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letter from the editor table of contents
what does it mean to be lost and how are we found, if we are even found at all? the past two years have changed our trajectories, have forced us to accelerate our process of self-discovery, completely changed our realities, pushing us through love and loss. many of us find comfort in our own ways, whether it’s a turban we adorn on our prideful heads, recluse to our calming mary jane, cope with people and seasons changing, or float through our stream of thoughts like a water lily. thank you for picking us up from the fog. we are so happy you found us, now let’s get lost together. - tayyaba ali ☾ co-president
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contents EBOARD co-PRESI DE NTs TAYYABA ALI ZAH RA MASI H
04. mary jane 18, 30. fashion features
22. seasons change
PHOTO KARI NA GUO TAYYABA ALI KE M BA COOPE R E DITORIAL LE I LAN I LATTI MORE
KE LLY LU CREATIVE KE M BA COOPE R TAYYABA ALI
10. turban
28. crush
BEAUTY TE N ZI N SALDON ANGE L K PR LE IO KOGA
13. waterlily
MODELS
Jason Rose M iah Sanch ez Sahara McE lroy Ke m ba Coope r Zah ra Masi h Salai ha M ughal Tayyaba Ali Pare esay Afzal Caroli n e Joh nson
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mary jane
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by La’Treil Allen
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They say your smell lingers in my room A heavy scent that was the perfect accessory to the heavy heart I carried You poured life into me And in return I always kept your fire burning Now I’ve grown so accustomed to the sensation That every craving draws me back to you A degrading lapse in judgement That in the moment feels like my redemption I remember when I was afraid of you You overcame me in a way that was foreign but familiar But like every mountain you had a peak A boundary I too often found myself crossing Into a realm where reality felt so unnatural That any attempts to ground myself Were uprooted with the realization that I no longer had control
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I remember when I was afraid to be seen in public with you You triggered a sinful sensation that I couldn’t even enjoy The threat of capture omnipresent Paranoia looming over me Will the blank stares quickly fade And leave behind screaming calls — The kinds that never end well for people like me — Or will the sirens be bound to my mind And the only thing left behind be my peace What I remember most is when we first met A day like all the others that ended unlike any Your presence coinciding with the realization that today’s problems were tomorrow’s sister I should have known you were here to stay By the way my mother welcomed you She knows your scent better than I do The rhythms of life always in motion As your scent engulfs my room now I’m reminded of the four walls of my youth That trapped you and in return trapped me Will my sister find you too?
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Photographer: Kemba Cooper
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TURBAN A Lunar perspective
Author: Zahra Masih Photographer: Karina Guo
My turban, wrapped in the calm hours of the morning Before the sun bids the moon adieu. The knots are tightened Intertwining my identity with my reality. Each seam demands a glance of acceptance as I nod to my fellow sister, of alienation as the TSA beckons me forward. The fabric begs a question That my friends encourage me with, and my classmate hesitates asking.
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The safety pins expose a reminder
“To stay strong”
as my mother said When it was wrapped.
“To take it off ”
as my peer said When it was seized.
My turban protects my pride, But this is not to be mistaken for shame. These threads announce who I am With it, I open new perceptions, I deflect deceptions, I expose myself to hate While encouraging others to love.
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My turban is not your turban It does not orate the same truths. But one universal persists This cloth is wrapped in freedom not in oppression. My turban starts its day under a boastful colored sky Where my earrings may droop low Yet, my head is held high.
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waterlily
by: emiliano cardoza photographer: karina guo
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I am lost in the biting cold of my shower when the fire alarm caterwauls. I pause for two beats, then decide to stay a little longer to finish rinsing off. He sits on a rock somewhere between Tabasco and the Arizona border. He holds a piece of the sun in his hands that he carved out himself. The ruthless radiation scorches his skin, creating blisters I know I will have to tend to later. Why do you let yourself burn? Why do you refuse to acknowledge your hurt? He says he has no choice, that he chooses not to feel. He hands me the piece, telling me that I have no choice. I chuckle and let the chunk of sun hang in the air between us. I hear one of my housemates stumble up the stairs, then back down. They yell something about smoke. We sit outside where the Great Bear hovers over the lakeside. The man peers into the water. I dip my toe in when he’s not looking. A woman with a jade skirt suddenly rises to the surface and splays herself next to me. She warns me that she will turn us into fish. The sky begins to crumble around the Great Bear, but the man’s eyes are bolted in place, captivated by the light seizing on the lake’s surface. The sky debris closes in on us.
