RELATIONSHIPS
Advice Goddess DOODY-BOUND
You printed a letter from a guy who doesn’t want to be a father and wanted to know how to be sure his girlfriend is on birth control. You said, “The single worst form of birth control is trusting that a woman … longing for a baby” is taking hers (with whether she’s ethical being a “mitigating factor”). But you forgot to tell him the magic word -- abstinence! In addition to preventing pregnancy, it also guarantees that you won’t get STDs AMY ALKON or suffer the physically or psychologically damaging effects of premarital sex. Also, where’d you get the idea that women are conniving to get a bun in the oven without informing their partner? Right, we’re all baby-hungry, unethical hopeful breeders. — Saved Myself I like to offer “Don’t have sex!” as a form of practical advice -- usually just as I’m getting into my flying car. Yes, abstaining from sex will help a person avoid producing offspring, getting STDs, or breaking a leg after somebody cheaps out on the home dungeon installation. But there’s a reason they call it a sex drive, not a sex parked in the garage. Also, the advice “Just don’t have sex!” is especially impractical for guys in their hornitoadinous early 20s like the guy who wrote that letter. Sure, he’ll just sit his 800-pound libido down for a little chat and then politely decline any opportunity to have sex as if he’d just been offered some questionable hors d’oeuvre. As for where I got the idea about (some) women “conniving to get a bun in the oven without informing their partner,” well, in email I’ve received from dismayed men paying child support to these women and from research by therapist Dr. Melinda Spohn. Spohn found that more than a third of the 400 women she surveyed at two community colleges had risked pregnancy -- surreptitiously going without birth control or sporadically using it when they had sex with men with desirable qualities (like an apparent willingness to commit and good financial prospects). On a positive note, it isn’t only men who are appalled by this behavior. A female reader who wanted a second child but whose husband wasn’t up for it wrote, “I can’t even remember how many people heard this and said ‘well, accidents happen,’ followed by a *wink wink.* Seriously, it’s disgusting! Even our family doctor said this! I’ve always been sure to make those people feel about two inches tall by saying that I would NEVER do that to my husband (and honestly, who wants a child this way?!).” This woman’s ethics are the single best guarantee a man has that birth control will be used instead of dropped behind the bed. Meanwhile, many people will tell you they value ethics and then just cross their fingers and hope their partner has them. The thing to do is to make ethics a requirement, meaning looking for a partner to be OMG ethical!!! the way you look for them to be OMG hot!!! In other words, yes, a man who doesn’t want a child should practice abstinence -- the practical, doable kind: abstaining from getting into bed with any woman until he’s observed that he has reason to trust her. (If he wants something loud, sticky, and expensive in his life, he can buy a Ferrari and drive it over chewed gum.)
LEICA WOMAN SCORNED
My girlfriend bought me a digital camera for my birthday. Unfortunately, the one she got me lacked some features I wanted, so I returned it to the store, got the camera I wanted, and paid the difference. When I told her this, I think she was offended. Did I screw up? — Photo-Bombed
