THE BANANANA
The Official Newspaper of the College for Kids Who Don’t Wanna Read and Can’t Write, but Wanna Wake Up in New Bugattis Established 1993
Grimm the “Comeback Kid” - Page 3
April 1, 2015
Corpses to Drive Loop - Page 5
Issue # 15
Bruh, It’s “Sharknado” - Page 8
Public Safety Caught Smoking Pot Officers Were Nabbed Passing Joints Instead of Inspections
CSI Twerk Team - Page 12
CSI’s First Ever Beard Growing Contest Clue Event Takes Personal Growth to New Level BY DENNISE DEJESUS
the door and was hit in the face with pot fumes. When I smelled it, I told my boss that I’m taking an early break. When fumes seeped into The Banner office just accross from the St. George room, members were skeptical. “Either the dorms have burned down,” a staff writer thought, “or Student Government has run out of ideas to take us out.” Workers in the Office of Health and Welfare raced upstairs with paper fans to get rid of the smell. They assigned each of their four members a task: two were to open windows and set up the fans, and the remaining members had to beat back students and staff that tried to inhale the thickening fumes. They failed, and the scene transformed into an assembly line of people either giggling or emptying Cheetos bags. “My boy told me there was a CLUE Event goin’ on up here,” said Skater Dude, a
On April 1 The College of Staten Island held its first annual longest beard contest. The event capped a day that featured a series of other unorthodox events such as the CSI Revue’s Yodeler’s Workshop, the JVCC’s Dog Cosplay Contest and Stagestruck Drama Club’s Miming Event. “You don’t understand how grateful I am to finally have my split-ends appreciated,” a participant mused. “CSI cares. It really, really cares.” The event was held in the Green Dolphin Lounge at 2:30 p.m. Before the event started, each student was required to fill out a ticket. The tickets were eventually put into a raffle that chose the judges. Reluctantly, the three selected judges took their places at the table. Though many students were dismayed with the idea of this, seven applicants bravely signed up for the contest, with majors ranging from Drama to Physics. In addition to the variety of majors upon the contestants, the contest displayed a form of pageantry among the art of beard growing. Surprisingly, one of the contestants was a bearded woman, majoring in Cavemanology. The rounds of the competition included beard measurement, beard styling, and beard maintenance. The first place winner received a $50 gift certificate to a fancy hot shave. The second and third place winners received $15 iTunes gift cards. As the contestants walked on stage, the first contestant tripped on his beard, causing the rest of the contestants to fall on their backs, creating a domino effect. The audience erupted in laughter as the contestants picked themselves up. The contestants lined up in order and stood still. Each contestant maintained the minimum of a 20-plus inch beard hanging
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Continued on Page 4
Photo Credit: Jéan-Claude Quintyne
The Campus Center became a dome where all who wanted a “fix” could stop by on April 1
BY JÉAN-CLAUDE QUINTYNE This morning, dozens of Public Safety officers were found smoking and passing around several joints in the St. George room at the Campus Center. The bust occured immediately after the “Hugs, Not Drugs” Intervention, which took place down the hallway, when host Greg Brown started giggling uncontrollably. “Pfffttt. Ha ha ha ha,” a composed Brown said. “Got any more brownies? Get it? Ha ha ha!” Public Safety fostered its reputation from its innovative, hard-nosed patrolling, cracking down on loitering, parking tickets, photographers, and students breaking CUNY’s anti-tobacco policy--all absolutely crucial to CSI’s security. But it seems that now, the tables have turned. When participants reacted to Brown’s odd behavior, they noticed that the fumes began filling the room. They each took deep breaths and sprang to action.
“I saw everybody from the Hugs Intervention just run out. They didn’t go to the St. Geroge room, they sprinted for the vending machines.” “Something started smelling funy,” Ramsez Martinez of Third Rail magazine stated, struggling to supress laughter. He coninued, “Then I went into the hallway and I thought the building was on fire. I saw everybody from the Hugs Intervention just run out. They didn’t go to the St. Geroge room, they sprinted for the vending machines.” It wasn’t until a janitor, who wishes to remain anonymous, opened the room where the fumes were coming from that the cause of the panic subsided. “I thought a pipe burst again, but there was too much laughter in there. I unlocked
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STAFF President Black Jesus: JÉan-Claude Quintyne Wants to be in Charge But Not Really: Clifford Michel Tells People They Suck at Writing: Anna Kryukova Embezzler: Sema Ajredini Giant PokÉmon In Disguise: Lucia Rossi Diamond-Slingers: Victoria Priola Diana Porcelli Snapchat Champions: Matthew Bergman Lucy Farfan-Narcisse Benchwarmer: Michael Papandrea Does All That Interwebs Shit: Emily Zoda Spongebob Anchovies: Matthew Mckenna Ahmed Ahmed Alycia Paccione janelle Norman Elizabeth Higgins Jenae Jones Dennise Dejesus Briana DelBuono Emanuela Balliu Rob Larosa Francesca Miceli Loren Trapanese Why are You Still Here?!??: Jaeyung lee Jeremy l. Pasker FACULTY ADVISOR: Frederick Kaufman
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What’s this Section supposed to be Called Again? RE: “You guys suck!” This the first time you guys are doing letters to the editor this semester. What happened? The Artist Formally Known as Prince came to our class and assured us that y’all would publish our comments. Don’t you care about what we think? COM 277 Student
RE: “HELP!” Look, we know you guys are busy and have your shit together but, PLEASE, could you just take the rest of the semester off an run our magazine? We have no idea what we’re doing! Catalyst
RE: “Just give me a chance” I know there’s fifteen seconds left RE: “Check your shoes lately?” in the semester but, I really, really, We would like to let you know that really, really want to intern with we are proud to add an extra, su- you guys. per comfy layer of cusioning to the Maria Gonzalez, Nursing Major bottom of your shoes--our shit!! RE: “Don’t get your hopes up” Geese Awww, you still have to wear a P.S.: We meant, “honnnnnk” North Face at the end of March? You don’t like the 10000mph RE: “Where is everybody?” Umm, hi. I came to the office last gusts of wind on campus? Don’t week at 2pm and nobody was here. you like building snowmen? Haha You guys assured me, like super don’t care. assured me, that people are always Spring in the office. RE: “Just. Stop.” Lost CSI Student I complimented you all last year RE: “When do meetings start?” for not being disappoiontments How come meetings never start because you promised me you on time? Every time I get to the wouldn’t do this Issue anymore. office on Thursdays, there’s just Well, I’m going to go ahead and a bunch of drunk people spinning take that back now. Now, you’re around talking about glitter and just making journalism look bad. Keep up the good work! Podcasts... Frederick Kaufman Josh Williams RE: “Tech assistant” We are writing to inquire about the content of your Spotify playlists. Our tech team has notified me that there are a few, ahem, ratchet songs on there that discuss sticking an [expletive] in her [expletive], then her shoving her [expletive, expletive, expletive, expletive] up and down his [expletive]. Please reply. Spotify CEO
RE: “Real Coverage” Now that I will be permanently temporarily in charge of the Publications Board, I aim to bring actual news to the forefront. First, you guys need to do a profile on the geese. Then, you should cover how badly the campus needs new sidewalks, you know, like ones that I don’t trip over because I’m 50 feet tall. Finally, you should
write a guide on how to process purchase orders, because I don’t know how. Robert King Kee RE: “Robert King Kee” Good luck getting your purchase orders processed. LOL Philip Masciantonio RE: “Idea for Photo Essay” Two words: Dick pics. Mikey “2 Inchez” Tromboli RE: “Where are our Games?” The jig is up, we want our Monopoly and Uno cards back. We know you meant well when you borrowed them last year, but without them we can’t pretend that we’re putting out the one issue we publish each year. Just, please, we’re dying here. Third Rail RE: “I want you back” I thought we had something. I really thought we did. Don’t you remember those times you’d slam so hard on the keyboard, wishing for me to go faster? Don’t you remember all those nights I made you miss class? You stayed with me and worked so hard and it felt so good. Don’t you remember those times I crashed right when you were about to finish? I bet your new lover doesn’t make you curse the way I did. I bet your new lover doesn’t make you as passionate (you’d say pissed) the way I did. I want you back, lover, just give me another chance. I swear to you I’ll work. QuarkXPress
