THREE MEALS AT THE LIBRARY

By Will Kretz ‘26

The library’s new vending machines are the latest additions to Hamilton College dining. To explore this new culinary frontier, I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the hottest restaurant in town: the 24-hour reading room. I avoided the options you can get anywhere, like Mountain Dew Voltage or Jimmy Dean Simple Scrambles. I was more interested in the vending machines’ truly unique items.

On a side note, I’m not a vegetarian, but I couldn’t help but be surprised by the low number of vegetarian options in the vending machines. This got me thinking though: do vegetarians, people who care deeply about what they eat, even bother with the library’s food? I doubt they would. That’s why I was here, because I cared so little about what I put into my body.

Breakfast

I started my journey with a $5 bacon egg and cheese croissant sandwich that was fast approaching its best-by date. There were no cooking instructions on the sandwich’s plastic bag so I walked past the microwave and back to my seat, where I ate the sandwich cold. I couldn’t taste the bacon, the egg, or the cheese. Upon closer inspection of the sandwich, I found copious amounts of pepper on the egg, and even with this visual encouragement, my taste buds could not find anything. At the end of the day, the sandwich was a largely textural experience: dry and cold. The bacon egg and cheese had the advantage of being my first meal of the day, and yet it still disappointed.

Lunch

I wouldn’t let my previous sandwich experience deter me. For another $5 I bought the bacon pub cheeseburger. My journalistic commitment to truth that kept me from microwaving my breakfast was overpowered by my deep desire to not eat another cold sandwich. In other words, they probably expect us to microwave this, right? After thirty seconds in the microwave, the bacon pub cheeseburger was, expectedly, a little bit warmer. Topped with bacon, cheese, and two packets of ketchup (my own touch), I was as optimistic as one can be before eating a microwave cheeseburger. Surprise! It did not taste good. Similar to my breakfast, this sandwich was quiet in terms of taste but had quite a bit to say with texture. Really a mouthful. What hurts me most is this item’s name and the illusion of quality that the words “bacon pub cheeseburger” provide.

Dinner

For dinner, I had the chicken cordon bleu sandwich. The sandwich consisted of one breaded chicken patty, ham, and Swiss cheese. I microwaved this sandwich for thirty seconds and I was pleasantly surprised. It could’ve used more time in the microwave, but with no instructions on the package, it was always going to be a shot in the dark. The simplicity of the sandwich (despite its fancy name) is what really let it shine. I’m tempted to think I enjoyed this meal the most because I supplemented it with junk food. A bottle of Coca-Cola (full sugar) and cracked pepper and sea salt potato chips made the chicken cordon bleu sandwich really feel like a meal. At the same time though, I bought a bag of pizza pretzel Combos with my lunch and that did very little to improve my thoughts on the burger.

The food from the library’s vending machines is not cheap. It doesn’t taste very good either. The packaging is vague, so you’ll never know whether your meal should be microwaved, and if so, how long. It’s also embarrassing to be seen buying meals there. I think it’s something with all of those windows. My suggestion? Stick to the snacks.