The Eyeopener

INSIDE: ANNUAL PARODY PULLOUT

Volume 42, Issue 24 • The Eyeopener — Ryerson’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1967 • Wednesday, April 1, 2009

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NEWS

The Eyeopener — Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Page 3

RSU signs on with Gallivan (sort of) Half-empty board of directors meeting extends health and dental plan; some claim motion is a sham by vanessa greco

The Ryerson Students’ Union will be sticking with the same insurance broker next year according to student groups director, Osman Hamid.

The board of directors passed a motion late into Monday night’s meeting to reinstate Gallivan and Associates, the broker who negotiates the school’s health and dental plan.

But not all RSU board members believe the process that reinstated Gallivan is valid.

“I don’t think anyone can call that a proper meeting,” said VP finance and services, Toby Whitfield, who served as the acting chair in the absence of RSU president Muhammad Ali Jabbar.

Whitfield left the meeting after infighting among members escalated into a shouting match.

When the motion was passed, more than seven directors of about 20 had already left the meeting — including Whitfield.

According to Robert’s Rules of Order, the procedure manual followed by the RSU board, a chair and secretary must always be present. Minutes were taken of the entire meeting.

In Whitfield’s absence, Sid Naidu stepped in as acting-chair. Naidu, VP student life and events, approved the motion to keep Gallivan.

Soon after the motion was passed, VP education, Rebecca Rose, returned to the room visibly upset and near tears. “You cannot proceed, there is no quorum,” she said, before counting 13 meeting attendees out loud.

Quorum is the minimum number of people that must be present at a meeting for business to be legally transacted. According to Robert’s Rules, no procedures count without quorum.

Garth Drabinsky can officially be called a crook, but Ryerson may keep the award named after him.

On March 25, Drabinsky and his business partner, Myron Gottlieb, were convicted of three counts of fraud and forgery to the sum of $500 million. The two ran Toronto live-theatre company Livent Inc, known for presenting musicals like The Phantom of the Opera.

In 1997, Ryerson distributed its first Garth H. Drabinsky scholarship. A second-year new media student receives the award each year, winning roughly $700. The prize comes from the interest made off of the initial donation.

Though the award was named for Drabinsky, the money came from Cineplex Odeon, said Pamela Shanks, executive director of development for university advancement. The $25,000 was a corporate gift in honour of Drabinsky, who was president of Cineplex at the time — meaning the money didn’t come from Livent’s crooked coffers.

“They were honouring him because he was young and successful,” she said.

But now that Drabinsky’s been deemed guilty, the university’s looking into changing the name of the award, Shanks said.

“As soon as somebody’s name is in

Monday’s Board of Directors meeting produced some memorable lines from its members. Here are some of the highlights:

That discussion could have taken place in a basement with popcorn. That was not a meeting.

— Toby Whitfield, VP Finance

I can see why students don’t care to get involved anymore... I have no faith in the system anymore.

— Sid Naidu, VP Student Life and Events

Gallivan made lots of recommendations we didn’t follow. They’re not the problem, it’s us.

— Osman Hamid, student groups director

Security was called in (top), Whitfield left the meeting (left) after pressure (right). photos: matt llewellyn and chris dale

The RSU board’s meeting required a minimum of 15 members to complete any transactions. It is unclear how many were present, and there were no calls for a headcount.

Abdullah Snobar, a business faculty director, argues that there was quorum while the motion was being passed.

“The decision cannot be reversed in

Award namesake guilty of fraud; prize could be turfed aleysha haniff associate news editor

Soundbites

the news in a negative way... we have to assess if it’s a problem,” she said.

Adam Kahan, VP university advancement, is looking at the history of the executives who donated the award.

“We want to check out the original donors, who they were,” he said.

He’s also taking a look at the precedent set at other universities.

“Every year it’s helped out a new media student,” said Don Snyder, chair of image arts.

“It was the first endowment for the

We have to assess if it’s a problem.

— Pamela Shanks, exec. director of univ. advancement

new media program,” he said, noting that the program appreciated Drabinsky’s gift because he was a big name in the entertainment industry.

As an administrator, Snyder said he supports and respects the university’s stance, whatever it may be.

“Speaking as a teacher, I always want to see students get as much financial support as they can,” he said.

Ryerson’s history with Drabinsky dates back long before the endowment to Ryerson. In 1987, he received a fellowship, a prize that translates to an honorary doctorate now that Ryerson has received full university status.

any way, shape or form,” said Snobar, who brought his own lawyer to the meeting and saw nothing wrong with the decision.

Prior to Naidu approving Gallivan, Whitfield said more time was needed to evaluate the five insurance brokers bidding for partnership with the RSU. Snobar alleges Whitfield is extending

the decision-making process to push the Canadian Federation of Students’ broker, the National Student Health Network, through.

Whitfield dismisses the accusations.

“It’s just the flailing arms of people on their way out of the students’ union,” he said. “They’re running out of the barnyard as it’s burning down.”

You can’t just vote against something because it’s coming out of my mouth.

— Rebecca Rose, VP Education

This is ridiculous. I’m not having this. You folks won’t even let me do my job.

— Toby Whitfield, VP Finance

Audit outlines steps to end circus by shannon higgins arts & life editor

If the Ryerson Students’ Union ever wants to clean up its act, they now have the blueprint to do it with.

The Eyeopener obtained Deloitte’s RSU audit, which outlines the accounting firm’s recommendations. The audit, paid by the university for $85,000, focused on governance and election policy and the health and dental plan.

Rewrite the election policy Deloitte said the current electoral system is full of holes and prone to accusations of cheating. Basically, they said there is no consistency in the management and the chief returning officer (CRO) can make decisions subjectively and needs strict rules.

Switch to online ballots Deloitte favoured electronic voting at traditional polling stations for efficiency and transparency. Use a system that can double check how many votes were cast against how many ballots they physically have.

Get candidates to sign contracts To ensure the candidates know the rules and penalties. Deloitte said they need better communication between the CRO and the candidates. Also, people on slates need to officially register their teams.

Abolish director slates Executives can still run on slates, but no more directors attached to teams.

The Eyeopener obtained Deloitte’s audit documents.

Deloitte said the slates have halted productivity and put personal politics above serving student interests. RSU director Dana Houssein said students who want to run alone would have a better chance of being elected if the slates were eliminated.

Cut people off Deloitte suggests implementing term limits so people can’t rule the RSU forever. No more than three years of consecutive service and no more than five years in total.

Hire a General Manager Deliotte said the GM should have no affiliations with CUPE, the Canadian Federation of Students or RSU. The GM needs to stay out of student politics.

Set-up checks and balances Deloitte said the RSU has no ac-

photo: andrew williamson

countability and nothing stopping the executive from abusing power. They need checks and balances written into their bylaws.

Clean up the books Keep better records of the money you owe students for health and dental plan opt-out cheques.

RSU president-elect Jermaine Bagnall said the incoming board needs to discuss the recommendations before any changes are rushed through. He wants the RSU to do their own research before motions are passed.

“I’d be curious to talk to other student unions [who eliminated slates] to see how it affected their boards.” Bagnall said.

“Likely changes will wait until the next term.”

EDITORIAL

Page 4

Nickelling and diming us to debt carla wintersgill editor-in-chief

Whenever journalists start messing around with numbers, things start to get scary. After all, we were those kids in high school who flunked out of math class with the, “When will I ever need to use this again?” attitude. I would like to state for the record that I didn’t fail math. I got 68 per cent in Math 11.

I didn’t bother with Math 12.

That being said, one of the important parts of our job as journalists is making relevant information entertaining and comprehensible. I may not be able to do trigonometry, but I do think I can break things down for the average reader.

Which brings me back to numbers.

Readers may notice there are a lot of them on the cover. Let me explain the logic behind them: The Ontario government recently unveiled the provincial budget that outlined its plan for tax harmonization. This means that instead of paying GST and PST separately,

consumers will now simply be paying a flat tax rate of 13 per cent on all goods and services.

On the surface, tax harmonization seems like a good idea, until you take into account that items that were once PST exempt are facing an 8 per cent tax hike. (Instead of only paying 5 per cent GST, there is the new harmonized 13 per cent tax to pay.)

So, we crunched the numbers. Starting in 2010, you’re going to start paying 11 cents more for your large cup of Tim’s coffee. And while paying 11 cents more for a cup of coffee might not seem like a big deal at the time, how much you’re actually going to pay starts to add up. Imagine if you’re buying five cups of coffee a week for a whole year — that adds an extra $28.60 a year to your spending.

