savage love
A
large crowd braved a snowstorm to come out to Savage Love Live at Boston’s Wilbur Theatre last week. Questions were submitted on index cards, which allowed questioners to remain anonymous and forced them to be succinct. I got to as many of them as I could over two long, raucous, boozy hours. Here are some of the questions I didn’t have time for in Boston…
Rejecting nonmonogamy because your last nonmonogamous relationship failed makes about as much sense as rejecting monogamy because your last monogamous relationship failed. If people applied the same standard to closed relationships that they apply to open ones (“I was in one that failed, so I can never enter into another one!”), most of us would’ve had two relationships in our lives—one open, one closed— > What do you think of poop play? and then either taken a vow of celibacy or pledged to stick to NSA sex I think of it rarely. for the rest of our lives. Our choices are informed by our > How long should I keep my partner experiences, of course, and you had locked in male chastity? a bad experience with an open relationship. Open relationships might Until Rick Santorum is president. not be for you. But it’s also possible that the problem with your last rela> What exactly causes relationships tionship wasn’t the openness but the to end? partner. Relationships end for all sorts of different reasons—boredom, neglect, contempt, betrayal, abuse—but all relationships that don’t end survive for the same reason: the people in them just keep not breaking up. Sometimes people in relationships that need to end never get around to breaking up.
> Advice for happily child-free people in a baby- and parent-worshipping world? You could take comfort in your free time, your disposable income, and your vomit-free wardrobe. You could also see baby and parent worship for what it is: a desperate attempt on the part of the busy, broke, and vomit-spackled (and the people trying to sell stuff to us) to make ourselves feel better about the consequential and irrevocable choice we made to have kids.
> I was in an open relationship once and was heartbroken in the end because my partner broke the rules we made. My current partner wants to make our monogamous relationship open, but I am hesitant because of my previous burn. How do I get over this and become comfortable with an > Magnum condoms are just maropen relationship again? keting, right?
> BY DAN SAVAGE Wrong—but you don’t have to take Take it away, Urban Dictionary: my word for it. Just spend 10 minutes “When a man is sitting on the toion Tumblr and you’ll see for yourself. let taking a shit and has his woman come in and give him head during > I accidentally told my dad about the act of shitting.” your podcast when teaching him I’ve been writing this dumb sexhow to use iTunes. I called home a advice column for a long time, and couple of weeks later, and Dad told while I’ve received a few questions me he’s been listening and Mom like yours over the years (“What’s yells, “I’m not gonna pee on you!” / the deal with blumkins?!?”), I’ve never once received a question It could’ve been worse. Mom about an IRL blumkin session gone could’ve yelled: “We can’t talk right wrong. So blumkins aren’t for real, now! I’m peeing on your father!” and they’re not really about sex. As you can see from the UD definition, > My husband and I (30s, M/F, two it’s not about sex or kink, it’s about kids) found out our best friends of misogyny and implied violence, i.e., 20 years were secretly poly. And we the man takes a shit and orders “his didn’t know! Well, we all fucked. woman” to come in and give him Now our relationship/friendship is head. Consensual degradation and fucked, too. How do we move on from power play can be hot, of course, but this mess? blumkins and donkey punching and Dirty Sanchezes—and the scared People who are poly say they want little boys who talk about them—are more love, sex, and joy in their bullshit. Sexist bullshit. lives—but some poly people seem to want more chaos, drama, and hurt > Like most gay men in their early in their lives. Unless you know a 30s, I enjoy chatting and sending couple well, or unless you’ve noticed pics of my nether regions via datthe trail of destruction they’ve left in ing apps. My confl ict is that I am a their wake, there’s just no way to tell public-school teacher. While I bewhat they’re really after until after lieve I have a right to a sex life, what you’ve slept with them. Anyway, how if someone I send a pic to disagrees? do you move on? You send a note, Do you think I should stop? you apologize for your part in the chaos, drama, and hurt, and you ex- We need to pick a day for everyone press a desire to mend the friendship. on Earth to intentionally release a Hopefully, you’ll hear from them. pic of their nether regions online. It should be an annual holiday—just to > What is the deal with a “blumkin”? get it over with and to prevent moralLike, honestly, why? Why? WHY? izing scolds from going after people They freak me out and confuse me. whose pics go unintentionally astray.
But schoolteachers have been fired for sexting. So… whether you stop or not depends on the degree of risk you’re comfortable with and the faith you have in the discretion of the folks you’re meeting on apps. > Why is the term monogamy and not monoamory? Monogamy comes from the Greek monos for “single” and gamos for “marriage”. So the term literally means “one marriage”, not “one love”. Since you can be monogamous without being married, and married without being monogamous, perhaps the term really should be monoamory, meaning “one love at a time, married or not”. But meaning follows usage, and an effort to get people to use monoamory would be just as futile as efforts to stop people from using polyamory because it mixes Greek (poly) and Latin (amory). > We’re both over 40, married 10 years. He wants a threesome, and I’m ambivalent. He says +1 girl, I say +1 boy. What do we do? Upgrade to a foursome with +1 opposite-sex couple. Thanks to everyone who came out to the Wilbur! I had a blast! On the Lovecast, Dan and the Gist’s Mike Pesca “tackle” a football relationship question: savagelovecast.com/. E-mail: mail@savagelove.net. Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage.
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