Emblem Issue V 2020 by The King's College

GRACE & HUMAN NATURE

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

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Dear Readers,

s I write, New York State has just extended its stay-at-home order to May

15. By the time you read this, I’m sure we will all be absorbing newer

gic institutions, we don’t mean becoming the

When we talk about influencing strate-

developments regarding the novel Coronavirus.

wealthiest and most powerful, the ones most

Please know that all of us at The King’s College have been praying for you as part of our

able to insulate themselves from pain. We

wider community that includes students, staff, faculty, alumni, friends, prospective students and

mean working from the inside in every area

their families, and those who support King’s financially. These days are not easy. Even if you have

of society, not just in vocational missions or

not suffered from the virus yourself, you likely

Christian ministry. We do not hold the key to

know someone who has. Schools have been

God’s strategy. All we can do is walk with Him,

closed and some companies have laid off or

follow the Spirit where it leads, imitate the

furloughed employees. We have all felt the

way of love that Christ showed us: not so that

sadness of not being able to see our friends

we escape suffering, but so that we, and our

in person.

neighbors, can know God’s goodness even in

the midst of it.

When we talk about influencing strategic institutions, we don’t mean becoming the wealthiest and most powerful, the ones most able to insulate themselves from pain.

Although the alumni features in this issue

were written before COVID-19 upset so much

That’s the story this magazine tells, not a

of our daily lives, they are somehow fitting to a

story of “success,” but a story of grace. When

time when so many are hurting. These stories

we place our hope in Jesus Christ and not in

don’t fit the narrative of college as a pathway

our ability to secure the future, we can find

to relative ease. They aren’t accounts of how

peace in His presence even in days of isola-

The King’s College provided the perfect con-

tion, uncertainty, sickness, and death. What

nections and academic preparation for lives of

you’re about to read are accounts of limited,

acclaim. While it’s understandable to wish for

incomplete people who have offered all they

a life of success as the world counts success,

are at the feet of Jesus, such as it is. May we all

that’s not the kind of life we are promised as Christians, and it would be a poor model to give

do the same.

students to aspire to. Such a life isn’t promised to anyone, as the last few months have made clear.

In Service,

Instead, what we hope for our students is that their King’s education would bless them so that

they can be a blessing, the same hope the Lord gives to Abram in Genesis 12. Our academic

rigor and Christian formation efforts are meant to grow students as people of character who can

contribute value in their chosen fields but do so with humility. Our location in New York City that

brings about so many fruitful connections and learning opportunities is meant to give students

Tim Gibson, Brig Gen, USAF (Ret)

the agency to start working for shalom in the world even before they graduate.

President

EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

Contents When we walk through pain, what gives us solace?

When the future defies our expectations, how can we find certainty?

05 · Grace Like Breath

20 · From Fear to Faith

Chris Pasquale spent early adulthood without ambition and imprisoned by drug addiction. When a tragic incident forced a change, he found a new love for teaching and philosophy that he now uses to minister to others.

09 · Longing for the Eternal It took learning philosophy at King’s for Dolphin Sharma to realize her discouragement was a longing for the eternal, and she could seek that eternal by investing in others.

11 · Patience for the Process

Director of Counseling Services Esther Jhun discusses what grace looks like in the counseling profession.

13 · Healing Soul and Body Pursuing a career in emergency

medicine, Matt Fillingame applies the spiritual and philosophical principles he learned at King’s to healing the sick.

15 · Words That Restore

Leah Guaglione always wanted to make art that spoke truth. Spending months in recovery after a severe accident gave her new insight into what that could mean.

When a job in finance came his way, Carter Fletcher sought to discern if and how he could serve God whole-heartedly outside of vocational ministry.

23 · A Few Small Leaps

After spending the three years after college overcome by anxiety for the future, Taylor Lindsay took a few small leaps of faith and saw God meet her abundantly.

27 · What Is Technology

Doing to Human Nature?

Are there some technological developments that threaten to undermine a flourishing human life, and what can we do about it? Answers excerpted from a symposium hosted by the College’s McCandlish Phillips Journalism Institute and the Acton Institute.

33 · Learning to

Surrender Control

After years of hard work and success, Holly Tate suddenly found herself struggling to launch as a New York City professional. An offer to move to Texas led her down a new path where she learned the joy of surrendering control.

36 · Peace Despite Chaos

As John Gonska watched his plans to minister in Israel fall apart, God brought

When we feel inadequate, where do we turn for approval? 41 · Freedom

from Comparison

A supposedly temporary move back home to Oklahoma became an opportunity for Jordan Barlow to challenge her assumptions about what constitutes a successful life.

43 · Embracing A

Quieter Home

Faced with a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, Kiley Crossland wrestled with her definition of success and desire for validation.

46 · Let Me Wake Up

Once seeing God as a judge, Matt Huffman had no reason to give up drugs and wanted to die. But seeing Him as loving and caring gave him new motivation and purpose for life.

51 · More Than a

Straight-A Student

Drawing from her own experiences as a perfectionist, Cassandra Smith seeks to provide quality instruction to students with special needs—as well as the assurance that they are more than their academic performance.

55 · Ambition Rewired

Caring for her dying father, Liz Lindow found a deep sense that she was loved, and this knowledge rewired the way she pursued her ambitions.

an unexpected opportunity for Gonska to return to his hometown of Cleveland, Ohio.

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

TKC.EDU

From the Editor IN THE OPENING MINUTES of Terrence

life. As Paul writes in the letter to the Romans, “I

alumni in this issue are making that movement

Malick’s film The Tree of Life, there’s a stunning

do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not

from Nature into Grace, not just for the comple-

voiceover contrasting Nature and Grace, spoken

want is what I keep on doing.”

tion of their understanding but also of their life.

on top of scenes of sunflowers, cows grazing,

But if we understand Nature differently,

and the film’s central characters in their home.

Nature and Grace are not opposed to each other.

need Grace at all. We credit our own tenacity

Remember that God called His creation good,

and planning for the comfort, security, and worth

even very good. Sin and pride flood the human

we feel at the moment. But the vulnerable sto-

through life, the way of Nature and the way

experience, but they are unnatural because they

ries in this magazine show young King’s alumni

of Grace. You have to choose which one

pervert the right order of things. In this sense,

who are choosing to believe, or being forced to

you’ll follow.

Nature refers to all of the goodness of creation and

accept, that their own efforts are not sufficient.

it works in harmony with Grace.

being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts

The concept of “grace perfecting nature”

death. But doing so makes us able to receive

insults and injuries.

The nuns taught us there are two ways

Grace doesn’t try to please itself. Accepts

When life is going well, we may forget we

To give up our independence is a kind of

fills the writings of Thomas Aquinas. One such

Grace—a Grace that does not erase whatever

Nature only wants to please itself. Get others

passage reads, “Since therefore grace does not

natural abilities we have, but rather, perfects

to please it too. Likes to lord it over them.

destroy nature but perfects it, natural reason

them. And in that Grace, we find the fullness

To have its own way.

should minister to faith” (Part I of the Summa

of life.

Theologiae, Question 1, Article 8). In other words,

Yours,

These lines suggest that if we are to choose

we should exercise our ability to study and

the way of Grace, we must accept a new way of

understand, but accept that there is a limit after

life that cuts against the grain of our natural incli-

which reason can go no further. At that point we

nations. The Nature described here is something

must lean on the supernatural—God’s grace and

like our tendency to prefer ourselves over others,

revelation, especially as provided through Jesus

Rebecca Au-Mullaney (MCA ’15)

or the pride that controls so much of our daily

Christ—to make our understanding whole. The

Director of Strategic Communication

LEADERSHIP

C R E AT I V E D I R E C T I O N

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

President

Editor-in-Chief

Alisa Goz (MCA ’18)

Tim Gibson, Brig Gen, USAF (Ret) Megan Dishman

Assistant Vice President of Marketing and Communications

Rebecca Au-Mullaney (MCA ’15) Tiffany Owens (MCA ‘16) Associate Editor

Natalie Nakamura (MCA ’13) Art and Design Direction

A L U M N I C O N TA C T alumni@tkc.edu

Sungjun Kim (PPE ’18) Photographer

Kimchean Koy (MCS ’20)

Elizabeth Carman (MCA ’22) John McOrmond (PPE ’19) Jane Scharl (PPE ’12)

Josiah Simons (PPE ’20) COMMENTS

communications@tkc.edu

Illustrations

EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

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B Y J O H N M C O R M O N D • I L L U S T R AT I O N B Y K I M C H E A N K O Y

IT WAS NOVEMBER 2007, AND CHRIS PASQUALE (PPE ’06)

stood in an alley outside The Williams Center theater listening to the Chase

was sitting at his desk in Rutherford, N.J., organizing and filing

hiring manager explain salary and benefits. The scent of vegetable oil and

his notes. He’d just finished presenting to the board of The

chicken from a nearby restaurant mixed with the smell of theater popcorn.

Williams Center, a non-profit arts center in Rutherford, where

“Compensation for this role is $80,000 a year,” the hiring manager explained,

he worked as Program Director for the cinema and live theater.

“plus commission and benefits.”

He paused as a passing board member greeted him at his

Pasquale headed home that evening feeling ecstatic. Five years ago, this

desk. “Chris, your presentation about your role here was excel-

was the last place he thought he would find himself. He had spent his high

lent,” she said. “I have an open position on my sales team at

school years and early adulthood with an on-again, off-again relationship with

Chase Bank, and I think you could be a great fit. If you’re inter-

drugs, often wanting to quit, but always failing to pull it off. When his brother

ested in applying, please let me know.”

Daniel died from a drug-related incident, and his best friend offered him a

friendship that didn’t revolve around drugs, he was finally able to change

A few weeks and one phone interview later, Pasquale

EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

course. Since then, he had managed to rebuild his life. While

finding short-term jobs had always been easy for him, this was

the 911 dispatcher on the phone. The ambulance arrived quickly. Standing

his first chance to launch a steady career. The choice to accept

there, barefoot and shirtless, Pasquale shivered as he watched the EMTs

Chase’s offer seemed obvious, but something gave him pause.

begin CPR a second time. Staring at his brother through the red and white

glare of the ambulance lights, he knew Daniel was already gone.

Pasquale’s introduction to drugs started when he was 13,

Stephen performed CPR in the frozen grass while Pasquale shouted at

during a family vacation in Florida. Daniel borrowed some of

his pocket money without saying what it was for and came back

why he’d lived and his brother hadn’t. Their last conversation, just ten hours

with marijuana. Pasquale decided to try some. Nothing bad

earlier, had ended with a dispute over a small sum of inequitably shared

happened; at the time, he felt great.

crack. “Everything,” he said to himself, “is going to change.”

Better than the feelings though, were the friendships. In

Ten minutes later, Pasquale sat at the kitchen table in shock, wondering

In the morning hours that followed, several friends called, offering to help

high school, an older friend, Drew, introduced Pasquale to

him get high to forget the experience. Pasquale didn’t want their offer, but it

harder drugs like heroin and crack. In both this friendship and

lingered in his mind.

his relationship with his brother, drugs served as an easy way to

have a good time together. Pasquale also made sure his parents

introduced him to hard drugs. The two had lost touch two years before, when

never saw anything worrisome: he played sports, had a job, and

Drew had stopped partying, quit heroin and crack, gotten a job at IBM, and

came home every night.

started attending church again. “Don’t go anywhere,” he told Pasquale, “I’m

After they finished high school, Chris and Daniel began

coming over.” Twenty minutes later, Drew was at his house. They spent the

visiting a methadone clinic in the nearby town of Clifton, N.J.

rest of the day together, talking for hours about what Pasquale’s next steps

Methadone allowed them to maintain jobs despite their ongo-

would be.

Then another call came. It was Drew, the friend from high school who had

ing drug use. Men would line up outside the three story red brick building at 6:00 AM every day, most of them in their thirties and forties. Some would nod and smile, saying they were proud of

ONE COLD JANUARY MORNING,

them for working to overcome his addiction at a young age, not realizing the boys were using the methadone to hide their habits from their parents

PA S Q U A L E H E A R D H I S FAT H E R S T E P H E N SCREAMING HIS NAME FROM BELOW THE

and employers. After picking up their prescrip-

S TA I R C A S E O U T S I D E H I S B E D R O O M .

tions, the brothers would drive to Bagel Bistro in North Arlington, N.J., where Pasquale would order his favorite: sausage, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel.

Deep down inside, he wanted to quit. His lifestyle wasn’t

The next day, Pasquale told his dad he was going to quit cold turkey. “I’m

working. At six different jobs, he had started out with high

also going to stop using methadone in four weeks,” he said. His dad was

expectations and been promoted quickly. But the drug use

incredulous. “Chris, you can’t do that,” he said, “You’re gonna get sick. You’ll

would always catch up with him. He’d lose the position and start

feel terrible.” Even the methadone clinic worker cautioned him that it wasn’t

all over again at the next place. He’d never seriously considered

safe, but he was undeterred. “A lot of people commit to change and then

college, instead hoping to achieve a steady career with hard

fail,” recalls Stephen. “But Chris dove headfirst into quitting drugs. He was on

work and charisma. But his dependence on opioids stunted

a mission to turn everything around in his life.”

that dream. When Daniel was out of town, he would stop using

drugs, only to relapse when his brother returned home.

at a local cinema when feverish chills and nausea crept over his body—the with-

Two weeks after his last dose of methadone, Pasquale sat watching a movie

One cold January morning, Pasquale heard his father

drawal symptoms everyone had warned him about. Fighting the sickness well-

Stephen screaming his name from below the staircase outside

ing up inside, he closed his eyes and prayed. A few minutes later, he fell asleep.

his bedroom. “Chris!” Stephen shouted, “Your brother hung

When he awoke, the movie had ended. The sickness was gone too, and it would

himself!” He leapt up, crossed the hallway to Daniel’s room,

never return.

and hurled the door wide to find an empty bed. The clock read

1:21 AM. Pasquale clattered down the steps toward the back

and opportunities that he’d casually discussed with his dad in the years after

door. His father had found Daniel unconscious in the garage. It

high school. He started applying to colleges and filling out applications

looked as though Daniel had fallen asleep with a rope around

for financial aid. His application to The King’s College included a handwrit-

his neck. Pasquale believes that he did not ultimately intend to

ten essay explaining how his life had changed. The day after his brother

take his own life.

passed away, Pasquale had also called Gerard DeMatteo, a music teacher

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

In the following weeks, Pasquale began a relentless pursuit of the plans

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at Northeastern Bible College who had taught him Sunday

“The work in counseling that I’m able to do now is in many ways because

school as a child. They’d known each other since Pasquale was

of David’s mentorship,” Pasquale says.

eight years old. He asked to meet with DeMatteo for mentoring

every week.

He stayed at King’s for another year, intending to graduate with a bache-

Pasquale graduated with an associate’s degree in PPE in May, 2005.

Meeting with DeMatteo helped Pasquale break through

lor’s, but the same year decided to start a youth group at Rutherford Bible

his broken spiritual paradigm. As a teenager and young adult,

Chapel near his home in New Jersey. In 2006, he transferred to Felician

Pasquale measured his worth on a “cosmic justice scale,” believ-

University to shorten his commute and work full-time as a youth pastor.

ing that salvation required his good deeds to outweigh his bad

ones. He believed his moral failings hopelessly outweighed

sion for guiding and mentoring others, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to

his good works, and that he would never be good enough.

stay there long-term. He aspired to go on to full-time non-profit work or

In meeting after meeting, DeMatteo explained that the way to

become a teacher.