The same goes for gas, haircuts, gym memberships, magazines and newspapers, cell phone, tv and internet bills and taxi fares.

So prepare your wallets, you’re about to get a little bit broker. For more stories about how the budget will affect you, turn to page 14. ***

You might notice that on the page opposite this one, there is what appears to be an almost, but not-quite issue of Now magazine. That’s right, it’s April Fools Day and the parody issue is back.

This year, the parody team, led by fun editor Leif Parker along with features editor Laura Blenkinsop and biz and tech editor Alex Hamlyn, takes on weekly Toronto hipster rag, Now Magazine. Look for the nudie ads in the back.

Whether or not we would even do a parody issue this year was the subject of much discussion among the masthead. Sometimes it can be nothing more than insider baseball, made up entirely of jokes that are only funny to journalists. But sometimes it can also be just plain hilarious. Which is why the parody is back this year, albeit in a scaled-down format.

Last year’s parody boasted the headline, ‘Bay Street suicides climb as world stock markets crumble.’ For a joke, it sure was a prescient headline.

What kind of insights will we come up with this year? See for yourself. Ow Magazine starts on page 5.

Do you want to be as happy as these people?

The Eyeopener — Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Letters Re: RU pissed off?

Video contest steeped in controversy Last week, The Eyeopener took my words out of context and used them to ignite a blame-game. For the record, I did say that the second place video was garbage, and I stand by that comment. However, it was part of a full sentence: “It was a garbage video but I respect the hard work they took to market it, so in the end, it’s all good.” Despite talking to Maiya for an hour (at her request), she decided to quote a snippet that had very little to do with our larger conversation. I wanted to applaud the contest and offer ideas for improvement.

Here was my point: The R U Ryerson contest had two stages. One was the video (the product) and the promotion of it (the marketing). There should be a balance between both but the contest favored marketing and popularity voting far more than producing good videos.

Good videos are not determined by production value but by being genuine and original.

Any kind of marketing was fine given the contest rules – I just wish some of the videos were better.

In future, address the real issue and avoid printing divisive stories.

— Tochukwu Osuji First-year RTA student

FREE PIZZA!

Then become an Eyeopener editor! Seriously, this is the best job you will ever have.

Speeches are April 2 at 7 p.m. at The Ram in the Rye. Anyone can run. Masthead, board members, staff and volunteers who have contributed six times can vote. Pick up nomination forms at the Eyeopener office — SCC 207.

Up for grabs: Editor-In-Chief (1); News (2); Associate News (1); Features (1); Biz and Tech (1); Arts and Life (2); Sports (1); Photo (2); Ass photo (1); Fun (1).

Eligible to vote: Amanda Cupido, Cam McMaster, Carys Mills, Chelsea Miya, Chris Dale, Erin Kjaer, Hilary Hagerman, James Rowberry, Kiera Toffelmire, Lauren Miele, Lauren Strapagiel, Liz Do, Raylene Knutson, Roman Khazin, Ryan Kent, Vanessa Greco, Adam Vrankulj, Brianne Price, Shirley Lin, Byeka, Drew Penner, Rodney Barnes, Sebastian Jug. If you think your name should be on the list, please come see Carla in the office. Voting takes place on Friday, April 3.

Come to the Eyeopener’s Annual General Meeting to hear how the paper did this year and score some free food.

Thursday, April 2, 4 p.m. in Oakham House, Room D

Eyeopener Masthead editor-in-chief carla “tower builder” wintersgill news julianna “unparty ready” cummins amit “lunchies” shilton associate news aleysha “wickedly seductive” haniff features laura “dance partner” blenkinsop business and technology alex “fuck chad” hamlyn arts and life josh “horrorscope” bailie shannon “surprised” higgins sports erin “breath of life” valois photo matt “don’t do it in the office” llewellyn jordan “got his hair did” roberts andrew “stealth vommer” williamson fun leif “parody svengali” parker radio greg “shania twain” hudson joe “mark mcgrath” yachimec online guru kerry “got a ring on it” wall general manager liane “poor kitten” mclarty advertising manager chris “casey’s again (sorry)” roberts design director ryan “hates the now” price contributors chris “chip and” dale avary “cow tipper” lovell stephen “hybrid green” baldwin rodney “gotta catch em all” barnes vincent “ebert &” mcdermott brianne “i haz an innie” price alexandra “hate” macaulay abdelwahab agata “anger” zieba noelle “pain” munaretto carys “fear” mills vanessa “chaos” greco shirley “darkness/lake devo beat” lin anthony “run plz” lopopolo hilary “17 again” hagerman interns marina “bibbity” stojkovic andy “boppity” ruffett jordan “boo” gardner Playing the role of the Annoying Talking Coffee Mug this week... Tom Izzo. Why do you drive your team to such heights? Whyyyyyyyyy?

The Eyeopener is Ryerson’s largest and independent student newspaper. It is owned and operated by Rye Eye Publishing Inc., a non-profit corporation owned by the students of Ryerson. Our offices are on the second floor of the Student Campus Centre and you can reach us at 416-979-5262 or www.theeyeopener.com.

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Page 17

black prez / whitehead

U.S. president Barack Obama’s visit to Canada earlier this month was interrupted by the advent of a large, robust pimple on the right side of his face.

Spectators who witnessed the pustule remarked on its hopeful glisten, and its near-bursting wonderfulness. One lucky visitor, after hugging the new president, ended up with a spattering of white fluid on her cheek which she attributed to, what some are calling, “sputters.”

Realitycheck

Spotted

The plan Connect City Hall’s two towers.

The big idea A rope-bridge made entirely of human hair. Hair donations currently begin accepted.

The danger Someone could trip, and then through accident, get their hair tangled with the fibres of the bridge, thereby making them co-mingle with it, and they will wake up at night screaming, bad dreams of trestled tresses mocking them... Mocking them!

4

A dog jumped into a pool last week at the Toronto Sportsmen’s show. All the major media outlets covered the event, and we felt a little sheepish that we at OW missed it. Apparently there was a splash when it hit the water.

the poll

Are children stupid?

I took my nephew to the zoo last week and he pointed at a giraffe and asked, “How come the horse has big legs?” This little moron got a horse and a giraffe confused. I asked my friends and 80% agreed with me, and the other one said she liked kids. She’s a fucking moron though.

Number of giants that have impaled themselves upon the new Royal Ontario Museum’s sharp architecture. Jolly Green still on the loose.

OVERHEARD

CN Tower elevator operator, Jessica Shamell, on tourists from British Columbia.

What can I say? People from the West Coast are the douchiest jerks to ever ride my

rocket. They smell like patchouli, and make comments about the city that would piss off a deaf monk.

I mean honestly, just look at where they come from. They

Letters

think because there are some trees where they live, they know how everything should be. Let me tell you something, they don’t know what it’s like to hustle on the streets.

GOOD WEEK >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Click the Start rectangle, or for Macs, the bar at the bottom called a Dock. Click either the Safari, Firefox or Internet Explorer widget. A big box will appear. Yay! owtoronto.com/poon

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< BAD WEEK FOR

newsfront

Online Extras

Perverts

Earth hour (a.k.a. Whose Hand Is That? hour) isn’t just great for the environment.

It provides a full 60 minutes of darkness ­— a perfect opportunity for wandering fingers.

Harper

Earth hour (a.k.a.

Is That Stephen’s Hand? hour) isn’t just great for the environment.

It provides a full 60 minutes of darkness ­— a perfect opportunity for wandering fingers.

Implants

Silicon breast augmentation implants, once in vogue in the 1990s, now occupy vast areas of worldwide landfill. In poorer neighbourhoods, local children have taken to playing kickball with the boobular detritus. Ole Ole!

the Junos ‘Nuff said.

Tattoo Artists

The line-ups are already forming across our wide country, as droves of 15 year olds and their mothers wait to get their Lightsinspired huge-ass back tats. Good $$, but bad art-karma.

Canada

Did we mention that Nickelback swept the Junos? Fuuuuck.

to the editor

Problem Solved

I was eating a fudgesicle last week because it was really hot out and I crave chocolate when I’m on the rag...anyway I hit stick and got a tongue splinter. That bitch hurt like hell, but damn was it worth it. My cramps disappeared almost instantly! My tongue got infected and now I can’t talk at all except for noises like “uguhghhhaaauh”.

