savage love I am quite the follower on social media—Facebook and Twitter, in particular. I make no trolling comments, no #MAGA hashtags; I just look with my male gaze. Like Laura Mulvey says, the male gaze is only natural. I’ve lost interest in pornography, so I use everyday pictures of women, typically selfies. It helps me to know the story behind the face and body. None of these pics are pornographic—just feel-good selfies by young women posted on social media. I don’t communicate with these people, because that would be creepy. I’m not worried about whether this is abnormal. I just wondered if people would be okay with this, if people were aware of behaviour like mine when they post, and if I should ask these girls for their permission to wank to their selfies. > NOT ANTHONY WEINER
So long as you’re wanking alone, wanking with a reasonable expectation of privacy, and not bothering anyone who isn’t a sex partner or a sexadvice professional with your wanking, NAW, you can wank to whatever you’d like—except for images of child rape, a.k.a. “child pornography”. You remind me of the proverbial shoe salesman with a foot fetish. (Full disclosure: proverb of mine, not a proverb of Proverbs.) Let’s say a guy working in a high-end shoe store has an intense attraction to feet. Is it inappropriate for him to get an obvious boner while helping women try on shoes? Of course it is. It would also be inappropriate for him to drool or pant—and it would be super inappropriate of him to ask
the women he’s serving if he can jack off about their feet after his shift. But if he can be completely professional, if he can go eight hours without giving off any signs of secret perving, that guy can (and probably should) sell shoes. And he’s free to upload mental images to his spank bank for later—we’re all free to do so, NAW, and it’s only creepy if the people whose images we’re uploading/repurposing are made aware that we’re uploading/repurposing them. So in answer to your question, NAW, under no circumstances should you ask the girls whose selfies you’re wanking to for their permission. People who post revealing pictures to social media—men and women— know they run the risk of their pics being wanked to by random strangers. But there’s a difference between knowing some stranger might be wanking to your pics and hearing from one of those wanking strangers. Being asked by a wanker for permission to wank drags the social-media poster into the wanker’s fantasies—and not only is that creepy, NAW, it’s also no way to show your gratitude. If some stranger is going to make your day by posting a hot pic, why would you ruin theirs— or make them think twice about ever posting a revealing pic again—by telling them exactly what you’re doing while you gaze at their pics? If you saw a woman on the street that you thought was hot, you wouldn’t stop her to ask if you could wank about her later. You would no more ask a stranger that question than you would flash your penis at her, because, NAW, it would constitute sexual harassment. (Promise me you wouldn’t
> BY DAN SAVAGE do either of those things.) You would instead walk on by, minding your own business while discreetly filing her mental image away in your spank bank. You should behave similarly on social media: don’t harass; don’t send unsolicited dick pics; and don’t ask for permission to wank. Finally, NAW, your question inspired me to read feminist film theorist Laura Mulvey’s 1975 essay “Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema”, in which she coined the phrase “male gaze”. Mulvey describes the male gaze as phallocentric, patriarchal, pervasive, and socially constructed— she never describes it as natural.
A problem
has cropped up for me ever since the reports of Donald Trump’s pissing Russian hookers made the news. Every time someone on social media tries to make a comment about how disgusting that is, someone else jumps in and scolds that person for “kink shaming”. The problem for me is that by normalizing my piss fetish, you’re making it dull for me. Piss was one of the few things that even the kink community found disgusting. I now find myself looking for different porn because, eh, a lesbian pissing in the mouth of another lovely lady on a train platform? No big whoop anymore, it seems. My polyamorous boyfriend and I found each other without knowing we shared a love for piss. Neither of us had ever had someone to enjoy that with before. The one thing the piss porn I’ve been watching for half my life completely failed to capture is how goddamn amazing it is to embrace and make out with a person you love dearly while you’re both
covered in each other’s piss. If you personally don’t want to kink-shame, that’s fine. I get it. But everyone, please stop telling your friends not to kinkshame so that my boyfriend and I can get back to the business of pissing on each other and feeling disgusting about it and horny because of it. > PISSED OFF SLUT WIFE
I have grappled with this same conundrum, POSW. If a kink is boneror slicker-inducing to some precisely because it’s so transgressive and disgusting to most, efforts to normalize said kink—by shaming kink shamers, for instance—could piss away that kink’s power to induce all those boners and slickers. But I’m confident that the kink shamers will continue to have the upper hand for decades to come, despite the best efforts of the kink-shamer shamers. So your kink will continue to induce enough revulsion and disgust generally to keep you and your boyfriend feeling disgusting and horny in perpetuity.