It was through youth ministry that Pasquale discovered a new pas-

salvation wasn’t through good deeds measuring up on a scale. Pasquale began to see Jesus as his true propitiation, and that the heavy mass of sin condemning him is forever gone. Grace, he realized, was completely unearned.

While absorbing these truths, he and DeMatteo read

Dallas Willard’s Renovation of the Heart. There Pasquale found his theme for life. “The greatest saints are not those who need less grace,” Willard writes, “but those who consume the most grace, who indeed are most in need of grace—those who are saturated by grace in every dimension of their being. Grace to them is like breath.”

In August, Pasquale was nearing the end of his shift at

a local print shop across the street from his house when his dad called. He’d received a letter from The King’s College. Pasquale ran home and opened it on the steps outside his house, facing the street. His handwritten application letter

PA S Q U A L E B E G A N T O S E E J E S U S A S H I S T R U E P R O P I T I AT I O N , A N D T H AT T H E H E AV Y M A S S O F S I N C O N D E M N I N G H I M I S F O R E V E R G O N E . G R A C E , H E R E A L I Z E D , W A S C O M P L E T E LY U N E A R N E D .

had gotten him accepted to King’s, and with scholarships

and financial aid, his tuition would be only $1,000 a year.

was eager to begin his career in finance. But several weeks after the

During his first semester at King’s, Pasquale worked

call with Chase, in November 2007, his phone rang again. The caller

harder than he had ever worked at school. He also became

was from Community Education Centers (CEC), an organization that

involved with designing the House system, as both the first

Pasquale had applied to over the summer while completing his last

president of the House of Churchill and as a student worker

year at Felician. Now that he was ready to graduate, they had a role for

for David Leedy in student development.

him. “You’d be working with the inmates of a local jail,” they explained.

“It pays $30,000 a year.”

“David always shot straight with me,” Pasquale says.

The offer from Chase was a surprise turn of events and Pasquale

“He helped me understand my strengths and weaknesses.”

When Pasquale snubbed every idea offered when students

would be simple.But Pasquale was only sure of one thing: he needed to call his dad

were framing the House system, Leedy challenged him to

for advice. “If you choose a career based on money,” his father said, “You may have

provide solutions. Through his mentoring, Pasquale gained

money, but not satisfaction. If you choose a career based on fulfillment, the money

a clearer self-perception and became more constructive.

will come.”

EMBLEM 2020

For many people, the choice between two careers with a $50,000 pay gap

ISSUE 05

When their conversation ended, Pasquale immediately

That moment was pivotal for Pasquale and he continued his work at

called Chase and turned down the offer. Less than a year

CEC for two years. In 2010, he moved to Delray Beach, Fla., to start a new

into his work at CEC, Pasquale was promoted twice and was

counseling job at The Delray Recovery Center. At his new job, Pasquale

supervising the counseling program for a large section of

met David Niknafs, a coworker who quickly became his close friend.

the jail. He regularly lectured on Rational Emotive Behavioral

Therapy to 180 inmates.

ized addiction treatment program, wanting to help people overcome

“I used my education in philosophy and literature to help

substance abuse by finding meaning and purpose in their life. In 2013,

people ask the deep questions about existence,” Pasquale

Pasquale became the Director of Operations at RECO, designing a

Two years later in 2012, Niknafs founded RECO Intensive, a special-

“ I U S E D M Y E D U C AT I O N I N P H I L O S O P H Y A N D L I T E R AT U R E T O H E L P P E O P L E A S K T H E D E E P Q U E S T I O N S A B O U T E X I S T E N C E , ” PA S Q U A L E S AY S . “ Q U E S T I O N S S U C H A S , ‘WHO AM I? WHERE AM I GOING? AND HOW AM I GOING TO GET THERE?”

says. “Questions such as, ‘Who am I? Where am I going? And

clinical treatment program from scratch, managing staff members, and

how am I going to get there?’ I mixed in reason and logic,

meeting with clients. At RECO, Pasquale continues what he had left

forcing them to be honest with their current situations and

behind at CEC, helping people wade through their traumas, insecurities,

to develop a plan that is consistent with that reality.”

and fears to identify the next steps for inner healing.

In one lecture, drawing from Plato’s allegory of the cave,

He doesn’t regret his decision to turn down that Chase offer for a min-

Pasquale explained to the inmates how their physical prison

ute. Reflecting back to that moment in the prison where he watched the

was in part a result of mental captivity. They could find free-

inmates confess their need for inner liberation, he discovered his love for

dom, he explained, by seeking truth. As Pasquale spoke,

using philosophy to free people from trauma and fear and realized what

he watched their faces soften, and many of them began to

he wanted to do with his life. “I had a passion for helping people and a

weep, begging to be set free.

passion for teaching,” he recalls. “I felt I could do some good in the world.”

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

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L ONGING for the E T E R N A L B Y L I L LY C A R M A N

ONE

SUMMER

EVENING

2014,

Deepshika “Dolphin” Sharma (PPE ’18) strolled down Manhattan’s Eighth Avenue to the subway when she spotted a man walking a crippled dog. With just three legs, the creature struggled to keep up with his oblivious owner, who practically dragged his pet behind him. Watching the dog struggle left an impression on her. “This is what life feels like,” she thought to herself. “No matter what you do to keep up, you can’t ever reach what you’re really after.”

Sharma had only recently moved to New York

City to attend The King’s College, and her melancholic observation about the dog reflected the tenor of her thinking at the time. Since her teens, Sharma had been going through a period of dising and fulfillment. She chose King’s because she saw that the professors could take her intellectual struggles seriously. Her time at the college turned out to provide just the intellectual solace she needed, and more than that, it helped her appreciate how community played a crucial role in a meaningful life.

Sharma had been a cheerful child and grew

up with loving parents and a supportive community. When she was two years old, Sharma

EMBLEM 2020

PHOTOS COURTESY OF DOLPHIN SHARMA

illusionment with conventional ideas about mean-

and her parents, Upkar and Hema, moved from

an intellectual solace where she could study writ-

Sharma’s friends in college noticed how she

New Delhi, India to Pittsburg, Kan., where they

ers who grappled with the ideas that agonized

began to make relationships a priority. A fellow

found a supportive church. Sharma fondly recalls

her. In her sophomore and junior years, she

House of Barton member, Gabrielle González,

Grandparents Day at elementary school when a

encountered the writings of Søren Kierkegaard

recalls the day she (González) broke her ankle and

few church ladies volunteered to come since

and Augustine of Hippo. Reading Kierkegaard

landed in the hospital. Sharma left her internship

Sharma’s grandparents lived in India. The church

in Modern Philosophy with Dr. Peter Kreeft

so she could bring González items she needed,

“ I W A S I N A R U T—T R Y I N G T O F I G U R E O U T H O W T O M A K E S E N S E OF T H E C H R IS T I A N A N D I N T E L L E C T UA L L I F E W I T HOU T C ONS TA N T LY F E E L I NG M E L A NC HOL IC .” ladies came to her school, sat with her, ate ani-

affirmed that her melancholy was not unfounded.

and stuck around until the doctors put on the

mal cookies and worked on her arts and crafts

Kierkegaard writes in The Sickness Unto Death,

cast. When González was discharged, Sharma

project, making sure she did not feel neglected.

“With every increase in the degree of conscious-

took it on herself to take her home. A friendship

As a child, Sharma had believed in certain

ness, and in proportion to that increase, the inten-

also emerged with Sheena Herrman, who was the

prevalent ideals, like the assumption that aca-

sity of despair increases: the more consciousness

House of Barton’s house advisor at the time. “She

demic success is fulfilling or the promise that

the more intense the despair.”

made an intentional effort to build friendship,”

love conquers all. But as she matured intellectu-

She had an epiphany while reading

Herrman says. With their similar cultural back-

ally, she started to question these mantras. If all

Augustine’s Confessions in Medieval Philosophy

grounds (Herrmann is from Sri Lanka), Sharma

you need is love, then why could devoted par-

with Dr. Joshua Blander. Augustine writes, “The

found encouragement in the friendship, especially

ents still make bad decisions for their children?

soul is torn apart in a painful condition as long as

as she dealt with the long waiting for her family to

If academic achievement was so desirable, then

it prefers the eternal because of its Truth but does

become permanent residents in the U.S.

why, even after she received high grades, did

not discard the temporal because of familiarity.”

she still feel like something was missing? She’d

That one sentence made her realize that her mel-

two years in the business and financial sector.

placed her hope in these ideals, and now they

ancholy was really a longing for the eternal.

Currently, she contracts as a business develop-

were imploding. By her senior year in high

She began to wonder: What would it look

ment associate where she evaluates business

school, Sharma felt lost and uncertain about the

like to spend her life seeking the eternal?

opportunities and contributes to strategy.

future. “I was in a rut—trying to figure out how to

Sharma remembered how her church community

Her long-term goal is to work in Global Macro

make sense of the Christian and intellectual life

in Kansas had provided practical help when her

Strategy—a term used to describe investment

without constantly feeling melancholic.”

family needed it. The Sharma family’s process

strategies capitalizing on macroeconomic and

In the spring of 2014, Sharma made the

of attaining their green cards had taken four-

geopolitical trends, an area where she feels she

trip to New York City to visit King’s. She sat in a

teen years, and they were finally approved this

can serve others. To this end, she is currently

class instructed by Dr. David Tubbs, where the

last November. The entire time, the church had

enrolled in the CFA certification program and

lecture that day centered around the legality of

provided them vital support. Their love was one

aspires to attain a master’s in economics.

euthanasia. She was impressed by the depth of

of the best ways she could know God. It was the

the discussion. “It wasn’t just about what the law

missing link to a life of meaning and purpose.

Sharma finds consolation with a Lord Byron line

said and the political precedent,” she recalled.

“Finally, I made the connection,” she says. “What

from Manfred: “Sorrow is knowledge: they who

“The conversation included possible moral

minimized my melancholy and consistently

know the most / Must mourn the deepest o’er

motivations and ramifications of the practice,

brought joy and peace was community. Loving

the fatal truth, / The Tree of Knowledge is not that

how it affects people, and what, if at all, Scripture

one another, being vulnerable, forging connec-

of Life.” Through the melancholy, however, she

says about the issue.” That class helped her make

tions—all of this fulfilled me.” She was inspired by

has hope: “How I feel is simply the fact of living

up her mind and she chose King’s as her home

1 John 4:7: “Beloved, let us love one another, for

in a broken world,” she says. “One day it will be

for the next four years.

love is from God, and whoever loves has been

on earth as it is in heaven, and we will be able to

born of God and knows God.”

call the celestial paradise we seek home.”

True to her expectation, King’s offered Sharma

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

After graduation, Sharma worked for nearly

While she still feels disillusioned at times,

TKC.EDU

PAT I E N C E F O R T H E P R O C E S S DIRE C T O R O F C O U N SE L ING SERVIC E S E ST H E R J H U N ( M A , L MH C ) D ISC USSE S W H AT G R A C E L OOKS L IKE IN TH E CO U NS E L I N G P R O F E SSION AND H OW A CKN O W L E D G I N G O U R ME NTAL H EALTH I S PA RT O F C ARING FOR OUR W HOL E H UMANITY. IN T E RVI E W B Y R E B E C C A AU-MUL L ANEY ILL U S T R AT I O N B Y KIMC H EAN KOY

EMBLEM 2020

How are spiritual and mental health connected? Can you be healthy spiritually and still need counseling? E S T H E R J H U N : I don’t know if I would use the phrase “spiritually healthy.”

There’s always potential to be more full. St. Irenaeus is quoted as saying, “the glory of

God is the man fully alive.” Or when Jesus said, “I came to give life and to give it abundantly,” He meant all of it. The sacred and the secular are not separated. Spirituality is

everything we do. We need to be able to address our emotions, to address our physi-

cality, because we talk about loving God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength.

One aspect of this is checking your family history for scripts that get in the way of your

ISSUE 05

spiritual maturity. What sometimes fuels

think we can help you. We think you should

journey.” I think we can trust that the Spirit

cal thoughts: “I’m not enough.” When you’re

point that I was confronted with a few things.

process is more of a reflection on us than it

depression or anxiety are these hyper-critiborn into the world, you learn about the

world through your family, for better or for worse. I do believe your average parent

does the best they can, but there are going

to be ways that they give you messages, let’s say, about your feelings. “Boys don’t cry.”

go to therapy.” Which I did. It was at that

What did I want to do? Teach? Do ministry?

Counseling almost did both. It made a lot of sense to me. Just as people and God had been there as a safe place for me to heal and recover, I wanted to do the same.

are just as spiritually “healthy” but it just

What are some ways that Christian communities can care for one another’s mental health? Can you give examples of approaches that are either helpful or unhelpful?

what it means to depend on God because,

E J : Unhelpful is (and sometimes this

they know what it is to be forced to it.

something, or blaming the person who’s sick.

“Girls don’t get angry.” “Being emotional

is weak.” We internalize that, and we get a

faulty script that informs how we handle life.

At the same time, I think you can have

people who are clinically depressed who

might not look the same. They understand in a way that many of us can’t relate to,

Let’s talk about the personal side. What drew you to counseling? E J : To be honest, I did not think I

was going to be a counselor. I went to

Wheaton College thinking I was going

to be a writer and then I really loved my Bible classes at school, so I thought I

would go into ministry. Then—to make a long story short—life happened.

There was a point in my life where I did

everything “right.” I come from a very Korean

tradition. There are the early-morning prayers, the quiet time. I was really good at it. I could be up at five in the morning and pray for a whole hour. It’s not that I didn’t love those

things or enjoy those things, but it became a list of things that I needed to do. When I

failed, and failed big time, I was pretty much at a loss. The church that I landed in when everything was happening was Vineyard Church, founded back in the day by John Wimber.

I spent ten years there, and it was priceless. Never before had I encountered grace

lived out like it was through the Vineyard. You can come as you are—with your stuff.

My shift towards counseling came through

an intersection of church and having really close friends who said, “Esther, we don’t

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

is driven by fear or anxiety): let’s try to fix

If someone had cancer, we wouldn’t say, “If you had only prayed more, if you had only

read Scripture more, you wouldn’t have had cancer. This is all your fault.” People have a harder time with mental illness, maybe

because it’s not visible. But it does hurt in

different ways. Things get neglected: house,

pets, family. Blaming only makes people feel worse. Sometimes the things we say can

reinforce negative views that people have of God. If we’re this hard on people, then

they think, “God must think I’m a loser for not being able to seek him like I should.”

Psycho-education is so important. More

pastors are recognizing that mental illness is a reality. For example, churches are hosting trainings in Mental Health First Aid. I would encourage people to educate themselves

about some of these things. Let’s take depression. “They wouldn’t be depressed if they

only prayed harder.” One of the symptoms

of depression is that motivation just tanks. It is not uncommon for a clinically-depressed person to say the whole idea of getting up

will do the work. Our impatience for the

is on the person who’s actually suffering.

How have you seen God work through counseling? E J : The reason I’m so drawn to this

population—students at a Christian school—is that I saw myself go through this at this age.

As Christians, we understand the qualities of God. The expectation is, “Be perfect as I am perfect.” These are all good things. Sooner

or later, you find out that you can’t measure up. Even if you can do everything right on

the outside, you have to deal with yourself.

