ho. Coof (n) : The sound a pigeon makes when you kick it. Coofing (v) : The act or intent to kick a pigeon.

Coofer (adj) : A person who kicks pigeons

Vulspar (adv) : An internment camp for hunchbacks. Crindlehooks (adv) : Them bits of skin you get on your fingernails that really knack. Abontational (?) : Haven’t worked out what this is yet but it sounds like a word doesn’t it. Headless Geralds (n) : Abattoir floor cast offs and bowel scrapings rolled into a cylindrical shape and encrusted in hydrogenated flaky pastry. Yes, I know that’s a sausage roll, but I’m in charge, not you. The next time you feed your illegitimate offspring them for their breakfasts and luncheons, call them Headless Geralds. Got that?

Among the cases dealt with at Teesside Magistrates Court & Motorist Persecution Unit, are these bloody idiots…. Al Beback, 19, of Sedgefield, 20 years in prison for proving the non-existence of God using Microsoft Powerpoint in front of a shocked Church congregation. Mahatma Coat, 37 ,of Acklam, £500 fine for keeping a lion in his taxi to deter ‘runners.’ Shirley Knott, 54, of Billingham, 6 month ban for being drunk in the back of a stretch limo when she ‘should know better at that age.’ Captain Indigobeard Finrot The Terrible, 32, of Redcar, jailed for 18 months for perpetuating an historically inaccurate, stereotypical representation of pirates. And piracy.

SHOCKING THING HAPPENS A shocking thing has happened somewhere on Teesside but we cannot divulge any details for legal reasons. The man at the centre of the shocking thing, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told us, ‘This is the most shocking thing that has ever happened, I just wish I could say more but legal reasons forbid me doing so. JUDGE ORDERS FRAUDSTER TO SHOOT HERSELF A Judge at Teesside Crown Court has found Mrs Beverly Hacker of Eston guilty of defrauding pensioners in a bogus heating allowance scam. Mrs Hacker was fined £2000 and ordered to shoot herself in order to apologise to 91 year old Mr Ken Crumbs, in the spirit world, who died before the case was brought to trial.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

HOPE FOR CANNON DOGS in the early 1980s when gypsies started firing dogs at brick walls taking bets on which one would make the biggest mess.

A cannon dogging re-enactment

A Stockton charity aimed at finding homes for cannon dogs is being hailed as a partial success today as one dog was given to a proud new owner. Cannon Dogging used to be a very popular sport and involves loading up to five dogs into a big cannon and shooting them out with punters taking bets on which dog will go the furthest. For centuries Teesside has had the questionable

reputation for firing the most dogs out of cannon per annum. Indeed, the national record was set in 1871 by Zooming Jim, a Labrador from Acklam. The canine achieved a staggering mile and three quarter long blast and the stuffed pooch is on display today at the Dorman Museum. Cannon Dogging was once a national sport but is largely frowned upon in modern p.c. Britain as it gained a sinister name

A spokesman for S.H.O.C.C. - the Society for the Homing Of Cannon Canines - said, ‘Dogs can only survive around 9 cannon shots before they begin falling apart. They are then discarded by their cruel owners and are left in parks, often disorientated and hooked on booze.’ Now S.H.O.C.C. has managed to find a home for one of its nine hundred flying fidos. Pensioner Bill Howitzer yesterday took ownership of Candy - a 7 times cannon dog. He said he’s looking forward to eating it. It’s not all good news though, S.H.O.C.C. has stated that if homes are not found for its other 899 dogs by Saturday afternoon they will all be blown out of a large cannon – into the sea.

GO ON, HAVE A WIDDLE! EVERYONE’S DOING IT! Issued by the Toilet Federation Of Great Britain

You can’t take it with you!

TEES BALLY FIBBER

TEESSIDE, THE CULTURAL SIDE with…Common Eileen

Eileen Gonk is our cultural reporter bringing a new perspective to the arts – that of a dopey, scumbag chav. This week we sent her to watch Ernest Lovey’s production of Hamlet at the Darlington Civic Theatre. Here’s her report. ‘It was crap. I thought it was going to be like Big Brother ‘coz there was, like, all these different characters and I thought they’d start arguing and doing tasks and that, but it just went on and on. No one got evicted, I was like – what? I was there with me mobile out waiting for the eviction numbers but none came up. At half time I woke up and went for a few bevies.

When I found out how much a pint was I nearly smacked the cheeky little cow behind the bar. Luckily I’d brung two bottles of White Lightning and necked the lot before I went back in. They were still talking in that daft old way, I couldn’t understand a bleeding word. I couldn’t handle it no more and went off for a kebab.

Next time I’ll ax our lad to burn a copy of the DVD and watch that, if I can be bothered. And why was it called Hamlet?, I didn’t see one single actor smoking a cigar. I think the writer William Shakespeare should stop writing this kind of poncy rubbish and get a job writing on Eastenders or Coronation Street. Summat class like that.’

Eileen – we did try to de-chavify her, but she’s too far gone.

COMING UP... we ask the questions you daren’t, such as... Was Hitler REALLY from Thornaby? We uncover the truth once and for all. Animal rights, animal wrongs? We uncover Middlesbrough Council’s new plan to fit small legged dogs with brushes to their tummies to assist with street cleaning cutbacks. PLUS! The Word ‘Smith’ might deem to tell us how to say words like ‘frigate’ and ‘Wankel Rotary Engine’ in polite conversation without embarrassing ourselves by sniggering.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

MAN HOUNDED OUT FOR BEING DIABETIC It sounds like a headline from a spoof newspaper, but to Jim Staines of Thornaby it’s nothing short of a sugar coated nightmare.

However, his neighbours can’t believe how stupid he is. One woman, a nurse, told us, ‘He’s not diabetic, he just a pervert. He’s constantly caught stealing women’s underwear from washing lines and tells the Police he needs the garments to get his sugar levels down.’

Ever since he moved into his rented house in Bongo Street he’s been bullied, called names and even had sweets put through his letterbox at night, simply for being diabetic. Mr Staines said, ‘If I so much as touched those sweets I’d explode, that’s what happens to diabetics.’ Mr Staines went on to say people resent

him because he’s unable to work due to his condition and has to inject himself with diabetic stuff 9 million times a day

The TBF put this accusation to Mr Staines. His response was, ‘Oh did I say diabetes. I meant asthma. And if I’m ever caught stealing bras it’s because I use them as breathing masks.’

Cruel yobs were being hunted by the Police and the RSPCA after an old woman’s cat was launched into space.

the rocket and launched it themselves. The same gang are thought to be behind several acts of animal cruelty.

mower - using black magic - so the dog isn’t allowed indoors any more for fear of ruining the carpet.