Listening to pundits discuss the
DEAR READERS:
DMMA wrote me that letter in 2006. She wasn’t referring to Donald Trump, our current awful president, but George W. Bush, our last truly awful president. I thought DMMA’s idea was great, I put up a website (impeachthemotherfuckeralready. com/ ), and I raised more than $20,000 selling ITMFA lapel pins and buttons. I donated half the money to the ACLU and the other half to two Democratic candidates for the U.S. Senate. (My readers helped turf Rick Santorum out of office!) I didn’t think I’d see a worse president than George W. Bush in my lifetime. But here we are. So I’m bringing back my line of ITMFA buttons and adding T-shirts and, yes, hats to the ITMFA collection. Go to impeachthemotherfuckeralready.com/ or, if that’s too much typing, ITMFA. org to order some ITMFA swag for yourself or someone you love. All the money raised will be donated to the American Civil Liberties Union, Planned Parenthood, and the International Refugee Assistance Project. We’re in for a long and ugly four years, folks. Let’s raise some money for groups fighting Trump; let’s bring ITMFA back into our everyday vocabulary; and let’s remember that we—people who voted against Trump, people who want to see him out of office as quickly as possible—are the majority. ITMFA! -
president on the radio, I was inspired by your brilliant acronym (DTMFA) to yell, “Impeach the motherfucker already!” I’d love to see a line of bumper stickers and T-shirts bearing that sensible message: ITMFA! We need a shorthand for the obvious— think of the boost to productivity we’d get if we could cut half-hour conversations about the president to five simple letters: ITMFA! I appeal On the Lovecast: Trump! What’s up to you to bring this acronym into our with the piss thing and how to fight him. Listen at savagelovecast.com . everyday vocabulary. > DUMPED MY MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY
Email: mail@savagelove.net. Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage.
> Go on-line to read hundreds of I Saw You posts or to respond to a message < GROUSE MT GONDOLA
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 22, 2017 WHERE: Grouse Mountain Gondola Hi “just a person”, aka not a ski instructor ;). Something inside is telling me you aren’t just your average run of the mill person. There’s something about you that intrigues me. I couldn’t help but look through your bus window, as I walked by, wondering who you are. You looked at me too. Then we both did that thing and turned around and looked at each other again. You have a cute little gap between your front teeth and nice blue eyes and I think you had a kiwi accent. I hope you see this ad and respond. I’d like to meet up and learn more about you.
HILLCREST HOT TUB
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 22, 2017 WHERE: Hillcrest Pool I was playing a game in the hot tub, in my head, that I usually play in the hot tub, called “how many people in this hot tub would I want to date?” and after staring at everyone, the answer is pretty much always zero. I started to play the game today, and you walked in and sat across from me, so I stopped playing the game and concentrated on not making eye contact with you. You have short curlyish hair. I have short hair that was in a very tiny ponytail. I think we smiled at each other. Then when we were in the change room, your locker was above mine.
BRAIDING ON THE #3
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 20, 2017 WHERE: Between National and Broadway on the #3 Bus I was the woman groggily re-braiding my hair on the #3 bus just before 8am Friday morning. You were the guy sitting across from me making a pretty good show of not looking at me until you surprised me when you went to leave. Thanks for the nice words. I wish I had been awake enough to return them properly. Say hi earlier next time. :)
WE WALKED SIDE BY SIDE ON BURRARD (SCOTIA THEATRE)
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 21, 2017 WHERE: Burrard Street Hi, you snuck up behind me and I startled. You smiled and I smiled back. It seems we were both walking home in no rush. You were the cute brunette, I was the tall bald guy.
