phor. And I like hiding in metaphors. But that sentence, with its colons and commas and questions, is not a figure of thought, but an actual thought I had. *** RON4 SAM
Hello. Hi, Ron. I’m a student at Harvard researching a paper on porta-potties, and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions? RON Okay, yes, we’ll do that. I’m busy this week, let’s talk next. What’s your first name? SAM Sam. RON Last name? SAM Reynolds. RON Town of birth? SAM(pause) Glendale? RON What you studying? SAM English? RON Okay, goodbye, call back next week. Five minute pause. The cellphone buzzes; it’s Ron. SAM Hello? RON Hello, what’s your name town of birth and major? SAM This is Sam Reynolds, from Glendale, the English guy. RON Okay Sam, just checking in. I know my buddies, and they like to fuck with me. I don’t want to be scammed. Call back next week and we’ll set up an interview. End conversation. A voicemail doesn’t mean someone will call you back. And if one recording of your voice left somewhere in their files doesn’t do it, I’ve found two or three more approach a marginal effectiveness of zero. The Throne Depot told me to “talk to your school, they’re the ones who will know.5” The toilet psyche happens to be something people don’t want to talk about to another person, so they offload their information to a webpage, where
a family-friendly sanitary slideshow advertises the three-word structure of trust, needs, and support, all concepts that will ensure a pleasant user experience: A construction site with one blue porta-potty much larger than a swinging crane. Lines of mobile restrooms with a man’s profile glancing at them. Some people in groups. It goes without saying the photographs are awful; the upload quality on most is so poor that even the company’s phone number is illegible. The only part that’s clear in every image, even when the sky lacks depth and the writing melts into an out-offocus mass of pixels, is a monolithic toilet always present in the background. When a face does make an appearance in the photograph, it’s tucked in the background, far away from anything remotely personal. Streaming
Ron, the regional New England Manager of United Toilets, also known as 1-800-TOILETS. Can be reached direct: 508-245-4410. 5 “Hello President Faust, I’m a junior at the college writing an essay on porta-potties. Is there someone in your office I could contact that could set up an interview/photo-shoot?” 4
36 SPRING 2015