A REAL diabetic, yesterday

Animal cruelty thugs hunted The cat was snatched from Mr Edna Cobblers garden yesterday afternoon and strapped into a miniature home made jet propulsion rocket, complete with booster stage motors and on board guidance computers. The cat was last heard by NASA in the vicinity of the Crab Nebula constellation. The thugs, a known gang of 11 – 17 year old hoodies, built

Last week they snatched a toddler’s pet rabbit and got it a job presenting on a cable shopping channel game show. The frightened animal was left without an autocue for two hours before the producers realised it wasn’t a proper presenter. The yobs are also thought to have turned a Labrador’s back legs into a lawn

The ‘shitting itself’ cat, photographed by the Hubble Telescope, yesterday.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

MAN KIDNAPS HIMSELF, BUT REFUSES TO PAY RANSOM A 52 year old bank manager has kidnapped himself at gunpoint as he left work yesterday. Geoffrey Bungle then forced himself to drive blindfold to a secret location by himself as he pushed the gun barrel into his own ribs.

Mr Bungle then made an anonymous phone call to the Barkswest Bank demanding £50 in used coins in return for himself. But, half an hour later, Mr Bungle made another call in his role as bank manager saying he would not give in to kidnappers. The deadlock continues. His wife told us this isn’t the first time Mr Bungle has fallen foul of himself. Last year he beat himself up over an argument about a parking space.

Mr Bungle, yesterday

THE HEADS TODAY StokeslEy Man With No Arms Chalks Up 1 Millionth ‘Have You Got The Time On Yer Cock’ Remark Arsonists Threaten To Go On Strike If Fire Brigade Harassment Doesn’t Stop Transvestite Dog Can Wear Make Up In Albert Park Rules Council Tees Researcher’s 20 Billion Pound Report Finds That Lager Does Cause Crabs To Walk In Straight Line

TEES BALLY FIBBER

DR HAZZA D’GUESS Your medical questions answered

Dear Dr D’Guess, Why do we have poo in our bums?

DR D’GUESS SAYS: A good question. When we sleep, poo mites climb out of our mattresses and up our bottoms where they shed their skin. This discarded skin collects and quickly rots to become, what we know as, poo poo. That’s why it is necessary to jettison the matter every morning. Scientists are working on a new kind of mattress that kills poo mites so toilets will soon become a thing of the past. We’ll still need wee wees so perhaps they won’t. Dear Dr D’Guess, My doctor tells me I have a terminal condition. What does this mean and can I get a sick note for it? DR D’GUESS SAYS: A terminal condition is medical jargon for someone who spends too much time on the internet – meaning they’re looking at the computer terminal for long periods. This may cause your eyes to heal up, but it’s a temporary condition. Rubbing a

mixture of duck feathers and aeroplane vapour trails into your eyes 90 times a day can solve this problem. I’ve sent you a sick note.

Here is a picture of a human skellingtone.

Dear Dr D’Guess, Is it true the human body is 100% water? DR D’GUESS SAYS: It is, yes. Our amazing bodies are 100% water and 18% bones and kidneys. Did you also know that if you laid all your internal organs out on the grass they’d stretch from here to there. Then you’d die! Amazing!

FACT ME!

There’s more from Dr Hazza D’Guess next time, providing the outcome of his current malpractice hearing is favourable. She was old. The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you! Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print we organise a day out for a vulture!

‘I am a paranoid telepath. I can only read people’s thoughts when they are thinking bad things about me. And I am a scorpion.’ Foster Child, Nunthorpe

TEES BALLY FIBBER

the Tees Bally Fibber’s A WEEK IN with gardener in question; THE GARDEN Mary Q. Contrary On Monday I started planting some geranium seeds now that the cold snap has passed. I didn’t finish the job as I found half a bottle of cider and some gin under the rhododendrons. I must have left it there when I passed out the day before. I swigged it down and fell asleep in God’s lovely sunshine. And rain. Tuesday. It was time to dig up the carrots. I went to fetch my hoe from the shed and found some sherry I’d been hiding from my husband. I drank it all and woke up face down in the compost heap seven hours later. Wednesday came and went, I suppose. Don’t remember it AT ALL as my home brew was ready for supping. Thursday was the day I had set aside to cut back the conifers. And I would have done just that if I hadn’t found a tenner in my husband’s trousers and bought some brandy with it. Slept in the shed all day.

Friday. I wanted to do something about the greenfly my poor sunflowers are suffering from. I got a bottle of Dr Aphid’s Bug Off, but it didn’t make it as far as the sunflowers I’m afraid. It smelt like vodka so I necked the lot. Not sure if it did the trick but I did pass out. Woke up in my own vomit. Saturday and I dug out the electric shears to tackle that ruddy overgrown honeysuckle. Lost a finger and half a can of Special Brew. Luckily I had more Special Brew in the potting shed. Sunday. Drank quite a lot of supermarket wine in readiness for cutting the lawn. Strong stuff as I woke up in the living room after apparently mowing the carpet to buggery. Jim says he’s going to leave me.

COMING UP... we ask the questions you daren’t, such as...

Was Einstein an idiot? ...and we ask Spike Pain, lead singer with Tees death-metal band Dollarcaust about whether he’d ever consider growing up and playing some proper music. PLUS COMPETITION TIME : Win a kidney! You never know when you might need it!

TEES BALLY FIBBER

BONES OF CHARLIE CHAPLIN FOUND IN KEBAB Kebab shop owner Asif Bymagic claims it’s not a publicity stunt – he has definitely found the bones of silent film clown Charlie Chaplin in his exclusive kebab shop, situated amidst dozens of other exclusive kebab shops in Stockton’s Little Gutrot area at the top end of the High Street.

was Charlie Chaplin.’

Asif said he found the full skeleton of Charlie Chaplin in one of the large boulders of kebab meat (a.k.a. giants’ winkies) that he was about to put on the rotisserie spit.

Asif is now renaming his low quality drunk-food bar Chaplin’s Bones Zone in honour of the historical find and is putting the skeleton on display in the window. But is it all a big hoax? Readers may remember a few months ago Asif claimed he’d found Hitler’s missing testicle in a Kofta.

‘At first I thought it was just animal bones which you often find in the slabs. Roadkills, unwanted pets and the like. But no, this was a full human skellywobble still connected together. Then I found a moustache, a bowler hat and a cane. I then knew it

Chaplin’s body was stolen from its tomb in Switzerland in 1978. Despite the cadaver being returned 11 weeks later and reburied under concrete – and still being there – Asif knows for definite he has the bones of the legendary film star. LYING LITTLE GET

And just before that he claimed he had an exact replica image of the Shroud Of Turin burned onto a parmo.

WHAT THE FIBBER SAYS: Why won’t they tell us exactly what goes into kebab meat? A greasy world of congealed secrecy surrounds the vile concoction we should now call Shush Kebabs! Are the myths true? Is it really all the bits of animals the slaughter house staff can scrape off the abattoir walls? Hooves, eyes, beaks, lungs and bum bums? All minced up with car tyres, suicide victims who cannot be buried in consecrated ground, and a secret blend of delicious spices?

Charlie Chaplin, yesteryear

Also, adding fuel to the theory Asif is merely making up these stories as publicity stunts, his brother who owns the kebab shop next door - is claiming he’s found pop star Madonna’s breasts in some scraggy old turkey burgers that even the town’s drunks won’t eat. He’s renamed his outlet Madonna Kebabs.