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bananana politics
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Congressman Grimm Defiantly Re-Running for Congress He’s Going to Jail, Like, Actually Going to Jail, but Re-Running Anyway
BY CLIFFORD MICHEL Former Staten Island Congressman and certified badass Michael Grimm announced that he’s re-running for Congress. Grimm was reelected as representative of the eleventh Congressional District last November despite being charged with 20 separate indictments. Prior to that, Grimm rose to prominence after he threatened a NY1 reporter. With little to no mafia money left from his campaign account, Grimm was forced to make the announcement in the College of Staten Island’s Campus Center “Guys, guys,” Grimm shouted to the politically disengaged youth. “Hey, I know I messed up last time, but I’m ready to go back to Congress, baby!” He made the announcement alongside several desperate seniors who he promised to employ if he won the special election on May 5. The students looked shy and ashamed, but held up signs that said “Don’t Call it a Comeback: and “Out of the Fire, a Hero Rises.” “Of course I’m ashamed to work with Michael Grimm, the first time we get national press on the island and it’s because he threatened to basically kill a guy,” said Johnathon
Michaels, a senior at CSI. “But dude I have a Bachelors in Fine Arts—when I told my parents they were shocked, they think fine arts means watching “The Sopranos.” Michael continued, “So, I really need this job, and this guy is my only shot.” The ex-legislator insists that he isn’t having money issues and denies allegations that he has been seen working out in Planet Fitness and that he has traded his Tottenville bachelor’s pad for a tiny St. George apartment on the North Shore. “C’mon guys, it’s me—Mikey Grimm, I can make this country work. I used to be on the Finance Committee,” said Grimm, who was forced out of the finance committee due to corruption charges. When asked if he had any union,
“Only support I need,” Grimm said proudly. Shortly after, his mother called
“C’mon guys, it’s me—Mikey Grimm, I can make this country work. I used to be on the Finance Committee,”
personal, financial, or flat out any backers who believed in him at all, Grimm slyly replied by pulling out a picture of his mother.
Source: blog.rollcall.com
“He really loves the way I govern. He thinks I have the potential to become president,” Grimm spoke of a comment he received from Vladmir Putin
The Banner to go on record saying that she’d no longer be supporting Grimm. Grimm told The Banner that he was hoping to earn the endorsement of a high ranking head of state: Vladimir Putin. “Putin said he really loved the way I govern. He thinks I have the potential to become president and that really means a lot to me,” said Grimm about the Russian semi-dictator who has invaded sovereign countries regularly and imprisons individuals for their sexual orientation. In typical collegiate fashion, several Marxist students protested his announcement. Grimm more or less admitted that he figured if Staten Islander’s voted for him when he was obviously guilty of crimes, that he could definitely win the district if he plays up his love for Jesus and small time val-
Source: washingtontimes.com
ues. “Let’s be honest: I’m a criminal and I still won,” Grimm said. “Like, this district loves me.” After his attempt at a rally, Grimm was seen trying to get on CSI’s Ferry Shuttle bus to save some money on his way back to the North Shore. Grimm is not a student and was kicked off. Across the street from where Mr. Grimm was making his announcement, several gentlemen waited suspiciously for the congressional-hopeful to finish his speech. When asked who these men were, The Banner was told to “fugget about it” and to watch its “steps. “Wouldn’t want an accident to happen.” In a genuine moment of fear and panic, The Banner lied to the gentlemen and said not to worry, “I know Vinny. Vinny and I are good friends.” “Well any friend of Vinny is a friend of ours,” said one of the gentlemen. The men all preceded to kiss our on the ground reporter on the cheek and invite him several times over for dinner. Our reporter was then reassured that Isabella was making spaghetti and meatballs and that her spaghetti and meatballs were an offer that he simply couldn’t refuse. Needless to say, our reporter ran.
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“Annual Beard Growing Contest” Continued from front Page from their chins. For the first competition, each contestant’s beard was measured. Two volunteers were grabbed from the crowd to measure the beards. The first contestant Shawn Pierce, a Chemistry major, flaunted his 22-inch ZZ Top inspired beard with a split in the front. The second contestant Josh Lund, a Physics major, shaped a star formation on his 21-inch beard with matching sideburns. The third contestant Rayna Lucas, a Drama major, showed up with a 20-inch ombre beard to match her ombre locks. Fourth contestant Leo Carr, a Philosophy major, wowed with a 27-inch beard with perfect curls. Final contestant Larry Davis, a Business major, maintained a more au natural look with his 25-inch beard. For the second competition, each con-
testant was required to style their beard to perfection. The contestants were optioned to create a piece of art while showcasing their beard. Larry Davis, first appeared on stage holding a tray that supported his beard. His beard was styled like a tree with flowers blooming and birds hanging from spare branches. Next was Shawn Pierce with his beard shaped as a heart with the words love hanging on ribbons tied on beard strands. Thirdly, was Leo Carr, who spray dyed his beard blue and white, creating a waterfall setting with a mountain diorama. Additionally, he added a waterfall sound, to create the look of a realistic waterfall. The fourth competitor on stage was Josh Lund. Lund, sticking with his star theme, clipped on tiny stars with metallic strands on his muzzle. He also dressed like a Jedi, holding a toy lightsaber. “Participating in this event was quite the
cherry on top of my day; I never thought CSI would take “personal growth” so literally,” Lund exclaimed. Lastly, was Rayna Lucas with her beard being maintained and shaped with a spiral candle holder with led tea light candles while singing a Bollywood song. The contestants then walked off of the stage while the judges formed questions for the grooming round. After cleaning off their beards, the contestants walked onto stage with Josh Lund slipping on his beard and toppling on Rayna Lucas. Another bout of laughter came from the audience. Both contestants picked themselves up and stood their ground. As the round went on, the contestants were asked several questions such as: “How do you maintain your beard? What compelled you to grow your beard? Who is your beard-spiration? What are your feelings for an eternal Movember?” Though most contestants answered them
correctly, a few went off script. As Leo Carr came up to stage, instead of answering the question, he sang an aria about his love for beards. Memorably, Josh Lund broke down as he named George Carlin as his beard-spiration. After tough decisions, the judges named Rayna Lucas as the first place winner, Leo Carr as second place winner and Josh Lund coming in third. Exactly one minute after the winner was crowned, Lund took a pair of garden shears and furiously hacked off his beard. The audience glanced in a shocked stupor as this happened. He was promptly asked to leave the stage and was stripped of his title, which was then given to Larry Davis. In spite of the incident, the event was deemed a success as the audience had heavy demands for a beard growing club. Following these demands, CSI approved the beard growing club to start next fall.
“Public Safety Caught Smoking Pot” Continued from front Page super senior said as he pushed the director of the Health and Welfare office out of the way. Once NYPD officers arrived on the scene, they asked for everyone except the Public Safety officers to leave. After a 15 minute wait, the NYPD emerged, with even more fumes exiting the room and filling the hallway, and briefed the annoyed Banner staff on what was to happen next. An Officer Anthony stared blankly into our reporters face and raised his arm, open his fist, and gaze at his fingers. “Oh, right,” the officer finally said. “We, uh, told ‘em to stay in here. “Based on what (coughing) people on campus have told us, they’re just as useful in here as they are out patrolling.”