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The next day he cradles me in the palm of his hand. I sob for 52 years straight. I knew one of us would have to go eventually. I just never realized destroying the sun also meant losing him. I bang my head on the shower wall. There’s afraid that I will not make it out of this I lay in the dark of my room, possessed by My sister snores from the bed next to me, Their joint cacophony drowns out my I try to beat the timer. It pays off, and I Their snoring suddenly feels louder. I go to the kitchen for water and beats before taking a sip to make sure I swallow, and feel a crawling in my The ant visits me in my dreams. We are somewhere between Tabasco
a tea kettle boiling inside my head. I am shower. my metallic pink NintendoDS Lite. and my father snores from the room over. furious tapping and button smashing as finish the game. The credits roll. refill my cup, waiting two I didn’t wake anybody. throat - an ant, I think. and the Arizona border.
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He says he is not mad at me for swallowing him, but asks that I bring him to the top of the mountain across the desert for his troubles. With guilt in my chest, I agree and carry the ant on my neck while we trudge across the sand. We arrive at the mountain’s base and I begin to climb, limbs shaking. A quarter of the way up my foot slips from its hold and we tumble back to the bottom. I tell the ant I am not sure I can do this. He praises my efforts so far and shares kind words of encouragement. I try again. I fall five more times, then decide to take a moment to sit. The ant chastises me, calling me lazy and selfish. I get up and try again. After falling three more times I tell the ant I cannot go any further. In my head I worry that I will never regain the energy to get back home. The ant suddenly grows to the size of a bear and lunges at me, his pincer piercing my cheek. Water lilies pour from my wound. We stand in silence, and I hug him for what will be the last time.
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I finally leave the bathroom and head down five flights of stairs. I amble towards the exit, humming a song that only exists in the moment. The air outside is humid and warm. The silvery moonlight bounces off the greenery, and the crickets fill the darkness with their chirps. I find a rock and sit on it, waiting for the firemen to come.
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FA FA FE FE KE KE CO
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ASH ION ASH ION EATURE: EATURE: E M BA E M BA OOPE R
W
hat is your name, your major, and where are you from? KC: Kemba Cooper, they/them, Comparative Literature - If I’m gonna spend my time here I might as well do something I enjoy. I’m from Brooklyn. KL: How has fashion been important to you? KC: It helps me present myself in a way that I wanna be seen in the world. It makes statements for me without me having to vocalize it. KL: How do you express yourself through fashion? KC: I like to accessorize a lot. Using different textures can be really exciting. You can tell I’m a very serious person from the way I dress. It expresses some basic aspects of my personality. KL: How would you describe your style? KC: The best description I could give is that I care about comfort and fit. So maybe fitted, comfortable clothing and things that are very long lasting. I wanna wear something as many times as I can get out of it. KL: What inspires you/influences you in your fashion? KC: I’d definitely say music. It’s a lot less now because with social media I think fashion has become a bit bizarre. Everything is for engagement. But when I was younger
and used to watch music videos and saw my favorite performers, I definitely saw the brands they wore. The silhouettes and patterns become so recognizable. I would rewatch music videos just to remember what my favorite rapper or singer was wearing. But nowadays I am less influenced by music and other people, and I kinda just wear whatever I want. I’ve worn enough things that now I have more of a sense of what I want to wear. I don’t really seek to look like or emulate anybody. My mood too—I just dress how I feel. KL: How has social media influenced fashion? KC: Well Instagram has become a shopping app now, so a lot of things you see on the explore page are very algorithmic, and so it inclines you to like certain things. And with COVID there is less of a chance to shop in person, so most of what you see are these edited and doctored images, or not even modeled by humans at all. With a lot of these behemoth fast-fashion brands like Boohoo, Fashion Nova, you have to seek those more niche and specific smaller designers. Sometimes it’s hard to find something I like at all. Sometimes it’s way out of my price range, sometimes it just doesn’t exist. It just feels like the garments aren’t what they’re advertised to be. KL: What musicians used to influence you a lot? KC: I used to watch a TV show called 106 & Park that would run music videos. They would have a top ten countdown and I would just watch whatever music videos were on. But on YouTube I used to watch a lot of Yung Money—this is kind of embarrassing—hip hop dancers, background dancers, Lil Wayne, Juelz Santana, 50 Cent. I had a lot of hip hop label t-shirts too. And honestly, growing up in NYC when you see local artists—the fashion climate there is so different that it’s kind of normal to see very expressive fashion. And growing up there it felt like, ‘oh, I can do that too.’ I also like pop and rock music, so growing up people like Avril Lavigne influenced my style a lot, Rihanna as well. KL: How did growing up in theXcity COLLECTIVE | 19 in-
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of different tastes. KL: How has your style changed over time? KC: It takes time to get to know your style. Get to know what fabrics, what fits good on your body, to really get that true feel for what you love. I definitely had a more bright and colorful wardrobe when I was younger, but I phased out of that. Now that I’m older I know more about what I like, so I’m interested in how the garments and the outfits come together naturally. I’m less worried about garishness in design or branding, or appearing to look like I have a lot of money. I don’t really like monograms and big logos, I like things that I can pair with a lot of items and layer really well. I don’t want things pinching me and making me uncomfortable just for the look—that was a silly sacrifice I made often when I was younger. Also, I’ve learned not to be greedy and just buy tons of shit. A lot of times people just buy a ton of things and never really get around to wearing it. So nowadays I ask myself, is this a hard yes, am I enthusiastic about it? Am I gonna wear it? And if not then I don’t go for it. I think that’s also my way of trying to be less wasteful. There’s no way to get around the evils of the fashion world, but I can at least be more careful about what I buy.