The students I work with are very aware.

I so appreciate the honesty they come with. But they’re very critical of what’s in their

hearts. One of my favorite exercises has been asking, if those critical things you’re saying to yourself were being said to your best

friend, how would you feel about it? Students say, “I’d be really upset.” Then let’s try to

bridge that compassion toward yourself.

When there’s grace to not have it all

together all the time it creates more room

for us to be who God intended us to be. I’m

laughing because one of my favorite quotes from Luther is, “Love God and sin boldly.”

It’s not meant to be an endorsement of sin. It’s about how much we can rely on grace. Grace is unmerited. While we were still

enemies, Christ died for us. In my job, I try to provide that presence, so you can taste just

a little bit of how He views you: that you are good, that He loves you, that He is for you.

It frees us, the counselors, up, in that

we can trust that He loves the people we work with so much more than we could ever. In the end, it’s His work.

and taking a shower is just too much work. It’s not that they’re lazy. It’s not that they

disagree that it’s a good idea. They just can’t.

What is helpful is being able to say,

“Come as you are. I see that you are in pain. I’m here for you. I may not know what you need, but I’m willing to go through this

TKC.EDU

HE A LING SOUL A ND BODY BY JANE SCHARL

IF SOMEONE HAD TOLD MATTHEW FILLINGAME (BUSINESS ’09) when he graduated from King’s that by 2020, he would be three months from finishing medical school, he would have laughed. But in retrospect, the journey from May 2009 to today makes perfect sense—and illustrates God’s grace at work in his life. Even though he says the path has been a bit crazy, “The grace that we received through it is unbelievable.”

Fillingame grew up in Phoenix, Ariz., before moving to New York to

attend King’s where he was a member of the House of Bonhoeffer and served as Student Body President during his senior year. His high school girlfriend, Laurie Mizioch (PPE ’09), also attended King’s and the two married in 2007, the summer before their junior year.

Laurie suffers from a chronic condition, and after they got married,

Fillingame found himself at the hospital with her frequently. “These visits inspired me to learn more about the medical field. I was never sure what I wanted to do as a career, even while at King’s,” he says. But from those visits, he became interested in the medical field. He did his senior thesis on medical tourism and started to think that medicine might be a great fit for him. He hoped to apply the spiritual and philosophical principles he learned at King’s to an embodied vocation of healing the sick.

Towards the end of senior year, he mentioned the idea of medical

school to Laurie. She was on board, but the options they were considering didn’t include insurance, and that was a non-negotiable for them. After graduation, they moved to California so that Laurie could pursue a master’s degree. Fillingame spent the years of Laurie’s graduate studies working part-time at Apple and taking philosophy classes at Biola. Eventually they moved back to New York, where Fillingame took a job in digital advertising—with excellent benefits. The dream of med school would have to wait a little longer.

Unbeknownst to them,

the Fillingames were about to start another journey of

Pursuing a career in emergency medicine, Matt Fillingame applies the spiritual and philosophical principles he learned at King’s to healing the sick.

discernment. Both Matt and Laurie grew up Protestant and had deep personal faith in Jesus Christ. They were involved in leadership at their local church (Trinity Grace Church), and Fillingame attended Protestant seminary briefly. But he says he never really resonated with Protestantism. So a few years after graduation, as Fillingame was still working to find a way to go to medical school, he and Laurie began to investigate their own beliefs.

They took this investigation seriously, going so far as to travel to

PHOTOS

Kolkata, India to work with nuns at Mother Teresa’s home for the dying

COURTESY

and destitute. It was their first exposure to Catholicism. They attended

Mass in the morning and daily Adoration with the nuns at night. His

M AT T

pastor recalled how the experience changed Fillingame: “After that,

FILLLINGAME

Matt was so much more excited about entering the medical field, and about his faith in general.”

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ISSUE 05

The experience in India sent the Fillingames on a two-year exploration

of their own Protestant tradition alongside Catholic theology and practice. Eventually, after combing through countless books, having many earnest conversations, and spending hours in prayer, they spoke to Pastor Gary Wiley about their sense that God was calling them to join the Catholic Church. To their surprise, he replied, “Me too.” They ended up joining the Church at Easter 2016 alongside Gary.

“I always felt this longing for an embodied spirituality,” Fillingame

explained. “Where the grace that God gives us works through and is made manifest in the tangible things we do—candles, kneeling, incense, genuflecting, sign of the Cross, where grace really permeates nature and nature becomes capable of pointing us to grace.”

At the same time, things were finally falling into place for Fillingame

to go to medical school. Laurie got a job that provided the needed medical insurance and he enrolled in a pre-med, post-baccalaureate program at The City College of New York. He was later accepted to Cooper Medical School of Rowan University where he decided to specialize in emergency medicine. Despite being perceived as an awful job for anyone with a family, within the medical community, emergency medicine is actually considered one of the better jobs

where he witnessed board members of the New

for work-life balance, since the hours are fixed

“I always felt this longing for an embodied spirituality.”

and there is no patient management outside of those fixed shifts.

That kind of consistency was going to be

important, because in the middle of medical school Matt and Laurie found out they were

Jersey Medical Association argue for assisted suicide. Of all the professionals in the room, no one seemed to understand that assisting in suicide would put doctors in a position of becoming the active cause of someone’s death. Fillingame was the only one who spoke out against it. Only

expecting their first son—right before Third

later did Fillingame’s advisor tell him that he had

Block, a major medical school test. “That time was really hard,” he says, “but

changed his mind on the issue.

we received so much grace through it.” Even though following the Catholic

teaching on contraception and openness to life led to some challenging

career in medicine has been a winding one. But throughout, Fillingame has

times, the couple found that God was preparing incredible blessings for

sensed God at work. “Everywhere, I’ve seen grace perfecting nature,” he

them. “People are always saying, ‘I don’t know how you do med school and

says—in his own career discernment, in his marriage, in his family. “You can

have kids,’ he says, “but it’s not like that at all—kids are a lot of work, but they

honor God in any vocational job, but there’s something very tangible about

expose you to so much grace and so much of God.”

medicine. Not only do I get to provide for my family, but I also get to partici-

Now, the couple has two sons,

The journey from King’s to a vocation as a husband and father and a

pate in providing a corporal work of mercy through my day to day work.”

Milo and Damian. Fillingame is poised to graduate in May 2020 and start a residency in June. “As I learn more and more about what being a doctor is, King’s students are very well prepared for it,” he says. Specifically, a King’s education prepares students for the art of medicine by teaching them skills like logical thinking and relating to many different kinds of people. Looking

into

the

long-term,

Fillingame is also considering pursuing medical ethics, inspired by an experience during med school

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

Matt

Fillingame and his

wife Laurie have two sons,

Milo and Damian.

TKC.EDU

BY ALISA GOZ PHOTOS COURESY OF LEAH GUAGLIONE

EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

FOUR YEARS AGO, LEAH GUAGLIONE (MCA ’11) DIDN’ T THINK SHE WOULD EVER ENGAGE IN C R E AT I V E W O R K A G A I N . In early 2016, Guaglione was bed-ridden after a severe car accident. Her traumatic brain injury, coupled with pain, nausea, anxiety, and depression, made the simplest of tasks nearly impossible. But healing came from the very place she was afraid might have been lost forever: through creativity, imagination, and a realization of the power of words, three concepts that are at the crux of her artistry today.

Before starting at King’s in 2008, Guaglione

had attended music school for a year, but while she loved music, becoming a professional songwriter wasn’t on her agenda. “I didn’t know anyone who did that,” she explained. “And I didn’t know you could make money doing it.” What Guaglione did know was that, as a creative person, she valued both the intellectual and artistic side of her brain.

She was drawn to King’s because the PPE

core provided a path that would develop both of those sides. Guaglione knew that if she was going to make art, she wanted it to do more than to make people feel good or to make herself appear interesting. She wanted her art to say something true.

After graduating from King’s in 2011, she

found her first job in the film industry. Although her interest in film wasn’t as strong as her passion for songwriting, her work in documentary filmmaking was fun and adventurous, allowing her to travel across the country and even to international locations. But in one day that was all taken away when Guaglione was hit in a car accident on Christmas Eve in 2015. As the car crashed, her head slammed into the window, resulting in a traumatic head injury. Gauglione had no choice but to relocate from New York back to her parents’ house in Pennsylvania where they could take care of her during the recovery. The doctor had two diagnoses: post concussion syndrome and Postural Orthostatic Tachy-cardia Syndrome. In other words, Guaglione’s body was suffocating from a flulike lethargy. She was living the pain-ridden, immobile life of a ninety-year-old in a twentyfour-year-old’s body.

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

TKC.EDU

few weeks of the positivity game was decreasing her pain levels in a noticeable way. After a few months her body was completely back to normal. “Before that experience, I would have said that I believe in God, but functionally, I lived more like a materialist. I didn’t really have faith that I would get better, ” Guaglione said. She describes the experience as a demonstration of God’s grace.

“Not only did this discipline of ‘lying with the

truth’ heal me physically, it deconstructed my materialist worldview,” Guaglione says. “As an artist, I have to bypass the visible world to touch the immaterial one. I can’t do that as a materialist. This was God’s ultimate grace, to give me a better foundation for my work.”

Today, Guaglione splits her time between

New York City and Nashville, writing songs, producing poetry films, and exploring ways she can share the lessons from her recovery in her

G UA G LI O N E WA S T E LLI N G H E R S E LF T RU T H S T H A T W E R E S O F A R F R O M H O W S H E F E LT, T H AT T H E Y S O U N D E D L I K E L I E S .

art. Besides her singer-songwriter brand XEAH, Guaglione runs a wedding videography company voted “Best of Knot” two years in a row. Her creative goal is to speak words of truth with power, especially truth about love and intimacy.

The doctors’ predicted recovery time of three weeks became two

months and Guaglione was still, for the most part, bed-ridden. On a good day, she would go to lunch with one of her mom’s friends and then return to her curtain-drawn bedroom. She wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to hold a normal job again. With slow improvements, but also increasing uncertainty about whether her condition could improve, Guaglione would spend her days reading books and trying to enjoy as much of life as she could. Still, she understood this was nowhere near living a normal life.

One of the books Guaglione picked up during this time came at her

mom’s recommendation. It was called Words Can Change Your Brain by Andrew Newberg. The book sparked an idea: “Everything I say today will be positive,” Guaglione resolved. Guaglione decided to take the statement as literally as possible. It became a kind of game for her. If she was feeling nauseous in the car, she would tell herself, “But isn’t driving kind of like an amusement ride?” If her back was hurting and she wanted to go home, Guaglione would say, “How lucky are we to be out and about in this town— this is beautiful.” Forgot something in a restaurant? “I love that restaurant; how fun that we get to see it twice.” Guaglione was telling herself truths that were so far from how she felt, that they sounded like lies.

After a few days of this playing the “positivity game,” as she called

it, Guaglione felt a tiny difference in her body. This was something new. Supplements, therapies, acupuncture: none of these had helped. But a

EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

IF WORDS CAN HEAL OUR B O D I E S , W H AT E L S E I S POSSIBLE?

“A lot of us get our morality from TV,” says Guaglione, whose music has

appeared on CBS, ABC, and NBC networks. She points out that most of what is in these shows is fictional, specifically when it comes to casual sex.

“Free love is always tied to empowerment,” she says. One of her current

projects is an exploration of chastity and feminism. The end result will be a visual album of poetry and music that captures love and lust through an honest lens. “My goal right now is to reframe chastity as a woman’s choice, a conduit for power—spiritually, relationally, professionally, and personally. I want it to make sense to the average person, especially someone who is not religious.” She sums up the concept: “Chastity as female empowerment.”

The other theme that’s been showing up in her current work draws

from her story of her recovery. If words can heal our bodies, she asks, what else is possible? She hopes that her work allows others to grapple with the reality beyond what the naked eye can see.

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

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EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

F R O M

F E A R

T O

FA I T H

BY REBECCA AU-MULLANEY PHOTOS BY SUNGJUN KIM

When a job in finance came his way, Carter Fletcher sought to discern if and how he could serve God whole-heartedly outside of vocational ministry.

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

TKC.EDU

It was an ordinary weekday afternoon in the middle of February. Carter

says Fletcher. “I got to see how, from the risk he took, he was

Fletcher (Finance ’18) was sitting at his desk in his New York apartment,

providing for so many people who were then able to make

writing a paper for class, when an email landed in his inbox from PEI, the

a living.” In his father’s example, Fletcher saw how the for-

private equity firm where he had been interning since the previous sum-

profit sphere could bring value to others.

mer. He opened it to find a full-time job offer and breathed a sigh of relief.

This offer didn’t exactly come as a surprise: his supervisor had asked him

offensive lineman being recruited by Division 1 schools, he

a few weeks ago if he would consider staying on after he graduated. But

planned to base his college decision on the football offers

it did mean security: this soon-to-graduate college senior now had a plan.

he received.

However, alongside the excitement, there was a nudging question:

He planned to study business in college and, as an

But during his senior year, he began to feel that his body

Would the finance job turn out to be so comfortable that he’d eventu-

wouldn’t be able to take the strain of college football. Due

ally ignore what might be his true calling? Since the end of high school,

to a genetic condition, he was experiencing an abnormal

Fletcher had been caught between two conflicting career goals: business

amount of pain in his hips while working out. Then, in the

and vocational ministry. As a fiercely committed Christian, he believed

second to last game of the season, he tore his MCL and

that his job was supposed to express that faith. So while he majored in

had to watch from the sidelines while his team competed

finance at King’s, he purposefully kept the door open for a future as a

in the playoffs. Physical therapy cleared him to play in his

pastor or youth minister. Now that it was time to make a decision, Fletcher

final high school game, an ”all-star” competition between

feared that a full-time role in finance would be somehow settling for less

teams assembled from neighboring schools, but he had

than a full commitment to Christ.

missed over a month of lifting weights and his knee braces

threw off his performance. “I had the worst game of my life,”

Fletcher’s interest in the world of business and finance traced back to

his childhood in Destin, Fla.. Since he was young, Fletcher had seen his

Fletcher recalls.

father manage his own ATM company, patiently taking customer service

calls and servicing ATMs whenever they were broken, even on weekends.

he would need to give up his dream of playing football.

“I never saw him sit back and say, ‘I’m the boss; you need to do this,’”

While it was disappointing, he found a sweetness in knowing

EMBLEM 2020

These physical challenges made it clear to Fletcher that

ISSUE 05

that he could lose football without losing what was most important: his

advised him to explore how those traits could be used in the

relationship with God. “My identity is not found in anything else other

marketplace. “God had brought him an opportunity and I

than that I am His,” Fletcher said. “He loves me… He died for me.” His

think it was for a reason,” Brenberg says. His advice echoed

faith had always been a part of Fletcher’s life, but now he recognized it

the reasoning that had propelled Fletcher to choose finance

as central.

as a major in the first place. Both career paths would provide

Now that football was out of the picture, Fletcher decided to buy him-

him ways to serve others, and if he were to decide to go into

self some time while he figured out what to do next. He enrolled at a

vocational ministry later, his time in business would give him

nearby college, Northwest Florida State, where he earned an Associate

valuable skills and experience.

of Arts degree with a focus in accounting. While there, he stayed active

That advice, combined with conversations with friends,

in his local church, partnering with his youth

helped

pastor to help run the Wednesday youth

grounded in his decision. “I think

group. On his own, Fletcher gathered high school guys for an informal Bible study over burritos at a local Chipotle.