Photo Credit: Jéan-Claude Quintyne
“Yo, there was pot everywhere and I was like, I’m stoned, bruh. Wait, where am I?” said a CSI senior present at the Intervention
Photo Credit: Jéan-Claude Quintyne
CSI Hires Corpses to Drive Loop Buses
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Finally, Students get Lively Transportation Servicemen BY JÉAN-CLAUDE QUINTYNE Because of millions of complaints regarding the lackadaisical demeanor of Loop Bus drivers, the College of Staten Island on April 1 hired corpses to take their place. The bold move came after the regular drivers wouldn’t return to work after a 30 minute smoke break. “This is a ground-breaking moment for CSI,” said President Fritz, “No pun intended.” Being a passenger on the Loop bus has been controversial for the last few years. Complaints ranging from the quality of the buses themselves to the bad, and sometimes frightening, attitude of the drivers have plagued the domestic leg of the campus transportation service. “A majority of complaints center around the dead personality the drivers have,” Fritz added, “we thought we’d take it to the next level.” The corpses will be supplied by Don’t Worry ‘Bout Where They Came From Inc., a family company. The first shipment arrived this morning. Handlers from the suppliers removed the bodies from run-down refrigerators and placed them in the drivers seat of each bus, fastening their feet to the gas pedal and roping their heads--which are suspected to bob often--to the lever that opens the door The handlers then instructed Campus Sanitation to call their boss, Tony Bigotti for maintenance tips. In preparation for what to do when the
Photo Credit: Jéan-Claude Quintyne
bodies begin to smell, campus administration said Mr. Bigotti scoffed, “Just open the window.” “Pot also gets rid of the smell,” Fritz said when The Banner pressed him. “Just ask Public Safety. They have tons of it.” “So, are they, like, still gonna go on those 10 minute smoke breaks?” Sophie Tonioni, a junior asked. “Cause, like, those old drivers make me late to my three-hour selfie-in-the-Campus-Center sessions all the time.” Every bus is to have a spotter, who will
lift the leg of the corpse off the pedal when a passenger requests a stop.The sudden jerk that results from that stop will then cause the body’s head to bob forward, moving the lever that will open the door. Last week, during a test drive, a mini collision occured in front of 1P, when, in an attempt to slow the bus down, the corpse’s leg fell off. “Yeah, we’ve received some rotten ones,” James Michaels, a freshman and spotter-in-training said. “Most of ‘em are in top shape. Bigotti told us they were ‘eatin tons of
fishes.’ Wait a minute.” When the regular drivers received the news, they threw up their hands in celebration, swinging their reflective vests in the air, slitting the Loop bus tires, and removing full bottles of whisky from them. “I’m free I tell ya, freeeeeeee!” one driver screeched. “I’m looking forward to not having to watch them switch drivers in the middle of a trip,” Toniono said as the Loop crashed into a tree. “The relief that there won’t be anymore delays is incredible.”
Hot Ass Mixtape Causes Dolphin Cove to Burst into Flames BY CLIFFORD MICHEL
What Happens When You Release True, Honest, Real Art
Several fire trucks were dispatched to Dolphin Cove’s South Building after an up and coming rapper released his mixtape at a launch party. The fire, which burned straight through several housing units, was caused by the mixtape itself, officials said. There are hundreds of entrepreneurs living in the dorms but rapper Forever-Broke has proved himself well above my peers. Forever-Broke popped his new CD for all 12 of his supporters and as the first track reached its peak the room spontaneously combusted. Forever-Broke claims that his music was so on point, that it caused the room to burst into flames. “This always happens to me. I’ve been in the mixtape game for years,” Forever-Broke told reporters during a press conference. “Granted I’ve only sold 25 copies, but I’m on the come up.” Forever-Broke’s release party was in honor of his mixtape, “Broke as Hell.” The mixtape divulges into diverse themes of money, bitches, the grind, and the frustrations of CUNY-First. As he raps over several stolen/non-accredited beats, true hip-
hop fans can see through his half-assed flow and mediocre lines and ultimately see what many have seen in the works of Pablo Picasso: originality, daring, and raw unfiltered talent for his medium. As the FDNY examined the track listing and lyrics, they discovered that the mixtape was some hot ass fire. Forever-Broke’s entourage--formally known as his “squad”--was turning up the
hour until they were brought back in. The party goers were annoyed that Forever-Broke didn’t even warm up to his mixtape with modern contemporaries, such as Chief Keef, Joey Bada$$, or Lil Durk. Multiple students who attended the party reported that it was obvious that a mixtape of such high quality would catch fire. “Forever-Broke is a grinder, he raps in his closet—it’s obvious that anyone with
“Forever-Broke is a grinder, he raps in his closet—it’s obvious that anyone with that much flow and passion would overload a laptop speaker” night before classes began when the laptop used to play his music caught fire. Multiple sources say that the music was so life changing, the laptop’s basic specs and wiring couldn’t take it. All 452 residents were evacuated from the building after the fire spread to the north. In an attempt to make up for the inconvenience, Forever-Broke handed out free copies of his mixtape to the freezing residents, who kindly declined. The students were outside for over an
that much flow and passion would overload a laptop speaker” said Pablo Martinez, a Macaulay Honors student and Gates Millennium Scholar conducting undergraduate research at CSI. “He wasn’t even using Beats audio, bro.” Forever-Broke has lived in the dorms for two semesters and has been cited for multiple infractions. The young MC has been written up for blasting Drake from his dorm room at three in the morning--he was feeling down about
his mixtape sales. Forever-Broke also was written up for hosting 300 female guests in his room at one time, promising a rapper better than Kendrick Lamar, which turned out to be himself. Forever-Broke also took the liberty of replacing all of the textbooks in the school’s library with copies of his mixtape, claiming that his music itself is quite similar to the experience of a formal education. Unfortunately, Forever-Broke’s GPA has dropped like he dropped the mic at his last Campus Center performance. After the incidents in his room and his 1.0 GPA, he has been asked by CSI President William Fritz, who simply doesn’t appreciate art, to leave the campus and never come back. When Forever-Broke mailed in his last tuition check, he attached a signed copy of his latest mixtape. “It’s been real CSI,” said Forever-Broke, wiping tears away from his face. “Y’all haven’t seen the last of me. This is a journey, and I’ll forever be on my grind.” Forever-Broke has reportedly been attending Kingsborough Community College ever since.