EVENTS | CALENDAR RACE FOR THE CURE CDA A 1-mile, 5K or 10K run/walk for breast cancer awareness and raise funds for local breasthealth programs. Sep. 21, 9 am. $10-$55. North Idaho College, 1000 W. Garden. komenidaho.org (208-384-0013) CARING FOR KIDS LUNCHEON Featureing keynote speaker Nada Stockton, athlete mother and wife to basketball great John Stockton. Proceeds benefit the St. Anne’s Children & Family Center and Morning Star Boys’ Ranch. Sep. 25, 11:30 am. $50+. Doubletree Hotel, 322 N. Spokane Falls Ct. catholiccharitiesspokane.org (358-4250) KENWORTHY GALA & SILENT AUCTION The theater’s annual fundraiser featuring food, live music by the University of Idaho Jazz IV, art auction, nohost bar and more. Sep. 25, 7 pm. $20/ person. The Kenworthy, 508 S. Main, Moscow. kenworthy.org (208-882-4127) SPOKANE EDIBLE TREE PROJECT FUNDRAISER The new, local nonprofit’s first annual fundraiser features a raffle, live music, local food/drink and more. Sep. 25, 6-8 pm. $15/advance; $20/door. Community Building, 35 W. Main. tinyurl.com/l4ouyvb
COMEDY
JAY WENDELL WALKER & KEN MCCOMB Spokane’s resident curmudgeon and favorite roommate of marmots attack the city for its pothole problem. Sept. 19-20, at 8 pm. $12. Uncle D’s, 2721 N. Market St. (483-7300) LOVE SONGS FOR A GIRL A hybrid standup/improv/musical comedy experience. Sep. 19, 10 pm. $5/advance; $7/ door. Blue Door Theatre, 815 W. Garland Ave. bluedoortheatre.com (747-7045) NUTHOUSE IMPROV COMEDY Performances by WSU’s improv comedy troupe. Sept. 19, Oct. 3, 24 and 31, Nov. 14-15 and Dec. 5; show times vary. $5. Washington State University, Wadleigh Theater. performingarts.wsu.edu SPOKANE COMEDY ALL STAR SHOW FT. NICK THEISEN Live comedy show. Sept. 19-20 at 8 pm. $12. Uncle D’s, 2721 N. Market St. (483-7300) STARTAC IMPROV TEAM The children’s theater nonprofit’s improv comedy troupe performs. Sept. 19-20, Oct. 1011 and Nov. 21-22. All shows at 7 pm. $2.25-$4.25. Theater Arts for Children, 2114 N. Pines, Ste. 3S. (892-5413) YEARBOOK An improvised comedy show using yearbook messages for inspiration. Every Friday in Sept. at 8 pm. $7. Blue Door Theatre, 815 W. Garland Ave. (747-7045)
SEATTLE INTL. COMEDY COMPETITION REGIONAL TALENT SHOWCASE Some of the best stand-up comedians in the Spokane area try out for a spot in the 35th Annual Seattle International Comedy Competition. (Ages 21+ only.) Featured performers include Harry J. Riley and Vaughn Eaglebear. Sep. 20, 8 pm. Red Dragon Chinese, 1406 W. Third Ave. (838-6688)
COMMUNITY
HIRING HEROES CAREER & RESOURCE FAIR Second annual job fair hosting 80+ employers with the goal to match past and present military members and their families with careers. Free pre-event workshop (registration required) Sept. 18 at 5 pm. Fair on Sep. 19, 10 am-3 pm. Free. Spokane County Fair & Expo Center, 404 N. Havana St. redcross.org\HiringHeroes (326-3330 x 221) SOUTHEAST SPOKANE COUNTY FAIR The traditional county fair celebrates its 70th anniversary, featuring exhibits, animals, entertainment, vendors, a carnival, and food prepared by members of local non-profit groups. Weekend events also a fun run and a 3-on-3 basketball tournament. At 201 S. First, Rockford. Sept. 19-20, from 9 am-8 pm, Sept. 21 from 10:30 am-6 pm. Free. sespokanecountyfair.org (291-3908) A T. REX NAMED SUE Mobius hosts the Chicago Field Museum’s exhibit centered on the most complete Tyrannosaurus rex fossil ever discovered. Exhibit runs through Jan. 4, 2015. Museum open Tues-Sun; hours vary. $7-$10. Mobius Science Center, 811 W. Main Ave. mobiusspokane.org (443-5669) VALLEYFEST 2014 Spokane Valley’s annual tradition celebrates its Silver Jubilee. The 3-day event includes live, family entertainment, a parade, booths and vendors, pancake breakfast, balloons over Valleyfest, car show, recreational events (triathlon, 5k/10k Run for a Cause, Centennial Bike ride), responsible dog days and more. Sept. 1921. Free. Mirabeau Point Park, 2426 N. Discovery Pl. valleyfest.org (922-3299) CHILDREN’S RENAISSANCE FAIRE Annual event featuring science activities from Mobius, art projects from the Spokane Art School, fairy-themed crafts, live harp music and more. Held east of Duncan Gardens. Sep. 20, 11 am-3 pm. Free. Manito Park, 1800 S. Grand Blvd. thefriendsofmanito.org (456-8038) COLVILLE CORN MAZE & PUMPKIN PATCH Explore 12 acres of corn maze and pumpkin patches, offering u-pick or pre-picked. Open daily through Oct.
