EVERYTHING IS FINE ATTACHMENT THEORY

By Varuca Salty

Content Warning: unmet childhood needs, abuse, neglect

So I have been researching a new special interest lately.. Attachment theory. Please note that none of my special interests are ever things that actually feel good or are relaxing, no no, only the naval gazing, introspecting so hard I hurt myself kinds of interests for me, thanks. Attachment theory is interesting AF, but also, ouch my feelings. And as I was researching I learned another painful truth. Turns out there’s a difference between collecting knowledge and tools and ACTUALLY putting into practice said knowledge and tools. This is the worst news I’ve heard in a while. Well, that’s actually not true, there is a lot of terrible news much worse than this that I’ve heard lately, that was dramatic. But this was a little reality shaking because I am for sure a knowledge and tool collector..and not so much a knowledge and tool user. The dopamine I get just from understanding a concept is enough for me. “Wow! That makes so much sense!” *Moving on* I pack up my issues and put them back on the shelf and pretend like that is that. But that’s not actually how processing works. I have names for everything I’m experiencing, I have tools to hand out to all of my friends when they’re struggling, but as soon as I find myself in distress or discomfort, my access to that knowledge flies right out the window. I guess it’s like the plumber who always has a broken toilet at home. Cliches, etc.

Anyway, let’s talk about the different types of attachment styles because it turns out they’re pretty important in regards to how we move through the world and function in all of our relationships. There are a few types: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant.

Secure, well, that’s obvious. It’s when you have a healthy and safe connection within your relationships. An astounding 60% of the population has a secure attachment style which is way higher than I would have guessed. This means that these folks can emotionally connect with others easily as well as be independent and autonomous from others easily. They can work through their struggles with more ease because they have an innate feeling of worthiness and a general feeling of safety. (Must be nice.) Secure attachment is formed when a child’s caregiver is present and emotionally available and meets the child’s physical and emotional needs consistently. These people have a healthy sense of self and know how to ask for what they need.

Anxious-preoccupied people grew up in homes with parents who were loving but inconsistent. Sometimes the parent is emotionally and physically available and attuned and other times the parent is unavailable and anxious themselves. This can be super confusing for a kid because they never know which parent they will be met with when they reach out; the nice and present parent or the overwhelmed reactive parent. Kids often learn to get louder and more amped up emotionally in order to get the attention of their caregiver and begin to fear that if they allow their nervous system to rest that their needs won’t get met. This obviously leads to anxiety in childhood and adulthood. This is usually seen as being preoccupied with other’s needs and emotions and ignoring their own needs since their needs were often neglected. It can lead to seeking regulation outside of oneself (with the help of others) because they never learned to selfregulate. This can show up in adulthood as codependency, jealousy in relationships and hyper-vigilant monitoring of one’s partners as a way to gain a sense of control over their surroundings. People with this attachment style are usually very aware of everyone’s emotions around them but struggle to name and feel their own.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment is when a child learns to survive on emotional breadcrumbs. It is usually caused by isolation and lack of touch and affection from their caregivers. These children grow up thinking that their needs are not important and typically continue to sustain on breadcrumbs even into adulthood. They tend to keep people at a distance, and give off the energy that they don’t need anything from anyone. This hyper-independence creates a sense of false confidence that is actually just masking their low self-esteem and worth. People with dismissive-avoidant attachments did not get their needs met while growing up so they learned to survive on very little. They want and even crave closeness but lack the emotional skills to receive closeness. They feel unsafe being truly vulnerable with people.

Fearful-avoidant people are hyper-acti- vated and deactivated in their nervous system simultaneously (think full throttle on the gas and brake at the same time). This attachment style is highly associated with trauma. It’s most commonly caused by a child who sees their caregiver as frightening or dangerous. As humans, when we’re afraid we seek comfort from our attachment figures. But when our attachment figures are the danger, it puts the child in a paradox. It’s so incredibly confusing when a child wants comfort from the person causing them harm. These people often want love and closeness but also want independence and avoidance at the same time. These kiddos learn that they are not safe with the people who are supposed to be protecting them. Sadly, 2040% of the population have some degree of this type of attachment style. It can be caused by parents who are on an emotional rollercoaster, with drastic mood swings or unpredictable mental states, parents who have unreasonably high expectations and standards, parents who are physically/ emotionally/mentally abusive, etc. This often leaves kids stuck in a fight/flight/ freeze/fawn state, unable to get their emotional needs met. People who were raised with this type of dynamic often feel a sense of “damned if they do, damned if they don’t,” because no matter what they did, their caregivers weren’t able to meet their needs and often punished them regardless of their behavior. They grow into adults who feel unworthy of love and support and have a major fear of rejection which causes them to withdraw from relationships altogether. They crave closeness and intimacy but don’t know how to receive it. So fun, amirite?!? Ugh. I’m decidedly a fearful-avoidant gal myself, which falls on the insecure side of the spectrum. This attachment style is a combo of the anxious and dismissive types and it is absolutely exhausting, I can tell you that much. I only recently realized that I have been using back to back to back monogamous relationships to wield a false sense of security over my life. Having been single for the last few years, for the first time ever, I have lost all sense of my perceived control. And it is PAIN. Now that I’m single, I feel like my entire perception of reality is blown open. No other person defines me. I’m not coupled. I don’t have to be coupled to be worthy of existing. I can just be a single human. I never knew I could do that. Before I would have thought that I would die alone. But don’t worry, I never gave myself any amount of time between boyfriends to even get close to looking at that feeling. During covid I broke up with my person. Even though we had both agreed previously to stay together at least through covid so we could have a cozy cuddle pod buddy. But I couldn’t do it and I blew up my life instead… as one does. You might say I handle stress really well. Without a partner to mimic security for me I had no sense of control or comfort over my existence. I had no distraction from loneliness. No person to care for, to distract me from myself. Now I have all the time and space a person could ask for and I have no sense of safety or security because I never learned to create it within myself. I never took the time to learn who I am or what I like. With infinite time, I sit around wondering what the hell my purpose even is. I went from complacent (and not necessarily happy but definitely less aware) to existential crisis in 0.2 seconds. My life as I knew it fell apart. Even after two years I haven’t quite gotten all the pieces picked back up and rebuilt. I still don’t really know who I am or what I like or what I want out of life. I think I want to feel less miserable for starters. That’d be neat.

But, not to worry there is a tiny sliver of good news; a little something called earned security! With effort and awareness and probably a lot of therapy, a person can earn their way into a secure attachment. We all have the capacity to learn to be loved and give love in a healthy and secure way. I’ll let you know if I ever figure out how. I think it has something to do with learning to love yourself or something.

So which type are you? Are you one of the lucky 60% who actually got proper care from your caregivers? Are you on the insecure side of things, working your ass off for some earned security? Wherever you fall on the attachment spectrum just know that you are loveable and worthy. You’re doing great. (Well, except for you. You need to get your shit together.)

Sources:

“Polysecure” by Jessica Fern

“Relationships Make More Sense Once You Know About Attachment Theory” by Jennifer Chesak, https://greatist.com/connect/attachment-theory

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