RELATIONSHIPS
Advice Goddess SPURNING CURVE
I was feeding my meter the other day, and this guy started chatting me up outside his store and got me to take his number. He seemed sweet, but things quickly got weird when he wanted to come over the next night. I said that didn’t work for me, but I offered to swing by his work and say hi during the day. He responded angrily: “No. I wanna come to your house, but you aren’t ready for it.” I politely explained that I didn’t know him AMY ALKON at all and wasn’t into casual sex anymore. If that didn’t work for him, that was totally cool and we could just be friends. He got angry again, saying (bizarrely), “I’m not a negative person” and then “But now you’ll never know how awesome I am!” I was dumbfounded. Why do some guys get so jerky when you turn them down or just want to take things slow? —Baffled Sure, you might miss out on how “awesome” he is. You might also miss out on trying to call 911 with your face while zip-tied to the coffee table. Of course, we can’t know exactly why the guy went so nasty on you. The easy assumption is that he just wanted sex and went all brat-o when he didn’t get it. However, research on men’s responses to romantic rejection suggests some interesting possibilities, including strong masculine “honor beliefs.” Social psychology doctoral student Evelyn Stratmoen explains, “Masculine honor beliefs dictate that men must respond aggressively to threat or insult in order to create and maintain their desired masculine reputations.” “Honor beliefs” come out of a “culture of honor.” It rises up in places with weak or nonexistent formal law enforcement. It’s why men of yore fought duels. In modern life, we see it in gangs and especially in prison. Literary scholar Jonathan Gottschall explains in “The Professor in the Cage: Why Men Fight and Why We Like to Watch” that a “culture of honor” is a “culture of reciprocation.” “In a tit for tat fashion,” a man “returns favors and retaliates against slights.” His building a “reputation for payback” protects him physically, socially, and even economically, signaling to others not to cross him. In two studies that Stratmoen and her colleagues ran, they found that as men’s “honor beliefs increased” — that is, when individual men had more intense honor beliefs -- “so did their perceptions that a man’s aggressive responses to the woman rejecting his attempt to initiate a relationship with her were ... appropriate.” The Stratmoen team’s findings suggest that being romantically rejected “is perceived as an insult to the man’s honor,” making him, say, feel insulted and like less of a man and justified in using “aggressive behaviors, possibly in an effort to restore his lost honor.” Other research by social psychologist Khandis Blake and her colleagues found that men showed heightened aggression following romantic rejection by a “sexualized” woman: a woman wearing revealing, sexy clothing and expressing attitudes that “give an impression of sexiness and availability for sexual encounters.” The researchers grant that “women have varied reasons for self-sexualizing,” like finding it “empowering and enjoyable.” Their motivations may even be “nonsexual in nature.” However, women with a sexualized look and demeanor activated a sexseeking mindset in men (primed “sexual goals,” as the researchers put it) in a way nonsexualized women did not. This sex goal activation -- plus the presumption that a sexualized woman is “more interested in having sex” — increases “the expectancy that romantic interest is reciprocated.” Any romantic rejection that follows has a worse bite — “a greater ego threat,” especially in men with shaky self-esteem — triggering aggressive responses. Now, this is not a call for women to start shopping at Burka Barn or Amishcrombie & Fitch. Wearing a miniskirt (or expressing “liberated” attitudes about sex) does not make you responsible for men’s behavior any more than serving chocolate cake at a party makes you responsible for a guest’s subsequent struggle to fit into their favorite pants. In short, you did everything right, asserting what works for you in kind and dignity-preserving ways. Though this guy’s party manners fell off faster than a bumper Scotch-taped to a car, other aggro men might be better at hiding their Mr. Scary Side. With those guys, your new “take it slow” approach should serve you well. And with the good guys out there, your not wanting to rush into anything is ultimately a signal: You’re a woman worth having — and for more than relationships that begin at 11 p.m. and end at 1, give or take 20 minutes after the guy’s shoe is confiscated and dragged off to a secure location by your sociopathic Pomeranian. n ©2018, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. • Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