fluence you? KC: Going to school in the city, people came to school in a lot of different styles, because they too would be influenced by artists, rappers, ball players. Even being on the train or just walking about, downtown Brooklyn, you see a lot of interesting performances and styles of dress. And also going to museums, parties, even out-of-the-box avant garde street performances, you get exposed to a lot
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KL: What is your favorite piece to wear? KC: That’s tough. I think my favorite item of clothing is jewelry. Some of my favorite jewelry pieces are my nose rings, my chains. KL: Do you have favorite stores or brands? KC: I don’t really have loyalty to brands because brands are run by people at the end of the day and people’s tastes are fickle. We’re just told what to like and I don’t accept that. So there are brands I’ll peruse because I know they have basic quality goods, like Nike, but I don’t really go for any particular brand. I’m
more worried about the quality of the garment and how enthusiastic I am about it than what brand it is. KL: What message do you think you try to send to the world with your fashion? KC: Style is one of the first things you observe when you see someone. I have a lot of attention to detail. I wanna be careful about the way things complement my body. Something about having a nice and tailored appearance makes me feel really good. And I care about feeling good about myself. KL: Do you think developing your sense of fashion has developed you as a person? KC: Yes. Fashion has helped me with acceptance. Your style should deliver a sense of pride. This is how I look and I’m proud of that and there shouldn’t be any shame in that. I think it’s made me a more confident and stronger person. In some ways dressing well does make me more present. It helps me feel like an individual. There’s something liberating about dressing yourself and claiming your body.
bring up? KC: Sports. I feel like lately athletic wear has been the ultimate intersection of function, comfort and style, and with major athlete brand ambassadors and luxury collaborations, there are so many options available. There’s something about being able to wear a more relaxed garment but still put together. There’s a stereotype that sweats and hoodie is dressed down, but you can wear that while still wearing something that is true to you. KL: Thank you for your time! Photographer: Karina Guo Interviewer: Kelly Lu
KL: Has being on Collective X influenced your fashion views in any way? KC: It’s definitely opened my eyes to expanding and building upon fashion. We tend to see fashion as just clothing, but it’s also the attitude, consistency, and the things you choose to surround yourself with in addition to the things you wear. It’s about the whole package. KL: Anything else that has inspired you lately that you would like to
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SEASONS CHANGE
Author: Nia Bia
Photographers: Kemba Cooper Karina Guo
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Like the renewal of our favorite show, our season together is retracted. The hope of seeing you appear in another episode, cancelled. No more daydreams of what could happen next, I have to remind myself to wake up. The co-star of my series has made their final scene.
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Meeting the one with that spark was a beautiful misfortune. Giving more than money could buy, their presence weighed more than 100 bars of gold. Their absence tugged at my mind, which often wondered if they’d return.
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I tried to keep in the present. Tried to fight the impulses to draw maps in my mind of when and where we started to get lost, how much it hurt, and how long it would be until you’re less than an afterthought. COLLECTIVE X |X25| 25 COLLECTIVE
When the seasons change, you’ll morph to a different color and fall from this tree. I know this time is near, because I recognize you less each day. Until the fall, I’ll try my best to binge our favorite episodes a little less, until I can’t recall
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One day I’ll discover a new series. It might even be self-titled as a reminder of the most important show,
me.
A solo act not attached to labels, places, or people. A collection of seasons I won’t have to say goodbye to. COLLECTIVE X |X27| 27 COLLECTIVE
crushing/crush/crushed
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angel katthi
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FASHION ION FEATURE: FEATURE: FASH CAROLIN NE E JOH JOHNSO NSO CAROLI
J
ust for some background information, can I have your Name, Year, Major, Pronouns, etc.?: CJ :Hi, my name is Caroline Johnson, I am a senior in the school of Industrial and Labor Relations, I graduate this semester, my pronouns she/her. Oh, and I’m 21 years old *laughs* And -- I am from Long Island, NY! Raised in a Jamaican household, *laughs* hmm anything else?