Stephanie Meyer Toronto

RE:Fuzzy Lovin’

I think it’s completely reasonable for a grown man to sleep with a teddy bear. I currently live with my parents who happen to own a house built in the 1880s, and sleep in the basement. Sometimes at night I see ghosts, which is not unusual for a house of this vintage. My brother says that I need to grow up and stop playing World of Warcraft, but he’s just jealous that I leveled to 80 two days after Wrath of the Lich King 2 APRIL 1 2009 OW

came out. My bear’s name is Bruno, he has soft black fur and a supple leather jacket I bought for him at Build-a-Bear which, contrary to what you probably think, does not get in the way of our late night spooning. Bruno provides me with the comfort women deny me, my mother tells me I’m too good for them and that’s why I’ve never been able have a girlfriend. Bruno loves me and I love him, he just gets me and isn’t envious of all my halfnaked boarderline pedophilic anime wall-scrolls.

Alberto Cheung Brampton

Innie or Outie?

I was playing with my cat Checkers the other day and realized something quite disturbing — where is his belly button?! He has six nipples but there was no belly button to be seen. Did he just float around in his mother’s belly? How did he eat or breathe? Do dogs have belly buttons? I think there should be a feature focusing on

this very important problem. I would really like to know if all mammals have bellybuttons, or are humans just *that* superior?

Darla St. Clair North York

People call me a “fun guy”

I was on shrooms on Saturday with a close group of friends from my Philosophy of Big Pimpin’ class (PHL069). We were reading the newspaper and tripping balls in a forest when all of sudden we turned the page and saw an the image accompanying your feature “DIY Fantasy Art” which happened to be an elf (more gnome-ish, then LOTRish). This elf jumped off of the page, flipped us the bird, and released the biggest fart I’ve ever heard. I’ll never forget that day. I think I found God, so thanks I guess.

Park Leafer Scarborough

Just called to say :P

You know what I love more then life? Emoticons. There is nothing more post-modern than a

really good emoticon. When I’m chatting up all the hawt babes on MSN they always agree to put out after I send them an animated heart. My friends tell me that all the extra emoticons I’ve downloaded are spyware — they’re wrong. They just don’t know how to utilize emoticons to fulfill their highest potential. Your paper should look into writing about this fine art. Feel free to contact me ;) Gillian Blenkinface Toronto

Is this a code?

Stuck in newspaper factory,

send for help! Stuck in newspaper factory, send for help! Stuck in newspaper factory, send for help! Stuck in newspaper factory, send for help! Stuck in newspaper factory, send for help! Stuck in newspaper factory, send for help! Stuck in newspaper factory, send for help!

Frederick P. Q. Farnsworth Unknown Have something to say? Want to give us your thoughts? Just plain interested in using the English language? Send us a letter!

KEEPING IT GREEN Why Toronto needs to reinvent itself

Is Toronto’s green scene a lie?

OW investigates Toronto’s green initiatives and finds out we may be hurting the environment more than we think

BY NESPETH WINBLAD I was sent out to find the facts. To investigate the extent to which green living has become a part of Toronto’s culture and the standards that have been put in place to monitor it. I am perfect for this story. I became a victim of the green lifestyle at age 15, as well as the laws put in place to control it.

Now I haven’t written in years, but I consider myself an expert on living green. It wasn’t necessary to collect any extra information from the editors because, like I said, I’m an expert (just the fact that those degenerates wanted to centre their respectable tabloid on such an illicit subject was cause for distrust).

But as they were the ones paying me, I figured I’d at least listen to their suggestions on green-friendly events and locations to get me started.

Their first suggestion was to visit the Toronto Auto Show to find the

most innovative hybrids that will cross the market. I’ve never really been a fan of hybrids — I like to keep my green as pure and natural as possible — but I decided to indulge them.

When I first arrived at the Rogers Centre, I was even more confused about the Ow’s request. The crowd was full of balding, middle-aged men and their children — hardly the green enthusiasts that I was looking for. No problem though, it made my task that much more challenging.

An enthusiastic woman approached me out of nowhere. I had seen her before at the Ow office. “Hey, you’re Nespeth right? The new green living guy!”

The place was swarming with cops so I acted oblivious. “Green living?

What kind of rotten criminal do you think I am? I don’t go near that poison.” I motioned her with my eyes toward a secluded corner. “What’s wrong with you? Are you trying to blow my cover? I demand you tell me who sent you!”

ecoholic Q A

She staggered off without a reply, it was better that way.

I decided to sit through a hybrid presentation in the Toyota section that was headlined by a world-renowned Japanese scientist. I didn’t hear much of what was being said... hunger and fatigue were setting in.

Some nonsense was discussed about hybrids reducing air emissions and overall pollution.

I stood up and inquired, “But what if the hybrid’s unnatural components are poisonous or hallucinogenic to those inhaling them?” I had stumped him; it was as if he had no idea what I was talking about.

“Well...I uh...as long as no one gets too close to the exhaust pipe, I don’t think there’s anything to be concerned about.”

“Are you mad? If you can’t put your mouth on the pipe, what’s the fucking point?”

“Well...uh...I guess you’re...” He looked to one of his colleagues for help, and then walked off stage,

embarrassed. They must do things differently in Japan.

This wasn’t the right place for my investigation; the auto show crowd obviously had no legitimate knowledge of the subject. The experience did however clear out the cobwebs — my journalistic swagger was restored.

Ow’s next suggestion was to look into the International Earth Hour event. I had heard about this fantastic idea — 60 minutes in global darkness. Anyone living a green life would surely be out celebrating with a victory toke. I went to speak to the hippy potheads at WWF — a major Earth Hour promoter.

The lady I interviewed had no formal title, but I’m sure she was some sort of drug trade economist.

“Turning off the lights saves the environment, but it also saves money on electricity bills! Sometimes a strict green lifestyle that includes organic products and hybrid transportation can get expensive.” She seemed to

be knowledgeable on the subject at hand, especially as she implied her involvement in the trafficking — or transportation, as she put it — of hybrid cannabis.

“I know exactly what you mean,” I replied, “Buying raw green on a regular basis can get pricey. I’ve always tried to avoid the transporting though — it’s a dangerous business.”

“I guess... you never know which type to purchase, but when you find the right kind, it can be extremely rewarding to support Mother Earth.”

Who she meant by Mother Earth, I will never know. The point is that this woman was focused and confident.

I wanted that drive — that genuine perseverance that I saw in her eyes.

She embodied green living. I’ve made the arrangements and I will be purchasing a pound of a type of hybrid bud that I cannot disclose publicly.

(If you need to reach me, call now and ask for the Green Goblin — leave your name and number. Cash only.) nespeth@owtoronto.com

By Adria Vagisil

I have been researching the amount of methane emissions produced by cows. Should humans abolish cows? I mean, I’m a vegetarian and love animals but the only great passing of wind I’m willing to accept is from a wind turbine.

Yes, cows need to go. Cows produce a lot of gas — in fact, four per cent of our methane emissions. They may look innocent as they graze in the pastures, but don’t be fooled!

They are belching, tooting hellions.

So-called “experts” say that the carbon emissions from factories and cars are the leading causes of global warming. Dig a little deeper and you’ll see who’s actually responsible.

Don’t feel guilty letting your Chevy idle. The real culprit — cows.

And you say you are a vegetarian?

This is no good. We need to be killing off cows, not saving them. The truth is that the world and all its life forms are in grave danger because of these beasts.

Eat a steak for God’s sake. In fact — Greenpeace plans to hold a rally

at McDonald’s later this month to fight this pressing issue that is at the forefront of all environmental concerns.

The rally will take place at the Queen Street West McDonald’s. Greenpeace expects over a thousand people to turn up at the restaurant to protest cows and show their support by eating as many burgers as humanly possible. And for this day only, McDonald’s will be serving 100 per cent beef patties. That should put a hefty dent in the bloated bovine population.

McDonald’s has not confirmed why they are hosting the rally. There is speculation that they are interested in a new marketing angle focusing on the environment. The chain has already made positive steps to get rid of cattle. By supporting factory farming, they are helping to efficiently

raze these grazers.

Of course, Greenpeace will close the rally with some conventional eco-terrorism. After filling up on beef, organizers will lead protesters to Kensington Market to throw patties at vegetarians.

And yes, with this movement we can expect cows to become endangered. But we can’t get complacent.

We can’t stop until they are extinct.

It’s the price we have to pay to save our divine earth and all its species.

Got a question?