82 INLANDER NOVEMBER 28, 2019
EVENTS | CALENDAR
FOOD
THANKSGIVING DINNER BUFFET The restaurant’s traditional all-you-can-eat holiday buffet is served from 11 am-8 pm, with a holiday dinner menu available from 5-11 pm. Buffet prices: Adults, $49.95; seniors (65+) $39.95; ages 5-12, $24.95; ages 4 and under free. Call for reservations. Nov. 28, 11 am-11 pm. Max at Mirabeau, 1100 N. Sullivan Rd. maxatmirabeau.com (922-6252) THANKSGIVING DAY FEAST Dockside offers a grand Thanksgiving buffet with all the classics: turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and more, with views of the lake during dinner. Nov. 28. Dockside Restaurant, 115 S. Second St., Coeur d’Alene. docksidecda.com HISTORY OF YUM: NORMAN ROCKWELL’S THANKSGIVING A fun, familyfriendly introduction into the history of food displayed in Rockwell’s illustrations, including savory Thanksgiving dinner and the soda fountain. Nov. 30, 11 am-noon. $18/$20. The MAC, 2316 W. First. northwestmuseum.org SIP & PAINT: HOLIDAY WINE GLASSES Create a pair of festive wine glasses while enjoying a pint of craft beer or a glass of regional wine. Dec. 2, 7 pm. $32. Beerocracy, 911 W. Garland Ave. facebook.com/beerocracy509/ TAPAS TUESDAYS A showcase of tapas plates featuring charcuterie and cheese, baguettes and topped flatbreads. Tuesdays from 4-6 pm. $10. Wanderlust Delicato, 421 W. Main Ave. wanderlustdelicato.com (822-7087)
MUSIC
SAVED BY THE BELLES The Coeur d’Alene Chorus’s annual holiday concert, featuring the Coeur d’Alene Sweet Adelines, Arvid Lundin, Front Porch Swing Quartet and other local groups. Nov. 30, 3 pm. $12-$15. Kroc Center, 1765 W. Golf Course Rd. cdachorus.com HANDEL’S MESSIAH Spokane Kantorei & Chamber Orchestra, under the direction of Timothy Westerhaus, perform Handel’s complete “Messiah” to kickoff the holiday season. Dec. 1, 3 pm. $10-$30. St. John’s Cathedral, 127 E. 12th Ave. stjohns-cathedral.org WINTER CLASSICS: CELEBRATING BEETHOVEN’S 250TH BIRTHDAY Northwest BachFest artistic director Zuill Bailey presents The Ariel Quartet. Dec. 3, 7:30 pm. $16.74-$42.99. Hagadone Event Center, 900 S. Floating Green Dr. nwbachfest.com
SPORTS & OUTDOORS
BRRC TURKEY TROT The annual event hosted by the Bloomsday Road Runners Club to collect food and cash for Second Harvest Food Bank. Runners/ walkers have the option of 2-, 3- or 5-mile routes. Nov. 28, 9-11 am. Manito Park, 1800 S. Grand Blvd. facebook. com/bloomsdayroadrunnersclub APPLE CUP AT THE VIKING Watch the game on the bar’s six big screens and enjoy drink specials with happy hour starting at 1 pm. Nov. 29, 1-4 pm. The Viking, 1221 N. Stevens. bit.ly/37p6ksQ #OPTOUTSIDE SPOKANE Since 2015, REI has closed its retail doors on Black Friday to #OptOutside. This year, it’s doing more, inviting the local commu-
nity to join a nationwide day of action. Activities in Spokane include trail maintenance and trash cleanup. Nov. 29. Details at rei.com/opt-outside SPOKANE CHIEFS VS. VANCOUVER GIANTS Includes a 35th anniversary celebration. Nov. 29, 7:05 pm. $11-$26. Spokane Arena, 720 W. Mallon Ave. spokanechiefs.com (279-7000) STATE PARKS FREE DAY Visit Washington State Parks without a required Discover Pass ($10/day or $30/year). Nov. 29. Includes day access locally to Riverside, Mt. Spokane and Palouse Falls State Parks. parks.state. wa.us/281/Parks THUNDERSTRUCK 18 The Idaho Panhandle Avalanche Center present a screening of the film Thunderstruck 18, a spell-binding, mind-numbing ode to extreme snowmobilers. Nov. 29, 6-8 pm. $8-$12. Panida Theater, 300 N. First Ave. panida.org (208-255-7801) SPOKANE CHIEFS VS. VICTORIA ROYALS Promos include the Avista “Way to Save” and 35th anniversary poster giveaway. Nov. 30, 7:05 pm. $11-$26. Spokane Arena, 720 W. Mallon Ave. spokanechiefs.com (279-7000) EAGLE WATCHING CRUSIES Every year, 100s of American Bald Eagles visit Lake Coeur d’Alene on their annual migration in December and January. Cruises offered Dec. 1, 7-8, 14-15, 21-22 and Dec. 26-Jan. 1 at 10 am, noon and 1 pm. $13-$25. cdacruises.com LET’S GO SNOWSHOEING! Join Holly Weiler from the Washington Trails Association for a class on how to get ready for snowshoeing, covering equipment, preparation and places to go. Dec. 3, 6:30-7:30 pm. Free. East Side Library, 524 S. Stone St. (444-5300) SPOKANE CHIEFS VS. SEATTLE THUNDERBIRDS Game promo is the player magnet giveaway. Dec. 3, 7:05 pm. $11-$26. Spokane Arena, 720 W. Mallon Ave. spokanearena.com
