THE FUNNY PAGES COMICS AND NOVELTIES

Why is Santa afraid of getting stuck in a chimney? He has Claus-trophobia.

What brand of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsillitis!

1) What group is almost entirely made up of lefties?

A) The Rolling Stones

B) The Muppets

C) The Astronauts who landed on the moon

D) The Stark family from the first season of Game of Thrones

2) Years after this person’s death, it was discovered they may have been a pot enthusiast, as some of the pipes found on this person’s property tested positive for cannabis use... Who was a secret stoner?

A) William Shakespeare

B) Edgar Allen Poe

C) Einstein

D) Monet

3) A desperate man in China tried to remedy his constipation by doing THIS, and it nearly killed him. What at home remedy did he try?

A) He had his wife use a toilet plunger repeatedly on his butt

B) He inserted a live eel into his anus

C) He Dispersed fourteen entire bottles of KY Kelly into his rectum

D) He tried to reach into his own butt with his hand and grab the stuck poop

4) Scientists recently learned and revealed that THESE creatures might hold the cure to immortality for humans... What creatures are we talking about?

A) Pandas

B) Seahorses

C) Beetles

D) Jellyfish

Ah, winter. Cold and dark just like my starbitchy heart. Here’s your fave winter tradition to get you through the holiday season based on your sign.

Aries - Day drinking and complaining. Or if you don’t drink… just complaining.

Taurus - Reading a book, but not a new one. The same one you’ve already read 9 times.

Gemini - Sledding. Because your grasp on reality is already a slippery slope, so you might as well have some fun with it.

Cancer - The annual busting out of your light therapy lamp to stave off your seasonal depresh. Also crying.

Leo - You’ve heard of Elf On The Shelf. How about Threesome under the Treesome? Get on board, it’s your new tradition.

Virgo - Glaring. Lots of glaring and fist shaking.

Libra - Watching lifetime originals about an ex-woodworker who found god but lost faith in love and then miraculously meets the woman of his dreams in a ski accident. Because you’re basic af.

Scorpio - Horror movie marathon, starting with Black Christmas, because you’re non-tradish and metal as hell.

Sagittarius - Decorating the house with all of your holiday decor two full months early so you can bask in the holiday spirit for as long as possible.

Capricorn - Snowball fights. Because you’re a competitive child who still doesn’t know how to manage your feels. What better way than throwing icy balls at people’s faces?

Aquarius - Knitting the scarf you started 3 years ago but have no real plans of finishing and drinking straight from the eggnog bottle. It’s your holiday, you do you.

Pisces - Microdosing and pretending like your problems don’t exist. Not really winter dependent...