Send your green queries to ecoholic@owtoronto.com

Get your Ecoholic fix

Adria Vagisil’s essential guide to saving the planet. Seriously. It’s in stores RIGHT NOW!

OW APRIL 1 2009 3

disc reviews

Doom Pop

leiderhosen are great once in awhile, but sometimes it’s just not enough to sustain a 19-song album.

KK

Modern Folk

disc of the week

3 SONG SAMPLER Equal Time In

Physics Classrooms (Recorditrus) Rating: OWOWOWO This album is so heavy sometimes I’m worried that by playing it on my stereo, my bookshelf is gonna crack apart and fall down.

It’s heavy like a lead bowling ball filled with cement. Ten thousand guitars pile up over 5,000 basses while a 1,000 drummers smack snares and pummel bass drums.

This unbelievable heaviness is exactly what you’d expect from these veteran sludge-core rockers, but still the question remains: if you scream in a hurricane, will anyone see your SXSW show?

CAL CLUTTERBUCK

Indie Euro-pop

Hip-Hop BIOCHRONOLOGY Always Wanted

To Do (Sweet Beats) Rating: OWOWOWOWOW If there’s one thing people in Scarborough know how to do, it’s be gangster.

Ergo, they can also rap up a storm when need be. And Scarborough’s favourite son Biochronology doesn’t disappoint. Spinning more rhymes

Grindcore/Polka

MORITPLATZ Frozen Music (Ice Flow)

Rating: OWOWOW The newest example of the burgeoning Antarctic krautrock/electro-pop scene, Frozen Music is Moritplatz’s third EP. As a band, Moritplatz is well known

4 APRIL 1 2009 OW

than a lazy susan, and innocent till his guilt is proven, Biochrons loves his phat beats and his steady rocking rhymes. At the same time, he promotes the social conscience so sorely lacking from most mainstream rap.

With production help from Doghouze and Seven UP, Always Wanted To Do is the Rap album of the year. for their subtle use of bog noises. The summer hit track off their last disc, “The Blob”, followed a Norwegian folk monster, Joorgg de Muunch, in his hunt for children to eat. It hit number one on the dance charts and it’s easy to see why: Hammering drums and found sounds mesh seamlessly with the soaring accordion melody to create the ultimate natural club banger.

The ice-cold synth sounds on Frozen Music are definitely enticing, but Moritplatz doesn’t seem to be doing anything that hasn’t been done before. It seems that they’re trying to play it middle of the road to try and win over a larger audience. Songs like “Snow Drifts” and “Dance with Me (I’m Frostbitten)” sound like they should be hitting the radio anytime soon, but don’t make any great strides.

KARL KLOPWEITZ

EDWARD J. BERMINGHAM What Life PROVINCES OF TAJIKISTAN All Time

Is Unredeemable (Hi-Lo Tron) Rating: OW On Provinces of Tajikistan’s (POT) disappointing follow up to last year’s fantastically awesome “Fatal Tide,” these Montrealers traded in their broken car horn leads for actual guitars.

Big mistake.

The result is a 16-song mess of an album. Singer Dirk McGurt’s spectreish vocals sound anchorless and lost, especially on their first single, “Prince Hotohiko and me.” McGurt says in the liner notes that the album was heavily influenced by The Wire Season 2, Jackson Pollack paintings, the letter P and the works of Joseph Conrad, post Heart of Darkness. But we just don’t hear it.

Still, POT needs some props for the muscular melodies and rad drum thingies on the disc closer, “Seasoned Lovers.” It reminds us of some hybrid of Husker Du and Boney M, with a little Brian Wilson thrown in.

JOHN CUST

Classic Folk

1991 BELGIAN GRAND PRIX Some-

thing More To Say (Deutsche von Grammaphondia) Rating: OWOW Oh 1991 Belgian Grand Prix what are we going to do about you? You claim to have something more to say, but it’s all been said before.

This 21-member band from the town of Maple Ridge in British Columbia has baffled and intrigued fans equally with their symphonic live shows and strange European fetishism. I’m not trying to be racist, but do we really need three songs sung in French, two in Spanish, four in Swedish and even a Russian number (the horribly titled “In Soviet Belgium, Song Writes You”)?

A variety of funny accents and stage shows involving accordion duels and

OLAF WESMANN-KJAER

Start A Conversation (Monolithic) Rating: OWOWOWOWO A 21st century Metal Machine Music.

Five stars. Go buy it now and get an extra copy to carry around with you just to show your friends how awesome you are. Do it.

CC

Is All About (Miserable Records) Rating: OWOWOWOW Holy shit this disc is friggin’ awesome.

Like man, you’ve got to hear this. It’s like nothing Edward J. Bermingham’s ever done before. The title track is like something you’d hear in a soundtrack to some wicked Oscar-winning movie.

It’s that good!

KK

Folk-hop/Drone

SAMUEL DIBBLE So I Trust Too (Desert

Sounds) Rating: OWOWO Does anybody else remember the days when Samuel Dibble put out music that made you want to set fire to the T.O. skyline and dance in the flames?

So I Trust Too sounds like a generic, proto-folk, drone-funk album, which would be OK if this wasn’t released by the man who invented the genre.

The opening track, “:P”, seems promising: Dibble mashes kettle drums and handclaps with subway sounds. But the song goes downhill once this L.A. legend gets to the chorus. “It’s raining in London / And our hearts start to rust.” And his cover of Beyonce’s “All the Single Ladies” isn’t ironic at all — it’s just bad.

But we can’t hate on this release too much. After all, this is the man who brought us The Hopeful Holocaust and The Extended Play EP. We just hope his next outing is better than this woe-isme love shit.

JC

movies

first-run • dvd • rep cinemas • home videos • straight-to-video JUNIOR (Ivan Reitman). Released in

1994. 109 minutes Rating: OWOWOWO Many years ago, Hollywood asked what would happen if a man was pregnant. Thus came Junior.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is taken down a few masculine notches, when he voluntarily becomes pregnant in an experiment.

As Schwarzeneger’s body transforms so does the film, morphing from a buddy-comedy into a statement about women’s rights. Schwarzenegger’s most powerful scene is when he proudly proclaims “my body, my choice!” He then hurls a man, who is clearly insensitive to women controlling their bodies, into a wall.

Like Donnie Darko, Junior provokes viewers into asking questions about the human condition, and is popular with philosophy students.

Five Cinema

Classics

Now that Oscar fever is a thing of the past, it’s time to appreciate some of the staples of modern film. Prepare to get educated

ERNEST GOES TO JAIL (Paul Michael

Glaser). Released in 1990. 81 minutes Rating: OWOWOWOWOW Comedy legend Jim Varney is no longer with us, but this masterpiece is his immortal legacy. Ernest Goes to Jail is the real-life documentary shadowing Varney’s legal problems in the mid1990s.

A camera crew in San Quentin prison covertly followed Varney, who renamed himself Ernest P. Worrell. Varney feared prisoners would hold him hostage if they knew a powerful, respected celebrity was in their midst.

The film bombed financially and critically, due to a controversial fight scene in the prison weight room. Audiences in 1990 simply were not ready to watch Varney strangle a skinhead with a jump rope.

The unidentified skinhead was not the film’s only victim: Varney’s comedic career died as well. But 19 years later, the film has gained cult status amongst stoners.

KAZAAM (Paul Michael Glaser). Re-

GYMKATA (Robert Clouse). Released in

1985. 90 minutes Rating: OWOWOWOW Possibly the ultimate action/gymnastic/ninja movie, Gymkata is undoubtedly one of the most underrated movies of all time.

Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast Kurt Thomas displays undeniably natural and powerful acting skills in the lead role. Combining martial arts and gymnastics in a form known as Gymkata, Thomas kicks, flips and dismounts

his way over the opposition in the hopes of beating “The Game.” A deadly blood sport, winning “The Game” is the only way the U.S. can install a satellite monitoring station in a middle eastern country. The entire film plays as an allegory of the cold war; the rigidity of Soviet communism is put to the test

by Thomas’s capitalist flexibility, and in the end, defeated. Minimal special effects and a lack of big name actors helps to create a sense of unparalleled realism.

BATTLEFIELD: EARTH (Roger Chris-

leased in 1996. 93 minutes Rating: OWOWOW Basketball star Shaquille O’Neill victoriously leaps off the court and into the silver screen in Kazaam. The heartwarming family comedy stars Shaq as a rapping genie living in a boombox.

