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relationship advice
weekly
Reverend David Keck & Dr. Christina Frederick
Dear HumanE Factors, What advice would you give someone before they enter a relationship that might help their relationship go more smoothly? Good Question! Would we all like to know the relevant facts before we enter a situation that’s important to us? To help answer this question, we queried some students on campus, and here are a couple of insights they had. “Don’t assume there is something wrong just because I’m not talking to you, or I’m quiet for a while.” This advice came from a male student, and it was directed toward women. He said that guys think about lots of stuff, and most of the time, if a relationship is going well, it isn’t about the relationship. So, silence, in this case, is golden and a good thing! “Ask about political affiliation early and be honest.” Interesting advice for any person. It is a fact that polarization between political parties is significant right now and has become a common disqualifier on online dating sites. It seems the assumption from my students is that dating across political parties is difficult right now, if not downright impossible, and it’s best to puts your political views on the table right away to avoid later heartbreak. “Take your time and get to know me as a person.” This advice was from a female student but could be applied to anyone. Slow down; there’s no rush. If you go slow and try to get to know someone, if things don’t work, you can exit at any time in a reasonably uncomplicated manner. However, if you move too quickly to a serious relationship, if things go sideways, it’s a much harder break-up for both parties. “College messy.”
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relationships
can
be
This from a very practical student. He stated that if you want a relationship with someone on this campus, realize that if it doesn’t work, you still have to see them, and maybe even have classes with them until you both graduate. This is not a large place, and avoiding someone for any length of time will prove to be impossible. Whether you decide to wait until after college to pursue a relationship or not, realize the potential downside of dating where you learn! “If it doesn’t work for one person, it just doesn’t work.” This is advice from me and my many…long years of experience. Sometimes this situation occurs as a result of a lack of effort by one person. Fundamentally, any relationship is about reciprocity (i.e., back and forth, give and take, effort on both people’s parts). If there is no reciprocity on one side, the person doing all the work should feel things aren’t working, and it is perfectly ok to say so. In other cases, maybe there is adequate give and take, but the relationship doesn’t work for you for different reasons. Speak up! You may be able to fix things, but sometimes two people aren’t right for one another, no matter how much you try, how nice they might be, or how perfect you look together! If it doesn’t work for even one person in the pair, whether that person is you or not, the relationship doesn’t work. Realize this and use it as an opportunity to end things in a friendly manner. “The biggest piece of advice I can give, that no one ever listens to and they always regret not taking it more seriously is: Slow down. Take your time. Don’t ignore red flags just because you like the person, because you won’t be able to change those things later on. Get to know the person and make sure they are actually what you are
looking for before fully committing to them. So many people rush into a relationship because it’s exciting and fun, and wind up settling for someone with faults that they cannot change or live with. Then they get trapped in an unhealthy partnership because, by the time they realize how wrong the person is for them, the emotional bond has already been formed.” “Overcommunicate, if something is bothering, you be upfront about it. Don’t overthink; just talk to them about it.” You would think that communication would be easy. As a species, we have been using language for thousands of years. But somehow, each generation, indeed, each person has to learn it all over for himself or herself. Direct, honest speech is, more often than not, appreciated if the speaker genuinely cares about the best interests of the other person. “I would say, be honest, and make your needs known! Laying out expectations early is the best way to achieve smooth sailing.” Speaking of honest speech, practice honesty. Be honest with yourself and your own needs so that you can be honest with others. It’s simple but effective. “Personally, I strongly believe that you need to become friends first. By becoming friends first, you l get to know about their habits, things they like/ don’t like, hobbies, childhood, future goals/ aspirations. This allows for a couple to be able to work better based on previous habits and such. The biggest thing for me about getting to be friends first is that everything is comfortable between the couple, and there isn’t any tension and allows for a more open communication line between the couple.”