As his associate degree was wrapping

up, Fletcher decided to transfer to The King’s College where he would pursue a major in

WHEN YOUR FA I T H I S S O REAL TO YOU,

finance. To Fletcher, business and ministry were a practical combination. Even if he ended up working full-time in the church, he figured that his experience managing money would prove beneficial. The King’s College, with its PPE core curriculum, was the perfect place to complete his bachelor’s degree: He

Fletcher

feel

he felt the pressure that a lot of people fall into,” recalled his roommate Brittin Ward (MCA ‘18). “If I’m not effecting huge change, then is what I’m doing worth it?” While there was no single

IT CAN SEEM NOTHING ELSE I S I M P O R T A N T.

“silver bullet” piece of advice that resolved Fletcher’s anxieties, it eventually became clear to Fletcher that God’s calling for his life wasn’t a single determinate target that he could miss with

would major in finance while also studying

one career step. He could start

Christian thought, theology, philosophy, and

out in finance, keep seeking to live by God’s will, and remain

history on the side. During his three years at King’s, Fletcher thrived under the facul-

open to what God had for him next. He realized the relief

ty’s emphasis on developing character, not just on acquiring skills. He

of knowing he could not put himself anywhere outside the

interned at PEI during his senior year while also serving on The King’s

sovereignty of God. The answers to his prayers echoed

Cabinet as the student director of spiritual life, helping to oversee the

Scripture: “You can do nothing apart from me.”

College’s new grant-funded Public Reading of Scripture initiative.

When the offer from PEI arrived, it seemed to Fletcher to be a good,

full-time at PEI, Fletcher has been promoted from his starting

viable option for a first job after college. This was just the kind of position

position of investment analyst to his current role as senior

for which his coursework had prepared him, and it would allow him to

analyst. In the small office, Fletcher serves as a self-described

stay in New York while his girlfriend, Alexandria Burch (MCA ’19), finished

Swiss army knife, taking on IT and office management tasks

her last year at King’s.

in addition to his regular work researching, analyzing, and

He signed the paperwork a week after receiving the offer, but contin-

monitoring PEI’s private equity secondary investments. He

ued second-guessing his decision throughout the rest of the semester.

sees his main arenas for mission as his daily diligence at

Somewhere along the way, Fletcher had made the assumption that his

work, his care for his friends and others whom God places in

faith was supposed to be directly expressed through his work. “I worried

his life, and practicing love for his wife, Alexandria, whom he

that I was supposed to devote all my time to ministry, as a vocation,” he

married in June 2019.

recalled. “When your faith is so real to you, it can seem nothing else is

important.” While considering the offer from PEI, he worried that a career

learning all he can and seeking to bless his colleagues

in finance would mean less opportunity to make an immediate impact

while he’s at it. His attitude about the future now has less of

for the Kingdom. Shouldn’t he be looking for something more directly

the existential anxiety he felt at the end of college. “When

related to his faith, like youth ministry?

you’re trying to live your life through God’s revealed Word,

A conversation with Professor Brian Brenberg helped alleviate some

you pray, ‘Please make my desires in line with Your desires,’”

of Fletcher’s fears. Brenberg pointed to Fletcher’s work ethic, his willing-

Fletcher says now. “If the Spirit is with you, you don’t have to

ness to take feedback, and his ability to provide vision for others and

worry so much.”

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

Now, approaching two years since he began working

For the time being, Fletcher is sticking with finance,

TKC.EDU

A Few Small Leaps B Y L I L LY C A R M A N

TA Y L O R L I N D S A Y

PHOTOS COURTESY OF

After spending the three years after college overcome by anxiety for the future, Taylor Lindsay took a few small leaps of faith and saw God meet her abundantly.

EMBLEM 2020

Every day, Taylor Lindsay (MCA ’14) arrives at her desk, wearing a hoodie

had been looking for in an executive assistant

and carrying a coffee. Her small desk is home to a pair of drumsticks,

position, she realized, watching the engineers in

several empty coffee cups, a row of sticky notes with Russian words she’s

her workplace, she had a hidden interest in cod-

learning, an origami crane, and two monitors. The team of coders working

ing. While relinquishing control petrified her,

in the desks close by include one Portuguese, one German, one Spaniard,

she couldn’t shake the desire to change career

one Russian, one Ukrainian, one Turk, and one Israeli. They compose one of

paths. In order to achieve that dream, though,

the mobile development teams at Babbel, a language-learning company

Lindsay would have to take some risks.

based in Berlin, Germany. Lindsay puts in her earbuds and turns on some

techno, a favorite genre among her colleagues. The pulse of the music

with four siblings, attentive parents, and “a

follows the rhythm of her work, which demands intensity and focus.

bunch of chickens,” an upbringing that instilled

Back home in Colorado, Lindsay grew up

Five years ago, Lindsay never thought she would be working as a coder

in her an appreciation for hard work. But it had

in Germany. She spent college in a flurry, desperately working in fear of

a downside. “It sometimes came with a gnaw-

not having a secure future post-grad. According to her, “bliss was being

ing fear of what would happen if I didn’t [work

able to control consequences.” But when she finally found the security she

hard].”

ISSUE 05

While at King’s, Lindsay maintained a sleepless routine under

were either non-committal members or tourists,

the delusion that it would assure her security post grad. In her senior

making it difficult to form friendships. Finally,

year, she took 18 credit hours, worked part-time as a faculty assis-

a friend directed her to Mosaik Berlin. The low

tant for Dr. Dru Johnson, wrote an article a week for Christianity

profile of the church seemed to protect it from

Today, and worked 40 hours a week at a cafe in Union Square. She

the irregular attendees, and it was there that

suffered from regular sleep deprivation, but undeterred, Lindsay met with

Lindsay started to form a real community.

several professors to “plan out the rest of my life.” When she related to Dr.

Henry Bleattler her fears of being ill-prepared for post-grad, he chuckled

some administrative work with the compa-

and assured her she would be fine, but these assurances did not assuage

ny’s coding team. One day, while watching the

Lindsay’s anxieties.

coders work, she felt a surprising desire to join

As part of her role, Lindsay was assigned

In the three years following graduation, Lindsay plunged into a series

them. Something about their precision and focus

of “fun gigs,” which made her want security more than ever. She earned

resonated with her. She didn’t consider herself

internships at IndieWired, W.W. Norton, a medical paper, and “a small

“good at tech,” but she was also the kind of per-

hipster music blog.” She worked in data entry at the Institute of International

son who, if her hair straightener malfunctioned

Education and held a side job as a writer for VICE media. This all made

before work, could not restrain herself from

Lindsay despair: “My vision of a great, secure life, earned by hard work,

popping off the casing, fiddling with the cord, scouring the internet’s suggestions, and burst-

“DON’T ORIENT YOUR LIFE AROUND

ing with pleasure when she resolved the issue. Even though she had a comfortable job as an

CO N S E Q U E N C E S — I N ST E A D, O R D E R YO U R L I F E

executive assistant, watching the coders at work

A R O U N D W H AT I T I S YO U S E E K . YO U M AY F E E L

After settling into her new routine in

L I K E Y O U ’ R E M O V I N G B L I N D LY, S T U M B L I N G ,

gave Lindsay the inklings of a new ambition. Germany, Lindsay began imagining what could

C R A W L I N G , B U T Y O U S T I L L M O V E .”

was dissolving into some sort of hodge podge of purposelessness.”

At one point, she shared a box of Dunkin’ Donuts with Johnson and

his wife Stephanie near their home in Harrison, N.J. Johnson listened to her. “Your model for life right now looks like stumbling forward,” he advised. “Don’t orient your life around consequences—instead, order your life around what it is you seek. You may feel like you’re moving blindly, stumbling, crawling, but you still move.”

That advice would help her become more comfortable taking life one

step at a time rather than needing to have the whole plan in front of her at once. In 2016, she landed a full-time position as an administrative assistant at Babbel, a language-learning app company. At the end of that year, her boss Thomas Holl decided to return to the company headquarters in Berlin. Holl asked if Lindsay would want to join him at the mothership and she enthusiastically accepted the offer. She landed in Berlin during the early 2017. It was the dead of winter and, with no heating in her apartment, Lindsay would come home from work only to cocoon herself in blankets.

While Lindsay made friends at work, she

had to hunt for a Christian community. After six months, she still had not found a solid church. Most of the people in the churches she visited

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

TKC.EDU

be next. Watching the other developers had nudged her interest in mobile

I still need 4,000 euros for the bootcamp.” Ten

coding, but as a real career possibility, this seemed out of reach. The typical

minutes later, Lindsay received a text from her

entry into coding was to take a 6,000 euro bootcamp course held eleven

boss: “I just spoke to my wife and we want to

hours a day, six days a week, for several months. But with a 9-5 work sched-

help,” Holl wrote. “We’d be happy to give you

ule and only 2,000 euros in savings, that kind of risk was out of the ques-

a loan for the boot camp—up to 4,000 euros.”

tion. Her friend Nicki offered to let her stay with her for free so she could

Lindsay beamed, reading the text to Garrett,

save money and rent out her flat, but Airbnb rentals were not yet legal in

who shrugged. “Wulp, there you go,” he said.

Germany. “Nothing felt like a real possibility except moving back,” Lindsay

The next day, Airbnb became legal in Berlin. The

says. So she went home to Colorado on unpaid leave, and spent the month

doors were lining up.

of May considering what to do next.

Bootcamp was its own beast. After attend-

While the logistics of becoming a coder complicated things, Lindsay

ing a full day of class, Lindsay would rush home

remained thrilled with the possibility. “The decision to try to make the

to clean her apartment, change sheets, greet

switch was just plain exciting,” she said. “I love scheming and dreaming,

a new guest and take a train back to Nicki’s apartment where she would collapse in sweat and exhaustion. Lindsay completed her bootcamp by the end of summer 2018. She applied to several companies, but working at Babbel was her first choice. She was told there were eight new trainees hired already to fill the eight new Junior positions. The next day, she received an email from Babbel with good news that there were nine teams. “You’re the last to join, so you’d have to be okay with the team. Are you inter-

PHOTOS ON

ested in mobile development?” After a scream

P R E V I O U S PA G E :

of joy, Lindsay accepted the offer.

C HAT T I N G

WITH FELLOW

mobile development at Babbel and has never

C H U R C H G O E R S AT MOSAIK BERLIN

EMBLEM 2020

regretted taking the risk. Outside of coding, she spends time building friendships with her team-

L I N D S AY P R E S E N T S

mates. While her colleagues all find it bizarre

HER FINAL PROJECT

that Lindsay is a practicing Christian, they find

FOR BOOTCAMP IN

it more bizarre that she doesn’t live up to their

AU G U S T 2 0 1 8 .

expectation of a “religious radical.” For one, she

but whenever I thought about it I got a little buzz to think that ‘this could

listens to what they have to say and wants to

actually work, if all the doors lined up and opened all at once.’” But, the

learn from them, trying to understand how their

doors were not open and looking at the obstacles, Lindsay also felt scared.

upbringings and perspectives are both similar

She did not know if she would be able to secure a job after graduating from

and different from her own.

boot camp. If she could not find a job within a month, her visa would expire

and she would have to leave Germany. “This always freaked me out a little,”

busy, things have changed since college. A few

she recalls.

weeks ago, she found herself afflicted with a

One afternoon during her Colorado hiatus, while lounging in sweat-

nasty case of double pink-eye. Other than slath-

pants on her sister’s bed, Lindsay’s phone rang. It was her boss, Holl, call-

ering her eyes with antibiotic cream, Lindsay

ing to check in and see how her plans were evolving. Lindsay admitted

could only lie in her bed, to heal. She laughs

she wanted to pursue coding, preferably in mobile development. They ran

about all this over a video call with me. She’s

through scenarios and ideas, trying to figure out a way to make it work, but

just come in for a run and is making dinner, her

with no guaranteed job on the other end and without the money in savings

phone propped up against a spare bunch of

to pay for the bootcamp, nothing seemed to work. They hung up, promis-

broccoli on her kitchen counter. “I’m working on

ing to keep thinking.

becoming the person who isn’t always working

on something,” she says. “But just more on being

“Well bud,” Lindsay said to her brother Garrett who had entered the

kitchen and was downing a glass of milk, “if God wants me to do all this

Ever since, Lindsay has been working in

While Lindsay still feels the impulse to be

the kind of gal who can hear God’s voice.”

ISSUE 05

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TECHNOLOGY DOING TO

HUMAN

In September 2019, the McCandlish Phillips Journalism Institute at The King’s College and the Acton Institute co-hosted a symposium on Technology, New Media and Virtue. The following is excerpted from a panel moderated by Dan Churchwell and has been edited for clarity.

NATURE?

EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

ON THE KNOWLEDGE PROBLEM

Question 1.1

Moderator: DAN CHURCHWELL // DIRECTOR OF PROGRAM OUTREACH AT ACTON INSTITUTE

Q: DO WE HAVE ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT TECHNOLOGY IS DOING TO US? C.S. Lewis’s The Abolition of Man talks about the knowledge problem:

his fear for the future of technology is that fewer and fewer men will have power over billions of men. It’s the idea that the average man or woman doesn’t know how the background works in technology. Many people didn’t know Facebook was data-mining us. How do we know what

technology is doing to us? Is there even a way to know, if we don’t have insider technological knowledge?

Answer 1.1

JOE TOSCANO // FORMER EXPERIENCE DESIGN CONSULTANT FOR GOOGLE AND BEACON FOUNDER

IT’S GOING TO TAKE A LOT OF WORK TO CLOSE THE DIGITAL LITERACY GAP panel were literate, and you all were not, we could pass notes with each other. If you came up and saw our

There have always been power

dynamics and struggles in human history and there’s never going to

be a point at which we’re all equal. If you really think that’s where you want to head, I don’t think you’ve considered that future in which

we’re all equal and the same—gray. There’s parts of this that are

good and bad. If you head back to the beginning days of the printing

press, for example, if all of us on the

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

note, you wouldn’t be able to read it. We’re in a new age with that

right now with digital literacy. I do believe that gap will be spanned.

Because of the Internet and the way communications drive information nowadays we can speed this up,

but it is going to take a lot of work. I think that’s also why we need

protections within the government right now. Not strict regulations—

freedom of speech issues are really

hard to govern. If that’s put into law,

then anyone who’s in control can

ﬂip those switches. There are really sensitive issues here. What they

[lawmakers] are trying to do is technically implant subjective issues of life that are just not deﬁned by a binary code. Longer term, it’s a

much deeper conversation, and I think it does start with having technology literacy in youth

curriculum and foundations all

the way through. It’s going to take

a long time for us to really meaningfully ﬁgure this stuff out, and until

then, I just think there needs to be some protections.