THEATER
THIS IS OUR YOUTH In 1982 on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, teenagers who were children in the ’60s have emerged as young adults in a country that has resoundingly rejected everything they were brought up to believe in. Thu-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm through Dec. 8 (No show 11/28). $13$25. Spokane Civic Theatre, 1020 N. Howard. spokanecivictheatre.com VENUS IN FUR This sizzling 90-minute play is a witty, unsettling look at the power dynamics not only of the sexes, but the actor and the director. Through Dec. 8; Thu-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm (no show 11/28). $15-$25. Stage Left Theater, 108 W. Third. spokanestageleft.org (838-9727) A CHRISTMAS STORY The musical follows Ralphie Parker and his quest for the Holy Grail of Christmas gifts: an Official Red Ryder carbine-action 200shot Range Model air rifle. Nov. 29-Dec. 15; Thu-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. $23-$25. Lake City Playhouse, 1320 E. Garden Ave. lakecityplayhouse.org ELLEN TRAVOLTA PRESENTS: CHRISTMAS MIRACLES The Travolta Christmas show at the Coeur d’Alene Resort is a local holiday tradition. Starring Ellen, sister Margaret Travolta, daughter Molly Allen and featuring Abbey Crawford, and directed by Troy Nickerson with accompaniment by
Jennifer Twitchell on piano and Eugene Jablonsky on Bass. Nov. 29-Dec. 22; Thu-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 5 pm. $27.50. The Coeur d’Alene Resort, 115 S. Second. cdaresort.com IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE The saga of George Bailey, the Everyman from the small town of Bedford Falls, whose guardian angel descends on Christmas Eve to save him from despair and to remind him, that his has been, after all, a wonderful life. Nov. 29-Dec. 22; Thu-Fri at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. $15-$35. Spokane Civic Theatre, 1020 N. Howard St. spokanecivictheatre.com (325-2507) ‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS It’s four days before Christmas, and the New York Evening Post needs a holiday feature story. But writer Clement Moore has writer’s block and must work at home amongst his five children who are anxious for St. Nicholas to arrive. Nov. 29-Dec. 22; Fri at 7 pm (Nov. 29, 4 pm); Sat-Sun at 2 pm. $12-$16. Spokane Children’s Theatre, 2727 N. Madelia. spokanechildrenstheatre.org
ARTS
SMALL ARTWORKS INVITATIONAL The 21st annual holiday exhibition featuring small artworks by over 50 local and regional artists. Through Jan. 4; Wed-Sat 11 am-6 pm. Art Spirit Gallery, 415 Sherman. theartspiritgallery.com NORMAN ROCKWELL’S AMERICA A remarkable collection of 22 oil paintings, seven charcoal/graphite studies, original posters and all 323 vintage Saturday Evening Post magazine covers spanning six decades. Tue-Sun from 10 am-5 pm; third Thursdays from 10 am-8 pm through Jan. 12. $5-$10. The MAC, 2316 W. First. northwestmuseum.org ORNAMENT & SMALL WORK SHOW The Spokane Art School’s annual holiday showcase features art by more than 40 local artists, with most items priced under $50. Through Dec. 23; Mon-Fri 10 am-5 pm. Spokane Art School, 811 W. Garland Ave. spokaneartschool.net
WORDS
NO RETURN TICKET: A TRUE YARN OF 20TH CENTURY ADVENTURE AT SEA Captain Skip Rowland speaks about chucking it all to sail to the beauty of the South Pacific Islands. Program repeated at Shadle on Dec. 1 at 2 pm. Nov. 30, 4-5 pm. Free. South Hill Library, 3324 S. Perry St. spokanelibrary.org SIGNING: DIAMOND WILSON The bestselling author brings her YA adventure series “The Quest for the Queen” to Spokane. Dec. 1, 11 am-4 pm. Free; books are $11. Barnes & Noble, 4750 N. Division. (482-4235)
PERFORMANCE
CIRQUE DREAMS HOLIDAZE The troupe’s latest reimagined live holiday spectacular. Nov. 29, 7:30 pm. $36-$66. First Interstate Center for the Arts, 334 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. inbpac.com NETFLIX & DRAG Local queens transform their favorite Netflix shows into a drag spectacular. Nov. 29, 8-11 pm. $10. The Pin, 412 W. Sprague. (385-1449) THE BOMBSHELL REVUE’S UNTAMED & UNRULY A variety show featuring local performers: drag kings/queens, burlesque and boylesque, aerialists, vocalists and more. Nov. 30, 7 pm. $20. The Pin, 412 W. Sprague. (385-1449) n