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bananana lifestyles 20 Mistakes Women Make in their 20s
BY LOREN TRAPANESE
Super Secret Secrets the Media Doesn’t Want Us to Know
1. Not going tanning: The rumors are false. Tanning actually does wonders for your skin. Consistent tanning will not only give your skin the most flattering shade of orange, but it will also make you look way older. Tanning causes the smoothness of the epidermis to form little wrinkles which give you that hot older woman look. Here’s the deal breaker, tanning doesn’t cause cancer… it cures it! So, all of those rumors you hear about tanning being soooo bad for you are entirely not true. Tanning makes us look all the more better so girls, grab your lotion and hit the salon! 2. Um, who needs cocktails? Beer is better: Ladies, beer is actually the healthiest form of alcohol. The term “beer belly” is a fallacy—beer causes no such thing. Carbs, on carbs, on carbs all causes a wonderful little buzz that makes us forget how not being bloated feels. Plus, cocktails, martinis, and margaritas are obviously way more expensive than a bottle of brew. Guzzle it up girls. 3. But, who really needs water anyways? How many times are we told that not drinking enough water is terribly bad for you? TOO MANY, and for what reason? Oh yeah, it’s good for your: skin, hair, nails, weight-loss, wrinkles, yada, yada, yada. I call blasphemy! Water is not even a necessary or even detrimental factor in any of those things listed above. So, no, you don’t have to drink ridiculous amounts of water. Soda is one hundred times better anyway—it doesn’t make you gain weight, it’s actually used to lose weight. Read about it. 4. Moisturizing is for…nobody: Skin care should be like, the least of your worries right now. Moisturizing daily doesn’t really do much such as: tone your skin, tighten your skin, or maintaining healthy, younger looking skin as you get older. Yup, all BS. So you shouldn’t really bother taking the ten extra minutes after showering to lather your bod in moisturizer. Your skin will look way smoother and younger without it. 5. “I lift things up and put them down”: Working out is honestly, the worst physical activity a woman in her twenties can do. You want lose weight? Um, the gym is not the place to go. You get hit on by juice-head guys, you sweat (yuck!), and you start to look all defined and cut. That doesn’t look good in a bikini. Netflix has a better idea, stay home, nuzzle up, eat some popcorn, and watch movies. Now that is how you get that summer bod that you’ve been complaining about for like, months. Plus, Netflix is $7.99 a month while the gym is $20. You can’t go wrong. Working out makes you fat, don’t do it. 6. Not drunk texting: I am being SO se-
rious ladies, if you do not drunk text how do you expect to make those smart decisions of getting frisky with your ex at 3am? Exactly. It is a mandatory part of getting wasted. Then you get to wake up the next day and realize how absolutely amazing it was, and bonus, you’re obviously going to get back together. 7. Not washing your hair enough— greasy is way in this season: Beauty sites are complete and utter liars. Washing your hair everyday is proper hygiene; it doesn’t take away from your hair’s natural vitamins and definitely doesn’t make your hair greasy. Washing your hair every other day is damage control 101 for your hair. It takes away the silky, greasy look that really makes your hair stand out. Why would you want to do that? So, when they tell you that washing your hair too much is bad for you, throw up your hands and walk away. 8. Thin eyebrows are the look to rock: Tweezers are a girl’s best friend; don’t let anyone take them away from you. This new thick eyebrows look is so outdated. Hair is
early twenties. You’ve only been dating for four months? That is the perfect time to do it. Playing house is fabulous, plus you get nookie, like whenever you want it. You and your partner are obviously not breaking up so you have to live together or else it’s not meant to be. 12. Why haven’t you said “I do” yet? You’re 23 and you haven’t gotten married yet? What are you doing wrong? Clearly something. Ladies, listen up, getting married is one thing that has to be done in your twenties. It’s crystal clear that you and your partner have no other choice than to get married as quickly as possible. Bonus, you’ve got the hot bod to rock the perfect dress. What better way to say “I do” then while you’re still young, hot, and not established in a career yet? 13. You’re not pregnant? You dun’ messed up: It is so totally adorable to have a baby while you’re in your twenties. There is no better dress-up accessory. You and your partner are missing out on
“Why haven’t you said ‘I do’ yet? You’re 23 and you haven’t gotten married yet? What are you doing wrong? Clearly something.”
bad anywhere that isn’t on your head, period. Get those tweezers out and pluck away. Pluck, pluck, pluck until you have a nice thin arch. Nothing is sexier. 9. Not being jealous of like, all the girls who are hotter than you: Jealousy is not a bad thing, it doesn’t make you psycho or less attractive—don’t listen to that crap. Jealousy is way hot. Guys love it. When you see a girl in a bar that looks way better than you, go on with your badself and shit on her life. Every time you see a girl that is more attractive than you, you need to rip her apart because it makes you feel so much better about how you look. Get it girl. 10. Getting eight hours of sleep: No, no, and no. Ever hear the saying, “Sleep is for the weak?” It’s so true. Sleep isn’t a necessity. It doesn’t help you focus, lose weight, or repair the body. It makes you waste time that you could be out partying and having fun. So, no, it is not a health issue if you’re not getting enough sleep. You don’t want to miss out on anything that happens at 2:30am on a Tuesday. 11. Not being bunk buddies with your partner: If you are in relationship, you must move in with your significant other. It is a serious part of knowing that you’re right for each other, especially when you’re in your
really living life if you don’t have a child together before your thirties. Seriously though, babies are way chic. Plus, if you want to keep your man, what better way to do so than to have his kid? Birth control is overrated anyways, and condoms stink—literally. Babies are better than purses. 14. Why don’t you and your boyfriend have a puppy? Hello, you need a practice child: It can’t get anymore logical than this: you and your partner don’t live together (or maybe you do), and you buy a puppy. Who has sole custody? Is there dog-support involved? Clearly, in order to take that huge step of preparing for your future child together, you must get a canine. It seriously helps you understand what having a baby entails as far as responsibility. Puppies also get fed twice a day and are trained on wee-wee pads. The experience of buying a dog with your partner will determine whether or not you’ll both be good parents. Highly recommended. 15. Everyone on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat should know your business: Social media is the cheapest form of therapy. I am not lying. Sites create copious amounts of quotes and memes that describe every possible situation you may be
in, so that you can share it with your fellow followers. Trust me, they want to know everything going on in your life from: the type of guys (or girls) you want, how you want guys/girls to treat you, what kind of guy/girl they should be, how fun it is being single, how badly you “don’t need a man,” and so on and so forth. Your followers enjoy reading every quote you post. They definitely don’t judge you or make fun of you for it either. So go on and let it all hang out on social media. 16. Did you check the gram within the last three seconds? Looking up from your cell phone/laptop is a serious crime. You need to know exactly what everyone is doing at all times. “Who wore what outfit?” “Where did they go?” “OMG they hooked up?” are all questions that are imperative to your survival throughout the day. Ignore when adults tell you that you spend too much time attached your electronic devices. You need to be up to date at all times. The news is not important. 17. Going on a “friendcation” instead of a romantic getaway with bae: Bae is more important than friends. Bae is priority. You cannot decide to take a vacation with just your group of gals (friendcation). Unacceptable. Bae is the one who you should go on ALL of your vacations with, not your gal-pals. They aren’t going to be in your life forever, bae is. Don’t make a mistake and wind up regretting going away without bae. 18. Wrinkle cream causes wrinkles, duh: Starting ahead of time on getting rid of wrinkles is the dumbest idea you’ve ever had. Wrinkle creams do not do away with frown lines, forehead lines, or any line that you don’t want on your precious Mona Lisa. They actually give you more wrinkles. So, neglecting wrinkle cream is way healthier for your skin. 19. Settling is totally your BFF: Obviously, you can’t get better, do better, want better, or deserve better. Settling is the best way to play it safe in your twenties. You’ll look back on your life one day and realize that all of those wishes for something more, were a waste of time. Taking a risk and giving up on something that makes you question your worth, is not worth it. YOLO—so don’t avoid settling. 20. You shouldn’t go out, sitting home is way better: Your twenties are your time to shine. Don’t spend them partying every night when you could be home relaxing. You want to reminisce on how relaxing and peaceful your twenties were, and wasting time on frivolous partying is definitely a choice you’ll regret. Who needs the Jersey Shore? Vegas? Atlantic City? Or Miami? When you have a comfy couch at home and a fridge full of company. Homebodies for the win!
bananana lifestyles Joan Rivers Returns, Shits on Current Styles BY VICTORIA PRIOLA
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Comedian Reminds Us What Judgment Day Really Means
Joan Rivers returned on April 1 to give a keynote speech that addressed the state of today’s fashion in Manhattan’s Waldorf Astoria. The hall, completely decked out with glittery bannisters, chandeliers, and decorations that accented the bright, white lights, featured many of todays prominent celebrities and pioneers of the fashion universe. With her face obviously unscathed, body parts falling off--illuminated beautifully in the hall’s white light--and dripping with spioled blood, Joan Rivers limped to the podium and addressed the hall. She was obviously the best dressed, with a dirt-white, tattered silk evening gown. Audiences gasped and erupted into cheer when they noticed her pearl-worm necklace. “I just wanted to say, thank you for having me as your special guest here tonight. Heaven is great--it really is--but it’s just not the same without the Fashion Police.” She pronounced her words impeccably, adjusting her voice box, which kept falling out, every 15 seconds. “I mean, where else can you shit on top celebrity fashion choices and get paid for it? I do, however, have some catching up to do so let’s just get right into it.” Rivers directed her attention to the left side of the hall, placing her glass of wine down on the neon pink stand beside her and continued.