After thousands of years, a talented rapping white kid sets Shaq free from his magic boombox. The two embark on an adventure through America’s rap culture, where the true meaning of friendship is learned.

Shaq’s dope rap skillz, Oscar-worthy acting and insightful wisdom drive the film’s enduring popularity and the school of philosophy born from it.

tian). Released in 2000. 118 minutes Rating: OWOWOWOWOW Battlefield: Earth, also known as “that movie Spielberg wishes he made,” is a sci-fi pioneer. Starring the crazy religious sniper from Saving Private Ryan, this is a saga chronicling humans rising against alien tyrants. Themes common to the war on terror are made with disturbing precision in this political thriller.

The touching ending, often reducing viewers to tears, is the film’s definite highlight. Adored by nerds everywhere, the brilliant creators of Battlefield: Earth later went on to make sci-fi hits like Star Trek: Insurrection and the Star Wars prequel trilogy.

technologic gadgets

Floppy Disk > All OW rides the cutting edge with the latest gadgets S0 there’s this new inventi0n 0n the bl0ck 4nd it’s c4lled 4 fl0ppy disk. It is s0 4dv4nced th4t c0mputers d0n’t even h4ve c0mp4tible drives f0r this f0rm 0f techn0l0gy.

0nly l33t hax0rs c4n get ah0ld 0f this h0t new item.

First 0f 4ll, there’s s0mething pretty ph4llic 4b0ut the fl0ppy disk. It’s thin, it’s squ4re 4nd it c4n even h0ld 21MB. In n0 time, y0u’ll be whispering f0r y0ur w0rk crush t0 insert his fl0ppy disk int0 y0ur 0pening.

4nd it c4n be pretty useful when y0u w4nt t0 s4ve 4 d0cument 0r

tw0. I d0n’t w4nt t0 h4ve the 4bility t0 c4rry s0ngs 0r high res0luti0n ph0t0s — I w4nt my st0r4ge device t0 h0ld my c4t p0etry 4nd n0thing m0re.

When I’m s4ving d0cuments, I gener4lly h4ve 4 l0t 0f time t0 sp4re. It’s s0 rel4xing — the m4kers decided t0 give the fl0ppy disk 4 sl0w upl04d speed. S0 y0u c4n g0 t0 the b4thr00m, w4tch the news, m4ke dinner, d0 the l4undry, w4sh the kitchen fl00r, m4ke l0ve t0 y0ur p4rtner 4nd c0me b4ck t0 find y0ur upl04ded English ess4y. L04ding 30 t0 70KB per sec0nd helps me get

w0rk d0ne 4r0und the h0use.

M4ny pe0ple c0mpl4in about society m0ving t00 quickly f0r them t0 keep up. Everyd4y you have m0re things you need t0 buy, m0re bills y0u need to p4y, m0re b4bies y0u need t0 feed. Th4t’s n0t f4ir for the m0dern pers0n, s0 y0u need t0 get ar0und this pr0blem 0n y0ur 0wn. You m4y have heard of sl0w f00d, where rest4urants g0 0ut 0f their way t0 0ffer he4lthy, well made f00d th4t t4kes time. Think 0f the fl0ppy disk 4s the first step int0 the w0rld 0f sl0w techn0l0gy.

4fter this fl0ppy device picks up p0pularity, I w0uldn’t be surprised t0 see things like 4 printer th4t m0ves sl0wly and m4kes 4 l0t 0f s0und 0r just 4 b4ll instead 0f 4 m0use.

The fl0ppy disk is 0ne t0 w4tch.

Y0u re4d it here first.

OW APRIL 1 2009 5

trend

of the week

Chest hair

Say goodbye to the mustache — there’s a new sheriff in town

By B. Ody Hair

The newest trend in the hipster world is girls with mustaches. From Fu Manchus to the Hitler, women all over are rocking mad facial hair. Is this the best the fashionistas can do? Why don’t lady hipsters grow some balls and do something really controversial: chest hair is what’s up.

6 APRIL 1 2009 OW

First of all, those low-cut V-neck t-shirts from American Apparel are hot right now. You know what isn’t cool? Showing your face. Why don’t you work with what you’re already exposing — get the most out of your deep-V tee with some rad chest hair. You can go for curls, make it any colour you want or shave it in patches. Spell your name! Spell your boyfriend’s name!

The mustache is such a small canvas, there is little room for creativity.

And when you go to the beach you really need to show off your hipster ways. The

mustache won’t get it done.

You can’t even see it from a distance. With a chest mane you are like a beacon of trendy hair just waiting to be seen by the masses. People will start asking if the carpet matches the drapes.

There are also many older women in society who sport facial hair. Looking like your grandma is not cool. There is a reason we call it the past.

Wearing an old person sweater and knitting your own socks is so 1999. Do not fall into their trap of bad style.

There is an argument that the lady hipster mustache is

ironic. Having a penis is ironic, having facial hair just makes you look messy. But chest hair is the essence of grace — think back to the 1970s. Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds and even Farrah Fawcett sported the chest rug.

It’s best when your partner’s fingers get snagged in your curly mane. It’s just so sensual.

The upkeep of mustaches is just too much. I mean sure, your mustache can be a smorgasbord of delight throughout the day, catching the bits of cuisine your mouth missed.

But think of all the food you can hold with your chest hair.

That’s at least breakfast, lunch

and dinner for three days. You can save money on groceries and spend it on those Ray-Bans you wanted from Queen West.

You’re shielded from the sun, sporting a trendy chest mane and you have a snack for later.

Delicious.

So stop being silly and shave your upper lip. You will be on the cutting edge if you slap a little hair on your chest. Be creative — this is your time to shine. Embrace your curly (or straight) roots and get in the hair game. This is the best decision of your life and it will catapult you to ultimate hipsterdom.

life&style

althealth

Vegging out

Will adding more produce to your diet help fight cancer? By ELIZABETH BROMWORTH For a healthy mind and body vegetables are the key to a long and happy life.

Try to mix and match the colours because different hues of veggies and fruits all have different nutrients.

A handful of red grapes,

paired with a few carrots and a banana can fight off every health problem known to man.

But is this age old tradition of eating produce really all it’s cracked up to be? Where did this idea get its roots?

What the experts say “I don’t think vegetables are helpful at all. Leeches are the key to fighting off any form of disease. Once, I was attacked by a shark. My arm was falling off so I ate three or four leeches. Miraculously, my wounds healed in an instant and the shark lost all its teeth.

I don’t think there could be more proof about the value of leeches. Vegetables rot your internal organs. This is the worst idea ever.”

JENNIFER DARTSCHMAN, nutritionist and shark enthusiast “You’ve probably seen the Magic School Bus, you know the one where Arnold eats a lot of carrots and turns orange. This is actually all the rage in Paris right now. I

recommend only eating one colour of vegetable all the time. Think of your skin tone —for example, blondes should go for a purple hue and eat grapes and eggplant. All the time. I hear green skin is going to be in for next fall.”

DR.PHILIP SHARTOWN, naturopathic doctor “I think eating vegetables is very important, but they need to be genetically modified vegetables. The best produce is produce that tastes like other produce — you know?

So for maximum health benefits, corn should taste like zucchini and broccoli should taste like apples. It brings confusion to life. That’s healthy — conflict resolution

astrology freewill

by Rob Breezy

Aries Mar 21 Apr 19 Your closeness with Eggy the Ram is a cause for concern. Nonetheless, take charge like you both usually do, but be coy, for coyness is the nucleus of efficiency. Do this so you may embrace the heartfelt resonance of the Spring Equinox. Your energy will flourish like the flower and times will be high like the weed.

Taurus Apr 20 May 20 Taurus, be mindful of many things, for they may be forthcoming: oil changes, dripping faucets, paper cuts, April showers and May flowers, checkmates, stalemates, hookers and blow, compost mishaps, malt vinegar, coconut curry, alliteration, post-modernism. To be prepared, also be mindful of your past; please don’t forget that you were once a shitty Ford car.

Gemini May 21 June 20 This is a particularly tense time because of

upcoming decisions; your yin and yang have actually been sleeping in separate beds. Nothing can reconcile your parts like romance, young, sensual Gemini. See a show or play with some kittens. It won’t solve your problems, but it will be nice.

cancer Jun 21 July 22 Your topsyturvy love life is that of a toaster strudel: one side is dry and flaky, but the other is decadent and endearing. Luckily, you realize that no matter what route you take, there will be delicious results. The only problem is that it’s not long before it’s all eaten up. But fear not, for there is always tomorrow, and therefore there is always another breakfast.

leo Jul 23 Aug 22 People often tell you “what will be will be, and so it goes,” but you just get mad at them for quoting Jack Johnson lyrics. You know that fiddlers can

food&drink hungry? Forget it!!!!