TKC.EDU

Answer 1.2

DR. READ SCHUCHARDT // ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR OF COMMUNICATION AT WHEATON COLLEGE

DATA ISN’T THE SAME AS WISDOM, BUT IT CAN HELP US PAY ATTENTION technology. Without the technology,

takes a lot of knowledge and

31,000 and change.

all these causes. It's not just

the number would have been

So now think about it in terms

The knowledge problem is

“technology=bad.” It's the

accumulated, historical effects of multiple technologies.

traditionally understood on a

he said, “I am going to introduce

knowledge, and wisdom. The

the world’s best music player, the

you’re not depressed right now,

T.S. Eliot in poetry when he said,

world’s best Internet connection

attention. When you look at the

in knowledge? Where is the know-

great presentation of the iPhone

Now it’s all being lost by data, these

one device, and all three things

wisdom is disappearing. The good

gasped. It was amazing. What if

now to quantify all these questions

downside. It’ll kill about 10,000

hierarchy of information or data,

to you three new devices today:

problem was addressed in 1947 by

world’s best cell phone, and the

“Where is the wisdom we have lost

device.” The punch-line of that

ledge we have lost in information?”

was that, for the ﬁrst time, it was

data points. So the bad news is the

were in one thing. And everybody

news is we do have enough data

you had said, “There is just one

and answer them very speciﬁcally.

Americans a year”? People would

thought, was going to kill us all.

psychopath, this guy’s crazy. This

the government tracks how many

horrible.” When you look at the

In 2017, that was 40,000 people.

massively quantiﬁable.

study are killed by their cell phone

but we’re very rapidly coming to

quantiﬁable problem. There are

how many suicides are caused by

distraction, where your eyes aren’t

phone. Once that’s happened,

where your hand isn’t on the wheel;

some of my research, you’re going

mind isn’t on driving. The smart-

chances more of me hating myself,

distractions. The answer is 23% of all

wanting to do harm” because of

driving. The number one cause of

but these accumulative effects

phone. That means 9,200 people

the ecosystem we live in, and that's

Here’s an example: the car, we

have thought, “This guy’s a

That turns out not to be true. But

is illegal, this is immoral, this is

people die in car crashes every year.

actual ecological effect, it’s

How many of those in another

of Steve Jobs’s 2007 speech where

wisdom to disentangle what are

We know that it’s complicated,

by distracted driving? It’s a seriously

the place where we can quantify

three types of distraction: visual

the Internet-connected smart

on the road; manual distraction,

and that’s something I’m doing in

and mental distraction, where your

to realize. “Oh, there’s percent

phone represents all three of those

of me wanting to kill myself, of me

car crashes are caused by distracted

this stuff. Yes, humanity’s the same,

distracted driving is the smart-

really are changing the nature of

died in 2017 because of a new

why we have to pay attention. It

EMBLEM 2020

As I say to my students, if

you’re probably not paying

actual depression rates, and the anxiety rates, and who’s the

happiest—who’s thriving in growing

their society and in passing on their religious beliefs to their future—do you know who it is worldwide? If

you’re a Protestant, you have like a 30-40% retention rate. That means if you were raised Presbyterian,

there’s a 40% likelihood that you’ll raise your children Presbyterian.

Catholics have a higher retention

rate; Muslims, Jews, and Buddhists have higher retention rates than

that, in the 60s-70s. You know what the highest retention rate is ever? It’s the one group that actually

continues to answer the question

about technology: the Amish. They have a 95% retention rate. They’re doubling their numbers every 20 years and they’re ﬂourishing and

thriving. But you don’t hear about

them. Why? Because they’re not on

Instagram, they’re not advertising it. This is how the meek inherit the earth. They’re just quietly doing

their thing: marrying at 16, having

12 kids, and taking over. It’s not that

you need to become Amish; it’s that you need to become as shrewd as the Amish.

ISSUE 05

Question 2.1

ON INSTILLING

Moderator: DAN CHURCHWELL

VIRTUE INTO

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING TECHNOLOGY CORPORATIONS ACT RESPONSIBLY? Where should the virtue come from? Jacques Ellul gave an example of the dam: if you build a dam, and 20 years down the road it fails,

who do you blame? You have engineers, you have people who move

CORPORATIONS

the water. You have all kinds of hands in building technologies. We’re seeing that right now with Zuckerberg in front of Congress. Should

we trust Facebook and Google? Does regulation come through the government? This seems to be where the rub is.

Answer 2.1

AARON GINN

Answer 2.2

WE SHOULD START SEEING OUR SOCIAL DATA AS OUR PROPERTY, NOT COMPANIES’

put in is their property because you would never have that

data to begin with. We know

JOE TOSCANO

WHEN BUSINESSES MAKE TERMS OF SERVICE AGREEMENTS CLEARER, IT BENEFITS EVERYONE

that’s not true. You probably wouldn’t have 300 friends on Facebook; you would I am in favor of “data as

property.” “Data as property” exists in terms of other

frameworks: medical infor-

mation, ﬁnancial information. When it comes to your social information, there has to be

some form of framework that what you put into the system is yours. You’re using a

service to enhance your

ability to work in the real world. Right now, the

contract between you and Google or Facebook or

Twitter is that the data you

probably have half of that list.

Facebook has augmented that to allow you to access some

of those people again, but it’s

not like they were responsible. That’s where I think that the contract could be a healthy change. The one company

that is actually pushing that

direction is Apple. Apple has been releasing more new

products that basically have been breaking that cycle. The single sign-in Apple technology alone was a

huge shockwave through the Internet.

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

We’ve created this culture of learned helplessness. These massive corporations have essentially put on an invisible shock collar on the communities. We don’t really know our boundaries; we don't really know exactly what’s happening. When we hit our boundary, it creates this fear. We never want to pass those boundaries again. We end up censoring ourselves and our communities. Yes, there are companies that listen [to our private conversations]. We consent to most of this whether you realize you’re consenting to this or not. But data can be acquired in other

manners. Maybe Facebook’s actually not listening to you. Maybe it’s some other small company from some random app that you downloaded, didn’t read the agreement, and it’s listening to you, and the data gets resold in the marketplace. That is common, and that’s why I believe we need fundamental data rights to protect how information can be used, shared, stored, etc. For example, right now we are working on software with a big company that does a lot of marketing, digital governance. We’re going to redesign the way that you give consent. Obviously, this isn’t something that is going to happen overnight. We’re taking the ﬁrst steps to make it so that Terms of Service agreements are accessible, educational, and

TKC.EDU

Answer 2.2 empowering. How do we not have

well, but that’s going to take decades.

programs? Why don’t we just

to the business front and to put it in a

to create separate tech literacy

The quickest way to do this is to put it

engage the consumer at the moment they have to do it and teach them in the interactions with the machine? So we’re working on more of the business level. We believe that the best way to change these things is through business action. You can go to the government and it’s going to take them a decade or two to correct their actions, with all of the process and the bureaucracies. You can go to the communities and get them to change their ways. We need that, as

framework that meets business language. We go into companies and we talk to them about these issues and say here’s the numbers on how you can actually give what we’re calling positive-sum outcomes. It’s not just a zero-sum game where you win or they win. We’re creating positive-sum experiences where the company can continue to move forward, stop sprinting while they’re looking at their shoe strings, and instead, look up, and begin to imagine a different future.

Question 3.1

FROM THE AUDIENCE: BRENT BLONKVIST PRESIDENT OF ODYSSEY

DIGITAL CONVERSATION

HOW DO YOU THINK ABOUT CONSTRUCTIVE CONVERSATION ON THE INTERNET? Help me understand how you think about constructive

conversation on the Internet. And what do you think about what I like to refer to as disposable chatter: quick sound bites happening across Twitter, Facebook, Instagram?

Answer 3.1

AARON GINN

CONSTRUCTIVE DIALOGUE CAN’T HAPPEN ONLINE If you want to have a constructive

of the communication. You lose

just have to get over that and realize

platform, like websites, comments,

do nothing online in terms of

you. It’s probably not an emergency.

dialogue it can’t occur on the digital whatever. The type or part of communication that’s actually being

delivered to you through this screen is literally the lowest-valuable part

EMBLEM 2020

so much when you go online. I

conversations with other people. For my friends, I call all of them.

When someone calls you and it’s

not planned, you’re like, “Uh.” You

it’s okay if someone randomly calls In my community group, we all call

each other because we all travel a lot. We say, “Just calling to say I love you, I’m praying for you.”

ISSUE 05

Answer 3.2

DR. READ SCHUCHARDT

USE YOUR DISEMBODIED MEANS OF COMMUNICATION AS A MEANS TO EMBODIMENT their schedule and come to visit you

in the hospital room. Embodiment is everything. When you’re sick in the hospital and you get a notiﬁcation that there’s a Facebook group praying for you,

that feels good. When you get a card that physically shows up in the

hospital room, that feels better.

When you get ﬂowers, that feels

even nicer. And when you reach out and there’s the hand of Mom, you

know she actually loves you the most of all those people. It’s not that

they’re not real. It’s that they’re not willing to actually take time out of

Use your disembodied means

way you loved your cell phone, you’d all feel like rockstars.

My son is now an RA in his dorm.

He has a wicker basket that people

of communication as a means to

put their cell phones into when they

call; instead of calling, embrace.

makes the room an embodiment

today. Because that’s going to be

Just those little acts of resistance

you get with another human today,

an agreement with your friends.

be pinched, touched, turned on, off,

we have lunch and we never pick

tionally, everybody wishes they were

hugely signiﬁcant in terms of who

of love. If you loved each other the

really love you.

em-bodiment. Instead of texting,

come into his room to talk, and he

Give each other a high-ﬁve or a hug

zone. The guys on the ﬂoor love it.

one of 25 physical points of contact

that encourage embodiment. Make

whereas your cell phone is going to

We put our phones face-down when

swiped 2,500 times today. Emo-

them up. Little things like that are

a cell phone. Nobody gets that kind

you know your real friends are, who

Answer 3.3

JOE TOSCANO

STAND BEHIND THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO MAKE IN YOUR INDUSTRY opportunity, I get it —but sometimes you need to break away, make the message that you want to make. I think with anything you guys do,

Then those bigger entities often

thing in creating this future that

and attach on to those and then

walk the walk. You’re going to have

company [Google] because I

of you. If you want to make

change is to go outside of it, create

the change you want to make.

in, and then bring it back. Maybe

you’re going to have to make at

not by doing the traditional route

for Forbes—huge impact

Be creative.

especially journalism, the biggest

look and see cultural movements

you want to see is that you need to

maybe you come back in. I left the

bosses that want certain things out

believe the best way to make

change, you have to stand behind

something else that they see value

That’s the tough decision that

the best way to make an impact is

some point in your career. I write

that you’re always told is the best.

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

TKC.EDU

BY JOSIAH SIMONS

I T W A S A W I N T E R W E E K D AY M O R N I N G I N 2 0 1 1 . Holly (Hall) Tate (Business Management ’10) stood on the subway platform at Third Ave/138th St. The smell of urine filled the station and Tate, shivering in the winter cold, watched a rat scurrying on the tracks below. She was on her way to one of two part-time jobs, trying to stay warm in a dress with tights, ankle boots she had bought from the Strawberry store, and a

Daniel. “She was a legiti-

thrifted coat. The screeching ‘6’ train pulled into the station,

mate

sounding like nails on a chalkboard. Tate wanted to scream.

legend around the city.” In school, she was a

For the first time in four years, she was ready to give up her

straight-A student and played soccer every year from kinder-

dream of “making it” in the Big Apple.

garten through high school graduation. In high school, she

Girl

Scout

cookie-selling

This was not the scene she had envisioned for herself a

few months out of college. Since childhood, she has always approached life with expectations for success and had attained it. She assumed her professional career after King’s would be the same. Now a 31-year-old Vice President of

H E R D A Y S W E R E D A R K ,

Business Development at Vanderbloemen, in Houston, Texas, Tate points to the rejection she faced during the years after King’s and the failure to meet personal expectations as the parts of her story that have led most to her success.

As a child, Tate excelled at anything she put her mind to.

A naturally talented singer and orator, she often played main

was awarded All-District Goalkeeper in soccer, served in stu-

roles in her church and high school theatre productions. As an

dent government, was a part of Beta Club, won Thespian of

overachieving Girl Scout, she always placed among the top

the Year in theater, and was president of FCA (Fellowship of

scouts in cookie sales. “I’m pretty sure she was the top-seller

Christian Athletes).

of Girl Scout cookies in all of Nashville,” recalls her brother

EMBLEM 2020

Tate’s success as a student and leader did not end after

ISSUE 05

she arrived at King’s in 2007. She consistently made the Dean’s List, served as Helmsman for the House of Barton, and was the Inviso

forever. She laughs thinking about this now, realizing that is exactly what happened.

Over the next few weeks, Tate decided moving was her

Visit Coordinator. She also received

best option. She got in contact with Mike Reed, VP at Salem,

the Joe T. Ford Award for excellence

and was soon offered a position as an account executive, sell-

in business at graduation. She had

ing radio advertising. She prayed about the move and her

hopes of working in the music indus-

concerns. She feared “getting stuck in Texas,” and didn’t want

try after graduation through her

to give up her dreams of living in New York City and work-

internship at The Bowery Presents, a

ing as a creative professional. Ultimately, she knew she would

concert company.

have to give up her need for control to God. For the first time

in months, she felt complete peace. Tate decided to move to

She graduated in December

2010, thrilled to start real life in

Texas in May of 2011.

New York. She waited for full-time

offers from her two employers:

time in four years, she had to drive if she wanted to go any-

Culture shock was waiting for her in Dallas. For the first

the Admissions Office at King’s or

where. While her peers sported bleached blonde hair, stilet-

Bowery Presents, but they never

tos, and white dresses, she preferred her urban uniform of

came. She lived in a windowless,

jeans and Payless shoes. They showed up in fancy Lexus SUVs;

moldy basement apartment of a

she in her 2003 red Ford Taurus. “I felt like a black sheep.”

brownstone in Mott Haven, Bronx. Her

Looking out at the diverse but segregated Texas city from her

days were dark, literally.

Most

days,

she

car window, she missed the trains full of people from all backwoke

grounds and ethnicities, her breakfast sandwich and coffee

the dark and took the ‘6’ train 20 minutes

from the local bodega, and fried plantains from her favorite

to the basement of the Empire State Building, where she worked for eight hours. When she

South American restaurant in the Bronx.

But she did find friends in Doug and Dennis, two Salem

walked out of the building, it was dark outside.

salesmen who worked next to her in the office. Both in their

She would then go to her internship at The Bowery

40’s, they respected and encouraged Tate even though she

Presents, often working ticket desks at concerts until 2:00

was 22, one of only a few women on the sales team, and

AM. Then she would travel home in the darkness to do it all

had never before worked in sales and marketing. They were

over again the next day.

the mentors she didn’t know she needed. One day, when a

In April, a fellow student at King’s asked

client decided not to buy advertising space with her, even

Tate if she would be interested in moving to Texas to sell

after a long negotiation round, Tate found herself frustrated

advertising for Salem Communications, a radio broad-

and in tears in Doug’s office. A container of Fireball jawbreaker

casting company in Dallas where his father was vice

candies sat on the bookshelf. She grabbed one, popped it

president. Tate’s father worked in the radio industry in

into her mouth, and sat down in a chair. “I wish I could quit,”

Nashville, so she was familiar with Salem, but a job in

she admitted.

L I T E R A L LY.

radio was not part of the plan. However, she began to

think that moving to Dallas could not only be an escape

said. “What Mike needs you to do right now is stick with it, go

from the gloom of New York but the Lord opening a door to

back to your office, and keep making cold calls.” Tate eventu-

a new chapter. She remembers worrying that if she moved

ally trudged back to her desk and did just that. This moment,

to Texas, she might find a husband and end up living there

she now says, taught her a pivotal professional lesson: to let

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

Doug listened and after a minute spoke kindly. “Holly,” he

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go of failures when they are unchangeable, and move on to the next opportunity.