Source: vulture.com
“I just want to say before I start--thank God none of you wore “The Dress” for tonight’s show. Jesus Christ--blue and black, white and gold--what does it matter? I think we can all agree that we see an ugly ass dress that serves a greater purpose in a bathroom as toilet paper than on social media.” Adjusting her dislocated shoulder, she dusted it off and tilted her head to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “Speaking of shit, let’s talk about Kanye West’s clothing line at Fashion Week earlier this year. The display looked like The Hunger Games meets Nazi Germany. It’s really sad when your one year old daughter [North] looks better than your whole collection.” “I’d love to comment on what Kim has
been wearing lately but it seems to be nothing,” Rivers continued. “I haven’t seen you clothed since you broke the Internet, so I think we should give Kim K some credit for covering herself up for us tonight. It must be nice to sit around all day and take naked photos, but that doesn’t seem to be an outfit to buy on your Kim Kardashian Hollywood game. Maybe you should get on that.” She then turned her attention to George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin, unable to contain laughter. “So sorry I missed the wedding George, but the two of you make a great pair. It’s about time you give your right hand a rest and let a lady take care of you, right?” “Amal, I do have to say--though Giuliana
Rancic told you she liked your white gloves at the Golden Globes and then talked badly about them the next day on Fashion Police; I will tell you up front that this was your best look of 2015.” “The gloves remind me of the ones plastic surgeons wear,” Rivers blurted after a long sip of wine that audiences noticed leaking out of her stomach. “Take it from me; I was an expert in that department. You guys are competing with Beyoncé and Jay Z for the power couple of the year in my book. Quick, let’s bring them to an elevator with Amal’s sister and settle the score.” Rivers took another sip from her glass and hobbled over to the center of the stage. She sat herself down on a giant throne draped in gold, zebra patterns and animal fur, turing to the right of the hall. “I see we have the lovely Taylor Swift in the audience. It’s refreshing to see you. Your dating life has reminded me that nothing has changed since I’ve been gone.” I really like the way you’ve been dressing this year. Your style is very Kate Middleton meets Kate Upton. Just don’t turn “50 Shades of Grey” on us. Selena Gomez, I’m so happy you could join us tonight as well. What happened with you and Justin Bieber must have been rough.” “But don’t worry about him too much,” she concluded. “If Britney Spears can get through 2007, he can get through this.”
Year of the Fork: Astrologists Discover New Horoscope Sign
BY DENNISE DEJESUS
As humans, we normally wonder what would happen to us in the present and the future. Often out of curiosity, we try predict our future using tarot cards, palm readings and crystal balls. But for a daily dose of prediction, we often rely on horoscope readings. Unlike the other methods, the benefit of horoscopes is the convenience of reading them every day. Along with convenience, horoscopes are very diverse in predictions. Predictions can often lead to events in the future such as your experiences with money, your love life and health. In total, there are twelve astrological signs that connect us through the stars. For the most part, we rely on these signs we are born and given with. In recent news, astrologists have just discovered a new horoscope sign. Experts and the public alike have been baffled at the appearance of the new sign. Based on elements and the stars, the common fork was selected as the new astrological sign. As the new sign, the fork has an unusual time period compared to conventional signs. Normally, a conventional sign lasts for one month. The fork, on the other hand, only
affects those born from 12:00 a.m. to 11:59 p.m. on April 1. With symbolic meaning, the fork was chosen as the new astrological sign from the origins of the triton. The triton was used as a fishing or a hunting tool. It was also used in folklore to create a sense of protection or to rule the waters. The fork was used for a sign instead of a triton due to astrologists thinking that triton’s are “not cool” and “outdated.” After the addition of the fork in astrological signs, new religions and cults revolving around the fork have popped up around the world. Famously, a group called the “Dinglehoppers” performed large rituals in town squares by combing their long locks with a fork. Personality-wise, people born on the fork have acquired traits and looks such as a prickly personality, a long body, and a sharp head that can pick up things--or are capable picking up things themselves. Additionally like a tuning fork, they are inclined to be musically in tune and aspire to have their lives in perfect harmony. Many fork people become musicians, conductors, mathematicians, scientists, or farmers. Romantically, the perfect match for a
person born on the fork is another fork. Typically, a fork woman desires a tall man who can sweep her off her feet. Since picking up things is a mastered ability for fork men, it can please the fork woman’s essential desire. As the fork is a metal element, both parties will create a steel union. When two forks align, they create a relationship that sticks two heads together, making a connection impossible to break. Still, there are drawbacks such as similar prickly personalities that make their partner’s feelings like painful jabs. With other signs, they can be more or less compatible with personality and nature. The worst compatibility match for a person born on the fork is a person born on the spoon. A spoon, born on February 29, has the complete opposite traits of a fork. A spoon person is more open minded and optimistic to ideals compared to the narrow thinking of a fork person. Spoon people see the world through a round perspective, while fork people see it straight and blunt. Records of couples that are spoon and fork often end drastically since the forks act sharp and often take jabs at spoons. Despite the fact that both signs are metal, both have a tendency to clash depending on lifestyles. According to today’s horoscope read-
ings, “Forks often are known for their straightforwardness and their sharp minds. Though being sharp minded has its attributes, it can wear off those simple pleasures in life. Just take today to relax and reflect on yourself. In regards to your love life, find a sharp minded person that will be physically and emotionally in tune with your pointy personality. Knives are your best match and spoons are your worst. Stay away from any plastic cutlery because they repel sharpness and create fakery amongst utensils. Additionally, your lottery numbers are 2-7-7-8-3-6-4.” Overall, this change in horoscopes is not particularly bad. Though it slightly shifts it along with the other cutlery horoscopes, the main twelve horoscopes are to not be affected majorly. Each conventional horoscope will maintain the same flow, while new horoscopes will gain new talents, matches, and predictions among the years. Additionally, with the changes, there are now talks of people creating a spirit animal from the fork. No matter how this ends up, it all comes down to the human belief of predicting the future and being aligned with the stars.