McDONALDS (441 Queen West, at Shaw, 416-777-3232) Complete dinners for $8-9, per person, no tip.

Average main $6/$8. Open every day from 7am to 10pm. Not licensed. Access: Wheelchair ramp.

Rating : OW

IMPECCABLE SERVICE IS AN ART that takes thought, preparation and love, and in these three regards, McDonald’s is a complete and utter failure.

When I had first heard of this new restaurant moving into my neighbourhood, I was pleasantly excited. What a quaintly Scot-

and all that jazz is good for the mind.”

LEE, spiritual advisor “Vegetables are great and it is important to mix and match in order to get enough nutrients. However, it is key

04 05

2009 become violinists and bushes can bring cherry blossoms, or Obama.

Remain strong-willed, even on rainy days, but do your research and know who to encourage, or the rain may get worse and cause flooding. Nobody wants to be Manitoba.

virgo Aug 23 Sep 22 Your conservative ways made you hesitant towards Earth Day, especially because of your belief in the stars, which are obviously superior.

However, you’ll find the status quo you cherish will soon be history. So start getting used to lighting some candles Virgo, because Earth Day will become your everyday. Just be careful, because everyone wants a Virgo who is ready to turn the lights off.

libra Sep 23 Oct 22 Upon your

that you do not wash the vegetables. In fact, after you’re done bleaching the floor or spraying your backyard for weeds — simply gather all the vegetables you want to eat for dinner and roll them around in the chemicals. Make sure

the toxins stick to the produce because this is the best way to fight disease. Chemical warfare is actually the newest concept in illness prevention. I find arsenic is the best way to keep the common cold away.”

to compromise has hurt more than it has helped. Sometimes you need to do the dirty work you loathe to achieve the fruitful days you love.

Only then will it be justified for you to bask in the approval you hunger for. But like always, Libra, keep it peaceful: A hungry hippo wins by using its mouth.

most serious of us, Capricorn. Don’t feel awkward if it makes you feel a little out of character — it happens to everyone. Assess your health because you’re coming out of a demanding season, for you and for nature. Seriously, Neptune thinks you might have a cyst.

scorpio Oct 23 Nov 21 Your skill with money has been the cause for some relaxation, but even the flyest hustlas have 99 problems.

There are other issues afoot that will need your undivided attention, and they aren’t as obvious as they may appear. This isn’t as simple as east coast versus west coast, playa.

sagittarius Nov 22 Dec 21 You really don’t have the time to be promiscuous right now. You may want to get back at someone, but success is measured by what you do with your life, not just your loins. Take inventory of what else your life needs, and before you know it, that cheating scumbag you used to love will fade from memory. That lying asshole.

aquarius Jan 20 Feb 18 As a water carrier, the spills that April showers will bring may make you uneasy. Just remember, it’s not so bad. It’s not like the days when you used to wet the bed. But even those days have passed. Your parents won’t look at you with disappointment, you won’t feel ashamed and most importantly, there won’t be any stains. April’s actually a big relief now, isn’t it?

pisces Feb 19 Mar 20 That rat that’s been bugging you is actually a mouse, so use your imagination so you can bring it out of the sewers and into a cute cage. After this, you will no longer be preoccupied by this stress and you can get back to what matters: eating pie.

Homework: Write a haiku about a struggle in your

own analysis, you’ve realized your aversion to conflict and willingness

Capricorn Dec 22 Jan 19 A new

life that you wouldn’t have overcome if it weren’t for

spring sun can penetrate even the

your mom. Share with me FreeWillAstrology.com

tish name, I thought, envisioning a lightly sauteed haggis fillet, topped with Alabaster roe, and drizzled in a basil beer sauce. I was to be sorely disappointed.

McDonalds is, in fact, a cultural impostor of the most despicable

variety. Under the guise of a enchanting yellow and red wonderland, this establishment left me cold and hungry.

In actuality, we didn’t even get served. The waiters, all in charming, matching uniforms,

seemed content to stay behind their long ‘maître d’ counter, and occasionally clear tables near to us. None responded to our entreaties.

After a full 15 minutes, we had still not had someone come over to even offer us water. So very hungry, I gorged myself on small half-deflated packets of a red sauce that were laying around. I don’t remember much after that.

My pants got wet.

OW APRIL 1 2009 7

Sheldon Levy’s lookin for love. Call 1800-levyluv

Missionary Position

By Dan Missionary

I AM A YOUNG CHRISTIAN MALE IN the rural Republican midwest. I attend church on Wednesday and Sunday; I am also a youth church leader. I understand that I must marry before procreation is allowed and that it is my duty to both preach Christ’s word and produce children to do the same. My Mother has explained the basic facts of life and hygiene to me, and I understand that I must touch “it” only for cleaning and urinating. For most of my 42 years everything has gone swimmingly. However, a few months ago a slight mishap occurred. My sainted Mother left a Simpson’s catalogue in the bathroom.

While perusing its pages I encountered the Ladies’ undergarments page. Having no understanding of what I was reading, I continued to flick through pages of foundation garments and felt a strange tingly sensation. I asked Mother what to do, and we agreed that I would apply a clothespin to “down there”. This works at home, however, in the weeks following the incident the sight of any ladies also produces the tingly sensation. I have tried to use the clothespin trick but it falls off too frequently. What can I do?

Previously Reserved Unfortunate Deviant Experience

8 APRIL 1 2009 OW

Your Mother sounds like a fine and capable woman, PRUDE. You, however need to go to a serious professional. My advice to you PRUDE is to seek out your Church Minister and seek his advice. If you are too embarrassed to speak to your Minister, PRUDE, then I suggest the flagellation route. Your Mother, true to her piety, will of course be willing to administer the lashes. While a cat-onine-tails can be effective, I also recommend salting the wounds afterward.

Remember to pray to your Saviour for forgiveness. If that doesn’t work, perhaps asking your Mother to model her foundation garments would shock your system back into compliance. I’m praying for you PRUDE. AFTER 40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, MY husband left this world and went to our Creator. After three years of widowhood, I met a man in my church group and we started “stepping out.”

We dated for several years and have become affianced. Even though he was previously a Methodist (a loose people) he has been a High Anglican for several years now and sincerely seems to repent of his time in the Methodist church. I fear however that his time with those people may have loosened his morals.

He is not only suggesting that now that we’re engaged to be married that “marital relations” are appropriate, but also that we can experiment! He believes that we should engage in a position other than the one that our dear Christian missionaries deemed the one true way. While I can (barely) reconcile myself to the thought of engaging in my wifely duties and have received sanction from our minister — I cannot find it in my soul to be engaging in nefarious positions. What should I do?

Gracious Refined Immaculate Matron I’m coming with my horsewhip, GRIM. This scoundrel is clearly leading you down Satan’s path. The missionary position is the ONLY position acceptable to our Lord and Saviour. Marital relations prior to marriage are not acceptable. The Devil’s fire will burn your soul in hell. Your Minister is clearly playing the devil’s cat-paw in tempting you off the one true path. You need to flee that church and flee that man post-haste.

In fact, GRIM, I think your only avenue to salvation is to join the nunnery. I understand that “Our Sisters of Perpetual Frustration” always has openings. I really suggest you lock yourself away and form a permanent union with God.

I LIKE TO DO IT! I LIKE TO DO MEN, I LIKE to do women. I have an inkling that other mammals might be fine and I’m going to do them too!

Supremely Luscious Untrammeled Tart You are going to STRAIGHT TO HELL! Straight to hell, SLUT that is where you deserve to spend eternity. I cannot tell from your odious missive if you are male or female. It doesn’t matter because the Devil already owns your worm rotted soul. You will be struck by lightening!

The incineration will start purifying the earth that you befoul with your slime laden soul. God is coming for you and will soon take you down before you can infect others with your rapacious hedonism. You will be punished, you are doomed! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Your soul will writhe in a grotesque dance of doom. You have been judged, SLUT, and you have been found wanting. What are you doing this weekend?