One of those opportunities was from William Vander-

bloemen, the CEO and Founder of Vanderbloemen, a church staffing and Christian executive search firm. He wasn’t interested in buying radio advertising at first, but after weeks of persistent calls and emails, he eventually gave in and allowed Tate to pitch to his team at Vanderbloemen, even though he wouldn’t be at the meeting. When he returned, his team reported, “We don’t like the product, but you really have to track Holly down and hire her!”

A month later, Vanderbloemen called her and asked

for an in-person meeting. She arrived, prepared to finish the sale. Instead, Vanderbloemen asked if she would be willing to sit down with him for a formal interview. Looking back he says the decision to hire Tate proved critical for his company. “If we end up having any modicum of long term

“ T H E L O R D P R O M I S E S T H AT H E WORKS ALL THINGS TOGETHER FOR

success at Vanderbloemen,” he says today, “you’ll be able to

H I S G O O D . I D O N ’ T K N O W E X A C T LY

draw a straight line from our success story back to the day I

W H AT T H AT M E A N S , B U T I C L I N G T O

hired Holly.”

In July 2012, at 23 years old, Tate started her job as

Director of Business Development. Over the past eight years, she has been promoted to vice president and been a cru-

HOW HE HAS SHOWN UP IN MY LIFE O V E R A N D O V E R A G A I N .”

cial part of the firm’s growth. The experience has given her ample opportunity to express her positive, “let’s do this” attitude in the face of challenges, one of which has included navigating the landscape of an industry that has certain expectations as to what she should be. Tate, now 31, spends

three short days later, she got the dreaded call from the doc-

most of her days advising church leaders and board mem-

tor that her blood work signaled something was wrong. At

bers on staffing and succession planning best practices, many

an ultrasound appointment the next week, the Tates learned

of whom are men twice her age. She is often complimented

there was no longer a heartbeat. For the first time since her

on her work with phrases like, “you seem like a sharp young

doctor had called four days earlier, she completely broke.

lady.” “It feels condescending because they sound surprised,

She grabbed her husband’s hand and they wept together on

given that I’m a young female, but I try to lead with empathy,”

the ultrasound room table. The baby had a rare chromosomal

she said. “I know they mean well, and I try not to take myself

abnormality, and there was nothing she could do or could

too seriously.”

have done to change the outcome. It was completely out of

her control.

Tate has found her stride professionally. She’s now the

VP of Business Development, a Forbes contributor, and a

sought-out speaker for events and conferences. But she’s

but I’ve learned that there’s very little we have control over,

still learning to surrender control to God, most recently in

no matter how hard we work or how much we plan. I have to

January when, at 11 weeks pregnant, she tearfully stared

trust God.” Tate went on, “The Lord promises that He works all

at her unmoving baby on an ultrasound screen. One week

things together for His good. I don’t know exactly what that

prior, the Tates had received a glowing report of a strong

means, but I cling to how He has shown up in my life over and

heartbeat and what appeared to be a healthy baby. However,

over again.”

EMBLEM 2020

“I’m a person that likes to have a plan and be in control,

ISSUE 05

BY ALISA GOZ

As John Gonska watched his plans to minister in Israel fall apart, God brought an unexpected opportunity to return to his hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. IT WAS THE FALL OF 2019 and John Gonska

college, whether it was working at a major asset

found themselves energized, not exhausted.

(Business ’10) had spent the past few weeks

manager, consulting in tech, or starting his own

After a couple years of living this pattern, John

scrambling around Tel Aviv, speaking with the

company. Now, as their plans to minister in Israel

began to consider if there was more for them in

U.S. Embassy, Israeli government organizations,

fell apart, Gonska began to wonder what God

church ministry.

and Catholic churches trying to find a way to stay

would do next. How could these plans be failing

in Israel. A month earlier, he had moved his fam-

when God had brought them this far?

cent of Gonska’s time was going to work and

ily of four here, planning to join alongside a local

The Gonskas first stepped into ministry in

about twenty percent went to the church. But

ministry on a church-planting mission. At the last

2015. At the time, they were living in New York

it was that twenty percent that the Gonskas

minute, he found out the company sponsoring

City and attending Hillsong Church. Gonska was

increasingly loved. Spending time in prayer

his application was shutting down.

working at BlackRock, a global investment man-

and seeking advice from their community, they

With no visa and a wife soon expecting their

agement corporation, but he also felt the tug to

decided to flip the ratio and to go into ministry

third child, the options were closing quickly. No

do something more. Soon after, John and Rose

at eighty percent capacity. They were confident

job meant no income, no savings, and no health

started leading a community group on Sundays

that God was pressing upon them to “go and be

insurance. It also meant facing broken plans

after church, attended weekly by eight adults

equipped.”

and an unprecedented level of uncertainty, new

and 10-15 kids. Every Sunday, after heartfelt

territory for a man who had experienced rela-

hours of fellowship and despite the chaos left

three years of student life ahead, the Gonskas

tive success in the nine years since graduating

behind by rooms full of kids, John and Rose

moved their family to Australia to attend Hillsong

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

During these years in New York, eighty per-

So in 2016, with enough savings to begin the

TKC.EDU

“Our only plan is we’re going to stay in the middle of God’s will, no matter where He asks us to go, no matter what He asks us to do.”

College. The study-packed years flew by. Soon

he added, “was like taking one little step on a

speakerphone so Rose could hear—started off

enough, doors were opening for the family to

gangplank.” Eventually, it became painfully

with some small-talk about mutual acquain-

use their training and make their next move,

obvious: the door to working and living in Israel

tances and what led Wilkes to launch his church.

this time to Israel where they would finally be

was closing.

Gonska shared about his path: Cleveland,

living the life they had dreamt of: eighty percent

Chicago, New York, Australia, Israel.

dedicated to ministry and twenty percent to

make a decision quickly. She would not be able

financially-sustaining work. They would help

to fly much longer, so if moving was what they

tion continued. “What are your thoughts about

build the Hillsong campus in Tel Aviv and

needed to do, they would have to do it soon.

the ministry?” Wilkes asked. “What’s God calling

John would work as a director of R&D for a

On top of that, funds were limited: they only had

you to do?” The two men continued to talk for a

Norwegian-based social planning app.

enough money for one more month of rent in

while. By the time Wilkes hung up, Rose looked

But despite careful planning, their vision

Israel or tickets back to New York. Without know-

over at Gonska from the couch. “You know,” she

for working and serving in Israel began to fall

ing where he would work or what would hap-

said, “What started as a conversation ended as

through. Gonska lost the tech job, which backed

pen, John decided to book his family a flight to

more of an interview.” Though informal, that

their visas. Without the visa, the health insur-

New York.

phone call led them to wonder if, despite the

ance, or the income, the couple had to start

thinking about moving again. “There was some

One night not long after booking the tick-

something after all.

disbelief that God would bring us this far—that

ets back to New York, Gonska was sitting at

we’d be planning for so long—only to have the

the kitchen table in his Tel Aviv apartment at

York in mid-November 2019 with four carry-ons

plan come crashing down in a relatively short

midnight, talking to Jim Wilkes, the pastor of

and six checked bags. The very next day, Gonska

amount of time,” Gonska admitted. Every day,

Journey Church in Ohio. The conversation—on

was back at the airport, this time catching a

EMBLEM 2020

With Rose pregnant, the Gonskas had to

***

But the tone soon shifted as the conversa-

broken plans, God might be leading towards Gonska and his family arrived back in New

ISSUE 05

domestic flight to Cleveland. Rose was right; Gonska’s conversation with Wilkes had set a few things in motion. Shortly after that midnight phone call, he was invited to shadow the leadership at Journey Church for three days. Gonska was eager to see if he would be considered for a job. He was also anxious about what Plan B might look like if he wasn’t. But it never got to Plan B. At the end of the three-day trip, Gonska was invited to complete a two-week interview for a full-time pastoral position at one of the church’s campuses. A few weeks later, he was hired full-time and now pastors in the very community he grew up in.

John had been doing some form of ministry

for years. But until the pastorate in Ohio, there was always something else on his plate, another type of job. It was a formula that made sense for someone with experience in tech and development, a business degree, strong leadership skills, and an interest in politics, someone who was also raising a family. For a while, Gonska wouldn’t even let himself consider the option of full-time ministry. During his time in Israel, John’s desire had started to change, and once the idea of full-time ministry came to mind, John couldn’t get it out of his head. “I was praying, seeking God, and really wanting to find an avenue to be doing ministry full-time.” It wasn’t an entirely new idea. “Initially when I was coming out of high school, I wanted to be in the ministry full time, to become a youth pastor,” John said. He even completed a year of ministry training at a school north of Chicago before transitioning to King’s. Over a decade later, even as the plans for ministry in Israel foundered, God was re-kindling John’s desire for pastoral work.

The couple’s third child, Chloe Elisabeth

Gonska, was born on January 17, 2020. John and Rose and their two older children are settling into the very community where Gonska grew up. But Gonska is not the same person as when he left. Having received and having lost, having been hurt and having been challenged, Gonska has become equipped. He became equipped not only in knowledge received through his studies at King’s and at Hillsong College, but also in prayer and surrender. “Our only plan,” Gonska said, “is we’re going to stay in the middle of God’s will, no matter where He asks us to go, no matter what He asks us to do.” For Gonska, that place is Journey Church in Cleveland, Ohio.

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

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EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

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BY ALISA GOZ

PHOTOS COURTESY OF JORDAN BARLOW

I L L U S T R AT I O N B Y K I M C H E A N KOY

A supposedly temporary move back home to Oklahoma became an opportunity for Jordan Barlow to challenge her assumptions about what constitutes a successful life.

JORDAN

BARLOW

(PPE

’16)

WALKED

INTO

her Oklahoma house on a summer day in 2016 and her eyes began tearing up. Waiting for her inside was a cuddly golden-doodle Barlow’s mom had gotten her.The dog’s ears were a warm toasted brown,a shade darker than the rest of her body. Barlow took the “almost painfully cute” pup outside where she began bouncing around the yard, chasing her new owner. The two bonded quickly, “as though we both knew we needed each other,” Barlow said. Calling her mom to thank her, Barlow decided to

My-am-uh), a small town in Ottawa County about 60 miles away from

name her new pal Gracie—the name would be a reminder of God’s grace

Claremore. She’s still not sure if it was Google cookies or divine inspiration

towards her.

that led her to King’s when she was looking at colleges as a high school

Ever since learning about the water crisis at a summer youth camp

junior, but right from the start Barlow was inspired by studying at a Christian

in high school, Barlow has had a growing passion for seeing long-term

institution in a city where so many key world players were making decisions

solutions to community issues, especially in underserved populations.

and impacting lives. After visiting King’s and talking with a student who was

After graduating from King’s, Barlow planned to spend the summer at

interning at the United Nations, she was confident in her choice to attend

home in Oklahoma before heading off to graduate school at St. Louis

King’s. And when she received a Gates Millennium Scholarship, the finan-

University, where she had a scholarship to study public health and social

cial pieces came together and Barlow was able to make the commitment.

justice. It seemed like the logical next step towards a career in public

At King’s, Barlow was inspired and sharpened by the critical

service and truly meaningful work. But after a few months back at home,

question-asking environment. In addition to these skills, her list of

she began to feel an uncomfortable call to stay and serve her community

resume-worthy accomplishments upon graduation in 2016 was eye-catch-

and began to consider how many of her actions were driven by expecta-

ing. Besides her degree from King’s, Barlow had also studied abroad in

tions either she or others had placed on her.

Switzerland, participated in a summer public health program at Columbia

University, and interned at a preventative health non-profit in the Bronx.

Born in Claremore, Okla., Barlow grew up in Miami (pronounced

EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

Her plan was to continue to build upwards, to use her skills and data-driven mindset to make change in communities. “People just assume that if Bill Gates invested in you, you’ve got to have great accomplishments,” Barlow said. “I had super high expectations for myself.”

The summer after she graduated, Barlow was back in Oklahoma. After

four years in New York City and some time abroad, moving back to home even for the summer felt like taking a step back at precisely the moment when everyone was expecting a big leap forward. But during the transition between King’s and grad school, she got an internship working in healthcare administration under the president of the hospital in her hometown.

At first, the plan was to work at the hospital just for the summer. But

as the summer drew on, Barlow began to feel less certain of her next step. “I truly felt this unrest in my core,” she said. Even while there was a tug to move forward, there was also an unexpected tug to stay. A tug to dive deep

“I GREW UP SEEING SO MUCH POVERTY A N D I S S U E S R E L AT E D TO L A C K I N G O P P O R T U N I T I E S I N M Y H O M E TO W N A N D S U R R O U N D I N G C I T I E S .”

where she was planted, despite expectations or perceptions. She began to ask herself, “Why am I relying on graduate school?” With time, the answer became clearer: “It’s my secure fall back.” There was security in knowing that the scholarship was already in place. There was also security in taking a step that Barlow knew others would view as successful.

Connecting the dots, Barlow began to see that security was her default

position of self-reliance. “I felt safe and secure within the bounds of what

hitting every mark. During that first summer, Barlow was encouraged by a

I could control,” she said. “But God was whispering to my heart, “Do you

quote from pastor Tim Keller: “God sees us as we are, loves us as we are,

trust Me?” So while staying to work in her hometown felt “risky,” Barlow

and accepts us as we are. But by His grace, He does not leave us as we are.”

began trusting that small whisper. Fall came and she did not pack her bags

Grace was becoming a theme.

for St. Louis.

At the end of the summer, Barlow accepted a full-

around her. She was beginning to learn about the

time role at the hospital, focusing on what was known

way it could cover her ambitions. The word was in the

as the 5/50 program—where 5% of the patient popula-

forefront of her mind all summer. And when her mom

tion was responsible for 50% of the costs to the hospi-

brought that golden-doodle home, she couldn’t think

tal. She dived in as an advocate for change within her

of naming her anything but Gracie. “God was bring-

community, her passion driven by personal experience

ing me through a season where he was teaching me

of witnessing poverty and limited opportunities in her

about his grace, and teaching me to rely on Him. It was

community growing up. “I grew up seeing so much pov-

a season of learning that God’s love and forgiveness

erty and issues related to lacking opportunities in my

has already been achieved, it’s nothing we can earn

hometown and surrounding cities,” Barlow said. “This

with our merits or efforts—you move from self reliance

job really motivated me in making a difference.” Within

to freedom.” And in that freedom was a growing confi-

the first six months of the program, Barlow’s team had

dence to do the work she was given in her hometown.

designed a care-coordination plan that was projected to

save the hospital over $200,000.

Engaged to be married in April 2020, Barlow and her

Slowly, Barlow began to learn to see grace all

Today, Barlow is stepping into another transition.

Later that year, Barlow became involved with a community coalition

husband-to-be, Butch Flick, are moving to Punta Gorda, Fla., where Butch

known as Partners for Ottawa County, Incorporated, which improved the

has secured a job as a fly fishing guide. Barlow had planned to continue

communities within Ottawa County through their work in youth develop-

some of her Oklahoma-based work remotely, but that opportunity closed

ment, poverty, and health. That same year, Barlow was appointed to the

abruptly and with little explanation. So instead, Barlow accepted the

Board of Health for Ottawa County, the Boys & Girls Club of Ottawa County,

opportunity to work as the Director of Children’s Ministry at the local United

and, a few months later, the United Way. “I must have really gotten excited

Methodist Church, coincidentally located a block away from her new apart-

to serve on Boards,” she joked.

ment in Punta Gorda.

