ROMANTIC Romeo If you were a sandwich, what kind would you be? Just wondering, “Stephanie J” Merritt Island, FL Aha! You think I’m going to say something suggestive, don’t you? You’d like me to tell you that I would be an openfaced, foot-long hot sausage sandwich topped with chocolate-covered strawberries in a champagne cream sauce, wouldn’t you? Well, Romeo is a very simple yet sophisticated man and tries to shy away from crass double entendres. My dear, I were a sandwich, I would simply be thinly-sliced prosciutto with a sun-dried tomato spread and tapenade on imported Cypriot flatbread. Surprising, no? Would you like a bite? Hold the pickle. Go ahead, hold it…but be gentle! Dear Romeo, I was sending an email to my lover when all of a sudden my screen went blank! I’m worried that my husband might get on the computer before I can get it fixed first and may look into my “sent” box and find out that I’ve been cheating. My PC is frozen! What can I do? Desperate in Melbourne Beach
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Dear Woman, I have met many women with frozen PC’s and I have the skills that can warm them back up. What you need is a hard drive, which I can give to you. But first you must go to: www.romeoscomputerrepairandsex.com Click on my hot link for assistance – but be gentle! Romeo, I’m routinely shocked by the suggestiveness of your advice. Is there any way you can answer a person’s question without making some crass, sexual reference? Innuendo is one thing, crass jokes about sex and people’s anatomy is just poor taste. Grow up, Gregory T Dear Gregory, I’m guessing from the nature of your erudite missive that you must be a professional football player. What position do you play? Tight end? Go long!
Dear Romeo, Im a huge fan of yours and find you incredibly sexy. I’ve always wanted to ask you something, though. If you could be any kind of animal, which one would you be? Susan H., Cocoa Beach If I was an animal I would be an octopus rabbit. I would be very soft and cuddlesome and energetic with eight slippery hands. Another animal I could be would be a frog cheetah: fast, strong and a tongue that could shoot out very far and quickly. Or I could also be a turtle kitten: slow, patient and gentle and warm and purring. But this is silly. These are only imaginations. If I could be an animal, I would choose to be a camel. Why? Because I like humps! But more serious, what kind of animals would you be? Be any kind you desire. Only come to my petting zoo! No animals are ever hurt in my stunts! Meeeow! Growl! Ribbit Ribbit! Romeo, I’m desperate to know more about you. You give such great advice all the time, but all my friends want to know what your turn offs are. We all want to date you! You are the best! “Steve” Melbourne Beach Turn offs? My switch is always up in the on position! However, the things that make my switch go down sometimes are several: fishnets that smell of fishes, women who smoke pipes, cereals in my ketchup, injured manatees, Phil O’Riley, broccoli in shoes, dentistry and frozen mice! But I think my greatest turn off is wars. Iraq is a lonely desert. Leave it alone! Make an invasion of Tahiti! This is a place of beauty and love worth conquering. Wars are silliness and craziness. I only understand love, sex and fun. But I can say that a war against loneliness and frigidness is the only wars worth fighting. Do you know someone who is lonely and frigid? I am locked and loaded; ready to blast.