The Fibber says it’s high time we had more traditional English drunk-food to choose from. Let’s get our streets littered with half eaten Yorkshire puddings, semi chewed roast beef, and spewed up gravy! We want to find fish and chip wrappers in our bushes every Sunday morning, not pizza boxes and parmo cartons like some dirty foreign country such as Greece or Wales. And who wants garlic and chilli sauce tubs emptied over our parked cars after drunks have torn down our streets at night, eh? No one! We want mint sauce and English mustard on our windscreens! This is England and we win our wars!

TEES BALLY FIBBER

TRIBUTES PAID TO GENTLEMAN THUG Tributes have been paid to a kind hearted Teesside thug who died yesterday after a long battle with another Teesside thug. Kevin Jongler (29), nicknamed Stamp Duty, was respected by fellow drinkers in Stockton’s Tattooed Arms pub as a hard knock lunatic who’d stamp your face off - his uniquely honed speciality act of violence – if he felt inclined to, but was nice about it. ‘He was a true gent,‘ said Madge Endomorph, landlady of the Arms. ‘He’d stamp the face off anyone he didn’t like, but he always bid them goodnight as the ambulance drove them away.’

Stamp Duty lost a brawl with an especially huge thug named Punch Drunk who had recently started drinking in the boozer.

Punch Drunk’s speciality is repeated rabbit punches to the kidneys and Stamp Duty’s were that of a 87 year old after years of constant drinking. GENEROUS DONATION

Another drinker The Tattooed Arms monthly black and white told us, ‘Stamp cowboy night, yesterday Duty drank 20 – 25 pints of he died - inside the florist lager a day, but he always shop next door to the pub. had money left over for Stamp was thrown charity. He once handed into Floral Sex through over a full wallet of cash the window during to a woman collecting the fracas. The kind for Great Ormond Street. hearted thug will lay I remember it vividly in state in the Tattooed because it was my wallet. He’d just stamped my face Arms pub from off too, so I couldn’t forget Wednesday afternoon it could I,’ laughed the low until he starts to smell. His estranged wife is life stain. Stamp Duty’s expected to turn up to drinking buddies have stamp his dead face off. laid some flowers where

TEES BALLY FIBBER

TEACHER WHO GAVE KIDS ACCESS TO BANK ACCOUNT IS SKINT Branded the worst teacher ever by school governors, Mr Tom Tit of Ormesby’s Our Lady Of The Ipod school, has once again lived up to his reputation by giving his pupils full access to his bank account.

Many of the kids are still missing, presumed on an national spending spree. He told us, ‘I was trying to teach them the value of money. I thought they might invest the cash into bonds or pension schemes. Instead they just

Last month the mad master hit the headlines by giving pupils as young as 11 a large glass of whiskey each and a turn driving his car to show them the dangers of drink driving. His Ford Galaxy was written off when inebriated pupils drove it repeatedly into a library.

Mr Tit, photographed on a recent school trip to raise awareness of heights

grabbed what they could and went mad. Now I’m broke and in danger of losing my job.’

TAXI DRIVER LAID TO REST Hundreds of taxi drivers took to the road today in a huge convoy to lay to rest their fellow road mate Douglas Buggerlugs who died after a short run in with an even shorter pier last month. The long procession of slow moving taxis took Douglas’s remains from his home to Middlesbrough’s Crematorium this morning. And in the best taxi driving traditions they were 40 minutes late and Douglas’s corpse was charged £15.00 for the 2 mile journey. His house was also burgled by friends of the other taxi drivers who’d been tipped off it was now empty. ‘It’s what Dougy would have wanted,’ one told us. SWEENY DODD CHALKS UP 99TH CUSTOMER A Marton hairdresser, one of only a handful still offering steel razor shaves, has notched his 99th victim this week. Mondas Dodd, a chirpy Hungarian immigrant who moved to Teesside 45 years ago, has been slashing the throats of strangers to his establishment for the last 30 years. ‘People who know me only come in for haircuts, but visitors to the area don’t know my naughty habit and ask for

He was even banned from the library. Parents have called for him to be relieved of his duties before his proposed ‘Playing With Matches Festival’ next week.

a razor blade shave,‘ laughed the fat faced bonkers barber in broken English. Mondas then hides the bodies in his cellar. He says he’s going to do one more to make it an even 100 then hang up his razor for good. ‘It’s been fun, but I think I’ve done my bit for notorious murder on Teesside.’ He is going to start an allotment when he retires. HEROES RESCUED BY COWARD A Tees pleasure boat hosting an annual Bravery Awards ceremony struck a discarded Asda trolley and rapidly began sinking last night. Two men and a woman, who had just received awards for bravery, fell into the water and sank as they refused to let go of their heavy golden awards. Jeff Coward, an unemployed man, was out relaxing drinking sherry and reading erotic literature by the banks of the Tees in Thornaby, witnessed the event. He leapt into the water and rescued all three of the sinking heroes by dragging them to the shore – still with their awards clasped firmly in their arms. The host of the Bravery Awards said Jeff was a true hero. However, Jeff is not eligible to receive a bravery award himself as it was he who chucked the Asda trolley in the river in the first place.

TEES BALLY FIBBER THE PROF SAYS… Next.

Dear Professor Husk, Every night I dream I am alone in a bucket and all these voices are screaming Dear at me ‘mad mad mad!’ I Professor run round the bucket they Husk, Your dreams follow me all crying ‘You are I sleepmad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! explained. shoplift! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! It’s true. I Mad!’ Do you think this fell asleep Professor Husk means I am mad? watching is a canal full of Polly Anne Saturate, Ant and Dec information. Middlesbrough. the other THE PROF SAYS… day and No. It’s perfectly normal. Dear Professor Husk, woke up You’re probably worried leaving the Asda with my I often dream I am a bus about work. It’s called that just keeps going round pockets full of groceries. I. Cantbeleiveitsnotbutter, stress. Do what I do the same stops time and and smash bottles in the Acklam. again. Is this rare? street. The dreams will Marge Areen, Stockton. THE PROF SAYS… eventually stop. You are definitely as mad THE PROF SAYS… If you’re troubled by a as parmesan, but I have I got another letter like yours dream, email it in to the sent you my shopping list on the same day. Typical, Prof. There’s a prize for just in case it happens you don’t get any like this the most disturbed wacko again. Read it before you for ages, then two come we hear from. go to bed. along at once. You’re what we call a ‘mad person’. Mad mad mad. Dear Professor Husk, I dream that I am a candle with a flame burning on my head and it hurts so much. Olivia Spread, Stainsby. THE PROF SAYS… A candle hey? Well you’re getting on my wick and I don’t even know you, ho ho! Get lost you mad idiot. Dear Professor Husk, Is it normal to dream that nobody can be bothered with me? It’s affecting my waking hours because I am now very withdrawn. I think nobody has the time for me. Kerry Gold, Norton.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

SAUL ERFHOLT

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SAUL ERFHOLT : GET THE KNIFE IN BEFORE SHE DOES

THE HEADS TODAY Scarecrow Cleared Of Shop Dummy Rape GP Says Taking Cider And Fags From Teesside Mums-To-Be Is Like Taking Happy Pills Off A Mental Buddhist Monk Found Dead – His Condition Is Temporary Dwarf Found Alive After 20 Years Stuck In Fat Bloke’s Butt Crack

TEES BALLY FIBBER

MEAT IS NOT MURDER Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, Sausage Sickness - it’s never been a better time to turn vegetarian. But we at The Tees Bally Fibber want to put both sides of the argument to you, fairly and squarely, before you decide to become one of those pasty faced losers. Here’s The Tees Bally top five reasons we should eat animals.