An email for food lovers
When people say about gift-giving “it’s the thought that counts,” they don’t mean the recipient’s thought, “Did you find this in the trash?” Yes, you screwed up -- not by ultimately getting the camera you need but by making the one she gave you disappear like a witness about to testify against a drug lord. Turning the gift your partner gave you into the gift you want should be a threestep process. First, there’s the effusing -- no matter how uneffusive you feel: “Wow, bat excrement!” Then there’s the waiting. One day, maybe two days. And finally…”I just love my camera, honey. But there’s another one that has this feature I really need -- this camera-nerd thing you couldn’t have known about. Would you come with me to check it out?” By keeping her involved, the camera you upgrade to becomes, essentially, Son of Camera that she gave you. By the way, that’s how you should start talking about your new camera, and fast, before you find yourself using it to take a series of forlorn all-by-myselfies to post on your soon-to-be-live Tinder profile. n ©2014, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. • Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
86 INLANDER SEPTEMBER 18, 2014
31 from 11 am-8 pm. $5/kids (5-12), $7/ adults, free/under 5. At 73 Oakshott Rd. colvillecornmaze.com (509-684-6751) OUT OF THE DARKNESS COMMUNITY WALK Support the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention by participating in a community walk, with proceeds benefiting local and national suicide prevention and awareness programs. Sep. 20, 9 am. Free. Mission Park, 1208 E. Mission Ave. outofthedarkness.org (990-0847) PROJECT HOPE FALL BLOCK PARTY Celebrating another successful summer of operation. Activities include tie-dying, screen-printing, face-painting, a hay ride, chalk art, a tomato beauty pageant, bike tours of garden lots, live music by Nick Grow and more. Sept. 20, 4-7 pm. Free. West Central Episcopal Mission, 1832 W. Dean. tinyurl.com/ny99t6d PROVIDENCE ICE CREAM SOCIAL Holy Family Hospital celebrates its 50th Anniversary with the community, offering Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, snacks, tours and family activities. Sept. 20. Free. Providence Holy Family, 5633 N. Lidgerwood St. providence.org (474-2397) HUCKLEBERRY WOLF PACK RALLY Community rally to show support for eastern Washington wolves and to raise awareness for the issues surrounding them. Meet at the corner of Post and Spokane Falls Blvd, from there the group will walk to the Federal building. Bring signage, if possible. Sep. 21, 3 pm. (768-4271) PEOPLE’S CLIMATE MARCH A community gathering to demand bold action to address global warming and greenhouse gas emissions. March coincides with more than 1,000 actions around the world during the United Nations Climate Summit in New York City. Planned as a peaceful and family friendly-march; all are welcome. Sept. 21, 1:30-3 pm. Free. Cowley Park, Sixth and Division. (702-556-9674) ROUND ABOUT 5K A 5K community fun run, with proceeds benefiting the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Sept. 21, 9 am. $18/advance; $28/day of. Deer Park, Wash. roundabout5K.com (276-8811) WSU SPOKANE’S 25TH ANNIVERSARY A celebration for community members, alumni and supporters of WSU. Includes wine tasting by Cougarowned wineries and breweries, campus tours and more. Proceeds support WSU Spokane scholarship programs. Ages 21+ only. Sep. 25, 5-7 pm. $25/person. WSU Spokane, 600 N. Riverpoint Blvd. spokane.wsu.edu (358-7616)
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