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bananana arts “Sharknado 2: The Second One” BY LUCIA ROSSI What’s better than a sharknado in Calfornia? A double sharknado in New York City! It only gets better with the sequel “Sharknado 2: The Second One.” Although most sequels tend to be disappointing, “Sharknado 2” takes a big bite of your heart with laughter, sorrow, anger and shock. This movie proves that sharks are the new zombies. When the sequel first appeared on television in July 30, 2014, it was viewed by 3.9 million people, thus making it Syfy channel’s highest premiering film. Tara Reid and Ian Ziering reprise their roles from the first film as April Wexler and Fin Shepard. They go to New York to promote April’s book called, “How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters,” which for you, die-hard shark fans, is an actual book released in real life. The crazy hot and cold weather that New York has, causes the tornadoes to form, which pick up the hungry and angry sharks that just so happened to swim in New York waters. While in New York, Fin also meets his old high school sweetheart, Skye, played by Vivica A. Fox, who then joins his fight to save the city. Viewers will be glad to notice the many cameo appearances of A-list celebrities like Kelly Osbourne, Andy Dick, Billy Ray Cyrus, Kelly Ripa, Michael Strahan, Michael Gelman, and Al Roker. The film’s director,
Bro, It’s Sharknado, Just Go See It
Source: morbidofest.net
Anthony C. Ferrante, also makes a cameo appearance as a man playing guitar on the subway. The film has top-notch action sequences in which it’s man vs. shark. New Yorkers don’t back down easily and everyone defends themselves against the sea monsters with unconventional weapons. Sharks were made into fish fillets with chainsaws, swords, buzz saws, bombs, flamethrowers, shovels, axes, and even umbrellas. Although New Yorkers fought hard, there were of course many casualties. Their deaths were both shocking, upsetting and unforget-
table. People were having their heads bitten off left and right or their bodies squashed beneath a falling massive shark from the sky. At any moment, a shark could fly in from the ceiling or window and kill you. The suspense was very unpredictable. This movie can get very gory, so be watchful of the children who view it. You will be amazed with the extremely advanced CGI effects. The sharks look so real, as if they are going to fly right into your face and swallow you whole. You follow Fin on his heroic journey to save New York from on top of the skyscrap-
ers to the inside of the tornado itself. It all seemed so realistic, I almost felt my fear of heights kick in. Even so, his bravery was truly awe-inspiring. This movie makes many subtle references and jokes towards the films “Jaws” and “Airplane!” Many of the secondary characters were named after characters from Jaws. The airplane April and Fin took to NYC is flight 209 just like the doomed one in “Airplane!” The name of the band that sang the sharknado anthems is called Quint, which is the name of Robert Shaw’s character in “Jaws.” Also, there is an after-credit scene with Fin eating pizza, which was a homage to the after-credit scene in “The Avengers.” One of the most moving scenes of the film was when Fin Shepard motivates New Yorkers to fight for their lives with this encouraging and inspiring speech,”I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. They’re sharks. They’re scary. No one wants to get eaten. But I’ve been eaten. And I’m here to tell you it takes a lot more than that to bring a good man down. A lot more than that to bring a New Yorker down. Let’s go show them what it means to be a hero. Let’s go show them what it means to be a New Yorker. Let’s go kill some sharks!” A new plot twist involving aliens will be coming with their next installment, Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, which is set to premiere on July 22, 2015 on the Syfy Channel.
Drizzy and T-Swift to Release Super Awesome Sad Romance Album “If You’re Reading This, It’s 1989” So F%@#!$% Sad it Made Obama Cry
BY CLIFFORD MICHEL
Gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial for what historians argued was the largest gathering in U.S. history, executives from Big Machine Records and OVO Sounds announced that Aubrey Drake Graham and Taylor Alison Swift, the two overemotional demigods, will be releasing an album on April 2. The release, titled “If You’re Reading This, It’s 1989,” has been a long time waiting for Americans everywhere. Many hope that the release will usher in a new world order that will cause oppressing institutions to fail. Others believe that it’ll just give them a good cry. “Now let me be clear, Congress and myself have failed you,” said a teary-eyed Barack Obama, a self-proclaimed Swiftie. “But with these 16 tracks at our disposal, I can honestly say that the American dream is still alive and well.” Mr. Obama, though well intentioned, is misspoken. Mr. Drizzy and Ms. Swift included four bonus tracks, totaling 20 tracks. Scientists worked tirelessly to combine Ms. Swift’s breakup ballads with Mr. Drizzy’s sing-song l’m-so-damn-lonely-and-
rich-esque raps. The album features a rich narrative as it follows a young woman (Ms. Swift) who is constantly finding love and her dark subconscious (Mr. Drizzy) who knows deep down that it’s all worth nothing. “I know we literally just released an album a few months ago, but we know that this is what the country truly needs right now,” Ms. Swift told fans who collapsed into tears at her sight.
asked to remain anonymous. “You should know this, man, it’s Drizzy and T-Swift.” Mr. Drizzy was also scheduled to speak, but claimed he found true love in two Atlanta strippers who approached the OVO rapper backstage. Mr. Drizzy was then seen telling the two ladies about his Jewish heritage and explaining what love truly means to him. Mr. Drizzy was found crying in his dressing room two hours later: his gold chains and social security card were missing.
“I know we literally just released an album a few months ago, but we know that this is what the country truly needs right now.” “Working with Drake and our 53 other producers and writers has been such an intimate experience. The result is true unfiltered art.” Both labels said that they were both ready to release all 20 tracks as singles, but decided to refrain from such drastic action due to concerns cited by the Federal Reserve Bank. “We would have what we call an overstimulated economy,” said one banker, who
Though the announcement was made on a Wednesday morning, many ditched work, family, school, and other responsibilities to be where the heart told them to go. “I left my son at home alone to hear this in person,” said Chirlane Johnson, a 34 year old from New York City. “At first I was really nervous, because he’s three. But now that I’m here, I know I did the right thing.” Others were confused by the interview
process and believed that The Banner had special access to Ms. Swift and Mr. Drizzy. “Please, I love him,” said Stephanie Hu, who lifted up her shirt several times to show that she was “down with the shits.” Homeland Security, which expected a million attendees, became concerned when the crowd swelled up to 3.5 million. Mr. Drizzy quelled security concerns, explaining that the additional 2.5 million were simply “the fam from Toronto,” who shut down municipal operations to celebrate the momentous occasion. UPDATE: Graham and Swift were dating and have now realized that they are simply not meant for each other. The two will instead release two separate releases about their harrowing and difficult time with each other. Reports say Graham’s album will be an overproduced lost-love tragedy masked with heavy misogyny. Similar sources have verified that Swift will have a similar concept and production structure, but will take pictures with a guitar to maintain her authenticity. Despite not having been released, both albums have sold out and have been certified platinum.
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bananana arts Tetris Blocks its Way onto Xbox One Consoles If You Aren’t Playing this Now, Literally, Right Now, You’re an Idiot
BY JÉAN-CLAUDE QUINTYNE Listen up: Forget about Call of Duty: Black Ops, Halo, and Destiny, and all that other shit. What you should be playing now is Tetris. Yup, I’m talking about Tetris, that extravagant game all of you have on your state of the art flip phones and Blackberrys that’s 30 years old. It has surpassed every game in existence as the greatest game ever and has made its way to the Xbox One and will be sold out pretty soon. The genius creator of Tetris--what’s her name again?--took the initiative and brought the bit-wonder over to the beast that is Xbox. I’m not kidding, she physically took a Tetris
game on a flip phone and put it on top of an Xbox. Let’s start with the graphics. They are phenominal: Watching a block--a colorful block, I might add--shimmy down a screen at four frames per second gives your eyes a most intense orgasm. It, put simply, is the experience all of you need in your lives. It is totes worth dropping out of school for. And just think about watching this on an high definition 50-inch flat screen television: it will be so blown out and pixelated, that you’ll be able to count the pixels of the pixelated image. Badass, right? This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, people, wouldn’t you want to constantly Source: geeksofdoom.com
squint at the screen and have difficulty determining what the shape of the block is? You don’t get it, it’s just so damn superior to Halo in every possible way! I mean, who would want to spend their afternoon shooting hyperrealistic aliens in the face and engaging in extremely intense battles filled with explosions, gory deaths, and cinematic cutscenes, when you can lay back and try to get rainbow-colored blocks to fit in place with even more rainbow-colored blocks? Tetris just, does it for me, you know? And it’ll do it for you, too. Just ask your mother for her old Blackberry--everybody had one, don’t front--and get lit! Just the other day, I got a raging [exple-
tive] when I got the last block in--it was blue, by the way, when was the last time you saw something blue in Halo? I almost didn’t think it was going to fit, because I kept changing the orientation but, at the last possible second, it fit! Yeah, that’s right, I won and there was a message written in tiny caps on the screen saying I did. You don’t get that kind of courtesy in Halo. There’s just this sad music and melancholy credit scroll at the end, there’s nothing to congratulate you. That sucks. You’d be crazy not to hop on this excitement train right now. If I were you--I don’t really want to be you, just listen--I’d, (breaks into sobs) actually get a life and play Halo.