1 They’d get bored if we didn’t eat them. That’s why farmers take bites out of their livestock to keep them occupied on the way to the slaughterhouse. 2 Animals don’t have a pension system so if they didn’t get scoffed they’d retire with no money. 3 Chickens must be eaten otherwise they grow fifty foot high and turn into terrorists.

4 Pigs, sheep and cows are ugly. 5 It’s their own fault for tasting so good.

INDUSTRIOUS TEESSIDERS from history and that Thomas Braintree 1870 - 1932 Inventor of the Gentlemen’s Nose Hook When Thornaby’s Thomas Braintree’s was wooing his young love Marie, they found themselves in Stockton’s Ropner Park on a hot sunny day. Marie wished to remove her hat, but being a lady would not do so as there was nowhere for her to hang it, (as per the rules of Victorian hat etiquette.) Thomas, seeing her embarrassment, ran home and invented the Gentlemen’s Nose Hook. It was a sturdy iron coat hook a man could attach to his nose with a powerful spring loaded clip thus providing a place for a lady to hang her hat should she ever wish to do so. Sadly, upon his return to the park – several hours later – Marie had been arrested for strangling swans to death, having become bored by Thomas’s absence. The romance failed but the Gentlemen’s Nose Hook proved a success. Thomas went on to patent it and sold a staggering 23 Nose Hooks over the next 30 years.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

Come And Have A Pint If You Think You’re Hard Enough

THE BROKEN ARMS s t o c k t o n

Teesside’s hardest pub welcomes you Lunchtime offer : Economy burger, bag of crisps, 10 pints of lager with chaser, smack in the mouth £7.50 (Mon – Sat 12-2 pm) Evening meal : Microwave pizza, crisps and 13 pints of lager, punch in the stomach £9.00 (Every week night except when there’s something good on the telly.) Chinese Buffet every Sunday night. 3 courses all with chips, 15 pints, plus a karate chop to the throat £10 per person. Kiddies half price. Hospital and ambulance bookings free! Phone now 01111 757357375 NO PROFESSIONAL FIGHTERS PLEASE, THIS IS A FAMILY PUB

TEES BALLY FIBBER

CELEB TO ADOPT TEESSIDE ‘THIRD WORLD’ CHILD A Portrack woman is claiming she is to give up her thirteen year old daughter to a celebrity in another controversial adoption publicity stunt fiasco. Hot on the heels of Madonna and Angelina Jolie adopting kids from Africa and Vietnam, another headline hungry ‘novary’ is after a kid from a ‘loser town’, this time Stockton. The bizarre twist in this adoption stunt is that the celebrity concerned is none other than the late Diana, Princess Of Wales. The child’s mum, Kylie O’Reilly, 24, said, ‘I was contacted by the late Diana’s people via the Wednesday Ouija Board

hoodie teens with ASBOs, loudmouthed alcoholic sun-bed burned women draped in cheap market stall jewellery, and pollution. I was unsure at first as I thought they were categorising Teesside as a stereotypical run down suburban slum which isn’t true.

Di, thinking of Teesside from beyond the grave, yesterday

session at Stockton Library. The ghosts told me Diana could offer a better home for Kylieina in the spirit world rather than Teesside which is a dump full of violent bald headed men with vicious dogs,

This area has a high proportion of achievers in the both industry and the arts plus many areas of outstanding natural beauty. But, when Diana herself added it would free up more time for my drinking I thought – whoopee! I’m out tonight!’

PENSIONER DUMP SHOCK IN BILLINGHAM Thousands of unwanted pensioners are to be dumped in Billingham town centre making the town an octogenarian eyesore, according to Councillor Maureen Gimp. The old people, evicted from nursing homes all across Europe, will be left wandering the streets, mumbling in some daft foreign language getting in people’s ways. ‘It’s ludicrous,‘ ranted Councillor Gimp, ‘We have enough dithering and boring old people of our own, now we have to put up with a load of European coffin dodgers. They’ll smell even worse than ours!’ Stockton Council, who received an undisclosed

3 figure bung in return for taking the foreign wrinklies, claim the dumping will not affect life A typical pensioner, yesterday, in the town getting in the way. centre if people simply avoid the place. We asked them to elaborate but a spokeswoman for the council told us,’ I have no further comment. We have bought an X-Box with the money the EEC gave us and it’s my turn for a go.’

TEES BALLY FIBBER SPONSOR A HATE CRIME The Teesside branch of B.A.D., Bigots Against Difference, today began a week long fund raising campaign and are asking the public to sponsor their violent attacks on minorities. All proceeds will go to Bun Fun, the charity that sends sick or injured rabbits away on adventure holidays. A spokesperson for the Gay, Lesbian & Men Who Spike Their Hair Up At The Front Alliance said, ‘Hate crime is normally wrong. But this is positive hate crime, so it’s good. Yeah? Is that right? I dunno. Eeeeh, what am I like. Shut that door.’ SHOPPERS WORRY OVER LOSS OF POST OFFICE Shoppers are today ‘worried sick’ over the loss of Middlesbrough town centre Post Office after it went missing two days ago. Post Office staff turned up for work on Wednesday morning and found nothing but a large hole in the ground. Everything was gone, fixtures, fittings, bricks, windows, all vanished. Staff think the Post Office has absconded with a Council Tax Office from Thornaby which ran away at the same time. The pair are thought to have met over the Internet. BUS DRIVERS ALLOWED CONTROLLED CRASHES Tees bus drivers have been given the green light to deliberately crash their buses into low bridges to deter destructive behaviour on top decks. Vandalism on the upper decks of double decker buses has risen by 67% over the last year. One driver told us, ‘Those mindless yobs might walk onto my bus, but they’re coming off in body bags, let me tell you.’

TESCO AND ASDA - DEAD

One of the deceased supermarkets, yesterday.

Asda Thornaby and Tesco Ingleby Barwick have had a fight to the death. The incident occurred at around 2 o’clock this morning on neutral ground between the two towns where the supermarkets beat the hell out of one another. Asda and Tesco - who uprooted themselves from their foundations and met at the agreed battle ground - have been enemies for several years and are both now in a state of utter devastation. Groceries, clothing, tills, broken windows and brickwork litter the site. ‘It’s hard to tell where one wrecked shop starts and the other finishes,’ said one onlooker.