Do something good for your soul and download the Missionary positioncast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thesavior.com/missionary Send your Missionary Position questions to mail@missionaryposition.net

NEWS

The Eyeopener — Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Are we growing beyond our means? by julianna cummins news editor

While Ryerson may be getting a boost from the provincial budget, expanding the university and maintaining a high quality of education may not go hand-in-hand.

Last Thursday’s budget will give Ontario universities $150 million of one-time money to help ease funding shortfalls that have led to hiring freezes and smaller staff at some campuses.

Even with some operating budget relief, Ryerson still has 70,000 applicants vying for 5,000 first-year spots, according to Charmaine Hack, the director of admissions at Ryerson. While Ryerson President Sheldon Levy said that he would like to keep the university accessible, the school cannot expand

We can’t open the doors so wide that we reduce the quality of education for everyone.

— President Sheldon Levy

beyond its teaching capabilities.

“We can’t open the doors so wide that we reduce the quality of education for everyone,” said Levy.

Concerns about educational standards for students is not only a Ryerson worry. A survey released by the Ontario Confederation of University Faculty Association last week revealed

that the calibre of education in Ontario universities has seen a decline in the last three years.

Toronto universities have it worse because of increased class sizes and hiring freezes. Of the 2,000 faculty members interviewed across 20 universities, 40 per cent said that Ontario’s campuses are worse off today than they were in 2005.

A report released by the Canadian Council on Learning cites the National Survey of Student Engagement to show that Canadian universities trail U.S. schools in student and faculty interaction.

Alan Shepard, provost and VP academic, said that a hiring slowdown continues at Ryerson, although the anticipated budget money has authorized the hiring of some new positions, particularly in the school of occupational and public health.

“And if you were to look at their quality indicators... what you would see is that in the university, they have one of the most stressed student to teacher ratio across campus,” said Shepard in a presentation to the Board of Governors on March 30.

Duncan MacLellan, a politics professor at Ryerson, said he applauds the government’s move.

“If we’re looking at increasing enrollment we also need increased capacity, we need additional buildings and support services for students over the long term,” he said.

— with files from Shirley Lin

Page 13

>> Earth Hour FAIL

Ryerson turned off some lights for Earth Hour, but the overall impression looked half-assed. Lame. photo: jordan roberts

CESAR study space cleared for computers A study space for continuing education students has been eliminated after renovations in the Continuing Education Students’ Association of Ryerson offices over the winter break.

“Mostly full-time students were using them,” said Mohammad Ali Aumeer, CESAR’s VP programming and outreach. “Continuing education students weren’t making use of it.”

The eliminated study space included a few computers, tables and sofa chairs. The renovations came from the CESAR budget, and the space is now a

reception area with two computers.

“I was shocked that it’s been removed. It’s hard enough to seek out tranquil study space as it is, so the decision leaves me incredulous,” said Adam Dmytriw, a fourth-year biology student. “Non-continuing education students were also using the lounge.

Heaven forbid. We’re spending money on potentially less study space.”

But Toby Whitfield, the RSU’s VP finance, plans on building a study space in the SCC for all students.

“I’m looking for a similar space (as

the CESAR offices) where we could put four or five computers, desks and a lounge, even though it’ll be smaller,” he said said.

Whitfield said CESAR will be donating the computers they got rid of to the new lab when it’s complete, which he hopes will be by September.

His main goal is to improve student study space on campus. “We have a lot of space. If we could spend some money, and make really good study spaces, that’d be wicked.”

— Agata Zieba

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NEWS

Page 14

The Eyeopener — Wednesday, April 1, 2009

>> Quick Hits

The budget breakdown

Ryerson student’s murderer convicted

A quick guide to Ontario’s budget for the mathematically disinclined

Arssei Hindessa was found guilty of son hospitality and tourism student in second-degree murder in the case of 2006 when she was killed.

Natalie Novak. Novak, 20, was a Ryer— Julianna Cummins

Sweet treat for Board of Governors The Board of Governors received a sweet treat at their meeting March 30 after the Split Fees campaign surprised them with banana splits, complete with whipped cream.

The campaigners set up outside the board room on the 14th floor of Jorgenson Hall, holding a banner and explaining their objectives to the people who wandered in for their meeting “We want to be as sweet about this as possible,” said Cassandra Thompson, a first-year sociology student.

The group wants Ryerson administration to split tuition fees evenly over the Fall and Winter semesters with no

financial penalty to students.

Currently, Ryerson president Sheldon Levy favours a system that would allow students to split fees between semesters but charge a deferral fee of roughly $70 for the privilege.

Levy said a motion to split fees will be brought before the board of governors the next time they meet.

Rebecca Rose, Ryerson Students’ Union VP education, said they chose to act now because the budget will be decided at the next meeting.

“We wanted people to have time to juggle the numbers,” said Rose.

— Aleysha Haniff

New Dean for Chang School Gervan Fearon will start his new job as dean of the G. Raymond Chang School of Continuing Education this July.

Taking over from interim dean Julia Hanigsberg, Fearon comes to Ryerson from the Atkinson Faculty of Liberal and Professional Studies at York University where he held the position of Associate Dean (Academics).

In the past, the award-winning Fearon has taught part-time through Ryerson’s continuing education

school.

Outside of academia, Fearon is the president of Tropicana Community Services, a United Way organization that helps new immigrants.

Fearon’s appointment lasts five years starting July 1, and comes with an associate professor position in economics.

The search for a new dean lasted approximately six months and there were about 200 applicants for the job, said Hanigsberg.

— Aleysha Haniff

What the budget means for your wallet

Why Ryerson will still need an extra cash infusion

How the budget can help students get jobs

Starting 2010, the provincial government’s new tax harmonization policy fuses GST and PST. You get slammed with a 13 per cent tax, even on goods and services that were PST exempt.

Ryerson University will be getting millions of dollars from the provincial budget, but it may not be enough to support the cost of inflation year after year, according to Ryerson president Sheldon Levy.

“If you’re growing and you expect government to pay for the inflationary but also pay for the additional students...often governments don’t have enough money to do it,” said Levy.

Funding for inflation problems can be made worse by an increasing student population, as is the case with Ryerson.

“They’ll pay for the additional students, but will essentially tell you to pay for the inflationary costs yourself,” said Levy.

Ryerson is expecting to receive between $5 to $6 million from the government in a one-time installment at the end the year, that will go towards immediate relief of operating budget shortfalls and increasing enrollment.

The university should also be receiving $3 to $4 million in the 2009-2010 budget year, which will be base money that will increase with each year, said Levy.

Plus, Ryerson be receiving a yet-tobe-determined slice of the $780 million allocated for infrastructure projects on campus.

— Julianna Cummins

The provincial government is lending a hand to students, promising to create 100,000 summer jobs through $90 million worth of programs and initiatives.

About $10 million will help youth in high-needs communities find jobs, while another $1 million will go to helping youth to start their own business. Money will also go towards tax credits to employers for hiring more students and creating more co-op placements and apprentices.

Ryerson’s Career and Development Employment Centre is already seeing a huge demand for their services, said Ian Ingles, a coordinator at the centre.

“It’s always good news when they put resources towards students,” said Ingles, although he does not know if the career centre will receive any additional funding from the provincial budget.

Your Timmy’s fix Before: $1.42 for a large.

Now: $0.11 more per cup, meaning an extra $28.60 a year if you buy five a week

Your gym membership Before: $50/month Now: $4 more a month, for a whopping $48 more a year to keep fit

Your cell phone Before: $45/month Now: An extra $3.60 a month, costing you $43.20 a year to maintain your social life

— Shirley Lin

It’s always good news when they put resources towards students.—Ian Ingles, Ryerson Career and Development Employment Centre coordinator

SPORTS

The Eyeopener — Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Page 15

Packed stands secret to athletic success A new study suggests Ryerson teams need sideline support to reach championship status. Anthony Lopopolo reports Ali McComb knows how it feels to have a surge of energy in the middle of a game.

As a third-year interior design student playing for the women’s volleyball team at Ryerson, she often found extra encouragement from her parents on the sidelines.

Despite living in Ottawa, the McCombs appeared at most of the team’s home games.

It became a weekly routine, a practice simply driven by the notion of witnessing their daughter play.

“When family come to watch you play, of course there’s some motivation,” she said. “It gives you something else to play for, to kind of play for the moment.”

A new study by the University of Exeter in Britain suggested the empty seats at Ryerson games could be the downfall of varsity athletics at the university. Although student fees include free admission to varsity games, attendance is usually sparse.

The study said social support from peers, teachers, friends and family can all contribute to an increase in athletic performance in stressful situations.