Source: geeksofdoom.com
Move Over Mark Twain, Here Comes Dr. Seuss BY MATTHEW MCKENNA Dr. Seuss’s best book is “Green Eggs and Ham.” The detail and imagery put into this book should be made into a great Disney movie. Its idea of persistence and trying new things is a great influence for his readers. The book follows a persistent creature named Sam. He goes around the area he lives to get other creatures to eat his favorite food, green eggs and ham. When he finds a grumpy creature to offer his meal to, it refuses over and over, but Sam follows him everywhere. Eventually, the creature realizes that Sam won’t leave him alone and when he tries it, he falls in love and it becomes his favorite food. This book is really enjoyable. The art design for each character is well detailed and creative. Some are based off real animals with an interesting twist. Along with being creative, they are also very colorful. What are the most enjoyable are the characters’ personalities. Sam is as innocent as a child and is very persistent when it comes to sharing his favorite things in the world.
The grumpy creature, a stereotype of old men, doesn’t care for anything and just wants to be left alone. He reminds me of a ventriloquist dummy named Walter that has the same attitude, but one similarity that they have is they’re both wooden. The idea to make a movie based off this book is currently in the works. The Blue Sky production company are still looking for writers and a cast. Leaked information suggests that they wish to cast Logan Lerman as Sam, and as the grumpy creature, Samuel L. Jackson. They also want George R. R. Martin to write the script because they want to make this book into a dark kid’s movie, trying to teach a lesson on needing things. The ideal release date is to be January 13, 2020 because they want to make the movie as long as the Lord of the Rings franchise by creating sequels to the book and have cameos from characters in other Dr. Seuss books such as Cat in the Hat and The Grinch. The only bad things about this book is that it was too short, and the book could have used a bit more clever rhymes. Source: sandiegoreader.com
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bananana opinions The Greatest (College???) in The History of History Why I Love CSI
BY PRESIDENT BLACK JESUS The relationship we proud CSI students have with this institution can be correlated with those intricacies an abused spouse has with his or her partner. You know, that moment, when you ask the abused why he or she stays and the person replies, “You don’t know America like I know America. You don’t love America like I love America.” Well, that’s exactly how I feel about CSI. Except, I want to get rid of that nasty word, “abusive,” because that’s just plain damn wrong. CSI is incredible--it’s the pinnacle of the pinnacle of the pinnacle, and I’ll tell you why... At no other institution can you consistently expect TAP at the end of the semester, it was one of the greatest features that came with the switch to CUNYfirst-which I’ll get to later--that accented struggling through a semester with style. It’s a thrill ride that speaks of CSI’s pioneering culture. And speaking of culture, may we talk about the overwhelming involvement that comes from students? I recall those glorious moments last semester when we at The Bananana tried to start “Humans of CSI,” a photo experiment that aimed to bring the people of every crevice of the campus community to center stage, and were turned down
Photo Credit: Jéan-Claude Quintyne
You can still get your own piece of CSI history (lol) because the shards have not been cleaned up yet
by 99.9999 percent of every person we approached. You just can’t imagine how much the tears of joy welled up in my eyes as I experienced firsthand how highly students care. Students care so much, that they leave tons upon tons upon tons of garbage in the cafeteria in 1C just for the janitors to swim in on their breaks! How thoughtful, right? At no other institution can you have your entire collegiate existence wiped clean because of a CUNYfirst update. I have this friend who, one afternoon while attempting to check his grades on
CUNYfirst, discovered that he didn’t exitst and was never a student at CSI. He tried signing in over and over again until he got fed up and went to the Bursar, who also assured him that he didn’t exist. Don’t get jealous of my friend, though, because several other “students” don’t exist either, and you could be next! Another thing I love about CSI is the quality of some of the campus’s architecture and the state-of-the-art designs. I don’t know how the school gets its flourescent lightbulbs to explode in my face. Just the other day I was skipping to the Bananana office when a lightbulb
spontaneously exploded in my face. I would have cleaned up the shards, but I fell through one of the missing ceiling tiles on the floor--just go with it, okay? You go, CSI, always putting our health and welfare first. Who needs coffee when you can get jolted awake by the kind women at the Bursar? You simply don’t know how badly you need to be reminded that you don’t know shit about the hundreds of twists and turns it takes to process your financial aid at 10am by someone who’s really upset for who-knows-what reason. And let us not forget about the newest additions to campus, the shopping cart borrowin’, Tuesday night clubbin’ dorm crew! Don’t you just love the potent smell of pot as you stroll through that crevice between the Trump Mansion-esque dorm buildings? I remember getting lost between there once after a late night at the office. I was super tired, so, naturally, I yawned. All of a sudden the clouds started dancing and the buildings got up and walked away. There are many more reasons why CSI is the greatest college in the history of history, and I don’t mean to cut things short, but I want to hear from you all! Email me at howinthehelldidiwriteanarticleaboutthis@saveyourselfandtransfer.net.
Bananana Exclusive! An Interview with the EIC
BY PRINCESS DIANA
Jéan Claude Quintyne what kind of name is that? Like is that french or what? Someone tell me! Anyway, this piece isn’t about me. I’m going to just rip this guy apart because I can. J.C., as most people call him, is not only the Editor ‘n chief of The Bananana but he also likes to talk to inanimate objects on his free time and walk on the ledge of skyscrapers because he can be a junkie sometimes--adrenaline junkie, I mean. He LOVES to eat anything with meat! If you ever get to meet this fine gentleman in person, be sure to bring him a cheeseburger. He also answers to the name Prince, because, well, he looks like Prince. I hear he is a great cook, so he tells me himself, so I don’t really know the truth behind that. Hey ladies, by the way, my friend is recently single too! You can find him usually in the office sitting at a computer staring at the computer screens listening to Jimi Hendrix, if you want to get his digits. Did I mention he loves meat?
His job is pretending he runs a school newspaper, and prints a paper that does not really exist. He does this pretty well, too. I mean, I still see this publication around campus as opposed to the others. When you’re in his presence DO NOT look him directly in the eyes under any circumstances! He does not like that at all. He
something that took me by surprise, constantly wearing all black with a bike chain hanging from his belt loops. His clothing definitely matches his personality by default. Not only did he not give me much of an interview, but as soon as I walked in the door I felt a cold draft hit me right in the face.
“When he is not drinking coffee or talking to inanimate objects, you might see him riding his bike across campus like the Wicked Witch of the West from ‘The Wizard of Oz.’”
might even run away if you look at him for more than half a second. Yeah, that can be a tad scary. “I’m here so I don’t get sued” said Quintyne, after I had about two minutes to interview him in The Bananana office. I realized that he lets his sense of fashion do the talking for him. From my interview, those were the only words I was able to get from him. But his fashion sense is
J.C. is an avid tea time person. But, to him it is more like coffee time almost every moment of the day. We all know our bodies are made up of 70 percent water, but, my friend JC here is made up of 70 percent coffee. When he is not drinking coffee or talking to inanimate objects, you might see him riding his bike across campus like the Wicked Witch of the West from “The Wiz-
ard of Oz.” I have heard from some other members of The Bananana that he is very hard on them if the slightest bit of their writing is not the way he wants it. “He yelled at me and made me cry because my hard news article was not spaced correctly,” said Victoria Priola the Lifestyles editor at The Bananana. This is not the first time I have heard this from members of The Bananana about their Editor ‘n Chief. Many people say he is a nice guy at first but then once it comes time to write a story, the horns come out! I have not stuck around to witness if what they say is true. “He thinks this is The New York Times or something,” said Priola. Priola wishes to write for Vogue Magazine one day. She does what she needs to do and gets out of the office, because she does not want another episode where Quintyne yells at her. At the end of my interview with JeanClaude, I was told never to come back to this office again nor speak to him.