It’s thought the feud started with a price war and escalated from there. Last month Asda was accused of making bogus bomb threats to Tesco in retaliation for daubing ‘Asda is a homo’ on it’s warehouse doors. Several smaller shops are thought to have been on the sidelines egging the two consumer giants on. A Bells, a Forbouys and two branches of One Stop were seen to be shouting ‘fight fight fight.’ They of course will financially benefit from the destruction of the two supermarkets, but are being questioned by a Police Station.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

I Found Jesus There’s £50 for every eagle eyed Tees Bally Fibber reader who spots Jesus out and about on Teesside. Here ARE last week’s winners. Alan Bell, maggot farmer I spotted Jesus in the alley behind our house. He was going through the bins. At first I thought he was after people’s personal details to commit credit card fraud, but it turned out he’d lost his mobile. June December, receptionist I saw Jesus in the 9 items or less queue in Asda on Portrack Lane, Stockton. He had ten items but when I pointed this out he said the tangerines were buy one get one free. I said sorry and he forgave me.

Bill Andben, mint salesman Jesus was in Subway in Stockton town centre. He got a barbecue rib foot long. I was shocked because aren’t messiahs meant to be vegetarian? This week Christ will be in the Acklam area Monday to Wednesday then in Redcar for the remainder of the week.

RUDE FOOD WANTED A family fun day at Preston Park, planned for next week, is going to feature all kinds of foodstuffs that are remotely rude in shape.

Billed as ‘Cop A Mouthful Of That’, the event will display all manner of food that is reminiscent of cheeky human body parts. The organisers are asking for anyone who has found a bottom shaped peach, or has made a

couple of wobbly booby shaped jellies with strawberry nipples, to bring them along to the event.

It is hoped this year’s show will be a better affair that last year’s washout when just one person turned up. It was an old man with a cucumber who kept poking people with it and shouting ‘Hulk horny!’ Some rude food, yesterday

TEES BALLY FIBBER

RUSHED? STRESSED? NOT FEELING AT Y’BEST! Today’s life in the busy fast lane of the rat race can be arduous to say the least! Get up! Go to work! Come home! It’s like playing snakes & ladders in a lunatic asylum that’s burning down isn’t it. Well fear not, help is at hand with me, Morty Vicar, The Tees Bally Fibber’s lifestyle guru. Here’s my top 10 tips for coping with the busy morning rush hour! 1) Shave valuable seconds of your morning ablutions by going to the toilet in your bed. A wee and a poo can take anything up to 15 minutes so by doing it in your bed you can take a couple of those minutes back for a nifty lie in, ho ho! 2) Eat a hearty breakfast – they told my daddy before they hanged him. But have you really got the time to fill a bowl with cereal? Come off it! Eat as much cereal and toast BEFORE you go to bed. Hey presto, you won’t even wake up hungry. And this can help with tip number 1 as well! 3) Got kids? Dress them in their school clothes, coats and shoes the night before so you don’t have to waste time dressing them in the morning. And don’t

bother cooking them a breakfast, send them off with a carrier bag full of crisps – quick, easy, convenient food they can open themselves. Marvellous! 4) Getting dressed is the real time killer for go-getting young moderns like us, so keep your clothes on the passenger seat of your car and drive to work naked, dressing yourself as you go. You’ll have saved more time and given yourself an exercise workout too. 5) A morning shower’s all well and good for a weekend, but not for a work day. Keep a bucket of water and disinfectant, and a rag on a stick in the passenger foot well of your car. Hey presto you can wash yourself down as you drive. Ideal for getting some of the dirt off your legs if you followed tip number 1. 6) Icy mornings are a time killer because your car is so frosty, innit! So leave your engine running all night long with the car door open. Hey presto, the next morn your windows will be frost free and the engine will be raring to go. The heating will be as warm as toast too. Mmmm. 7) Traffic jams are a nightmare, so drive wildly and erratically mounting curbs, pavements and ploughing through people’s gardens. This’ll shave off miles and minutes from your journey.

8) Mind you, the Police might pull you over so pay a fat woman to sit in the back of your car pretending to be a pregnant lady in labour. The Police have to let you speed, it’s the law! Don’t forget to tell her rub her tummy a lot and say ‘Ooh, it’s on it’s way’ and ‘Ow this knacks!.’ 9) Parking is always difficult at your place of work, isn’t it. Don’t bother! Simply plough your car into your boss’s car and sneak into work the back way. Then, report your car stolen and wait for someone else to find it. Hey presto the parking problem is solved and your may even strike up a conversation with your boss and secure a promotion. 10) Idle talk not only costs lives, it costs time too. Do not indulge in conversations with the people you work with. Blank them! Pretend they don’t exist. If anyone is determined to talk to you use violence to your advantage. And if you feel like you’re missing out on all the gossip – start some! Write malicious lies about your workmates on the toilet walls then you won’t need to stand chatting all morning. You are now at your place of work, fed, clothed, washed and ready for a hard day’s work. Have a nice day!

TEES BALLY FIBBER

RENT THE CANARY OF DEATH Lucifer Sam hit the Tees Bally Fibber headlines last month with the story ‘Canary Of Death Strikes Again’, and since then he hasn’t stopped working! Lucifer Sam is the resident pet canary of Ingleby Barwick’s Necropolis Nursing Home who’s become a barometer of impending doom!

An owl atop a stick, yesterday (we couldn’t find a picture of a canary)

Every tea time Lucifer Sam is allowed to fly about the dinner hall so the old people had something to point to as they eat. The bird lands on the heads of the old folk, much to the amusement of the staff. But, it was soon discovered that every wrinkly

Lucifer Sam landed on died that very night. ‘It was amazing once we worked it all out,’ said Nursing Home Manageress Ruth Less, ‘We started taking bets on who’d be next! I made 70 quid in one week!.’ She went on to say the pensioners don’t really enjoy Lucifer Sam’s free time now and sit in silent dread waiting for the bird to land. Now, Mz Less is renting out Lucifer Sam’s services at £100 a day. So if you have a reaper sneaker who’s way past their smell by date, give the Ingleby Barwick Necropolis Nursing Home a bird-call.

THE HEADS TODAY Lardy Woman Kills Two In Bingo Wing Whiplash Incident Off Licence Slammed For Selling Booze To Kids – In Playground! Teesside Film Critic Uncovers Startling Fact About Bollywood Movies – They’re Rubbish Indian Restaurant Destroyed By Fire After Owners Burn Teesside Film Critic In Effigy

TEES BALLY FIBBER TERROR AT WIFEPOINT A man has robbed an off licence brandishing an offensive wife. The rough looking, tattooed wife snarled and berated Ali Khan in his Boozey Nights cheap plonk shop in Middlesbrough last night. Ali handed over the evening’s takings in fear of a terrible, shouty, nagging from the sinister spouse. The robber left with his dangerous wife and were last seen stood outside the off licence waiting for a taxi. REDCAR GETS SHOCK WAKE UP CALL

A Redcar man yesterday

The people of Redcar were stunned speechless yesterday when someone told them it’s the 21st century. The residents of the seaside town couldn’t believe their ears that it wasn’t still the 1970s and have already begun modernising their houses and businesses in an effort to bring them in line with today’s standards of living. THERAPIST RELEASED ON BAIL AFTER TYPO MIX UP A mobile beauty therapist has been given bail but still doesn’t know if she will be taken off the sex offenders list. Jenny Tulls was arrested when she handed out her business card to an off duty police woman. The card had a typo in the shape of a space in the word therapist so it read THE RAPIST, HOME VISITS AVAILABLE. Jenny described her arrest as bloody stupid.