Even as these new opportunities were unfolding in the early months

Though unexpected, Barlow sees this new role as God’s provision to

of post-graduate life, Barlow still struggled with a feeling of inadequacy

her. The circumstances and tasks of the work are different, but the theme

and comparison. It was hard to not compare herself with other alumni who

has remained: a leadership role in which she can serve and impact her

had gone on to do “impressive” things. It was hard to let go of the desire

local community for good. “I’m excited to see what doors God has that I

to meet other’s high expectations—to become less critical of herself for not

can’t even see yet.”

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

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Faced with a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, Kiley Crossland wrestled with her definition of success and desire for validation.

BY ALISA GOZ

PHOTOS COURTESY OF KILEY CROSSLAND

EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

KILEY (HUMPHRIES) CROSSLAND (PPE ’08) was

sitting inside her 1960 cul de sac house in the suburbs

was enjoying the studies and conversations, she also had

of Denver. Her husband Caleb was outside in their yard,

doubts. Did she really want the life of an attorney: the initial

building a swing set with their four year-old son, James. It

debt, the race to pay it back, highly competitive culture, and

was a Saturday in early January and this family scene was a

then the pressure to work full time? What about marriage

quieter one than what Crossland had expected for life in her

and family? So after completing the fellowship, Crossland

early thirties.

decided to work for a year at a boarding school for at-risk

As the oldest of four, Crossland remembers her child-

teenagers in Kansas City while dating Caleb Crossland, a fel-

hood house bustling with nearly constant movement. “I love

low from her cohort at The John Jay Institute. In 2012, they

a busy, full house—lots of energy and laughter and mouths to

married and settled in Boulder, Colorado.

feed.” When she got married in 2012, Crossland hoped her

home would brim with the same energy. But in 2015, after two

stepping away from her professional ambitions. She con-

years of trying to conceive, Kiley and Caleb were diagnosed

tinued to work remotely as an alumni coordinator at the

with unexplained infertility. Despite the diagnosis, Crossland

boarding school. After a few years, she got a job at Horizons

became pregnant a few months later. This first pregnancy

International, a non-profit missions organization. And in

was a gift and a surprise, which neither they, nor the doctors,

2015, she transitioned into working remotely as a writer and

could explain.

editor for WORLD Magazine’s digital edition.

But a year after James was born, in 2017, the Crosslands

But those days were also full of reevaluation. While she

For Crossland, stepping into family life did not mean

As she settled into her job at WORLD, Crossland began

found themselves back at the doctor’s office as they were try-

to form ideas about what success should look like in the fam-

ing for a second child. Painfully, the diagnosis was the same

ily realm. She dreamt of becoming a mom who had a house

as two years earlier: unexplained infertility. For Crossland,

full of kids, but who still had space to host a church com-

the diagnosis has meant a different kind of family life than

munity group; a mom who poured love into her children,

she had expected. It has also been an invitation to wrestle with her idea of success.

Graduating from King’s, Crossland had a perception

that life would be an upward trajectory—more influence, more success, more fun. With a Politics, Philosophy, and Economics degree in hand, her first job was as an assistant to the Provost at King’s. A couple of years later, Crossland decided to switch gears and pursue a law degree. She took the LSAT and applied to a few schools. But she decided to delay law school when she came across The John Jay Institute, then hosted in Colorado.

A fellowship at the Institute was her next move. Crossland

recalled the experience fondly: reading 100 to 200 pages of material a night, writing a paper to discuss the next day, sharing meals together, attending morning and evening prayer. “And then we would buckle down with our books and a cup of tea and start all over again.” It was a PPE major’s dream.

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

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but who always had a heart to give more; a mother who was admired for how much she could achieve.

The infertility diagnosis put these dreams into question.

Even after miraculously giving birth to her first son, James, the Crosslands returned to the doctor’s office in 2017 and received the same diagnosis as two years prior: unexplained infertility. Frustratingly, the issue was completely out of their control. “It’s wild that in 2020 we know so little about how conception works,” Crossland said. “No one really knows why we can’t get pregnant.” Despite experimental chiropractic treatment, vitamins and supplements, diets and hormones…none of these efforts could create new life in her womb. And with the loss of control, came mourning. Some days the mourning looked more like frustration—frustration at how much time and money they had poured into the ultimately unfruitful treatments. Other days it was simply a quiet sadness.

“Some days I really feel the loss of not having more

children and James not having any siblings,” she shared. “Other days I find a lot of comfort in believing this is all in God’s hands, and the story isn’t over yet.”

Crossland admitted that the process of infertility has

stripped away what she thought would make her life valuable. She might not ever get the approval of others looking admiringly at her productivity or accomplishment as a mom. “Still none of this struggle is outside God’s control,” Crossland reflected. “That has been a challenge and a comfort at the same time.”

This year James started preschool. Both Kiley and Caleb

feel peaceful about where they are right now as a family: open to more kids but not actively pursuing treatments. And in each new season, Crossland continues to look for what serving her family in the circumstances that God has given her can mean.

This season, it looked like a job change. Having spent

most of her free moments over the last five years doing research and writing, Crossland decided to quit her job at WORLD Magazine. Instead, she’s partnering with her husband in building his telecommunications company. While telecommunications isn’t her passion, she’s excited to serve alongside her husband in a helpful role.

Her perspective on what counts as worthwhile has grown

to see all of life as faithful service to God: “Regardless if you’re working part time or full time, or not at all, you’re still working,” she says. “It’s okay if it feels humbling. It’s okay that it feels like a little bit of dying.” While this surrender to a new story doesn’t look glamorous, doesn’t come with praise or admiration, and doesn’t seem to have an upward trajectory, it comes with peace.

EMBLEM 2020

ISSUE 05

BY JOSIAH SIMONS

I L L U S T R AT I O N B Y K I M C H E A N K O Y

ONCE SEEING GOD AS A JUDGE,

M AT T H U F F M A N H A D N O R E A S O N

TO GIVE UP DRUGS AND WANTED TO DIE.

BUT SEEING GOD AS LOVING GAVE

HIM NEW A PURPOSE FOR LIFE.

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E V E R Y F R I DAY E V E N I N G , M AT T H U F F M A N ( P P E ’ 1 7 ) , 32, drives to a church just outside Lexington, Ky. He walks across the parking lot, opens the door to a small building, and is instantly bombarded with hugs on his way to the coffee pot. Many of the people in the room attended Huffman’s wedding last year in August. Like a normal church gathering, there are groups of people standing around chatting, some of them as old as 60, some as young as 18, most sipping cups of free coffee.

After everyone gets settled, Huffman sits in the front of the room

and begins the meeting with a confession: “My name is Matt, and I’m an addict.” After years of using drugs to feel good, Huffman’s life changed after his family intervened and he saw God through the lens of love, not judgment. Now married and settled in Lexington, he’s organized his life, not around feeling good, but around serving people.

Huffman’s dependence on substances started not long before he

moved to New York in 2006 for school at King’s. Like alcohol, which

Huffman poses with Dr. David

Huffman had started consuming in high school, drugs made him feel safe

Tubbs on his graduation day.

and present in the moment. He had always struggled with feeling like something was off with himself, “like a picture hanging on the wall,” he recalled. “A little bit crooked.” Drinking and drugs shut off the “never-ending critic” in Huffman’s head that would constantly tell him he was not

from several classes due to too many absences,

enough. At the time, he saw God as a judge: a rewarder of good people

he couldn’t graduate until 2011. For those next

and a punisher of bad. Terrified of judgment from God and others if they

two years, his life was defined by his addic-

should find out, he hid his habit from his church friends and parents.

tion. If he wasn’t in class, he was doing drugs,

Once at King’s, Huffman tried to comply with the Honor Code, but

on his way to buy drugs, or doing whatever

found it nearly impossible to not return to the feeling alcohol offered.

it took to get drugs. Huffman was completely

He found his first drink at an upperclassman party near the end of his

broke because all of his money went to booze,

first semester. During his sophomore year, he began smoking weed and

weed, and oxy, if he could afford it. At different

using cocaine. There were friends who tried to help him give up substance

times, he was homeless, unable to make rent, but still attending classes.

SOMETIMES PEOPLE WOULD TEXT AND CALL HIM FOR MONTHS

When

couldn’t

afford

drugs, Huffman would get the

AFTER HE SCAMMED THEM, SENDING OMINOUS MESSAGES

shakes, throw up, and ache

L I K E , “ I ’ M B E H I N D Y O U ” W H E N A C T U A L LY T H E Y W E R E N ’ T.

could go to class and function

all over. When he had it, he like his classmates. Huffman had cut all ties at school so few people noticed

use, but he pushed away anyone who wouldn’t condone his behavior.

when he wasn’t in class. Whenever his mom,

Huffman’s grades started to slip and his friendships disappeared. “I iso-

Susan, called, he would make up crazy excuses

lated myself to where ultimately the only people I was around were peo-

for why he was being academically withdrawn

ple that would co-sign my B.S. and who wouldn’t judge me for essentially

from classes, why he was broke, and why he had

trying to kill myself.”

been kicked out of his apartment. Desperate

The habit worsened. During the summer of 2008, Huffman tried

for money, he started scamming other users by

Percocet. While weed, booze, and cocaine had seemed to ease his rest-

posting ads on Craigslist, promising tablets of

lessness, Percocet felt “like breathing for the first time.” The following

Percocet for cash. When people agreed to buy,

summer, while back home in Kentucky, Huffman developed an addiction

he would put a handful of tablets of Tylenol into

to “hillbilly heroin”—what they call OxyContin in Kentucky, Percocet’s more

a black bag, meet them in a public place, and

potent, more expensive cousin.

insist on receiving cash before handing over

In August of 2009, Huffman returned to King’s for what was supposed

the “drugs.” He would insist that the customer

to be his senior year. But because he had been academically withdrawn

could only open the bag in a nearby alleyway,

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ISSUE 05

alone. When he or she walked to a corner, Huffman would bolt, praying the customer wouldn’t catch, or worse, shoot him. Sometimes people would text and call him for months after he scammed them, sending ominous messages like, “I’m behind you” when actually they weren’t.

DRINKING AND DRUGS SHUT OFF THE “NEVERE N D I N G C R I T I C ” I N H U F F M A N ’ S H E A D T H AT W O U L D C O N S TA N T LY T E L L H I M H E W A S N O T E N O U G H .

But sometimes he would get caught. One

time, a woman and a big athletic man pulled up for a purchase in Brooklyn’s Marcy projects. Huffman tried to use his usual tactic, but after he handed the woman the bag, she immediately opened. He walked away as fast as possible.

calling 911, put him in a car, drove it up the street, and left him on the side

The woman began screaming, “He ripped us

of the road. He would have died that night if a cop had not walked up at

off!” and the big guy came sprinting. Huffman,

two in the morning to check on the vehicle. Finding the car registration

not in any shape to race him, was finally caught

in Susan’s name, the cop called the number listed. Answering the phone,

after ten minutes of ducking around corners.

Susan felt sick to her stomach as the cop described the unconscious man

Exhausted, he gave up, threw the money on

in the car. “He’s got long hair and a beard,” the cop said. Matt doesn’t

the ground, and waited to be stabbed. Luckily,

have long hair or a beard, she thought. “That can’t be him,” Susan said.

when the buyer realized there was no Percocet,

The cop then spotted a tattoo and read it to Susan: “Mama you been

he took the money and walked away. Huffman

on my mind.” Susan knew immediately it was her son, his tattoo quot-

felt miserable. The worst part, he remembers, is

ing a Bob Dylan song. Her heart dropped. The cop rushed Huffman to

that he would have to do the whole thing again

the hospital where he nearly died, flatlining several times before finally

that night if he wanted to avoid feeling deathly

stabilizing.

sick from withdrawals.

In 2011, Huffman was only a few months

they invited him to a friend’s house where they, and his older brother

from graduating. He’d moved back on campus

Chase, were waiting. Sitting there alone on a three-person couch, Huffman

and was living at the Ludlow apartments. He

didn’t realize that he was in an intervention until his mom started talking.

had already been to two Honor Councils by this

“You are out of control,” she said. “You are going to die.” He dropped

point, the first for drinking as a freshman, and

his head into his hands, realizing the toll his life was taking on his family.

the second for having weed in his apartment on

Susan told him they were sending him to a correctional facility in Florida

campus. Huffman was good at hiding the secret

called WestCare. Huffman agreed—a few months of rent-free living on the

life he was living, but during one fateful room

beach didn’t sound too bad. He wanted to appease his parents and more

check, his chamberlain found weed on his desk

importantly, he was ready to try something different. Four days later, he

and that was strike three. Huffman was sent

was on a flight to Florida.

home to Kentucky and not allowed to finish his

senior year.

on Huffman what was happening. For the next several months, he would

Over the next three years, Huffman tried to

have no phone and no drugs. Stopping at a gas station, the shuttle driver

overcome his addictions. He had an on-again-

handed Huffman his cell phone so he could call his parents while he went

off-again relationship with heroin, and would

in to grab a snack. Holding the iPhone, Huffman immediately thought,

do cocaine, smoke weed, and drink to help

“Run.” He could sell the phone, buy some drugs, and live in Florida. But

himself cope. His mom and Huffman’s brother

something stopped him. “I know the misery and pain and shame if I do

didn’t find out about his drug problem until

that,” he thought. “I don’t know what it feels like to do something differ-

they found him overdosed on heroin in his

ent. Let’s try this.” That day was April 13, 2015.

bedroom. Most of the time, Huffman felt like he

wanted to die. It would be so much easier, he

a half were the hardest. At night, Huffman would be up for hours in pain

thought. But addiction kept winning.

as his body went through extreme withdrawals. He would only be able

One night in 2015, Huffman overdosed

to fall asleep by reminding himself that he could always kill himself if this

while doing heroin with friends. He passed

didn’t work. He would often fall asleep begging God, “Please don’t let

out and the people using with him, instead of

me wake up.”

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

Huffman’s parents realized it was time for an intervention. Days later,

In the shuttle on the way from the airport to the facility, it dawned

Huffman stayed at WestCare for eleven months. The first month and

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One night, Huffman had a dream that felt like real life. He was at a

party in a drug house. Needles and bottles were scattered on the floor. Huffman asked someone what year it was. “2016,” they replied. Huffman was overcome with emotion as he realized he’d just wasted another full year addicted to drugs. He closed his eyes and started saying a different mantra, over and over again: “Please let me wake up. Please let me wake up.” For the first time in years, Huffman wanted to be alive. After this dream, Huffman started to see God differently, as loving and caring, not only as a judge, and began reading his Bible through this new lens.

H E C LO S E D H I S E Y E S A N D S TA R T E D S AY I N G A D I F F E R E N T M A N T R A , O V E R AND OVER AGAIN: “PLEASE LET ME WAKE U P. P L E A S E L E T M E W A K E U P. ” F O R T H E FIRST TIME IN YEARS, HUFFMAN WANTED TO BE ALIVE.