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Male looking for a female gym companion and cuddle buddy. He wants a lady that can handle his smooth, classic, Staten Island accent. This film major enjoys football games and long walks to the gym. He would prefer his lucky lady to make sick gains at the gym and be #wcw material. Does she even squat, bro? Being a PaDon’t mind the scuffs, dents, stains, or smell of this triots fan is a must. If she state of the art office equipment--that just shows how prefers another team, the authentic it all is. I promise you it’s brand new though. companion must be aware The giant thing to the far left, called a snoggle florp, that he will judge her for does your taxes for you. The (printer?) next to it protects her shitty interests for the your life-savings, and the microwave comes with cool rest of their lives. To apwhite bar thingamajigs. Also, ignore that this stuff looks ply to be Rob’s “dream” as if it’s going to be thrown out; it’s all for presentation girl, e-mail him personally purposes. at statenislandkidalldayExquisite Coat Rack Send Me Your bro69@aim.com Signs Service Whaddup guys I’m Emily and I’m looking for someone who is really good with their hands if you know what I mean. ;) Someone who doesn’t talk too much and will totally En secreto sexy make fun of people with In need of a coat rack? Bienvenido a mi mundo! me in a different language. We’ve got this Russian Estoy en cosplay lasciva But seriously the hands guy who knows a thing or y escribo guiones erotica thing is a huge HUGE deal two about ‘em! But, you para mí y mi sumisa. Esand if you don’t have that need to call 20 weeks in toy tranquilo en persona, down then get outta my advance, we don’t know pero transformo a puerta face. Oh and don’t worry where he is. We make the cerrada. Así que ten cuidaI’m very good with my most polished, perfectly do con las partes interesahands too so don’t worry constructed coat racks in das! I’m not a rookie, if anythe biz. Forget about those thing I’d say I’m more of professional, uh, otha level 3 if you know what er places. We’ve got the I mean ;). Also, you better goods! And bring the maknow what you’re doing terials you want the rack with those hands too, do made out of, because we not sit here and pretend don’t have any. you know what you’re missing doggie went missing. Where’s this dog? doing. I’m not looking to hang out with newbies over here. So just remember that if you bring your best and I work my magic then we’ll both be in for a very good time ;)
He won’t shut the fuck up!
11
Room for Rent
If you don’t mind asbestos, there is a room located on the second floor of the Campus Center, located through the double doors near Bananana office. Our friend Jeremy Pasker Rent is $15 an hour. Oh, has been here for 45 years and is in need of a new and you’need a ladder. home. He is cool and all, but he keeps talking. Why does he keep talking? Doesn’t his mouth get tired? Eve looking for Adam in Office in need of homeshining loincloth less presence? Well I’m your lady! I’ve been out of a job for 20 years, only take showers when it rains, and I spontaneously yell obscenities. If you ever need to make a room full of people uncomfortable, give me a call @ Hi, my name is Victoria, 9175692014 like, the queen not like, the BBC for a BBW Part 2 pasta sauce and I promise you I have no secret. I’m a 22 year old virgin looking for a faithful husband who is willing to become the new Adam and Eve with me when the world ends. I’m of the pagan religion who praises Thor and Got ya boy Cliff still Odin. Man must be willlooking for someone who ing to make animal sacwon’t leave him Heartless. rifices regularly so that if I’m trying to find The One we die in the apocalypse, for me, who can keep me we may dine with the gods feeling like a New God. If in Valhalla. I only eat meat ball ain’t life then you’re and I enjoy skinny dipping definitely Lost In The at night, drinking wine, World. I ain’t looking for praying to the gods and a Gold Digga but if you anything Hello Kitty. Man Amazing enough I’ll treat must be younger than 40, you like Christian Dior a nonsmoker, strong, with shoes, nah mean? If I find a healthy sexual appetite, the right one, you best be- who is willing to live in an lieve I can keep your Love underground bomb shelter with me. Money is no obLocked Down ;) ject to me, we’ll create our GOT ASBESTOS? own currency. I want lots The Bananana needs of children so that they more asbestos!! Things can replenish the populaaround here seem to be tion, so please be my king getting a bit cleaner and and I will be your queen. we’re just not having If you want to rebuild and that. Just find some as- own the earth with me, hey everypeople, mine doggie went missing. it swims bestos--it’s all over cam- and believe that you are away all the time and is constantly slippery. it never pus--and dump it on the worthy, please email me at likes to walk with me in the park but gets happy near floor in the office, please, Thorlover@apocalypsewater. where is my dog if you see it please find it back no questions asked. now.com to my sister
12
sports
New Team to Twerk its Way into CUNYAC Ladies and Gents, Meet the CSI Twerkers
BY VICTORIA PRIOLA In an attempt to increase school spirit, CSI alumni James “Mr. StealYaGirl” has volunteered to coach the Dolphin Twerkers for the fall 2015 season. Though the season will not begin until November 1, rumors have spread, raising an immense atmosphere of hype, enabling the Twerkers to become the most popular sports team on campus. “I’m really excited for this season,” said Reynolds. “Given my time in the trenches makin’ it rain in the club on Staten Island, I would consider myself a professional. I know a good twerker when I see one.” CSI has given the team $100,000,000 in advertising to find the best twerkers in Staten Island, having scouts swarm the St. George Ferry Terminal, hiring flash dancers and strategically placing them on street corners, hijacking the digital board at the campus’ Victory Blvd entrance, stuffing flyers in student publication newsstands, loading them onto classroom projectors, and super-gluing still images of gyrating hopefuls onto classroom desktops. Ads are also playing 24/7 on MTV, VH1, and the Grammy Award winning Worldstar Hip Hop’s website. Team tryouts are open to all genders and ages, but Coach StealYaGirl requests that twerkers be over the age of 18 for legal purposes. The first tryouts were held in the Green Dolphin Lounge, where the auditions were masked as a Dr. Seuss read along Clue event for English 111 students. The unsuspecting crowd watched as a woman dressed as the Cat in the Hat ripped off her costume and began twerking to Juvenile’s “Back That Ass Up.” Team Captain Shaniqua “Cut a Bitch” Jones has put her all into making the first season a winning one. “I tried volleyball and basketball but nothing compares to twerking,” said Jones. “Having a great ass is essential. A lot of sports ignore that
Source: youtube.com
Before games, the CSI Twerkers will be introduced with the theme song “Back That Ass Up”
area. Everyone should twerk at least once in their lives.” Jones has emulated the twerk routines used in the team’s practice from the works of Beyoncé, Lil Kim, Nicki Minaj and Iggy Azalea. Twerkers are holding off practice until the early summer, when it will be comfortable enought to wear booty shorts outside. The Office of Student Life is anxiously awaiting the debut of the Dolphin Twerkers. They claim this is CSI’s chance to be known for something other than their world-famous 100 percent acceptance rate. School staff has tried to petition for a staff twerk team, but officials were not available for comment. For the auditions, Jones and Reynolds will take the hopeful twerkers to the Rec Center gymnasium. The applicants will be critiqued using a three level good to bad system in the form of comments from the judges. The best grade an applicant can receive is “Yaas Bitch, Yaaas!” A decent performance will get a “You’re Basic AF,” and bad performers will get Miley Cyrus apparel pelted at them, hard. Unlike conventional sports,
Source: slowmotwerkteam.com
twerking does not run on a point system. Whichever team collects the most dollar bills thrown at them determines the winner. If a twerker’s booty-pop exceeds a 50 degree angle, that counts as a foul, with 50 fouls resulting in a disqualification. The uniform has yet to be decided on but Jones is envisioning it to be neon blue with an illustration of a twerking dolphin on the backside of
their booty shorts saying “It’s Time to Put in Twerk.” Her idea came from the CSI Cheerleading Team outfits which, to put bluntly, just suck. During games at the Rec Center, doormen will give out brochures for the audience and blindfolds for any children present, but that doesn’t mean that they cannot participate if the rhythm gets to them.