MUSLIM MAN FINDS WIFE MISSING FROM BURKA A Muslim man is today left scratching his head in disbelief after realising his wife’s burka has been empty for the last 5 years. Mr Smith from Stockton took a peak inside his hide-the-wife costume to ask if she wanted a cup of tea and failed to get a response.

‘It’s our anniversary so I thought I’d spoil her this year with a nice cup of PG Tips. When I looked in the peep hole slot I found a note saying she was leaving me dated five years ago.’

This isn’t the first time Mr Smith has made a right burka out of himself. Ten years ago he married a post box by mistake. ‘I was made Anybody in? to look a fool that day too. It wasn’t until someone posted a letter into my new wife’s eyes that I realised I’d made a terrible error.’

TEES BALLY FIBBER

THE WORD SMITH

Smithcart Smithinson Smith is the Fibber’s resident English language expert because he’s got a posh accent. SMITHCART SAYS :

Salutations, you indolent cretins. The Word ‘Smith’, for I am he, brings you my latest additions to the English language. Use them at all times so I might be recognised for my services to literature and receive a knighthood, honorary degree, or a fumble with the fat, divorced harridan at number 32. Frooming (v): The feeling of anguish one gets when ringing a constantly engaged number. Bingo Dingos (n): The obese, loud and

voraciously hungry breed of, almost feral, women who attend such places as bingo halls. A.k.a. cows. A Packet Of Fags (n): The collective noun for a meeting of homosexuals. Davey Jones Knockers (n): A middle aged lady’s breasts that have sagged to a point that is technically below sea level. Harrisons (n): Metal poles you find in the street with bright illumination atop them. Formerly known as lampposts. They are Harrisons now, got that?! Harrisons!!! – harrumph!

COMING UP... we ask the questions you daren’t, such as... Why do all the men who work in electrical and computer shops look like paedophiles? How bloody awful is that block of student flats on Victoria Bridge? And Simon Cowell – should WE pay for his assisted suicide?

Among the cases dealt with at Teesside Magistrates Court & Motorist Persecution Unit, are these bloody idiots…. Barbara Higgle (34) from Acklam, banned from speaking for 18 months and talking ‘general female drivel.’ Steven Heliport (13) sentenced to birching for giving ‘that surly look’ they do. Mo Leicester (29), Peter Phile (45) and K.D. Diddler (31), all of Saltburn, jailed ‘just in case.’

TEES BALLY FIBBER

GINGER BABY RECALL WARNING The NHS has issued an urgent recall warning to the parents of ginger babies born between 1989 and 1995. The children, some of which are now teenagers, are dangerously flawed and could explode if they don’t get their own way.

Dr Spockter of Middlesbrough’s Thomas Cook Hospital And Travel Agents told us, ‘Ginga girls are most likely to erupt as they enter the teenage years, the red haired gene makes them far more prone to strops.’

A typical ginger person running for a bus, yesterday.

The faulty gene, commonly known as Gingus Khan’s Syndrome, makes the red haired sufferers angrier, paler and probably radioactive. If you had a child between these dates, and they carry the ‘curse of the cantankerous carrot’, please drop them off at any NHS Hospital so they can be dealt with.

THERESA JOLLY UNLUCKY FELLOW It’s THE joke of Norton town, and it’s all thanks to one woman. As a middle aged woman named Theresa was walking her dog last Saturday in high winds, a tree fell on her pinning her to the ground. Then, as she tried to untangle herself she was crushed by another tree, this time a bigger one! Passers by tried to help but were virtually incapacitated with laughter at the ironic accident. But the best was yet to come.

The fallen trees, yesterday, ho ho!

When the ambulance arrived it skidded on the wet grass and hit another tree which also landed on luckless Theresa. After much hilarity she was eventually freed and taken to hospital where she

is in a stable condition. One Norton resident said, ‘We shouldn’t laugh, but we’re going to anyway.’ And the woman’s full name – get this, it’s Theresa Heavy! Her dog died in the incident but didn’t have an ironic name.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

POLICE HUNT FIRE BRIGADE CRITICISED FOR NAKED FOR BEING CHAV-IST BRUCIE POSER When a row of houses in Grangetown were burning to the ground Fire Brigade crews did nothing, claiming they thought that’s how they were supposed to look.

The Brigade said they were doubly sure it wasn’t a real emergency as the local kids were NOT throwing stones at them. Instead they were screaming things like ‘Our houses are on fire!’, which they took for street slang for ‘Do you want to buy some drugs?’ Well what do you think? Brucie in the decent version of the pose

Police are hunting a serial flasher who leaps out in front of people – stark naked – and does the famous Bruce Forsyth ‘Thinker pose.’ The man, in his late sixties, is obviously not of Jewish origin, has been nicknamed Bruce Foreskin. He is known to have flashed 9 different women in Ingleby Barwick in the last month. One woman said, ‘It was horrible. It was definitely not nice to see him, to see him not nice.’

Were the Fire Brigade being chav-ist? Are we for reporting this incident without any degree of

FACT ME!

Some fire, yesterday

sympathy? And would a story like this offend anyone in Grangetown if someone were to read it out to them? Let us know what you think by pressing the red button on your remote and going to the toilet. A wee wee for yes, a poo for no. The Tees Bally Fibber wants to hear from you! Tell us a fact about yourself and for each one we print we rescue a beach donkey from Whitby and set it free back into sea.

‘The sun makes my eyes swell up like a couple of breasts. It’s very embarrassing as normally I would never dream of going topless.’ Leigh Vermalone, Maltby

TEES BALLY FIBBER

FORCED MARRIAGE HELPLINE A SUCCESS A new helpline for men who are suffering intimidation from naggy girlfriends to get married is being hailed a success today. The groundbreaking service invites frightened men to ring the line for help, who in turn ring the hint dropping harridans and puts them straight on a few things.

‘We tell them things like they should put less effort into getting married and more into getting their fat arses to the gym,’

A bloody woman dropping hints, yesterday

says Wench Adviser Jim Panzee. ‘Men will marry when they are good and ready and if the woman thinks her biological clock is ticking away she can always marry an older man. It’s simple.’

LAMPPOSTS ARE GROWING Lampposts around the Teesside area are growing in size at an alarming rate, a new Government report claims today. It claims many are reaching new heights at a rate of one inch a month and unless something is done to combat the problem our entire area will be in total darkness within five years and will be a no-go area for aircraft. COUPLE ASPHYXIATED BY TAXI FUMES A Middlesbrough couple are in hospital after being overcome by a taxi driver’s body odour. They hailed the taxi after a night out drinking and fighting in Middlesbrough. After only a few minutes into the ride they were both unconscious. The driver, a Mr Hygiene Asif, said it was their own fault as he didn’t even get a tip. The Tees Bally Fibber can give him a tip – get washed.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

IN MEMORIAM WHILST YOU’RE AT THE CREMATORIUM A new section of The Fibber that allows you to remember lost loved ones with some badly written poetry

In memory of Todd Lummy by his drinking partners Rod Chod & Gerry Berries

We’ll never see you again, just like you didn’t see the bus, It was the number 33 on which you always caused a fuss, We caught that service most nights after boozing at The Queens, You were always chucking chips at folk or shouting things obscene, Or throwing up and causing fights, always on the top deck, But you ended up beneath the wheels with a nasty twist in your neck, Plastered all over the front of the bus which is really quite ironic, As you were often plastered on the inside after a litre of gin and tonic.