Nine months into his time at WestCare, Huffman called The King’s

College, telling them he was clean and that he wanted to finish his degree. After a committee came together and voted in favor of him being allowed to return, Huffman was invited back. The classes he needed, however, were only being offered in the spring. Two months later, he was released from WestCare and returned to Lexington where he worked, saved money, and started attending a Friday night 12-Step meeting, the

same group he attends today. Through this group, God’s grace became

real to Him as it had never been before.

church, walks across the parking lot and sits in a room full

But the highlight of his week is when he pulls up to the

Back at King’s nearly a year later, Huffman reconnected with profes-

of recovering drug addicts. These are his closest friends,

sors and former classmates who were now staff members. Determined to

and the group is a constant reminder of where he came

experience New York differently this time around, he found and joined

from and where he never wants to return. They are also a

a 12-Step group in Harlem. After years of feeling that he would never

reminder of God’s power and grace to transform lives.

graduate college, Huffman was immensely grateful for his new chance.

He worked hard in classes and earned straight A’s in his final semester.

years clean with this group. Looking back, Huffman reflects

Not long from now, Huffman will be celebrating five

After graduating, Huffman moved back to Lexington where, in 2018,

on how, for so long, he chased things that made him feel

he took a job with Building a United Interfaith in Lexington through Direct-

good. “I chased it to its bitter end,” he said. “It was the emp-

Action (BUILD) working as an associate organizer. BUILD is an organiza-

tiest, darkest place I’ve ever been.” Now, even when he

tion of 26 churches in the Lexington area who come together to address

works 70 hour weeks with BUILD, he’s found true peace and

local issues in the community through education, research, training, and

fulfillment. “Loving God and loving my neighbor, it doesn’t

action. Huffman’s job is to develop relationships with congregants and

always feel good, but in it I’ve found fulfillment, peace, and

clergy of these churches, and train them how to communicate better with

joy,” he says. “I don’t want to live in service of myself, I want

public officials.

to live in service to others.”

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Drawing from her own experiences as a perfectionist, Cassandra Smith seeks to provide quality instruction to students with special needs— as well as the assurance that they are more than their academic performance. 51

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ISSUE 05

CASSANDRA SMITH (PPE ’09) SLUMPED DOWN IN THE BACK ROW of a Tubbs class. Propping her chin up in her hands, she stretched back the skin at her temples to keep her drooping eyes open. She turned her chin down in resolution, trying to not miss anything. One too many all-nighters had done their damage. She had spent the night before—and early morning hours—clacking away at her computer and scrupulously editing a paper for another class. The last grade she had received in that class left an unsavory taste in her mouth, and she was anxious to redeem herself.

Prior to coming to King’s in 2005, Smith worked restlessly to maintain a spot-

less academic record. She felt so determined to earn a high grade on her world history AP exam in high school that instead of eating, she nervously spent the lunch break reviewing her notes. When she got to King’s, her desire for perfection pushed her to burnout. Realizing that she was placing unrealistic expectations on herself, Smith slowly started to reform her habits. Today, Smith serves as Director of Special Education at NorthSide Charter High School and works to show her students that they are worth more than their academic achievements.

Growing up, Smith turned to academic performance as a way to ease the

difficulty of fitting in with her American classmates. Born in Brooklyn, she was raised by her grandparents in Montreal, Canada until she was six, at which point she returned to live with her mother in St. Albans, Queens.

Despite golden childhood memories of “playing jump rope, bingo, and

roller-skating” in St. Albans, Smith admits that the transition into American life did not always feel natural: “When I came home from school, everything surrounded Haitian Creole, Haitian politics, food, and music. I was always ignorant of the American cultural references.” But being a model student was something Smith was good at, and it provided a way to feel in control of her environment.

By high school, Smith had a reputation as an ‘A’ student. “Every day I stud-

ied for hours and I would get euphoric with every ‘A’ I earned,” she recalls. “I tried to find myself by being a model student who didn’t trouble her teachers. Even when I had legitimate questions I didn’t bother to ask for fear of embarrassment.” This fear of being a burden and damaging her pristine reputaB Y L I L LY C A R M A N

tion caused Smith to work herself to the brink of exhaustion. Her hands often cramped from taking meticulous notes and her back ached from lugging her textbooks everywhere. In her head, the regular stress and intensity were small prices to pay for what they promised: a sense of identity.

The comfort of this identity began to dissolve at King’s, where Smith

started to experience a fierce sense of inadequacy when comparing herself to peers. Eventually the pressure overwhelmed her and caused an anxiety mudslide involving “crying to sleep, not sleeping, overeating, and trying desperately to prove worth through grades.” A typical day for her involved commuting from Long Island to school and spending every spare pocket of PHOTOS BY SUNGJUN KIM

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

time between classes studying. Despite great effort, she lost her A-streak, making her feel lost and desperate. And her body was starting to reach

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its all-nighter limit. “I would spend nights studying for a class then totally blank out when professors would ask me questions during class discussion.”

Her time at King’s was not all a burden, however. Smith recalls with gratitude how professors like

Dr. Tubbs challenged her to speak more in class discussions. She began reading C.S. Lewis, who is

“Was I moving toward the kingdom of God or pursuing my own vanity? Was it my perfectionism that I was worshipping?”

still one of her favorite authors, and, for the first time, she began exploring how her Christian faith impacted politics, economics, and social policy.

In the midst of this, Smith decided she wanted to change her career route. Initially, she con-

sidered a degree in law because in her head it “meant making a lot of money and winning.” But

moment, I truly believed that I was lovable in a way I

by her junior year at King’s, she realized she actually wanted to work with children. In the five

had not before.”

years following graduation, Smith worked in daycares, seeking out opportunities to care for special needs children. As her love for special education became a passion, she returned to school in 2011 to receive her Masters in Education at Molloy College in Rockville Centre, Long Island.

The retreat marked a turning point for her. “I recog-

out and disappointing people,” she said. “I did not have clear boundaries which led to tremendous burnout.” After

Even though Smith had started becoming aware of her perfectionism while at

the retreat, Smith slowly began putting limits on herself,

King’s, the allure of it remained. While receiving her master’s, Smith juggled work at

finally feeling the freedom of grounding her trust in God—

ACDS Daycare in the morning, classes in the evening, and service at church on the weekend. While the babies in her class napped, she dug into books about differentiation and specially designed instruction. She eventually quit her full time job when

while praying.” Remaining vigilant in these new habits began to

As she neared the end of her master’s program, Smith’s initial vision to pro-

to question her motives for returning to school: “Was I moving toward the

Smith allowed her friends and family to offer the financial

life around “prayer and worship, prayer and worship, worshiping

making rent by doing deliveries, cleaning bathrooms, and serving at weddings. vide superior education to special needs children had grown faint. She began

not her performance.

support she had previously declined. She started to orient her

she began to do student teaching. During that time, she lived at fever pitch, barely

nized that I needed to say ‘no’ more but I feared missing

transform her value system.

Smith says that King’s “stirred up my appetite for more knowl-

edge and curiosity.” Now, secure in her identity as a child of God, she

kingdom of God or pursuing my own vanity? Was it my perfectionism that I

brings this intellectual curiosity into her work, where she strives to cre-

was worshipping?” One weekend, Smith attended a retreat with members

ate an environment where students receive a unique, kinetic education.

of her church, Resurrection Church. In the car ride home, Smith felt an

Most of all, she works to instill in her students the conviction that “they are

intense sense of God’s love for her. She finally let herself cry. “At that

more than their titles, roles, and tasks.”

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uncertain chance of recovery. She muted the phone so her dad wouldn’t hear her crying.

With that phone call, everything changed

for Lindow. For the past 12 years, she had been chasing a vision of success where she measured her significance by her ability to pro-

Caring for her dying father, Liz Lindow found a deep sense that she was loved, and this knowledge rewired the way she pursued her ambitions.

duce specific outcomes, such as growing her freelance

business,

increasing

her

influ-

ence in corporate leadership, or achieving financial security. But that phone call would

BY JOHN MCORMOND

change everything, including her definition of a successful life. Six weeks after hearing her

I T WAS A WA RM SUM ME R E VE N IN G IN AUG UST. Liz (Schroeder) Lindow

father’s initial diagnosis, Lindow took a leave

(Business ’07) had just sat down to dinner with her husband Tim. Colorado’s orange-

of absence from her job, paused a foster par-

pink twilight passed through the kitchen window, illuminating a glowing bowl of

ent certification process, and moved back to

fresh peaches on the tabletop. They had barely started eating when her phone rang

Dallas, Texas, to support her parents.

from another room. She rose quickly, knowing her father Gordon was calling with the

results of his CT scan, but the call went to voicemail.

urb in north Dallas, Lindow always wanted to

Though she grew up in Carrollton, a sub-

Lindow returned to the table and redialed. “I got the results back,” her father

live in New York City. Despite her parents’ initial

said. She went numb, barely managing to speak. “I’m really excited to hear them,”

reluctance, she transferred in 2004 from Texas

she said nervously. Her father almost laughed. “It’s not good.” Cancer. Stage four. The

A&M to The King’s College, and graduated with

malignant cells had infected his bones, lungs, and abdomen. Lindow thought her

a bachelor’s degree in Business Management,

chest was caving inward. Gordon, her strong, active father, who loved peach cobbler

becoming the first recipient of the Joe T. Ford

and played baseball even at 78 years old, now faced two years of treatment with an

business award at graduation.

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ISSUE 05

At King’s, Lindow excelled in a dynamic

where she could drive strategy for customer

learning environment that integrated the

success at a mission-driven company.

classroom with the city. During a course on

entrepreneurship, she visited an investors’

sharing the results of his CT scan. After a sec-

pitch meeting in Midtown, observing busi-

ond CT scan, the doctors said that with che-

ness professionals implement best practices

motherapy, he had one year to live. Without

in real time. During her junior year, Professor

aggressive treatment, he could survive for one

Dawn Fotopulos hired Lindow as an assistant

to three months.

and helped her start a personal assistant and

Lindow’s

project management business.

immediately. With a remote position not

But then came the first call from her father,

career

ambitions

vanished

But despite the mentorship and oppor-

available at work, her only options were a

tunity, despite living in the city of her dreams,

leave of absence or severance. She took

Lindow couldn’t escape the feeling that she

the leave of absence, realizing that her

wasn’t good enough. In her senior year, her

career at the startup was at best uncertain,

business in project management attracted

perhaps completely over.

several investors and was positioned to grow,

but her imposter syndrome held her back from

and her husband were in the middle of finishing

taking the next step.

their foster parent certification, which was essen-

The move had other costs as well. Lindow

About a month after graduating, Liz mar-

tial to fulfilling their dream of serving children

ried Tim Lindow. They lived and worked in New

as foster parents. In moving to Dallas, not only

York City for the next two and a half years. Tim

would they have to wait, but Lindow faced the

recalled how many of the Christians with whom

heartbreaking possibility of becoming a parent

they interacted at King’s believed that success

without her dad.

meant getting “high up” in strategic institu-

tions. A common refrain at King’s during that

ents didn’t think they would need her help. But

time was “God. Money. Power.” Tim says this

Gordon’s condition quickly worsened over the

lent itself to the belief that “you had to work

next two months and Lindow’s support became

When she first arrived in October, her par-

to gain lots of power and money before you

vital. By the end of November, she and her sis-

could show Christ to the world or change any-

ters looked after their father as if he were a child: dressing him daily, taking him to the

thing. But the pursuit of power and money isn’t

bathroom, and lifting him in and out of a wheelchair. Gordon could barely recognize

what Jesus taught.”

his family. Lindow said that her time caring for her dad was like watching a glass fall

This definitely shaped Liz’s thinking. After

in slow motion, knowing that water would spill everywhere, and desperately trying to

graduating in 2006, Lindow would spend

push the water back into the glass before it all spilled out. She clung to the words of

the next twelve years trying to build a career

Psalm 139.

around this idea of influence, laboring to

ing hard in strategic roles, whether that was

If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

as a project coordinator for public health and business initiatives in Rwanda, in regulatory

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

analysis in the oil industry, or as a freelance business consultant.

even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

Ten years in, it seemed like her hard

work was paying off. In 2016, Lindow began

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?

transform society on behalf of Christ by work-

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

working at a Denver based fintech startup

and the light about me be night,”

and quickly mastered her role managing

even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day,

customer success. In 2018, her CEO invited

for darkness is as light with you.

her to join the launch team for a new technology project at the same company. She also started

interviewing for higher paying roles at other

in harmony. One day in late November, while Lindow and her sister were helping

tech startups, hoping to get a leadership position

their dad use the bathroom, the door lock broke, trapping them inside. They called

G R A C E A N D H U M A N N AT U R E

Although Gordon had difficulty recognizing his daughter, he could sing hymns

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a handyman to come and remove the door from its hinges. Lindow held her dad’s hands while they waited, and began to sing “O Come All Ye Faithful.” Gordon, eyes fixed on his knees, picked up the harmony, but Lindow fell quiet, unable to continue through the song. As she stopped, her father’s eyes lifted, his gaze fixed on his daughter’s face. “Oh, Liz. I love you so much,” he said. “Thank you so much for coming. You’re just such a blessing to me.”

Twenty-four hours later, Gordon fell into a

coma. Two days after that, Lindow placed her hand atop his chest, surrounded by family, and felt her father’s heart pulse for the last time. Lindow says, “Grace surrounds everything. . . in packages that look good, and. . . in packages that don’t. I still feel blinded by the mystery of suffering, but I am beginning to see how Jesus is working things out.”

Over three hundred people attended

Gordon’s funeral. They filled the overflow room in the church, remembering and honoring his kind, humble spirit. In mid-December, Lindow moved back to her home in Denver, reunited with Tim, and learned that her time at the fintech company was over.

In the following months, Lindow’s grief

struck deep. She realized that the best thing she had thus far accomplished with her life wasn’t starting a business, working in Rwanda, or striving for senior leadership. It was giving up her career and, in the name of love, caring for her dad in the last days of his life.

Amid the anxiety and uncertainty of caring

for Gordon, Lindow recalls, “Somehow it got through my thick skull that I was indeed loved.” This knowledge rewired her motivations and the way she approached the rest of her life. She realized she didn’t have to work for the admiration of others anymore. Now, her reason to invest in others came from a place of already being worthy. In mid February 2020, Liz and Tim returned to their house in Denver after breakfast to find a voicemail from a county repre-

Christ. “I still do,” she says, smiling. But she

sentative in the foster system. Hours earlier, Lindow had told her husband that she

no longer feels like she’s racing to meet her

wanted to care for a foster baby, after having previously fostered an 11 year old. The

own metrics of success or to earn approval

representative on the voicemail was calling to ask if they would take in a baby boy.

from others. Gordon’s illness and passing left

Lindow called back and three hours later, she was holding the infant in her arms.

Lindow with a truer motivation for her current

In the first week, the baby wailed anxiously at the unfamiliar faces. He needed

work in the institution of America’s foster care

constant reassurance. Liz and Tim barely slept, but that didn’t matter to her. “No

system. “Being able to be a vessel of God’s

matter how tired she was,” Tim recalled, “her face showed pure joy.” After two weeks,

love to the most vulnerable in our society is a

the panic on the baby’s face faded. Now he loves Lindow and knows her voice. When

way I honor the legacy of love my dad passed

he senses she’s in the room, he cranes his small, round head to look for her face.

on to me,” she says. “The love of God that I now

Lindow once wanted to shape and lead influential, high-ranking institutions for

EMBLEM 2020

rest in.”

ISSUE 05