The Night
Times
| Detroit Country Day School |
“There’s no ‘U’ in College Counseling” pg. 22305 West Thirteen Mile, Beverly Hills, MI 48025
Experts have little hope for futures of Country Day students By WILLIAM BEACHUM News Co-Section Editor
Photos courtesy of reviewed.com and worldometers.info
quacies as he left, followed by a long shriek. We also sat down with 11/12th grade college counselor Stacy Penkala to see if she had any better hopes for these future classes. “While we at college counseling firmly believe that college is a match to be made, not a prize to be won, let’s just say that there are no matches being made in these upcoming years. If colleges and students were on a metaphorical dinner date, the metaphorical college would have stood up the metaphorical student. ” She went on to explain her metaphor further, using the word “metaphorically” ad nauseam. We then had a conversation with the newest member of the college counseling team, 11th/12th grade counselor, Judith Stahl. “I’m from Canada, so the stereotype is that we are supposed to be nice, but that is not the case with these juniors eh. I am soary to say it to them, but when their child says that they are tiktok famous and they don’t FRIGIDAIRE FFTR2021TS TOP-FREEZER Refrigneed to go to col-
pg. 2
pg. MAP OF INDONESIA
lege, I go from A to Zed real quick.” We lastly sat down with 9th & 10th grade college counselor Cheryl Sullivan to see how she is advising the sophomores and freshmen as the scheduling deadline creeps up. “After talking with these freshmen and sophomores, I have been advising them to take as little classes as possible. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take, and I don’t believe any of them should ever get on the basketball court in the first place.” We then talked to an 11th grade student to see if they felt that this assessment of their fellow peers seems fair. “I feel that this assessment of my fellow peers seems fair,” said junior Kaitlyn Hopkins, after an incredibly brief interview. The crew at the Day Times hopes that these college counselors are wrong in their assertions, and are ready for a strong 2022/2023 year. Although, considering the fact that these people have years of experience under their belts, DCDS may have to take a look at changing that one-hundred percent acceptance rate in its advertising.
What Color is the Dress?!?!
The flame of controversy engulfs the school in a blueish-blackish-goldish-whitish fury By CONNOR KALKANIS News Co-Section Editor
Jeffery Epstein’s death, Russian collusion in the 2020 presidential election, and the Israeli-Palestine conflict - all representations of the highest level of controversy in recent history. And as most of the DCDS community is already aware, another major controversy like these has taken the school by storm. That is, of course, the vital question of “what color is the dress?” A wildly viral image of a two-colored dress has recently been circulating around the internet and within the school. The question accompanying it is simple: is the dress blue and black, or white and gold? Sadly, the reaction has not been nearly as light-hearted as the question aimed to be. The following cannot be understated: there has never been such a valuable or polarizing topic to hit the internet. Because of this, the issue must be handled with extreme care and caution, especially seeing as the Day Times cannot afford to ignite another major controversy. Students and teachers alike have been quick to take sides, adding to the already
tense nature of the discussion surrounding the dress. The DCDS community is being seriously affected by this issue, even to the point of emotional trauma. One English teacher thought it would be a good idea to share the question with his class during their discussion time. The students of block 5 decided to band together in their convictions, and by the end of the period, had left their teacher quietly shivering on the floor near the corner of his classroom. A janitor reported hearing noises from behind the door at around 6:30pm. “The dress is blue and black. I know the dress is blue and black. I’m not crazy, I know what I see-” the phrases repeated over again continually, presumably well into the night. Similar reports have been brought up about students as well. Freshman Thomas Bresson attempted to take a diplomatic and unbiased approach. He said this regarding the viral image. “Can we all just please stop with all this ‘what color is the dress’ stuff? I’m new here, and it seems like taking a side con-
The Night Times | April 2022
demns you to shame from half of the school. I’m doing my best to stay neutral so that I can keep the peace in my friend group, and not have to worry about what color other people see when they look at some stupid picture of a dress.” The student was jumped by a gang of gold/white advocates later that day on his way to track practice. The teacher of the Theory of Knowledge class Mr. Parrish took a more philosophical approach to the issue. “What is it truly, for a man to be insane? I see with my own eyes that the dress is white and gold. But if the vast majority of people swear by the blue and black imagery, what does that make me? Am I but a man in a world of bumbling neanderthals? Am I myself a bumbling neanderthal? I don’t know what’s going on anymore! Can you just please tell me I’m not crazy?!” The interview had to be stopped short at that point, as it soon devolved into more
2
Quiz Bowl suffers harrowing bowl shortage
Comet from “Don’t Look Up” real??
pg. 2
2
of a desperate plea by Parrish who was attempting to disprove his own insanity. DCDS has encountered other controversies in the past, but nothing quite like this. And seeing as the faculty is already deeply involved in the discussion of the dress, it is hard to see where it might take the community next. The Day Times offers the best of luck to all readers who haven’t yet been taken by the horde.
pg. 2
Top 10 tips & tricks to avoid a life sentence
“What’s the damage?” asks Farmington father after waiter delivers check
pg. DRESS IMAGE NOT shown
DCDS Robotic’s Club claims “too many robots!”
Photo courtesy of bookstr.com,
As the class of 2022’s college acceptances roll in from Harvard, Cornell, Michigan, etc., the conversation has turned to the college prospects of the future grades. The college admissions process is surely a nerve wracking time for students, but the College Counseling team seems to have more of a weight on their shoulders for these future classes. “While the fear in the past has been deciding which college to go to, it seems like for the classes of 2023, 2024, and 2025, there is no decision. The decision is between no college and no college. That is, they will not be going to college at all. How am I supposed to counsel college when there is no college to counsel?” Greenwald then promptly exited our interview in extreme distress, mumbling complaints about student inade-
2
Spoiler Alert! Robert Pattinson’s Batman isn’t about bats at all!
pg. 2
Fire drills 95% more effective during advisory periods, study shows
DCDS School of Film’s documentary on cherry shortage “Cherry On Top” releases April 22nd
pg. 2
Vol. 98 | Issue 5
2 News
The Day Times |
www.fearthesting.com
Mass Hysteria
Students devastated over loss of philosophy club invitations By
Devastation floods the hallways of Detroit Country Day School, as a result of Dr. Harry Fried’s censorship. Screams of despair and confusion echo through the classrooms all begging for answers to questions of the century: What happened to the Philosophy club emails? It can’t be said why Dr. Fried has been holding back his reminders; some believe it is a social experiment while others accuse him of being cruel. When asked to comment about their feelings, an anonymous senior said, “When he stopped sending the emails, it felt worse than being broken up with via text. Needless to say, I could barely get out of bed for weeks,” before breaking down into tears. Another student said, “In this social climate? It’s crazy that people are just okay with this. I say #DrFriedIsOverParty.” The student went on to say, “I honestly think he is hiding something. I mean, why else would you stop sending informational emails. The best way to keep a secret is to keep it hidden in plain sight. Food for thought.” When asked to comment on his negligence, Dr. Fried said, “I didn’t even know people read the emails.” I We can’t say for sure what’s in store for Dr. Fried after all the backlash, but we are hopeful this provides people with a sense of closure.
Spot the Difference!!
Country Day Core Values
Find the Words!!
Leadership Muffins Passion Friendship Muffins Secrets Kindness Compassion Charity Muffins April 2022 | Issue 5 | Vol. 98
| The Day Times