In memory of Pat Juggs by her daughter Ophelia

Mam you were a great mam and a lovely mam at that, The best mam in the world in fact, and your name was Pat, You had a smile that was lovely and really so uplifting, Life is so expensive now without all your shoplifting, These words are hard to write as I don’t have a thesaurus, You would have helped me, I know, as you were a Taurus.

In memory of Barston Gonk by his grandson Kevin Gonk I shall remember your laugh, Granddad, a laugh so soft and gentle, You laughed at almost anything, we thought you were a bit mental, You laughed at the clouds or when you saw a chair, You laughed at the bald and people with hair, You laughed when you were wet and when you were dry, To be honest it was a relief when we knew you would die, You’ll be up there now, laughing in heaven, Probably at something obscure like the number 7.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

500 BOXES OF BASTARDS DUMPED IN STOCKTON PLAYGROUND

be removed sometime in the next 3 to 6 working years. Already the bastards are scaring and intimidating the children who have been warned to stay well away from the crates. Head Master, Hugh Called, told us, ’It’s all very well for the council accepting huge backhanders to take in boxes of bastards from other countries, but we are left with what happens next. It’d only take a couple of toddlers with a crow bar to open up the crates and it’d be bastard-geddon around here.’

This incident is only one in a long line of Council blunders. Last month three hundred carrier bags full of Stockton Council has taken delivery of 500 boxes of grade ‘A’ bastards – some of shit-heads were mistakenly given them foreign – and dumped them in the out to pensioners across Teesside care homes, and the month before playground of Stockton Middle Street Primary. The Council claim the bastards 1 million council tax bills were will only be there temporarily and will delivered printed on bitches. The big bloody boxes o’bastards, yesterday

THE HEADS TODAY

Teesside Tops Crass Baby Names Poll So Often It’s To Be Renamed Keanu Mercedes Town Foldaway Pensioner Wants To Keep His Wrongly Fitted Hips

TEES BALLY FIBBER THE LLAMA DALI PARTY MANIFESTO

Llamadali is the self installed Lord of Ingleby Barwick. He is here for you! For all of us! To keep this green and pleasant largest private housing estate in Europe vast, confusing and OURS!

• To free Ingleby Barwick of the tyranny of Stockton Council. • To be recognised as the dog turd capital of Britain. • To get Romana Park official status as the 9th wonder of the world. • To stop having so many ruddy schools built and some new pubs instead. • To achieve equality for our marauding wild llamas. • To have a topless checkout girl aisle in Tesco by 2012. • To declare war on France! Failing that, Yarm.

Join the growing community of Barwickians on Twitter at www.twitter.com Tis truly easy, click on the icon above, go to the Twitter site and follow the wee-wee easy log-in form. Make sure your user name starts with Llama so the Llamadali knows you are a loyal follower. And believer. LlamaDave, LlamaSue, LlamaJohn, LlamaPongo etc. Then we can seek each other out easily and follow one another’s Bleats. Here’s a typical night’s Bleats from our spiritual leader himself. 7.34pm Tonight I shall be in the Beckfields pub drinking heavily. I will hoof in the car doors of all who fail to offer me free booze. 7.50pm Am I sat in the pub listening to Vivaldi? No, I’m listening to Viv from Aldi, a fat checkout girl who grows sexier by the pint. 8.04pm Viv from Aldi is giving me her life story. She thinks I am writing it all down as I’m interested. I’m not. I’m really on Twitter. 8.05pm Thank God she has large breasts for me to look at while she rattles on about nothing. 8.32pm Viv, my voluptuous checkout girl from Aldi has gone for a kebab at mellow Yellow’s Doner Van. I am drinking heavily in peace again in the Beckfields pub. 9.05pm What’s this! McDagger from the Council has walked in the pub! I’ve warned him about drinking in MY pub! He blocked my extension plans.

9.15pm McDagger is still here! Grrrr! I’llhave that tamoshanter off his head for my supper! Watch this! 9.17pm That blasted Scot! He had a house brick under his tamoshanter! He knew I’d try and eat it. I’ve lost 5 teeth! Worst night ever! 10.02pm McDagger isn’t so clever. I’ve snatched his sporran and have run into the car park with it where I shall fill it with vomit! I’ll learn him! 10.02pm That spiteful Scots git! His sporran was full of angry wasps! I am stung to buggery! All round my mouth and nose! It knacks! Seriously! 10.13pm It gets worse! Viv from Aldi is taking McDagger home. He must be 81 if he’s a day! I hope his heart gives out! 11.06pm The slot machine has just done a £25 poo! I’m rich! I’m off to Mellow Yellow’s Donner Van for a dodgy meat supper! Great night! 11.53pm Just thought! They say Mellow Yellow uses road kill llamas. I hope I haven’t eaten anyone I cared about. Night night.

TEES BALLY FIBBER

The Barwickian Your town, your community, you’re welcome to it!

MAN HAS HOUSE BUILT ON HIM Alan Harris, who passed out after an amazingly heavy drinking session with his five year old nephew, awoke not only to find his trousers in the usual state of dampness, but with a ruddy great three bedroomed house on his chest.

Tim Herbert of Chuckemup Homes said, ‘The man was a legitimate building site as he was motionless. Ingleby Barwick building regulations clearly states that if something remains still for more than 10 minutes we can legally build on it. We built a house on a dead horse once.’

Councillor Maureen Gimp is shocked by the attitude of Chuckemup Homes. ‘If this barmy building mularky continues, by the end of this decade there won’t be a single inch of Ingleby that doesn’t have a house built on it. We’ll all be living in one gigantic house and won’t have any neighbours! And I tend to walk around naked so be warned.’ FLAMING CRIKEY! Meanwhile, Alan Harris is stuck with his chest-house. ‘Flaming crikey!, I have a couple of jars of silly soup and wake up with my own blooming postcode!’

Heavy drama for Mr Harris, yesterday.

He went on to state he didn’t think the house – which is open to the public as a show home – was 100% legal. ‘Chuckemup claim they tattooed the planning permission onto my tummy before building work began, but I can’t find it.’ We put this question to Mr Herbert of Chuckemup and he started talking pretend Chinese and hung up. We then sent a reporter round to his office but she had to flee when they tried to build a school on her shoulders. She now has several bricks and a portacabin on her left side which causes her to walk around in circles.

MYSTERY OF WALKING BENCH SOLVED! The bizarre mystery of the bench that allegedly moves around from spot to spot in Ingleby has been solved.

was investigated it was found there are actually several benches, each one at a different spot.