Although the original assessment was based on golfers’ level of support, Tim Rees, the lead author of the study, said all sports can be considered in the same vein — even more so with university students.

“University athletes are under pressure when they compete. They also have concerns over maintaining their scholarships and their places on the university teams and so on,” Rees said in an email.

“The support they receive can play a

Women’s hockey The women’s hockey team tied their final game of the season against the Newtonbrook Panthers 2907 on March 29 at the Ice Gardens at York University.

And after a loss to the Toronto

massive role in increasing their sense of self-confidence, thus helping to at least prevent them from suffering the potentially negative influences of stress.”

But Rees said a rise in performance cannot be solely attributed to support from the bleachers.

Informational and tangible encouragement can also spur positive influences, whether it is constructive criticism or other forms of encouragement.

“In our study, it was those with the lowest levels of support who suffered the most in terms of poor performance,” he said.

“Those with high levels of support maintained performance levels as a result of the increased confidence brought about by the support.”

Ivan Joseph, Ryerson’s director of athletics, agreed with Rees’ observations. But Joseph, who is working on

on the number of connections that they make at the university.”

Academic life is affected by a systemic support system, Joseph said, as it coincides with levels of “student engagement,” a principle he preaches to many of the students that come across his path. Any type of social backing can make an educational environment seem much more comfortable.

“One of the things to look for when you come to a big city like Toronto and big university is that there are a bunch of things students need to learn how to navigate: How do you drop a class?

How do you add a class? Who are the best professors? What time should you take a class? With all these little things, there really is no formal rule book,” Joseph said.

“Some of these things are cast around word-to-word ... and you need to have

University athletes are under pressure when they compete... The support they receive can play a massive role in increasing their sense of selfconfidence.

— Tim Rees, lead author of the study

his PhD in sports psychology, also said university students require more direction, saying it often begets success and confidence.

“It can be the role of the athletic therapist, it can be the role of the student trainer, it can be the role of the head coach, assistant or faculty mentor,” Joseph said.

“It doesn’t necessarily mean just fans watching the game. We know that students will persist and succeed in academics as well as athletics based

connections in order to learn the tricks of the trade.”

If students can grasp knowledge on the field, around the court or in the lecture hall, Joseph believes all could be a potential source of stimulation.

For McComb, however, one of the many positive undercurrents in her athletic and academic life is provided by her parents — even if it takes them several hours to arrive.

“My mom is like my biggest fan and the enthusiasm is there.”

Ali McComb, a volleyball player from Ottawa, is cheered on by her parents at most of her home games. According to a recent study, family and peer support on the sidelines can contribute to an increase in athletic performance in high-stress situations. photo: andrew williamson

Grim Jesters on March 22, the Stingers were eliminated from the playoffs. They finish the season with a record of 5-14-5.

But the team will be back in action next year, when they continue their quest for varsity status in 2010.

And the award goes to...

Boris Bakovic and Andrea Raso won Athletes of the Year at the 61st Annual Interuniversity Sports Awards Celebration. Bakovic was the top scorer in Canada this year and Raso was the first Ryerson female athlete to be named to the Canadian Interuniversity Sport All-Canadian team. Nearly 200 student-athletes were at the banquet to celebrate their achievements this season. Other award winners include volleyball player Leah Saar, who picked up Rookie of the Year, and hockey player Kevin Krasnowki, who won two awards for his contribution to the Ryerson community. photo: matt llewellyn

ARTS & LIFE

Page 16

The Eyeopener — Wednesday, April 1, 2009

On the runway: Ryerson Fashion Week Ryerson’s hottest fashion event is gearing up to open on Friday. Aleysha Haniff talks to some of the school’s best designers Ryerson Fashion Week ends with the apocalypse. But don’t worry, Revelation, named after the last book of the Bible, is just one of the many student collections that will be showcased at Ryerson Fashion Week, running April 3-8. The week features designs from the fashion industry’s next wave of talent. Read the sneak peek for what you can expect to see hit the runway.

Three Ring Circus If Ryerson can’t go to the mountains, Mikhail Moudrakovski will bring the mountains to the catwalk.

When his dress goes down the runway during Three Ring Circus, the show for second- and third-year fashion design students, Moudrakovski hopes to leave his audience feeling like they’ve just seen the Himalayas.

“I wanted something that was really going to drape uniquely ... in movement, but totally different than it does just sitting still,” said the second-year student.

Inspired by tectonic plates, Moudrakovski’s bound to make geography more interesting. He incorporated rocks into his garment to achieve a gravelly, mountainous look. He made his dress from fine fabrics like chiffon to create an airy effect that reflects the billowing wind patterns.

Moudrakovski is excited for the show and said his classmates appreciate the chance to show off the skills they’ve picked up at Ryerson.

“It’s a nice way of Ryerson celebrating its fashion design students,” he said.

Project leader Ashley Stark said the show is based on edginess and a fierce dynamic. They tried to incorporate circus elements into the entire event including popcorn, the decor and a raffle.

Three Ring Circus runs April 5 and 6 in POD 250. Tickets are $15.

(Link) 2009 Grace Carroll believes every woman deserves the chance to feel beautiful in lingerie. But for breast cancer survivors who’ve had a mastectomy, sexy bras aren’t an option. So, for the fourth-year fashion-communication show, (Link) 2009, Carroll designed undergarments for women who have undergone surgery.

“The lingerie they have is really ugly. It’s very high-cut, it’s plain bland colours, and it really looks like a bra for an 80-year-old woman,” she said.

Instead of a fashion show, (Link) 2009 is an exhibition of ideas. Students develop their thesis projects and present them in the way that best represents their concept. Some students have video installations featuring live-streaming video. Others are mounting giant photos of models on a rock-climbing wall.

But Carroll’s project brings specialty bras that can support a single breast while still being very sexy.

Carroll’s mother is a breast cancer survivor and while she didn’t have a mastectomy, Carroll remembers how difficult it was.

“The fact that a woman survived this, the fact that she’s alive should be celebrated and they should still feel like a woman instead of feeling like they lost their sex appeal and their femininity,” she said.

(Link) 2009 is free and runs April 3-5 at the Great Hall, 14 Elm st.

Mass Exodus Shelia Lam’s final project features apocalyptic themes found in Revelation, the last book of the Bible.

Lam’s collection will close Mass Exodus: Chiaroscuro, the headline event for the week. The fourth-year show features about 130 models and 200 gar-

ments on the runway. More than 5,000 guests are expected to attend.

Chiaroscuro is an Italian term for the contrast between light and dark — which explains why Lam’s biblically inspired collection is a perfect fit.

Lam’s five outfits portray characters that foretell the end of the world.

Both God and Satan will strut their stuff on the catwalk, along with a disaster-bringing angel, a beast decked out with numerous eyes and a wickedly seductive scarlet dragon.

Both God and Satan will strut their stuff on the catwalk, along with a disaster-bringing angel, a beast decked out with numerous eyes and a wickedly seductive scarlet dragon.

“Some people may not believe in this, but you know, it’s fine,” Lam said.

“They understand this is what you love.

This is what you created.”

The show connects fashion, theatre production and film. And for the first time, real video will be used during the show, upping the drama quotient.

“It’s a great way to see how Ryerson works together,” said Sophie McCulloch, the show’s producer.

Mass Exodus runs April 7 and 8 at the Ryerson Theatre.

Tickets are available through the Ryerson Students’ Union member services office or at TOTix at Yonge-Dundas Square. Tickets are also online at totix.ca.

Mikhail Moudrakovski’s fashion designs will be showcased at Three Ring Circus this week. photo: andrew williamson

Eye on Rye: What’s happening this week?

Mr. Ryerson 2009, a cancer fundraiser The fundraiser is April 4 from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. at the Ram in the Rye. Male Ryerson students will compete in pageant fashion for the Mr. Ryerson tiara. Tickets can be purchased at the RCC and HUB from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. for $5, or for $6 at the door. Tickets will also be available for a raffle, with the grand prize being courtside tickets to a Raptors game. All proceeds are going to The Carlo Fidani Peel Regional Cancer Centre.

The Ryerson Students’ Union Student Market The market is March 31 and April 1st, 11 a.m. - 4 p.m in the Student Campus Centre and features student work such as photography, short films, artwork, music, clothing and accessories.

Shelia Lam shows off her creations. You can catch her collection at Mass Exodus, the fourth-year final fashion show. photo: andrew williamson