LL: Haha! No, that’s great, thanks. So what can you tell us about your personal style and your artistic work? CJ: Oooh, okay. Well, my personal style is forever changing. I have started to wear brighter colors lately to bring more light into my life. I also love wearing layers, just because it’s very comforting, and mixing all the different kinds of textures is something I like playing with. My artwork is mostly centered around people and capturing portraits of them to memorialize them in my life but to also create faces I haven’t seen. They just show up as I am drawing, or wherever my hand carries the line. So it’s inventive, it’s creative, fun, and relaxing. Yeah, it’s my peaceful place, my happy place.
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LL: Okay, that’s great! Speak-
ing on t might y your st er artis ion has over tim CJ: Yeah time I de experim and I hav caring w people t what I w dress fo people, t necessa it for my as I used to fit in, a do, or ap family fo who use my fashi or make me feel i started l comfort more be not wha think I am ample, s ago, they ‘Oh wow look mor happy.
LL: Wow think yo fashion sion? CJ: Yeah not reali
: ON ON
that, how you say tyle whethstic or fashs evolved me? h, so over efinitely have mented more ve stopped what other think about wear. I don’t or other to impress arily. I just do yself. Whered to dress as people ppease my or example, ed to police ion a lot, e a lot of commentary that made insecure about myself. But, once I letting that go I have become more table, and also love what I wear ecause it’s what I want to wear, and at other people think I should wear. I m coming into my own now. For exsomeone told me a couple months ey hadn’t seen me in a year or so, w, you look so different. But, you re like you.’ So that made me really
w, we love to hear it. Do you our art plays a role in your n experimentation and expres-
h! I think so, like subliminally? I may ize it, necessarily, but I think try-
ing out new things is something I do in my art and it has transferred to my fashion. I love patterned skirts, things that have a lot of lines in them, like concentric circles, squiggly lines, stuff like that. Also, textured patterns that have lines in them, like I have started wearing corduroy as the weather has changed. I think that I enjoy playing with lines in my art pieces, bending them, making them continue, and change, and warp, and just go with the flow. OH, also I have started wearing more flowy clothes because, and this is all tying back to insecurity, but I did not have a ‘grown woman body’ … LL: There’s no such thing as a grown woman body! (Grown woman body is an AAVE colloquialism used to denote a body with curves, usually in hour- X | 31 COLLECTIVE
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glass proportions) CJ: So, I would try to wear more form fitting things to accentuate what ‘wasn’t really there’ but, I think now that I have become more comfortable with my body, I am more comfortable with wearing flowier clothes and things that aren’t so structured. It’s more about comfort and things that make me happy to look at. LL: Okay! How do you think art/ fashion has helped you find yourself? Or do you often get lost in it?
CJ: Oh I think it’s helped me find myself, more specifically my art. Just
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because it provides a sense of clarity, especially if I am feeling more clouded or down. I don’t only make art when I am down, but I think it makes me stop, take a moment and pause to reflect on what I have seen, and what I am doing with my life, and who I am. Like, I have created a lot of self-portraits, and I think that they help capture how I have changed over time. I think that grounds me a lot because I’m not always on the go, I can sit and pause and see how I am in this moment and then I can go back and look at it as I get older and see the ways I have evolved, I think for the better. LL: Given the insight that your art gives you, how do you see your art changing ten years from now, as you see
s
highlights the expansiveness I have at that time. I hope I continue to break down the mold that I tried to fit in when I was younger, and instead make it more organic and fun and comfortable. LL: I think that was beautiful, thank you Caroline! Photos: Caroline Johnson Interviewer: LeiLani Lattimore
yourself changing ten years from now? CJ: I think, not only will I change aesthetically, like my face being older, I think that it [my art] will become less related to reality. It won’t be based on a photo, it will be more expansive. It won’t fit a conventional art form I want to explore further, whether that means abstract or what have you, I hope that
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acknowledgments The Collective X team would like to thank everyone who has been a part of this mag-creating journey. You are truly what makes this an inclusive, amazingly curated kick-ass magazine that I am honored to be a part of. Thank you for standing by us and contributing during the uncertain times enforced by this post-pandemic semester. None of this could have been accomplished without the creativity of our literary/visual contributors, the determination of our models, my amazing beautiful baddie co-pres Tayyaba Ali, our creative head Kemba Cooper, all members of beauty team and the continuous support and optimism of our team. Also a special shoutout to The Lodge for facilitating a more than ideal space for our photoshoots. And a final thank you to you, dear reader, for supporting our publication and taking a chance to give us a read. Thank you for supporting Collective X Liberation and our art. - Zahra Co-President
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