Many people have claimed to have seen the elusive bench on Barwick Way, Ingleby Way and even Sober Hall Avenue fuelling the belief it has the power of movement. After the phenomenon

They just look alike. However, this didn’t stop panicking residents burning the Barwick Way bench last night for being in league with the Devil.

A sinister looking bench, yesterday

So what the bloody hell IS the Tees Bally Fibber? The TEES BALLY FIBBER has become something of an internet phenomenon. This spoof news website - set in the merry old land of Teesside, in the tropically freezing cold North of England - has followers from all over the world. Once folk from outside the area realise you don’t need to be a Teessider to enjoy it, their fears abate and they start to enjoy the damn thing. It had humble beginnings in 2004 as THE BARWICKIAN, a one page spoof newsletter in The Insider, a free ads-mag published and distributed by my good friend, the barking mad Debbie Sheriati. The idea was born out of an insult levelled at my beloved Ingleby Barwick by Martin Hughes, another good friend of mine. Martin, then a BBC producer for CBBC (Chucklevision), was staying in the area. We were touring the country showcasing my, newly filmed, CBBC sitcom BAD PENNY around English schools, (barmy BBC focus groups and ratings projections shite.) He came to my house in Ingleby for a pot of tea, after which I drove him around the area proudly showing off the largest private housing estate in Europe. We were also looking at shooting locations as CBBC had bought the rights to my first novel THE LEGEND OF ARTHUR KING (sadly the show was never made – BBC twats.) Innocently, Martin said he thought Ingleby Barwick had a dull Milton Keynes feel to it. I was incandescent with rage, but instead of smiting my good friend, I leapt from the car without stopping it and rushed home to create a mythos about my home town. The Barwickian was born. Wild, marauding llamas, wandering park benches, partially naked jogging swearing men. If Ingleby didn’t seem to have an identity then I would create one for it! Albeit an utterly ludicrous one. I offered the idea to Debs as a free one pager in The Insider and she snapped my hand off – she carries gardening shears with her (told you she was mad.) It’s popularity grew and a Barwickian website, deftly created by my other chums John and Angie Taylor, went on-line in early 2003. The hits were minimal as most people, without proper scrutiny, dismissed The Barwickian as a serious history site, or on-line advertising page. My hopes were saved when another chum, radio presenter Graham Mack of the damn fine radio station TFM, took up the Barwickian torch and allowed me on his morning show to do weekly spoof newscasts. It was Mack’s kindness that got me greedy. I was starting to think my little idea had potential and wanted a bigger audience so I opened it up wide. Teesside wide! The Barwickian was dead, long live The Tees Bally Fibber!

So why call it The Tees Bally Fibber? It was so named because I wanted it to be instantly recognisable as a comedy website. We live in the Tees Valley, allegedly, so the ‘Tees’ bit is obvious, it’s from the River Tees, our big murky beck. ‘Bally’ is an old fashioned word meaning exaggerated nonsense, or ballyhoo. And ‘Fibber’ is a nice way of saying bastard liar. The new site does exactly what it says on the dog, Teesside’s Exaggerated Lies! Invigorated, I set about introducing a new, more dynamic lease of life into the idea. More good friends stepped in to help me out. Maria and Jeff Smith of the free mag The Circuit were planning a new newspaper and ad-mag, with the coincidentally similarly sounding name The Tees Valley Standard. It was destiny! They kindly gave me a page and put top notch designer and web type blokey Graeme Wilkinson (no relation) on the case. It worked! The hits for THE TEES BALLY FIBBER started well and have grown exponentially ever since. This is mainly down to Graeme’s amazing design and web skills, and the grumpy patience he shows when I constantly harangue him to add this and that. How many times has he heard the words ‘Oh go on, Grim-Gram, put this up, it’ll be really funny and only take you a couple of minutes. You can do it when you’re having a coffee or something.’ We can laugh now. Or I can at least. And so we continue to grow. There’s been talk of a Newsnight type stage-show version, even a Radio 4 show based on it. I’ve performed characters from the site and talked about it on BBC Tees, Southside Radio, Radio Hartlepool, Radio Teesdale, even the national Kerrang Radio. The great and the good have commented on how much they enjoy it. Mind you, I do force it down the throats of whomever I work with. Harry Hill has even written a foreword for this, the very first archive book, the tome that you hold in your exquisite, sausage fingered hands right now. For posterity and nostalgia’s sake back issues of The Barwickian are included, re-jigged to tie in with the Twitter phenomenon Llamadali whose followers include Mr Stephen Fry no less! Enjoy this volume. Pick at it. Read the longer bits last if you like. It’s that kind of book. But please buy it, don’t shoplift a copy like Graeme no doubt will. Then I might make at least one bleeding penny out of the idea for a change. Lots of love, your Tees Bally Fibber editor and proprietor,

Mr Dean Wilkinson www.deanwilkinson.net

OTHER BOOKS BY DEAN WILKINSON You can buy them at www.wilkinsonpress.co.uk

SARKYLOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS

It’s easy to lower someone’s self esteem without realising you’re doing it. A few personal jokes and jibes about someone might seem like innocent fun, but Have you considered how you’re making that person feel inside. Sarkylocks goes too far with the three bears and lowers their self esteem to such a point their lives become pointless and empty. Sarky soon works out how a few nice words and compliments about someone can have the reverse effect and sets about undoing the damage.

THE LEGEND OF ARTHUR KING

It’s an ordinary day for Arthur – he’s just faked a heart attack to get out of Maths and is contemplating the beauty of Gwen Lott. But a glimpse of her bra strap sets off a chain of events that reveals that Arthur’s so far rather pitiful life is far from ordinary. He and his new (only) friend Lawrence are about to discover that they are the spirit of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table reborn. Our noble heroes must save Albion Wood and a rare species of ‘white bird fingies’ from destruction. God’s swimming trunks, are they up to the challenge?

ARTHUR KING AND THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE TIME TRAIN

There’re odd things afoot in Thornaby, again. Rips in the very fabric of time are leaving bewildered people hours out of sync with their lives, and Lawrence gets mugged by cavemen. Then there’s the strange nightly rumblings beneath the town - some say it’s the sound of a ghost train. More importantly, for Arthur at least, is the fact that he still hasn’t got off with Gwen. Arthur and Lawrence embark on an adventure more perplexing than any of Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson’s - can their detective ancestry (or something) help them crack the case?

THE CLASSIC CHILDREN’S TELEVISION QUIZ BOOK The Classic Children’s Television Quiz Book is packed with brain teasing questions and fascinating facts about the shows you loved as a child. From timeless classics like Bagpuss, Rentaghost, Swap Shop, Thunderbirds, Blue Peter and Dr Who to the thoroughly up-to-date Sponge Bob, the 1,000 questions in this book will not only test your memory of the characters you grew up with but your family’s knowledge of their current favourites. With a fitting foreword by popular family TV presenters Ant and Dec this book is sure to prove a hit with television lovers of all ages and, in particular, those members of the older generation who have remained young at heart.