BURNER AT THE SQUAMISH GAS STATION
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 21, 2017 WHERE: Squamish You asked me what I was famous for at Burning Man. I asked you what you would do if you create anything in your life inspired by the festival what it would be. We talked about graduation, and community, and how it is the first two go when the going gets tough. You told me you teach kids how to build Lego robotics. I told you I teach kids how to ride horses and get woken up in the night by avalanches. And then I lost my nerve, and got in my car and drove away. Then I decided that was stupid, and turned around and looped back, but you were already gone. Want to continue that conversation somewhere that is not a gas station parking lot?
FORTUNE CLUB’S DOOR AFTER A CONCERT !
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 19, 2017 WHERE: Fortune Club, 147 E Pender St. After Holly Fuck concert. You are almost a doctor. I’m from Spain, you from Canada. We spoke a little bit, enough to know that I want more of you. I remember your eyes but not your name.
WE WERE VERY LIT OUT SIDE OF A CLUB IN GASTOWN
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 21, 2017 WHERE: Waterfront We chatted for a bit with my friend & I kissed your cheek. You were very tall and handsome.
BEARDED TELUS GUY LOOKING FOR PHONE ROOM AT MONEY MART
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ON THE TRAIN THIS ANGLED UNDERCUT AT LD
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 20, 2017 WHERE: Money Mart on Kingsway
I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 20, 2017 WHERE: Woodwards London Drugs
We made eye contact a few times, I was in the store, you were working, I left too soon without saying Hi... You may remember my awesome leggings.
To you buying bear & beaver in front of me in line at London Drugs, you're beautiful, and if I were more confident about who I am in the world, I might have said hi. Instead I just watched you walk away.
READING A HARDCOVER BOOK ON THE #10
MORNING
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 19, 2017 WHERE: #10 Heading South on Granville You got onto the #10 @ Granville & Pender at approx. 5:40pm. You were wearing a red jacket and had a canvas beige bag on your shoulder. You pulled out a book with either the title or author in red capital letters “PAUL COL....” (I cannot remember the rest). At Davie and Granville, you sat next to me - I was wearing a black coat, grey scarf, and have shoulder length brown hair. I had a knapsack on my back and a black bag with a red purse on my lap. I was so fascinated by the hardcover book you were reading! You looked at your cell once and put on a grey toque just before you got off at 11th and Granville. My stop is 13th & Granville. We live in the same neighbourhood! Want to meet for coffee sometime and discuss the wonder and delight of old fashioned hard cover books?
AT JOE'S GRILL FOR BRUNCH
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 15, 2017 WHERE: Joe's Grill on Main You had salt and pepper hair, the Nando's chicken tattoo’d on you, and a gregarious, infectious laugh. We were both in line to pay, and you were joking with the waiter about how you had no interest in football, but would still watch it that day to hang out with your friends. It was sweet. I also hate football, we should go out sometime. I was the girl in the black toque, grey t shirt and black jean jacket. :)
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 18, 2017 WHERE: On the Train on the Way to Vancouver. I saw you on the train this morning, heading downtown. I got on at Royal Oak and you were already there, sitting at the back of the car, wearing a blue and gray toque. You got off at Granville and as you stood up, you raised your arms and stretched. I couldn’t stop looking at you. Me: blonde, wearing a plaid skirt and purple jacket. Hope you read this. :)
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WITH A NOSE RING ON SKYTRAIN (CANADA LINE) TO DOWNTOWN
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REAL PEOPLE REAL DESIRE REAL FUN.
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I SAW A: I AM A: WHEN: JANUARY 10, 2017 WHERE: Canada Line SkyTrain (Going to Downtown) Taking the SkyTrain was never the favourite part of my daily commute to work - until - a week ago. Last Tuesday I saw you in an overly crowded train. I remember I simply couldn’t stop looking at you the moment I laid eyes on you. I think you got on the train at the Olympic Village Station. We caught eyes for a moment and continued to exchange eye contact. At one point you looked down and had your eyes closed for a brief moment and looked at me after your opened your eyes. I have been hoping to run into you again ever since. You were a stunning woman with a nose ring (left). I was the guy with glasses wearing a black peacoat and I got off at the Yaletown station. I wish I hadn’t gotten off the train and had stayed behind to talk to you. I may very well never see you again, that’s regret.
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www.wildliferescue.ca JANAURY 26 – FEBRUARY 2 / 2017 THE GEORGIA STRAIGHT 39